Friday, August 31, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Packers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Green Bay Packers

The Packers are going to be interesting this season, but of course, all of the early season hype will surround Brett Favre and his quest to break one of the all-time records in sports as he becomes the NFL’s interception king. And that march towards the record could be a little distracting. Especially if some of the rumors are true that Favre has been, well, maybe using some performance enhancers to extend his career and make a push for the record.

Because as anybody knows, if Jake Plummer ever comes out of retirement, he is definitely going to break Favre’s all-time interception record.

Still, you hope that Favre has been doing it naturally, much the same way that George Blanda did. The former Bears, Raiders, Oilers, etc. quarterback did it on hot dogs and beer. But how did Favre do it?

THN dug up a college photo from Southern Miss to take a look at how the elder statesmen’s body has changed through the years. Because if we have learned anything from the Barry Bonds chase, it’s this—if your body does not look the same as it did when you where in college, you are on the juice. Hell, if your body doesn’t look the same from when you were in your mid 20s, you are certainly one the juice.

And sadly, but looking at the picture, we can see that Favre has gained a little weight from his college days. His arms practically doubled in size. Shame on you, Brett.

This could derail a rather promising season for Green Bay. Honestly, the Packers are on to something here. The young defense, led by A.J. Hawk and veterans such as Charles Woodson has a chance to be really good. Rookie receiver James Jones is going to be the starter by the fourth week, if not sooner because of injuries. Then you have a miserable division with the Vikings and Lions, plus the Bears will come back to Earth as most Super Bowl runners up do, there could be a chance for the Packers to win the division. The only concern is Brandon Jackson and Vernand Morency at running back. They aren’t good. Green Bay has enough to make it to the playoffs, but beyond that? Probably not. Especially as those whispers get louder.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Buccaneers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Now, long-time readers of The Hater Nation know that the Buccaneers preview provides a perfect opportunity to talk about Carmella DeCashowdidyouscorethischick? And you’re right. This would be a perfect opportunity, but the truth is, there is a lot of love for Jeff Garcia. And one of the THN patron saints, Jon Gruden. So it’s hard to talk about this team.

And let’s not forget about The Captain. Not the fruity mascot from the 1970s, but an actual fan that we drank beers with prior to Super Bowl 37 in San Diego. A dude we ended up hugging after that glorious Buccaneers victory.

Well, hopefully he was a Buccaneers fan and not some dude in an eye patch, because that would be like, totally embarrassing.

But back to the matter at hand, the Buccaneers aren’t going to win the Super Bowl. And they aren’t going to the Super Bowl. The unimaginative football sites can poke fun at the Bucs quarterback position, noting that Jake Plummer would have rather retired than play in Tampa Bay. And that’s lame.

But there might be some truth to it. Not that Jake wouldn’t want to compete with Garcia and Chris Simms and that polish guy, but who the hell is going to catch the ball on this team? Boise State has a more reliable group of receivers. Seems that maybe instead of picking up quarterbacks the way homeless pirates in San Diego collect bottles and hugs, the team might have gone out and addressed that glaring need at receiver. A position so bad, that Buccaneers fans are reminiscing about the Keyshawn Johnson era.

Sorry Tampa, much love for you, but it just ain’t happening.

Tossed salad and scrambled eggs

The true downside of the Angels sweep of the Mariners is that the Yankees are now tied for the wild card lead in the AL. Not that it matters, as the Yanks have been nothing but a speed bump for the Angels in the postseason, and there is nothing to suggest that things will be anything different this season.

But you almost have to pity Seattle. A town that is unremarkable, other than its weather. And if you really must know the truth, New York City gets more rainfall each year than Seattle, meaning that the one thing its known for, other than a high suicide rate, was once again stolen by Gotham City. That suicide rate probably spiked on Wednesday like it was a Dungy family reunion after realizing that the Mariners were once again destined to play second fiddle in the AL West. Not that a five-game deficit (with 29 games to play) is insurmountable, but Seattle was already going downhill before the Angels kicked out the parking break.

Still, thanks for the hospitality Seattle, it was a nice way to start the week. And if it makes you feel any better, the rest of the country is pulling for you to win the wild card, so good luck with all of that.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Seahawks

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Seattle Seahawks

Injuries derailed the Seattle Seahawks who did the impossible last season—being a Super Bowl runner up that actually made the playoffs the following year. Though, when you really think about it, the Seahawks really did outplay the Steelers in Super Bowl 40, so it is only fitting that the Steelers choked like a Super Bowl runner up, while the Hawks gutted out another NFC West title.

And there’s the rub. The Hawks have ruled the roost in the NFC West, the NFL equivalent of summer school. But getting to the Super Bowl is another challenge because of the injuries.

Shaun Alexander last year tried to pray his way to health and that didn’t quite work out. Not to knock anybody’s spirituality, but this whole notion of God as a super hero is kind of offensive. A poster on some message board somewhere might have put it best when he/she said that God is not some genie in a bottle who grants wishes when you rub the bottle. God does not care about sporting events.

Or so you would think.

Turns out that God cares. A lot. Once knew a dude who was in God’s fantasy football league and he said that The Almighty was a serious competitor. He is also a big Kurt Warner fan, too, although he was pissed that he plugged his son instead of him after the Super Bowl, but God ain’t mad at him. Besides, after marrying Brenda is there really anything God could do to Warner at this point?

Don’t think that God doesn’t put a hand in determining the outcome of certain sporting events. God healed Terrell Owens leg because he knew it would be more painful for T.O. to actually be on the field and lose than to stand on the sidelines and think that he could have made a difference.

And do we even have to talk about the Buccaneers and Super Bowl 37?

Of course, the non-believers will point to Georgia Frontandrearie and Art Modell, and that’s tough to explain, but hey God work’s in mysterious ways.

But rest assured that God cares about sports (and reality TV… keep praying Amber), but that is going to work heavily against the Seahawks. And it has nothing to do with those lame uniforms. Turns out God is a huge Texas A&M fan. Huge. The deity doesn’t think much of the Seahawks stealing that whole 12th Man thing from Texas A&M. Seriously Seattle, why did you stop there? Why not go for a Gig ‘em Seahawks?

So there you have it. God hates the Seahawks, who have probably always suspected as much.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Raven

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Raven

Stacy Keibler was once a Raven cheerleader. Now their cheerleaders have a bunch of dudes like
this guy
.

Kind of a let down, huh? And that is what Raven has become. Probably the biggest letdown in the NFL.

Overshadowed in the Chargers epic meltdown against New England, was Raven’s absolutely flaccid performance against the Colts. Getting hoodwinked by the Patriots is one thing, but Tony Dungy outwitted Brian Billick, and killed any hope of delivering the one game everybody wanted to see last year, Raven vs. The Chargers.

Raven had the league’s best defense, but once again, the offense continues to be a sore spot. The team managed just six points against the Colts. Yes, that’s right, six freaking points. But not that anybody should be surprised. Raven has a great defense every year, but the offense blows. Then some wiseass in the booth points out that Billick was an amazing offensive coordinator in Minnesota, but he can never seem to get anything going in Baltimore. So they will continue to recycle offensive coordinator like Jim Fassel. Who got fired. They go through countless quarterbacks, like Steve McNair, who will eventually fail. Like he did last year. (Hey, what the hell was wrong with Trent Dilfer who won you a Super Bowl?) Now it’s Willis McGahee’s turn to come to Baltimore with a lot of promise, but he too will ultimately fail to get the Ravens going.

Hey, has anybody ever thought of getting rid of Billick? Raven seems content on pissing years away of having the best defense while the offense continues to grind its gears.

Look for Raven to have another great year, even with New England and Indy slated for December visits. Just don’t expect that offense to do anything as the team lets everybody down again.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Broncos

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Denver Broncos

By The Bain

Sometimes I bag on THN. What do you expect? I've been here since the ground was broken. Like the dirty-mouthed old drunk who's watched his watering hole gentrified by a neighborhood influx of yuppies, I sit at the bar smoking Dutch Masters through my tracheotomy hole, rolling my cankered tongue at the young women, and loudly deriding the new brass rails and ferns, some of them planted in pots, others planted at keyboards. I keep it real, as you white children say.

I'm a ballet enthusiast. Used to don the satin codpiece myself back in the day and am quite versed in all technical aspects of dance. Perhaps the finest pas de doh I've ever witnessed unfolded right here at THN last season, after the Denver Broncos used their first draft pick to select Jay Cutler, a move that shocked Jake Plummer as much as it did his fans. And there used to be some very big Jake Plummer fans twirling on their toes here at THN.

To those of us who recognized early in his career that Plummer is a sh*t hook, the move was no surprise. In 2006, after watching the aspirations of his perfectly healthy Broncos team get pissed away at home in the AFC Championship because of the phoned-in effort of a smelly, unkempt, foul mouthed, bird-flipping punk with the arm of a penguin, Mike Shanahan saw the writing on the wall.

"Anyone can fling it ten yards," Coach huffed to reporters after that game. "Janet Elway's colon can fling it ten yards."

A dig at Plummer?

Not if you asked the Cult of Jake. No, to hear it from Plummer fans, there were dozens of possible reasons why the Donks cashed out on a quarterback — because they wanted Jake to know he had a good backup, because they wanted to season Cutler for a lucrative future trade, because Cutler has amazing clipboard strength, because Cutler has brown hair, because Arthur Godfrey's dick was huge — not one of them being that they had a problem at QB.

Of course, that was it. Halfway through the season, Dirt Lip got the cane, freeing him to play professional handball, a sport perfectly suited to Plummer in that it a) has no fans, b) can be played drunk, and c) seldom requires passes of more than seven or eight feet.

Enough ancient history, you say. Why won't the Broncos win the Super Bowl now that they have a quarterback who can launch it? Answer: because their defense is going to be awful. In lunging for Cutler, the Donks neglected some glaring D problems, leaving them with a pass rush so flaky the Pillsbury Doughboy could use it for a fifi. In the secondary, Lynch and Bailey can still bring it, but they're getting old. Employing this pair as the last line of defense between LT and the endzone is like hiring Chris Benoit to manage a Bed Bath & Beyond. Mishaps are inevitable.

And that's why history matters. Had Denver said "no thanks" when Jake's Snake Oil Show rolled past town, their roster wouldn't be so flimsy. As it stands, the Donks approach this season like Steve Irwin bobbing toward the Barrier Reef... wild-eyed, misguided, and certain to be penetrated.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Post Mortem

Some people just never learn.

Daunte Culpepper has looked good during the preseason, and already the stories are out about the quarterback’s renaissance. Pep was amazing against the St. Louis football team and has played pretty well in the preseason leading to many proclamations by Raiders fans that the old Culpepper is back. Maybe the Raiders should consider trading JaMarcus Russell because Culpepper is the man, according to HowieLover75 on some Raiders message board. A thought echoed by many.

Hey morons, now it’s evident that using a crushed Coke can as a pipe has eroded your brain enough to allow you to be a Raiders fan. But it was only last (expletive) year that the Raiders were 4-1 in the preseason, leading all of the lemmings in the spike shoulder pads to believe that last year was going to be the Raiders rebirth under Art Shell.

How did that work out for you?

But hell, why tell you this? Yes, put your entire future on Culpepper’s shoulders and trade away Russell. Because winning preseason games seems like the only thing you are striving for and capable of.

NFL’s LEADING SCORER
The NFL has a new scoring champion, but no, it is not LaDainian Tomlinson’s record that has fallen. Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry is the father of nine children out of wedlock. That’s right Mrs. Bueller, nine children out of wedlock. Wow, who still has unprotected sex? After the third or fourth kid, the thought never occurred to him to wrap the thing up? Hell, a vasectomy would probably have been a better option if he wanted to continue to test fate. Speaking of which, knowing that Henry rides bareback should be comforting to those on the bottom of the pile.

And no, Henry didn’t harm any animals so that will thankfully keep people from thinking about the 18 lives that he might not have ruined, but probably put them at a heavy disadvantage.

And now, watching the NFL preseason so you don’t have to.

  • The St. Louis football team is playing a game at Oakland. Uh, does somebody need to send Al Qaeda a football schedule?
  • Damon Huard has been selected to be the Chiefs starting quarterback in Kansas City, not because he was so impressive. Hell, he didn’t even play this week. But rather, Brodie Croyle is just that awful. Wow, a quarterback from the SEC who blows. You never see that happening. So it will be Huard for the Chiefs. Might as well go ahead and spend that playoff ticket deposit now.
  • There was a LenDale White sighting. Hey, he might not be one of the most disappointing players in the NFL. But you know it’s preseason when Vince Young is actually completing passes.
  • With the birth of Tom Brady’s son this week, Hollywood should brace itself for the invasion of two quarterback Hollywood star (expletives) in 18 years when Baby Brady and Baby Leinart are hitting the club circuit and playing college football. And here is a little fantasy advice, stay away from any Carolina Panthers players. That offense is, well, offensive. That Panther of the side of the helmet should be viewed as a huge warning sign.
  • Again, you should never wager on preseason games, but putting your money on Gomer in meaningless games always seems profitable, probably because he’s the only one who cares. What are his numbers in the Pro Bowl and preseason? Probably staggering when compared against his playoff and Super Bowl numbers. Hell, even Jim Sorgi got into the act. You know it just kills Sorgi to have to show up to these games sober. They should have gone Pop Warner and had Sorgi suit up for the Lions. what the hell happened to all of the Lions quarterbacks? The team had toyed with the idea of exhuming the body of George Plimpton to play QB on Saturday night.
  • So God will give us a lightning storm to spare us the horror of watching a Redskins football game, and yet Dick Cheney is still alive? Something just doesn’t add up here. Then again, God's involved with more important things, like who is going to win the veto competition on Big Brother.
  • Rex Grossman seemed to have a little bit of redemption when he tossed two touchdowns on Saturday night. But then he had to throw that interception, which was returned for a touchdown. So really, he tossed three touchdowns. But maybe the Bears should look into a system where Grossman only plays half of a game, and Brian Griese can play the second half. Hey, that might work.
  • What are the Browns waiting for with Brady Quinn? He’s looked against third-stringers in preseason, but maybe you ought to give him a chance against the starters just to see what happens.
  • What was Norv Turner trying to prove by keeping Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates in the game so long on Saturday? But Chargers fans had better get used to those games coming down to the wire, and hoping that the team’s superior players can make enough plays to win the game, because San Diego will never out-coach anybody.
  • Looks like the Wanderers picked the wrong week to pull out of their funk. Especially for us die-hard Reading fans. But please, refrain from the Kansas City Royals jokes.
  • The Angels open a critical three-game series at Seattle this week, but the obvious question is where is ESPN for all of this? Heated division rivals and two of the top three teams in the American League (if not all of baseball). And yet, the ESPN hype machine is nothing but a whimper.Fifty three of 1,000 words, and THN will be accused of being a Angels blog again. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

AND FINALLY
Leave it to Chad Johnson to add to the insanity of the whole Michael Vick situation with this gem.

"I love Vick," he said. "Everybody makes mistakes. The president of the United States made a mistake. To everybody that gets to see this: All y'all have made mistakes. Maybe not as big as this one. But we all make mistakes.

"We all have grown to love Vick the football player. I still love Vick the football player. I love Vick the person. He made a mistake. I'm going to support him regardless.

"And he will be back, man. You know he'll be back playing. He's one of the greatest athletes to ever play the game - ever. He'll be back, and he'll still be able to do the same things he's done on the field."

Yes, but did Haliburton get rich off the dog fighting?

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Weak Ender

Justin Timberlake is going to portray a hockey player in some upcoming movie, with Jessica Alba playing his love-starved wife. (Sorry, FanHouse already made the Timberlake is bringing hockey back joke.) What is interesting to note here, is that Alba was, at first, going to play the owner of a hockey team. Not that she would be the first hot chick to play a professional sports owner in a movie. That title, of course, going to Timberlake’s ex, Cameron Diaz, who when she heard that Alba was going to play a female sports owner, threw a container of Clearasil across the room and screeched, “Whore!”

Oh, and if you have never had the opportunity to Google search Jessica Alba picks, just realize that Ms. Alba loves to sunbath while laying on her stomach. A lot.

O.J. SIMPSON’S LETTER TO MIKE VICK
THN was able to snag a copy of O.J. Simpson’s letter to Michael Vick, wondering why he turned himself in. No seriously, this is totally real.

Dear Mike,

What the hell are you thinking? Believe me I feel you. I know what it’s like to have to kill a bitch that is acting out. But damn son, all you have to do is prove to 12 idiots who couldn’t get out of jury duty that some racist cracker cop planted those dogs in your yard. What you should have done was have Warrick Dunn lead a slow-speed police chase through Atlanta, showed that the bloody leash did fit and then write a book entitled, “If I did run my own dog fighting ring.”

If you had done that, you and I would be sipping rum and cokes, drunk dialing Fred Goldman while burning $100 bills on the golf course in Florida while searching for the real backers of that dog fighting ring. You messed up man.

Regards,
The Juice.

Wow, O.J. makes a good point. Always take the jury trial Michael.

  • All of the dogs confiscated at Michael Vick’s property will be put down. Say what you will about Vick, but at least he gave those dogs a fighting chance.
  • No legal expert here, but why wouldn't Vick just hire Lindsey Lohan or Nicole Richie's lawyers? He'd be out of jail in a day, and starting for the Falcons this week.
  • Who starts for the Raiders first, JaMarcus Russell or Mike Vick? You know that's where Vick ends up in 200.
  • The Angels took two of three from the Yankees and Red Sox, but dropped the final game in each series. That, of course, led to a wild celebration by Yankees and Red Sox fans who partied like it was the World Series. But you can forgive Yankees fans seeing it’s been so long since they won a world title.
  • NFL preseason football: Making life easier for Orioles fans.


AND FINALLY
Just completed a fantasy draft this week and took Gomer in the first round. (Hey, don’t be stupid, the guy puts up gaudy fantasy numbers.) What’s interesting is that Sportsline shows you statistics on the percentage of people who own certain players. For instance,
Gomer is owned in 99 percent of fantasy leagues out there. But what league is this 1 percent? Like, let’s say your quarterback goes down and you have to search the waiver wire… oh look, here’s Gomer Manning.

You have to image that 1 percent league is the Jim Sorgi family fantasy league. You just know that Jim Sorgi’s mother is convinced that her son is just as good, if not better, than that pretty boy, Gomer. You could just imagine Sorgi’s mom getting loaded during a game and screaming at Gomer. “Hey, put Jim in, you fundamentalist (expletive) Dungy. (Expletive) Peyton Manning. What? I don’t care if Archie is sitting over there. He should be out watching that (kitty cat) Eli, instead of showing up here. Plus he has two sons in the NFL, why can’t my boy play?”

Man, the Colts family section must be fun. Well, as long as one of the Dungy kids doesn’t take too many Advils or something.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Giants

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The New York Giants

The Giants, to nobody’s surprise, managed to stay in the spotlight during the offseason thanks in no small part to a couple of fabricated controversies. For starters, the Michael Strahan saga is one of the most overblown stories out there. Honestly, some journeyman defensive end is holding out for more money. How is this news? The only thing Strahan likes more than Brett Favre taking a dive is any sort of media attention. Now that his wife has left him and he’s become about as interesting as a red balloon in front of Terry Schiavo, he decided to hold out. That is the kind of move traditionally reserved for the media whores who appear on Big Brother or The Real World. Next thing you know, Strahan is going to parade around the Giants practice facility in a red leotard. But here’s the scoop Mike, nobody cares. You could retire tomorrow and nobody would notice.

Then you have the alleged feud between Tiki Barber and Eli Messiah. And even Gomer got into the mix, making it the world’s lamest three-way since Charles Nelson Riley and Lyle Waggoner double-teamed Brett Somers. But please tell me that you didn’t believe, for a second, that the Barber Messiah exchange was legitimate. This was obviously a WWF-style work, and please, don’t be duped into it.

Hell, the fake feud between Elisabeth Filarski and Rosie was far more believable, and a lot more entertaining that showed that Barber and Messiah can’t play, nor fight better than girls. Sorry, the only way a Giant is going to the Super Bowl is if the Oxygen Network hires Tiki to do remotes from Arizona in February, because the team certainly isn’t going anywhere.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Eagles

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Philadelphia Eagles

By Lil' Hater

Having good players is important, but if you want your team to gain Super Bowl Glory, the coach has to come up big with a new scheme no one has ever considered before.

I’m talking the Counter-Trey. The West Coast Offense. The 4-3. And in the Raider’s case, Cheating.

If you’re a coach ahead of the times, you have to expect copycats. And it’s pretty obvious what the coaching fraternity’s go-to method for winning the big game is going to be now: getting your f’ed up kids killed.

Tony Fundee’s (allegedly) piss-poor parenting led to a run on rope sales in Florida and the loss of his only gay (allegedly) son. But hey, the uptight baldy won a title, defeating the (this part is true) worst cast of playoff characters ever, but whatever.

Why bring this up for the Eagles? Simply put, Andy Reid’s kids really need to do better.

Yeah, Britt Reid has some gun issues recently and Garrett Reid is acting Lindsay Lohan-esque, but hey, they’re still breathing. If the team wants a winner, it’s clear a dirt-nap or two is in order here.

The fact that Coach Reid took a leave of absence to care for the kids isn’t helping either. Fundee would’ve spent that time preaching against the queers.

This methodology isn’t just related to the Eagles. The Hater Nation has learned that not only are Norv Turner’s kids not throwing toasters in filled-up bathtubs, some of them used the fact that they’re Norv Turner’s kids to pick up ladies. I’m not making this up.

Now, true, this was during the Norvster’s glorious Raider era (sponsored by Stridex). And true, Raider ladies may always not be looking for Brad Pitt, or a non-criminal, or even a live body, but come on.

Bottom line: It’s going to take a Andrea Yates-type episode for the Chargers to contend this year, even without a Marchibroda Line ™ Inductee on the sidelines.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Another reason the Eagles aren’t going anywhere: Donovan McNabb still blows chunks, and despite watching no preseason games, I feel confident in saying they still have no running game.

And with that, me and Bim Bim are tapping the keg and getting sauced.

Worst cleanup hitter in the league

More than 40,000 Angels fans enjoyed some free Hooters wings, thanks to the "worst cleanup hitter in the league," according to some ESPN jerk. Who, surprisingly, wasn't Bill Simpson. Obviously Garret Anderson was reading Keri's slam-job and responded the way he normally does. Picking on Anderson, at this stage of his career, is rather easy. Though some Angels fans have been doing it for years, even when he hit 35 home runs in a season. There was a time when Anderson might have been the most feared hitter in the Angels lineup, and those days may be over, but it's good to see the old dog still getting busy once in a while.

Enjoying these types of games is what makes being a baseball fan worthwhile, even if it is against one of the bottom-feeding, non-playoff contenders. Not sure this is evidence that the Angels have enough bats to win the whole thing. But that's for another day as the wings are still hot, the Hooters girls have caked on too much makeup, and the beer is plenty cold.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Let's be fair to Rex Grossman

Rex Grossman was horrible on Monday night, coughing up two fumbles and threw an interception. Fans, and not just Bears fans mind you, along with alleged sports pundits are piling on the guy to suggest a quarterback change. But nobody would ever consider making a change at quarterback if Rex's last name was Manning.

As bad as Rex was on Monday night, Eli Messiah played a very similar game on Sunday, as he lost two fumbles against Raven. Grossman and Messiah both completed a high-percentage of passes, Eli tossed a touchdown, while Rex ran one in. But nobody (other than THN) is advocating a quarterback change in New York.

And Rex has played in the Super Bowl.


Not really a fan of either quarterback, but if you are going to give the Messiah a chance, then Rex really needs to be afforded the same opportunity.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Panthers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Carolina Panthers

The Panthers are easily the biggest letdown in the NFL. And that’s just the cheerleaders. Think about it these two were supposedly having a lesbian encounter in the bathroom and they were going to share their story in Penthouse. But what happened? Turns out one of them was puking in the stall, they punched a fatty and they didn’t even get a Lifetime movie.

And that’s pretty much how the Panthers have fared in the past couple of years. The team always has tons of promise at the beginning of the season, but like that fabled lesbian encounter, it never reaches expectations.

But maybe that will help them this year, having the ability to fly under the radar again like they did in 2003, now that America has fallen in love with the New Orleans Saints.

Ah, no. That’s just not going to happen. The only wide ranging fantasy that has Carolina winning the Super Bowl would start off with a letter like this…

“Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me. After years and years of chronicling underachieving, either through poor coaching, or knocking up a stewardess on a team charter flight, we finally won the Super Bowl.

Sincerely,
Johnny in Carolina”

In other words, don’t count on it.

The Post Mortem

The funny thing about preseason football is that the first week is so exciting because, well, it’s just great to have football back. But then the second week hits and you realize that you have to put up with another month of this (expletive)—a bunch of games that nobody cares about except for the truly degenerate gambler.

And don’t misinterpret this, preseason football is necessary to see how all of those kids react in actual game situations, it’s just that it is so hard for the fans to care about it. Unless you have already done your fantasy football draft, then you cringe when your star running back (Travis Henry) goes down.

In short, the preseason just sucks from the second week to the games finally count.

And you have to believe that is the way that Tim Couch kind of feels. Sure it felt nice to have the Jaguars give you a call to compete for a quarterback spot. But at the end of the day, he probably just doesn't care about playing football anymore as long as he still has that Cleveland bonus money and a wife that was felt up by both Cade McNown and Bob Barker, life is pretty good without the headache of actually having to play football.

ELI ENDS A CAREER
Receiver Mike Jennings had an outside shot of making the Giants roster. Eli Messiah made sure that he had no chance at all. The Messiah threw a pass that was awkwardly out of reach to Jennings who reached out and snared the wobbling duck—and snapped his Achilles tendon. Not only ending his season, but likely his career.

Somewhere, Eli probably wishes who could trade places with Jennings right now. That would be the easy way out, just like Cooper took.

The Messiah had a pretty decent night against Raven’s vanilla defense, completing 10-of-13 passes for 114 yards and a touchdown to Steve Smith. Of course, nobody will talk about the two fumbles that he lost, and the third he would have coughed up, if not for a gratuitous penalty call.

Other preseason thoughts:

  • The Kurt Warner machine is ready to go. Warner looked good against the Los Angeles Dons, err, Houston Texans, completing 7-of-9 passes. But Matt Leinart was perfect, going 7-for-7. You have to admit, the Cardinals are an awesome preseason force.
  • Brady Quinn looked pretty good. But that’s expected seeing that most preseason schemes are the same as the basic package that Stanford (or any other Notre Dame patsy runs). Still, Quinn is going to be your starter, why delay the inevitable? His debut on the field was a rare moment of excitement in what has to be the most boring preseason in NFL history. No really, how many 13-10, 13-12 games are we supposed to endure? Please pray that the NFL regular season will be a little bit more entertaining.
  • Holy Lord, Brett, it’s only preseason brother. But damn Green Bay beat the hell out of Seattle. Even Aaron Rogers looked serviceable. If Favre can do this in the regular season, he's going to put that interception record out of reach.
  • Somebody posed the question, is any victory, even a preseason victory, a good one over the St. Louis football team? That answer is no, because Georgia Frontandrearie still made money out of the deal.
  • Remember when the Raiders wanted us to believe that Alvis Whitted was an NFL-caliber receiver? His game-blowing drop in the closing seconds of a loss at San Francisco did assure him of a spot with the Raiders, though.
  • Anybody else remember when coaches didn’t blitz during the preseason? Bill Belichick blitzed the hell out of Vince Young, and Wade Phillips wanted to ruin the fantasy season for somebody by blitzing the Broncos all night.
  • What can anybody say about Johan Santana’s 17-strikeout performance on Sunday? Other than George—whether he is suffering from dementia or not—is going to have to really did deep to get him out of Minnesota next year. And Dr. Ross is going to see if he can perform CPR on himself.
  • How is it that a split in Fenway Park feels as good as a sweep? But now you get kind of spoiled and imagine what would have happened if Jered Weaver hadn’t completely imploded on Saturday. Still would feel more comfortable with a bat, but this team can compete with the AL East teams. But too many small ball failures in October are nagging.
  • Reading gets its first win of the season, and is looking in pretty good shape after opening the year with its two hardest games on the road.


AND FINALLY
Former Boise State quarterback Jared Zabransky made his NFL debut on Saturday for the Houston Texans, in all places but University of Phoenix Stadium. The site of the Broncos improbable comeback over Oklahoma just a few months earlier.

But do you think Gary Kubiak could have thrown us viewers a bone during this preseason blowout by having Zabransky run a “Hook and Ladder” or a “Statue of Liberty?”

Nope.

That would have been the talk of the preseason and might have even garnered a little interest, but nope. Zabransky played it straight and if anybody was still watching, they would have been enraged.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bears

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Chicago Bears

That picture seems abundantly appropriate considering the Bears prospects, though there was an awful lot of consideration given to this photo.

The Bears are a slam-dunk here, considering the lack of success that Super Bowl runners up have had in recent years. Sure, Seattle won the NFC West last year, but the Seahawks should have won the Super Bowl, while the fraudulent champion given Super Bowl 40, the Steelers, choked like the losers they are.

The Bears are in a world of hurt this season, and it goes far beyond quarterback Rex Grossman. Or the drunk backing him up. The Bears are bent out of shape over the current LaDainian Tomlinson commercial, where the record-breaking back makes short work of a bunch of actors in Bears kits. Brian Urlacher was especially irked, as reported here in the Chicago Tribune.

"How did we do the last time we played them?" Urlacher said. "How did he do that game? Look at the stats and see how he did."

Urlacher has a point. Tomlinson had 16 rushes for 61 yards and a touchdown in the Bears' 20-7 victory over the Chargers on Nov. 2, 2003.


Yeah, if you are looking to a freaking commercial for motivation, you have bigger problems. Like trading away your best running back (Thomas Jones) for a guy who has been a chronic under achiever (Ced Benson). Much like the Mike Ditka era, where this team pissed away talent like it was a 12-pack of Ye Olde Style, the Bears are destined for another loosing season.

But damn, you still have JLH.

The Mid Week Malaise

Little late this week, fo' sure. As a result, it'll be even less funny:

Daunte Culpepper
Not only is his career a shadow of what it was once was, his coach has mono. Read between the lines: Lane Kiffin pulls more tail than Daunte Culpepper. Damn, whitey. Ain't no fun if yo' homies can't have none.

Team USA Basketball
Bosh out with an injury. Hinrich withdraws. Pretty soon you're gonna see Scoonie Penn and Todd MacCulloch on this f'n team.

Milwaukee Brewers
Remember when people thought they had a real shot to be this year's Tigers? Ha. Bunch of drunks.

Baseball
I'd kill every first cousin in my family right now if LSU and Mississippi State would just kick off.

Tim Donaghy
Twenty-five in the clink, potentially. I hear they take about as kindly in there to child molestors as guys that could have lost some of the other inmates thousands. I hope he has Sublime on his I-Pod. I won't take it any further than that.

This Summer as a Whole
Is it just me, or is Barry Bonds now a hero in the midst of all this other crap?

Jose Offerman
The key to retention of relevance in our society is going batshit crazy (see: Nolte, Nick). Offerman seems to grasp that. Now, if he'd only put down the bat for a second.

David Price
Nice contract from the D-Rays! You just lost all happiness from the formative years of your life.

Philadelphia Phillies
It's halfway to September. You think Manuel holds a meeting and says, "Alright, boys. We gotta
screw this to the wall in a brand new way this season. I want drama, huge flops..." and then Russell Branyan pipes up from the corner, "Maybe something with guns and midget porn?"

Everyone not named USC in college football
Have you looked at this roster? Booty, Sanchez, Mustain? Any pro coach in Florida would give their left testicle (and likely their right, come to think of it, since is the left alone really that effective?) to Pete Carroll for that trio.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Lions

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Detroit Lions

The Lions are annually one of those trendy sleeper picks that people like to make. (Like the Cardinals.) And each year, they end up disappointing everybody. (Like the Cardinals.)

Quarterback Jon Kitna even got into the act, predicting that this team could win 10 games. (Yes, Mike Furrey said, 12 but stick with us here.) Kitna needs to realize that this kind of thinking is going to get him killed. Or at least his mother beat up.

Former Lions quarterback Joey Harrington told the Detroit Free Press that Lions fans left death threats on his voicemail and even threatening to beat up his mother.

"I got that very, very rarely to my face. I got a lot of people who would leave notes. I got a couple of death threats on my voicemail. It got to the point where I had to take my family out of the stands because people were trying to start fights with my mom.”


Even Raiders fans think you have gone too far with this. The Lions haven’t had a quality quarterback since Bobby Layne retired. Do you think the fans were threatening Eric Hipple’s mother? Where are these expectations coming from. The Lions have been losing for so long, you figure they’d be used to it by now. Or so you would think.

But before any Lions fans has any delusions of grandeur, or try to take on Kitna’s mom, let’s all remember that Mike Martz is the offensive coordinator for this team. You know, the guy who took the most talented cast in the NFL and made them chronic underachievers. Fans can be tough on Lions quarterbacks (well, through voice mail, at least), but they have nothing on the damage that Martz will put them through. Those nine receiver sets come with consequences that usually doom the careers of quarterbacks under center.

Kurt Warner would probably be headed for the Pro Football Hall of Fame if Martz had designed one play where somebody helped with a block. Between the fans or Martz, this can’t end well for Kitna.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Dolphins

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Miami Dolphins

You have to get the Dolphins credit, when something doesn’t work, they don’t make the same mistake again. The Dolphins hired a successful college football coach to take over the program to disastrous results. Nick Saban did not want to be an NFL coach and that was apparent to everybody, except for those suckers who believed him last year when he said that he had no interest in the Alabama job.

So the Dolphins didn’t go out and get another successful college coach—they got a horrible college coach to take his job. Cam Cameron was a miserable coach at the Indiana University, where he compiled an 18-37 record.

And unlike the situation at LSU, Saban did not leave the cupboard loaded so a mediocre coach could come in and win immediately. Cameron was successful as a coordinator in San Diego, but who wouldn’t be with LaDainian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates. (Well, other than Norv Turner.)

Trent Green has been a solid starter through his career, but he’s being outclassed by Cleo Lemon right now. Don't worry, nobody else (not even the broad in the picture) has heard of him, either. Ronnie Brown had a horrible sophomore season. The lone bright spot is receiver Derek Hagan, but who is going to get him the ball.

No, the Dolphins will be so miserable this year, it will likely be the team’s front office planting rumors that Cameron is leaving to go back to the college ranks. The only problem is, nobody would want him.

Holy Cow, Yanks have reason to win now

From Paul O'Neil's dad, to the World Trade Center, to Joe Torre's colon, the Yankees have always found something to rally around.

Hell, these guys were thinking of ways to pay tribute to the Utah miners trapped under the Earth.

But now that they went ahead and offed Phil Rizzuto, baseball fans are going to have to endure a bunch of glowing tributes to their departed broadcaster. Well, at least until the Angels go ahead and eliminate them from the playoffs.

Again.

Not that Seattle is giving up. The Mariners gained a 1/2 game last night, thanks to Richie Sexson's game-winning home run. But one thing Mariners. Now, my team has a Rally Monkey, but having the Mariner Mooose on the field waving a flag is gay.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: 49ers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The San Francisco 49ers


How come sports teams can't be properly motivated unless somebody from the organization has died? Like players are hanging around the locker room or club house, listless, until they hear the news that some former coach, who they didn't play for, has died. Now they go out and dedicate the season to him and everybody has a feel-good story they can relentlessly beat into the ground.

Except of course for the family of the coach who has passed away. A 49ers preseason victory won't do much for a coach who, you know, won a couple of Super Bowls. And not that it motivated the 49ers much, either, on Monday night. The 49ers christened the new Bill Walsh Field by doing something the old coach never really did, and that's lose.

Again, you don't want to get too worked up about preseason because the 49ers did score on their first two opening possessions, but still, how about a little more effort, eh? And then it kind of hits you. How much does Mike Nolan really care about the legacy of Bill Walsh? Not that Nolan would say anything about it in public, but it probably cheeses him off a little bit, with all of the attention Walsh gets.

Nolan's dad, Dick, also was a coach for the 49ers, though not quite as successful, hovering around the .500 mark. Part of the reason Walsh eventually got the job in San Francisco was because Dick couldn't get the 49ers to the Super Bowl, so there still has to be a little family resentment. Even quarterback Alex Smith bought into this a little bit. When talking about the great 49ers quarterback tradition that includes Joe Montana and the Mormon guy, he also mentioned John Brodie -- his dad's quarterback. (He also could have mentioned one of Dick's other quarterbacks, Steve Spurrier.)

So it seems like there might be a little rift in the 49ers house, where Walsh was the good son, winning Super Bowl titles and looking dapper in a sweater, while Dick was the near do well in the bad suits.

So don't look for any of that Bill Walsh magic to come back and help the 49ers this year.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Post Mortem

Norv Turner proved that he still had the magic touch on Sunday, as the Chargers gagged another lead to lose to Seattle, 24-16. Not that preseason games matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s good to know that Turner also hasn’t lost his touch.

LaDainian Tomlinson missed the game, too, giving Chargers fans a glimpse of what it will be like when Turner goes on to ignore his best player on the field. Turner often overlooked Steven Davis as coach of the Redskins, giving him few carries one week, then following with a knee-jerk reaction the next, giving him 40 carries. Turner also did something that most defensive backs had trouble doing for years, when he made Randy Moss an irrelevant player.

Welcome back, Norv. This will obviously be a long season in San Diego. But hey, the new uniforms looked cool.

DALY FOLDS
John Daly, predictably, didn’t hang around for the PGA Championship, fading again into oblivion. But the loss of Daly helped usher in the emergence of Woody Austin. The relatively unknown Austin provided some great copy on Saturday, noting that when Tiger Woods bangs his club on the ground, that is just his competitiveness. When anybody else does, they are a loose cannon.

Absolutely true.

Hopefully Austin’s foray into the top of the tournament, and if there are any golf heads out there familiar with Austin please accept our apologies, but hopefully Austin can hang around for a while. Competitive or loose cannon, the dude is just entertaining. And he didn't back down from the challenge, actually shooting a better round on Sunday than Woods, but he had just too much ground to cover.

  • Kurt Warner was awesome for the Birds on Saturday night, though playing against the Raiders can make anybody look good. Mark it down, Warner will end up playing a big role for the Cardinals this year. The dude can still bring it.
  • Stolen joke of the week from Tommy Tuck Rule: Vince Young was suspended for violating team rules, and had to sit out Saturday’s game against Washington. The reason? Young wrote another letter to his teammates, but it had so many spelling mistakes, Jeff Fisher had no choice but to suspended him. Although that joke seemed funnier while sucking down Heinekens at the San Clemente street fair.
  • Congratulations to THN’s Reading Royals who went on the road and managed a tie with Manchester United, despite being down a man. Too bad they couldn’t take out Wayne Rooney, who had to leave the game.
  • Hard to argue with the success the Angels have had the past week, taking five of six from the Red Sox and Dr. Ross’ Twins. Who knew that Maicer Izturis was power hitter that the Angels were seeking.
  • The Twins were wearing a sticker of the fallen highway on their batting helmets this weekend. Really? How many people died in that thing? Ten? Californians shoot more people than that on the freeway everyday.
  • Yep, the Yankees are going to win the AL East.
  • Congratulations to Eric Boo-urns for getting his contract from the Arizona Diamondbacks. The D-Backs look like the best team in the NL right now (yeah, some revelation), but could they do like the Angels and win a World Series in the first year they switch to red uniforms?
  • Pacman Jones was booed during his stint in TNA on Sunday night, his apperance agreed upon by the Titans and the wrestling organization. Jones was left in a heap after being “beaten” by one of the wrestlers. If TNA really wanted to go the extra mile, they’d pay the extra money and have Mike Vick be the culprit.


AND FINALLY
From Lil’ Hater. There is nothing more annoying that those stupid bumpers during an NFL game, showing the local food in the region. I get it, they make tortillas in San Diego. Hey, did you know they eat sushi in San Francisco? They eat steak in Chicago? Barbeque in Kansas City? This is so insanely stupid, although not as stupid as the people who bring food to John Madden. Great, now he’s getting cheese all over the microphone while he is mispronouncing people’s names. Who was the freaking genius who thought it was a good idea to do this? And what the (expletive) are they going to do when they show a game from China? Take us through the local kennel?

Jerks.

Friday, August 10, 2007

The Weak Ender

Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba herpes. That totally has to be true because it’s on the internets. Seriously, there would be a link to the site if there was any credibility. And this is coming from a professed Yankees hater who looks for any reason to bash the Bronx Bummers.

But here’s a hint for you people out there who like to make up rumors—try to get the names correct. Jeter has been linked romantically to Jessica Biel, not Jessica Alba, you morons. Maybe you want to do a little bit more research, not only on your subject, but the proper way to be a Hater.

GO JOHN GO
In honor of John Daly’s quest to win the PGA Championship, THN will be drinking mass quantities of beer and getting as little exercise as possible to commemorate the event. Seriously, if you could pick one person in the world to have in your foursome, it would be John Daly, right?

And when a huge fat guy has the chance to possibly take down the best player in the world, well you just have to root for him. Unless he is David Wells. For some reason, Wells doesn’t carry the same appeal the Daly has. Maybe because deep down, if you were ever at a black jack table and needed to borrow a few bucks, Daly might not loan you any money, but he would at least give you a dollar to tip the waitress. Or maybe it's because Wells was once a Yankee who gave Jessica Alba herpes.

  • Speaking of lovable losers, is there anybody rooting against Rick Ankiel? His return has been amazing, but the only downside is that Scott Spiezio is going to rehab. Sorry for all those free beers you were given at The Catch, Sand Frog.
  • Bad news for Tampa Bay’s Mike Alstott who will likely be retiring after being put on the injury reserve list. Those ESPN Fantasy Hall of Fame commercials might have jinxed both him and Warrick Dunn. Seriously people, stay away from ESPN.
  • How is it, people say that wrestling is a joke and is fake, yet they don’t want Pacman Jones to participate because he might get hurt? Hell, Saints players are getting injured at water parks, so having a player go into professional wrestling shouldn’t be too much of a concern. Because it’s fake, right? Looks like the Titans are searching for a way to let Jones out of his contract. Which should be good news for Raiders fans who will likely snap him up. Or, more likely, the Broncos who have taken a liking to character issue guys in recent years.
  • Hey, the Bengals are in mid-season form, blowing huge leads in the preseason. Wow, that was almost painful to watch.
  • Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt took his Cardinals players to see the Bourne Ultimatum instead of practicing. That can’t be worse than anything Dennis Green did to them over the past couple of years.


THE LINKS
Conrad Bain is back. In a big way.

Kohl's plays better music than your neighborhood bar. Who wants socks?

Zach LS won't link to THN anymore.
Chris Rix is in love with Flash Warner.

Did Fletch watch this movie with the Cardinals? Was there a Simpsons Movie review that was missed?

AND FINALLY
Wanted to give a belated shout-out to the late great Hal Fishman, the longtime anchor on Channel 5. The dude always looked super annoyed when the Angels game would run too long back in the day, cutting into his newscast. Fishman was the first dude to run video of the Rodney King beating. And for those you out of Southern California, Fishman was the basis for the Kent Brockman character on The Simpsons.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Steelers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers are one of those old-school teams that seem to do things the right way. The Steelers, much like the blue-collar workers that root for the team, are nothing more than a bunch of no-nonsense guys who just want to play football. Hell, they don't even have cheerleaders.

Though, if you have ever seen Pittsburgh broads, that might make sense to you.

But the Steelers have finally jumped off the deep end by introducing a new mascot, get this, Steely McBeam. No seriously, that's the name of the new mascot. Steely looks like some sort of knock-off Simpsons' character or something. There is nothing that will anger the Football Gods more than a lame mascot, especially for a team rich in history like the Steelers. Hope you enjoyed your run, guys.

Michael Strahan

I'm giving you THN fans a two-for today, because I'm trying desperately to get out of my contract here. I know, shouldn't I know better? Well, I don't think I have any worry about this blog ever becoming something, so it seems safe.

Now, could somebody please explain to me what Michael Strahan is famous for, other than being the long lost son of Ester Rolle? Sure, he has that bogus single-season sack record, but what else has he done? I'm struggling to figure out why so much print and air-time is devoted to Strahan's possible retirement. Like he is some kind of Hall of Famer or something. I was cracking a beer with Lamar Lundy just a couple of weeks ago, and he said that Strahan didn't have the skills to be a tackling dummy for the Fearsome Foursome.

Strahan also fancies himself as having a television career following his playing days. Like a lisping version of Tiki Barber or something. The best he could hope for is that some producer remakes the Match Game, because the show would need another Charles Nelson Riley.

So I give him a thumbs up and support for his hold out. You go, girl!

JaMarcus Russell

Greetings, it's your old pal McLean Stevenson here, the king of career choices and being the king allows me to make fun of other people who are making bigger mistakes than I ever did. This is the part where I would link back to my own personal blog, but I don't update it because I have a life. Just kidding. It's because I'm dead, people. I only make rare appearances here because the traffic from heaven is, frankly, hell. (Thankfully, Hal Fishman has offered to give me a ride back to heaven today on his plane, so I'm all good there.)

Anyway, let's move on to JaMarcus Russell. His career already started behind the eight-ball because he was drafted by the Raiders, meaning he will receive no coaching. Lane Kiffin took a program that was unbeatable a few years ago and then lost to Texas in the Rose Bowl and lost to UCLA last season, preventing another national championship. That is why I am applauding this move. Most of the time, you don't want a quarterback to miss any training camp because they have to learn the playbook and get up to speed. The less time Russell spends in Raiders camp, the better off he will be.

The best possible solution here is that Russell misses all of training camp and sits on the bench for the entire season. Then he goes out and struggles during his second year, prompting the Raiders to cut him. Russell can then move on to another team where he will receive some actual instruction and the opportunity to be a real NFL quarterback. No, this is a very coy move by Russell and one that I enthusiastically give a thumbs up.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, fochers. Ted back again, to sprinkle your mid-week happiness with some non-humorous reflections on the sports world:

Hank Aaron
Is it just me, or did his video message at AT&T Park have the odd quality of a terrorist film?

Hank Aaron Part II
A cheater passed me once - fourth grade 'Math Rally.' I beat him brutally about the face and neck behind school after science.

David Wells
The whole thing with fat people is, they're supposed to be happy and carefree (see Claus, Santa)- that's why they get fat, because gluttony and massive alcohol consumption is just a thing you do in the name of being the fun guy. This guy is surly and now he's unwanted.

Cleveland Browns
Before you guys opened your wallet, did you check out the VHS tapes of Quinn vs. Michigan, Quinn vs. LSU, Quinn vs. Ohio State, Quinn vs. USC, and the compilation DVD "Quinn in college in any game of even vague substance?" Was that really worth 30 million dollars considering your entire city is a synonym for urban plight?

Celtics
If they lure Reggie Miller out of retirement, in two years their on-flight viewing for team trips will be Annie Hall and The Deer Hunter - some of the first R-Rated movies the boys were going to back in the day.

Staal Brothers
I guess the positive news for Bettman is, this is the worst behavior coming out of his league, paling in comparison to the other pro sports. The bad news is when the news breaks of Eric Staal's 'Naughty Dolphin'-ing of one of the strippers.

Brett Favre
Another year of this godforsaken sh*t? I hope he crawls on the field like a pathetic, lost little dog again. That was pleasant to watch.

Larry Johnson
I really don't want him to be the guy that makes Priest Holmes relevant again. The Price is Right, for example, could have made Ian Ziering notable again. But it didn't. It knew better. I hope the Chiefs understand the powerful lesson here.

China
One year till the Olympics. In China. F*ck. This isn't going to go well, is it?

Teams in the Midwest
Cardinals - fork was stuck in them during the making of The Holiday, it seems. Brewers - falling apart faster than the SF Giants' national relevance. Cubs - lost Soriano, probably because he wasn't on enough roids. Tigers - look like the sociocultural equivalent of Scott Baio's career circa 1994 right now. Meanwhile, how 'bout them Angels (yea Adam!) and Mariners? If I got to choose a coast, I got to choose the west. I live out there, so don't go there. Crap. I messed that up.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Jaguars


Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Jacksonville Jaguars

Typically we run a fan photo here, but gee, do the Jaguars really have any? Seriously, it seems that most Jaguars fans use the games as a way to kill time between the “World’s Biggest Cocktail” party (Florida vs. Georgia). Yes, Jacksonville has a NFL team, but not Los Angeles. Or Anaheim.

Or Oakland.

But we figure there is one Jaguars fan out there, Heather Kozar-Couch. Yeah, it surprised us, too. Last we heard for Ms. Kozar, she had allegedly run off with Cade McNown, who pursued her like he pursued handicap parking spaces at UCLA. What might be more surprising is that the reason Ms. Kozar is a fan is because her husband, Tim Couch has been signed by the Jaguars.

You knew the Jaguars weren’t satisfied with quarterbacks Byron Leftwich or David Garrard, but Couch? Normally a backup quarterback wouldn’t be big news, but with the Jaguars and the world's two most un-athletic black quarterbacks, Couch could see some playing time.

The Jaguars did hire Dirk Koetter to run the offense. Koetter had a lot of success at Boise State, but was a miserable failure during his tenure at Arizona State. That’s good news for Jags fans because that means that he’s more comfortable working with inferior talent. And Jacksonville has loads of it. Don’t let the 12-4 record two years ago fool you, this team beats up on the weak sisters of the AFC South, but don’t expect much this season.

And if there is any optimism left in Jacksonville, then they should be reminded that Mike Tice is still on the coaching staff, a proverbial kiss of death to any NFL team.

Monday, August 06, 2007

THN Football Talk

THN has longed envied the many rumor sites out there on the Internets because making (expletive) up and regurgitating the NFL Network ticker seems a whole lot easier than trying to write material each and every day.

So with that in mind, THN would like to delve into the rumor business because, really, if of these rumors actually come true, then that will put THN ahead of everybody else.

So bash it here for the Gossip Grinder.

Posted 11:58 PST, August 6, 2007
Bill Cowher will coach the San Diego Chargers next season after Norv Turner flames out following a 2-14 season...

Posted 10:58 PST, August 6, 2007
Michael Irvin is soon going to have his own show on the Food Network. There are no sources to back this claim and there are absolutely no facts to back this claim. But think about this. The Food Network specializes in food. Michael Irvin has once eaten food. That’s not a big leap to make, thinking that Irvin will end up with his own Food Network show...

Posted 9:58 PST, August 6, 2007
League chatter insists that Bill Cowher will coach New England next year after Bill Belichick resigns. You heard it hear first...

Posted 8:58 PST, August 6, 2007
A family wearing Chargers gear will show up to Oakland Coliseum and not be harassed by Raiders fans. A spokesman for the team will note that the Raiders do not want to foster the thug image of their fans...

Do our post look more authoritative when posted in red?
Bill Cowher will coach the Washington Redskins next season...

Posted 7:58 PST, August 6, 2007
Norv Turner is inching closer to doing a signing an endorsement deal with Noxema a source tells us. Meanwhile, A major American corporation is interested in doing a football ad not featuring Peyton Manning or Reggie Bush...

Seriously, this red is annoying huh?
Bill Cowher will coach the Buffalo Bills nex season...

Posted 7:57 PST, August 6, 2007
Matt Leinart evidentially hung out at his house on Saturday, watching movies, hanging out not hitting the night life in Los Angeles...

Posted 7:56 PST, August 6, 2007
Bill Cowher will coach Mater Dei high school next year...

Posted 7:56.41 PST, August 6, 2007
A current NFL player will go to a birthday party one weekend and refuse to drink any alcohol because he is driving...

Posted 7:56.39 PST, August 6, 2007
Bill Cowher will coach the Los Angeles Avengers next season as the NFL will eventually absorb the Arena Football League. In fact, NFL overtime games will be decided AFL style, but only after John Elway punches David Baker in the face...

Posted 7:55 PST, August 6, 2007
Carson Palmer seems to be the only player in Cincinatti not involved with the police, but our sources say he's actually a high-ranking member of the Cincy mob...

Posted 7:11 PST, August 6, 2007
Bill Cowher will coach Atlanta next season after Bobby Petrino is implicated in a cock-fighting ring...

Posted Kwik-E-Mart PST, August 6, 2007
Marshawn Lynch is actually happy to be in Buffalo and isn't eyeing his free agent date at all. He loves it, really...

Posted 7:00 PST, August 6, 2007
Bill Cowher will coach the Steelers next season...

Posted 6:58 PST, August 6, 2007
There is one blogger somewhere who actually believes that Jeff Garcia is straight...

(Any similarities to existing sites is purely coincidental.)

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Saints

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

New Orleans Saints

The Saints were the feel good story of 2006, allowing American to support New Orleans by rooting for the Saints instead of donating time and effort to actually, you know, rebuild New Orleans . So America cheered for a Saints victory in the playoffs and leered at the (Expletive) the Eagles Girl, so it was a win-win for everybody.

But bad news for the Saints and New Orleans: nobody cares about you anymore. Now that a bridge has collapse in Minnesota, nobody is pulling for the Saints anymore. America has room for only one tragedy at a time. (Although, bless the Yankees hearts for continuing to "Wave the Bloody Shirt" that is 9/11. Good God, Yankees, that was six years. Even the Los Angeles Kings who actually lost members of their organization that day have given it up.)

Expecty the Saints to regain their rightful place in the NFL this season. The team can't be that bad, considering they play in the same division as Joey Harrington, but don't look for the playoffs.

Drew Brees will show people why they were so quick to get rid of him in San Diego . The NFL will catch up to Sean Payton's schemes this year, and they will be on him. You don't want to put too much stock in an exhibition game, especially the Hall of Fame Game when the Steelers were going out of their way to make Mike Tomlin's debut a success, but expect to see similar results during the season. More blitzing will make Brees' noodle arm a liability this year.

The big key for the Saints will be the defense, which was merely average last year. New Orleans addressed the defense by drafting receiver Robert Meacham in the first round of this year's draft. They also signed Brian Simmons to a free-agent contract, and he has responded by being unable to unseat Mark Simoneau to be the starting middle linebacker.

Sorry Saints, you were fun for a season, but it's time to move on. Don't worry, this will make it easier for you to skip town to Los Angeles in a few years.

The Post Mortem

Milestone weekend was upon us, Alex Rodriguez hit number 500, Tom Glavine notched 300, THN posted number 1,004, and Maria Sharapova did, well, does it matter?

But obviously the big story this weekend was the return of the NFL, a positive sign to football fans and degenerate gamblers everywhere. And whether you like him or not, Michael Irvin delivered one of the most memorable induction speeches in quite some time. For somebody known as The Playmaker, he certainly delivered when he needed it the most.

But there was something else that happened this week, oh yeah, the Diamondbacks swept the Dodgers.

WE CAN ALMOST IGNORE BARRY AGAIN
Reputed drug abuser and all-around bad guy Barry Bonds tied the record, disappointingly in front of a cheering San Diego crowd, and our long national nightmare is close to being over. There is no reason to cheer for Bonds. And it’s not because of the whole steroid deal. That might be one of the overplayed stories of this era. The question isn’t whether Bonds used steroids, because he admitted to a grand jury that he did. The question isn’t if steroids were banned during the 1990s or not. Because steroids are illegal without a prescription. But baseball having a rule about steroids would be akin to baseball having a rule unleashing a white bengal tiger loose on the field, because harboring an endangered species is illegal unless you are working a show at the Mirage. And yes, the hatred of Bonds goes beyond him be wife-beating prick. Because, seriously, if that women sitting in the front row of PetCo Park is willing to take a leap off a few flight of stairs or few lashes with a coat hanger, so be it.

The real problem with Bonds, as pointed out by The Hatriot years ago, is that piece of armor that he wears on his arm. That alleged protective device looks like he sliced a metal trash can in half and put it on his arm. That, probably more than the steroids he admitted to taking, gives him a bigger competitive advantage more than anything.

Well, that and the umpires seemingly refuse to ever call a strike on Bonds.

Lord knows that if Don Drysdale ever saw that catcher’s gear on Barry’s arm, he would have aimed right at the dangling cross hanging from Barry’s ear and probably left him feeding out of a tube like he was baseball's version of Terry Schiavo. If Bud Selig should ever be blamed for something, that would be allowing Bonds to get away with wearing a mattress on his arm.

  • What were the odds that Bonds would hit his record-tying home run off a known steroid user. Well, pretty good seeing that most of baseball was juicing. But did you see that Bonds sent an autographed bat to Hensley? If Bonds had tied the Major League record against Drysdale and sent him a bat, Barry would like be wearing it today out of a major orifice with a red balloon tied to the end.
  • Things we’d like to see: Bonds beaned in the head. And after he was lifted unconscious into the ambulance, the pitcher who hit him takes off in the vehicle like a bad WWF storyline.
  • Milton Bradley has accused the Oakland A’s of being racist. Seriously, this stuff would be more meaningful coming from guys who haven’t played for dozens of organizations. But they, the A's do wear white shoes.
  • The Angels dropped two in Oakland over the weekend, and face the reality of being swept by Boston. There are some that believe the Angels have enough hitting to get it done, but those dreams will be dashed soon enough. The Angels rank fifth in the American League in scoring runs. But keep in mind the Angels are third in the Major Leagues with a .284 average, yet have scored 100 fewer runs than the Yankees who have baseball’s highest average. The Angels would be in serious trouble of losing the division, if Seattle wasn’t as inept at scoring runs. Although it seems strange to complain about the Angels when just competing for the division was a dream during the last 1990s.
  • Angel Stadium is infested with rats. Authorities say the problem stems from all of the sunflower seeds behind Section T222 and Steve Bisheff’s toupee.
  • How does Kurt Busch race for Miller Lite?
  • Elton Brand will miss have the season with injury he sustained while working out. Figures. The guy couldn’t even make it to Team USA before ruining his career. You have to wonder if this kind of stuff would still have happened if Kobe had signed with the team a few years back.
  • How bad were the Saints on Sunday night? They had the same energy you would expect to see in your typical NBA playoff game. Meaning, they had none.
  • How big of a star should you be before you slap hands with one of the Hall of Famers introduced prior to the HOF Game? Because seriously Charlie Batch, do you think Irvin even knows your name?
  • Jake Gyllenhaal is expected to be cast as Joe Namath in the Broadway Joe story. Expect Heath Ledger to play Suzy Kolber.
  • An exotic dancer revived a patron who had suffered a heart attack during a performance. Strippers, are there nothing they can’t do? Well, besides finally graduating from junior college and gaining their father's love?

AND FINALLY
The battle for best theme park is over, and the winner is Sea World. Now, the allure of Sea World probably similar to that of NASCAR in that the shows are entertaining, but deep down the whole crowd is rooting for Shamu to go, you know, killer whale on somebody. And after listening to the sanctimonious b.s. speech from the head trainer, he immediately becomes the ideal target.

But Sea World rules for one reason—free beer. Even though they are Budweiser products. Be honest, the Anaheuser Busch products blow, but if they are going to offer you free swill, odds are you are going to drink it.

Unless you are some sort of a jackass to turn down free beer just because it isn’t the brand that you drink.

So when you combine free beers, the threat of animal violence and the chance to spray anonymous strangers riding on the roaring rapids, well that’s just a winning combination right there.