Friday, September 28, 2007

The Weak Ender

So the Brazil women’s soccer team defeats the United States and Milene Domingues (pictured) doesn’t have the decency to rip off her top. And let that be a lesson to you as, outside of Milene, that Brazilian soccer team looks nothing like that infamous Brazilian soccer team that once graced the pages of the Latin America version of Playboy. Kind of a jip.

The loss was a huge upset for the favored Americans. But U.S. women’s soccer coach Norv Turner says that he is not worried at all about his team not reaching expectations and that the whole thing is a process.

ROY WILLIAMS EATS PUBIC HAIR
Actually, that would be the least of his problems. As first noted on Sports by Brooks, Lions receiver Roy Williams admits that he’s Scottish, err, really cheap because he does not tip the pizza delivery boy. In fact, Roy brazenly states that when he orders a pizza, the kids at the pizza shop know they are delivering it for free. And if they know they are delivering it for free, they are doing unspeakable things to that pizza. Believe the stories, it's all true.

As refreshing as it is to see a player not blow his millions on multiple cars, jewelry for his teeth and other extravagances (especially with the way football pioneers are fighting for their pensions), can Roy just kick down a buck for the pizza delivery guy? Yes Roy, not everybody received a $100,000 education because they can catch a football, some kids do need to actually work their way through school.

WHO’S THE MAN IN ARIZONA?
The Kurt Warner Machine said all of the right things this week deferring to Matt Leinart, as he let the world know that this was his team. And Leinart, in turn, put a towel over his head and walked out of the locker room. Leinart did eventually speak to the media on Wednesday and indicated that he was not worried about losing his job to Warner. But his actions on Monday afternoon showed other wise. There would be no shame losing your job to a future Hall of Fame quarterback.

But credit to Ken Whisenhunt for at least thinking outside of the box. He is doing something innovative, or at least hasn’t been tried in a number of weeks. And the NFL, being a copycat league, is starting to take notice. Bears coach said anytime they need a game-crippling interception, they are going to put Rex Grossman into the game.

  • How long has it been since the most anticipated game of the weekend was actually on Monday night? Seems like Monday Night Football is an afterthought as all of the football fans are going to be ignoring it anyway – but this week actually has a certified good match up. Well, until Rudi Johnson was ruled out by the Bengals. In fact, this will be the first time a Bengals starter actually misses a game for something other than being in jail. It’s true.
  • The game is so big in Cincinnati, the police department has pledged to not shoot a minority from now until Tuesday morning. Wow, that would be a bigger upset than the Bengals winning.
  • Joey Porter predicted that the Dolphins would be the Raiders this week. He also said take the Globetrotters over the Generals, and that France would surrender in the next world war. Wow, those jokes are more outdated than a Krusty the Klown reference.
  • The greatness of the Raiders; for years the Raiders have bragged about being the most successful sports franchise. Now their fans are wallowing in the fact that they are tied with the Chargers. Congratulations. But excuse us if we aren’t going to go crazy over a team who finally snapped an 11-game losing streak by taking a page out of the Denver Broncos playbook. The NFL world will snap back on its axis this week as the Dolphins beat up the Raiders. There is no way the Raiders are going on a two-game winning streak. Although, if you had to pick one coach who Lane Kiffin could outsmart, Cam Cameron might be one. Norv Turner, of course, would be the other.
  • Speaking of the Chargers, Cris Collinsworth did a good job of breaking down the team in his weekly NFL.com column. People in the league circles are really being kind of Norv Turner, but why? He is that bad. Mike Sherman would have been a better choice.
  • Here’s an interesting note, LT rushed for more than 100-yards in the season opener against Oakland last season. He didn’t top 100 rushing yards until Week 8 against the St. Louis football team. So maybe it’s not time to panic because Norv Turner could be hit by a bus.
  • With all of that said, you are nuts if you take the Chargers and give 14 points. The Bolts will squeak out a victory here.
  • The St. Louis Football Team is going to open the season 0-4. Sometimes you just have to enjoy the small victories.
  • Everybody knows about the Falcons trading Matt Schaub, but don’t forget that Bobby Petrino also passed on defensive phenomena Amobi Okoye who played for the Falcons coach at Louisville last year. Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t trust Petrino with the personnel decisions. The guys the Falcons did draft, Jamal Anderson, has done about as much as Mike Vick's pit bulls this year.
  • The Giants are dead if Plaxico Burress is hurt. People talk about Carolina's Steve Smith being the most indispensable receiver in the NFL, but Burress has made the Messiah’s, albeit lousy, career.


SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALRIGHT
Former St. Louis Football Team coach and Kentucky head man, Rich Brooks, told Jim Rome that there were five teams as good as USC in the SEC. What’s with this conference’s inferiority complex with USC?

Oh that’s right. The Trojans have fisted a couple of SEC teams on the road in recent years.

If Brooks want to continue on the moronic notion that the SEC is better, top-to-bottom, than the Pac-10. Fine. Believe what you want. But when you want to make the case that nearly half of your conference is better than USC is just intellectually dishonest and actually makes you look worse. Have you ever noticed that Pete Carroll just shrugs this stuff off and goes about his business, while all of the SEC coaches continually talk about it? Wonder why that is.

  • One of the most interesting highlights of this weekend will be Alabama heading to Florida State. Hard to imagine that Bobby Bowden has never played against the Crimson Tide, right? Seems like a game like that would be as natural as a can of Skoal in the South. Florida State, for whatever reason, is favored, but Alabama will win this game.
  • Ian Johnson’s wife (they did get hitched) is no longer a cheerleader for Boise State, but sure was able to grab a lot of camera time on Thursday night. Well, not as much as the Boise State player who rushed to the outhouse during the game. Obviously indoor plumbing has not made it to Boise's locker room.
  • UNLV crushes Utah and they are a dog to the Wolf Pack? Not a chance here, take the Rebels.
  • Cal would be pretty impressive if it was able to go into Eugene and beat the Ducks. But just can’t see that happening.
  • The biggest letdown of the weekend will be when South Florida plays host to West Virginia. The Bulls defeated the Mountaineers last year on the road, but that will only go to motivate West Virginia. This has the makings of a serious rout, despite the fact that the Tampa area is going nuts over this game.


AND FINALLY
What is there not enough topics on the table for you? If you still need something more, scroll down to The Hatriot's open letter to Jamie McCourt. Still waiting for Bim Bim's picks here.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

An Open Letter To Jamie McCourt


Jamie,
Let me be frank with you. Uh… let me put that another way. Here you are, the highest level female executive in the Major Leagues, and here am I, a guy with enough common sense to pour the piss out of his boots if the instructions are written on the heel. Apparently, you are in need of my services.

I don’t have to tell you. Things aren’t looking really good for the Dodger organization right now. I mean sure, you had hoped that the whole Rodents of Unusual Size issue with the vendors in Anacrime might take some of the attention away from your franchise. Let’s be honest. After the Angels sent the rest of the division out for coffee again last weekend, no one’s going to remember rat pellets in the nachos. Everyone will remember that your squad couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a shovel when it mattered. Anyway, I’ve worked up a couple of ideas to help Big Blue reclaim their place as SoCal’s favorite baseball team.

First, remind people of your great tradition. Picture this: three generations of Dodger catchers taking the field on opening day for the symbolic first pitch: Scioscia, Piazza and Lo Duca! Think about it, a quarter century of Dodger tradition- one heading for Cooperstown, one considered by many the best field general in the game and one just collected his 1000th hit, all wearing their Dodger uni… O.K. Let’s cross that one off the list. I may have been drinking when I came up with it, since it’s scribbled on a cocktail napkin from the Harp in the bartender’s lipstick.

Moving on, I couldn’t help but notice how your cross-town rivals have kids’ entertainment in the outfield pavilions. That got me thinking – your fan base isn’t going to go for balloon animals and face-painting. What if we offered them an experience that spoke to both their lifestyle and their love for the Dodgers? That’s right! How about we offer to give the first 200 fans a tattoo tear for each time the Dodgers traded away a future all-star for a handful of magic beans? What’s that? The human body can only handle about three hours under the tattoo gun in one sitting? Damn.

Let’s what else we’ve got in the notes… Lobby Selig for four strike rule… Have Petraeus testify that if the season is extended to 600 games you’ll win the wild card… Ah, here we go.

Now, I know that you and the Mister feel strongly about keeping names off the backs of jerseys to protect the innocent. And I know that what I’m suggesting revisits a moment in Dodger history some would like to forget, but bear with me. Are you ready to give millions of SoCals what they’ve been aching for since a certain NFL franchise let go of their star receiver? Are you ready to take the Next Great Dodger Marketing Idea straight to the bank?! Jamie McCourt, I give you THE KEVIN BROWN THROW BACK JERSEY! I don’t want to over promise on this, but if you’re willing to go with gothic lettering, I think I can guarantee a quarter of a million units shipped by Christmas. I take 15% of the licensing and Grady comes over to wash my car on Sundays. Do we have a deal?

O.J.'s Eleven



Maybe it was lowered expectations, but this actually was kind of good.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Don't hate the DP

Fletch is back with a short take full of hate - he usually writes much shorter in the comments section here and much longer over at Blog Cabins.

I'll never understand why people hate on Dan Patrick. He's light years ahead of every other sports talk radio show host out there. While the local guys can't stop talking about the local teams for more than two minutes (because Arizona Cardinal talk is so thrilling), and Rome (while often entertaining) can't stop pausing to talk every now and then, Patrick ran an intelligent, funny, A-list show over at ESPN. Now he's gone, and in the meantime, here are just a couple of the things radio hosts and broadcasters do that piss me off:

* The letter "a." Yep, that single letter manages to piss me off on more occasions that I care to recall. See, for some reason, somewhere along the way during the past twenty years (I can't pin down the date), broadcasters and talking heads got it into their skulls that it wasn't just enough to "lose [Player X] to an injury." No, now all anyone ever says is how terrible it is to "lose A [Player X] to injury." Not making sense? "Well let me tell you, when you have a Brett Favre on your team, you know what you're gonna get week in and week out."

WTF?

There's more than one Favre in the NFL? I was not aware of this. Unless we're talking about Steve Smith or Anthony Thomas or the like, there's no reason to place that goddamn "a" there. Or at the least add "player like," as is "when you lose a player like Steven Jackson." Thanks.

* Now, I like to perform a radio show interview with you - please play along.

"When you made that dash to the hoop in the third quarter, you seemed to really freeze out the defenders. Talk about what was going on in your head as that play unfolded."

"Tell us about your foundation for autistic monkeys and all the work you've been doing there."

"The hours leading up to a playoff game like the one you just played in can be hectic and nerve-wracking. Describe for us what goes on in the locker room and what Coach Z was telling you guys."

Call me anal or a stickler, but where the f*ck are the questions? Yeah, I know throwing a simple "Can you" onto some of those may officially make them questions, but that seems a minor technicality. This is what passes for journalism these days? Okay, using "journalism" may be a bit generous there -- this is what passes for entertainment?

There's a reason that segments from Dan Patrick's show were cut and pasted into the back page of ESPN the Mag every other week -- they were interesting and often funny. Dan knew how to conduct an interview, and how to ask probing questions, whether in a serious or playful mood. Athletes have to be considered the worst interview subjects on the planet as it is, what with not wanting to offend anyone or provide bulletin board material, so why make them any duller by asking lame, cliched "questions?"

Patrick's new show starts Monday -- I'll be listening.

Enjoy Brian Griese

A quarterback switch makes sense if, say, you have a quality backup on your bench – like the Kurt Warner Machine. A quarterback switch doesn’t make sense when your backup is Brian Griese – failure at every stop. Even the quarterback happy Buccaneers didn’t want to keep Griese around.

And don’t take this as an endorsement for Rex Grossman. He has been so horrible, that if you went to Sportsline and looked up quarterbacks based on passer rating, Grossman isn’t even on the first page. The only thing is, Grossman is in only his second full season as a starter and in his first full season, he led his team to the Super Bowl. To replace him with a journeyman who, in truth, isn’t that much better than Grossman, well you really have to question that move. If you are going to trade Thomas Jones to make room for Cedric Benson (who has that worked out?), you might as well stick with Grossman.

But you know who is really pissed about this move? Jim Sorgi’s Mom. In fact, you probably don’t want to talk to her right now. Really.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Lil' Hater: Is this thing on?

Ask yourself this question today, which has a better chance of being refurbished -- the Saints playoff chances or the Ninth Ward? I don't want to say that the situation is dire in New Orleans, but a couple of Saints fans spray painted, "Please Help Us" on the SuperDome roof.

What?

Seriously though, last night's game was, hands-down, the biggest tragedy that city has seen in recent years, bar none. I'm stumped to think of anything worse.

It sure was sad to see the fans leave the Superdome so early in the fourth quarter. But I guess the parking lot there is a little hard to get out of with all those canoes and life rafts floating around.

I guess more fans would've worn bags over their heads, but they still needed them to help move all their possessions to Houston....

Hey, why does my office smell like sulfur?

Congratulations to Archie Manning to once again use this tragedy for more camera fornicating. Those commercials with Matt Leinart aren't too far from the truth. Too bad Daddy Manning has ruined the career of a third child, because Cooper and Eli just weren't enough. Archie, I hate to tell you this, but you were an average quarterback on a crappy team. How many winning seasons does this team have during its history? And you did not have one of them. Jerk.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Forget playoff beards

The whole notion of playoff beards have been played out. That is why all Angels fans are implored to start a new tradition of the playoff mustache. Of course, Dodgers fans will claim that we stole this idea from them because the majority of female Dodgers fans are already sporting mustaches, but we are talking about a playoff team here.

The mustache is an homage to some of the great mustached Angels of all-time, namely Bobby Grich.

So Angels fans, get your mustaches ready for next week. (And don’t take the easy way out by growing a stache in combination with a goatee because that’s just not going to work.)

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Post Mortem

The big story on this NFL Sunday was the performance of a grizzly, graying veteran who put his team on his back in a gusty comeback.

Of course, that is Kurt Warner.

The Kurt Warner Machine, facing unbelievable odds, nearly rallied the Birds back against Raven only to fall just short on Matt Stover’s field goal as time expired. There are no moral victories in the NFL. And it’s certain that Matt Leinart will be the Birds starting, but the old man can still wing it.

FAVRE BREAKS RECORD
And it wasn’t the interception record, yet. Brett Favre tossed three touchdown passes against the hapless Chargers secondary as the Packers inched San Diego closer to oblivion. Talk about an old man who can wing it, Favre should sign up for another couple of years. That was Favre’s second consecutive game where Favre has thrown three touchdown passes.

The most impressive thing about Favre, is that Troy Aikman and Steve Young seem barely lucid during an NFL broadcast -- especially when Troy is defending Norv Turner on PTI -- but Favre is not only still playing, but playing at a very high level. That's somewhat unbelievable. Favre was a rookie when Deion Sanders was rocking MC Hammer in the Falcons locker room.

Plus he is perfect for a franchise like Green Bay, a team that only needs to win a championship, oh, once every 30 years to be considered successful. An ideal fit for a guy who hasn't won a meaningful playoff game since 1997.

LT NOT HAPPY
Speaking of teams that haven't won a championship in 40 years ... with the way LT and Philip Rivers were arguing on the sideline, you would have thought that the young quarterback was mocking Shawne Merriman’s sack celebration. The frustration for Tomlinson has to be at an all-time high, probably even worse than 2005 when the Chargers just kind of felt their way through a 9-7 season, despite being a trendy pick for the Super Bowl. At least Rivers was able to get something going, and actually looked pretty sharp. But how can you ignore LT like that?

As Lil’ Hater pointed out, Norv Turner finds a way to ignore his best players. And it should be noted that LT’s worst statistical season was under Turner’s watch as offensive coordinator. LT should probably just make like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack and fake an injury in an effort to save one year on his career that he is going to flush down the toilet this season.

  • Happy birthday to Marty Schottenheimer. Probably the luckiest guy in the world. Missing coordinators, Cam Cameron and Wade Phillips, the Chargers probably wouldn’t have been as good this season. But, because he was unceremoniously fired after going 14-2, now looks like a martyr.
  • If the NFL really wanted to feature NFL Hispanic Heritage month, why not have a prime time game featuring the Cowboys and Raiders?
  • Congratulations St. Louis Football Team, you are the first team to be eliminated from playoff contention. The banged up offensive line suffered another injury against Tampa Bay. And before any of you morons believe that this team would be better off under Mike Martz, keep dreaming. Martz gets quarterbacks killed behind healthy lines, what would he do with a line like St. Louis has now?
  • The most pressing question, can St. Louis go a perfect 0-16? We haven't been that good.
  • The undefeated Lions era was too short. But going back to Martz, have you noticed that Martz is at his best when he has a Christian quarterback like Warner or Jon Kitna? But Martz, with his blockign schemes, seems determined to getting Warner and Kitna killed, proving that Martz is in fact, the devil.
  • Credit Mike Shanahan for the Raiders first win of the season.
  • Keep the Eagles in the throwbacks.
  • Journeyman premieres Monday on NBC. Sorry, liked the show better when it was called Quantum Leap.
  • The Chargers victory over the Bears looks even less impressive after the way the Cowboys rolled through Soldier Field. The Chargers play host to Kansas City and Oakland, sandwiched around a trip to Denver. Best case scenario, the Chargers go 2-1. But don’t count on it. This team will quit soon.
  • Wade Phillips looks like a guy who deserved a third chance, not Norv. Don't give the Cowboys the NFC championship just yet, but they look pretty good so far. But if the season plays out like it's current direction, Favre and the Cowboys could hook up again, just like old times. Only this time, there is no Mike Holmgren to wilt in front of the Cowboys. Not to say that Holmgren was outclassed by the Cowboys, but his team once started a fight with the Cowboys kicker on Monday Night Football.
  • Amazing interview with Eli Messiah following the Giants victory over the Racial Slurs. They asked Eli how he was able to engineer that comeback. Really, engineer? Because it looked to everybody else that the Messiah through slip screen to Plaxico Burress who took it 32-yards for a touchdown. The Messiah is a horrible quarterback, but imagine how bad he would be without Burress.

    Oh yeah, he’d be Rex Grossman. And does anybody else notice the similarity between Grossman’s and Donovan McNabb’s careers? A couple of oft-injured quarterbacks who rode their defense to a Super Bowl. Sound like a couple of peas in a pod.
  • Mike Shanahan is going to be ripped for going for it on fourth-and-five from his own 9-yard line, but he made the right choice. There was no way the Broncos were going to stop the Jaguars running attack. And at least Shanny took a chance unlike 90 percent of NFL coaches out there.
  • So much for the Patriots having a hangover from pounding the Chargers. You figured New England would win, but did you think it would be that easy? The Bills might be the worst team in the NFL. And the AFC East, sans New England, is just awful. Although, thanks to the Jets, there is a second team from the division who has a victory.
  • UNLV clobbered Utah, who was coming off a stunning upset of UCLA. That could only mean one thing. UNLV is better than UCLA. And not just on the latest season of EA Sports College Football 08.
  • Arizona State finally made its way to the Top 25. But how and the hell is Kentucky all the way up to No. 14? That so-called huge victory over Louisville is all for not, seeing that Syracuse beat them—at home. Honestly, is there anybody who believes that Kentucky would even be able to stay close to Arizona State if they played head-to-head? Come on, don’t be so naïve.


AND FINALLY
The NFL has enacted a ban on cheerleaders from performing stretches and other, um, activities in front of an opposing team's bench for fear that they will distract the team. What other plot points do they want to ban from the movie, The Replacements? The next thing you know, the NFL will ban kickers from Wales chain-smoking on the sidelines.

Does the NFL really need a rule for this? Maybe the league should spend more time stopping dudes from taking HGH rather than banning cheerleaders from doing what the do. Seriously, if cheerleaders are banned from distracting the opposing team's players, what exactly are they doing out there? Good lord, sometimes we really do miss the XFL.

And one question, how does this ban affect the Panthers cheerleader's bathroom habits?

Angels Win

There were times during the season when it looked like the Angels were going to be in serious trouble without that extra bat and while they won the AL West, there are still some serious concerns and doubts going into the playoffs. The Indians could end up with the best record in the American League although, like the Angels, they no longer really have anything to play for. If that were to happen, the Indians would likely host the wild card Yankees, meaning playoff nemesis, Boston, would be the Angels opening round opponent. Nuts. That is the one team that is still scary, though not so much with Eric Gagne on the mound. Though, you could probably say the same thing about Scot Shields.

The most concerning part of the Angels team exposed itself on Saturday. Trailing by a run, the Angels just couldn't muster enough hits together to get that run because the team still lacks that one big bat to deliver a key hit in a key situation. Maybe it's wrong to point at one particular game, but it's a scary though, with the Angels having just enough pitching to lose some close 3-2 games in the playoffs.

But hey, they have proven THN wrong, time and time again, so hopefully that will continue.

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Weak Ender

Angie Harmon is back this fall on ABC as a cop who plays by her own rules, blah, blah, blah. The two important things here are that Angie will be running around this fall carrying a gun. Hot. And while she continues to get work, that means her sham marriage to Jason Burnhorn will mercifully be coming to an end soon.

Of course, you all hate her politics and that fact that she doesn’t have a fake rack like Pamela Anderson as you can see in this contest here and for those of you, and you know what? Don’t care.

NFL’S MARQUEE MATCH UP
Uh, is there one?

What’s the one NFL game that you are clamoring to see? The Chargers and Packers game seems interesting because you have to wonder how long the Chargers will struggle before somebody, namely A.J. Smith, realizes that Norv Turner is a dope. That’s not happening. At least not until both are unemployed at the end of the year.

Besides, even if Norv was a credible coach, there is nothing he could do to improve the Chargers secondary, which is very vulnerable. George Blanda should rest easy because his interception record isn’t in jeopardy this weekend. Dan Marino’s touchdown record is, as Brett Favre will likely light up San Diego.

  • No matter how much they preach about parity, you can’t believe it until a team such as Arizona marches into Baltimore and punks a team like the Ravens. And as cool as that would be, you just can’t see it. The Cardinals offensive line, with all of that inexperience, might be able to pull off wins against teams like Seattle, but don’t expect them to beat the Ravens. Even if Kyle Boller ends up playing quarterback again. Speaking of that, when was the last time Steve McNair actually practiced? Allen Iverson must envy him.
  • That’s what it’s come down to, breaking down Arizona Cardinals games. Fun.
  • We should see what the Cowboys and Bears are made of this weekend. The Bears looked awful against an average Chargers team and kind of worse against the below average Chiefs. The Bears need to do something against the Cowboys. If Roger Goodell really cared about the league, he'd fine the Bears $500k for starting Rex Grossman.
  • St. Louis has played two home games to open the season, and lost. St. Louis stands at 0-2, and they have a really good chance to go 0-3 when they travel to Tampa Bay to take on THN Patron Saint, Jon Gruden, and the Buccaneers. If Gruden wants to stay on our good side, he’d better win this game. In fact, that will probably be is pregame speech. “Men, if we don’t want to get on THN’s (expletive) list like Jim Sorgi’s mom, then we had better win here.” But maybe Gruden is misinformed because THN loves Jim Sorgi’s mom.
  • Easiest game to pick this week? Giants over Racial Slurs. Teams coming off Monday night wins just don’t win the following week. And you have to add in the “desperate team” mantra, and the Giants are a perfect candidate to win. Book it.
  • How will you remember the Joey Harrington era in Atlanta?
  • Don’t buy the hype on Houston this week. The Colts will run them out of the building at home. Jim Sorgi’s mom feels like this may be the week that her boy gets into the game. But Peyton won't do that. He'll wait to blow out the Texans in the fourth like a jerk.


COLLEGE FOOTBALL
How good are the Sun Devils? You can rap Dennis Erickson for a lot of things, but the dude is a good college football coach. And he has the Devils looking pretty good, even if it is against teams such as San Diego State and Colorado. So this weeks’ game against Oregon State should be an interesting test.

But come on, this isn’t a real test is it? Mike Riley is the Norv Turner of college football. He’s the nicest guy in the world, but he wilts on the sideline against an imposing presence. The thing is, Arizona State looks as though they could be the biggest challenge to USC this season, not Cal.

  • Oklahoma is at Tulsa this week. Way to butch up that schedule, Sooners. People disrespect Boise State because it plays in a perceived weak conference, but what about the Sooners? Miami turned out Texas A&M in the OB on Thursday night (more on that in a second) and let’s not forget about Nebraska, Colorado, and even Texas who had trouble with one of the directional Florida schools. The Big XII is a joke, and let’s not forget that Boise State beat Oklahoma last year in the Fiesta Bowl.
  • If so many teams hadn’t take a piece of Auburn, New Mexico State would be a great upset pick here. But this game sends up a very big red flag because you could make a case either way.


AND FINALLY
Miami is leaving the Orange Bowl to take up new digs at Dolphin Stadium. This is a stupid move. Just plain stupid. The ESPN dopes were talking about how difficult it is for Miami to recruit players to the Orange Bowl that was dedicated on December 10, 1937.

Yeah, how can a college program expect to compete against the rest of the country playing in a building that is well over 60 years old?

Oh wait, how old is the Coliseum? USC seems to have no problem convincing kids to play in the Coliseum and you can’t say that the amenities are that much nicer. Just be truthful, Miami, you want to make some money off luxury boxes and stuff at the expense of ridding yourself of any mystique that Miami once had. Screw you, Miami. You are robbing college football of one of the best venues in the sport, all because the hallways are a little cramped and the media doesn't have all of the creature comforts as these new shopping malls/stadiums. The cool thing about college football is that it isn't the NFL, so don't play in their lame stadiums.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

One more

One more run and the Angels would have secured some more free wings for its fans. Oh yeah, the team is actually one win (or Seattle loss) away from clinching the A.L. West title. And good thing too, against those chippy female dogs from Seattle. The M's have sure shown a lot of fight now that the season is over, throwing at the head of Vlady. We're all for a good beanball war, but going after the head is just lame. Face it Seattle, you are nothing more than Vancouver's ass, and there is a reason why your teams blow in all sports. Take your beating like men today (if that is even possible) and if you wouldn't mind, give up 10 runs so we can saunter over to Hooter's for some free wings to celebrate another A.L. West title.

At least with the Angels and the Indians getting so close to clinching their respective divisions, ESPN can finally pay attention to that gutty Yankees team who is on the verge of taking the lead in the A.L. East. Thankfully this under-appreciated rivalry can get some much needed exposure. The race is really thrilling, too, considering both teams will make the playoffs.

The rub is both teams look to be playing for third and fourth place in the American League, and neither team seems to have enough arms to keep pace with the Angels or Indians.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Raiders

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Oakland Raiders

Do we really need to go here? There are so many different ways why the Raiders will not go to the Super Bowl, probably not in Al Davis’ (what will hopefully be much longer) lifetime. There are those that point out that Super Bowl 37 isn’t that far away and maybe Davis can recapture that magic. But that’s more myth, which is something in heavy supply in Oakland.

There are those who believe that Al Davis always has the ability to mine great young coaching talent, but was that ever actually the case? He hit a home run with Mike Shanahan, who he sacked before he could ever become successful for the Raiders. And we are all familiar with Jon Gruden. But take a look at the names that span those two coaches: Art Shell, Mike White and Joe Bugel. And the names after Gruden include Bill Callahan, Norv Turner and Shell, again.

Yep, he sure does mine that young coaching talent.

Besides, the word is out on Davis and all of that fabled young coaching talent has passed on coaching the Raiders starting with Sean Payton and pretty much the entire coaching profession. You could say that part of the problem is that the Raiders don’t pay. Well, the Steelers don’t pay and they ended up with Mike Tomlin. Keep an eye on Tomlin working the sidelines and compare him to Lane Kiffin. Both coaches are the same age, yet Tomlin looks like he’s fully in charge on the sidelines, while Kiffin looked like a befuddled high school kid whose girl friend got into the car of another guy after Shanahan punked him.

And that’s just the coaching staff. The Raiders current quarterback situation is so bad that Josh McCown playing with a broken foot and a broken hand is the best alternative possible. This is a team that would clamor for somebody with the skill set of Jake Plummer. So they looked to the draft for help, and then didn’t sign their top pick, JaMarcus Russell, until a week ago rendering him useless for the season.

There is more, but why pile on? The Raiders aren’t close to the Super Bowl and a two-win buzz kill might have been more appropriate.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Whoa, flash backs

Somebody should have warned Tank Johnson that Texas no longer allows gun racks and open containers in cars anymore. And just because George Bush has moved on to be America's problem, they still execute black men whom they find with guns. So maybe this wasn't the best move.

The deal does make sense from the Cowboys perspective, a team best known for living in the past. Having a guy like Johnson is now the closest the team has been to the old Cowboys who had run amok in Irving back in the early 1990s. Jerry Jones has reached into the nostalgia bank, much like you do when you drunkenly purchased C&C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" on iTunes. Jones is probably thinking this move is a lot more practical than having Tommy Agee show back up at Valley Ranch wearing a pair of Zubaz and sporting a high-top fade. Combine this with O.J. Simpson being in trouble again and who else can't control the urge to grab a Crystal Pepsi right now?

Sure they tried to recapture that magic with Terrell Owens, but the old Cowboys would be more likely to have a hooker overdose on drugs, rather than one of its star receivers. Seriously, Michael Irvin always knew what kind of drugs he was putting in his body.

Props to you Jerry, now everybody dance now.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Cowboys

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Dallas Cowboys

Good news Cowboys fans, the last time that O.J. Simpson was acquitted of a major crime (1995), your team went on to win the Super Bowl. The bad news, of course, is that O.J. is not going to get away with it this time. The really bad news is that Jerry Jones is still your owner.

The worse news is that T.O. is still on your team. Sure, things are going great for T.O. and Wade Phillips right now as they are seen holding hands on the sidelines. But that festering, petulant T.O. is still simmering below the surface?

As a fellow malcontent, it will always be a matter of time before something or someone pisses you off enough to shoot off your mouth, no matter how hard you try. Being a jerk comes second nature, much like breathing, and try as you might to stop it, you can’t. Tony Romo is taking good care of T.O. right now. But one bad game or a few drop balls and the real T.O. will come out.

Just like O.J. Simpson this past weekend.

Monday, September 17, 2007

I’m O.J. Simpson

Leave it to O.J. Simpson to go to the Giuseppe Franco defense. "Look, I'm O.J. Simpson, don't you think that they would recognize me if I was going to rob somebody. That is why I would never rob anybody, because they would be all, hey look, I was robbed by O.J. Simpson."

What O.J. should have probably said is, "Look, I couldn’t have committed this crime. I mean, the guy is still alive, isn’t he?"

But big balls on O.J., too. Who else would think to say, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas defense.”

Not that could be any more ridiculous than his previous defense.

What that all really means is that there is a new Last and Ten, thanks in large part to Lil' Hater and our pal over at West Side Slant.

Lil' Hater: Pats cheat again

Bill Belichick used government-designed, top-secret technology to capture the brainwaves of Norv Turner during the game last night. So he could literally hear what Norv was thinking before calling each play.



It's true! Here’s a clip from during the 2nd Quarter:



That was the biggest coaching mismatch in the NFL since Gruden fleeced the Raiders in the Superbowl.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Post Mortem

Are you happy now A.J. Smith? Is your power-hungry ass happy now?

As bad as it was to end a 14-2 season with a playoff loss, at least the Chargers got to the playoffs. The football world got a pretty good indication of just how poorly mismatched Norv Turner is against a credible NFL coach. The only match up that Turner should win this season will be against Lane Kiffin.

Maybe.

There is no guarantee of that, and you have to ask yourself if a 7-9 prediction was a little too generous for this team. Face it, the Chargers were lucky to win last week against the Bears. The Chargers will lose next week at Green Bay, probably beat Kansas City at home, and then lose at Denver . That’s a 2-3 start and there’s still a stretch where they play the Colts, Jaguars and Ravens.

The Chargers will not make the playoffs. Book it.

And why don’t announcers just come right out and state the obvious some times? That being that Norv Turner sucks. He just completely sucks. Where is Tiki Barber's candor now? Just once, it would be great to see an announcer, when asked about the Chargers, just say the obvious truth. "Hey Bob, you see the reason why the Chargers blow is because Norv Turner, yeah, he's not good at his job. Not at all. If it wasn't for Troy Aikman, he'd be coaching high school kids in Flagstaff, Arizona. In fact, NFL Network has about six guys working for its station that could probably do a better job."

The Chargers are not going to make the playoffs this season, and how many years are they going to be willing to invest in this indulgence to Smith’s ego?

  • No coach is better than using any perceived slight to motivate his team, so does this Spy Gate actually work in Bill Belichick’s favor?
  • The Chargers weekend kind of sucked, but it still has to be considered a great weekend when the St. Louis football team and the Raiders lose. Especially when it is in such horrific fashion. St. Louis is now 0-2 and that offensive line will end Marc Bulger’s career. Lane Kiffin got a serious lesson in NFL gamesmanship from one of the best in the NFL—something that his sniveling post-game press conference proved. Although, it’s one thing for a 31-year-old rookie head coach to get turned out like Schillinger did to Beecher during his first few days in Oz. But it’s quite another when it’s a veteran head coach working on his third stint with arguably the most talented team in the NFL.
  • The Saints are definite frauds. There was some doubt, as Drew Brees was undefeated against Tampa Bay, but there is no doubt now. Sorry to all of you guys who drafted Saints players, especially Brees, in your fantasy draft.
  • Brett Favre moving closer to reaching the all-time interception milestone. Can you taste the excitement. Don’t worry about Favre breaking the record next week because the Chargers receivers can’t catch.
  • You are a certified moron if you picked up the Bengals defense in your fantasy league this week, thinking that they were going to stop the vaunted Browns offense. And who else noticed the idiot throwing a beer on Chad Johnson as he jumped into the Dawg Pound? Dude, that’s like $10. Be smart like an Angels fan and just toss your water.
  • How pissed do you think Jim Sorgi's mom gets during those close games? She's probably all tossed yelling, "Peyton you (female dog), you are only keeping this game close because you don't want me boy on the field. You know that he would show up your Kenny Chesney-loving ass."


SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT
Remember this? Florida and Tennessee is a much anticipated match-up. Is there any way the Gators don’t run these guys off the field? Florida should win this game by 20, right?

Remember that because that’s the only thing that THN got right in The Weak Ender. The Chargers? Losers. Auburn sucks. Washington , well that was disappointing. If you had to pick on team that was going to eat a merde sandwich this week, you could have thought Oregon could have been ripe for an upset against Fresno State. Instead, it was the Huskies. Hard to figure what to make of Washington because it looked pretty good in the first half against Ohio State, just missing on a few key opportunities that would have had them leading. The Huskies looked like they could make a second half charge, but it wasn't to be.

  • And what about USC? Pretty much what you expected. In fact, you have to give credit to Nebraska for a pretty good game plan. By allowing USC to march down the field and score in four plays, the Trojans became disinterested for a little while. What a stroke of genius by Bill Callahan. But USC did become interested long enough to finally go ahead and blow Nebraska out of the building.
  • BTW Nebraska fan, that stadium looked pretty empty at the end of the game. Not a good representation of the alleged greatest fans in college football. Nebraska fans, for the past three weeks, had ripped USC fans on the Jim Rome Show, saying that USC fans don’t care and always leave early. But what where Nebraska fans going anyway? Seems like the highlight of living in Nebraska would be going to the football game, so why leave when you finally get the chance to see a real championship caliber team?
  • Anybody else notice that USC kicked off to open that game and to open the second half? At least they were trying to give Nebraska an advantage.
  • Boise State was decent enough to beat an underrated Wyoming team. Colt Brennan was as good as advertised against UNLV. He will not get any consideration for the Heisman Trophy, but it’s going to be hard to argue against his numbers. Yeah, you can say that Hawaii doesn’t play anybody, but don’t tell that to Wisconsin who had a pretty hard time getting rid of the Rebels the previous week.
  • The whole notion of the Pac-10 vs. SEC is pretty silly when Auburn loses at home to South Florida last week, and UCLA rolls over at Utah. The UCLA athletic department needs to make a real fund-raising push to hire a worthwhile coach. There were some deluded UCLA fans looking at 12-0 and a trip to New Orleans. No way. This team looks about 7-5, and a blowout victim at USC this year.


AND FINALLY
O.J. Simpson has been arrested and is being held without bail because of a recent break in attempt at the Palace Station in Las Vegas. (And despite being in Vegas this weekend, we had nothing to do with this.) The Palace Station will always be a special place, mostly because its Irish Bar once celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by hiring a Sting tribute band.

O.J. was arrested when he and a group of armed men, burst into a room, thinking that they had finally, after more than a decade, found the real killers.

But O.J., what were you thinking? You might believe you are impervious to the law, but any former U.S. President will tell you that you can kill all the people that you want, just don’t try breaking into hotel rooms.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Weak Ender

Friends, some disturbing news. It looks like Cowgirl has lost her gig at Sports Illustrated. Which probably comes as a shock to many of you, who didn’t even know that she had a job, other than showing up to football games in various stages of undress. Now, people tend to knock Cowgirl, but those people are just dopes. Anybody who has encouraged legions of liquored up young women to show up at football games dressed like they are going to an after hours party at Drais, should definitely be thanked by a grateful nation.

Word has it she has some other gig lined up. But until that time, the Sports Dork will now be the biggest boob on the Internet.

AMERICA’S TEAM
Speaking of the Sports Dork, the Chargers probably have America rooting for them because of the insufferable a-hole. Haven’t been to ESPN in quite some time, and life has been better since ignoring his predictable and tired diatribes.

Still, the Chargers are going to win this game. This is the perfect kind of game for the Chargers and Norv Turner to win – it’s meaningless. The Chargers need this as some sort of revenge. Turner needs this to prove that he’s not worthless. This all adds up. This game will be the Chargers Super Bowl until the dwindle down into a downward spiral.

YOUR COLLEGE FOOTBALL EXPERT
The biggest game of the weekend is USC at Nebraska. The game, however, has lost a lot of luster thanks to Nebraska’s flaccid performance against Wake Forest. Some thought that the Huskers might be looking ahead. But they just aren’t that good. And unfortunately, the people who make the lines feel the same way, installing USC as a 10-point favorite. If you follow that kind of thing. Which THN does not. But it still should be an entertaining game to watch. Thankfully, with the 5 p.m. start, the game will be over and will still give yours truly enough time watch the game, and then still get out to Sam Boyd Stadium to see Colt Brennan take on the UNLV Running Rebels at 6:30 p.m.

  • How badly is Auburn going to take out its frustration on Mississippi State?


  • Florida and Tennessee is a much anticipated match-up. Is there any way the Gators don’t run these guys off the field? Florida should win this game by 20, right?


  • Really put some thought into what would be better if Michigan or Notre Dame lost on Saturday. As fun as it would be for Notre Dame to start 0-3, you still feel Notre Dame is going to turn it around at some point this season. How can they not when you play Navy, Air Force and Servite High? Plus Charlie Weis deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe. But truth be told, watching Michigan flounder to 0-3 and wallow at the bottom of the Big Ten would really be something special. Besides, having the Big Ten exposed as the lowest of the power conferences kind of rules, too.


  • Book it: Washington over Ohio State.


THE NFL IN NFL ADAM
Outside of the Chargers and Patriots, the NFL is treating fans to another warm helping of dog droppings that are uninspired. Just think of some of the storylines generated this week. Who will start as at quarterback for the Raiders? Daunte Culpepper or Josh McCown. Seriously, are there Raiders fans anxiously banging away on their computers waiting for updates on that situation?

Look at the schedule, try to find one sexy match in this bunch. CBS is sending its top announcing team of Jim Nantz and that other guy to Chicago to watch the Chiefs and Bears game. A game where the Bears will probably win by 40. Can’t wait for that one.

  • New Yorkers finally got their wish as Eli Messiah and Chad Pennington both suffered injuries and could miss this weekend's set of games. But what excuse are they going to have when they lose this week? Hey, building for the future, right?


  • The Arizona Cardinals play host to the Seahawks this week. Here’s an interesting note, the Cardinals had a better division record than the Seahawks last season (4-2 to 3-3), but one only one game out of the division. O.k., it wasn’t that interesting.


  • New Orleans and Tampa Bay is interesting in the fact that the Buccaneers really need to win this game.


  • When Bill Belichick cheats on his wife, do you think he has a dude in an orange vest, sitting the closet tapping the whole thing?


  • Not sure if THN can mention this, but the Angels magic number sits at nine games right now. But seriously, sorry to bring this up for those of you who are offended by the mere mention of baseball, and don’t have the ability to skip the bullet points when you come across a subject that you don’t want to read about.


AND FINALLY
Greg Oden will miss the entire 2007 NBA season when fell in the bathtub and broke his hip. This is what happens when you draft 50-year old freshmen, people.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: St. Louis

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

St. Louis Football Team

Here is some sobering news for fans of the defunct Los Angeles Rams – if you have killed Georgia Frontandrearie in 1994, you would probably be out of jail right now. That is, assuming, that you would even have gone to jail at all.

Or if the police would have even bothered to find the real killer.

Hell, if the prosecution wouldn’t have cut a plea deal, straight up for a bag of potato chips.

If an actual NFL player had done the crime, then you know that he would not have had to go to jail. Although, Michael Vick has proven that the courts will lean on you pretty heavily if you kill a bitch. The point is, if you had killed Georgia Frontandrearie, you would be a free man right now and odds are, you would never have to buy a beer again in Sunset Beach (and probably the Catch in Anaheim, too). And that's just from Diane.

But what does any of this have to do with this year’s Super Bowl? Pretty much nothing, other than it’s safe to say that the Devil isn’t about to rip up that contract that he signed with Frontandrearie, and odds are that bill will come do and she will be pulling a train with Hitler and Pol Pot for eternity.

Evidence of that includes the fact that Orlando Pace is done for the season. Pace was probably the MVP of the St. Louis football team — the man they could least afford to lose. Sure, St. Louis had some success last year following the loss of Pace, but they also had Todd Steussie last year. Instead, St. Louis is going to go with Adam Goldberg at tackle. Now, Fletch can probably tell you that we’re all huge fans of Goldberg going back to his douche-bag character in Dazed and Confused. He was good in Saving Private Ryan. And hell, his character Eddie was decent on Friends (strange though, IMDB indicates that he also played a character on Joey, which seems weird unless they called back to the Eddie character).

In any event, decent actor, but odds are he isn’t going to be the dominating presence that St. Louis is looking for on the offensive line. Hell, he didn’t even play one of the football players in Dazed and Confused, how the hell can St. Louis expect him to lead the way for Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger.

Sorry St. Louis, your season is over.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Patriots

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The New England Patriots

A friend mentioned, moments after New England defeated the St. Louis football team in Super Bowl 36, that it was fitting that team called "The Patriots" would win following the tragic events of 9/11. And you have to figure that some fire fighter's widow, who was no longer able to feed her children, probably did rejoice in the fact that the Patriots won the Super Bowl.

The rest of us, however, were headed down to the Fremont sports book to cash in our bets that were paying close to $1K on a $100 money-line bet.

But much like the tragic events of 9/11, America is pretty much over the Patriots. And it’s not the recent cheating. If Bill Belichick was going to cheat on his wife, it only figures that he would be cheating in football games, too. Nobody can be surprised that about that.

Despite having the scruples of Barry Bonds, optimism for the Patriots is sky high. The main reason is Randy Moss, who made the Michigan Wolverines Jets look silly on Sunday. But here's the rub Patriots fan, we’ve seen this act before. Moss was incredible in his debut with the Raiders too, ironically against the Patriots.

Moss burned the Patriots for five receptions for 130 yards including a 73-yard touchdown in prime time for the Raiders. In fact, Moss was on a tear for the first four games of the season until, of course, he was punched in the mouth once and floundered the rest of the way. Now, many believe in the power of Hoodie and his ability to make team players out of malcontents, but it will take only one bad performance, or one poor throw from Tom Brady before the real Randy Moss exposes himself.

And not in the way that would make Joe Buck indignant.

No, the first week of the season and Moss' sky-high performance only makes the impending implosion of the Patriots that much more anticipated and titillating.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Cardinals

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Arizona Cardinals

By Lil' Hater


The Matt Leinart Foundation, according to the Cardinal QB’s Web Site, is designed to “create opportunities for children in need of extra special help.”

Like kids born out of wedlock to Cardinal QBs, perhaps.

Seriously, is this is just about the worst-ever idea for an athlete’s vanity charity effort? (Well besides Leonard Little’s Driving School for Drunks, or OJ’s Home for Battered Wives, or Mike Vick’s Puppy Farm, or Terry Sch… ah, I don’t go there.)

I checked the Foundation’s site, and couldn’t tell if Travis Henry was on the Board of Directors for Matt’s Urban Achievers. I’m assuming he is.

I’m also guessing that Matt’s dad is on the Board. Now, Lil' Hater may have had some run-ins with the elder Leinart in other lines of work; I think it’s fair to say that he comes from the Archie Manning School of Thin Skins when it comes to watching over his kid’s public image. Fortunately THN’s offices don’t have a phone line, or we’d likely be getting a nasty-gram any minute now.

But the bottom line is this, Pops: Joe Namath could get away with late-night partying, reckless driving, and whoring around, because he was, well, Joe Namath.

Your kid plays already had a questionable arm before getting off-season surgery. And he plays for the Cardinals, a joke franchise where its best players see enlisting as a good career move.

Based on the team’s history, Matt’s much more likely to be skateboarding with Todd Mariniovich down at Newport Beach in two years than be the next Broadway Joe.

And for god’s sake man, if you’re going to have a kid out of wed-lock, take some advice from the good QB’s in the league. Knock-up a supermodel or a Song Girl, not a WNBA wanna-be. Broadway Joe is not impressed.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Post Mortem

Who had the worst Sunday, Steven Jackson or Britney Spears? One looked bloated, unmotivated and disinterested going through the motions.

The other looked like a single mother desperately trying to make an ill-fated comeback. Seriously Britney, who is your personal trainer, Pink?

Now all of you fantasy football owners who drafted Jackson early in your draft probably don’t want to push the panic button just yet, but if Orlando Pace’s shoulder injury is serious, then the St. Louis Football Team is in some serious trouble. Added to the offensive line trouble are injuries to Richie Incognito and veteran Todd Steussie. Pace will go through an MRI on Monday, good luck to St. Louis if the news is bad, though Jay Glazer is reporting that Pace could miss the season. Not that anybody is going to waste any tears crying for that franchise. But what else can Glazer report? He works for one of the worst sports websites ever, so he needs to do something to make people notice him. Otherwise, he's out shilling the IFL with that genius, Frank Algebra.

NORV TURNER ERA
Boy, Norv Turner sure had the Chargers offense flying high in his head-coaching debut. What, gaining more than 200 yards for the game? Of course, the Chargers were playing a motivated Bears defense, and the team was hosed by a horrendous non-call on a blatant offsides by the Bears that resulted in a fumble, but the offense looked horrible. You could reason that if the Chargers did not receive that generous gift of Mike Scifres shank punt, that game could have easily gone the other way.

Thankfully for the Chargers, the Raiders and Chiefs look as miserable as ever. What was Kansas City thinking dumping Trent Green? Teams don’t have to respect the one-dimensional offense (much like the playoffs last year) and they are going to load the box against Larry Johnson. The AFC West could definitely have three teams who could win only four games this season. And Denver, don’t think that you are much better. There were numerous plays by Jay Cutler last year that looked very Jake Plummer-like.

Wow, is 7-9 going to win this division?

PAC-10 RULES
Looks like your college football expert is the one eating the merde sandwich this week. Washington is much better than anticipated. We all knew Jake Locker was going to be something special, but the defense was exceptionally good, really handcuffing Boise State on Saturday. Make no mistake about it, the Huskies are going to beat No. 10 Ohio State on Saturday. Washington probably doesn’t have enough to make it a blowout, but they will win a close game.

Speaking of the Big Ten, Michigan might be the worst team in college football. Oregon, let’s face it, is from the Pac-10 so they are more talented. But where was the heart Michigan? The Wolverines just up and quit, that not only embarrassed half of the state. But Hugh Jackman, who played Wolverine in the X-Men movies, was also deeply disturbed by the performance.

How does Lloyd Carr still have a job?

Arizona State is flying under the radar this season. The Devils started slow against Colorado, but really put a beating on them scoring 33 unanswered points. Dennis Erickson is probably cheating, and probation probably isn’t too far away, but this team is good.

USC is going to have a tough time going through the Pac-10 schedule undefeated. The Pac-10 is loaded this year, and to think otherwise is complete ignorance.

BTW Wisconsin, nobody is forgetting about you, either. UNLV could have won that game. The Running Rebels football program should be so much better than it is. While you don’t want to build a program on moral victories, you had to be impressed with the performance.

  • Welcome to the NFL Calvin Johnson. So much for that vaunted Raiders defense. Seriously, if anybody really wanted to put up huge points on the Raiders, they would. But with that offense, nobody has to try.


  • How bad is the Cowboys secondary, after it allowed Eli Messiah to just walk through them on Sunday night?


  • Do you think Jim Sorgi's Mom was rolling through the channels last night, a few scotches under her belt, when she came across the Messiah on Sunday Night Football? She probably hurled that glass across the room screaming, "Cheese and rice, I can get away from these mother (fornicating) Mannings!"


  • Having Joe Buck off of the FOX morning show is a much-needed relief. But he really ruined the broadcast of the Chargers game. He and Troy Aikman complained about Chargers fans complaining of the heat, saying, “Move to St. Louis.” That’s the problem Joe, nobody wants to move from San Diego to St. Louis. Seriously, why couldn’t Joe Buck be Chris Benoit’s son?


  • Enjoy Randy Moss while you can New England fan, he will be hurt or pouting within a couple of weeks. Oh, Randy is a joy when things are going well, but once something goes wrong, look out.


  • Did anybody else notice that LT’s touchdown run in second half looked kind of like that Nike commercial?


  • Jason Elam is married to a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic and Broncos cheerleader. On Sunday you found out why—huge huevos.


  • Remember when the Miami vs. Oklahoma game meant something? The bad news is that the Sooners will likely go through the weak Big XII undefeated and get a shot at the SEC or Pac-10 winner. And once again, they will get run out of the stadium.


  • The best part of the Notre Dame and Michigan game this week is that somebody is going 0-3.


AND FINALLY
Troy Glaus took HGH to help him return from what was supposed to be a season-ending injury in 2004. Maybe that explains why the Angels were so quick to get rid of him at the end of the season. And that makes sense why the team was so upset with the Sarge Jr. earlier this season. When you think of it, the Angels got rid of its other obvious steroid user, too, David Eckstein. So it’s good to see the Angels take a stand in such a serious issue.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Falcons

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Atlanta Falcons

Uh, Joey Harrington is your quarterback. Give him a few weeks and you'll all be saying, "You know, dog fighting isn't that bad."

Friday, September 07, 2007

The Weak Ender

Tough call this week, on a TWE Girl, seeing that the Angels again scored 10 runs, but also the fact that the Vanessa Hudgens nude pictures are real. That's right, the Vanessa Hudgens nude pictures are real. Now, if you can indulge this thought, lusting after Elizabeth Berkley (or Kelly) never seemed particularly odd because although Saved by the Bell was as teenage show, at least we are roughly the same age as Berkley, so it seemed alright. But the fascination over Vanessa Hudgens nude photos (even though she is 18), just doesn't seem right. Kind of like the Alison Stokke thing all over again.

So seek out Vanessa Hudgens nude photos if you like, you just aren't going to find them here.

Where we will instead lust after the 18-year Hooters girls serving more free wings, thanks in part to the worst cleanup hitter in baseball, Garret Anderson. Thanks again to Jonah Keri for that.

COLTS WIN
Everybody believed that the Saints were going to have one of the top offenses in the league this season. So the Colts defense goes out and holds the Saints offense to three points and the Madden Horse Trailer player of the game goes to... Peyton Manning? It's like the damn Super Bowl MVP voting all over again.

Not sure how many of you get to watch the live feeds of these games, but during one commercial break, John Madden and Al Michaels were discussing giving it to a defensive player, but they reasoned that Manning was the face of the organization so he should get it. And that's how you end up with stuff like Manning getting the Super Bowl MVP award.

That being said, the Saints are going to be a bad, bad ball club this year. Pity those of you who took Drew Brees in your fantasy league. The guy has one great year, followed by a clunker. He did it in San Diego, he's going to do it in New Orleans.

Anyway, let's get ready for the weekend.

COLLEGE
  • Two key college games this weekend, Oregon at Michigan, and Boise State at Washington. Looks like it could be a merde sandwich for the Pac-10 this week. There is no possible way that Michigan can start the season 0-2 at home right? Oregon is going to get beat something fierce. If not, Lloyd Carr just might as well resign if they lose. The Broncos are also going to kick the tar out of the Huskies, too.

  • Hard to believe, but Boise has a better program than Washington right now. Not quite as down on Ty as, say, Notre Dame fans, but Boise is a national power. This actually would be a great win for the Huskies to get back to respectability, but just can't see it.

  • Some other good games to look forward to include Miami at Oklahoma. This one would be much better if Miami was a touch more gifted offensively. The defense should be good enough to keep it close, though.

  • Fresno State at Texas A&M could be cool, too, if the Bulldogs could find a way to stay in this thing. And by Bulldogs, that means the Aggies cheerleaders.

  • Notre Dame is also looking at 0-2 but, unlike Michigan, they just don't have the talent to pull off the victory. And there would be something satisfying to have Washington become better before Notre Dame picks itself off the mat. Well, if they ever do.

NFL
  • Thankfully, the NFL will put the Cowboys vs. Giants game on Sunday night, since the whole Manning family seems a touch under-exposed. And has anybody else noticed that mother Manning has more speaking parts than Eli? Smart move. But you know who should get a commercial Jim Sorgi's mom. She should be on one of those DirecTV commercials, all loaded, saying, "I used to go to the games. But that (European cigarette) Peyton always plays. Even in a blow out loss, that homo is still throwing bombs to Reggie Wayne. So I have DirecTV, just in case that little jerk breaks his ankle, and my boy has to come in and save the day. And really, I don't want to sit next to that (female dog) Mama Manning, who thinks she's so big."

  • Hard to tell whose fall from grace is more enjoyable, Tony Dungy or Tiki Barber? You can fool the public only for so long before you eventually reveal yourself as a fundamentalist racist, or a selfish jerk. Barber should have dedicated a chapter of his book to how Tom Coughlin saved his career by teaching him how to carry a football.

  • How is the Detroit and Oakland game not the Monday night game? They could have dubbed it the ImpossiBowl and had great ratings. And for those of you looking for Calvin Johnson to have a break out game, it ain't happening. At least not against Oakland.

  • Chargers prediction coming from Lil' Hater is that LaDainian Tomlinson will either have 50 carries this week, or five. Which seems possible. But remember that Michael Turner is nursing an injury and Norv is probably going to run the ball a ton. But this can't be pretty. You'd almost have to think that Turner's season is on the line already. If the Chargers don't beat the Bears he is in serious danger of losing the team.

  • The Buccaneers are in a similar situation going up to Seattle. Probably not quite as dramatic for Patron Saint Gruden because they are on the road, but if the team is going to be as good as some people (like yours truly) believe, a road win like this would be a very good start.

  • And other than that, while it's great to have football back in our lives, there isn't a lot of compelling or must-see matchups in the first week of the season, other than the previously mentioned games.

AND FINALLY
For starters, Dave Serrano is rumored to be leaving UCI for Cal State Fullerton. This has to happen. But the biggest beef is with the show Big Brother. Yes, it's just a reality TV show, but if yours truly was on this season (and no truth to the rumor that an application was submitted), there would be a lawsuit because of the unfairness of having a father/daughter on the show, basically working together all season. This goes far beyond Showmance and stuff, because they would never break that alliance.

And for Eric, that poor America's Player deal ruined his game. But it also might have saved him because the producers begged people not to eliminate Eric back when he was on the block. He can complain about the Denatos turning on him, but they saved him weeks ago, so don't get all indignant. Still, that would be a pisser to have that thing hanging over your head each week, and he should demand another shot at the game.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bengals

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Cincinnati Bengals

Gay rumors are about as inevitable as a Bengals choke job, but Carson Palmer obviously doesn’t seem too concerned. Palmer has thumbed his nose at this conventional thinking by hosting his own Cornhole Classic each year. Çan't he go by the game's more masculine name, bags? Oh wait.

So with the hot dog ad and promoting Cornholing, Palmer can’t buy a gay rumor and that is what will ultimately cost the Bengals, here.

Sure, you could point to the fact that Marvin Lewis is, like, the defensive version of Brian Billick, a defensive coach whose teams can’t seem to stop anybody. Or that the Bengals have more collapses than, well, Bain already used a Minnesota bridge collapse joke this week, so you can’t really go there. But trust us, the Bengals collapse all of the time.

None of that matters because nobody thinks Palmer is a fruit. Palmer could have shown up at a Gay Pride festival sitting in the lap of Charles Nelson Riley and nobody would have even given it a second thought. Everybody thinks he’s straight. And the cold reality in the NFL is that more often than not, for an NFL quarterback to be successful, people have to think that he’s gay.

The lone exception being Kordell Stewart.

But look at some of the winning Super Bowl quarterbacks over the past 15 years or so: Troy Aikman, Steve Young, John Elway (you wouldn’t think so, but why did Janet Elway need a new colon?), Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

The only guy who didn’t bend Terrell Owen’s gaydar were Brett Favre and Kurt Warner who just seems to prefer ugly chicks with dude's haircuts. Ben Roethlisberger escapes this wrap, too, but he was outplayed by Matt Hasselbeck, who is a fruit. So much so that he passed of Elisabeth to his brother, Tim. And there is no way there will be a link to that shirtless photo shoot with Trent Dilfer, who also has been rumored to be a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

So nice try Carson, you really gave it a go, but you are just too straight to win a Super Bowl.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Chargers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. And since we're cueing music now, below is one of The Bain's favorites to enjoy while you read.



San Diego Chargers

By The Bain

Last year I floated two claims that drew howls:

1) The Chargers were the most overrated team in the NFL.
2) New England, who I hate, would beat them in their own house.

I took a lot of crap for stating such nonsense, most of it from the direction of Chargerville. My SoCal friends are smart. They're always happy to lend a clue to flyover rubes like me who can't hang. I just hope my SoCal friends knew enough to wager on New England straight up, like I did, and didn't bet their hearts like some visor-clad couple from Des Moines who splits 10s because that's the age of their grandchildren.

The deed took sixty minutes. With pinky-raised white gloves, Tom Brady deposited Shawne Merriman's testicles into his smart Italian handbag, snapped shut the ornate pearl clasps, and boarded a jet to Indy, leaving his henchmen to subject the Charger's midfield logo to acts not seen since the reign of Caligula. Then the fun really started, with Phil Rivers doing his best Frank Burns imitation and LaDainian Tomlinson unveiling his inner pants pisser. And he couldn't stop! For a week afterward, LT showed up everywhere, summoning the world to rue his violation. I half expected him to run onstage at the Super Bowl, shove Prince off the mic, and whine "I'd like to say a few more things regarding the classless behavior of the New England Patriots..."

Everyone seems to be picking San Diego to win it this season. Their reasoning? Ask them, and to a man the reply will be, "Because it's the same team as last year."

That's like saying Kate Hudson will come back to you because you tried to kill yourself.

To be nice, let me assume that they mean, "Because it's the same team that looked like they could have won it all last year... until the post season, when they unzipped their Incredibles costumes and out stepped the Benoit family. Same bunch. Same streaky, unproven quarterback. Same defense whose most memorable play was a headbutt. Same running back on whose ligaments and tendons the whole franchise rides."

Same team as last year.

Well, there is one change. Norv Turner may be a marvel of evolution, but coaching requires more than the ability to peck bits of seaweed from coastal rocks and pose stoicly for German eco-tourists. Hoodie is in the Chargers' head now. Does anyone really believe Norv Turner is the surgeon to remove that mass?

If the Lombardi Trophy was awarded to teams because their honks thought they deserved it, the Chargers would have won twelve by now. The rest would have gone to the Vikings. And really, what is San Diego but Minneapolis with a few beaches and bridges that work? Forget about the Super Bowl, Whale's Vagina; you ain't getting it. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get back to the things for which you're famous: Tijuana, brush arson, Bush's flight suit, and annual scenes of gaudy tract mansions tumbling into the Pacific on rivers of E. coli.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

SUPER BOWL BUZZ KILL: RACIAL SLURS


You're team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation blah blah blah... cue MY music... What? I was told there'd be music! O.K. if you're reading this just put on "Thunderfist" by the Aggrolites and turn the bass up...

The Washington Racial Slurs

By The Hatriot

Ah the Racial Slurs, the obnoxious bigoted uncle at the wedding rehearsal dinner of the NFC...

Providing further evidence that the universe is just, the Slurs have had just four winning seasons since ’92. While every schoolboy knows they went 5-11 last year, their 1-5 division record gives a more accurate picture of this team. The fact that their one division win came at the expense of the Cowboys is just more proof that the Creator loves us and wants us to be happy. This feature really should be called .500 Buzz Kill.

O.K., show of hands: Who thinks that adding London Fletcher and a rookie strong safety will make the 31st ranked defense competitive this year? Oh, I almost forgot about Fred Smoot. No word on what hooker-chasing Dr. Seuss character will be lining up at DB on the other side. Thanks to a soft-as-warm-butter schedule the Slurs have a shot at improving to 6-10 or maybe even 7-9. Meanwhile, Slurs fans will definitely be on pins and needles waiting to see who goes on the DL first: Jason Campbell or Clinton Portis. And there’s always the popular Smallpox Infested Blanket Giveaway promotion to look forward to.

You know, whether it’s making fun of Cowboy Honk’s man-crush on George Horton, or just reminding everyone that Tony Romo is gay, I always try to pay it forward here at THN. With that in mind, let me offer the Slurs a couple of suggestions for names that are less offensive than their current one. Of course, the Dallas franchise could change its name to the Presidential Assassins and it still wouldn’t be as offensive as the Slurs. Given that the team plays in our nation’s capital, home of armchair warriors and serial deferments, The Chickenhawks has a nice ring to it. No? Well then, in light of the recent activities of certain “Family Values” politicians, I say “Go Washington Blumpkins!”

In the end, you have to give them credit. The Slurs didn’t go half-in and wind up with a moniker that just shows bad taste and insensitivity like, say, the Braves. Nope, they went out and found the most offensive term for a Native American they could and slapped that on their gear. Stay classy, Washington.