Sunday, March 30, 2008

THN Baseball Preview: 60 Lines About 30 Teams

(In predicted order of finish)

Angels: Too many Angels in the outfield and no power hitting 3B. Best pitching staff on the disabled list anywhere.

Mariners: Pitchers Eric Bedard and Felix Hernandez are scary, as is Richie Sexon’s batting average. Quotes from Ichiro make me happy.

A’s: Getting rid of Nick Swisher and Jason Kendall make this team 90% less hate-able. Kurt Suzuki’s 2004 Cal State Fullerton team was better than the current A’s.

Rangers: Team needs new training staff. Hire Jose Canseco to be the team’s pharmacist.

Best lineup in the American League. And they are going to need it with Todd Jones as their closer.

Indians: One more year of C. C. Sabathia, so the time is now. But which will be larger, his contract or his weight after he signs that contract?

White Sox: Will A.J. Pierzynsky pout about no longer being the biggest schmuck in Chicago with the arrival of Nick Swisher? Ozzie might have his hands full.

Royals: No longer the most boring team in the league. Because here comes Jose Guillen (good luck with all of that).

Twins: Richest owner in baseball, yet smallest payroll. They say Montgomery Burns is based on Carl Pohlad who is far from excellent.

A-Rod and Jeter are in love again. Hank Steinbrenner and Joe Girardi are the new douche bags in town.

Red Sox: Two World Series titles in four years is still unbelievable. The fact that their fans are still the biggest a-holes in the world is not.

Blue Jays: Fear pitchers with initials for first names as A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan already hurt. Bring back Joe Carter.

Rays: Third baseman Evan Longoria will be a superstar some day. But for now he, and the Rays hopes, are in the minors.

Orioles: The Orioles' plan Greek to me, but Nick Markakis kicks ass. Where have you gone, Al Bumbry?

Should follow the lead of Tampa Bay and be known only as “Backs.” Please make Randy Johnson go away.

Rockies: The team continues to grow in popularity, ranking behind Broncos, Avs and South Park. And almost nobody remembers them getting swept by Boston in the World Series.

Padres: Least surprising development, Jim Edmonds and Mark Prior start the season on the disabled list. And to make matters worse, beer prices are rising at Petco Park.

Dodgers: Will the Dodgers players take enough steroids for Joe Torre to replicate his New York success? Normar is probably willing.

Giants: The other Barry (Zito) is closing in on another record - becoming the biggest bust of a free-agent pitcher, ever. Without Barry Bonds to boo, this team is the Royals.

Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome might be more powerful than a Billy goat. And the Red Sox proved, no matter how (expletive) your fans are, curses can fall.

Reds: Manager Dusty Baker has the kids to make it to the postseason. Just make sure that his actual son stays away from home plate during the game.

Brewers: First baseman Prince Fielder is pushing his father’s record of being the fattest man to hit 50 home runs in a season. Eric Gagne’s game is over, however.

Astros: No more sting for the Killer Bs. Michael Bourn would be supreme, well, if he could actually hit the ball.

Cardinals: This baseball team is asleep, like a drunk slumped behind the wheel in an intersection. They will miss Scott Spiezio’s fight.

Pirates: Does anybody in Pittsburgh even care anymore? Even mentioning Sid Bream no longer hurts the Pirates fans (what’s left of them).

Mets: Pitcher Johan Santana is great, but will he be distracted by Willie Randolph’s choking? Carlos Beltran needs to be more focused on winning than smack talk.

Braves: First baseman Mark Teixeira anchors a solid lineup that has many in Atlanta thinking playoffs. Not the fans though, because they won’t condescend to sellout a playoff game.

Phillies: No lead is safe with Brad Lidge around, but the Blonde is a closer. CF Shane Victorino can field his position without breaking his face.

Senators: Yes, we know your name is Nationals but we can always dream. Austin Kearns will double his homeruns in the new ballpark.

Marlins: Get your licks in now, because the Marlins will win the World Series in 2012. And then the team will be dismantled in 2013.


Daniel G. said...

Gotta stick up for my Twins here - they've lost some big names and they're pretty young, but I think we could be as good as 2 and as bad as 4 in the AL Central.

NFL Adam said...

This wasn't so much a knock on the Twins, as much as how tough the AL Central will be.

Cali Tejano said...

The San Diego Padres of East Village in the Gaslamp Quarter finishing third? Adam, you're being too generous. This team has NL West basement stamped all over it.

Anonymous said...

I smell bias

Diane said...

Didn't Swisher move up somewhat from a-hole status for growing his hair long to be used to make wigs for cancer patients?

Meanwhile, Pierzynski has been busy defending his pro-wrestling belt.

The LA Times picked the Mariners to win the West - but I'm going with THN's picks

Steve Bisheff said...

I have my baseball picks. But you don't get those until October at the earliest.

NFL Adam said...

D, you are right. Swisher does donate his locks for wigs to be used for cancer victims.

And after giving it a lot of thought, that shouldn't preclude us for hating him as a player and not as a person.