Thursday, April 03, 2008

Breaking News: Bengals Contracted

NFL owners vacating the annual league meetings in Florida were ushered back for an emergency session where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has contracted the Cincinnati Bengals effective immediately.

Mr. Goodell has finally reached his breaking point with the Bengals who seemingly have more arrest than wins over the past couple of years.

“Can you believe these mother (expletive)?” Goodell said in a written statement. “How (expletive) hard is it to stay out of mother (expletive) trouble? I mean (expletive). What the (expletive) are you doing throwing beer bottles through a mother (expletive) window? You just have to be (expletive) me.”

The NFL is considering a replacement team to take the Bengals spot. But for right now, the club’s opponents will be awarded an extra bye week. Players such as quarterback Carson Palmer are in limbo right now. The league will decide in the next couple of weeks if it wants to grant the players special free agency status or having house them on a new startup team.

Some have argued that the Bengals vacancy gives an unfair advantage to the teams in the AFC North, who will be given a free win. But Mr. Goodell states that he has to put his foot down.

“Who gives a (expletive)?” Goodell said. “How many (expletive) games did they win last (expletive) year? I’m tired of their (expletive). Between this and that mother (expletive) Chad Johnson acting like an (expletive), the league is just better off.

“The only (expletive) alternative I had was to ban the (expletive) forward pass. And you know what? That’s not a (expletive) bad idea. That would get rid of all of the cornerbacks and receivers which isn’t a (expletive) bad idea.”


Anonymous said...

Ban the forward pass?

What, do you want the Vikings to go 19-0 this season?

Mr. Goodell said...

I'm just so damn sick of those asshole receivers and cornerbacks. But I would like to see more running in this game. The running backs always are the nicest gentlemen.

Donal said...

Especially that OJ guy

NFL Adam said...

I believe it says "Wilson" on Goodell's forehead right now.