Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Tommy Really Into Orel

Oops, that should read oral. (And Tommy’' belief that oral sex is not cheating is the only thing keeping him from being implicated as the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Although he certainly was her type.)

Sports By Brooks has obtained an excerpt from the Hollywood Madam's book on the Tommy Lasorda encounter. The transcript is kind of interesting. Well, mostly disgusting. That's a visual that you don't really need. And while it is always entertaining to make fun of blowhards (pun intended) like Lasorda, it is important to remember that this was a transaction between consenting adults. The only person Lasorda has to answer to is his wife.

So it is time for Tommy to drop the whole indignant charade that he is going to sue the book's author or even deny the encounter happened. Expect Tommy to say that he is taking the high road and you will never hear him mention it again.

Some people might ask why Tommy paid for sex and the easy answer is because he can afford it. These stars like Tommy, Charlie Sheen, Eli Messiah, Bruce Willis, etc. pay for sex because they want an anonymous girl who will keep her mouth shut. That is why Hugh Grant was caught with a Hollywood hooker and not some house wife from Aliso Viejo who will blab the whole thing to her bunco group.

Thanks go to Awful Announcing for this, too.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Pat Summitt's Gams

First, if you ever see something really cool happen on ESPN (or sports in general) and you want to find it immediately on You Tube, be sure to check Awful Announcing. This dude is always on the ball. Including tonight's appearance by Pat Summitt who made her first cheerleading performance since the eighth grade. Bruce Pearl was lambasted for showing up to a Tennessee women’s game shirtless, wearing orange paint on his chest and cheering on the Vols. And people will likely poke fun at Summitt.

Why do people have a problem with this? Being a hater is cool, but not in this instance. The actions of Summitt and Pearl were pretty cool. (And you know THN's stance on the SEC.) The NBA regular season is completely unwatchable and the players hardly care so it is refreshing to see a couple of coaches that actually get into it and support each other. You could even argue that Summitt did more for women’s basketball tonight than the WNBA has done in a decade. (Although she might have sent cheerleading back a few decades.) The only thing that kind of ruined the moment was the ESPN announcers acting like schmucks. (Surprise.) This would have been a perfect opportunity to keep their traps shut. (Luckily Gomer's singing saved the day.)

Great Signing Angels

Gary Matthews Jr. has been implicated in a steroid bust in Orlando, Fla. Hate to say told you so, but totally did:

"This will go down as the worst Angels free agent signing in history."

Just didn't expect that statement to be proven correct in six weeks. Not that there weren't plenty of warning signs. Matthews Jr. was a career .263 hitter who hit .313 with 19 home runs in a hitter's park in Texas. And seriously, this didn't raise any red flags with anybody? Seriously? The Angels brass insisted that Matthews had just "figured the game out."

He figured the game out, alright. He figured that if he injected himself with enough steroids, a team would be stupid enough to give him $50M over five years. So yeah, he figured the game out alright. This news comes out the same day an article detailed Barry Bonds' freakish growth. (Bonds allegedly went from a size 10 shoe to a size 13.)

A couple of things here. First, this illustrates that the MLB drug testing is a joke if Matthews Jr. could get by last year. And b., does this void Matthews' contract? If anything, he should be forced to take steroids again this year. In fact, guys like Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Matthews should be forced to swallow every horse tablet available to justify their contracts.

Lasorda Loves Hookers

At least that is what one Hollywood madame alleges in her new book, according to the Los Angeles Times. The first reaction that comes to mind when hearing this news is, "Ewww." The thought of Lasorda preaching about bleeding Dodgers blue while being serviced by a hooker is just a little bit too much to handle right now. Maybe that is what Tommy had in mind when he was talking about blue heaven on Earth.

There could possibly be an explanation to all of this. Namely, Tommy was setting up hookers for Steve Garvey so he would stop getting women pregnant. But this news can't be all that surprising. Especially seeing that Tommy likes to hang out with crooked police chiefs.

Chargers Fans Can Be Dopes

A truck in the Shore House parking lot on Sunday was littered with Chargers stickers. Seems like the typical THN reader, right? Thought so, anyway. So a card was left on the truck, inviting the owner to take a look around the site. Here was his response (from a Chargers fan, mind you):

From: "JOHN REIS BOLTMAN"
To: The_Haternation@yahoo.com
Subject: your pathetic

First you leave a card on my vehicle to promote you pathetic site.
Raiders suck. For one thing most of the Raider fans a punk asses like you.
You can stick your card and your web site up your ass. (Female dog).




FROM BOLTMAN JOHN

Obviously, Boltman John was given too much credit, like believing that he was literate. The Calvin pissing on a Raiders logo should have been a warning sign that John’s oars weren’t completely in the water. Haven’t we advanced far enough in society that we can communicate without using a Calvin pissing sticker? In any event, Boltman John is obviously a sports transvestite—a Raiders fan trapped in a Chargers fan’s body. Boltman John is the kind of guy who likely wishes that he was a Raiders fan, only he doesn’t have the huevos to knife a guy.

And John should realize that he doesn’t know the face of THN, but we know what his truck looks like. Something to think about on Sunday.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Post Mortem

What is it about spring training in Scottsdale that makes Giants named "Barry" want to dress up in drag? Barry Bonds played Paula Abdul in spring training last year, so this time it was Barry Zito's turn to play the former Lakers girl. (No confirmation if Zito was drugged/boozed up to make his portrayal a little bit more authentic.) Although, Zito always has been seen as a little off-kilter, so maybe it isn’t a surprise that he wants to make like Rudy Giuliani?

Tim Hardaway would never approve of this. At least not in public anyway.Odds are that Hardaway probably dresses up as Abdul to watch American Idol each week. Hardaway probably knows a few show-tunes as well.

Not that there is anything wrong with that or anything. But who made the better Abdul, Bonds or Zito? The scales might have to tip over to Bonds who had that build similar to the East German Olympic team.

  • Are Wisconsin and Ohio State supposed to be the two best teams in college basketball? Both teams looked like competitive Mountain West teams on Sunday. And neither team looks good enough to beat Nevada. Greg Oden might be a better pro some day, but there is no better college hoops player than Nick Fazekas right now. And yes, that includes Kevin Durant who, like Oden, might be a better pro prospect. But for best college player right now, it is Fazekas.
  • Admitting this is tough, but NASCAR is becoming kind of compelling. Although, some of that might have to do with it being the only thing that is on television in the bar on Sunday afternoon.
  • Wide receiver Calvin Johnson turned heads at the combine this week, when he ran the 40-yard dash at the speed of light. That just might be too much temptation for Matt Millen to pass up. But you know the Raiders are going to blow this pick, so they could end up with Johnson. Not that he wouldn’t be a perfect fit for the Raiders. The knock on Johnson is that he is a gifted athlete, but he underachieves. If that doesn’t say future Raiders receiver, nothing does. Besides, who better to mentor under than Jerry Porter and Randy Moss to become a brooding malcontent?
  • Lovie Smith looks to be coaching out the final year of his contract to become a free agent. And you know who is going to need a head coach next year? The Chargers.
  • Maybe Gomer and Martin Scorsese can hang out sometime comparing Super Bowl MVPs and Oscars that could very well double as life-time achievement awards. And like this year’s version of the Colts, this was not Scorsese’s best movie. That, of course, is Casino.
  • Haven't watched a broadcast of the Oscars since it went head-to-head with the NCAA men's championship game between Georgetown and North Carolina many years ago. But, why is it that movies such as Borat aren't nominated? The American movie public might be dopes, but outside of the people lampooned in the movie, was there anybody who didn’t like it? Or maybe, as suggested on Kevin & Bean this morning, they should have a separate category for comedy.


AND FINALLY

RIP to Lamar Lundy, the most unheralded members of the LA Rams Fearsome Foursome. Obviously too young to see Lundy in action, there always has been a certain fondness for Lundy, if for nothing else, he was not recognized by the common fan who knew the names of Deacon Jones, Merlin Olsen and Rosey Grier. My first Rams jersey was No. 85 and sure, it was a Jack Youngblood jersey, but the old timers would always talk about Lundy, that forced you to look him up in the football Encyclopedia. And Georgia, please stay away from his legacy. Lundy was a member of the Los Angeles Rams, so the St. Louis Football Team should not feel compelled to honor or even mention him.

Friday, February 23, 2007

The Weak Ender

The Boston Celtics introduce a dance team this season and what happens? Red Auerbach and Dennis Johnson end up dead. Coincidence?

Probably. Hey, it's not like the Celtics haven't had their share of people dropping dead in their history. Len Bias, Reggie Lewis, M.L. Carr, et all. The Celtics drop faster than Kennedy's.

And yet, Magic Johnson has lived with the HIV virus for 18 years. The Lakers are still getting over on the Celtics.

Maybe this should serve as a warning to Greg Oden and Kevin Durant, as they might not want to leave school early to enter the NBA if Boston is holding the first pick in the draft. Just saying is all.

  • Who wants to party with Pac Man Jones? Idiot. Pac Man is like that guy who joins a bachelor party as one of those creey friends of a friend. He is the kind of guy with a stupid nickname (like Pac Man) who wants to impress the group so he starts throwing his money around. The kind of guy who volunteers to go pick up some booze, only to return with a bottle of Tequila Rose and a case of Zima. Then he will proceed to plead his case by saying that Zima has more alcohol than beer and you’ll drink it, (because it's delicious), but you won’t have to like it. Then this guy throws his money around at the strip club and you then have to kind of laugh at his dumb jokes because he paid for your cover making the whole party uncomfortable. In other words, he acts just like Bill Simons. (Although the Sports Dork's posse probably hasn't killed anybody.)
  • The Maloof brothers were quiet during the whole Tim Hardaway thing. Although Gavin Maloof was reported as saying that they wouldn't employ a homophobe. Not quite the damaging words that you would expect from the Maloofs. But maybe its better that they kept a low profile during the whole thing. The Maloofs deserve a lot of admiration for being such pioneers, and the classy way they have handled the whole Hardaway situation illustrates just how sophisticated they are. They are a true inspiration.
  • Gomer Manning is being universally praised for redoing his deal. Now the poor fellow is going to have to find a way to survive on his endless endorsement deals.


AND FINALLY

Corey Dillon is retiring and hey, where is Peter King to trump his Hall of Fame credentials? If Tiki Barber is a slam-dunk, why not Dillon? Let's look at the numbers.

Dillon: 11,241 rushing yards, 82 touchdowns
Barber: 10,448 rushing yards, 55 touchdowns

Now, to Tiki's credit, he was a much better receiver than Dillon and it's not close really. (Comparing him to other pass-catching running backs, Tiki was no Marcus Allen.) But Dillon was a Super Bowl champion whereas Barber was a non-factor in the Giants Super Bowl loss. Both guys deserve to join Tim Brown in the Hall of Average.

UPDATE: Peter King responded to THN's email question: Is Corey Dillon a Hall of Fame running back? King's answer: I don't know.

He'd probably have an answer if you asked him about Starbucks, but he can't condescend to talk about the NFL evidentially.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Ortiz Out For Season With Neck Injury



Red Sox slugger David Ortiz will miss at least nine months recovering from a neck injury after being hit in the neck with a baseball bat swung by new Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. Yeah, and Tim Hardaway is really straight. Ortiz was pulling the collective legs of his teammates with this gag. Hopefully karma doesn't come back to haunt him.

Raiders Agree: Tim Brown Was Average

Tim Brown was just an average receiver who, like old punk bands and prostitutes, people got nostalgic for the longer his career stretched out. Now the Raiders agree that Brown was just an average player, after allowing Jerry Porter to switch to No. 81. Now the Raiders, like the Cowboys, don't retire numbers, but they also don't allow certain numbers to be used. In other words, don't expect any Cowboys quarterback to wear No. 12 or No. 8, and don't expect any Raiders lineman to wear No. 00. Still, if the Raiders had any respect for Brown at all, they wouldn't let a guy like Porter grace the No. 81.

Or maybe this is the Raiders way of retiring Brown’s jersey without actually retiring it. The Raiders are all but guaranteeing that No. 81 won’t see the field by putting it on the back of Porter. Could the Raiders actually be smarter than we are

For more on Brown, check here and here.

Cheerleading Hall of Fame

The Mighty MJD posted this little dity over at the AOL FanHouse about an NFL Cheerleaders Hall of Fame. Yeah, Cheerleaders Hall of Fame.

Current Hall of Fames, be it baseball or football, display items such as cleats from Pete Rose or Johnny Unitas, the nail file used by Joe Neikro or maybe the knife Ray Lewis hid from the authorities prior to the Super Bowl in Atlanta. So what will they display at the cheerleader’s hall of fame? MJD suggested that historic sports bras might be on display. Although the implants used to fill out those sports bras might be a better bet.

But the hands-down first item that has to be enshrined is the bathroom stall the Panthers bimbos performed their sex act in during a road trip to Tampa. Maybe the broad that Renee Thomas smacked around could introduce the display. As long as the display includes a reenactment, this idea can’t fail.

THN has to recognize our man Doug over at Our Book of Scrap who actually found this story on Monday, before the rest of us Steve Bisheffed him. Looking at the picture Doug used, everybody (including the Insomniac's Lounge, missed a perfect exhibit... the hole in the wall at Veteran's Stadium that Michael Irvin (among others) used to spy on the Philly cheerleaders.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A Little Late

(That's what Bridget thought a couple of months ago.)

The owner of CondomMan.com has sent 2,000 free condoms to Tom Brady after learning the news that he knocked up Bridget Moynahan.

Like that is going to do a lot of good. That's akin to sending a box of umbrellas to a Katrina survivor. Maybe this business owner can send some hair care products to Brittney Spears. Or how about a dangers of methadone abuse pamphlet to Anna Nicole Smith? Word on the street is that this guy also sent Donald Rumsfeld a "No. 1 Defense Secretary" coffee mug recently.

Be sure to add your own suggestions.

Rice No Fan Of Turner

Jerry Rice still loves the limelight. During an LA radio appearance, Rice told the listening audience that Norv Turner was not a very good head coach. Rice also told the listening crowd that Donald Rumsfeld had resigned.

"He could not motivate the players," Rice said. "He had no control."

The sentiment is appreciated, and let’s be honest, most people would agree with Rice. But, and here's the kicker, Rice only played four games under Turner’s reign of error in Oakland, before being shipped off to Seattle to become the NFL's version of Willie Mays. So doesn't it seem convenient that Rice would make these comments during a book tour?

Like maybe if Stephen Davis wanted to talk about how Turner lacks control, that’s one thing. Or if Albert Connell and Terry Robiskie had a couple of amusing anecdotes to share about Turner, that would seem relevant. But Rice kind of comes off like publicity hound with his remarks. Jeez, if Rice really wanted publicity this bad, he should have gone to Las Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend to be photographed in a seedy massage parlor.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Lil' Hater: Numbers Game

Can you explain, at all, why people are stating as gospel that Norv helped "improve" Alex Smith as a QB last year? Like he's the next Unitas or something? Smith threw fewer TDs than all but 5 professional football teams (and the Raiders) last year. 16 TDs, 16 picks -- that's worse than Favre. Most teams fire their offensive coordinator for that kind of season.

And he got to play against teams in the league's worst conference. The 49ers passing offense was terrible, esp. when you consider all the teams were trying to stop Gore and the running game. Yeah, he was better than in 2005, he went from awful to lousy. Whatever. Smith by and large has been a bust considering his high-draft status.

Hey, this moron thinks its a great idea to hire a "nice guy" as a head coach -- yeah, having a wuss with no spine on the sidelines; that'll help instill a culture of accountability and a fear of failure in the players ...not. Has a "nice guy" ever won the big one? I say no. (Dungy doesn't count, he's so intense he drove his kid to......never mind.)

Can't wait until some third-string receiver gives LT a cheap shot during practice and Nice Guy Norv does nothing about it. Again.

FUN WITH NUMBERS

Norv would have to go 24 and 4 just to match the record of Dave Wannstedt (universally derided as an two-time loser, over-his-head coach).

He has to go undefeated for 3.5 seasons to match Belichick's Cleveland-tainted record.

He has to go 53 and 1 to equal Coryell's record.

He has to go 35 and 1 to reach the majestic heights set by Tom Coughlin.

54 and 12 over the next four seasons? Still will have worse record than not-exactly Canton-bound Denny Green.

If he goes 15 and 1 for five straight seasons, he'll still be behind Joe Gibbs.

He has to go on a 29-17 tear in San Diego just to match the illustrious standard set by THN-trademarked Ted Marchibroda-line.

Suck on that, Elias.

Young and the Brainless



Bridget Moynahan is pregnant. And in other news, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned. Yes, it is very Steve Bisheff-like to post about this so late. But hey, it's not like the Spanos Goofs were making any noise yesterday while yours truly was trying to get in a round of golf on a rare holiday.

But one thing nobody seems to be talking about is that, wasn't it only weeks ago that Moynahan was losing weight? Weren’t her friends concerned that she had an eating disorder and that she was becoming dangerously skinny? Just curious. Do chicks normally become anorexic when they are with child? Seriously, just asking here. And honestly, doesn’t it seem convenient to anybody else that Moynahan becomes pregnant right have Brady is seen with a Victoria’s Secret model? How very As the World Turns of her.

Besides, even money says turns out to be Peyton Manning's kid anyway.

Check out some other coverage here.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Dear Spanos Family

Please move the team. Really. Move the damn thing to San Antonio. You almost get the feeling that the Spanos idiots are trying to pull a "Georgia" by running the team so far into the ground, the town's people will help move the team. That has to be the only explanation, right? Nobody with any semblance of rational thought can believe that Norv is the best candidate to run the team. Didn't they realize that the Raiders were two automatic victories during his tenure in Oakland?

Listening to the interviews have been a riot. The common refrain from the Spanos is that it is unfair to judge Turner’s coaching ability by his coaching record. Uh, sure. But it’s not all doom and gloom, there is a new Last and Ten.

Congratulations Chargers

You have managed to become the worst organization in the NFL. Not an easy task, but when you are taking the Raiders sloppy seconds in coaches, you have earned that honor. And hey, if you are going to pull a defensive coordinator out from the NFL's offices, why not go all the way and add Art Shell, too. Not only that, Norv Turner was such a bust in Washington that he was replaced after 13 games in 2000. The guy who replaced him? Marty Schottenheimer.

Turner's career record: 58-82-1 (9-23 with the Raiders).

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Weak Ender

There is something about Beyonce on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition that falls flat. The cover has always been for unknowns such as Christie Brinkley, Paulina Porizkova, Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks. Not that they weren't famous as supermodels, but they weren't over exposed. The only time, other than SI, you could catch a glimpse of them was during a cameo in Vacation or a Cars video.

Beyonce is a movie star, recording star and no different from the girls who appear on the cover of Maxim or Stuff. Not that she isn't beautiful, but typically, you can count on Sports Illustrated to showcase the next Cindy Crawford or Stephanie Seymour (both who were never on the cover), not movie stars.

But you know who isn't complaining? Tim Hardaway. Because he is like, totally manly. He hates queers and loves the SI swimsuit edition because he is so hetero.

Actually, many are speculating that Hardaway is gay and that he now has to prove that he is straight. In fact, Hardaway is now trying to claim that he is the father of Anna Nicole's baby in order to prove that he likes chicks. True story.

COUGHLIN TOO TOUGH FOR TIKI

Tiki Barber was forced into retirement by coach Tom Coughlin because he was a little too tough. From the New York Post:

"Coach Coughlin is very hard-nosed, and I didn't get a lot of time off, couldn't sit down and rest myself, and so it was a constant grind - a physical grind on me that started to take its toll," said Barber. "The grind took its toll on me and really forced me to start thinking about what I wanted to do next. And that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing, for me at least. Maybe not for the Giants, because they lose one of their great players, but for me, it is."

As the reader (name protected because he has a real job) who sent this story in noted:

He forgot to mention that he was a worthless fumbler and Tom Coughlin turned him into a 1,500 yard back. Well, Tom and HGH.

  • The best part of the SI swimsuit issue? The mail the following week by outraged mothers who are indignant because the magazine is peddling soft-core porn. Where is the sports in bikinis? Think of the children! (They still get those letters, right?)
  • The Sports Dork Bill Simons is going to Las Vegas for all-star weekend. These columns will be truly horrific, yet you will be compelled to read them. The Sports Dork is about as much of a Vegas insider than Tim Hardaway is a lady's man. Anybody else notice that he no longer allows comments on his columns? The Magic Hour lasted longer than his comments section. It is funny how people can dish it out, but can't seem to take some ribbing on their own.
  • Rex Ryan appears to be the top candidate for the Chargers job right now. The only negative for Ryan is that a.) his brother works for the Raiders and 2.) Peter King endorses him. But how funny would it be if Rex is hired and he brings his brother in to be defensive coordinator? (If that would even be possible.)
  • Still waiting to see a college football playoff? Our man over at One More Dying Quail has done just that. How can you not love a site that is named after a line in a Kevin Costner movie?


AND FINALLY

A couple of people emailed to ask what was meant by the Hardaway joke that "He is so homophobic, he broke up with his boyfriend when he found out he was gay." That, as mentioned, was inspired by a Dave Chappelle bit, and instead of explaining it, you can just watch it here. The ending will make it clear.


Dave Chappelle - The Black White Supremacist - video powered by Metacafe

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Tim Hardaway: Froot Loop

But not that kind of fruit because Tim Hardaway hates gay people. Says he doesn't believe in them. Like what, gay people are the Lock Ness Monster or something?

“You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people,” he said while a guest on Sports Talk 790 The Ticket. “I’m homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States."

Hardaway hates gay people so much, he broke up with his boyfriend when he found out that he was gay. (Alright, that was taken from a Chappelle Show bit, but had to be done.)

The family of Jackie Robinson must be thrilled to read remarks such as this. You would hope that somebody who has probably faced racism and bigotry in his life would be a little bit more tolerant. An NBA player who directly benefited from those who (like Robinson, Woody Strode and Kenny Washington) crossed the color line would show be a little more open minded. Instead, Hardaway sounds like many of those players who refused to play with Robinson. Take the word "gay" in Hardaway's comments and replace it with "black." How would Hardaway feel if an NBA representative said that?

Of course, there will be those who believe that homosexuality is a choice. And if you really believe that, try to pin-point the exact point in your life when you chose to be heterosexual.

No, Hardaway is just an ignorant son of a female dog, and hopefully he will blacklisted from society like those who have made bigoted remarks. What Hardaway said was about 100 times worse than what Michael Richards said on the Comedy Store stage because Hardaway was composed and was extremely conscious of what he was saying. Hardaway should be shunned and ridiculed accordingly.

The Bish Is Back

In what has to be considered the journalistic equivalent of The Magic Hour, Steve Bisheff is back and writing for ESPN.

Oh no, not the mothership, ESPN, but ESPN Radio 710's website. So much for walking away gracefully. Even columnists can be addicted to the limelight, evidentially. Although, writing for a local radio station's website isn’t exactly the big time. This experiment reeks of Jose Canseco trying to become a knuckleballer for the Long Beach Dirtdawgs (or whatever they were called) independent minor league team. Like, could you imagine that Jim Murray would be blogging for some local radio station website after he was fired.

Oh that's right, Murray was with the LA Times until he passed away.

The column continues to be as timely as ever. From Monday’s intro:

I know it’s old news by now, but this blog just started on Friday. So allow me to say Rex Grossman’s weak duck of a throw resulting in the interception that turned the Bears-Colts game around in the fourth quarter was the worst pass thrown in a Super Bowl since Garo Yepremian’s legendary gaffe in Super Bowl VIII.

Well that quip is timely for the Bish who has a reputation among media circles of being a day late and a dollar short. Not only that, but the joke itself was terrible. Listen, if you are going to go for a joke two weeks later, at least make it funny. The saddest part of this blog, the Bish will not allow comments. What a weasel.

Thanks to The Insomniac for sharing the bad news.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Early Chargers Candidates

Everybody from the listeners to the Mighty 1090 AM in San Diego to the venerable Mighty MJD on the AOL FanHouse have weighed in with their thoughts on who will be the next Chargers coach.

Let's make one thing perfectly clear; Jim Caldwell, Ron Rivera and Mike Singletary are all excellent candidates. But the Chargers are coming off a 14-2 season and need a veteran coach to take them to the Super Bowl. So don't look for a coach who is going to be learning on the job. So who are the top candidates?

Jimmy Johnson. He seems to be favorite of everybody, and he even has a history of being a consultant with the Spanos Goofs prior to Marty's hiring. Now, Johnson leaving his cush television gig is remote at best anyway. But anybody who watched Bill Parcells and Joe Gibbs struggle should be wary of pulling a dude out of retirement. Even if Johnson wanted the gig (and he doesn't), this still doesn't seem like the best hire.

Pete Carroll. He's not leaving USC. Let's move on.

Norv Turner. A former Raiders coach is not going to run the Chargers. Why not put Art Shell in this chase then?

Jim Fassel. Led a team quarterbacked by Kerry Collins to the Super Bowl. He gives a great interview and would be willing to put the chips on the table. Intriguing.

Steve Mariucci. Can you really hold the Lions gig against him? Like, who would have been successful in that situation? Great offensive mind with a good record in San Francisco.

Jim Mora. Good young coach. And like Mooch, you don't want to hold the Mike Vick era against him.

So you have some good, quality candidates here that would be able to take the keys off the ring and take this team to the Super Bowl. But you know what, none of these guys will be hired. Nope, the next coach of the Chargers has already been decided and really, if you haven't thought of it yet, shame on you. The next coach of the San Diego Chargers will be...




(wait for it)



Mike Martz.

Mike (expletive) Martz. Is there any other way this whole thing could possibly end?

Monday, February 12, 2007

Thank You, Marty

Marty Schottenheimer might not have ever won the Super Bowl with the Chargers, but it is hard to argue that the team is better off for having him as coach. Schottenheimer instilled a winning attitude in San Diego that was desperately needed. The Chargers were a freaking nightmare prior to Marty's arrival. The lingering effects of the Ryan Leaf era hung over San Diego like the June gloom. Hiring Marty seemed like a questionable decision at the time, but Marty molded the Chargers into a consistent winner, as he had done in Cleveland and Kansas City.

At this point, however, it is time for somebody else to take the keys and drive this thing home. Marty has a history of building consistent winners, but he also has that history of playoff failures. The time is now to see if another coach can get the Chargers to the next level, like Marty did when he raised the Chargers from the depths of the NFL. Whomever takes over is going to have a hell of a football team to work with. Just as long as it is not Norv Turner.

Joakim Noah Hates Chicks



At least ones with pom-poms. Noah, you might remember, also had a thing with the UCLA cheerleaders during the NCAA Championship Game last year. Damn, this guy is lucky that he's good at basketball.

Thanks to With Leather.

The Post Mortem

Have you ever had a party where you knew you had to invite somebody you didn’t like? So what do you do? You invite that person at the last minute, when they couldn't possibly be there in time.

That is what the NFL did to Raiders cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha, who was the first alternative to be called after Jacksonville's Raashean Mathis went down with an injury on Friday night.

Of course, the NFL smartly waited until after the last flight to Hawaii left California before calling. You could imagine that call.

"Hey us, Naomi, err, Nanana, err, hey guy, guess what? You're totally on the Pro Bowl roster right now. Yeah, I know the game starts in like six hours, but do you think you can find a flight out here in time? No? Bummer, man. Maybe next year."

Hey, you can't blame the NFL for wanting to keep the riff-raff out of its end-of-the-season celebration.

  • Tiki Barber threw an interception and rushed for just 4 yards on seven carries, but scored the game's first touchdown. He got a standing ovation from the crowd and his fellow players when a video tribute to his career was shown on the scoreboard with 1:58 to play. Oh good Lord, did Otis Anderson get this kind of send off for the Giants? And he won a (expletive) Super Bowl. And what is with Barber attempting a pass? You know he likely begged the coaches to do this so he could prove to the world that he is just as good as LaDainian Tomlinson.
  • Nate Kaeding finally made a game-winning kick. Too bad it was in the Pro Bowl and not a Chargers playoff game. But hey, at least he is going in the right direction. Gomer, the Pro Bowl's all-time leading passer, used the exhibition to hone his skills to eventually win a Super Bowl.
  • Speaking of Gomer, Phil Mickelson won some golf tournament this week because Tiger Woods was not playing. Why does that sound familiar?
  • Drew Brees injured his arm in a meaningless game for the second consecutive year. With the way he came back from his injury this year, that might not be such a bad course of action for Brees.
  • If the Celtics are going to continue to lose at their current clip, it might be worth getting back into the NBA. Dancing Celtic girls, Red Auerbach dead, and 18-game losing streak, karma is a female dog, eh? Maybe you shouldn't have sold your soul.


AND FINALLY

Poor Duke, losers of four consecutive games, could they really be in danger of missing the NCAA tournament? Yeah, right. Duke could lose the remainder of their games (and a game at Boston College is looming) and they would still get in. And that’s a shame. Teams that finish with a conference record below the .500 mark should not be in the NCAA tournament (unless of course they win the conference tournament). March Madness needs more teams from mid-major conferences, rather than teams like Duke who are rather pedestrian when the time keepers aren’t cheating for them. Teams such as San Diego State, BYU or New Mexico State would make the tournament a lot more interesting than just the same-old, same-old from tired programs like Duke.

Of course, with all of the losing going on, look for Coach Krymngrfgjkliuski to get another one of those mystery back problems again. Funny, his back only seems to flair up during losing seasons.

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Weak Ender



The Pro Bowl is universally panned because it is a bunch of talented guys on the field, going through the motions, not exerting any effort and playing something that kind of resembles football, but isn’t.

So how is that any different than your average Raiders game?

Or any game quarterbacked by Rex Grossman?

Or any regular season NBA basketball game?

There will be on player who will be taking the Pro Bowl serious—Tiki Barber. Andy Schefter of NFL.com wrote this in one of his columns this week.

John Elway and Jerome Bettis finished their careers with Super Bowl victories. Now Barber aims to do the same with the Pro Bowl.


Yeah, because it is totally the same. Barber will likely rush for 175 yards and a couple of touchdowns. And when he is opening some Food 4 Less in Hoboken, N.J. with Elway and Bettis, Barber can brag about how good he was during the Pro Bowl. This is actually the perfect opportunity to shine because nobody else cares. Not even Gomer gives a (expletive) about this game anymore.

  • Is the monkey really off Gomer’s back? Remember when everybody thought that Phil Mickelson finally crossed that mental hurdle when he finally won a couple of majors? How is that working out for him now? Mickelson won a couple of majors because Tiger wasn’t really into golf. And you can reason that New England and especially San Diego weren’t really playing their best during the playoffs. Now, Mickelson still shrinks at the sight of Tiger and it is not hard to imagine that Gomer will slink back to being a loser next season.


AND FINALLY

The Pro Bowl has put a stop the needless the feud between Shawne Merriman and that dude from the Dolphins. From the San Diego UT:

On a secluded patio at the Pro Bowl players' hotel here Wednesday afternoon, Shawne Merriman and Jason Taylor spoke for about 15 minutes.

According to Merriman, they parted ways with a mutual respect but without plans to go out for mai tais.

"I wasn't going to do it," Merriman said. "I greeted him like a man and that's all I really wanted to do. I'll say the same thing about him now I said before. He's a great player, and we'll leave it at that. We shook on it."


See the Pro Bowl is useful.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Still Champ of Party Circuit



You have to give Rex Grossman credit. He's not going to let a little thing like being the worst Super Bowl starting quarterback since Tony Eason get him down.

Norm Clarke of the Las Vegas Review Journal spotted Rex at the Playboy Club at the Palms. Not that Rex Grossman is supposed to be secluded in an Idaho bunker. But is it really appropriate to be out and about just days following a loss in the Super Bowl? Losing in a major sporting event should be akin to losing a loved one. People should be at your house bringing your food, running errands for you and washing your laundry. Going to Vegas should not be one of your immediate options. You know Gomer secluded himself after losing year after year, after year, after year, after year. Maybe Rex could learn a little something.

Cowboys Fans Bummed

Jerry Jones once proclaimed, during the Jimmy Johnson era, that 500 coaches could win the Super Bowl with the Cowboys talent. Jones proved that point by hiring No. 501, Barry Switzer. (Sure, Switzer eventually won that Super Bowl thanks to the Packers taking out the 49ers in the divisional round, but Jones prematurely ruined the dynasty.)

So it should be no surprise that Jones went out and hired Wade Phillips as the next Cowboys coach. Like you thought the guy who brought in Chan Galley and Dave Campo was going to make an inspired choice?

Phillips isn't as bad as you imagine him to be, however. Phillips has had only one losing season in five years as a full-time head coach. Hell, he went to the playoffs twice with a quarterback duo of Doug Flutie and Rob Johnson. But it was the handling of the Flutie/Johnson situation that really soured fans in Buffalo. Phillips rested Flutie for the final week of the 1999 season after a playoff berth was clinched and then started Johnson the following week at Tennessee. The decision looked smart for more than 59 minutes, but the Music City Miracle kind of ruined any goodwill Phillips could have hoped for. An awkward situation turned into a full-blown disaster and Phillips never recovered, finishing 8-8 in his final season as the situation continued to boil.

And now you want to put this guy in charge of Terrell Owens? The guy who couldn't settle a catfight between the Midget and Shane Falco is supposed to reign in the most enigmatic player in the league? Yeah, no problem. But if Bill Parcells couldn't do it, there isn’t really a lot of hope for Phillips. Although it seems that Phillips is just a stop-gap until Jason Garrett is ready to go.

This move, of course, leaves the Chargers without its offensive and defensive coordinators. The only good news is that San Diego can't promote Phillips after Marty retires next year.

Artest: One, Dumb, S.O.B.

Ron Artest might be on the dumbest mother (expletive) around. Artest can fight as many fat Detroit fans as he would like, produce as many bad rap albums as possible, cheat on his wife, abuse drugs/alcohol or even rape a concierge in a Denver resort.

But the one thing you don’t want to do is mistreat your dog.

Seriously. Don't mess with dog people, dude. You would be better off not feeding your own children than abusing a dog.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Another Manning Honored on Sunday

J.J. Manning had his number retired by Duke on Sunday, hours before his older brother Peyton won the Super Bowl, ending the family's never ending pursuit for a title. Duke officials explained that the curious timing of the ceremony was set up so the Manning family would have at least one thing to celebrate on Super Bowl Sunday. Unconfirmed reports had Archie Manning, along with half-brothers Eli and Cooper in attendance in a darkened shadow. The family then made a quick flight down to Miami in time to see Peyton win the whole thing.

"It kind of sucks that Peyton won, to upstage my big day," J.J. said. "But hell, at least I didn't have to go into football like Eli. I'm still playing a sport that I like."

Steroids and Merriman Forever Synonymous

A player has never been more linked to roids since George Brett battled hemorrhoids in the early 1980s. Shawne Merriman will eternally be linked with steroids if the "Merriman Rule" passes. There are rumors that players will be banned from the Pro Bowl if they fail a substance abuse test.

Perfect. Sure Leonard Little might have murdered a woman by driving drunk, and a certain NFL owner might have drowned her husband to gain control of the team. But let’s be sure to keep Merriman out of the Pro Bowl if he fails a drug test. Maybe the NFL ought to concern itself with keeping the Cincinnati Bengals out of jail. Well, not that any of their guys are a threat to reach the Pro Bowl.

And maybe it is time for the NFL to require some players to take steroids. Like Rex Grossman for instance. The NFL should force the Chicago Bears to juice up Grossman so he might play a little harder. Not that it would hurt.

Maybe if the NFL was serious about sending a message to Merriman, they would refuse to sell his jersey and make money off his image. But we all know that will never happen and it also gives a good look at just how seriously the NFL views its drug policy.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Poor Eli

Hopefully a win in the Super Bowl will allow Gomer Manning to finally come out of his shell and share with us (the common folks) some of his favorite products. For instance, does Manning use any phone service? Does he enjoy television? And really, is Manning kind of a cash guy or does he use a credit card? Because who would know these things. You just have to hope that winning the Super Bowl won't turn Manning into an over-exposed media whore looking to cash in a few paychecks pitching products at a rate that Bill Cosby would blush at.

But what does this Super Bowl mean to poor Eli Messiah, who had to watch the game in person on Sunday? And yeah, the dude is Peyton's brother. But the guy is still an NFL quarterback. You can't believe that he wanted to be at the game. (He wanted to be rocking Living on a Prayer.) His dad probably strong-armed him to going to the game, just like he did to the San Diego Chargers on draft day. And to make matters worse, Archie started rubbing it in Eli's face saying that he will learn how to win through osmosis of his older brother.

"Our family is elated," Archie said. "It's a situation where Eli, like Rex, got to experience and see what it's like to win a Super Bowl."

Yeah, because Eli won't win one on his own. But now Peyton has even started to stick it to his little brother, too.

"I think Eli is going to be fine," Peyton said at his MVP news conference. "There is no doubt in my mind he is a quarterback who will lead his team to a Super Bowl, probably more than one. I know how hard he works."

You can just sense the sincerity, eh? Almost like Peyton is trying to convince a girl to take his brother to the prom because he has a good personality. Man, it has been said in this space before, but Cooper is the luckiest guy in the family. Eli is either going to retire early, or he is going to snap and pull a Gillooley on his brother. How many times can you hear, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" before you finally lose it?

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Post Mortem

Depending on which side the fence you wagered on, Tony Dungy's decision to not kick a field goal in the closing seconds was either lucrative or maddening. And really, it is about time that some coach finally paid attention to the point spread. Too bad you can't be privy to which way Dungy had wagered on. Luckily the dealers at the Main Street Station were a little more kind than Dungy.

Most of you likely spent today rehashing the game (while THN caravan was making its way back to Sunset Beach), so there really isn’t anything new to report. But here are a few observations about the game and downtown Las Vegas.

  • Did the Gomer Manning MVP award seem like more of a life-time achievement award and less of an indication of his play on the field? Gomer was just average at best. But the Bears seemed to do more to derail themselves than anything else. Rex Grossman was probably the real MVP of Super Bowl 41. Hey, there is no rule that says that an MVP has to lead his team to victory. Grossman did more to help the Colts win than anything that Manning did. The Bears really need a veteran quarterback. The sequence where Grossman turned a second-and-one into a fourth-and-80 by fumbling around the ball like some drunk chasing a $5 chip down Fremont Street will be his legacy forever.
  • So when all of the Colts players are thanking God for the victory, does that mean that the Bears should smite the Lord? Like should Grossman have raised his fist to the sky and blaming God for letting him down? Just once, I would like to see a losing player come out and say, "I'm kind of pissed at God right now. I have no idea why the almighty treated me like one of the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah. What did I do? He treated me like the Romans treated his kid."
  • You can stay mad at Adam Vinatieri, but that missed field goal in the first half pushes the Colts to cover the first half spread (-4) and the over total for the game.




AND FINALLY
The Golden Nugget is easily one of the top hotels in Las Vegas, bar none. The new pool area would be top four on the strip (including the Hard Rock). The remodeled rooms at the Fremont also are top notch. The only downside is that Binion’s just doesn’t seem to get it. People like Binion’s because it once had the greatest gambling in Las Vegas. Now blackjack pays 6-to-5. Bennie is probably rolling over in his grave.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

The Hater Nation Summit



This weekend! The second annual THN Summit will take place on Super Sunday at the Main Street Station off Fremont Street. NFL Adam, Lil' Hater, and Conrad Bain together for one weekend! You don't want to miss it.

Others expected to be there, Dom DeLuise, Vic Tayback, Henry Silva, Nipsey Russell, Victor Conte Norman Fell, Angie Dickinson, Eva Gardner and Lauren Bacall.

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Weak Ender

The Super Bowl addition.

But first, Cowgirl will be touring the country’s top colleges advocating breast augmentation and showing up to college football games in bikini tops. And God bless her for doing the Lord's work. SI has scheduled her first stop at Wichita State.

Home of the Shockers.

Seriously, does somebody want to put THN out of work? Leave the jokes to us people, although this is the funniest thing ever done by SI (excluding Pete King's unintentional comedy).

And a big thanks to Sam Rubenstein for reading Cowgirl's weekly column so nobody else has to. (Even though he claims it was just accidental.) Sadly, Cowgirl did not leave her Super Bowl pick.

A quick thought before jumping into the Super Bowl nonsense. What do you suppose the WNBA will do to commemorate the loss of it's own, Barbaro?

Maybe a patch with a silhouette of Rebecca Lobo? Too bad Barb's couldn't stud a mare to one day lead the WNBA to higher plateaus. Moving on…

THE CASE FOR THE BEARS

The Super Bowl has trended towards the defense in recent years. Remember those high-flying St. Louis Super Bowl teams? They scorched NFL defenses for an entire regular season, but were pretty ordinary during the playoffs and Super Bowl. (Remember the 1999 NFC Championship Game?) The Bears defense could be a big problem for the Colts who really struggled in the first half of the AFC Championship Game, and against Kansas City and Raven. The Bears defense could keep this game close enough for Cedric Benson/Thomas Jones to make a big run, or maybe Devin Hester makes a big play on special teams help the Bears edge out a close win.

THE CASE FOR THE COLTS

The Colts run defense is no mirage in the postseason, having shut down Larry Johnson, Jamal Lewis and having forced New England to abandon the run all together, even though they were leading by 18 points. The Colts are aggressive on first down forcing teams into second-and-long situations that plays into the hands of defensive ends Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis. That means that Rex Grossman is going to be forced to make some plays. Isn't this all you can ask for if you are an NFL coach? That's not a shot at Rex, but the Bears need to run to be successful. And on offense, the Colts coaches deserve a lot of credit for finding a way to phase Gomer out of the offense so he can't go out and lose the game for them. Turing Gomer from a quarterback to a "game manager" like Ben Roethlisberger last year as been the best coaching job in NFL history.

Here are some other factors to consider to make an educated decision.

  • The Colts really struggled against the Cowboys aggressive defense this year. Remember Dallas handed the Colts their first loss of the season. If the Bears can duplicate the things that the Cowboys did on defense, they really have a chance.
  • A black coach has never won a Super Bowl.
  • The NFL has tabbed Tony Corrente to bet the referee for the Super Bowl. Corrente's crew called more penalties than any other –242 for 1,590 yards. The crew led the NFL in defensive holding (15). The Bears defense is just screwed if this holds up. Nice job NFL, who are you rooting for in this one?
  • God hates the Bears. But ever since the NFL sent a cease-and desist letter to a church in Indianapolis forbidding them to charging for a pot luck during the game, God might be pulling for the Bears. (Although Churches shouldn't be looking to profit off the NFL’s product.
  • Tony Dungy is 4-1 following a bye week during his tenure in Indianapolis. Lovie Smith is 1-2. This is significant because back when a Super Bowl blowout was the norm, the two-week break often was credited for this. And it appears that Smith does not know how to handle that additional week off. But at least the Bears probably weren't tempted to party in South Beach.
  • People make a lot of the Colts choking, but the Bears have folded in the playoffs rather famously, too. The only difference is that many didn’t have a famous quarterback to blame it on.


AND FINALLY

It's time to pick a winner. And really, is there anything as inevitable as Gomer walking off the field as a Super Bowl champion? There is no way around it. The only problem is the negative image it sends when people relying on hard work instead of trying to skate by on their talent win the big game. This is America, damn it. Cowgirl did not become an overnight sensation by working hard. So for everything sacred in this country, Rex Grossman needs to win this.

Just can't see it: Colts 34, Bears 21.

Together Again

People often ask what is the one thing you miss the most about not being around the Super Bowl and it is the parities. Because that is when something like this usually happens. The Big Lead Was at Shaq's party down on Ocean Drive when Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb ran into each other. Watching two former lovers run into each other for the first time is always fun.

From the Big Lead:

Unbeknownst to Owens, Donovan McNabb had just entered the party and walked past his former enemy with his bodyguards.

At this point, somebody in Owens' crew told the Cowboys receiver that McNabb had entered. They began to make their way over to McNabb.

After a few minutes, the bodyguards cleared a path, and Owens and McNabb shared a handshake, followed by a brief hug, and then a final handshake. There were some words exchanged – one can only imagine – and that was it. Feud over in less than 90 seconds.


Well, THN's spies heard the conversation and it went down like this.

T.O.: You are a homo.

Donovan: Takes one to know one.

T.O.: At least Jeff Garcia didn't take my job.

Donovan: At least Garcia can hold a ball on a field-goal attempt.

T.O.: Man, Romo sucks.

Donovan: Yep, he sucks.

T.O.: Garcia does, too.

Donovan: Yep.

The two men then shared a slight smile, hugged it out and went on their way.

Rex Grossman Fights Back

Is the pressure getting to Rex Grossman? Here he gets a little testy with the media. And seriously, if you had to deal with this stuff, you might feel the same way. Still, if you are pulling for the Bears (or just against the Colts) you might want to compare Rex's demeanor and contrast it with Gomer who actually seems relaxed this week.

Thanks to NBX.com for sending this along.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Warm Weather Super Bowls

Cheerleaders representing the Eagles, Texans, Redskins, Saints, Buccaneers, Dolphins, Bills and Jaguars will be competing in the "Beauties on the Beach" competition. The young ladies will compete in a variety of events including beach volleyball, flag football (Robert Edwards probably won't want to watch), kayaking, tug of war, lesbian sex in a bathroom stall and lap dancing. Oops, dance competition.

Michael Irvin will be watching the festivities from a hole he made looking into the Eagles cheerleader’s locker room. This is why you have Super Bowls in towns such as San Diego and Detroit. Were they doing this in Detroit? If they did, it wasn’t as cool.

Thanks for the link, Professional Cheerleading Blog.

Great Moments in Super Bowl History

Jerry Rice finally loses in a Super Bowl.

Not sure that it made Cris Collinsworth feel any better, but it probably did. Chad Erickson over at 49ernews.com has an excerpt from Rice's tell all book where he talks about a variety of topics, including Super Bowl XXXVII. He is what he had to say about that game.

"We (Raiders in Super Bowl) weren't prepared, we weren't ready and we weren't focused. So when the opportunity came to speak up, I did ... I could tell by their body language they weren't interested (listening). ... seemed to take the loss as just another regular-season game. They were just happy to have made the Super Bowl, apparently."