Monday, November 05, 2007

The Post Mortem

Welcome back, Gomer.

The image of Gomer Manning, Super Bowl champion, had become a little bit too disconcerting. Kind of like seeing Jaleel White as a player and serious actor, instead of the lovable, high-water pants wearing Urkel that we all came to know and love. Watching a helpless Gomer flail around looking for the ball he fumbled is a much more fitting image for his legacy, than his dimwitted grin while holding the Lombardi Trophy in rain-soaked Miami.

All of those pundits who proclaimed that the Colts Super Fluke cemented Gomer’s legacy as a winner owe us an apology. His pedestrian numbers and key fumble cemented his legacy as the NFL’s ultimate choke artist.

Once again.

Boston fans can now celebrate because it’s been almost 20 minutes since one of their teams won a world championship. ESPN’s Sports Dork Bill Simpson can make his Manning Face jokes again, keeping him from having to find new material. And that’s the only downside – Boston fans can continue to celebrate and be an obnoxious Grover Dill-version of New York. People consider Boston the new evil empire. But that’s not quite accurate. Boston is the Italy of the Axis powers.

And that must make the Colts the France of the Allied powers. Thanks for rolling over, Colts, now sit back and let somebody else clean up your mess.

  • A Colts fan sitting near the player's families was wheeled out of the stadium on a stretcher after being hit in the head with an empty Jim Beam bottle moments after Manning fumbled the ball. The victim recalls hearing a woman scream, “Damn it, Gomer, Jim would have held on to the ball” before blacking out. Authorities are looking for leads.

The Vikings defense ranked 32nd in the NFL against the pass, but Philip Rivers found a way to make them look like the Purple People Eaters of the 1970s. Seriously, what the hell was that Rivers? That was worse than the climatic football scene in Not Another Teen Movie.

Norv Turner outsmarted himself again, trying to exploit a favorable matchup and get Chris Chambers into the game, all at the expense of ignoring LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates. You know, his two superstars. Tomlinson ran the ball only 16 times. Rivers dropped back to pass 45 times, but only completed one pass to Gates.

Who thinks the Chargers are back now?

Don’t worry San Diego, the Chargers will win the AFC West. Hopefully they will lose in the first round before being humiliated in New England. But somehow, that is the way this is going to end, right?

  • LT’s letter. And for those of you writing in, yes, this is a real letter.
  • The Chargers have knocked out the opposing quarterback in successive weeks. Next up, Gomer. Jim Sorgi’s Mom is anxious with anticipation.

But first, nice game Eagles. Cris Collinsworth came out this week and called you a darkhorse contender and this is the performance that you have? In a must-win game against the Cowboys? Garrett Reid doesn’t have enough drugs to sooth the souls of morose Eagles fans. Even Charlie Weis and Notre Dame thought that was a feeble effort.

The Cowboys looked pretty dominant against the Eagles, but you would be foolish to bet against the Packers right now. No matter how hard Brett Favre tries to give away a game – like he did with that interception right be the end of the first half – the old man finds a way to get it done when the game is on the line. Sure, it’s been against Denver and Kansas City. But consecutive road wins is nothing to be ashamed of. Especially at Arrowhead Stadium.

  • The Saints are going to be the feel-good story again. And sure, they have beaten a couple of decent teams during their four-game winning streak (Seattle, Jacksonville). But that secondary is still pretty weak. Hard to take a team seriously when they surrender 354 yards to Quinn Gray.
  • What in the name of Wayne Fontes is going on in Detroit? All of these NFC teams look decent from week-to-week, but there always seems to be one fatal flaw. No, it’s not the defense. Not that the unit is good, but any Mike Martz offense can be shutdown in crunch time. Just look at St. Louis in the 1999 NFC Championship Game and the Super Bowl. The Lions are destined for one-and-out in the playoffs. But that should be enough to inspire the Detroit fans to burn down the city.
  • Good Lord, Arizona. The Kurt Warner Machine was sputtering, but what the hell happened to Edgerrin James who rushed for 15 yards on nine attempts. That doesn’t seem humanly possible.
  • Sebastian Janikowski missed a 64-yard field goal when he hit the upright. Way up the upright, like the kick would have been good from 74-yards. But just like the Raiders season, his kick was close but not quite there. JaMarcus Russell should get ready to see the field soon.
  • How does the recently unwrapped King Tut have a better complexion than Norv Turner? Yeah, we’re going there..
  • John Fox has to be done in Carolina. He’s make a pretty good defensive coordinator in San Diego.
  • Broncos coach Mike Shanahan is the Hulk Hogan of the NFL, living off a fake tan and past glory to overshadow his shortcomings. The Broncos have raided the Browns for defensive line help, drafted nearly the entire Florida defense and brought in coordinator Jim Bates. Now the team is farther from the Super Bowl than it ever has since John Elway retired. Not that he wouldn't be welcome in San Diego.

Oregon is likely happy to be sitting at No. 3, seeing what has happened to the No. 2 teams in recent weeks. There was some thought that the Ducks could jump to the second spot after defeating USC and ASU in consecutive weeks, but it wasn’t to be. And that’s fine. LSU has a tough remaining schedule with super heavyweights such as Louisiana Tech, Mississippi and Cypress College, so its luck will run out.

But as a college football fan, we beg Ohio State to do the right thing and bow out of the BCS standings. Just pass on your bid, accept an invitation to the Sun Bowl, and play a game that you can actually win. Yes, we remember your huge upset of Miami – and that was great – but don’t press your luck. You aren’t that good.

  • And what about Kansas? They still have games with Missouri and Oklahoma left, and hell, if Kansas can win those games, give them a chance to play for the national championship. And congratulations to the Jayhawks for running up the score on Nebraska. After being punked by Nebraska for years, they earned the chance to go for it.
  • How does Bill Callahan still have a job today? Tom Osborne should have changed the locks at halftime.
  • Rejoice UCLA fans, there is nothing Karl Dorrell can do now to keep his job. But who do you think you are going to hire to turn the program around? The Bruins don’t have enough money to lure a competent head coach. Although Norv Turner might be available.
  • Dennis Dixon is the Heisman Trophy winner, right? Cool, let's move on.

Each day, the servicemen and women of the United States wage war against religious zealots. That is why it’s nice to hear when some of our boys are able to fight back against some jihad warriors.

So congratulations to the Naval Academy who ended a 43-game losing streak to Notre Dame. God bless America.


DAWUSS said...

I don't think Jim Sorgi would have choked that game away, though. Anyone else agree with me?

flohtingPoint said...

Ah man, that ASU/Oregon game was painful to watch... Jumping 21 points in 5.3 seconds felt like carrying a critical mass of Uranium 235 in my ballsack and clinking my nuts together just for fun. If the 21 points Arizona State spotted Oregon wasn't bad enough, the debacle that closed out the half iced the cake...

Rudy Carpenter: "Whats that Coach? 30 seconds left on the clock, we're losing 13-21, no time outs and Brynn Cameron is still banging Matt Leinart? Roger that Dennis, a run play up the middle sounds fantastic!"

Conrad Bain said...

THN's closet Fundies take heed... faced between a devout homophobe and a non-believing cheater, God chose the cheater.

Instead of Tony Fundy, I think it's time to call him Tone One-and-Dungy.

Anonymous said...

Indianapolis needs to ask the Lord for forgiveness

Don Shula said...

I think I'm going to vomit.

Fletch said...

How bout this as a solution to the pending college football/nat'l championship mess?

We all know Ohio State is number one. What if, come the end of the year, we mesh together the 6 or so teams below them to form a superpower team to face them for the title? It's a little team I like to call: LoisOklaKansaOregSouri.

Or maybe I just saw that commercial too many times yesterday.

NFL Adam said...

Well played.

idiot pats fan said...

I am a big Pats fan and I understand why people hate them and I think this site is funny but there one thing I dont get. Why do people like indy so much? Man I hate Indy. Did you see that sign that dork was holding at game yesterday? "winning with integrity - priceless" At least the Pats just think theyre better at football than everyone else. Friggin Colts think theyre actually better people. Man I hate the COlts.

DAWUSS said...

I can't stand the Colts (Primarily Gomer Manning - the NFL's most overrated QB), I live in Indy, and I'm a Chiefs fan. So there ya go.

And I heard now that the Colts may have tried to cheat with fake crowd noise and Tom Brady was having problems receiving signals. The fun begins...

Not Terry Benedict said...

The early consensus among UCLA fans is that they should go after Chris Peterson. (I guess they figure you can underpay a guy just because he coaches in a mid-major.)

My gut tells me Slick Rick Neuheisel will get the nod. UCLA hasn't hired a guy from outside the program since Red Sanders.

At least I'll get to hear the same lame joke over and over during March Madness pools at the office.

Anonymous said...

You came to the wrong place if you are looking for people who like the Colts.

Bain said...

About the only thing we love more than the Colts around here is Georgia Frontandrearie.

NFL Adam said...

But who is more popular, the Colts or Norv Turner?

iditot pats fan said...

haha, good. glad to hear im not going to hell for hating colts, or at least i wont be alone when i get there. norv turner is a genius by the way.

BostonSucksMyBlog said...

oregon has to play for the title...LSU doesnt even look that good...oh well, at least Dixon can come in 2nd in the Heisman to the noodle arm in Boston

Anonymous said...

Colts fan here! It's funny everyone that everyone's jumping on the "Peyton's a choke artist" bandwagon when Brady let a 21-point deficit go in the AFC Championship last year. Oh, and the Colts beat the Pats in their last three meetings. Sure, Peyton had a down game and it could have the pressure, but to say he's overrated is completely irrational. How many records does Brady hold? Now how many does Manning hold? And isn't Brady CHASING Manning's TD record?

No one's saying the Pats aren't good...or even great. But to say that the Colts suck is foolish. It's funny how everyone says they hate the Colts, but they don't seem to realize that hate is a form of respect.

Oh, and everyone says the Colts cheat by pumping in sound, and it's mainly the teams with stadiums. The Colts play in a freakin' dome! It's going to be louder. And CBS has already been found at fault for the sound incident. The Pats will probably go 16-0 and that's fine, but the real challenge is when it counts the most: AFC Championship. We'll see who chokes (again) in January.

Maybe Brady will choke AGAIN by throwing another game-losing worse than Peyton's fumble during this game.