Friday, March 30, 2007

The Weak Ender

At first glance, this seemed like some sort of rip-off of the tournament Zach LS is running over at TBP, but NBA.com is legitimate holding a contest to determine which NBA franchise has the best dance team.

Talk about a NBA playoff that actually is watchable. This is outstanding.

The ironic thing is that the Sacramento Kings actually have a pretty legitimate team. The Cow Town that Phil Jackson often refers to produces some fine farmer’s daughter kind of way. But it should be no surprise that the Miami Heat are the reigning champions in this.

What, did Kobe find a way to run off all of the hot Lakers girls to Miami so they could win the title?

The Heat now has the Lakers coach, center and the NBA’s top dance team.

The biggest disappointment is the Clipper Spirit. Not to say that these girls are skanky, but if they ever wanted to do a sequel to Showgirls, they won't have to look very far. This is the kind of team that makes the Avengers A-Team look like the Rockettes. If anybody else was around for the RHL, they are even lower than the Anaheim Bullfrog girls. (Seeing those girls in clothes instead of on stage at Fritz's Too was surreal.)

And what's the deal with the Celtics squad? Unusually good looking for a New England-based team. Rumor has it that these girls are shipped in from California. Maybe a trade can be worked out with the Clipper Spirit.

THE FINAL FOUR

Can't figure out which way to go with the UCLA game. On one hand, Florida just looks cool and unbeatable. They are unflappable. In the victory over Oregon, the Gators never were seriously threatened because they make the big shots when they counted. So how can you pick against them? At the same time, you can’t discount the Bruins because of that whole revenge factor. Kind of like Duke over UNLV in 1991.

And before Seitz chimes in, the Runnin' Rebels did not throw that game and it’s ridiculous to even think that. Those UNLV players were making sick cash during those days, with sham jobs as valets at the Las Vegas Hilton. There wasn't enough money for them to throw that game, plus somebody would have heard about it. Now, if you wanted to make real money, you could have had the Runnin' Rebels throw a game against Fullerton or Santa Barbara during the regular season. But this team went to every dingy gym in the Big West and won, so the whole "game fixing" thing doesn’t carry much weight because this team had too much pride. Sorry. Duke actually had a good game plan, played the best game of its life, received some favorable homerism from the refs and won by two points.

So for right now, THN is leaning towards the Bruins and the points. But there is something about Ben Howland that screams of Marty Schottenheimer. His Pittsburgh teams always lost in the Sweet 16. So maybe with better talent, he’s doomed for failure in the Final Four now. So for right now, lay the points and take Florida. Tight teams never seem to do well, and right now the Bruins seem tight.

  • With John Thompson III, Patrick Ewing Jr. the only logical question is, "Where the hell is Michael Graham Jr.?" What, he could have been conceived during a conjugal visit, right? No, seriously, what happened to Graham? Jail, right?

  • Lay the .5 in the first half, and 1 point overall on the Hoyas. No team has lived on more borrowed time than Ohio State. Oh, and practice your Dr. Hibbert impersonations before Saturday’s games, will you?
  • Right now, THN is leaning towards UCLA on the money line. And the first half under.
  • From the Desk of Lil' Hater: The NFL has made replay permanent and will install high def cameras in all but three stadiums—Texas Stadium, the Colts dome, and Giants Stadium. Why bother spending $300K to improve the technology at Giants Stadium when the officials are going to give them the calls anyway. At least they are honest about it. They would re-cable Dallas and Indy’s stadiums, too, but they are afraid T.O. or another Dungy family member would use the cable to try and hang themselves. Heyooo! I’ll be here performing at State Line this weekend.
  • Right now, THN likes the Gators on the money line.
  • You know its baseball season when the Angels are back snot-kicking the Dodgers in their own stadium. And congrats to Scot Shields for his huge contract. Be sure to buy us a round at The Catch next week.


THE LINKS

  • Tom Coughlin jokingly compares himself to Hitler. People are probably going to crucify Coughlin for this and yes, Hitler sucks. But that most NFL announcers draw in hyperbole and compare football to battle, is it really that much of a stretch?
  • Check back in this section for updates as cool stuff is found.


AND FINALLY

Florida, lay the points.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Where is Gasol's Fine?

Two days later and still waiting for that fine and suspension to come down on Pau Gasol for his flagrant elbow on Kobe Bryant. Lord knows Kobe already would be suspended if the roles were reversed here. Maybe the league is on a witch hunt for Kobe, as coach Phil Jackson has stated.

And what the hell kind of name is Pau, anyway? That names seems kind of gay. And not gay in a Tony-Dungy-doesn't-believe-you-should-have-equal-rights-of-all-Americans, but gay as in lame.

Judge Overrides Stupidity

You all remember the story of the dope who promised to change his name to Peyton Manning if the Colts beat the Bears in the Super Bowl? Well that man has been given a second chance because the judge denied the request, saying that the change was too confusing and would cause privacy problems with Peyton. Too bad, because he probably could have gotten some endorsement deals for it.

As a compromise, the dope in question is required to wear that toupee and mustache and legally change his name to Gomer.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Genius

You can hate the Yankees, but you have to admit that everybody kind of lived vicariously through Steve Swindal, heir to the Yankees empire.

Or at least he was. Swindal has recently been cited for drunk diving and now George's daughter is divorcing him. Way to blow that deal, Steve. When you stand to become the owner of the New York Yankees, you should pretty much do whatever your wife wants to remain in good standing. Shopping, diamonds, taking it from behind, anything she wants.

In related news, Swindal was seen courting Georgia Frontandrearie.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Meeting of the Minds

NFL Commissioner Opie Goodell and PacMan Jones will meet in New York next week. The two should actually be peas in a pod, as Goodell has long been rumored to be kind of a Tomcat. The only difference being that Goodell is the son of a senator. The two should have a productive meeting. Opie can teach PacMan about the virtues of carousing with discretion and lying to people’s faces. And PacMan can show Opie how to make it rain in a strip club. Maybe the duo can swing into the local karaoke to reprise Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson's "Say, Say, Say." (But in an ironic twist, Jones will sing the McCartney parts.)

Should be a great learning experience for both of them.

Lil' Hater's Tournament Take

Some might say that the North Carolina student who performed as a mascot for the school's basketball team died because of the injuries he suffered from being hit by a car.

I say he died of a broken heart, after coach Roy Williams and his team choked like dogs on Sunday. This is why Duke rarely uses a mascot for their hoops team. Those dudes would be flinging themselves in front of buses, 18-wheelers and steamrollers left and right.

What?

LA No Longer NFL Priority

The NFL is not coming back to Los Angeles. Not a surprise to those following along. But Opie Goodell left Los Angeles off the league's official agenda for seemingly the first time ever, and even though he claims that they "Haven't lost enthusiasm for Los Angeles," any notion of a team moving to the area prior to the Raiders return in 2011 if foolish. Almost as foolish as those editorials from the local newspapers claiming that Goodell was going to be the one candidate for commissioner who would deliver the NFL back to Los Angeles.

The city of Los Angeles should instead concern itself with rebuilding a state-of-the-art facility for USC. You know, the team that still plays here.

Monday, March 26, 2007

North Carolina Not Biggest Chokers

If you think that North Carolina folded, you haven't seen anything yet. This is from the DII championship game. Winona had previously won like 50 consecutive games.



Thanks to Jeff Samardzija for the clip. (Don't ask.)

Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Post Mortem

UCLA returns to the Final Four and that means only one thing:

More gratuitous crowd shots of Bill Walton and his wife, Soon-Yi. Seriously, why are the CBS cameras so infatuated with Walton and his wife? Especially when the UCLA girls are running around in basketball jerseys and other assorted costumes that haven't been seen since the last viewing of Showgirls.

The UCLA v. Florida match-up should be a good one, even though logic states that if the Bruins couldn’t beat the Gators last year, why should this be any different? The Bruins look much more confident this year and the team seems to have more toughness trading in Jordan Farmar for Darren Collison. Plus, you have to look back to 1991 when UNLV romped Duke in the national title game the previous year, but were upset that year in the semi-finals. So don’t let last year’s result way too much on your mind. But if the Bruins don't win, look for the myopic Bruins fans to turn on Ben Howland.

Have you ever seen a bigger meltdown than North Carolina yesterday? They went from boat-racing Georgetown to barely scoring a point in overtime. It was as if somebody switched out the Tar Heels for a bunch of Blue Devils. The Hoyas scored 31 of the final 40 points in this one. Losers such as Phil Mickelson, Peyton Manning and Roy Williams were able to shed their choking ways for a championship, but in the end, they are chokers for a reason. Williams really did nothing to stem the tide in that one. Whereas you know Howland would have called about 20 timeouts or Tim Floyd would have those a paper onto the court or something.

Thanks to Insomniac's Lounge for today's photo. He is the absolute best in the business for finding pictures like that.


  • How are you expected to watch a Georgetown game and not do the Dr. Hibbert laugh from The Simpsons? Nearly impossible. (And yes, this is why nobody wants to watch games with your host.)

  • How does Patrick Ewing Jr. not wear an undershirt?

  • Amazing that the Ducks had its top four players in foul trouble. Or wait, that wasn’t amazing at all. Anybody could see that the Oregon was going to get homered out of the gym. A super-human effort was needed, but not delivered. Oh, and nice foul at the end of the game to allow Florida to cover the 7-point spread.

  • Tajuan Porter, way to put up 33 points against UNLV and then just disappear into oblivion. Jerk.



AND FINALLY

Actually took some time to watch Kobe Bryant on Sunday night and he only scores 43 points? That will teach you to never watch the NBA ever again.

Peyton Funny on SNL



Even yours truly has to give Manning credit for this commercial which is damn funny. And a quick note to predict that Oregon is going to get homered out of the gym today.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Weak Ender



As many of you are aware, Gisele is not pregnant. The supermodel finally put to bed the rumors with a recent announcement. Whether the whole thing was just a rumor, or if Tom just pushed her down a flight of stairs (Tommy Tuck Rule's theory, the bottom line is that she is not pregnant and that is what is really important.

SWEET 16

With UNLV and Georgetown back at the top of the basketball world, it's like the 1980s all over again. The humorous thing is that neither team resembles the teams of its past. The Rebels certain aren't the Runnin’ Rebels and the Hoyas are running the Princeton-style of offense. Either way, the rebirth of these two programs has been enough to want to go out and fire up the Nintendo to play some Baseball Stars (easily the greatest baseball game ever created).

Bad news for the Rebels though, the Sports Dork has picked them to win tonight. He also liked Tennessee last night. Is there any way to stage an intervention to stop this guy?

  • Is this the year that four No. 1s make it to the Final Four? No. Ohio State has been living on borrowed time for a while now. They can't possibly survive into the next round. Memphis should come out and boat race the Buckeyes, only the Tigers won’t let up on the gas this time. UCLA and Kansas should be a good battle, and it wouldn't surprise if both No. 1 seeds went down on Saturday.
  • Phil Jackson hates March Madness and was a little upset when the Memphis Grizzlies fans were paying more attention to the Memphis/Texas A&M game than Kobe Bryant going for 60 against their club. Jackson complained to the scorer's table, who showed the closing moments of the college game on the stadium scoreboard. This upset Jackson because he felt that the disrespecting Memphis crowd should have its eyes trained on Kobe. Yeah, like the crowd at the Lakers game is all about the game.
  • Could be wrong, but getting a growing sense from the Trojans fans that they are annoyed by the team’s recent success during the NCAA tournament. Like it is taking too much attention from spring practice or something.
  • Gomer is going to be on Saturday Night Live this week? That's so surprising. Not that Gomer is going to find a way to get more television time, but that SNL is still on the air. THN will give Gomer a pass if he does two of the following things, reprises the Joe Montana/masturbation skit, mocks Eli Messiah, mocks James Dungy. Actually, any James Dungy jokes will earn him THN Patron Saint status.
  • Carrie Underwood is going to be the musical guest on the show, so add a Tony Romo gag to the list of skits Gomer must perform.
  • PacMan Jones had his house robbed. Why would anybody go to that trouble? If they hung around a strip club long enough, Jones would show up with $80K to give to the crowd. Of course, you run the risk of getting shot, but $80K is $80K.




AND FINALLY
Josh McRoberts is leaving Duke early to go to the NBA. Looks like he wants to get a head-start to retirement. Christian Laettner and Danny Ferry were actually good in college and they couldn't hang in the NBA. But maybe he's on to something. Guys that have escaped from Duke have ended up being much better in the NBA, like Elton Brand. So maybe getting away from Coach Krzytydfjkxcski will help improve his NBA stock. Imagine how horrible Kobe Bryant would be right now if he actually attended Duke. Skipping straight to the NBA was the best thing he could have ever done. Even though nobody watches him now.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Thursday's Sweet 16 Predictions

But first on Tubby Smith—good for him for getting out of Kentucky. Why put up with trying to win national championships when you can hang out in Minnesota, win 18 games a year and be considered a hero? Smith is a hero to slackers and underachievers everywhere. Celebrate Smith’s decision by taking tomorrow off to play some golf.

On to the predictions:

FANS WILL quickly turn off the Southern Illinois/Kansas game when they get a glimpse of some of the Saluki players, Randal Falker and Jamaal Tatum, believing that they have stumbled on to a women's basketball game. Watching Southern Illinois lack of scoring won't help change that notion...

SPECULATION ON John Calipari going to Kentucky will dominate the conversation during the Texas A&M v. Memphis game. This will constitute the most anybody has ever thought of Kentucky, outside of Ashley Judd wearing that hockey jersey...

SADLY BRUCE Pearl will keep his shirt on...

DID YOU know that Ben Howland once coached at Pittsburgh? The prediction here is that the announcers won’t talk about it once. They won't talk about Jamie Dixon being Howland's protégé. The announcers will instead talk about what’s happening on the basketball court. No, not seriously...

WESLEY SNIPES and Woody Harelson will challenge Greg Oden to a game of two-on-two, thinking that Oden is really one-half of the "King and Duck" duo from White Men Can't Jump. Larry Bird will then correct them and say that Oden is the reincarnated body of deceased Celtics star, Robert Parrish.

WAIT A minute. Parrish is still alive? What are the (expletive) odds?

YOUR HOST will show up tomorrow claiming to have gone 4-0 in all of his picks, doing it after the fact. Just kidding, here are the picks, Tennessee money line, UCLA first-half under and Texas A&M giving the points.

Messiah Engaged

The Messiah wanted to do something special for his long-time girlfriend, Abby McGrew so he did it after a singing "Endless Love" during one of his famed karaoke performances. Oh wait, he didn't. the Messiah actually proposed at home, probably during a commercial break of the Gilmore Girls.

Maybe it’s a good thing Eli didn't pop the question in public. He probably would have had the ring intercepted by some other broad. Like the one in the picture.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Gruden Likes to Watch

Jeff Garcia will marry longtime girlfriend and former Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare. When Garcia told Jon Gruden that he was getting married, the coach, "asked if he could go on the honeymoon."

Well somebody who wants to sleep with her probably should.

Oh stop it, that was just too easy. But somehow had to be done. Besides, you can't really forgive DeCesare who won POY going au natural, before altering her body with implants to look like just any of the other anonymous centerfolds in the magazine.



Much love to The House's MDS for finding this link and actually finding the wedding registry.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Freeway Series?

Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated seems to think so. Not really buying the argument for the Dodgers, though. They have the kids, but count on way too many veterans. The Padres would seem like a more logical choice, and more in-line with his own argument about aging ball players. The Padres do have a lot of kids, and a knack for knocking off the Dodgers. So maybe instead of a freeway series, it would be an Amtrak series.

The Angels have huge question marks at the corners going into this season. Chone Figgins might benefit from playing only one position this season, but he’s a stubbed toe away from playing a multiple-position rotation again. First base could be settled with Casey Kotchman, but the dude always seems to be injured, sick, or whatever. And that trends goes back all the way to his first season in the minors.

Hey, hopefully the guy is right, but it’s hard to see that right now.

Identifying Idiots

As noted in this space before, Raiders fans are into tattoos. And that's pretty cool. Like a snake shaking its rattle to warm others to stay away, Raiders-themed body art allows common folk to distinguish between the innocuous Raiders fans, and those who are barreling towards their third strike.

SI.com recently ran a feature of sports fans and their tattoos. Not surprisingly, nearly a third of these fans pictured are Raiders fans. Although Bears fans are starting to catch up.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Levi Jones Splits 10s

That has to be the reason why Joey Porter stalked and punched Levi Jones after playing blackjack at the Palms in Las Vegas. Because it really takes something serious for Porter to actually hit somebody. (His dogs, not so much.) Porter is kind of like the Fonzie of the NFL. Sure he has a tough guy image, but have you ever seen him actually hit somebody? Hell, he's kissed more dudes during an NFL game than he has actually punched somebody. Jones’ transgressions had to be egregious enough to draw that kind of response from Porter. And the only thing harsh enough to elicit that kind of response would be some dude splitting 10s or other jerk moves at a blackjack table.

Most of those times, beer-impaired Fraternity brothers (which is why you need to be cautious about gambling at O’Shea’s or Hooters) or Boston guys who write for ESPN’s Page 2 perform those kind of moves, but NFL players can be dopes. Hopefully Porter gets cleared for this to send a message to people to start playing better blackjack.

(And for the record, Canseco plays pretty good text-book blackjack, but his betting progressions kind of suck.)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Post Mortem

The first weekend of March Madness has concluded and the question on everybody’s mind today is how many vodka tonics does it take for Alyson Hanningan to seem really hot? Really is it a combination of all the booze mixed with second hand smoke, or is she starting to look that good?

The weekend proved a couple of things, namely, the ACC is the most overrated conference in college hoops. You might even make a case for the Big Ten, but there is no shame in Wisconsin losing to UNLV. Anybody who follows college hoops knew that the Runnin' Rebels were going to beat the Badgers. But enough about that, time to call out the ACC for being a fraud of a conference. It gets sickening listening to all of the ACC-honks back peddle as the conference schools fell to the likes of Virginia Commonwealth and Butler. When you look around at all of the teams still playing, maybe the time has come to cap the amount of teams each conference can send to the tournament.

DUKE IS DUKE

Looking back, Duke needs to be in the tournament. Not because they bring flavor. And certainly not because they deserve it. Rather, they are needed to bring the sports book together and give even the most hapless of gamblers an automatic win. The Las Vegas sports books seemingly conspire to give gamblers one chance to get a win under their belts. Like the free drinks they dispense (thank you Excalibur), a freebie like Duke gives a gambler the "itch" to do more gambling. Seriously ask anybody you know if they wagered on Duke. You can’t do it. Nobody bets money on Duke, and certainly nobody takes them in their office bracket. So keep Duke in the tournament.

GRATUITOUS BAD BEAT STORY

Leave it to UCLA and Seth Greenberg to contribute to the two worst losses of the weekend. (But thank God because if those games had won, THN would be originating from here.) Bruins fans seemed a little chipper for a group that lost on Saturday. At least UCLA and Indiana did go under for the first half on Saturday. The booking agent raised an eyebrow and pointed out that the under is 59.5 when the wager was made. And that number was never in doubt. One of the easiest wins of the weekend. (Followed only by the Tennessee/Long Beach State over.) But way to set college hoops back about 600 years with that game.

  • Mike Scyphers really screwed Maryland with that bogus call on D.J. Strawberry. But since the money was on Butler, it was nice to be on the other side for a change.
  • The Big XII may or may not belong on the list of overrated conferences, but Kansas looks damn good, and Texas A&M beat a damn good Louisville team. Acie Law IV will never have to buy another drink in Sunset Beach for his part in the miracle cover over Louisville. Two free throws to push over the –2.5 halftime line was one of the highlights of the evening.
  • Welcome back UNLV. College basketball missed you.
  • Oops to those of you who also took Nevada to the Final Four. Huge upset loss to Memphis. (Shut up, can’t you just go along?) What, nobody else had Nevada in the Final Four?
  • Doesn’t it figure that some dude in the back row wearing a Duke sweatshirt would miss every one of his bets on Saturday? Each one. But God bless him, he kept on cheering. Too bad he left before he could be asked who he liked in the UCLA game. (He must have chosen the Bruins.)
  • So long Kevin Durant. Please turn pro so the Sports Dork can go back to ignoring college hoops again. He has cast a stain on your college career that can’t be erased. Having the Sports Dork give you his endorsement is akin to that smoke smell that gets engrained into your clothes after a weekend in the sports book. (The stench is especially jarring when you live in a non-smoking state.
  • You know that Simpsons episode where Homer swears off the Isotopes, but becomes a full-fledged fan after his team nears the pennant? That’s USC fans right now. Of course, all of them will tell you that they were always a fan or slept with half of the team when they were in college, but don’t believe them. (You can see the clip here.)
  • Celebrity Sighting: Slugger Jose Canseco was playing the $5 tables at the Excalibur early Sunday morning. The bad part, Canseco recognized that he was recognized and was actually enjoying it. Waited 20 minutes to try to get on Jose’s table, but nobody was budging. Missed out on an opportunity to go totally fan boy and do a “bash brother” with Jose after a black jack. But that dream will have to live on.
  • The hype surrounding Entourage was too much to give a chance until the ride back from Las Vegas on Sunday. Surprisingly, the show is really good. Good writing, good characters. Not having HBO, can’t wait for the next season to come out on DVD. Jeremy Piven has long been a favorite actor, and this role is probably his best since “Draz” in PCU.



AND FINALLY

What is the protocol on taking your buddy's money at the poker table? The Tropicana poker room accommodated our group with its own private table, that allowed us to fleece each other. In some sense, losing money to your buddy instead of a casino makes it a little easier. At the same time, you would rather win the casino’s money anyway, right? So what is the proper decorum here?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Does anybody care any more?

The day following Duke's loss in the tournament shold be declared a national holiday. Not that this outcome was a surprise. Everybody not on the selection committee knew Duke was going to lose.

But at the same time, who do you root against now? How about the world's oldest freshman, Greg Oden? Long Beach State?

March Madness Time

And what are you doing here? There are games to watch. Luckily, THN's biggest client doesn't believe in March Madness and so yours truly won't be in Las Vegas until tomorrow. But if you are stuck at a desk today, Zach has put together a list of places that will be live-blogging the event.

Hopefully you all have your brackets in and were smart enough not to include Nevada in your Final Four like me. That's right, the Wolf Pack is going to the Final Four. Nick Fazekas tournament MOP. Would have put UNLV in there, too, but believe that Florida is going to win the whole thing. UCLA and North Carolina also should be going, also. The good thing about picking a team like Nevada to go all of the way is that you know where you will stand early. Because really, Creighton is good, too.

Now most sites around here have been advising people to go chalk in your brackets. And hey, you might even finish in the top ten if you do that. But where is the fun? Like you can brag about picking Ohio State to go all of the way. (Not that Florida was a ballsy pick.) There has to be a solid balance between picking smart and then adding a little flavor to your bracket so you have something to root for.

And hey, when Nevada loses in the first round, you all will have a place to come and laugh.

Update: Anybody having problems getting that "free" deal from CBS? So lame.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Vote on the Chargers New Uniform


How would you rate the Chargers new uniforms on a scale of super butch to super paradise?
Michael Ironside
Lee Marvin
Steve Austin
Joey Harrington
Elton John
Jm J. Bullock
Jeff Garcia
Kordell Stewart
Charles Nelson Riley
Tom Brady
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Pete Rose Bet On the Reds

Every night. And you know, you have to give him a hand because it's kind of hard to keep up with baseball betting. But anyway, thank you for the news flash, Skip. Rose first admitted to betting on baseball in 2004, but evidentially he doesn't want people to think that he bet against his team and tanked the game.

And why would anybody think that seeing that he's been so honest about his baseball gambling in the past.


"I bet on my team every night. I didn't bet on my team four nights a week. I was wrong," Rose said.

Rose said that he believed in his team so much that he bet on them to win every night.

"I bet on my team to win every night because I love my team, I believe in my team," Rose said. "I did everything in my power every night to win that game."


Maybe the NBA should take this policy into the regular season and force its players to wager on the games they are playing. At least you would get an honest effort and see players taking the league minimum to play for some of the top teams. Maybe Rose is a visionary and we'll look back at him as a pioneer.

Kind of like the Japanese do for his hair cut.

Stevens Signed by Arizona PD


This probably isn't the signing free agent Jerramy Stevens was looking for. The tight end was arrested early Tuesday morning for drunken driving with a marijuana possession kicker and really, for an NFL player, it's not that big of a deal unless you go Leonard Little on somebody. The Bengals don't even consider drunken driving an infraction anymore. Here is the best part of the report:

As he got out of the vehicle, the report said, Stevens "dropped his cell phone and wallet on the ground, bent down to pick them up, then stutter-stepped to walk" toward the officer.

Yeah, he dropped his cell phone and wallet like it was a pass in the Super Bowl.

UPDATE: That has to be going in the new mug shot HOF.

Money Grubbing Bears: Linebacker Lance Briggs said that he won't play for the Bears anymore because they refuse to give him a contract extension. The Bears have given Briggs the franchise designation that would pay him more than $7M. Now, a lot of people will wonder how Briggs can’t survive on $7M, and that is just a stupid argument. (The next time you go for a raise or complain about the rising cost of gas, remember that there are people in impoverished parts of the world who would kill to make $60K a year.) The career window for NFL players is small, Briggs has made third-round money and now that he has reached Pro Bowl status, he deserves to make money commiserate with his peers.

Moss Rumors Heat Up

The Randy Moss trade rumors have been running pretty hot recently, as nearly every NFL team has at one time been linked to the enigmatic receiver. But what team seems to have the inside track right now for Moss?

Green Bay. The NFL has seen some players cross the line to bitter rivals, (Lyle Alzado comes to mind immediately), but Moss might take the cake. But Brett Favre to Moss would be a pretty fun to watch.

If that deal does not happen, then the NFL should force the Raiders and Cowboys to make the inevitable T.O. for Moss deal, once and for all.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Fixing the Play-In Game

Only a truly hard-core degenerate gambler watched the play-in game on Tuesday night. (THN had Niagara.) That's because the NCAA is has horribly mismanaged the game. Nobody wants to see Niagara, Florida A&M, UT-Corpus Christi or any of these other curtain jerkers. So instead of bottom feeders, put in a couple of “marquee teams.”

Like Duke.

If having the Blue Devils is so important to the tournament, why not make them fight it out in the play-in game? There is no reason Niagara and Florida A&M should have their vacation cut short. If Duke wants in so bad, make them earn it. The Blue Devils and Stanford were probably two of the last teams admitted, make them play it out, Enter the Dragon style. Now, you probably don’t want them to be No. 16 seeds, and that’s cool, so you can have them play into a No. 9 seed. But having them play would have at least kept you interested. Who wouldn’t have watched Duke v. Stanford in the play-in game Tuesday night? Everybody would have. If for nothing else, to see the Duke players cry when they lost.

The Stardust Has Never Been Dark

Until now. The destruction of vintage Las Vegas continues with the demolition of the Stardust.The Las Vegas Review Journal has the video here. Obviously a lot of you hated the movie Showgirls, but did you have to go and tear down the whole building? That seems a little harsh. The venerable strip hotel also was the basis for the movie Casino and was the place where yours truly watched the Steve Bartman game. Now it's all gone so the $4B Echelon Place can be built. And you know who is to blame? The Sports Dork.

You might as yourself why Boyd Gaming can't just build its new resort and just call it The Stardust again. But many of the operators have been scared off because of the failure of the Aladdin. (Although that had more to do with a horrible, horrible design.) The Tropicana and the Sahara, however, have new owners and should be remodeled in the near future. So at least a part of old Las Vegas can live on in name only, at least.

Leaving Las Vegas has posted a private video of the event on it's website.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Phil Disrespects The Lord’s Post Moves

Phil Jackson is tired of the Lakers use of Lamar Odom's injury as an excuse. Nor does he think that Odom's return will give his team the boost they are seeking. Instead, he had some harsh words for his team in today's Orange County Register.

The way you're playing, it doesn't matter who comes back. Jesus Christ could come back and we still wouldn't have a chance.

But that's not because the Lord wouldn’t be good. He is perfect after all. Instead, Kobe would either not pass Jesus the ball, or he would get him traded to another team. Another team that would go on to win the NBA championship.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Post Mortem

Contrary to popular belief, we don’t need Duke in the NCAA tournament. Imagine, if you can, if you are a Long Beach State fan. If you beat Tennessee , does it really matter, at that point if you beat Duke, Tennessee or North Carolina? No. You just want to beat one of the major schools in the tournament. Who cares if that opponent is Duke or any of the number of "big time" programs.

The members of the NCAA selection committee need to realize that Duke isn't the draw that they once were. Duke in the NCAA tournament is akin to Men Without Hats opening the local Food 4 Less. Sure, it might be a draw to some of the mullet-wearing morons, but does it still have the same impact that it did a few years ago?

Drexel, Syracuse or nearly anybody would be a better option. And how and the hell did Duke get a better seed than UNLV and Nevada? A post better than two teams that actually won their division? How is that justified? In the year following George Mason’s run to the Final Four, you would figured that the mid-majors would get a better shake. But you would be wrong.

Oh well, it will be fun to see Duke cry again when they lose.

  • Too bad for Syracuse for not making the tournament. That pales in comparison to the screw-jobs that UNLV and Nevada received. How can the No. 10 team in the country receive a No. 7 seed, as well as the No. 10 RPI team. The seeding don’t make any sense. UNLV and Nevada could be Final Four teams. The rankings are a joke. But the bottom line is that you have to beat everybody eventually, so why not get it started sooner?
  • Betting against Florida will be tough to do. But UNLV has a great chance of taking down the reigning champions. But no thanks to the seedings.
  • The Angels could be heading towards a showdown with Gary Matthews Jr. The club would be better off without him. But you can’t blame Matthews for keeping his mouth shut. He has $50M to lose if he ever admits to using HGH. You or I would keep our mouths shut if we were in his position. But since we are not, we can instead call for his dismissal.
  • Are we ready to live in a world where the Dallas Mavericks are the supreme team in basketball? Kind of unsettling, huh?


AND FINALLY

Rudy Guiliani took a tour around the Angels spring trainer center earlier last week.

Rudy was attending an Angels spring training game as a guest of Angels owner Arte Moreno. Manager Mike Scioscia said Giuliani "was really impressed with our club, but he wouldn't put an Angels hat on. I said, 'Mr. Giuliani, just for 30 seconds,' and he said, 'No, because I know you've got a camera somewhere, and that picture is going right to Joe Torre.' "

So Rudy will wear a dress in a video, but wont put on an Angels hat. You have to respect that, right?

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Weak Ender!



Just realize when Brad Penny has another horrible outing, this is who he will be going home to. Realize that and try not to hit yourself in the face with a rake. The boys over at the AOL FanHaus were excited to find out that Eliza is a fan of the site (FanHaus, not THN.) So while she might be with Penny for his good looks, athletic ability and money, all of the bloggers over there can take solace in the fact that Liza loves you guys for your minds.

But she wanted to let you know that she only wanted to be "just friends" for right now.

  • Bad news, it looks like Jake Plummer is indeed going to retire. So Plummer will not be going to the Raiders for now. And you know, you kind of have to respect his decision. He has made his money, so why put up with the grief? He will never get a fair shake in any city he goes to play for so it is hard to really blame him. Plummer could have cashed in paychecks as a back-up quarterback, but if he has other things on his mind, good for him. Plus, you have to remember that he was good friends with Pat Tillman and that has to have some impact on his decision to walk away from the game. He’s got a better life right now than Brad Penny.
  • Another disappointing turn of events is that Gisele is apparently not pregnant with Tom Brady's baby. What that does for Blonde's rotation, well, that remains to be seen.
  • UCLA should still be a No. 1 seed in the tournament. Kansas should be the overall No. 1 even though they play in a horrible conference. UNLV has earned the right to be a No. 3 seed.
  • If the Angels have the buyer’s remorse, the Gary Matthews situation should be viewed as good news. Time to put an end to this deal. The Angels would be better served with having Figgins in center field and give the 3B job to Brandon Wood.
  • Doesn’t college basketball seem like a better place now that Duke is eliminated from its college tournament? ESPN's Calvin Cowherd tried to reason today that having Duke in the tournament was essential. Why? They don’t move past the first couple rounds in the tournament anyway? Leaving them out would just speed up the process.


AND FINALLY

Hey, at least not all Duke graduates are worthless. John Cornwell has invented a refrigerator that can launch a beer from the kitchen. With an invention like that, who is going to need kids? But until Cornwell can find a way for Eliza to deliver the beer, he might as well keep working.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Nice Uniform




This was leaked out and found on the Sign on San Diego forums. The Spanos Goofs hate their fans.

Jake Plummer: Future Raider?

Could Jake Plummer end up with the Raiders? That scenario was predicted by Conrad Bain last year and the Tampa Tribune reported that a deal to land Plummer has been discussed with the Bucs, who own his rights.

The Raiders have not responded to the speculation, but it wasn't long after the report surfaced Wednesday that football pundits began suggesting this might explain why the league has yet to receive Plummer's retirement papers.

With the Raiders in the market for a quarterback, there was talk in league circles that the Bucs might try to make Plummer part of a deal for Moss. The hole in that theory, of course, is Plummer's supposed retirement plans.

But the absence of retirement papers has created a new theory. It is also being speculated that Plummer is not contemplating retirement and that he could be attempting to force the Bucs into trading him to Houston or another team of his choice.


Yeah, send him to Oakland and really teach him a lesson. But a move to the Raiders would make perfect sense for Plummer. He wanted to be in the Peace Corps, so instead of going to some far away land, he could set up shelter in the Black Hole and try to teach some of the miscreants to read.

And hey Jake, instead of being fined by the team for flipping off Broncos fans, you will become a legend. Heck, could you imagine the abuse Plummer would receive leading the Raiders into Invesco Field? The league should make this deal happen.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Maybe Duke Should Sit One Out

Listen Duke, you gave it a good run, but maybe this isn’t your year. How about giving a team that doesn’t cheap shot opponents a chance to be in the tournament. Don't worry about us, the sports viewing public. We will get plenty of Coach Krzyretyukjdhfgski during his endless rotation of Chevy commercials that will run during the tournament games. Maybe this year he and Gomer can film a commercial for Applebee's. Can't be any worse than last year.

Speaking of Dook, our friends, Truth About Duke found a reverse angle of the Gerald Henderson cheap shot.

Brady Hates Condoms

Some people handle failure a little bit differently. Many of us would likely take the news of our rival finally reaching the top by having a few beers at the local tavern, or maybe gambling excessively in Las Vegas.

Tom Brady? He just knocks up some of the hottest women in the world.

Shawn Kemp, however, remains unimpressed.

Case Closed

O.J. Simpson was in the news for making jokes about possibly being the father of Anna Nicole's baby.

Hysterical, O.J.

Maybe the Juice should stay quiet about this one, though. Consider, a blonde acquaintance died suspiciously in the same state where O.J. resides. Does he really want to draw attention to himself here? Some intrepid detective is finally going to put the two together and question Simpson about his whereabouts the day Anna Nicole died. And hey, Nicole Brown and Anna Nicole? O.J. had better hope that somebody saw him practicing his golf swing that day, because he's bound to get convicted for murder one of these days.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Kobe a True Dookie

Kobe Bryant was expected to attend Duke, had he decided to attend college. So should it be any surprise that Kobe has been suspended for a second time this season for punching a dude in the face? Because hitting defense players is the Duke way.

Just ask the Kentucky guy that still has Christian Laettner’s heel-print tattooed on his chest.

And don't worry Kobe, after getting away with it, too, the Duke Lacrosse team still considers you an honorary member.

The Post Mortem

Don't tell the casino host but the escape plan worked! Right now there is a homeless man playing blackjack using my player's club card. Well, it was either a homeless man or Zach, not that you can tell the difference. And everybody has Vegas stories, so you won’t be inundated with them here. But if you will allow a small indulgence, here are a few of the highlights.

You know you have created a monster when NCAA Jennifer drops a text message on Monday during the conference to announce that Gonzaga line dropped three points and that she was going to fire in. Gonzaga covered and the game went over thanks to foul-fest at the end. (God bless Santa Clara for remaining close enough not to beat the spread, but still have to foul to stay in it.) How can you ever take the under a college game? Even if you win, it is just torture. The Zags were very good to everybody this weekend, as they covered and went over on Sunday, too. Santa Clara, for whatever reason, was the underdog on Sunday but beat St. Mary's. If not for an the Western Kentucky bet, it would have been perfect. Yes, wagering on Gonzaga, Santa Clara and Western Kentucky might be the first step in admitting you have a problem. In fact, that was in the brochure.

  • The Comment Monkeys (as coined by head simian Conrad Bain) weren't lying about the Imperial Palace. Not the nicest place on the strip. But when you consider that O’Shea’s is next door selling $1 Miller High Life and the Casino Royale is nearby, you cannot argue with the location. (And the IP poker room is pretty nice, too.) That center strip area is the closest thing to downtown in terms of being able to hop around to a number of casinos in a short block. And funny, never went over to the Caesar’s side, other than to not get allowed into Pure Nightclub because of my Etnies tennis shoes. (Four people will get that joke.) You guys can make all of the jokes, but the Imperial Palace could host the annual Gridiron Apocalypse awards banquet next year.
  • The Thomas & Mack Center still rocks. After sitting in half-empty college gyms in California, it is unusual to see a college arena filled to near capacity and selling beers. Here is a New Year’s pledge to attend more college hoops games out in Vegas next year.
  • A lot of NFL news happened over the past couple of days. The Dolphins are really close to opening a Pandora’s Box by offering Joey Porter a guaranteed contract. Not only is he not worth it, but the non-guaranteed contract is one of the best things about the NFL. Now look for NFL teams to give $55M to one-year wonders who are implicated in steroid scandals, only to not be able to get out of contract because it is guaranteed.
  • Thomas Jones went to the New York Jets. Looks like the Bears want to keep up the trend of Super Bowl losers not making the playoffs the following season. (Yes, Seattle made it this year, but since the Seahawks should have won, it only makes sense for Pittsburgh to be the ones who didn’t make the playoffs.
  • Don’t feel bad Angels, you could have signed David Beckham.


AND FINALLY
How is it that the Gerald Henderson hit looks worse in fast motion than it does slowed down? Truth about Duke has a great link to a story where Coach Kryakjmndhfjhsky said that the real victim here is Henderson. Not the guy who might need a root canal and could have suffered a career-ending injury.

"The person who it is most unfortunate for is G. The main thing is for Gerald's reputation. He's not that kind of player. These kids don't have long careers, and you never want an incident to soil or taint someone's reputation."

The rest of the story is great. And hey, does anybody need a Duke Hater shirt for March Madness?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

THN UPDATE 2

The money is on New Mexico and Wright State tonight. Please root for them to LOSE. Seriously. Another winning bet and I'm never leaving this town.

Monday, March 05, 2007

THN Update

Being held hostage at the Imperial Palace by dealers who keep giving up money and free booze.

Friday, March 02, 2007

The Weak Ender



Evidentially you don’t have to be a particularly good baseball player to get an attractive girlfriend. The young lady pictured above is girl friend of Carl Pavano. And she is appearing in Maxim’s hometown hotties contest that you can see here.

UPDATE: We didn’t beat With Lethur after all. Damn it all.

  • Our Book of Scrap points notes that Jared Zabransky will be on the cover of EA Sports College Football 08. Interesting. Georgia won’t even come to Boise State in a computer simulation, either.
  • Your Moment of Bish: Don't be shocked if UCLA loses tonight at Washington State. The game means a lot more to the revved up Cougars than it does to the Bruins, who pretty much have a No. 1 NCAA seed safely stashed away…

    The Bruins won the game. UCLA, like Long Beach State, also locked up NIT bids. Although one of these teams might get an NCAA bid.
  • Did you notice that the Bish is awfully quite about the Tommy Lasorda rumors? Obviously he knows that it is true.
  • What is in the mind of Jake Plummer that he would rather retire than accept a trade to Tampa Bay? That would have to be one of the more ideal situations. A trade to Tampa would be similar to going to Denver, just without the rational fans. Expect him to change his mind in a few days.


AND FINALLY

Our Book of Scrap, who is getting treated like Tommy Lasorda gets treated by call girls today, has a nice review of Cowgirl's college tour. Because she is, like, a serious journalist and everything. Yes, people read Cowgirl for the articles. That's the ticket.

There also is a video floating around from an LSU student who is asking people why Big Baby should stay another year at LSU. After watching this video, look for Big Bay to announce his intentions to enter the NBA Draft as soon as possible. The stereotype of your typical LSU fan is that they are the offspring of drunken first cousins. This video ain’t helping. (And Insomniac made a meaner joke, but you will just have to ask him about it.) Cowgirl also makes an appearance in this video about a 1:10 in. She looks down and gives Big Baby two reasons why he should stay in college. (Like the NBA doesn’t have groupies with fake boobs.)



Also, look for yours truly to headline at OBoS on March 12.

John Daly Withdraws

John Daly withdrew from a tournament when he was harassed by a fan. The Hater Nation has the exclusive footage here.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Lasorda’s Lawyer to Madame: Liar, Liar, Crotch-less Pants On Fire

Tommy Lasorda's lawyer has a pretty good defense for his client. He's too cheap. While it is conceivable that Tommy probably does dabble in favors from women other than his wife while watching adult films, he most certainly won’t pay for it.

According to Lasorda's lawyer, Tony Cappazola: "He's very upset. It's a slimy book so full of inaccuracies. For instance, she says she called Tommy back on his cellphone and he didn't even have a cellphone. She claims that she arranged for a nice blonde to come over to his hotel, and everybody knows that he is into Asians. (Alright, that last line might have been made up.)

"She's an over-the-hill, desperate hooker attempting to make a buck," said the lawyer, who scoffed at Gibson's claim that Lasorda paid $1,500 in cash. "You know Lasorda. He wouldn't buy lunch," Cappazola said.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. Lasorda might receive oral sex, but he damn sure isn't going to pay for it. Wow, who else is convinced?

Source: The New York Post.

Matthews Not Here To Talk About The Past

Seriously, is Mark McGwire consulting Gary Matthews Jr. on how to conduct an interview about steroids and HGH? Here is what Sarge Jr. had to say about the whole situation.

"I just want to tell you guys that I'm not really in a position to answer any specific questions on yesterday's story. I do want to say that I do expect it to resolve itself here in the near future pretty soon. I've got my representative looking for more information on it and to find out stuff. Until we find out more stuff, I just can't comment on it. At the appropriate time I will address the matter."

Notice he didn’t deny using HGH/roids. He might has well have just said, "I'm not here to talk about the past." Or maybe he could have broken out with a, "I don't speak English."

If you are innocent of taking the juice, here is how that interview should have gone.

Hey Gary, are you HGH?

No.

What are your thoughts of being linked to a steroids probe in Pittsburgh?

It's (expletive).

How do you explain your average jumping up by 40 points last season?

One more dying quail each week.
.

Then he should have made like Tommy Lasorda and threatened to sue the person who named names. But Matthews response does not paint a picture of innocence.