Friday, June 29, 2007

The Weak Ender

A lot has been made this week of all of the professional wrestlers who have died before their 65th birthday. But in doing some research, there is an even more disturbing trend in the entertainment industry—Playboy Playmates dying too young.

Evidentially cosmetic surgery is far more dangerous than anabolic steroids.

Sure, we could do something to clean up the wrestling industry, but saving the Playmates should be our first priority. So please join THN in our new philanthropic venture, "Save Our Playmates."


Anybody else excited about the Lakers drafting of Jarvaris Crittenton? Seems like a solid pickup and the kind of tall point guard that Phil Jackson likes to use. Crittenton will probably take minutes away from Jordan Farmar, meaning his ears will be hidden on the bench.

But who is it that the Lakers picked up a guy that would probably have been a better fit for the Clippers? The LA JV team also passed on USC's Nick Young, too. You have to love the way the Clippers just don't seem to care about basketball, especially with an uninspired pick like Al Thornton. Seems like another in a long line of anonymous forwards the Clippers have picked. What a waste. Maybe the Clippers should just pass on the draft next year, at least it will be less painful.

Draft grades are so lame, but the Sonics drafted Kevin Durant and Jeff Green from Georgetown? Did David Stern set this up for a last minute push to keep the team in Seattle or stacking the deck for the team's move to Las Vegas? Because you can't waste Durant in Oklahoma City.

  • Crittenton won’t like change Kobe’s mind about being traded. But somebody should remind Kobe that when he was 19 years old, he was chucking air balls in a playoff loss at Salt Lake City. Instead of asking to get rid of Kobe, the Lakers veterans put their arm around the gifted player because they could see the potential. Too bad Kobe can't pay it forward with Andrew Bynum. Instead, he spouts off to a couple of dorks with a camera phone.
  • Does anybody have a hard time taking a sports league seriously when the commissioner comes eye-to-junk with most of the players?
  • Nothing is better than watching Danny Ainge and Kevin McHale become two of the worst NBA general managers in the league. Sorry for being na├»ve but Ray Allen is still in the league? Good lord, it seems like He Got Game came out 20 years ago.
  • Somebody please put an end to the trend of referring to centers and forwards as “bigs.” This trend became popular about four years ago, but now it’s just getting out of hand.
  • The Joakim Noah-era of the NBA is going to kick much, much ass. Everybody laughed at Noah wearing the bow-tie, but watch, it will become the biggest fashion trend within six months.

  • You don’t want to panic about a sweep to the lowly Royals because the Angels looked about as interested as a pack of husbands at a cotillion. A couple of weeks back, THN championed the cause of charging extra for Yankees, Red Sox and Dodgers games. But charging people money to watch the Angels play the Royals is almost criminal. At least they had some good giveaways for the fans that matched the players generous attitude in giving away three games to the Royals.
  • And who will you remember the Shea Hillenbrand era? Yeah, totally hard to believe that the Hillenbrand era ended badly. Sports By Brooks put together a good comprehensive list of Hildenbrand’s transgressions over the years. He was called the Terrell Owens of baseball, except that T.O. is actually good.

  • Tony Gonzalez is going to have a commitment ceremony in Huntington Beach this weekend with his long time girlfriend because, "He doesn't want to sign no stinking papers." Gonzo obviously doesn’t want to suffer a similar fate of Michael Strahan. But why would his girlfriend go along with this? Because she obviously understands community property laws in California.
  • Good news to fans of downtown Las Vegas: Binion’s has been sold to the owner of the 4 Queens. The owners of the 4 Queens pour millions in renovating the old lady recently, but if they just restored the 3-to-2 single-deck blackjack at Binion’s, that would be enough. (Maybe you can reduce the price of Miller High Life, too.)

Rumors and Rants also grows tired of the Sport's Dork man-crush on Kevin Durant. How many are rooting against Durant because of Simpson? It's just plain wrong.

Our Book of Scrap continues it's hottest wife contest. THN has long boycotted this thing following Angie Harmon's ouster.

Fletch should have its TGITDNMAR up at Blog Cabins by now. If not, quit slacking.

This is a great recap of the draft, over at Insomniac's Lounge.


Congratulations to Frank Thomas for hitting his 500th home run and then taking the rest of the afternoon off as he was tossed out of the game. Do you think Thomas went up to the umpire and was like, “Dude, Skip won’t give me the rest of the game off so can you toss me so I can go pound some beers?”

However, the best news in this whole thing was baseball fan Todd Eisenlohr who caught the 500 ball and gave it back to Thomas in exchange for an autographed jersey, bat and ball. Eisenlohr also refers to big men who play basketball as forwards and centers. What a great American.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Chris Benoit

Greetings, it's your old pal, McLean Stevenson here once again to judge career moves and this time I will take a look at Chris Benoit from the WWE. I often tell a lot of struggling actors that suicide is the best way to stardom. Believe me, there were times after M*A*S*H where I really wish I had gone down in a helicopter crash. So there is no faulting some steroid monkey for wanting to take his own life. The rub is that it's hard for a professional wrestlers death to really stick out. Those guys drop like flies each week. As a matter of fact, two professional wrestlers have died since I started putting this post together. Hell, I have a long standing rule that I won't get on a plane if there is a professional wrestler or child star on board because you are really tempting fate at that point.

With all of that said, I give Benoit a lot of credit for taking his own life and a bonus for taking the wife, too in an effort to stand out. But you can't be down with killing a child. That's just wrong. Even O.J. Simpson had the common sense to not kill his own kids. So I'm giving Benoit a thumbs down.

However, I give his wife a thumbs up because her career was in the dumper and this is the most anybody has ever talked about her in years. Well done, Missy.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Mid-Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and although you probably know and horrifically resent me by now, I still feel the need to tell you again that I normally write over here, but do some work for NFL Adam on Wednesdays.

Mid-Week Malaise is pretty simple: your life is an absolute joke, and nothing like you once envisioned it might become. But have hope: there are some people whose lives are worse. Like, uh, these people:

Chris Benoit and his family
Not to make light of a terrible situation (but we'll do it anyway!), but do you think he gave the Rabid Wolverine throat slash before he off'ed her?

Ozzie Guillen
Remember when his biggest problem was that his best friend (Ugueth Urbina) was a murderer?

Billy Knight
You just know this guy is going to absolutely screw this to the wall. When he wakes up Friday morning, half of the Dir-Tay will be fans of the Krunk. The other half will still be mastering the Bird on DDR.

Spencer Hawes
This guy declaring for the NBA Draft is akin to Partridge Family going on tour with Akon. It just doesn't fit, and meanwhile Joakim Noah is simulating sex with Adam Silver on the podium.

The Celtics
You know that kid you play pick-up with who misses 10 shots in a row, then when he hits the 11th, he screams out "ALL DAY!" and trots backward looking for high fives? That dude is the only guy Boston could sign right now.

Barry Bonds' son
He's on the DL as part of the March to the End of Society. It's alright, though - I hear a few needles in the posterior is always good for what ails ya.

Chad Knaus
Hendricks crew chief might have surpassed A-Rod as "Biggest Whiner in Sports," Pac-Man as "Biggest Idiot in Sports," and every major MLB power hitter from 1988 through 2004 as "Biggest Cheater in Sports" (I'm looking specifically at you, Brady Anderson).

Our lives are utterly meaningless, there are no good jobs, and we're all going to die of liver poisoning or nuclear holocaust within 18 months. To make matters worse, 40 year olds are getting all the attention. 7 of them towed the mound in MLB on Wednesday. And their drugs were probably more potent, too.

The Kandi Man
This time of year has to substantially painful for him, kind of like the time Amare put a ball on his dome and his junk right in his face. Come to think of it, Mikey mighta liked that...

Tony Parker
Next year at this time, when he wants to go out on those riverboats with his MVP Trophy and Boris Diaw just to chillax, his evil wench of a wife won't let him. And he won't have had sex in 11 months. And the Suns will be the champions (or the Warriors!) It's a long way down, Frenchie.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Sharapova Likes Cleavage

Maria Sharapova likes girl's boobs, at least according to The Sun.

TENNIS lovely MARIA SHARAPOVA copped an eyeful at a pre-Wimbledon tennis bash in London on Thursday night.

The modestly endowed world No2 blushed after being approached by an extremely busty party guest.

A fellow reveller said: "A lady with the most gigantic breasts walked into the party and Maria couldn’t keep her eyes off them.

"She must have had a five inch cleavage on display which didn’t seem very appropriate for a posh Wimbledon party.

"Maria was giggling with her friends and dared one of them to try and get a picture on her phone.

"She looked as if she was really letting her hair done before Wimbledon begins.

"She also kept on saying that she couldn't believe anyone would wear such revealing outfit."

This seems like a cheeky story, one to make Maria look like a party girl. It also is obvious this story is a plant after all of the attention that Ana Ivanovic received after ousting Sharapova in the French Open. The Sharapova camp clearly is threatened by Ivanovic and is planting stories like this to keep Maria in our minds.


Hat tip: MDS over at FanHaus.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Let’s Pile On Wrestling

WWF superstar Chris Benoit, his wife and son were found dead in their Atlanta home on Monday, the latest tragedy to befell professional wrestling. Many of you probably aren’t familiar with Benoit, but that won’t stop talking heads from casting stones at professional wrestling. (Look for Calvin Cowherd to be especially indignant about it.) Almost immediately the Mr. McMahon death was scrutinized as some called said it was in poor taste. Prison Break kills off a cast member a week and 24 detonates a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles, but that’s cool.

People will look down their noses at wrestling for having another tragedy, maybe even calling for the end of the industry. Yet, nobody has any particular concern that Saturday Night Live kills off a bunch of people, too. The Benoit tragedy (which looks like a murder suicide) is reminiscent of the Phil Hartman shooting. And lest we forget the drug overdoses of Chris Farley and John Belushi, or Charles Rocket killing himself, but it’s wrestling that has a drug problems and other issues. Uh, sure.

Honestly, wrestling is no different than any other forms of entertainment that takes people too early. But instead of becoming heroes like Marilyn Monroe, James Dean or Elivs, dead wrestlers and the industry are often vilified.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

The Post Mortem

Interleague play really illustrated just how bad the dregs of the National League can be. The Devil Rays would probably be leading the NL Central right now. The Angels game against the Pirates on Saturday night was so one-sided, the only intrigue was whether the Angels would score a 10th run ensuring a free round of Hooters chicken wings.

Of course, free chicken wings sounds good when you have had a few belts and are looking to party (thanks to those 6 p.m. starts on Saturday). But the offer kind of loses its luster the next morning.

But holy hell, Pittsburgh can’t throw the ball, can’t catch the thing and the Angels seemed disinterested in the whole series until the Pirates tied the game on yesterday. This whole interleague has been great to the Angels who finished 14-2. But that didn't stop the experts from raving about the Red Sox.

There also is a special level of hell reserved for a-holes that get free wings, and then only order water, stiffing the waitress. (And it doesn't have to be a Hooters, this goes for all places.) If you are getting free food, kick down a little for the help.


More than 50 percent of ESPN’s Sports Nation indicated that the Boston Red Sox were the best team in baseball proving that more than 50 percent of Sports Nation are dopes. Or at least Boston fans. And you really hate to give credence to polls such as this that are designed to get people talking. But Joe Morgan and the other idiot broadcasting the Tigers v. Braves game on Sunday night whole heartedly agreed with it.

Was there ever a time when the sports viewing audience wasn't smarter than the broadcasters? Because that would be pretty fun.

Morgan and the other idiot raved about Dice K being able to shut down the last two teams he faced—the Giants and Padres. Yeah, two teams that don’t exactly put up a lot of offensive numbers. Shutting out the Padres, nobody like ever does that! Great take, Joe!

The Red Sox also have put up a pretty good record playing in the worst division in the American League as they are the only team above the .500 mark. So excuse the rest of Sports Nation if we aren’t buying the Red Sox just yet.

  • And nice Sunday lineup, ESPN. As painful as it would be to hear Joe Morgan and the other moron talk about the Angels for three hours, what do they have to do to make it to Sunday prime time? Actually, going to a Sunday 5 p.m. game is a blast.
  • The Yankees are interested in Texas first baseman Mark Teixeira. And you have to wonder why at this point. The Yankees are what, 12 games back now? Time to be sellers. How about A-Rod for Angels prospect Mark Trumbo? The Yankees have no business being buyers at this stage of the season. As unfathomable as it seems, the Red Sox lead is, dare we say it, safe.
  • It is a shame that Ken Griffey Jr. isn't the one closing in the on the all-time home run record, but thankfully, he no longer plays in the AL West.
  • Congratulations to Oregon State for winning a second consecutive College World Series. Strange to believe, but the West Coast power has shifted from Fullerton over to Corvallis, Ore. Sad, considering bad base running probably cost Fullerton a title last year.
  • Seriously, Kelsey Grammer for Hyundai? Are the Cheers residuals that bad? Maybe Hyundai has a great sense of humor.
  • U.S.A! U.S.A! The U.S. beat Mexico in some soccer game. Oh come on, that’s not even fair. America doesn’t even like or want soccer, but we still take it away from Mexico. Kind of like Texas.


Jon Kitna believes that the Lions will win 10 games this year. And you know what, that’s not as crazy as everybody is making it out to be. Every year a team comes out of nowhere to surprise the “experts,” or the collective dopes who get surprised by an upstart each season. But consider this for the Lions, the NFC North really isn’t that strong of a division. The Vikings are miserable and will likely start a quarterback with no experience. The Packers did nothing to improve during the offseason. The Bears also will probably suffer a similar fate of most of the recent NFL runner’s up by falling back to Earth, especially if they insist on playing Rex Grossman this year. So the Lions winning 10 games? Anybody who has watched the NFL over the past decade should know better than to write any team off, no matter how morbid they have been over the years.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Weak Ender

Our boy Scott over at Buc Stats has to be thrilled that Jeff Garcia is winning the quarterback battle in Tampa Bay, as that means more shots in the stands of Carmella DeCesare. Actually we are all winners because of that.

The Buccaneers quarterback situation is one of the most interesting position battles at the conclusion of the mini-camps. Garcia should be the starter, and it’s not hard to see him play the same role with the Bucs as Rich Gannon did during Jon Gruden's tenure in Oakland. The Buccaneers would be THN's sleeper pick for the NFC if, say, you were traveling to Las Vegas in the near future and looking to place a futures bet.

And hey, even if they don’t win, the stands will be interesting to look at.


What exactly is Major League Baseball trying to accomplish with this investigation? They have drug testing now, they busted Raffy Palmeriro, it’s time to just move on. Having Jason Giambi admit that used steroids (although he already did) will do nothing other than to remind the public that baseball did nothing about steroids during the late 1990s. Why keep bad press in the news?

Making Giambi testify would be akin to an acquitted murderer publishing a book called, "If I did it."

Yep, quite the build up for an O.J. joke. But the point remains that baseball should move on, yet can’t quit stubbing its toe.


You can't blame Kevin Garnett for not wanting to go to Boston. Especially with recent anniversary of Len Bias’s death. And besides, who wants to play for that miserable organization that is bad, even for NBA East standards?

But this whole Garnett thing is troubling as he is involved in trade rumors every year. And here’s the rub, if Minnesota can't afford to keep Garnett, or if players don’t want to play there, why do they even have a franchise? Maybe it’s time to jettison franchises such as Minnesota, Memphis, New Orleans, etc. Despite the presence of international players, the NBA talent pool seems diluted. And David Stern is probably the only commissioner in professional sports that could ram contraction down the player’s throats. This needs to happen.

  • You have to wonder why the Eagles didn't give any sort of love to Garcia, letting him walk to a conference rival. Donovan McNabb just can't seem to stay healthy and the Eagles still have a pretty good nucleolus and talent to win the NFC East and perhaps the NFC championship.
  • Everybody talks about the offensive genius of Norv Turner, but you do realize that the 49ers finished 29th in total offense last season.
  • So much for the Yankees charge, as they were swept by Colorado. The Yankees are now chasing five teams in the wild card alone, including the Twins. One of the top match-ups for the final interleague weekend of the season is the Yankees v. San Francisco. Who do you root for there? The Yankees? Bonds? A Mohammad Atta flyover?
  • Ken Griffey Jr. also returns to Seattle this weekend. You have to wonder how different Griffey’s career might have been had he spent his formative years on grass, instead of that green concrete in the Kingdom. Griffey also has been involved in some trade rumors recently, being linked to the Chicago Cubs, which would be fun to see.
  • A fan in San Diego tossed $1 on the field at PetCo Park on Thursday, causing the under-paid Orioles players to scramble for the bills. It was a nice gesture, but couldn’t PacMan Jones find a better way to spend his last day of freedom?


Figures a dude who loves Erin Andrews would go for Posh Spice.
NCAA loves them some rules.
The Sports Flow looks at recruiting eighth graders. You have to expect that sometime in the near future, Tim Floyd will get a visit from Chris Hansen.
Rumors and Rants talks about Yankee Karma.
A new one from Simon on Sports.
The Sports Hernia breaks down the NHL Draft.


People complaining about the current “dead period” of sports is getting a little tiresome. Sure, there might be some truth to that, but look at it this way people, there is no NBA right now. So really, this might be the golden age of sports right now.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Reggie Theus

Greetings haters, it is your pal, McLean Stevenson here to break down yet another college basketball coach going to the pros. You all know me, I’m all for the money grab in college sports. Especially for guys like Billy Donovan and Nick Saban who will always have a job in college sports no matter what they do in sports. But there is something fishy about Theus who went from playing a coach on television to leading New Mexico State to the NCAA Tournament. (Even giving Texas a run for its money.)

Theus went for the quick fix in Las Cruces , bringing in transfers for a quick turnaround, instead of building for long-term success. (Although NMSU does have a great recruit in Herb Pope.) Theus made no secret of his desires to be the coach at UNLV (where he played in college), but the Runnin’ Rebels are quite happy with Lon Kruger, who received an extension. So Theus took the money and ran to the NBA.

That’s cool for coaches who have put in some time and earned it, but Theus should have taken some time and actually learned how to coach. This is going to end horribly for Theus and he likely won’t get another shot with a high-profile college program because they will always question his commitment. Specially for a guy his players called "Hollywood," like he was looking to star in the urban version of Top Gun.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Yanks Fans Want Tickets Capped

Front-running Yankees fans appear like locust at opposing stadiums across the country because apparently nobody wants to live in New York. But major league baseball teams (in places people like to live, like Colorado) are taking a stand and charging extra for tickets to see the Bronx Bombers. And this is an absolutely great idea.

Most Angels fans don't want to go to the ballpark when Yankees fans come to town, mainly because they are rude, ignorant and, let's face it, their team kind of stinks. Imagine if the Royals had a large following and a bunch of Kansas City fans showed up at the ballpark, talking about the past, yelling obscenities and causing the city of Anaheim to deploy mounted police officers. (That's true.) So why not make these guys pay a few extra bucks for it? That's just smart business. Many season ticket holders get premiums for Yankees, Red Sox and Dodgers tickets, so the club should be afforded the same opportunity.

And hey, if it allows Arte Moreno to lower beer prices even further, so be it.

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and I normally write over at A Price Above Bip Roberts, but on Wednesdays I come hither to NFL Adam and pen this thing called "Mid Week Malaise," which is theoretically an investigation of people whose lives are currently worse off than yours are.

Here's the thing, though (are you listening, CAPPY? Mookie?): I'll admit - these posts have been stale the last couple of weeks. No doubt. Perhaps I'm having an existential crisis on par with Stephanie Tanner when she first realized she was caught between D.J. with a boyfriend and Michelle being too cute (en route to cocaine addiction). Perhaps I'm just not good at what I do. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. I'll see if this week can be a little bit better. Here we go now:

Pac Man Jones
I mean seriously, is this a (expletive) joke?

$1.99 Kobe Rant Videos
I think I would rather watch entire episodes of "Boy Meets Grill" via I-Tunes.

Kobe himself
On a continuum of interest-generating elements, this guy ranks between anything about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's relationship and how your newest friend to start dating met the girl of his (expletive) dreams. "And there she was, in line at the post office..."

Sam Perlozzo
If he had one of those machines that Urkel created and somehow transformed himself into a weird smorgesboard of Davey Johnson and Earl Weaver, I'm pretty he still would have lost his job. That happens when you have Aubrey Huff anchoring your power hitting section.

Joe Girardi
Sure, he might be on the verge of employment. I guess someone told him he isn't in line to start burning down the Bronx in a year, though. His career is now taking an oddly similar trajectory to that of Lee Mazilli, and I can't imagine that as a good thing.

Kevin Durant
At this rate, he's going to enter the NBA coachless, which is basically equivalent to having Rick Barnes. Oh, (expletive).

People in Cincinnati
The Reds are about to become (even more) unwatchable. Bengals are getting arrested again. Huggins is in West Virginia and ready to unleash his wrath. This place has become the socio-cultural sporting equivalent of that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer locked the Japanese in the drawers, and collectively everyone wondered, "What just happened to a thing that once had promise?"

Jason Giambi
The last time he had this many people telling him to scream nasty stuff, it was this girl and a few of her friends. George Mitchell's knockers just aren't that nice (Selig's, though...)

2001 World Series Heroes
Randy Johnson has a slipped disk (and is a massive asshole). Curt Schilling is having a MRI (and is an utter douchebag). Gonzo got herpes from standing next to Joe Buck in a broadcast booth last season. And the entire state of Arizona still has to deal with Matt "The next Tom Brady, in all the wrong ways" Leinart and his growing pains.

People on "Hang Time"
Reggie Theus takes over an uninspired Kings team far from the glory days of "More Cowbell" at ARCO. Daniella Deutscher (Julie) has appeared in 1 episode of "Las Vegas" in the last 2 years, and meanwhile, her name is a feminine vaginal care product. Megan Parlen (Mary Beth) did voice work in a Tony Hawk video game in '03, and may well be dead now. And Anthony Anderson (Teddy Brodis) has successfully replaced that other dude from "Kenan and Kel" as "the fat black guy who can occasionally get you to laugh."

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Eli Sacked, Even in Offseason

Eli Messiah is taking a beating from those closest around him. Giants GM Jerry Reese wants Eli to stop with the "hang dog look." (Although, a lot of that could be the excessive inbreeding the Manning family has undergone over the years. Seriously, Eli looks like he should be wearing a helmet to serve fries at McDonalds, not playing in the NFL.)

Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride also has his doubts about Eli. In a quote clearly taken out of context, Gilbride doesn't seem to positive about Messiah:

"I don't know if I can help him..."

And Gilbride knows quite a few things about busts; he once coached Ryan Leaf. So when the guy who put his coaching career on the shoulders of Ryan Leaf is losing faith in you, maybe it's time to start looking for that next gig.

THN's Notes on a Coaster

Mea Maxima Culpa: Chone Figgins. He can play a little bit, recording six hits in Monday night’s improbable comeback. Still, Adam Dunn would make an attractive DH, seeing that the Angels scored only 10 runs after getting 19 hits. But hey, free Hooters!…

The only drawback of the comeback is the impending Rally Monkey jokes coming from bad columnists in the Orange County Register

Fullerton could have used a few of those hits as they were eliminated on Monday afternoon, rendering college baseball lame once again…

Is anybody proud of Kobe Bryant for keeping with his “trade me” mantra for more than 24 hours now? This is the longest commitment he has made in weeks…

Friends of Eva Longoria are worried about Tony Parker as they told the New York Post on Monday: "He is just not gracious," one of them said. "He puts himself ahead of her. He always orders at restaurants before her and is rude to waiters. We just don't have a good feeling about him." These obviously aren’t good friends if they don’t realize that Parker is French…

Heather Mitts and A.J. Feely have called it quits leading many to ask, who the hell are Heather Mitts and A.J. Feeley?

Monday, June 18, 2007

Beckham is a Scientologist?

You have all likely seen this picture at some point today. But nice look, Katie, going for the Posh Spice-guise with that hair cut and Skelator-like collarbone showing. Katie just needs a few floating orbs attached to her chest, pushed up to her chin. Galaxy games sure are going to be interesting this year.

Well, not really, but at least LA will still have one superstar.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Post Mortem

Funny thing, anytime a guy beats Tiger Woods in a major, he always seems to react the same way an adolescent does after beating his dad for the first time. There seems to be a little bit of shock more than anything else. Many of us sitting at home were surprised that Tiger did not win the thing, probably none more than Angel Cabrera. The thing that blows for Cabrera is that people will now talk about how Tiger lost the thing rather than Angel coming in to win this thing.

And as much as the golfers complained about the conditions, it was refreshing to see. The everyday hacker can relate to nailing a good tee shot, flubbing a chip and leaving it on the fringe, then blowing the next shot. That, to most of us, is golf. Keep it coming.


Beating the Dodgers on the field is about as significant as beating the Kansas City Royals. The Angels are a better team in terms of starting pitching, bullpen and offense, so the outcome is no surprise. The Angels can beat the Dodgers playing an American League style, and they also proved they are a better National League, too. So really, it's more of a disappointment that the Angels didn't sweep the Dodgers again.

But beating those fans will always be sweet. Well, that is if there were any Dodgers fans at Chavez Ravine this weekend. The stands behind home plate were a sea of red-clad Angels fans. The only time the idiot Dodgers fans were vocal came when Casey Kotchman was hit in the head and injured on a botched pickoff attempt. But the way the Dodgers play on the field, you almost can’t fault the fans for wanting to cheer for anything.

That instant karma also came back to bite the Dodgers fans on Sunday as James Loney went face-first into the outfield wall and was taken off on the field via a golf cart.


So Kobe Bryant did all he could to dismantle the Lakers dynasty and now he wants to get out of town? So be it. The vindictive side would like to see Bryant languish in the situation he had a hand in creating. That would only be fair. But the Lakers need to make a few changes. There are calls for Jerry Buss to sell the team to Phil Anschutz. And seeing how great that has worked out for the Los Angeles Kings, that would be an absolutely brilliant move.

For the Clippers.

No, the Lakers should trade Kobe to the Bulls for some of their young talent and a draft pick. People who follow the NBA (like Marcel Mutoni and Sam Rubenstein) could probably cite the players the Lakers should nab from Chicago, and just move forward. Some might note that the Lakers botched its trade of Shaq, and that’s just not true. The Lakers received Lamar Odom and Caron Butler, and hey, that’s a pretty good deal. Until Kobe insisted that the Lakers trade Butler for Kwame Brown. Can't say that Kobe will be missed.

  • Boston fans are supposed to be so tough, but Barry Bonds escaped from town without and on-field incident. Weak.
  • Redskins draftee LaRon Landry is unable to practice because he was shot in the groin playing paintball. Are these the crippling injuries that has caused Iron Mike Ditka to tear up? Nice job, Redskins. Maybe you should just take Norv Turner back.
  • For the second consecutive year, the Titans were done in by a base-running blunder at third base. The problem with Fullerton is the same as the Dodgers, they don't have enough punch to score runners. Four base hits to score a single run does not equal success. Pity, Wes Roemer pitched well enough to win. But as stated here before, this tournament is ASU’s to lose. But knowing Coach Murphy, don’t count out a Sun Devils' patented choke-job.
  • A couple of shows you should check out, Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel and Ice Road Truckers on the History Channel. Obviously they are trying to cash in on the success of the Deadliest Catch, but still pretty cool.
  • How much of a mess must your life be if you lose a custody hearing to David Hasselhoff?


You would think that if you were a member of a football team that went 2-14 the previous season, you would want to put in a little extra work in the offseason. But that’s not the Raiders way. Some whistle blower (first guess would be Jerry Porter) narced out coach Lane Kiffin and the Raiders have had to halt offseason workouts.

"I was notified that the (NFL) Players (Association) believes our total commitment to improving our football team has resulted in some violations of rules regarding practice standards… The union has complained about the high level of intensity, player aggressiveness and fast pace of our practices and, as a result, has taken away the final week of our offseason program," said Kiffin, the NFL's youngest and least experienced head coach.

Well, the kid just learned a valuable lesson right there. This is going to be a great season for the Raiders.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Weak Ender

Some of you might see the picture of our girl, Alyssa Milano and groan. Maybe be a little perturbed that THN seems to go to Milano a little too much. And that's cool. Because THN is looking for somebody to march for us at Pride Day.

The Angels and Dodgers will be competing this week in the Milano Series, also known as the Freeway Series. And seeing that rumors persist that Milano has been ridden more than a freeway, then the name really fits.

Just trying to have a little fun here folks.

And besides, she's the one that named her blog, "Touch 'em All" inviting these types of jokes. But you have to be worried when Milano caught a foul ball on Wednesday night. Is that an ominous sign for the Angels? Nah.

Actually, Milano has caught all sorts of balls lately.

In other news, I was at the game Friday night and Eddie Murray looked at me and mouthed the words: “Can you catch?” At first I had no idea what he was saying and he had his hands cupped so it looked like he was praying. After a brief moment of trying to compute, I said “What?” He said it again: “Can you catch?” Oh . . . “Yeah,” I replied and then did what any other nervous chick in heels would do in my position. I looked at my brother and said, “Stand up and catch the ball.” Confused, my brother went to stand up and Mr. Murray said “No.” I gulped and my heart started racing. “YOU,” he said while pointing his finger straight at me. “Stand up,” he commanded. And so I did. I stood up and he threw the ball to me in the stands. Time slowed down. The pressure. Oh God, the pressure. I navigated my Jimmy Choo’s in the air and low and behold . . . I caught the ball! (Insert Juan Pierre joke here.) It was a big moment for me. No one has ever thrown me a ball from the dugout before. I was so happy. I started bouncing up and down in my seat and my top lip started sweating. Thank you, Eddie Murray.

BTW, he got fired for that, Charmed girl. (That or the Dodgers lack of hitting.)

  • Gomer Manning received his Super Bowl ring Thursday, but said that he won't have time to enjoy it because he doesn’t want to live in the past. This guy must have been a joy as a kid on Christmas as he immediately shelved all his new toys because he had another Christmas to prepare for in 364 days. Eli, of course, did not receive Christmas presents.
  • People have reasoned that there is absolutely no conspiracy theory in the NBA, seeing that the referees didn't make that obvious intentional foul by Bruce Bowen (CSF) on LeBron James at the end of Game 3. The apologist assert that the referees are incompetent, and that there isn't a conspiracy at all. Yeah, because being incompetent is way better than any conspiracy. But there probably is a conspiracy—a conspiracy to get this awful series over with and move on to the NBA Draft. The NBA is going to benefit from all of the positive exposure of having Greg Oden and Kevin Durant in the draft, so you can’t blame David Stern for wanting to push ahead. And the Spurs obliged.
  • Are the Spurs a dynasty? Yes. Who even asks questions like that? Oh yeah, Yahoo! Sports. That should be a good illustration of just how boring these finals are. Or how boring it becomes over there when they aren’t chasing the housing records of former USC football players.
  • The question right now isn’t if the Red Sox are going to choke, but how soon do the Yankees catch them. The Yankees have become the Shaquille O’Neal of MLB. As in, they don't really pay attention to the first third of the season, looking to only turn it around in the playoffs. Except Shaq, of course, has won a title in recent memory.
  • Jason Giambi is going to be suspended. Yeah, Bud Selig will suspend the white guy, while the black guy gets to chase down the home run record. Baseball’s history of racism again rears its ugly head.
  • The Rat Pack is returning to the 49ers sidelines, at least at home, as 49ers coach Mike Nolan will be allowed to wear suits. At least somebody in the NFL will be wearing a suit for something other than a trial.
  • Fullerton Baseball Fan over at Titan Central made an interesting note about the Titans rolling back to Omaha in consecutive years. The Titans finished third in 1994, won the whole thing in 1995. The Titans finished third in 2003, won the whole thing in 2004. Guess what place the Titans finished in 2006.
  • Jurisprudence: Former Raiders defensive end Sean Jones has been indicted in a mortgage scam. Now many of you might ask, a former Raiders committing a crime, what's new? Well, this is a white-collar crime.


  • Any Angels fan thinking of venturing to Dodger Stadium should read this.
  • Quick take on Ocean's 13: Awesome. Ellen Barkin is hot. Oh, sorry to spoil it, but they get away with it. Check out Fletch's review here. Keep an eye out for THN's review on that Blog Cabins.
  • Our man Seitz is bound to have something on the Angels/Dodgers today.


In case you haven't seen this, it is worth your time.

U.S. Open

By now, you have all heard the complaints about the U.S. Open and it's tough conditions. Yeah, you want to try tough? Try playing golf when you have to spend 30 minutes at each tee box waiting for that Asian foursome to speed the hell up. Don't talk about tough conditions. But people seem to be a little upset about the 300-yard Par 3 and the extremely tall rough that caused Phil to pull a pectoral muscle.

Too bad.

If anything, they are don't enough to make the course tough enough. So that can mean only one thing, it's a new Last and Ten.

Smashed Grapes Entering Water Supply in Phoenix

Everyone's favorite investigative reporter, Fletch, is back, and this time I brought some hate with me to the picnic.

As a resident of Phoenix, I can't help but think my taste buds are betraying me. After all, the water coming out of my tap doesn't taste any different (I think - people in Phoenix don't actually drink their tap water, lest they desire a case of Montezuma's Revenge.). But if I didn't know better, the city was mixing in wine with the normal dosage of H2O and other various vitamins and minerals. The reason I can't help but think this is that some of the biggest names in sports in the Valley of the Sun have turned into whining ninnies. To wit:

In the April 23 issue of ESPN The Magazine, Shawn Marion was quoted as saying "I want the recognition. I feel I've done what it takes to get it, but for some reason it hasn't happened." This comes from a gentlemen who earned more than 15 million in 2007 and is a veteran of four All-Star games. He also said "Steve is the MVP of the league but I've had people tell me I am the MVP of the team." Whatever that means. Shawn - I hereby award you some brie.

Fast forward to the June 18 issue of the same magazine. The issue is titled "Revenge of the Jocks" and features a number of articles written by various athletes, telling us all how miserable (yet thankful) they are. The cover is graced by Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leinart - in the photo, he is tearing up a mock previous issue, also with him on the cover and stating "Leinart plummets in the draft." Inside, we get an article written by Matt in which his sole purpose as a "reporter" is to attend the owners' meetings in Phoenix and ask various coaches why they passed on him in the draft last year. "Coach Fisher...we bonded. I loved Nashville. Why did you cost me money?" "Coach Mangini...I love NY. Why did you cost me money?" Cry me a river, Matt - no one forced you to enroll in ballroom dancing class - you are now the proud recipient of feta.

The last entry is open to interpretation, so Randy Johnson will only get some Kraft Parmesan for his troubles. In fact, Randy has plenty of reasons why he didn't fly with the Diamondbacks for their latest road trip. The guy had just pitched the night before, he's in his mid-60s, he's angrier than Gargamel, and oh yeah, he's earned it. If he doesn't want to travel for a trip that he won't be pitching on, he should be able to with no questions asked.

Except one. As it turns out, both of the times Randy has neglected to join the team on a road trip, the D-Backs were headed to New York. That's right - the same New York that Randy made friends with his first day in town after signing with the Yankees a few years back. Coincidence? I don't know - maybe he just doesn't like the wine they serve there.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haterz. My name is Ted, and predominantly I write over at A Price Above Bip Roberts, but on Wednesdays - Hump Day - I come over to NFL Adam's joint and do this little thing called Mid Week Malaise. The concept is simple: your life absolutely sucks (OK, so I'm projecting my issues onto you; sue me, cockface), but the 10 people or concepts below? Their lives are markedly worse. So, take some solace in that.

David Stern
His hero for the last decade marched into his first Finals and led the boys over the better Lakers. His hero for the next decade is getting curb-stomped by a mixture of Tony Soprano and Tony Parker.

Frank Jackson, Mayor of Cleveland
Just as I'm sure Kevin Harlan periodically crank calls Tony and Eva's house and pants heavily into the phone (with a box of tissues at the ready), I'm fairly certain Mr. Jackson calls Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown thrice daily and just starts laughing. It's the only thing that can possibly make the pain go away.


Prince Fielder
Sure, he's having a great season. But in the context of this whole "I hate my father" thing (in the spirit of the time of the year it is right now, let's just say it: who doesn't hate their father?), wouldn't it have been nice for him to stroll into Detroit and just unleash some Cecil-style bombs, then hug his father after he crossed home plate on one of 'em? Instead, Justin Verlander no hits his team, further proving the difference between quality of various leagues denoted as 'Central.'

John Daly
Can someone just write a country music song about this dude? I mean, am I the only person to ever get baked and try to come up with one? "Rippin' beers and smokin' butts while playing on the green... Johnny Daly lived a life of more than 18... 18 Problems... 18 Problems." I played the violin for one year, and the guitar for two. I stopped because I wasn't good.

Josh McRoberts
Some of you guys might remember that CSTV Road Tripper video with the Duke girls. If you click on it, the one decently hot girl basically admits that she's nailing McRoberts by denying it. When he's schlepping Shelden Williams' duffel around for the Hawks next season, he'll miss those days.

Milwaukee Bucks
I wear Bucks shorts when I work out, and I'm still a fat ass. That's problem No. 1. Problem No. 2, that I was slow on the uptake to realize, is that this generally abysmal team has pick No. 6 when they should have pick No. 3 in the upcoming Draft. So, instead of NBA ready PF Al Horford, they'll get that Chinese freak or Corey Brewer, who idiots liken to Scottie Pippen but most know will be the second coming of Sean Respert. Meanwhile, the Bucks haven't done well with a pick since 2000 and Michael Redd. They got Dirk in 1998 and T.J. Ford in 2003, but they blossomed elsewhere.

Two Things about the movie "Knocked Up"
The movie is tremendous. I never wanted it to end. But, here's my two problems: 1) the inherent message is that if you practice unsafe sex with a beautiful woman, she will fall in love with you and ultimately want to marry you. Why would I ever buy a condom? and 2) How can Katharine Heigl be dating a farg like Josh Kelley in real life? Can't she be with Chuck Liddell or someone? She deserves a bad ass.

Daunte Culpepper
2004: 4700 yards, 39 TD. 2007: begging the Texans to back up Matt Schaub. That "arm roll" thing has become the professional sports equivalent of the duck walk.

The tiger is dead. Long live the tiger. Right before a year their football team is supposed to end up in a New Orleans-based BCS Title game, the Bengal tiger mascot perished, thus sending LSU officials on a world-wide search ("anywhere with an airport," noted one employee) to find a new one. They should just throw some paint on Ralphie the Buffalo. Colorado's going nowhere faster than CAPPY's career.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

USA Today Never Heard of Tillman

Michael David Smith of, well, every site (lets go with AOL FanHouse) found this nugget on USA Today’s site about the 25 most important sports events in the world over the past 25 years. And what a surprise, the Boston’s 2004 World Series title is No. 1. Who wrote this piece (of expletive)? The Sports Dork?

MDS makes a great point as in, where is Pat Tillman? Easily the biggest story in sports over the past 25 years, maybe longer. Nothing signifies how much athletes and their importance has fallen out of touch with the common man than Pat Tillman and what he sacrificed.

Baseball players Bob Feller and Ted Williams, golfer Bobby Jones, along with numerous professional athletes put their careers on hold after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. America’s professional athletes like Michael Strahan and the New York Yankees mugged for cameras by waving American flags prior to games post 9/11. Yet somehow the morons at the USA Today didn't feel that Tillman was as noteworthy as some baseball team with the second-highest payroll in the league winning the World Series.

Man, that newspaper isn't fit enough for Papagorgio (THN's official mascot) to piss on.

Happy Anniversary, O.J.

O.J. Simpson spent the anniversary of his murder spree of his ex-wife (June 12) by slamming the media for all of the Paris Hilton coverage. From our friends over at O.J. takes the media to task for not covering real criminals:

"Man, this whole Paris Hilton thing is bull (excrement). What the hell did Paris Hilton ever do to get this kind of press? I killed a (female dog). And her (fornicating) lover. Now that was newsworthy mother (rhymes with sucker). And I am sick and (deity) damn tired of mother (reproducers) comparing this (poop) to what I did. I went out and slash some (witch). What the hell did Paris do, drive drunk? That's nothing. Me and my (African-American) A.C. tore up the 405 and I didn't even go to (freaking) jail! That's right, I didn't go to jail, (female dogs)!"

Word, Juice, word.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Setting The Record Straight

Be honest, there is nothing The Sopranos could have done short of Meadow Soprano full-frontal nudity on Sunday night that would have pleased the general public. That's because the general public is full of dopes. (Not you though, you are cool.)

Dating back to the Seinfeld finale when a couple of morons decided it was a letdown, the lemmings have followed suit and panned every series finale thereafter. And it's just wrong. If you didn't see the brilliance of the Seinfeld finale, then you have to question whether you were even a fan of the show. Bringing back all of the bit characters who made the show was a touch of brilliance. Some complained that it was far-fetched. A real stretch from previously storylines such as George pretending to be a marine biologist and prying a Titleist (hit by Kramer) out of the blowhole of a whale. Yes, the finale was a real stretch.

And if you really think the Seinfeld finale was bad, check out the Sports Dork himself Bill Simpson who spent the better part of his chat bitching about The Sopranos. (And yes, ESPN is only relevant for Sopranos nowadays.)

Chris (Louisville, KY): I think we can blame any series ending letdown on Jerry Seinfeld. After that stink bomb every director is gonna try to do the same thing and put their "stamp" on the finale.

SportsNation Bill Simmons: See, now that was a bad series finale! The show should have ended with Elaine and Jerry ending up together.

The Dork will likely print a retraction in coming days saying he was kidding, but would have been the worst possible ending. That would have been so out of character, you wonder if the Dork even watched the show. So for those of you thinking the Seinfeld finale was weak, be glad that people like the Sports Dork are no longer writing for television.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Post Mortem

Congratulations to Ana Ivanovic for winning the French Open. She didn't win on the court, but she won the hearts of Internet perverts everywhere that finally moved past high school track stars.

Ivanovic also boosted her career by losing. Only the ugly chicks win in women's tennis. Martina Navratilova, Billy Jean King, and the Williams sisters all dominated tennis. All ugly and never as popular as Chris Evert or Anna Kournakova. Ivanovic will keep losing if she wants to remain in the spotlight.

And speaking of attractive athletes, the elusive Mandy Beard Playboy pictures have been found. Thanks to the Insomniac for sending out the files. If you haven't seen them, you can probably find them here until the Playboy lawyers get a hold of Ufford. Playboy really went out of their way to hide Beard's face.

Some lucky reader of is going to win a chance to meet Alyssia Milano at a Dodgers game. Pass. Even if you got to meet Alyssia like Nuke Laloosh met a groupie on a training room table in Bull Durham, that is still not enough to actually go to Dodger Stadium. Go ahead and insert your own, "But Alyssia has already dated all of Major League Baseball" joke right here.

And Blonde is back, too.


The West Coast will be represented in Omaha with Cal State Fullerton, UC Irvine and Arizona State already in. Oregon State is on the cusp. Of course, all four teams are seeded in the same bracket, ensuring that it won’t be an all-West Coast final. But it does mean that one team from the West will make the final series. The smart money says Arizona State, but how can you bet against Fullerton right now?

Speaking of betting, sports gamblers in Las Vegas will seemingly take anybody’s advice. But the dude in the Flamingo sports book who did that Fullerton/UCI/ASU parlay had to be pretty happy late Saturday night.

  • Robin Ventura is officially the worst game analyst in the history of baseball. Wow, that guys is awful. As a poster on Titan Central put it, Nolan Ryan must have done permanent damage to him.
  • What would the Angels record be if they got to play the National League all of the time?
  • Rain forced NASCAR to shorten Sunday's race at Pocono, giving Jeff Gordon the victory. NASCAR explained that it had to stop the race because Gordon, like most Californians, can't drive in the rain.
  • But who wouldn’t want to see NASCAR race on a slick track? And it's such a female-dog move to cheer the rain. Whata weak way to win.
  • Tommy Morrison competed in an MMA event this weekend. Seriously, MMA doesn't want to be popular, right? You have to be pretty low on the totem pole when you are forced to promote fighters that even boxing wouldn’t take.
  • Many people argued that the NBA made a mistake showing Game 2 of the Finals against The Sopranos. But that shouldn't make a difference. People actually watch The Sopranos.
  • Just in case anybody missed it, Roger Clemens returned to the Yankees with another minor-league rehabilitation assignment. This time against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Baseball Tonight dedicated 20 minutes of the show to Clemens and the Yankees who still languish far behind the Red Sox. Hopefully Troy Percival will be given the same treatment when he starts pitching for St. Louis.
  • You all realize that the Yankees are going to make the playoffs, right?


The Imperial Palace has a new Top Gun slot machine that has all of your favorites such as Goose, Ice Man and Kelly McGillis. That's right, no freaking Jester! What an absolute joke. Michael Ironside makes any slot machine infinitely cooler.

Of course, there was no Maverick, either. Would have loved to have been in that marketing meeting to hear this pitch. "Hey, how about we do a slot machine based on a movie released over 20 years ago. We got Kilmer, Edwards, McGillis…"

"Hey, that's great, how about Tom Cruise?"

"We can have the machine do a flyby when you reach a certain level."

"Yeah, yeah, that’s wonderful, but is Cruise aboard?"

Seriously, how does this thing get approved? Did this guy pitch a Batman slot machine with Robin, Commissioner Gordon and The Joker, but no Batman? Does the Superman machine have Lex Luther, Miss Teschmacher and Jimmy Olsen, but no Superman.


Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Weak Ender

Lindsay Lohan: Raiders Fan. Obvious? Yes, but it’s been a long week.

Funny thing happened on Thursday afternoon. After one pampered female dog had her dream of freedom answered as Paris Hilton was put on house arrest. Another pampered female dog was brought down to Earth as Curt Schilling had his no-hitter denied with two outs in the ninth inning. Schilling's no-hit bid also led to a flurry of mixed emotions. An A's loss directly benefits the Angels, but this is Schilling you are talking about. And in the end, there was probably no other perfect way this thing could have ended up. Other than Mohamed Atta buzzing the mound in a biplane.

Schilling look despondent after the game, let's hope Lindsay was able to hide the knives.

  • Dog fighting is deplorable. But what happens to dogs that aren’t claimed at the humane society? They are put down. So maybe we should congratulate Mike Vick for giving those dogs a fighting chance.
  • Dog fighting and 9/11 jokes, what a way to end the week.
  • How many of Peyton Manning's are likely growing tired of Gomer’s demands of working hard in the offseason? Manning is admirable in trying to win another title. But these are professional athletes we are talking about, and winning a second title doesn't mean as much to most of the guys. And none of them care as much as Manning. Even Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne are starting to defer to the rookies. What are the odds that Manning gets a code red during training camp?
  • Peyton's backup Jim Sorgi has to have the best job in the NFL. How many games a year a year do you think Sorgi shows up drunk for? The over/under is eight.
  • Wow, those NBA Finals are sure exciting. But Michael Jordan lost his first ever NBA Finals game, too. And that, my friends, will be the storyline beaten to death as the NBA marches towards Game 2, coming to you a week from Saturday on ABC.
  • No Amanda Beard pics from Playboy on the net yet? Now that is an outrage.
  • Maybe Bud Selig should have handled the prosecution for the O.J. case. He could have been like, "Hey O.J., why don't you go to the police and just turn yourself in, dude? No? O.k., that's cool, whatever." That’s basically what he is doing with Jason Giambi, as he wants him to testify against himself eight years after the fact. Baseball should just bury this steroid deal and move on. At least we should now that Sarge Jr. is killing the ball.
  • When did the world turn of Alex Rodriguez? And don’t say because he was allegedly cheating on his wife. Like any of you care. But no matter what A-Rod seems to do these days, the jackals of the Internets are there to jump on him. Seriously, if the dude wants to play third base in Los Angeles, er Anaheim, he can play on my team anytime.
  • The Ducks win the Stanley Cup and it gets bumped from sports talk radio in Southern California for Paris Hilton updates. Figures, eh? The NHL just can’t guy a break. That’s what happens when you put broads like Tracy Simers in drive-time morning radio slots.


  • The Sports Flow predicted the Spurs in 5, well before the Sports Dork.
  • Your Super Regional Preview here. But he predicts the Bruins over Fullerton. Not that THN will be going because none of the regional locations serve booze. But if you want a prediction look for Fullerton, Arizona State and Irvine to all advance.


The recruiter for University of Arizona softball team sure does have a thing for blondes, huh? At least Taryne Mowatt looks less, uh, man-ish, than Jennie Finch. The Tennessee coach, on the other hand, seems to go out of its way to attract less active women. The third baseman had a hair style that had not been seen since Julie McCoy wore that perm on the later seasons of Love Boat. So fans of hot chicks playing softball should thank the University of Arizona for helping out the cause.

Teemu Selanne

Greetings folks, I’m television’s McLean Stevenson. As the king of good career movies, I spend time at my site judging the career moves of people more successful than me. I’ve been asked to chip in this week and offer a little insight. Staying topical, I’ll start with Teemu Selanne. Part of the joy of going to heaven is no hockey on TV, though I understand that it’s the same way on Earth.

I hear this Teemu fellas is thinking of going out on top, leaving a Stanley Cup winning team. Take it from me, leaving on top is kind of overrated. Sometimes you might want to stick out the ride, even if you think the ice might be a little cooler on the other side of the hockey rink. I'm not sure if Teemu is talented enough to overcome this kind of blunder with a gold mine like Hello, Larry. You might want to stick around.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Anaheim Burns

Alright, Anaheim might not be burning, but there was at least a firecracker in the faint distance that had to be set off in celebration of the Ducks bringing the Stanley Cup home to Anaheim. Or Los Angeles of Anaheim. But it's not like Southern Californians need a reason to jump on any sporting bandwagon, just as long as it is not the Galaxy. Even NHL Jennifer got into the act, noting that the Ducks won a championship the year the team switched uniform color just like the Angels. And just like the Angels had the Molina brothers, the Ducks have the Niedermayer brothers. That's the SoCal bandwagon rolling, baby.

The Ducks winning is cool, but disappointing at the same time. Disney, as mentioned the other day, deserves credit for building two championship franchises. But they also robbed some fans of the joy of watching the Ducks. Anaheim started moving dirt across from Anaheim Stadium about 17 years ago. Many of us thought it was a new home for the Rams, but it was an arena for a new hockey team. Many of us grow up with teams, but how many have watched them grow from birth? People (including me) were excited for a brand new team to root for and they had many nicknames picked out, including the Orange Crush (which ruled). Instead they named the team after a movie, and if that wasn't bad enough, the uniforms were. So that turned off anybody who didn't drive a minivan. It would have been cool to watch this team grow from birth to win a title, but that lame name (right or wrong) drove many away.

Oh well, that won't stop us from wearing our giveaway hats to the parade on Friday.

The Mid-Week Malaise

We've been doing this for three or four weeks now, so we'll keep it short and sweet in terms of an explanation. Basically, we've gradually come to the realization that all our lives suck, and Wednesdays are the epitome of that: half the work week down sure, but half remaining - and then honestly, what does the weekend hold? A whole lotta nuttin.

So yea, your life sucks. These 10 characters, though? Their lives suck more. Revel in it:

Eva Longoria
Let me get this straight: a) she can't get laid right now and b) her fiancee is clearly a bit more preoccupied with stopping Daniel "Boobie" Gibson than wedding plans. It's hard out there for a starlet.

Flip Saunders
Larry Brown: two straight trips to the NBA Finals (1-1). Lil' Flip: 2 straight trips to the Eastern Conference Finals (0-2).

The Chicago Bears
No Mo' Tank (for half the season). Cedric Benson is your lead back. And oh yea, Grossman is still under center. The Packers might win the NFC North.

Michael Vick
From a sheer math standpoint, if you own 66 dogs and 37 of 'em are dead on property you own, shouldn't that implicate you in something?

The Streets of Philadelphia
Phillies are .500 and 7 games back of a Mets team they'll never catch. Eagles are maybe the third most talented team in the NFC East. Sixers don't have a good enough pick to be relevant again next year. Flyers are - well, the Flyers.

Ken Griffey Jr
His Reds are 15 under the .500 mark, and here's what's worse - in 2 weekends, when Barry could be breaking the all-time record (if he can get hot again), Griffey will travel to Seattle in perhaps the most painful reminder in recent sports history of "what could have been."

The Orlando Magic brass
Don't cry for them. They're already dead.

Larry Bird
Every time a dude like LeBron comes around, he has to see multiple clips of Jordan going for 63 against him in the Garden and Magic's magical performances against the Cs. His back probably winces with pain on every frame of those video segments. Meanwhile, he hired Jim O' Brien to coach a Pacers team sorely in need of a kick-you-in-the-grill leader to right their ship.

The Orioles
Keep finding heartbreaking ways to lose (Vlad hits a walk-off against them on Sunday). Meanwhile, I'm headed down there on Friday night (against the Rockies!) to eat and drink them out of house and home. When I pass out on the field from my perch in the CF bleachers, at least they'll get some publicity.


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Just Pimp Baby

A former NFL player pleaded guilty for running a prostitution ring out of his parent's house. Yeah, one guess as to what NFL team he played for. John Buczkowski was involved with a prostitution ring run by his girlfriend and his parents. Thanksgiving must have been fun around that house. Buczkowski proved that he was a true Raider when, instead of taking his punishment like a man, he rolled over on his girlfriend on a plea deal.

Sports Movie UMVPs

When Adam asked me to write something for THN, I was honored at first, then excited, then a bit terrified. After all, even though I'm a sports fan, I'm nowhere near the fanatic (or writer) that many sports bloggers are. Also, I write a blog that is 94% about movies, 3% about other pop culture happenings, and 3% sports (maybe). So there was certainly a challenge to writing something in my strengths to a sports-demanding audience.

Then again, there are a whole lot of movie fans out there, and there are a whole lot of sports films to admire and/or mock (and sometimes both at the same time).

I thought I'd start by handing out some kudos to some of the unheralded sports movie characters (or actors). Sure, everyone talks about how Kevin Costner was great in Bull Durham and that Tim Robbins throws like a girl, or that Chevy Chase and Rodney Dangerfield owned Caddyshack, but what about Brian Doyle-Murray? Let's pat some backs...

Jay Tarses, "Coach Bobby Flinstock," Teen Wolf
Amongst these guys, he's the MVP. One quote says it all:
"There are 3 rules that I live by: never get less than 12 hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

Brian Doyle-Murray, "Lou Loomis," Caddyshack
Chevy, Rodney, and younger brother Bill get all the attention here, but Brian (who co-wrote Caddyshack with Harold Ramis) deserves a lot of the credit for the success of the movie. Aside from writing it, he was the official during the finale and also told a kid to "pick up that blood." Classic.

Omar Epps, "Willie Mays Hayes," Major League II
No, he didn't originate the role, but as the only major character in the sequel to Major League to be played by someone else, Epps had some large shoes to fill. And he does what amounts to a great impersonation of Wesley Snipes. Unfortunately for Omar, that kind of laid out a pattern for his career - picking up the slop that Wesley didn't want. Though I guess with a steady gig on House, Omar's probably not too concerned with that these days (where'd Wesley go, anyway?).

Jimmy Fallon, "Ben Wrightman," Fever Pitch
Coming off the wildly successful Taxi, Fallon stepped into the batter's box and nailed one out of the park with this Farrelly brother-directed ode to the Red Sox. Showing such great chemistry with co-star Drew Barrymore, Jimmy --

Scott Caan, "Charlie Tweeder," Varsity Blues
I'm not interested in Billy Bob Thornton and Friday Night Lights - I want to see James Van Der Beek tell his dad, "I don't want...your life!" Meanwhile, Scott Caan steals all of his scenes with his sheer obnoxiousness and bizarre brand of machismo, highlighted by this throwaway sequence between Van Der Beek's "Mox" and "Tweeder":
Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don't know. [looks up]
Charlie Tweeder
: What?

Kelly Preston, "Avery Bishop," Jerry Maguire

'Nuff said.

Allen Covert, "Otto," Happy Gilmore
Long before he became officially known as "one of Adam Sandler's buddies that appears in all his movies," Covert's homeless man plucked from the street to be Happy's caddy practically stole all of his Gilmore scenes, despite barely uttering a word the whole time. Gold.

Bolo Yeung, "Chong Li," Bloodsport
You'd think that playing the lead villain in one of the most enjoyable guilty pleasure films of all time would have made Yeung a star in America - after all, the guy was in Enter the Dragon some 15 years (!) earlier. But no, while Jackie Chan crossed over to fame, fortune, and a horrible franchise with Chris Tucker, Bolo was relegated to being Van Damme's nemesis in Double Impact. Ouch.