Monday, April 30, 2007

Enjoy The Yankees Success

Is it too early to revel in the Yankees misfortune as they tumble into last place in the American League East? Absolutely not. Even though baseball only completed its first month, it is never too early to revel in the Yankees misery as they are now looking up at Tampa Bay in the standings. And there isn’t any help coming, either. The Yankees are rushing prospects to the majors in a desperate attempt to find anybody who can get an out, but it won’t happen this year. So it’s important to enjoy moments like this. Has there ever been a time in history when the Raiders were the worst team in football and the Yankees were in last place? Drink it all in. The only downside is the joy this brings to Red Sox fans, but nothing can bring down the PMA (Positive Mental Attitude).

Oh, and there is a new Last and Ten.

The Post Mortem

What doesn’t make sense out of the whole NFL draft is why would Brady Quinn show up when he was told by the Cleveland Browns that they weren’t going to pick him? Because after watching what Aaron Rodgers, and to some extent Matt Leinart, previously went through, sitting on a fishing boat doesn't seem like a bad alternative.

So instead of being one of the top picks in the draft, Quinn was whisked away like he was Anne Frank, with the NFL hiding him in the attic. Guys opting not to be there could be a trend in the near future.

Of course, fans were upset that Quinn was not on camera. Not so much to see the anguish on his face, but to check out his girlfriend siting next to him.

Here are some notes from the draft. Sorry, THN is not equipped with a scrolling feature because that is probably the only way most of you can read right about now.

  • Gene Washington tipped the Raiders move back to Southern California by calling the team the Los Angeles Raiders to start Sunday's round four. If there is ever an NFL team in LA again, it is going to be the Raiders.
  • Keyshawn Johnson on commentary wasn’t brutal. But he was kind of amusing when he said that Dwayne Jarrett, “Reminds me of me.” Except that Keyshawn pointed out that he was much faster than Jarrett and that is why he went with the first overall pick. Is anybody else hoping that Jarrett beats out Key for a starting spot this year in Carolina?
  • Quinn was thinking out loud about the teams that could possibly draft him as he was sliding, and he mentioned Kansas City. First-year starter Brodie Croyle was probably thrilled to hear that. But Quinn should have mentioned the New York Giants, who desperately need a starting quarterback.
  • Did the Cowboys just not want to participate this year? They were like that guy that does his fantasy draft over the phone instead of in-person. You could just see Mrs. Jones brow-beating her husband to hurry up because they had lunch plans, so Jerry just traded all of his picks so he could run to the Corner Bakery. Not that you can blame them, the draft is too long. Especially when Greg Olsen was parading around in a Bears hat while the Chargers were still on the clock. They need to find a way to speed this thing up, even though it is free advertising. They could knock this thing out in a day.
  • Randy Moss only worth a fourth-round pick? Unbelievable. Great move for the Patriots. The disgruntled one will make a huge impact on the Patriots. Brandon Meriweather was another great pick. Damn it, New England is going to be really good next year.




HEADLINES THREE YEARS FROM NOW

Heard this on the radio over the weekend and thought this would be a cool idea to steal. But here are the headlines you will be reading three years from now on this draft.

Chargers Still Smarting Over Passing on Jarrett, Smith. Still can’t believe that A.J. Smith passed on the USC receivers for some dude who was a second-team All-SEC guy. And why were people ignoring USC players anyway? Does Mike Williams mean that every player out of USC is going to be a bust?

Raiders Set to Draft Quarterback With First Pick. Something about JaMarcus Russell screams great talent, but a likely bust. The comparisons to Vince Young would be more apt if the Raiders had Norm Chow and Jeff Fisher.

Matt Millen Looking at Wide Receiver. Come on, that was obvious. But not as obvious as…

Bengals Leon Hall Arrested. You had to see that coming.

Raiders Lament Not Taking Thomas, Quinn. The Raiders could have pulled off the same thing the Browns did, ending up with the lineman they sorely need, and a quarterback. Quinn will likely have a better pro career than Russell.

Moving on…

  • The Warriors/Mavericks series is great fun. But you have to imagine that Dallas will rally back the same way the Suns did against the Lakers last year. Still, a first-round upset of the best team in the league would make for some great theater. And Avery Johnson the Marty Schottenheimer of the NBA.
  • The Angels should stay out of Chicago. Reggie Willits was called out for leaving too soon on a sacrifice fly (although TV evidence disputes that). But that is the kind of thing that happens when Kelvim Escobar pitches in Chicago.


AND FINALLY

Somebody should let Curt Schilling know that it makes him look more guilty when he protests too much. The best way to handle it would be to have taken the high road. But Schilling mistook that for “high horse.”

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Blades of Glory

He's back, once again on loan from A Price Above Bip Roberts, this time with a look at the NHL's version of Will Ferrell and Jon Heder. Now, Libby (as we know him around the THN water cooler) didn't mention the change in color scheme for the Mighty Ducks this year. Because you would have to imagine that the old school Mighty Ducks jersey was the NHL jersey of choice on pride day.

Not that Libby would know because he was probably too busy hanging out with legions of women, because he was such a stud.


Hello, friends. So delighted you chose to join me again.

There are certain athletes that we always group together: Jordan and Pippen (I ignore the latter phases of both careers, because Jordan in blue and white was just a ghastly fashion and career choice, and Pippen in various shades of red never looked as good on his older, sagging frame), Duncan and Robinson, Biggio and Bagwell (the latter - so small, yet so strong!), Ray Ray (so manly!) and Ed Reed, etc.

Those combinations, though, are because the men in charge often had the good sense not to trade one of their cornerstones. There are other combinations in sports that result because, well, maybe one of the athletes harbors a distinct fascination for playing alongside - sharing a locker room, seats on the team bus, and even a hotel room - the other.

Think Cuttino Mobley and Steve Francis, for example. They found comfort in each other in Houston and Orlando, two cities as radically different as the redneck and aged populations that inhabit them. Frankly speaking, I'm sure Cuttino would love to cut and run from his current non-playoff-attending gig with the Clip Show for his secret lover's similar non-playoff-attending-and-even-farther-from-relevance gig in New York.

Still, basketball is an individual game, so the reliance on teammates for support is somewhat less, even in a busy, multiple-month travel schedule. A different type of game altogether is hockey, where teammmates travel all over hell and gone (sometimes literally - I mean, have you people been to Vancouver?) and often rely on each other through the grind of a long, hard, physical season.

Hockey's answer to Will and Grace, er, Cuttino and Steve: Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne.

The difference lies, of course, in ability. Selanne - a former kindergarten teacher (like Princess Diana! Ooh, the ravishing one!) and Kariya are two of the best scorers in recent NHL history. But... and this is a rather sizable but - they seem to thrive even more when in each other's company. Consider: from 1995 to 2001, when they overlapped in Anaheim (a second-rate city, I'd say; the martinis at some of the tiki bars near Disney are just horrific), Selanne topped 100 points twice ('97 and '99), and Kariya also did it twice ('96 and '99).

That '99 season, it stands to reason, probably consisted of a few awkward moments - we've all been there, let's be honest - such as a couple of elongated hugs in the hallway, a few sidelong glances on the first line as some stupid gimmick was transpiring in the stands, a harmless comment in the locker room about "loving Kariya," or a kiss blown in one direction after a perfectly placed pass, the interpretation of which (the kiss) was left to the imagination above all else.

This was, indeed, Kariya and Selanne circa the turn of the century. They reunited in 2003-2004 with the Avalanche; Selanne scored 16 times (well, on the ice, at least), and Kariya lit the red light (literally, of course - we're not talking figuratively just yet) 32 times. Selanne departed again, back to Anaheim, and Kariya eventually found his way to Nashville.

So now, as the playoffs march on, one continues with a chance at Lord Stanley, and the other sits at home, eliminated by his best friend's former squad, San Jose. They fight separate battles at this moment in time - the frozen moment, if you will - but they will always, and forever, be linked to each other. That's the power of the winter of '99, and the moments in California that two grown men, swift on ice and in body, will never forget.

Friday, April 27, 2007

The Weak Ender

Are those what I think they are? Where do you get off having (breasts)?

Obviously Los Angeles Times columnist Mike Penner was a big fan of the Joyce Hyser-vehicle, Just One of the Guys. (And maybe Fletch should speak out on this, but how come Hilary Swank didn’t thank Hyser during her Oscar acceptance speech? But that’s for another time.) One does wonder if Penner was harassed by William Zabka in the cafeteria at the LA Times building. If not Zabka, maybe T.J. Simers running around in a pair of weight lifting gloves.

Not to make fun of Penner, because making an announcement like that takes a lot of balls. Which, incidentally, he is going to get rid of. But still, it is a little startling to pick up the sports section and read about a columnist under going a sex change. That’s more apt for a plot-line in Nip/Tuck, instead of sports page fodder.

ANYBODY FEEL A DRAFT?

Who is going to be the biggest bust in the draft? Wrong, the guy the Raiders draft will be the second biggest bust. Unless, of course, the Raiders select Calvin Johnson. Made a list of receivers who were first-round busts over at the FanHouse. The list isn’t pretty. The top receivers chosen in the draft from 2000-05 include Peter Warrick, David Terrell, Donte Stallworth, Charles Rogers, Larry Fitzgerald and Braylon Edwards. Outside of Fitzgerald, that group has dropped more balls than Mike Penner’s doctor. Drafting a receiver first is more risky than probably any other position. So it only makes sense that the Raiders are probably going to draft Johnson and let him become a brooding, underachiever under the tutelage of Randy Moss and Jerry Porter.

Brady Quinn would make a perfect Raiders quarterback, considering his propensity for losing to his rivals. He would fit in with the Raiders who haven’t beaten an AFC West opponent since Lane Kiffin was in high school. Oh wait, that was last year. But in all seriousness, Quinn gets a bad rap for losing to USC. Troy Aikman lost to USC every year, too, and he ended up doing pretty well. Don’t underestimate the importance of Quinn playing in a pro-style offense for two years.

Chargers running back Michael Turner will likely get dealt during the draft. But what NFL team would want to get fleeced by A.J. Smith again? Yeah, probably the Giants.

  • No truth to the rumor that Penner really wants a spot in the band Poison?
  • Tony Stewart likened NASCAR to professional wrestling. And then Jeff Gordon hit him over the head with a metal folding chair.
  • Is anybody else keeping an eye on the Lakers series in the hopes that Kobe will drop 100 in a game?


THE LINKS

UCR does turn out some good people. Troy Percival is giving back.

Why does Fletch have to hate on Nic Cage?

What fictional sporting event would you want to attend?

The Sports Hernia unveils ESPN's Draft Guru.


AND FINALLY

The Yankees are rushing former Foothill star Phil Hughes up to the Major Leagues. Hey, the Angels evidentially have some pitching they are looking to unload. Not that the Yankees are going to trade Alex Rodriguez following his hot start for the Yankees, but he would be perfect for the Angels. Especially with the hot April starts, considering that the Angels don’t start playing seriously until well into the season.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Wave the Bloody Sock

Baltimore Orioles broadcaster Gary Thorne called into question Ulysses S. Grant's Curt Schilling's bloody sock from the 2004 ALCS, saying it was a hoax. Thorne went on to also call out the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Al Davis as mere figments of the imagination.

Nobody outside of the dopes that live in Hampton Beach and ESPN's Bill Simpson actually believe that was blood on Schilling's sock, right? More people probably believe that Barry Bonds isn't using steroids.

Maybe it is time for Schilling to come clean. The Red Sox rallied from 0-3 to beat the hated Yankees, but over time, all anybody will remember is Schilling trying to martyr himself with a bloody sock.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bonds Impending Demise

Let's be honest, all of us (outside of Conrad Bain) want to see Barry Bonds get injured before he breaks the all-time home run record.

No, yes you do.

But how would you like to see it done? One guy on the radio today had one of the best suggestions when he said that he wanted Bonds to get eaten by a shark. That's pretty good, but what other possible ways would you like to see Bonds go down? Personally, it would be great to see a pitcher hit Bonds' plastic armband so hard, that it shatters into a hundred pieces, with the biggest piece lodging into Bonds' lung. Either that, or Bonds finds himself locked in a room where he has to watch The Fan on a continuous loop.

Quit Crying Strahan

Poor Mikey Strahan doesn't much like the NFL. He told the New York Post as much:

"You want to be an NFL star? You want to stand in my shoes? Let's say one day I came to you and offered you a million dollars to let me take a huge hunting knife and wear down the blade until it was rusty and really dull. Then, when it's really dull and nasty, I would stick it into a pit of burning coals until the blade was white-hot. Finally, I would pull that sucker out of the flames and stab you over and over and over again. Take that blade and stab you in the ankles, your feet and your wrists. Not just stick it in but turn. Every single year I have somebody sink this awful, dreadful blade into a few parts of my body."


Boo hoo. Now, many people would say that Strahan gets paid a lot of money and that he should suck it up. And you are right, but it goes much deeper than that. Listening to all of these athletes and actors, who have worked so hard to get to where they are complain about it is sickening. If you didn't want to go through all of that stuff Michael, you could have just walked away like Tiki Barber did. To complain about the horrors of the NFL, yet show up for training camp just makes you look like a huge dope.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Give Cuban A Cigar

The Dallas Mavericks have taken a page from the old Boston Garden by cranking the heat in the visitor's locker room prior to Game 1 of the NBA playoffs. Why not go all the way and have Takashi pour liquid heat on the jocks of the Warriors? No wonder Golden State feels so invincible against these stiffs. If the Mavericks are going to resort to chicken (expletive) ploys like this, you can't like their chances.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Career Over?

Damn, Rumors and Rants already used that joke, and have even advanced the common assumption that Eric Gagne was using steroids. And a year ago, we would have probably agreed with them. But to dismiss Gagne's meteoric rise as steroid abuse might be a little bit of a disservice. Plenty of closers were once failed starters. Dennis Eckersley was probably the most famous to go from starter to dominant closer when his career stalled. Eck was a one-time 20-game winner who became an average starter before his career was reborn in the bullpen. Dave Righetti was an decent starter (with a no-hitter) who became a dominant closer. So it's not unusual for it to happen.

Gagne was pretty strong in the early part of his starts, but was taken apart during his second time through the order. A problem he wouldn't have as a closer. Besides, he never looked like a juicer like Barry Bonds or Jeremy Giambi. That can only lead to one possible conclusion:

He was on the juice. Sorry baseball. All players of this era are going to be guilty until proven innocent. This wouldn't be the case if you had taken care of the problem earlier. So now every record will draw a raised eyebrow.

The Simpsons Still Have It

People believe that the Simpsons might have lost its fastball, but this clip says otherwise.

The Post Mortem



This was THN's view of Saturday night's Angels game. Maybe too close for MLB Jennifer who had Jose Guillen hit on her, Mike Napoli flash her the rock on sign and Richie Sexon discuss his twins. And Ichiro would not respond to our request to sign a free agent deal with the Angels next year. Getting spoiled by those seats are really easy. Especially for a guy that typically spends most Angels games in left field.

And why is it, anytime you score seats in a luxury box or in the Diamond Club that the Angels put on its most time efficient game, like, ever? Bartolo Colon threw only 77 pitches. He didn’t take any leisurely strolls around the mound or anything. Colon was already in his windup before Napoli even returned the ball. Not that you can complain with seats like that, just that it ended too soon.

NICE PITCHING STAFF YANKEES

The Red Sox and Columbus Clippers series was a letdown. Everybody is raving about the Red Sox, back-to-back-to-back-to-back homeruns against Skeet Ulrich, or whomever that was pitching for the Yankees. Is that all? The Red Sox should have done that every inning. Seriously, even the most ardent baseball fan has never heard of those guys that the Yankees are starting. How were these games even this close? The Red Sox should have blown out the Yankees, but instead had to come back three times to win. Maybe the Red Sox didn’t have an advance scouting report on these guys, but they should have really pounded those guys.

And when will the Yankees become desperate enough for pitching that they will deal Alex Rodriguez for Joe Saunders? Not that Bill Stoneman would give up such a prized piece like Saunders for A-Rod, but we can dream. Besides, most Yankees fans will tell you today that A-Rod is a choker because he made the final out against Jonathan Papelbon.

What is with the "mean" face Papelbon is making on the mound? He looks like a fifth-grader trying to look tough. No wonder nobody can hit him; they are too busy holding back laughter.
  • Sad news, Angels announcer Steve Physioc has been fired from his job for referring to catch Mike Napoli as "Nappy." The PC police have gone too far with this one. And yes, that’s a joke, but it wouldn’t surprise you if it was true.
  • Still going to have a hard time getting excited for the NBA playoffs, despite Denver and Golden State stealing Game 1 victories. That would only mean something if the series was best-of-five. But it really means nothing in a seven-game series. Do you really think that the Nuggets are going to hang on against the Spurs? Although Golden State has had some success against Dallas winning, what, six consecutive games against the top seed in the West? Still, expect both teams to be blown out in the next game.
  • Who are these guys still pitching to Barry Bonds? You have to imagine that pitchers aren’t as outraged as the rest of the world because they were likely using steroids, too. The only guy not on the juice was Jamie Moyer, and he doesn’t throw hard enough to hurt anybody.



AND FINALLY

Jean Strahan had a garage sale, selling off her ex-husbands old stuff. If only there was a way to sell the dive Brett Favre took for Strahan to get the single-season sack record. Some customers noted that some of the suits for sale seemed a little too slender. Like they were cut for a lanky corner back instead. Strange.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Liberace's NBA Preview

The playoffs must be tough for Tim Hardaway to enjoy, seeing that one of the competitors could be a homosexual. To Hardaway, any guy that wears a tank-top and shorts is gay, or at least that is what his partner in the pride march told him. So you can see why he gets confused watching NBA basketball. That is why THN invited Liberace back for what will now be a weekend feature, weeding out the homosexual athletes in sports. Even though Liberace is all man, he somehow has an eye for this kind of thing. The only thing he asked for in return was a dressing room with a peep hole next to Conrad Bain.

Again, thanks go out to the Price Above Bip Roberts, who has loaned Liberace to us. (Remember that litigious NBA ball players.)


Hello, friends. I'm back again, and ravishing. It's a Saturday afternoon, one of my favorite cities - San Francisco - finally has a team back in the NBA postseason, and right now, another dynamic little three-horse town of American life, Chicago, is beating Miami, which I always thought tried a little too hard, if you know what I mean.

I'm fascinated by the NBA's second season, and not just because of the cities themselves, which range from ab fab (even Oakland has its high points!) to "don't even reference for fear of being named a social pariah" (ahem, Dallas). I like the boys in shorts and sneaks, too: the players make the game go round. The players are the reason why I love this game.

With apologies to John A. in advance - he'll have a nice bubble bath, drawn with rose petals, waiting when his time with The Maker comes - I have realized that every team in these playoffs has one contender for, well, my side of the fence. Here now, who they are, why I love them, and why I wouldn't mind asking how much that doggy in the window truly is:

Dallas: Avery Johnson himself. A nattily attired, vocal leader - like the best among us - Avery's voice is the dead give-away. He screeches in a way that's at once annoying yet lovable, nails-down-the-blackboard yet sentimental, as if reminding you of a time long ago, when things were so much better. His men take orders from him like no other, first as a point guard, then as an assistant, and now as a coach. Avery is the true metrosexual leader.

Phoenix: Steve Nash. That do! Those slick passing moves! No one could be so agile, yet so fashionable, and not at least think about tickling the Ivories with moi. His floppy hair is more than just a "passing fancy" for many young girls and boys. His wife and twins? Beard. And fakes.

San Antonio: Manu Ginobili. Again, dapper to a fault, European in his graciousness and team mentality, and he does that cute little thing with the corner of his mouth when Cheryl Miller interviews him. I think it might have - at one point - been Tony for this team, but Eva might be one of the few who has the power to turn a man back to the pink team.

Utah: Remember when Andrei's wife said that he could have one transgression a year, on the road? She may have said "with a woman," but she meant: "with either..." Andrei would do it. His goofiness hides a suave interior that oftentimes outwardly projects. AK-47, indeed! Tee hee!

Houston: Mr. Kirk Snyder. I've longed dreamed of having a boy named Kirk - Cameron caught my fancy up here, but many moons ago, in my boyhood days in Wisconsin, a young strapping lad named Kirk lived across the street. Often, at the local park, he'd play kickball with the other lads as I sat doodling in the dirt with a stick, making fine geometric patterns far too advanced for my age. He never said hi to me, but once - a lone occurence where he passed by, and nodded ever so gracefully, adding, almost in passing, "Nice trapezoids." It didn't matter that there were, in fact, NO trapezoids etched in dirt; what mattered was Kirk. Mr. Snyder, you can Clutch the City of my heart any day.

Denver Nuggets: Eduardo Najera, why must you forsake me? Your stately good looks, and fine, sinewy figure - hiding a potent athleticism that few (Kelvin Sampson, maybe a couple others...) actually know. George Karl doesn't know how to get the best of you, but I would...

Los Angeles Lakers: Mr. Luke Walton, if this Brittney Spears is true, I can only hope you're actually a member of my side of the great universal equation, and this is something she feels she needs for her career. Girl couldn't carry a tune in a paper bag anyhoo. You are somewhat striking, the way your bangs hang down over your face; she isn't at all, the way she's bald and drug-addled and a total slut and a bad musician...

Golden State: J-Rich, the way you soar gives me goosebumps. Your majestic flight, like that of an eagle, is truly an art form; your soft skin reflects off the glow of the collected majesty of San Francisco and Oakland - MY cities - and the luminence could fill up 10,000 arenas. While you're up there, could you kiss the heavens for me? Oh, and get me Mateen's number, too.

Eastern Conference

Detroit Pistons: Richard Hamilton, there's no need to hide behind so many masks. There's one mask you universally wear - hiding your true feelings from the world. Admit it: when Larry Brown made you guys better, you wanted nothing MORE and nothing LESS than to plant a big, fat, wet one right on his lemon-looking old man visage. That's how I often feel about you as you glide, Nash-like yet in your own way even more poignant, down the lane.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Z, with a little fine tuning, you might turn from Frankenstein into the Prince. I realize I just mixed metaphors there, but let's be honest: when discussing a city like Cleveland, there isn't much that should be off-limits. The place is hell on Earth.

Toronto Raptors: Andrea Bargnani, there's a reason you were number one last year. You're also number one in my heart: you see, I like - and appreciate - a man with some wordly nature to him. Only living in one place, doing one thing, existing one way - that gets boring. You've seen things, places, and people that I have as well, but we're two of a kind. Hold my hand, and I'll protect you from the devious glances of Samuel Mitchell.

Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade, do you really think - for a second - that a man can be that cosmopolitan, appear on that many magazine covers, strut that many runways, and sneak by me? NEVER! I'm onto you, Flash. Fall down 7 times, indeed. Stand up 8? Perhaps not with my people around.

Chicago Bulls: Andreas Noicioni, there was an image of you last year, right when the Bulls clinched a playoff berth. It was in slow motion, in Chicago, with the lights behind you, illuminating and highlighting your features. You tossed the ball to the rafters, full of glee and merriment, and I thought to myself: YES! YES! BE FREE! TAKE NOTHING FROM ANY MAN! Your spirit emboldens me, and your city. You are, indeed, one of us.

New Jersey Nets: Mr. Richard Jefferson, please see my comments to Mr. Wade above.

Washington Wizards: Uh, no. No one even vaguely qualifies. OK, maybe Darius Songalia. But I won't touch him with Harvey Firestein's you-know-what.

Orlando Magic: Travis Diener, you don't play enough. You come from a good ol' fashioned basketball family in Wisconsin - like me, without the sports! - and you have that whole floppy-headed, boy-finding-his-way-in-the-world-amongst-men thing going on. It's just so darling; I want to come over and pinch your cheeks, and rub them for good luck and good measure. Stand up to Brian Hill! Tell him you're in the lineup more! Tell him Wisconsin must represent! And as you do so, blow a kiss into the air and leave it there, gently. I'll be waiting.

Past Liberace Articles:
Mike Pizza: Female Dog


Friday, April 20, 2007

The Weak Ender

Victoria’s Secret has selected Danica Patrick as the sexiest female athlete. Because yeah, that "deer-in-the-headlights" gaze is just super sexy. She looks like a mix between the "runaway bride" and Terry Schiavo. And shouldn’t the sexiest athlete, you know, be an actual athlete?

Derek Jeter won on the men's side. So at least there is something going right for the Yankees captain. Do you think that Jeet is a little upset privately because of all of the success that A-Rod has experienced so far this season? Jeter probably relished the fact that A-Rod not only had to switch positions, but struggled in the postseason. That gave Jeter super hero status in Gotham City.

If A-Rod continues this streak through the season and into the playoffs, there is a very good chance that he will be recognized as the greatest baseball player of his generation. In a year when Gomer Manning finally climbed the top, anything is possible. The only thing that could make this parallel more apt would be for Joe Torre to come out and denounce homosexuals.

  • Speaking of the Yankees, they start one of many series with the Red Sox this weekend. And already, Calvin Cowheard was making a big deal out of it. Sorry, this series is starting to play out like a Rocky movie. So much so that they might as well have Tommy Morrison throw out the first pitch tonight.
  • Who is going to be this year’s Detroit, aka America's Team? The Twins maybe? The Indians might be a little young and seriously, they are responsible for this whole A-Rod is clutch deal, so it can’t be them. Maybe it's time to invoke the best interest of baseball clause to give the Angels a few hitters to help balance the power.
  • The Anaheim Ducks won a playoff series. Oh no, it’s almost time to jump on the hockey bandwagon. No, seriously. You can’t consider yourself a real SoCal sports fan unless you are willing to jump on the bandwagon of one the participants of one of the fringe sports. There is a Ducks hat in the closet, right next to an Avengers jersey. Bring on the Red Wings! Does Paul Kariya still play hockey?
  • Speaking of fringe sports, the NBA playoffs start its 12-week odyssey towards crowning its championship tonight. Good lord, the NBA playoffs are not boring because they space the games out so much, but what happened to the best-of-five first round series? At least there was the possibility of an upset. The Lakers would have beaten the Suns last year in the first round. But now, there won’t be any upsets, other than the fans who have to buy extra tickets to the games because NBA teams still mail-in performances in the playoffs like they are the Celtics tanking games to get a higher lottery slot. The NBA would be a lot more interesting if the first two playoff rounds were best-of-five, followed by a best-of-seven for the conference and NBA Finals. That would mean less money through ticket revenue, but at least the teams would have to try hard every night.


The Links

How is it that everybody, other than the Angels coaching staff, knows that Ervin Santana sucks during day games? And you didn't want the Angels to trade him.

The Five Tool Tool is reveling in his fantasy pick of A-Rod.

Sports Dad on a European Vacation.

Fletch reviews of Half Nelson.

Drugging your female party guests is bad, according to the Steroid Nation.

The Sports Hernia chronicles the legend of Amobi Okoye.

AND FINALLY

It is 4:20, brah!

Kevin, from the Kevin and Bean morning show on KROQ, made a great point today in that Matthew McConaughey could win an Oscar, but he will never surpass his role as David Wooderson in Dazed and Confused. Kind of the same way that Sean Penn is still Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Of course, 4/20 coincides with the announcement that three prospects in this year’s draft admitted that they smoked pot, including WR Calvin Johnson. Oh my, college kids smoking pot? Of course, Flash Warner thinks this makes Johnson a slam dunk for the Raiders.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Eddings Still Sucks

Umpire Doug Eddings, obviously smarting from all of the attention that Joey Crawford has recently received, went out of his way to reclaim his title of biggest douche nozzle of an official.

How you ask? By making fun of David Wells weight. The following took place after Eddings missed a few calls last night. (Go figure.)

Following a bang-bang play at first -- where Eddings ruled that Thompson missed first base, allowing Callaspo to reach -- Wells boiled over.

But he said Eddings took it a step further as the umpire "rubbed his belly" as if to call Wells "fat."

Said Wells: "I thought (Thompson's) foot was on (the bag). Replay shows it did and that's where the frustration comes out ... I understand they're trying to do their job as well. You get riled up. I got riled up. I said, 'You didn't miss one, you missed two.' Things started heating up and he was over there chirping and chirping and he tossed me out. Then he made a gesture ... that to me is stepping over the line. I take it personally."


Well played Doug, you are the undisputed king of the a-hole officials.

Las Vegas Scandal



Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton are protesting the latest edition of the Las Vegas Strip. (All right, let’s see some captions in the comments section.)

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Can't Hate Swisher

And with the Angels season heading the way that it is (more on that in a second), hating Nick Swisher was looking to be the highlight of the season. But no, Swish is actually a good guy. The A's slugger is growing his hair out, but not to be a media whore like Johnny Damon or Jason Giambi; instead Swisher is growing his hair out to donate to cancer patients.

My hair right now is at 7 ½ inches and I plan to grow it out all the way through April. I want to get the word out there, maybe draw some attention and raise some money. Then I'll have it all chopped off. I might look a little goofy with a shaved head but better me than a woman who already has cancer, right?


You know when you meet a celebrity you admire and they turn out to be a total a-hole? That is devastating, right? Well, finding out that somebody you hate is actually doing a pretty cool thing is worse. So kudos to Swisher on this.

  • The Angels offense is past pathetic right now. So much so that maybe we need to think up a good nickname for it. But this can’t be viewed as a surprise to anybody other than Bill Stoneman. When the Angels of the 1980s came inches from the World Series, they went out swinging with guys like Reggie Jackson, Bobby Grich and Doug DeCinces. Now this current crop of Angels aren’t even trying. The minor-league approach is nice, if it’s a supplement to acquiring real talent. But what happens when those prized prospects such as Dallas McPherson don’t pan out? You get Punch-and-Judy Izturis playing third base and batting second. The team is so depressing right now.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Alyssa Milano Blogs In Her Underwear

Or least one can dream, right? Alyssa Milano is blogging about baseball on MLB.com and she’s kind of huffy about it, as noted by With Lethur:

Jeeze. Tough crowd. Yes, I really write this blog. Yes, I am a huge baseball fan. Yes, I’ve read all of your comments that you’ve left for me (ouch). No, this isn’t for publicity. And no, my entries won’t come and go like the other high profile blogs you are referring to (of which I am not aware but shame on them).

I have no way of proving any of this to you except to keep going. You’ll just have to take my word for it. I will hopefully convert the doubters. It will be my mission.


Yeah, but does she have Cappy? No she does not. Scoreboard, THN! Alyssa is just another in a long line of celebrity hotties who have taken to the blogs, starting with Elisa Cuthbert who did a hockey blog for NHL.com. And hell, we'll suspend reality long enough to believe that she is actually writing the thing herself.

But a couple of notes, first, she's a Dodgers fan. And there are just some things you just can't overcome. This is one of them.

Second, her blog is aptly titled, Touch 'Em All. Where, if the rumors of her many MLB suitors are only have true, seems more like a personal goal than a working title for her baseball memoirs.

Tiki Should Move On

Tiki Barber has retired from the Giants, but he refuses to let go of his junior high-like feud with Tom Coughlin.

"Tom is the way he is; he's not going to change, and that's fine," he said. "Just as it's his prerogative to coach that way and treat people the way he does, it's my prerogative to do something else and give you a reason why."

Later, he added, "If I was lying, if I said, 'Tom was a great guy,' that he said, 'Tiki, I know you're hurt, take a day off,' or if we screwed up he didn't yell at me and said, 'OK, Tiki,' with positive reinforcement, then I'd be lying and I'd be wrong."


Tiki also said that he was like, totally going to slam Coughlin on his myspace page, and like totally ban him from his friends list. As the People's Champ pointed out a while back, Coughlin pretty much salvaged Tiki’s career by teaching him how to hold on to the football. And does Coughlin get a little gratitude? Nope. Coughlin doesn’t even get the benefit of the doubt from a former player who would probably be better off just taking the high road on this whole thing.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Keep LT Safe

Many of you have probably seen this already, but THN would be remiss if this was not mentioned; there is a petition to keep LaDainian Tomlinson off of the Madden cover. Please take the time to signing seeing that keeping LT away from the Madden franchise is a worthy endeavor.

Long-time readers of THN also would probably like to keep LT away from the Chunky Soup commercials, too. The less famous of the sports endorsement curses, but just as harmful to a playing career. In fact, some might even argue that it is more harmful than the actual Madden curse.

Edited to add: Vince Young will be the new Madden cover boy. The curse already hit his wonderlic score. Do you think we will ever see a day where contracts will forbid players for appearing on the cover of Madden or do a pitch for Chunky Soup? There should be.

Additional edit: Sorry, folks, it is worse than we thought. LT is going to be a part of the Chunky Soup Mama's Boys. So sorry.

Virginia Tech Shooting

How many of you, when hearing about the Virginia Tech shooting, immediately asked the question, "Where was Marcus Vick?"

Don’t go soft on us now.

The Post Mortem

Garret Anderson dodged a bad-publicity bullet this weekend when Sunday's game at Boston was postponed. Anderson had drawn some criticism for his refusal to wear No. 42 in honor of Jackie Robinson Day. Or as Seitz put it, "Why won't Garret Anderson just shut up and wear the No. 42 like all of us white people are telling him to?"

Anderson was able to avoid more abuse with the rainout of the Red Sox/Angels game. Fittingly, the Angels scored nearly as many runs on Sunday that they had in their entire series in Boston. Hopefully today's contest will be rained out, too.

Funny thing though, while watching the Dodgers and Padres, the broadcast theme centered around the lack of black ball players in Major League Baseball. And while the number of black players is lower, percentage wise, look at the number of Hispanic and Asian players in the game. Jackie Robinson opened the doors of baseball for all people of color, not just the African-American community. Maybe ESPN should have spent more time focusing on the fact that baseball is one of the most integrated sports in America.

  • And maybe his name was mentioned, but is there ever going to be any credit given to Larry Doby, the first black player in the American League? He and Buzz Aldrin should hang out and grouse.


NBA NO LAUGHING MATTER

Tim Duncan was ejected from Sunday's game for apparently laughing at official Joey Crawford—from the bench. Duncan was sitting on the bench with the Fresh Prince of San Antonio when the duo apparently laughed at one of Crawford’s calls. That was enough for Duncan to draw his second technical and get expelled from the game.

(There also is a similar rule when yours truly performs stand up comedy, fortunately nobody ever laughs.)

The best part of this story is that Crawford allegedly challenged Duncan to a fight. How the NBA keeps this referee employed? Obviously Crawford feels that he is bigger than the game. Eddie Guns might wear tight referee shirts, but you can’t imagine him doing something like this. (And really, no NFL player would want a piece of Guns.)

  • Wait a minute, there is debate about the Pro Football Hall of Fame credentials of Drew Bledsoe? That can't be serious, right? Bledsoe was decent during his NFL career, but the Hall of Fame? Think of the recent class of guys such as Troy Aikman, John Elway, et all… does Bledsoe even approach that tier of quarterbacks? Plus he was pushed out of Buffalo by J.P. Losman and out of Dallas by Carrie Underwood's future husband. That doesn't really make a compelling case.
  • The Giants signed Anthony Wright to be one of Eli Messiah's backups. Once again, proving the theory that the Giants don't want a competent backup who the fans would clamor for instead of Eli. Very shrewd Giants, very shrewd.


AND FINALLY

This is why you don't complain about other team's motives. Elton Brand was upset that Minnesota star (and future Lakers forward) Kevin Garnet was shutting it down for the rest of the season. Brand felt that Garnet, whose Timberwolves could play spoiler to some of the teams the Clippers are competing against, should stick it out. Well, Brand should have pointed his finger at his teammates who decided to take Sunday off, losing to Sacramento. A team that sat most of its starters. That's fitting.

But why are teams complaining about other teams not in the playoff race? If the Clippers didn’t want to be in this situation, they should have just won more games.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Weak Ender

True story. Actually spent some time looking for the Lakers/Clippers score last night after watching Scrubs. Now, that might not seem like much commitment to the NBA, but probably the biggest effort ever put into an NBA regular season game for quite some time. So that's progress, considering it is much easier to just listen to T.J. Simers talk about it the next day on the radio.

And speaking of the LA talking heads, what was up with everybody yesterday predicting a Lakers victory? Now, the NFL is certainly guilty of having teams mail it in on some weeks, but it is a damn near precedent in the NBA. The Clippers needed a win to remain alive in the playoffs. The Lakers are almost assured of a playoff spot.

Yeah, who was going to win that one?

And when you look at it, the playoffs are more important to the Clippers than they are to the Lakers. A playoff appearance for the Clippers is akin to an NBA championship for the Lakers. Even if the Clippers lose in the first round, just being in the playoffs gives the program legitimacy that its sorely been lacking. The Clippers will go back to the same old sorry Clippers if they fall short again. Now looking at the Clippers schedule, who is still good? There was a time when Sacramento and Portland would be a death march, and the Phoenix game would be a breeze, but that isn't the case now, is it?

The Clipper Spirit pictured above is Harmony. Now, isn't that a (female dog) when you fill out your Clipper Spirit application and accidentally put down your stage name instead of your real one. Burn.

And for those of you wondering, your Miami Heat (led by the lovely and former TWE girl Katherine on the right) are again your champions in the NBA.com, come click on a bunch of pictures contest.

  • The Lakers need to take CS Fullerton point guard Bobby Brown. He has to be an upgrade over Smush Parker, and at least he won't be afraid to get involved in the game. And he also hates to play defense, making him the perfect Lakers.

  • Drew Bledsoe has retired. Damn. Watching an immobile Bledsoe play behind the Raiders offensive line would have been a fitting end to his career. Instead he took the easy way out. What a tough year this has been for defensive backs, losing Bledsoe and Jake Plummer. At least Brett Favre is still around to toss some interceptions.
  • The hockey playoffs have started in earnest this week, the same week in which Don Imus was fired. Now, which one were you most surprised to find out was actually still around?



THE LINKS

Sports Hernia had a really good week, a couple of great posts here revolving around the PacMan Jones fallout and look at some of the hockey fights.

The Wade Blogs has a nice look back on Kurt Vonnegut. Who, you might remember, caused Thorton Melon to fail a test in Back to School.

Zach LS debates on whether he would like to know (in the biblical sense) a women college hoops player. We all know which way Imus voted.

That is a bonus picture of Katherine for those of you who clicked over to Zach's page and Candice Parker's mug.

Awful Announcing will have its own Mock Draft on Monday (including THN picking for the Chargers). But Benny over the Sports Pulse found this incredibly humorous mock draft from The Brushback. And that, my friends, was probably the most links dropped in a minute.

Here is a Cleveland fan's view of the series in Milwaukee. Via the real Will Leitch at Deadspin.

Remember this Titan, Denzel Washington's son is off to play in NFL Europe, via Steroid Nation.

AND FINALLY

The Angels dropped a tough one in Cleveland, err, Milwaukee yesterday. Scot Shields will get the brunt of the blame for walking two and giving up a three-run bomb to that one guy. But this is going to happen when you try to win all of your games 3-1, or 4-2. This is going to happen when your margin for error is so small. Expect more games like this because it will be impossible to expect the pitching staff to be perfect every time they step out on the field.

BTW, Troy Glaus belted another home run this week. But hey, Dallas McPherson might one day walk again.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Spring Football

Reader Walter Melton sent along a couple of videos to get everybody in the mood for some spring football. The first video is about a guy who had to make the difficult decision of sticking around for the end of an Alabama football game and his wedding. He made the right choice.



Seriously, that guy was stable. The next guy... not so much. This guy believes that he can actually put a hex on the opposing team, like he is Scott Baio in Zapped.



He can't be very good at it if he Auburn's record this season is any indication.

The Battle of LA

The Lakers and Clippers battle tonight in an epic game that could very well determine the playoff fate of one of these teams, sending the loser possibly to the NBA Draft Lottery. And you know what?

Still can't care about the game at all.

Seriously. Neither of these teams are very compelling at all. The Clippers have been a huge disappointment. The playoff run last year was merely a mirage. And the only thing about the Lakers are Kobe Bryant and who Luke Walton may or may not be dating. If the NBA was smart, they would have Kerry Fraser call this game, (although he would have trouble figuring out which LA team to root against), ensuring that the Lakers would lose. Having the Lakers miss the playoffs is paramount to the long-term success of the NBA. That way, the league could fix the lottery, and have the Lakers end up with Greg Oden (who looks older than Kareem Abdul Jabbar), and then trade Andrew Bynum to Minnesota for Kevin Garnett. That would make the NBA watchable next year.

Otherwise the NBA will just end up giving the first pick to the Celtics, only to have the dude die on them.

Tennis Anyone?

Shoes and socks baby, socks and shoes
We spent the night last night in Newport News
We met this chick last night who looked like Elisabeth Shue
We got bruised

--The Hold Steady, The Swish

Haven't really thought about Elisabeth Shue much, outside of that song. But she's back in the news, and no, not for a remake of Adventures in Babysitting. Shue is going to embark on a professional tennis career because, let’s be honest, tennis players really don't hit their stride until they get into their 30s. Kind of like gymnastics. Seriously, wasn't Jennifer Capriati in rehab by age 12 and retired before her senior prom?

Maybe Elisabeth can team with her brother, Andrew Shue, to form a mixed doubles team because that poor bastard could really use the work. Even he tried that professional soccer thing. Although Andrew probably didn’t have much of a choice because Hollywood probably wasn't burning up that phone line.

And this, of course, will stir a debate about Elizabeth’s best movie role, and the Sports Dork's fans will scream Karate Kid, and fans of prostitutes will say Leaving Las Vegas. And hey, there might even be a call for the Back to the Future gigs, but hands down, her best movie was Cocktail. Not many people can get dumped by Gina Gershon and rebound so nicely in one flick. Fletch will likely disagree.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

How the Lakers Have Fallen

And not just in the win/loss column. Luke Walton is reportedly set to go on his first date with Britney Spears.

Maybe that's fitting. Like Britney, the Lakers are so 2001.

But this probably has to do with Kobe. Not in an Eagle, Colo. way. Some chicks might be into that. No, by trading Shaq, the Lakers have now fallen to the point where they are no longer a championship contender, but the players are forced to date fading pop stars.

What's next, Andrew Bynum being seen on the arm of Tiffany? Brian Cook will be seen nuzzling up with Gloria Estafan?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Jose Guillen: Froot Loop

One of baseball's best rivalries rekindled on Tuesday when Jose Guillen and Brendan Donnelly got ejected. Well, maybe baseball is kind of lame when one of its most heated battles is waged between a middle reliever and a journeyman outfielder that has worn out his welcome in every one of his Major League stops. But when word got out that the Red Sox and Mariners had a heated exchange, there was little doubt that it was Guillen and Donnelly.

Guillen snitched about Donnelly's glove two years ago when he was a member of the Washington Nationals. He ran his mouth when he homered off John Lackey in spring training, and then he ran his mouth when Donnelly struck him out on Tuesday. But then, it seems that Guillen challenged Donnelly to a fist fight.

"I don't need to talk to him," said Guillen. "He doesn't need to talk to me either. We are grown-up people here. If he wants to settle something, he can send a bat boy over here to get me and we can settle it like men. That's all I have to say."


And then Guillen went on to say that his dad could totally kick Donnelly dad's (donkey).

Jon Bon Jovi: Model Owner

Most of you might not know this, but Jon Bon Jovi owns a football team. Sort of. Bon Jovi is the owner of the Philadelphia Soul. And last night he got a little carried away when he perceived that a call went against his team prompting the hair metalist to go all Jake Plummer/Mike Vick with a double-bird salute. The details, from Pro Football Talk:
Bon Jovi showed support for his team on Monday night by showing his middle fingers to game officials handling the team's AFL Monday night contest on ESPN.

And it was all caught on camera.

"I apologize for the middle-finger thing," Bon Jovi said, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer...

Troy Bergeron of the Georgia Force caught the ball on the Philly four-yard-line, fumbled into the end zone, and recovered it for a touchdown.

"I didn't understand the ruling," Bon Jovi said. "[Bergeron] did have possession on the play. He fumbled in the end zone. He recovered the ball. I reacted to something I didn't know the rule on."


Now he knows how all of those fans feel when they pay $80 for a concert ticket and Bon Jovi doesn't sing Every Rose Has Its Thorn. And sure, people are going to dump on Bon Jovi for this, but you really have to admire his spirit. Even though he doesn't know the rules, he still a good owner. It's not like he married the previous owner, had him drowned and then relocated the team.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Milwaukee, It's a Hell of a Town


The Angels and the Cleveland Indians will have its series moved to Milwaukee because of the cold temperatures and snow. Now, not being Dallas Rains, shouldn't Cleveland open on the season at Seattle (dome) and Anaheim because it might be a touch on the cold side? Nice job, geniuses.

Milwaukee, has had its share of visitors over the years. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.

And isn't "Milwaukee an Indian name?

Yes, it is. In fact, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."


Obvious? Yes, but you would disappointed if it wasn't done.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Mr. April

Remember when the Yankees measured the success of a player by what he did in October? Yeah, me either. Now the Yankees are playing "Must win" games in April and talking about getting the monkey off their backs with grand slams against the Orioles in game for of the season, instead of game four of the World Series. But for Alex Rodriguez, he evidentially needs all of the success he can get. This is the kind of thing you would expect from the Kansas City Royals, and not the marquee team in baseball. Holy hell, Yankees fans, have a little self-respect here.

This must be what happens when you go so long without winning a World Series.

"I was so excited. I felt foolish running around the bases like it was Little League. I just remember I almost knocked [Larry] Bowa over at third. I saw the fans kind of rocking behind him. It was kind of cool."

Wasn't this the same thing people were saying when A-Rod had a game winning hit in that World Championship deal last year? Still, is there any superstar you would rather face in a clutch situation than A-Rod? This will do little to deter the notion that he can't win the big one. Until, of course, he actually goes out and does it.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Mike Piazza: Female Dog

Tony Dungy has noted that there is a high number of alleged homosexuals appearing on this site. And he wants it stopped. So in an effort to weed out these sinners, THN has sought out the advice of when of the most swingiest, butches dudes ever, Liberace, to determine who is going to go to hell.

Some might say that the voice of Liberace sounds an awful lot like Ted over at A Price Above Bip Roberts, but that is merely a coincidence. Even though, as a life-long Mets fan, Ted is an Angels fan because of the way they spank the Yankees.

So take it away, Liberace:

"I'm not gay. I'm heterosexual," Mike Piazza said once and for all on Tuesday, May 21, 2002, while still with the Mets. He continued, ever defensive: "I can't control what people think. I date women."

Fine. Be that way.

You know what, Michael? We don't even want you on our team any-damn-way.

See, the issue is moot. Sure, you have a girlfriend, who used to pose nude for heterosexual males to enjoy; sure, you have a child with her. That doesn't matter. Leo dated Gisele, and we all know where he's been. Tom's bagged Katie, and believe me, that might be the first one of those he's seen in a while. What you say and what you do are quite different, Michael, and all the signs are there: the metrosexual attire, the childhood with all brothers, the fact that Lasorda drafted you probably because your dad told him he was "worried" about you, the penchant for performing on stage, the odd poses that seem to always accompany your interviews. You're one of us, Michael. I just wish you were comfortable enough to admit it.

After all, in that same interview, you did say "Baseball is ready for an openly gay player." After that whole controversy in the latter part of the last decade - where someone claimed to be dating an East Coast player who was a perennial All-Star but "not a household name" - people have thought maybe it was you, maybe Scott Rolen (at the time a Phillie), or maybe Brady Anderson (who once stole NFL Adam's girl friend in college). You've been on the run from your true self, Michael, and I just wish you would own up to it.

But, alas, you're not the kind of man who can just do that, and I guess I see where you're coming from. You want to keep up this masquerade of the alpha male lifestyle - signing the big contracts with the various teams to jack home runs all over hell and gone even though your knees are shot farther than hell and gone (and why exactly is that, Michael?). You want all your boys across the MLB - Major Losers Brigade, is what I call it - to think that you embody everything a young man should: being good at sports, making bread, and getting laid by some ridiculously unproportioned female.

But while you're doing this, Michael, while you're living this lie - do you have to hurt me in so many other ways? I mean, sure, I was born in Wisconsin, but I try to forget that period of my life. I lived my best days in California, and even in death, I consider myself a full-on member of the Halo Brigade. I cheered from heaven right alongside the Cowboy in '02 - him with a cigar, I with my chocolate martini - as Garrett and John and company brought one home to all of us north of the clouds. I actually adopted the first Rally Monkey up here when he passed; that's what the Angels mean to me. Heck, all of heaven has to root for them, just because of the moniker, but I'm a true fan.

And of course, after years of denying your love for our clubhouse, you go and club a home run last night to beat my team. You start the season 1 for 12 - everyone in the Bay Area, and believe me, I know a lot of people in the Bay Area, is calling for your head and Frank Thomas to return - and then you decide it'll be a good idea to go yard off K-Rod (that little darling!) in the 9th last night to start a big weekend series? You deny us for so many years, then you beat us with one crack of your bat?

Shame on you, Michael. Shame on you. Someday, when your double life is exposed for the fraud that it is, vengenance shall be mine. And when you get up here, and you look for the comfort of your parents, or Tommy, or even Brady Anderson (yep, he was the one!), you'll just find me, smiling that eerie smile, wanting nothing more than a hug. And Michael, this is when you'll have to make decisions: are you the Michael Piazza you want society to believe you are, or the Michael Piazza you know in your heart you always have been?

In the meantime, though: stay away from the walk offs against my boys. What happens to you up here will just be a wee bit worse if you persist with that.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Weak Ender!



There was some scuffle between the New York Islanders' Ice Girls (who clean up the goal crease during television timeouts) and the goalie for the New York Rangers (Mike Richter?) recently that came as quite a shock. The shock being that the NHL still has a television contract. No seriously, people make fun of the NHL still being on strike, but there was a legitimate question as to whether puck was still shown on TV. Honestly.

Now you might be saying, "What gives THN, how about a picture of these Ice Girls? This is the kind of weak intro you usually use to make a post of some chicks in a state of undress." But after looking at a picture of the Ice Girls (and remember, these are Long Island chicks), the THN editorial board decided it was better just to go with a picture of Elisa Cuthbert, a noted hockey fan and a girlfriend of one of the players. Can't imagine anybody having a problem with that.

  • Phil Mickelson is wasting little time in tanking this year's Master's. Actually he could get back into this race if he shoots in the sixties today. (And here is the point where a gratuitous joke about his weight would be appropriate, but not going to do it.) Michelson's new coach Alex Rodriguez can't explain why Mickelson is folding.
  • Florida offensive lineman Ronnie Matthew Wilson was arrested Thursday, accused of firing a semiautomatic rifle in the air during a dispute with another man that started in a nightclub. This can’t be surprising because it did happen in Florida. Still, this will increase his chances of being drafted by the…Colts. Yeah, you were thinking Bengals, maybe even Titans, but the Colts have far and away seen more arrests since the Super Bowl than any other team. Peyton Manning being arrested for flashing is forthcoming.
  • Dice K made a masterful debut for the Red Sox by mesmerizing the Kansas City Royals. His Major League debut is expected next week.
  • How is it that we are five days into the new MLB season and the Yankees and Red Sox haven’t played 19 times yet?
  • Billy Donovan is not going to Kentucky. Gators fans shouldn’t get too excited because he still could go to the Miami Heat because he has the right hairstyle.




The Links

  • There is a new site to get your ready for the NFL Draft, Rookiepedia.
  • Calvin Cowherd evidentially pulled off a jerk move on The Big Lead. If you want a good round-up of the action, check out The Big Picture.
  • The Hold Steady get you ready for the MLB season. The Bain still hates baseball.


AND FINALLY

Typical Rangers (expletive), claiming that K-Rod was using a foreign substance on the ball. Maybe after years of watching its own team pitch, Texas can be a little confused by a guy like K-Rod. Yes, other pitchers can make the ball bend and stuff. Not everybody serves up home runs like Vincente Padilla.

Maybe that is why the Rangers were upset, they just couldn't bean K-Rod like they do Vlade.

They Should Just Ban Tiger

Watching the Masters has become about as predictable as watching your average episode of Three's Company. (Good lord, could there be a reference that is more dated?) But it’s true. Phil Mickelson has taken his rightful place of chasing Tiger’s tail in the world of golf and this conclusion is as inevitable as the castaways not being able to escape from Gilligan's Island. (Great, found one.) There will, of course, be one unknown (to the general public) who will make a charge at Tiger at some point over the weekend, only to fall woefully short. But no matter what, we will all tune in to see Tiger make a mockery of the best players in the sport.

For you gamblers out there, is anybody willing to take the field against Tiger? No way.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Don't Be That Guy

There is a classic scene in PCU (that Fletch calls it an underrated movie) where Jeremy Piven's character Droz admonishes John Favreau to "don’t be that guy" wearing the T-shirt of the band he is about to see.

So by the same token, would you advise a cheerleader hopeful not to wear the jersey of the team you are trying out for? Just saying.



There are links to pictures here.