Friday, November 09, 2007

The Weak Ender

Boston is starting to pile it on lately, obviously not feeling enough of the hate from the rest of the world. Jessica Simpson says that she wants to hook up with a Boston boy. Which is code for she wants to be knocked up by Tom Brady.

Not sure if she will have the kid like Bridget Monynahan or take a belly flop down a flight of stairs like Giselle, stay tuned.

And speaking of Brady, word is that he is being courted by Calvin Klein to model underwear, like a modern day Jim Palmer. Well, since half of Hollywood has already seen Brady's junk, it only makes sense that the rest of us take a peek, too.

The Chargers were so thoroughly humbled by the Vikings and Adrian Peterson last week, that could only mean one thing; The Chargers will defeat the Colts on Sunday night.

It's true.

The Colts don't know how to lose. And when they do, they do it in succession. The Colts are one of only three teams in NFL history to start three consecutive seasons at 6-0 or better. The only problem is, that winning streak is met by a losing streak.

Mainly because Gomer Manning and Tony Fundie One-and-Done-gy, are huge losers.

* The Colts started 9-0 in 2006, but lost three of their last four games.
* The Colts were 13-0 when they lost to the Chargers in 2005, and they lost their next game to the Seahawks.
* The Chargers lost their first game in 2004, won five in-a-row, then lose two in a row.

So if you follow trends, the Colts should lose this week. What, you didn't think this had anything to do with the Chargers showing some pride, do you? Please. The Chargers will likely lose their final seven games of the season after beating the Colts. (Well, maybe they will beat the Raiders, but a Norv Turner-led late season slide is coming.)

  • Where is Turner the quarterback genius? Philip Rivers looks worse than ever. This guy is a fourth-year quarterback and he does not look like an NFL caliber quarterback. Michael Fabiano of wrote a column this week, claiming that teams do worse when Turner leaves a team. Damn, can't wait to see how much worse Rivers becomes when Turner is fired. Besides, that story was a work of fiction. LT is having his worst season of his career, other than his rookie year when, no surprise, Norv was the offensive coordinator. And Emmitt Smith set the NFL record (and had the highest TD totals of his career) immediately following Turner's departure in Dallas.
  • Speaking of folding tents, the Giants are ready for their annual late-season swoon. The Giants have gone 8-16 in the second half of the season during the Eli Messiah era and this team is just ready to pack it in. One loss and Tom Coughlin will go back to being a dictator, the fingers will be pointed, and Plaxico Burress will go out of his way to ruin my fantasy team. Of course, the Cowboys could lose and the Wade Phillips house of cards will come tumbling down.
  • Some people made a lot of money when Priest Holmes was hurt a few years back because they had squirreled away Larry Johnson on the back of his fantasy roster. But this is not history repeating itself as Johnson has now gone down and it’s time for Holmes to come to the rescue. Holmes can’t run the ball more than 10 times, so don’t pin your fantasy hopes on him. Pick up Kolby Smith instead.
  • Receiver Brandon Marshall told the Rocky Mountain News that the Broncos were just fooling everybody by playing so badly, lulling them into a false sense of security. It's a joke, in other words. Told you so.
  • The Miami Dolphins are the worst team in football. And you know who’s a special consultant for the team? Don Shula. That jerk is so worried about somebody breaking his bogus record, that he sabotaged his own team. But the real reason Shula is pissed is because Mike Martz took his crown for being the coach on the wrong-end of the biggest upset in Super Bowl history. (Shula was the Colts coach in Super Bowl III.) Shula likely harbors a resentment for Bill Belichick for schooling Martz in the Super Bowl and taking his real legacy.
  • Is anybody ready for a shootout between the Browns and Steelers. That just doesn’t seem right.
  • Did you know that Joe Buck is still so scared from the Randy Moss fake moon, that he still can’t bring himself to announce a Vikings-Packers game at Lambeau Field?
  • Wow, Yahoo! Sports has really done a good job digging into that Reggie Bush deal. Why couldn’t they do something more useful and investigate the death of Carroll Rosenbloom?
  • Fred Taylor is going to pass the 10,000 rushing yard mark this season. The most rushing yards ever accrued on one groin.
  • Did really make a joke about Bud Grant’s grave? (Scroll down to the Redskins-Eagles preview.) Bud Grant is going to hurt somebody. But give them credit because the Cardinals preview include a reference to Kurt Warner being a machine.
  • At this point, how much would actually playing for the Raiders actually hurt JaMarcus Russell's development?
  • The Chargers have been a disappointment this season, but Raven was 13-3 last season, and are just awful this year after adding Willis McGahee. And has anybody noticed that offensive genius Brian Billick can't get his team to score, while defensive genius Marvin Lewis can't get his squad to stop anybody? These two guys should trade teams.
  • Things don't always seem as they appear. For instance, the Panthers hosting the Falcons seems like a lock right? Well consider that the Panthers have lost all three of its home games this season.

Remember when USC vs. Cal was going to be the college football game of the year? Me, either. Now it might not even be the best game of the Pac-10 schedule with Arizona State vs. UCLA this week. You have to wonder if the players have given up on Karl Dorrell yet, or if they have to be an alumnus of the school to do that. The Sun Devils need to keep winning in order to force a showdown with the Trojans for a possible big to the Rose Bowl (assuming that Oregon sneaks into the BCS championship game).

  • Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to give Oregon's Dennis Dixon the Heisman just yet. West Virginia's Pat White is pretty incredible, too. His 50-yard touchdown run in prime time might be enough to give him that signature moment that a Heisman Trophy winner typically needs.
  • A bunch of SEC teams will beat each other and they will say this is proof of conference superiority. Except for LSU who plays host to Louisiana Tech.

Lil' Hater is going to take us home today. Again, Lil' Hater, not yours truly.

I was going to post this with all the other comment monkey remarks, but here goes:

All the people debating whether the best-case-scenario for the Patriot's season -- whether they should lose the Super Bowl and go 18-1, or go 19-0 and shut Old Man Shula and his minions up for good -- have it completely wrong. Think bigger, people.

The perfect scenario is for an undefeated Patriots to take on the Giants in the SuperBowl.

All the Mannings will be there.
Don Shula will be there.
Joe Buck will be announcing.
Tiki Barber will be there for attention-getting purposes.
And the Sports Dork.
Nickleback or their hip-hop equivalent will be the halftime entertainment.

And Mohammad Atta will somehow commandeer another plane, the US Waterboards, and fly it right into.....



Bud Grant said...

Bud Grant actually passed away six years ago, but the Grim Reaper doesn't have the balls to confront him about it.

Sun Devil said...

Bud Grant was and is a faggot.

ASU is Rose Bowl bound.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Jess is interested in Stephen Gostkowski.

After the Tony Romo incident...

Anonymous said...

You'd better pick San Diego in the GA bitch.

Owen Wilson said...

Kate, please, come back to me.

Not Terry Benedict said...

Players give up on Dorrell mid-game but they don't seem to give up on a season like the Raiders do.

Well at least they haven't yet.

NFL Adam said...

But are the Giants on TV in Los Angeles this week?

NFL Adam said...

Sorry, Lil' Hater, turns out they are. I think they've been on TV more than the Bruins.

DAWUSS said...

I get the feeling one day the Giants will move to LA, and the Jets will have Giants Stadium all to themselves...

Anonymous said...

Ohio State is out!

Anonymous said...

Oh snap, good call on the Falcons. I made some money today.