Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Unhappy Anniversary

Georgia Frontandrearie did more than just kill a husband and professional football in Southern California -- she also ruined Halloween. The Rams inexplicably traded Eric Dickerson twenty years ago today. And while it's hard to pinpoint one specific moment of incompetence from Frontandrearie that led to the end of the franchise in 1994, this was her signature moment.

Actually, her signature move would have been to have swimmers hold Dickerson underwater while he swam in Newport Beach. But then the Rams would have never got studs such as Gaston Green, Aaron Cox, Fred Strickland, Cleveland Gary, Frank Stams and Darryl Henley via trade.

Oh well, at least Dickerson is now in the St. Louis Ring of Honor, after being ungracefully tossed from the franchise and probably having never played a game in St. Louis. Yeah, that makes it totally even.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Fitzgerald has Grease Fettish

You hear that Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald has knocked up a Raiderette and you think, alright, the Raiders cheerleaders are as easy as ever. This is going to be the best story of the year.

And then you find out that it's a 37-year-old former Raiderette who looks like she played the part of Betty Rizzo in the dinner theater production of Grease, resulting in one of the biggest let downs since that alleged lesbian encounter with a pair of Panthers cheerleaders in Tampa. How low are the Cardinals on the trophy girlfriend totem pole? Matt Leinart goes for Amazon, WNBA rejects while Fitzgerald bags an aging Sopranos extra. Even the LA Avengers pull better chicks than this.

Fitzgerald is very close with former Cardinals coach Dennis Green, and even took a life lesson from the current Coors pitchman, asking his baby's mama to have an abortion. Remember that, fantasy geeks, when the Kurt Warner Machine ignores Fitzgerald because of that.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Who blows more?

The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, arguably the worst team in NFL history, hold the dubious distinction of being the last team to go winless in a season (0-14). And each season, Lee Roy Selmon and members of that team get together to open a bottle of champagne when the final winless team finally crosses over to the winning side. Actually, this is unconfirmed, but they probably do. Gathering at Lee Roy Selmon's restaurant each Sunday during the football year.

That mark seemingly in danger every year, but this year seems especially perilous because there are two teams challenging the NFL's record of futility -- the St. Louis Football Team and the Dolphins. But which team has the best chance of actually making a run at the 1976 Buccaneers?

If both teams end up winless, they should hold a special game the weekend prior to the Super Bowl and call it the Imposs-i-Bowl and let the Dolphins and St. Louis battle it out for the first overall selection in the draft.

The case for St. Louis: At some point you have to ask yourself the question, which is more improbable: St. Louis loses another offensive lineman (Richie Incognito) or that an Olympic swimmer would drown in three feet of water? Well probably never know. St. Louis also lost running back Steven Jackson who is hurt with a back injury. And he probably won't be too anxious to get back on the field any time soon.
Potential trap game: Dec. 2 vs. Atlanta

The case for the Dolphins: Who could have seen this coming, seeing that Cam Cameron did such a great job as head coach at Indiana. And if that wasn't enough, the team almost got quarterback Trent Green killed, while Ronnie Brown is done for the season. And in a real committment to get the record, they traded their only other bankable offensive star -- receiver Chris Chambers -- to San Diego so he experience winning.
Potential trap game: Dec. 2 vs. Jets

Who blows more?
St. Louis FT

The Post Mortem

If you had trouble getting cell phone reception on Sunday, you could probably blame Jim Sorgi's Mom who tied up the nation's cellular system with this message: "OMG, JIMZ IN DA GAME. GOMER SUX, - SORGI’S MOM" to her entire contacts list.

Thats' right, Jim Sorgi made his first appearance of the season and it should not be viewed as a coincidence that the Colts went on to defeat the Panthers, 31-7. Too bad the cameras couldn't capture that moment where Sorgi said, "Oh hell, I have to go into this game? Why can't Bellichick be our coach because then I'd never have to play."

But the big news is New England and Indianapolis both overcame temptation to look ahead, and instead took care of business rather handedly against potentially dangerous opponents. So now we get one of the biggest regular season games probably since the Cowboys and 49ers were slugging it out in the early 1990s. That also means that the real Super Bowl will be the AFC Championship Game, too.

The early handicap on this game has to favor the Colts -- especially if Sorgi is going to get into the game. The Colts will be at home and they have beaten the Patriots three consecutive times. The Patriots have looked pretty good, putting up impressive numbers against some allegedly good teams. But be honest, if the Colts really wanted to put a whooping on somebody, they certainly could. But Tony Dungy isn't hung like a field mouse, hellbent on letting everybody know how great he is. And nobody is going to confuse the AFC South opponents with the NFL Europe squads masquerading as the AFC East.

  • For those of you complaining about Bill Belichick running up the score, you need to stop it right now. If you want to stop the Patriots from scoring you play defense send somebody out on the field to go Charles Martin on Tom Brady. That would put an end to it really quick. Luckily for the Patriots, Rodney Harrison plays for them.

Congratulations to the city of San Diego for getting Qualcomm Stadium ready for an NFL game, that probably shouldn’t have been played. The Chargers performance also was a pleasant surprise considering that this team could have certainly mailed in this game. The game was a nice boost for the community that certainly needed some good news. A true triumph for the spirit of California.

But …

Don’t let the 35-10 score cover up the fact that the Chargers couldn’t really muster any offense in the second half. The Chargers ended the game with 237 total yards, with two touchdowns coming on special teams and defense. Antonio Cromartie’s first touchdown being a total gift. So take it with a grain of salt when the media starts to proclaim that the Chargers are ready to challenge for the AFC title.

The true test will come on Nov. 11 when the Chargers play host to the Colts, followed by games at Jacksonville, Baltimore, and at Kansas City. Win those games, and that will be impressive.

Seriously, did you think you were going to be able to enjoy this? You know better by now.

  • Hopefully the Colts won’t be looking past the Patriots game with the Chargers looming one week after.
  • Philip Rivers completed only seven passes (on 11 attempts), but three of them were for touchdowns. That touchdown-to-pass ratio puts him in the company of some other great passers – like LaDainian Tomlinson.
  • Mike Williams might be one of the biggest stiffs in the NFL. But that’s only because Dwayne Jarrett hasn’t been around long enough. Williams gator-armed a crucial fourth-down pass in the final minute that drew quite a tirade from former Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon. Normally, you wouldn't think of playing a rookie who missed the entire preseason, but Daunte Culpepper is pushing the Raiders close to starting JaMarcus Russell. What the Raiders should do is give Russell a series here as as change-of-pace quarterback who can do some things that Culpepper can't. Like complete a pass. That's what makes Williams drop understandable -- it was the rare Culpepper throw that actually hit its intended target in the numbers.
  • If the St. Louis football team is going to get over on the Browns, they might make a real run at 0-16. But the Dolphins might have them beat. Thankfully, residents in Southern California were treated to another Giants game. Haven’t we suffered enough? And you don’t want the NFL back here because you would start missing these awesome Giants games?
  • Speaking of stadium, the Chargers had better get really comfortable at Qualcomm Stadium or else look to put some money into expanding Sam Boyd Stadium in Las Vegas, because there is no way you can justify using public funds to build a stadium. That is, if there was ever a justification for it before.
  • The toughest job in sports? Trying to figure out which of the five Sunday games are going to have to be a part of NFL Network's "NFL Replay." Can you think of one game from Sunday you would willing watch again?
  • The Lions are neat, but their opponents record are 10-20.
  • Does anybody else believe that Eric Mangini is getting his karmic payback for ratting out his former boss? Or maybe he just blows.

The fall of Troy has people giddy and while we don’t to spoil the party as the residents of Lilliput and Blefuscu, celebrate, let’s not be so quick to dismiss the Trojans just yet. Losing to Stanford is bad, but losing to Oregon – who could very well end up in the BCS title game – certainly isn’t. And realize that USC hasn’t lost by more than seven points since 2001. The Trojans will not win a national championship this year, that is true. But let’s not act like this is the end of the dynasty.

That being said, they could really use an upgrade at offensive coordinator. Maybe Al Davis will need to hire another coach this year.

  • Much like the NFL, nobody seems concerned with what happened this weekend, instead choosing to focus on this week’s game of the century: Arizona State at Oregon. The Ducks will be done with the gauntlet part of the schedule after this week’s game. Of course, there’s still UCLA, looking to do just enough to save Karl Dorrell’s job.
  • Thankfully, Kentucky can stop parading around as a national contender. Maybe they can pair up the Wildcats and Cal in a bowl game to see who can suffer the biggest flameout.

Alex Rodriguez is going to opt out of his contract and that will lead to speculation that he will end up in Anaheim. But there is a better fit for A-Rod and that’s San Diego.

The city of San Diego made a huge investment in the Padres by helping to make PetCo Park a reality. Now the Padres owe it to the fans and the city to make an investment into the team and bring A-Rod to San Diego.

Except, he’s going to back in New York.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Weak Ender

No, no, no. Sophia Bush is not going out with Tony Romo. Seriously, this madness needs to end. Romo is making this personal. Next thing you know, he's going to take a run at Alyssa Milano. (Who was awesome on My Name is Earl last night.)

You should at least have to win a Super Bowl to attract girls like this. This is what's wrong with the sports world today. We make stars out of LeBron James and others before they ever win a championship. Back in the day, stars were made on the big stage. Joe Namath, for instance, wasn't a great statistical quarterback, but proved it in Super Bowl III. If he doesn't win that game, he's just another goof in a fur coat on the sideline. But that doesn't happen now. Sign the right endorsement and you are a huge deal.

And if you recognize Sophia from One Tree Hill or John Tucker Must Die, you are a Perry. Because the rest of us remember Sophia from her memorable three episode arch on Nip/Tuck.

And if you refer to something as a three-episode arch, you are a huge Perry.

Please notify the NFL that there are available stadiums in Los Angeles. Seriously. If the Chargers are in need of a temporary home, the Rose Bowl, Coliseum or Home Depot Center would do well for a one-game fix. Yet, the NFL is pushing to have the game played in Dallas.


Raiders fans.

Having the Chargers play in Los Angeles would be a logistical nightmare. Because if the Chargers played here, then people would actually want to come to the game. The NFL gave out free tickets to the Chargers game when the team had to relocate to Tempe, Ariz. for a game because of wildfires in 2003. And they would probably do it again for a relocated game this year.

Could you imagine if the Chargers were giving out free tickets to a game in Los Angeles? Chargers fans from around Southern California would be joined by Raiders fans looking for freebie tickets. Because deep down, the Raiders fans would be more loyal to a free ticket than watching their team lose to Tennessee this week. The NFL doesn't want to deal with a riot, which is what happened when the free tickets ran out. The NFL had no choice.

The only question is, how come this game isn't going to be relocated to Houston? The NFL already has a history of giving teams an extra home game when a team is playing another faced with a tragedy. Oh that's right, there's no history of giving teams and extra home game -- just the Giants.

And we all know that if Manhattan was burning, the entire NFL schedule would be pushed back a week. But since it's San Diego, the NFL is going to expect the Chargers and Texans to dodge misplaced San Diego residents on the way to the end zone.
  • We all know the Chargers are going to lose this game handedly right? When you are going to lose your house to a fire, there is no way you can concentrate on playing football. Yes, these guys make huge money, but we are talking about their neighborhoods going up in flames. The bummer is that this will give Norv a built-in excuse for the next couple of weeks.
  • Did anybody else notice the misprint earlier this week when the Colts were actually getting seven points against the Panthers? Teams coming off a bye hosting a non-conference opponent are typically pretty good, but the Colts getting seven points would have been the easiest wager in the world. You could imagine that Jim Sorgi's mom spit out her vodka tonic when she saw that line and said, "Even that horse-faced Gomer could beat the Panthers with seven points." But sadly, retirement has been pushed back as the Colts are giving seven points. Still, the Colts are 1-6 against the spread as road favorites. If you follow that kind of stuff for entertainment purposes.
  • Tom Brady was seen on South Beach after drubbing the Dolphins last week. Laugh it up, Tom. The Redskins defense is better than you think. The Colts or Patriots are going to lose this week. The Sports Gods don't like us enough to give us a match that we are all looking for. That just can't happen. The Patriots seem the most vulnerable this week. They always struggled against Jim Bates and his physical defenses when he was the coordinator in Miami. Plus Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams has some history with the Pats, going back to his stint as coach of the Bills. You have to believe that Joe Gibbs has at least one more trick up his sleeve. They have been playing too coy this week. The Redskins would be a great pick if this game was played in Washington.
  • Don't be surprised if the St. Louis Football Team actually squeaks out a win this week. There is something disconcerting about the Browns being in the hunt for a playoff berth. Plus, you have to figure that Derek Anderson is going to come back to Earth some time. Like the Rockies, the off week might have come at the wrong time.
  • What's up with the NFL's marketing team? If the Premiere League wanted to showcase itself in the NFL, do you think they would send one of the worst franchises to play against a team led by Wayne Rooney's goofy brother? Hardly. And what's with the talk of holding a Super Bowl in England? What time would that kickoff be, like 11 p.m. local time? The arrogance of people who try to peddle soccer here and American football overseas. The NFL is never going to replace futbol, so why even try? Maybe you can save some cash and try to make your product better in the states. One of the worst teams in the NFL is leading the AFC West. There are enough problems to address here, without having to go overseas to try to drum up support.
  • Having the Dolphins overseas can only make the NFL less popular, if that is even possible. If the NFL really wanted to make a bid for England, they should have sent the Raiders. Do you even need an explanation why?
  • Which epic matchup do you want to watch more, the Bills/Jets or the Jaguars/Buccaneers. Maybe we are thinking about this the wrong way. Maybe more of these games should be sent overseas.

Conversely, college football is getting exciting. USC travels to Eugene to play Oregon, and Arizona State plays host to Cal. Nobody is giving the Sun Devils much of a chance in this game. Funny, did anybody see Cal lose consecutive games to Oregon State and UCLA? How can you not think that the Sun Devils will prevail in this one? Be honest, Dennis Erickson is a great college football coach. Who would you rather have running your squad right now, Erickson or Jeff Tedford?

Sure, A State is going to end up on probation soon enough, but right now they are the better team. The Trojans, however, are in some real trouble. If USC can stop Oregon's running game, they should win this game.

Some experts believe starting Mark Sanchez is a bad move. Namely Todd Blackledge. And anybody who followed his pro career knows that he knows what it's like to make a bad choice. Blackledge believes that a starter shouldn't lose his job to injury. Meaning, that Drew Bledsoe would still be the quarterback of the Patriots if Blackledge was coach. So forgive us if we really don't care what he has to say.

And note, this will be a tough week for Sanchez whose father is still fighting fires here in Southern California.

  • Love the Friday night WAC games. Boise State and Fresno State this week. How does anybody not pull for any of these two programs. The WAC is entertaining football. Wish that Fresno State could get back into the national picture, though. But you really have to pull for Boise State here because you want the Broncos to have only one loss when they face Hawaii.

Instead of giving out free tacos for a steal, Taco Bell should have offered a taco for each time Jonny Paplebonner goes to the "Blue Steel" gaze when he's on the mound. No wonder nobody can hit off him. Ugh, the Rockies are in still in decent shape. Three consecutive wins in Colorado should help. They only have to win on in Fenway, might as well be game six. Besides, there would be nothing better than to see the Rockies -- of all teams -- celebrate on that field.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Hochuli Is Going to Sue Someone

Has anybody seen this new Subway commercial?

The commercial is kind of amusing -- though Southwest did basically the same thing years ago. But what Southwest didn't do is make fun of the greatest referee in the world, Eddie "Guns" Hochuli. Don't think so? Take a closer look at the commercial.

The referee is wearing Hoch's No. 85. The referee is over-explaining a call. But instead of Hochuli's trademark guns, this referee is super skinny.

Eddie G is going to be pissed. Not because this commercial is unfunny, but the fact that Eddie Guns never misses a call.


Expect an injunction any day now, or at the very least, a serious beat down of that jerk Jared. Hate that guy.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

America's Team

Is there anybody -- who has not transversed Dike Bridge -- who is rooting for the Red Sox to win the World Series? The Colorado Rockies have captured the hearts of America, even the most ardent baseball haters. The Red Sox have become the thing that they have hated the most -- the New York Yankees. Only with uglier female fans.

As much goodwill as the Diamondbacks, Marlins and Angels gave the world by vanquishing the Yankees, the Red Sox have undone by being even bigger idiots. At least when Yankees fans were boasting about their 26 titles, they could be proud of it. The team that the Yankees dominated baseball with in the 1990s had a roster that was home grown with guys like Jeter, Posada, and Rivera. They actually did it the right way.

Have you seen the Red Sox roster lately? Ortiz, Ramirez, Lowell, Schilling and Beckett -- all nabbed from struggling teams looking to save their payroll. The 1997 Marlins get a bad rap for being mercenaries, but they have nothing this collection of talent bought by Boston.

Nobody is giving the Rockies much of a chance because of the long break. Baseball being the only sport that seemingly punishes its teams for winning too fast. Don't let Detroit's debacle from last year's World Series fool you, because the Rockies can actually field a ball. Not only that, the Red Sox are going to have to play David Ortiz in the field for at least three games.

No the Rockies have a better than average chance. Colorado in five.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Lil' Hater: Burning Down the House

They say I'm going to hell, but if these flames move any further down the hill, some fireman is going to be scooping my melted body up with a shovel. All in all, you'd have to say Great White's SoCal Tour really isn't going too well this week. Do you think that if Scott Weiland & the Velvet Revolver boys play that STP “burn, burn, burn your wicked garden down” song on Friday, fans in Irvine would cheer like idiots or be appalled?

Oh wait, they bought tickets to see Velvet Revolver, never mind.

You know what the source of all these fires is? Irate Southern Californians, from Malibu to Tijuana's Hat, rioting in anger over having to watch another deity-damned Giants game again on Sunday. And can you really blame them? They'd better not try showing us the Giants game against the 0-7 Dolphins, or the entire state will go up in flames. And I’m still waiting for an explanation why a game being played in the London –- the closest thing Europe has to New York –- counts as a home game for Miami.

Seriously, what’s the more impressive streak this year –- New England snot-kicking every team by at least 17 points every week, or a mediocre team from the East Coast getting all its games televised on the networks more than 3,000 miles away? (And do they show Chargers games in New York? No. You know why? Nobody moves from San Diego to New York. Even when the entire county is an inferno.)

If you assume 12-14 or so games a week (taking bye weeks into account), and that only five games are shown here every week (and that two of those have to be the Chargers and Raiders), statistically speaking there’s less than a 0.04 percent chance that the Giants should have been on every week. Maybe less. But you've been warned FOX and CBS, these fires in Southern California are on you.

Who Blows More?

The 2007 season hasn't reached the halfway point yet, and already the season is a smashing success. Namely because the St. Louis Football Team and Oakland Raiders both suck. And they are not going to get any better -- at least not for the conceivable future. The main reason is the quarterback position. Both teams are lead by quarterbacks who could use another season of NFL Europe. If that league still existed, of course. So the question on everybody's mind is, who blows more, Daunte Culpepper or Marc Bulger?

  • The case for Culpepper: Everybody proclaimed that the old Daunte Culpepper was back when he accounted for five touchdowns against the Miami Dolphins. But two things that those myopians never considered -- Randy Moss no longer plays for the Raiders. And the Dolphins are the worst team in the National Football League. The old Culpepper just heaved balls into the air and let Moss come down with the football. Pretty much what Tom Brady is doing right now. And while all of the media wonders if the Patriots can match the 1972 Dolphins, the current edition of the team looks to challenge the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers in terms of futility. Remember, there was a reason why the Raiders wanted to start Josh McCown while he was riding in wheelchair. When Josh McCown is considered a better alternative, you really, really must blow. A-hole.

  • The case for Bulger: The St. Louis apologists will likely point out that Marc Bulger lost his best lineman and running back-- Pro Bowlers Orlando Pace and Steven Jackson -- and has played with bruised ribs behind a makeshift offensive line. And it's true. In fact, Bulger is the only quarterback in the NFL who has been injured this season. And the St. Louis football team is the only team that has suffered injuries to its offensive line. Nobody else has to face a crisis like this. Oh wait, every team has injuries. The Ravens have injuries and they are still winning. No put this one on Bulger who is leaning on the injury card like a partisan politician points the finger. There is no coincidence that Bulger has limped through a season after signing that huge extension. Even Shaun Alexander thinks you should earn your money. Jerk.

Who blows more?
Daunte Culpepper
Marc Bulger free polls

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Post Mortem

We've all been there. You spend a night partying and are welcomed by a call the next morning from your boss, telling you to get your but to work.

Only, most of us weren't expected to put in an MVP-type performance in the Super Bowl. At best, we were asked to bus some tables, make a few extra cold calls, or surf the Internet by pretending to edit for real estate newsletter.

But that is what Max McGee did. McGee was at the tail end of his career in 1966, when he caught only four passes leading in the Packers' journey to Super Bowl I. McGee, figuring that he wasn't going to play in the NFL-AFL Championship Game (as it was called back then), spent Super Bowl Saturday the same way that the Gridiron Apocalypse crew does -- hitting the town and drinking a lot of booze. McGee slipped out of the team hotel after bed check and partied the night away.

McGee was so confident that he wouldn't play, he didn't even bother to bring his helmet out to the game. But you know how this story goes, McGee was called into action -- he had to borrow a linemen's helmet -- with blurred vision, a dry mouth and throbbing headache. Compared to that, the Chiefs defense was a mere cocktail onion. McGee led the Packers with seven receptions for 138 yards and a pair of touchdowns. Remember that the next time you think you are too hung over to go to work. McGee is an inspiration to us all.

If the NFL had a Rat Pack, it would figure that Max McGee would be the ring leader. They just don't make them like McGee anymore. The Packers should honor his memory next Monday by playing with hangovers. Sherman Lewis would if he was still the team's offensive coordinator.

Damn, what is happening to all of the world's great drinking buddies?

  • But seriously, what was the guy doing on the roof with a leaf blower? Maybe Mike Ditka should parlay this tragedy at the congressional hearings and say, "You see, jerks! If you paid us former players a higher pention, Max McGee could have hired a Puerto Rican kid from the neighborhood to blow the leaves off the roof."

    And then congress could be like, "Damn Ditka, isn't that a little racist? Why does the kid have to be Puerto Rican?"

    And then Ditka could be all, "Dude, I'm Iron Mike, man, I can say what I want. Who wants to fight me?"

    Man, Ditka is old school.
  • So maybe Lane Kiffin isn’t the second coming after all. The Raiders had a neat little two-game winning streak, just like last year, to keep the Raiders fans myopic for the rest of the season, while the rest of us laugh as the dysfunction of the silver and black. And don’t look now, but your Kansas City Chiefs are in first place in the AFC West and have won nine consecutive games against the Raiders. That is just depressing. A friend turned off the Chiefs game a couple of weeks ago because he felt that the Chiefs were one of the worst football teams he has ever seen. Hopefully A.J. Smith is still happy with his choice for Chargers head coach.

  • Would have anybody been surprised if Tom Brady showed up after half time showered, in a suit and a super model on each arm? But don't get mad about the Patriots bringing Brady back out to run up the score. At least nobody is talking about Belichick's cheating anymore.
  • Cris Collinsworth still believes that the Patriots are the best team in NFL history. Because they beat the Dolphins. That's like some dude playing hours and hours of Madden against the computer and believing that he can beat a real player. The Patriots still have a lot of games to play and they will slip. They always do. Not like you can compare NFL over generations. Hell, it would be hard to compare the Patriots to the 1990s Cowboys because the game has changed that much. This is almost too stupid to talk about. Like maybe they need a new way to stroke the Patriots.
  • Has Neil Rackers ever made a game winning kick? Not like the Cardinals get many opportunities. Rackers missed that game against the Bears last year, and then blew it yesterday against the Skins. This after the Kurt Warner Machine led a gutty comeback. But it figures Rackers would miss. He looks like the kind of guy that would order a couple of rounds at the bar and then skip out on the tab while he sneaks out with your girl friend. Which is probably how his Cardinals teammates feel about him today.
  • Congratulations to Mike Bironas for kicking eight field goals in a game. That's akin to being valedictorian of traffic school. But don't call this game a "classic." Any game that has eight field goals from one guy is automatically disqualified. This was the kind of game that should make your reevaluate your stance on soccer
  • Besides, you can't really be considered a kicker unless you act like a Gramatica brother when you win.
  • Anybody notice that John Lynch made the emotional plea to his teammates to play for their fallen teammates -- Darrent Williams and Damien Nash -- prior to the game while the cameras were rolling? Yes, prior to the Broncos nationally televised game. Evidentially Lynch didn't care about his departed teammates when the Broncos were playing the Bills. This guy should work on Guiliani's campaign.
  • How does Tiki Barber think that the NFC East is the best division in football when the Eagles play in the NFC East. You know, the team that lost at home to the Bears? The Cowboys are a fraud. Eli Messiah -- at last check -- is still the quarterback of the Giants. And the Redskins score about as often as Zach. That division is overrated.

If there was any justice in the world, LSU would fall in the polls about three spots. Because that was the precident that was sent when USC won a close game at home. Funny, partisan conference supporters use parity to illustrate the point that their conference is the best. But only the SEC gets the benefit of the doubt in the polls. LSU wins a close game, they leap Boston College. USC wins a close game, they drop three spots. Florida beats an overrated Kentucky team, they get a huge bump in the polls. Rutgers beats South Florida, and they squeak into the Top 25. South Florida, of course, drops from No. 2 to No. 11 after losing on the road to the No. 25 team in the country.

But as stated in this space last week, there is no use belly aching about the polls. LSU is going to lose another game this season, and that should pretty much take the SEC out of the BCS picture. Oregon survived a scare, but won a pretty tough roadie at Washington. Idle Arizona State will play host to reeling Cal. USC? When Notre Dame supporters rejoice because their team only lost by 38 points, that should say something. But let's not crown USC just yet. They proved that they can still non-conference opponents, but haven't really proven that they can handle the tough Pac-10 teams.

  • UCLA is the worst team in the Pac 10. The Bruins have more talent than anybody and could probably run the table in the conference. But they lose these b.s. games to Utah or Notre Dame, which kills them in the polls. The Bruins are the ultimate spoilers in the Pac 10 -- not competent enough to do some real damage on their own. In other words, the are the c-blocker of the Pac-10. If UCLA can't get the hot chick in the bar, they are trying to make sure that nobody else can't either.
  • Boston College would make a great story, but we can't have too much success for Beantown because they are already beyond annoying.


When was the last time the NFL actually had an actual marquee game on Monday Night Football? A game so good, even Tony Kornheighkklyusher couldn't wreck it. (Though, try as he might.)The Jaguars need to be in the discussion of the top NFL teams, and beating the Colts would be a pretty good way to start.

Went with Indianapolis in the picks pool, but the Jaguars seem poised to prove that last year's beat down wasn't a fluke. Still, Gomer is just too good after bye weeks and in October, that you just have to side with the Colts on this one. Besides, the Colts won't fold until the Patriots humiliate them in a few weeks.

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Weak Ender

Shawne Merriman and Kendra from the Girls Next Door (one of Hef's girls) have been photographed together, so that can only mean one thing -- they are doing it. Yep, it's just that easy, be photographed with somebody and the next thing you know, you are sleeping with them.

Which will explain why you see me running behind Angie Harmon to take a quick photo. But with my luck, the picture would just be me and Jason Sehorn. Again.

But God bless the internets for spreading rumors like this. Not going to try to discredit this rumor because, honestly, who really cares, right?

But if Merriman was smart, he'd go for Bridget, anyway.

Only one game on Sunday will feature two teams with a winning record -- Buccaneers (4-2) at Detroit (3-2). And is there anybody looking forward to this one? The Buccaneers are down to Michael Bennett and Zack Crockett at running back. And they are one of the favorites in the NFC. Jeff Garcia has played well, but look for more of those 13-10 snooze fests.

The Lions can't play defense. And the offense -- which is a Mike Martz trait -- turtles under any sort of pressure. The Lions struggled against the Redskins, and will likely fold against the Buccaneers defense, too. But if you have Garcia in your fantasy league be sure to start him.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is your marquee match up of Weak 7.

Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady (again) will be the favorites to be the NFL MVP. Brett Favre might even get a few nostalgic votes. But the real MVP of the 2007 season is Plaxico Burress. The guy has played on one leg and he has carried his team from a rudderless 0-2 team, to one of the top teams in the NFC.

Though, being one of the top teams in the NFC is like being one of the hottest chicks in Boston.

Anytime Eli Messiah is in trouble, he just closes his eyes and heaves it high for Burress -- who always seems to catch it. Just as the dudes in our fantasy league. (Not that one, Bernie.) You can talk about Brady and the rest of the guys, and hey, they are valuable too. But nobody more than Burress.

Put it this way, if it was for Burress, Eli would be Tim Hasselbeck.

Some wise (and handsome) sage indicated last week that nobody should get worked up over the polls because there is a lot of football to be played. But one thing we do know -- South Florida will not be given the same benefit of the doubt that LSU was. South Florida played a tough game against a pretty good Rutgers team, and nearly came out of there with the victory. But being the hunted is far different from being a team looking to spring an upset. Not that it will matter as South Florida will be ushered out of the top ten.

There was an amusing anecdote earlier in the game, when one Harris pollster admitted that he would vote LSU above South Florida because the Tigers have a greater college football history. This is why you shouldn't get upset about the polls. But thanks for playing South Florida, it was a great ride.

The team this is the best news for? Oklahoma. The Sooners will likely waltz through the rest of the mediocre Big XII, and end up at the top spot. Louisiana State will find a way to lose another game. Ohio State will lose to Michigan. Boston College? Forget about it. This means that Oklahoma will once again be in the BCS title game because it timed its loss perfectly.

South Carolina is another one of those teams that is on everybody's radar, but they are bound to lose a game, too. If you are looking for an outside darkhorse, take a look at Oregon.

  • The Chiefs are the only team in the AFC West to have a winning all-time against the Raiders. And if the Chiefs can beat the Raiders (given), they will be in first place in the AFC West. Seriously, is there any division worse than the AFC West? Oh yeah, the NFC West. Not only are we on the verge of a division winner being 7-9 (and that would be awesome), but we have two divisions that could have 7-9 winners. Hell, the St. Louis Football Team is 0-6 and still in the NFC West race.
  • If the Cowboys can't take care of business at home against the Vikings, you might as well write off the season. The Boys will end up killing the Vikings by 30. The Cowboys weekness is pass defense -- as they have been decent against the run. Dallas will get back on track this week.
  • If there was any justice in the world, Rex Grossman would be able to play this week against his long, lost brother Donovan McNabb. Some emails have raised the point that maybe THN is a little too hard on McNabb, but look at the similarities. Both quarterbacks have ridden great defenses to prominence, and both have puked (literaly or figuratively) in the Super Bowl. They are practically twins.
  • How excited is Steelers running back Willie Parker right now? The guy had two weeks to watch the Broncos running defense. He could go for 200 this weekend. But at some point, the Broncos have to get what Jim Bates is saying, right?
  • Be sure to check with Bim Bim the Bastard for his weekly picks. The dude is typically spot on, but have to disagree with the Cowboys wager.


USC has lost to Stanford, and struggled against Arizona. But remember, USC played a lot of close games against Pac-10 teams last year before killing Michigan. The Trojans should be Notre Dame by 20 this weekend. If not, then this team is in serious trouble. Although there was a Notre Dame team in the 1950s or 60s that won only two games one season -- against UCLA and USC.

Thanks to Bucky for the link to the video.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

RIP: Joey Bishop

Upon reaching the pearly gates of Heaven, Joey Bishop groused to the big bouncer in the sky that he was, "Told to be here."

Joey Bishop has passed away at 89.

Joey hasn't performed in years nor shown his face at the fights held at the Irvine Marriott, but the world was just a better place with him around, as one of the last links to the Rat Pack. An era when entertainers were, well, entertaining.

Don't be fooled by Kimmel's ban

Looks like ESPN is taking a cue from Vince McMahon and the WWF.

Late night host Jimmy Kimmel was banned from Monday Night Football, but seeing is not always believing. To put it in wrestling terms -- the banning of Kimmel is a work. In other words, this whole thing was orchestrated by Monday Night Football to get increase its sagging ratings.

Kind of convenient seeing that this publicity comes prior to the Monday night's biggest game of the season, Indianapolis vs. Jacksonville.

Having Kimmel in the booth in Atlanta for an otherwise meaningless game seemed kind of strange and out of place. But now everything is perfectly clear. Kimmel was there to stir up some controversy and give so much needed life to a faded franchise. Monday Night Football is the Kathleen Turner of sports television shows, where it leaves viewers scratching their heads and thinking, "I once thought you were hot?" Now the show stars as a cross-dressing man in a popular sitcom.

So now you have to wonder what the next move is for ESPN. Obviously, nothing is going to happen to Kimmel. ABC is smitten with the guy -- as they should be. Kimmel hosts award shows and, like he said on Monday night, he will be filling in for Regis. One bit of conjecture would be that ESPN might be thinking to put Kimmel in an opposing booth with some pals like the Sports Dork Bill Simpson and Adam Carolla on ESPN 360. Kind of like what ESPN has already done with Calvin Cowherd on some of its college football broadcasts. And what better way to generate interest for this, would be to have Kimmel be banned from the real Monday night broadcast.

This kind of thing has happened before on Monday night. Only it was the WWF's Monday Night Raw, when Jim Ross had a separate broadcast. So is this what ESPN has stooped to? Howard Cosell must be rolling over in his grave.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Apparently "Mid Week" has morphed into an every-other-week thing, which should be good for CAPPY's porn downloading schedule. It's mostly because I'm busy trying to convince myself I'm busy, a.k.a. crying when I get to the subway, click on 'Arrested Development' on my I-Pod and realize that I again forgot to add "Tennessee," leaving me the sole option of the subpar "Mr. Wendal" unless I want to furiously back-click.

The little battles in life are really what gets to me, probably because I currently live with my mom and am clinically obese. Looking at the big picture would probably make me long for Chris Benoit after a few HGH margaritas as my common-law partner.

True litmus test: time aside, I'd still watch the Saved by the Bell JUNIOR HIGH years over this. Uh huh. The Rockies are good. Awesome. We get it. Same with the Patriots. Sports dominance right now has fewer new angles than that girl you plowed midway through sophomore year. But Miss Bliss, on the other hand ... meow.

People That Aren't Professional Athletes
"After last night, he better pay for parking!" - some girl Derek Jeter pretzeled all night long. I once coached a team of eight year olds to a second place finish in a summer day camp league; the only thing that touches my manhood is the tepid water of my morning shower through my cascade of tears.

The Heisman Trophy
Can you think of a time when its awarding seemed more meaningless? It's the socio-cultural equivalent of Toonces the Driving Cat.

The World Series
Cleveland vs. Colorado. Ha. This stuff writes itself.

Marty Schottenheimer
(1) Because of the above, he'll have to keep watching NFL Films video of Browns vs. Broncos from the mid-1980s.
(2) His son couldn't coordinate the offensive of a Jewish bagel deli.
(3) The Chargers are about to blow up again.
(4) According to the strict definition offered up near the end of Pulp Fiction, he is, in actuality, still a bum.

Piss-Poor Comedians
Frank Caliendo, impressionist fat ass, might have been the biggest non-Arizona or Turner executive loser to emerge from the NLCS. By virtue of a sweep, he's gone over a month before his show actually debuts (don't worry: there's always pre-game for Jets vs. Niners). Dane Cook's faux-excited "There's only one October!" will be heard by precisely one person next week - whatever soon-to-be-exposed pervert holds the Mayor's Chair in Denver.

Bill Self
I picture him looking in a mirror about 14 minutes before Midnight Madness, calmly repeating over and over: "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. This is the year I reach the Final Four," then breaking down in convulsive tears, barely able to control the razorblade in his right hand, and inexplicably smearing mascara all over his face when Brandon Rush walks in, stares straight ahead, and silently slinks away.

Bill Callahan
Osborne to him right now: "It puts the lotion on its skin, or it receives the hose again."

Tim Tebow
When Woodson puts the carving knife to his Heisman hopes and BCS contention on Saturday, I'm wondering how he'll top his "kiss and cry" CBS appearances so far this season. Oh yea. By f*cking Ashley Judd silly.

A haiku:
The Power Rankings
are very predictable
Brady's dick wins out.

Bolts Smith new Halos GM

Maybe A.J. Smith is not going to be the Angels new general manager, but think of what he pulled off yesterday. By acquiring veteran receiver Chris Chambers, Smith did the unthinkable -- a rare trading deadline blockbuster in the NFL. Some as foreign in the league as a Norv Turner winning season. Smith now has more blockbuster deadline deals than retired Angels G.M. Bill Stoneman, with one.

So maybe Smith wouldn't be such a bad choice to be the Angels G.M., just don't let him hire a manager.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Kobe: Please Don't Go

The Lakers can’t trade Kobe Bryant. The Lakers must do whatever they possibly can to keep Kobe Bryant in Los Angeles. This trade would be an absolute disaster for those of us who use Kobe as an excuse to ignore the Lakers and the NBA in general. A Lakers team with Luol Deng/Ben Gordon/Kirk Hinrich or Gilbert Arenas would almost be too good to ignore.

That is, of course, until one of them goes courting in a Colorado hotel room or they lobby to get the best player on the team traded. Then it would be easy to ignore them again. No, we are going to have to find a new reason not to follow the NBA. Maybe the death of Chick Hearn? Maybe. We'll keep you posted.

Lloyd Still a T.O. Wannabe

Brandon Lloyd, like Terrell Owens, was a mid-round receiver who the 49ers had high hopes for. And like Owens, Lloyd can’t really hang on to a football, either, which is why he is wallowing at the end of the Redskins bench.

In one last gasp to be like Owens, Lloyd has decided to bring up the old rumors that Troy Aikman is gay in a recent interview. Lloyd was upset with Aikman was critical of the enigmatic receiver's talent for dropping footballs. So Lloyd called him gay. But if thinking Lloyd sucks makes you gay, then 100 percent of the football viewing audience is flaming. Because Lloyd is just tearing up the league with one reception for nine yards.

Owens, for all of his faults, has actually accomplished something in his career -- the took the urban Rex Grossman to a Super Bowl. And when he picked a fight with Jeff Garcia, he chose somebody at his skill level. So instead of calling out a Hall-of-Fame quarterback with three Super Bowl rings, maybe Lloyd should have called out somebody commiserate with his own skill level. Like Kordell Stewart.

Or if Lloyd really wants to be like T.O., he can just go break his leg.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Lil' Hater: Oh Great, the Giants

All Southern California residents are really excited about tonight's Monday Night's matchup, with the NY Giants and some other team. Because what SoCal residents want -- more than anything -- is a chance to see the Giants play on network TV.

Oh wait. Every game those a-hole Giants have played so far this year has been broadcast on the local stations, or ESPN. Evidently, of the five games we get every week, it's mandated somewhere that we have to look at Eli overthrow everyone and look retarded, Strahan to hit on the male cheerleaders, and for Shockey play with his hair in at least one of those games.

Christ, we even got the Giants-Jets game the other week. Even people in the Meadowlands didn't want to watch that one.

I mentioned this last year, when the Giants were stuffed down our throats nearly every week, but there's a very compelling reason people here live as far as possible from NY. We hate the place. So stop pretending like some mediocre, over-hyped team that won't get out of the first round of the playoffs again is an interesting story. They're not.

That last sentence goes for the Yankees, too.

The Post Mortem

Lane Kiffin was celebrated when he learned a lesson from Mike Shanahan and iced Browns kicker Phil Dawson the week after Shanny had done the same thing to Sebastian Janikowski. Kiffin has proven to be quite a pupil of Shanahan as he also followed Shanahan's game plan on how to allow LaDainian Tomlinson to run wild on his defense.

Even Norv Turner could have seen that was a bad idea.

What does that say about the Raiders incompetence? Your prodigy was schooled by the coach who gave birth to the Raiders streak of futility against the AFC West -- which has reached 16 games now. And yeah, we won't go so far as to say the Chargers are back and ready to challenge for the AFC title, but any victory over the Raiders should be celebrated. Especially since the Chargers were operating with the handicap of Turner at the helm.

I'd like to think that the last thing that went through a Raiders fan's mind -- other than how many quarters am I going to have to steal from for the local laundromat to pay back his bookie for the money I borrowed to get an obstructed view ticket at the lower bowl of Jack Murphy Stadium -- is how Norv Turner got the best of them.

That's something to ponder as the Greyhound bus makes its traffic detour around the Newhall pass.

From the San Francisco Gate on Wednesday:

How's this for bonding during a bye week? Raiders quarterback Daunte Culpepper, who must have known he would start in Sunday's game against the Chargers, was spotted in Las Vegas on Saturday (last week) with teammates Kirk Morrison and Stuart Schweigert.

According to our man-about-town Norm Clarke of the Las Vegas Review-Journal, Pep, Kirk and Stu were living large: the trio ordered more than 20 bottles of Cristal champagne while partying at Poetry, formerly known as the OPM Nightclub, inside the pricey Forum Shops at Caesars Palace.

Evidentially, the boat rental shops at Lake Mead had turned them away.

All of the bluster about the Patriots being the best team of all-time has already started in earnest, thanks to the normally level-headed Cris Collinsworth who said as much on Sunday night. Six games. The Patriots are off to neat start, but isn't there a team who makes a bid for the 1972 Dolphins each season? And not just Indianapolis and their annual run at perfection.

To borrow a phrase from Coors Light pitchman, if you want to crown their (donkey), than crown them. But let's wait a few weeks. Physical defenses have always given the Patriots fits. Watch for the Patriots game against Washington in two weeks to be a pretty good test.

Sure, the Redskins blow. But the Gregg Williams has shut down Jon Kitna and the Lions, he shut down Brett Favre this week, so this game is one you should circle on your calendar that the Patriots could lose. Plus this game comes one week before the showdown with Colts, so the Patriots will be ripe for an upset during that week. Don't count it just yet, but definitely keep an eye on that one.

  • The 1976 Buccaneers are officially worried as the St. Louis Football Team and Miami Dolphins both look like they can make a run at 0-16. The SLFT has so many injuries even the Devil, who owns Georgia Frontandrearie's soul, is starting to feel sorry for them. Well, not really. This is just desserts for that franchise.
  • Speaking of the Buccaneers, their running back troubles would be gone if they had picked Adrian Peterson in the first round instead of Gaines Adams. Not that Adams is bad -- he notched his first sack on Sunday, and hindsight is perfect -- but lord, there are going to be six teams who will regret passing on Peterson. Although, maybe yours truly should heed his own advice and not get crazy after six games.
  • Kurt Warner is injured. Is anybody really surprised by this? The Cardinals are one injury away from Tim Hasselbeck playing. Maybe Coach Whisenhunt should bring in a mobile quarterback and go back to the platoon with Warner because that is where he will be his most effective.
  • How bad is the NFL these days? The Chiefs are 3-3. And they are awful. Marvin Lewis is going to be looking for a new job real soon. The Bengals kept talking about how this was a must-win game, and they didn't show up until there was around nine minutes left, which was way too late. Lewis can get pissed and yell at the players -- as he did last week -- but the coach has to take some accountability. With all of the arrests and other nonsense that has gone on in Cincinnati, the time to make a change is here.

The NCAA and the voters might as well announce that no matter what happens, they just plan on putting LSU in the BCS title game. Guess complaining about your conference and already conceding a loss (like Loss Miles did before the season started) does pay off. You can call it a quality loss, but Kentucky isn't that good. They are the beneficiary of the SEC myth.

At the same time, complaining about the polls is pointless at this point because, as evidenced already this year, the polls are going to change drastically. For instance, the top four teams in the Pac-10, USC, Cal, Oregon and Arizona State still have the majority of their round-robin tournament coming up. (With Cal and Oregon already playing each other.) If any of those four teams can run the table, they deserve to be in the national title game. Especially the Devils, who would likely be undefeated if they ran the table.

But hey, there's too much football left. And while it might be therapeutic to vent about USC moving down three spots after a freaking win, then there really is no point to be concerned. Run the table and get in. That's about as simple as it gets.

  • ASU is on a bye this week, then they play host to Cal on October 27, travel to Oregon the following week, and play host to USC on Nov. 22. Watch them win all three of those but lost at UCLA. That's the kind of stuff that Karl Dorrell would pull to somehow keep his job.
  • South Florida had better make the most of this run for the title because those SEC schools are never going to schedule you again. But how quickly would the NCAA move to a playoff if it had a South Florida vs. Boston College BCS title game. But ...
  • How long before the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson, jumps on the Boston College bandwagon? That can only be a matter of days. A potential feel good story will be ruined by the Dork.
  • What's the deal with the Football Bowl Subdivision, as opposed to Division I? Heard this phrase in passing, but never really gave much thought to it, until they started making such a big deal about it during the BCS stuff. This seems obvious that the former Division I football wants to kick the WAC, Mountain West, et all down to the Football Playoff Subdivision (former Division I-AA) so they won't have to deal with teams such as Boise State upsetting Oklahoma in a bowl game. At the same time,those conferences will remain Division I in other sports. That might not be a bad idea for some of these Mid Majors. If they Football Playoff Subdivision could get a major television sponsor, maybe that wouldn't be a bad alternative for some of these mid-major schools. Who wouldn't want to watch college football playoffs in December instead of these meaningless bowls?
  • Thanks for your time Colt Brennan, but your time as a Heisman hopeful are now over. You had Friday night all to yourself and that is the performance of you come up with? Not good.
  • Boise State and Nevada provided some entertaining football on a Sunday night. College overtime rules. Nice to see that the WAC cares about student's schooling with games on Friday and Sunday night. Not that anybody takes a class before 11 a.m. anyway.
  • Kudos for the writers of Shark, who got a not-so-subtle jab in on Barry Bonds during Sunday night's episode.

Biggest upset of the weekend: the Black Crowes did not play Conspiracy, Jealous Again or Remedy during its show on Friday night.

No wonder Kate Hudson left you.

Friday, October 12, 2007

The Weak Ender

The Weak Ender, printed early so ESPN's Bill Simpson can use it to make his picks.

The Redskins cheerleaders are so hot ... (how hot are they?) ... Michael Strahan said that he would go straight for them.


In a move more contrived than Troy Aikman doing a commercial where a girl repeatedly sacks him, Strahan announced that the Skins have the hottest cheerleaders in the NFL. But Stahan picks women like A.J. Smith picks coaches so can we really trust him? After some judicious research, the Redskins cheerleaders aren't bad.

Props to Sports By Brooks for the find.

Some people never seem to learn.

Everybody seems ready to deem the Chargers ready to challenge for the AFC again after their thrashing of the Broncos last week. But this only sets up a huge Norv-like meltdown this week against the Raiders. Sure, the Raiders have lost 15 consecutive games against the AFC West. But Norv was responsible for the bulk of them. Norv also had a habit of losing to the Cowboys when he was the coach of the Redskins. No, this game has the perfect set-up for a Chargers meltdown. The Chargers nearly gagged this game at home last year, and even though Lane Kiffin isn't the next John Madden, he isn't Norv Turner.

Say what you want about Marty Schottenheimer, but he knew how to beat the Raiders. Marty was 27-7 against the Raiders. He couldn't win a playoff game, but at least he knew how to clean up against his rival. Something that could not be said for Norv.

BTW, how big was last week's game at Denver? That victory probably saved the lives of more than a few Chargers fans. Think about it. Had the Raiders -- who are already in first place -- rolled in here against a 1-4 Chargers team ... well Raiders fans would have been real stabby with a crowd majority. Now the split will likely be about 60-40 in favor of the Chargers, instead of the 80-20 it would have been in favor of the Raiders if the team had lost in Denver. Look for Chargers fans fatalities to be only in single-digits.

Don't bother getting excited for the Patriots vs. Cowboys game. This one is going to be a runaway for the Patriots. Road team winners on Monday Night Football don't normally perform well the following week. A trend that will be compounded when you play one of the two good teams in the NFL. This game would be tough for Dallas -- especially given the way they won -- if they were playing New Orleans. They have no chance to win against the Patriots. Let's not forget that Wade Phillips also has a propensity to gag in the big games, too. This one is set up perfectly for Hoody, who hasn't had to play a decent team yet this season.

But that won't stop the talking heads from scratching their heads and wondering what went wrong for the Cowboys, as they were blown out. Peter King will sit there dumbfounded, trying to figure out how the Cowboys could have lost so bad. If you can't see this Cowboys loss coming, then maybe you shouldn't be paid to talk about the NFL.

  • What do you figure is the over/under on the number of drops for Terrell Owens? Randy Moss will miss this head-to-head competition going away. When did T.O. turn into this limp-wristed pansy, a glorified version of Brandon Lloyd? This was a guy who recovered from a broken leg and almost made Donovan McNabb a winner. Now he's as jumpy as Michael J. Fox on a Red Bull bender.
  • But before we crown the Patriots (donkey), let's remember this is a really old football team. The injuries haven't set in just yet. Moss started his Raiders career with a bang, as he looked unstoppable in his first five games. But then he pulled up lame with some injury and that was that. The Patriots have avoided the injury bug so far, but the hammer is going to drop soon.
  • If there is one concern about the Kurt Warner Machine is that he has thrived in that relief role. How is he going to react if he gets pounded over a full game? That's a legitimate concern. Warner played great in the first game last season, but after he got knocked around a few times, he lost his job to Matt Leinart. However, that might not be too much of concern because Arizona quarterbacks have only been sacked five times this season. The Cardinals will win the NFC West if the protection holds up. If not, it's Tim Rattay time. Enough said.
  • The St. Louis Football Team has been bellyaching about their injuries, and true, they have had some key injuries. But look at the Chiefs and the team the SLFT plays this week, Raven, who also has been stung. The only problem is that those teams have found a way to win a game, while the SLFT has found ways to lose.
  • How come Randy Mueller is not getting any criticism for making the worst hire outside of Turner? What made him think that Cam Cameron was a good hire? Hiring a former NFL coach in college makes sense. Pitt and Nebraska thought they were probably getting the next Pete Carroll when they hired the Porn Stache and Bill Callahan. They didn't. But what did the Dolphins think they were going to get when they hired a coach who failed at Indiana? Maybe Joey Porter should start talking about that.
  • The Bears just ought to let Devin Hester drop back at quarterback and let him run wild. Or better yet, they could put Brian Urlacher behind center and use him the same way that Florida uses Tim Tebow.
  • The Brett Favre interception record has lost some luster because he notched the touchdown record first.
  • The Panthers will likely start Vinny Testaverde. Bring back the XFL. The NFL needs a feeder league, especially for the quarterback position. And th teams need to commit to it, too. Because the quarterback situation in the NFL is just awful. Like Damon Huard is cleared to start in Kansas City and people are happy about this.

Or maybe it's Sunday night. Boise State will play host to Nevada on Sunday night, in a game that should be much more exciting than the NFL tilt happening at the same time. And if given a choice, yours truly would rather be watching that game. But that's not the only WAC game playing on an off night, as Hawaii -- led by Heisman hopeful Colt Brennan -- will get Friday night all to itself. Obviously the WAC is trying to get a few votes for Brennan, but that would assume that Heisman voters actually watch West Coast football games.

  • Most experts believe that USC will vent some frustration on Arizona, but don't be so sure. USC will likely start Mark Sanchez at quarterback and take some time to get rolling. So the Trojans should bounce back, but just don't look for it to be some sort of a blowout. This one will be closer than you think.
  • Anybody remember when Penn State was undefeated and Joe Paterno had found the fountain of youth? Me neither.
  • Speaking of coaches who need to retire -- when Florida State is losing to Wake Forest, it's time to pack it in. Yes, Wake Forest is much improved, but come on. It's Wake Freaking Forest.

The Yankees seem intent on firing Joe Torre, and that's fine. But the team needs a total overhaul. The Yankees rose to the top by bringing up guys such as Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, and Mariano Rivera. Now is the time to get younger and jettison some of the veteran players. They've already made a great start, but they need to fully commit to the youth movement.

And maybe that means going with Joe Girardi or Don Mattingly, too. Do you think Torre wants to hang around for a youth movement? Or more to the point, should the Yankees pay a manager $7 million during a youth movement. Probably not.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

More T.O. Letters

Terrell Owens has to think of new ways to get his name into the news, although it is hard to actually top an attempted suicide. But with Randy Moss on the verge of stealing most of his thunder this week leading up to the big game this week, what with Moss' annoying habit of hanging on to balls thrown at him, T.O. needed something bold.

So he chose not to talk.

That's right, not talk. Owens has opted not to speak to the media, instead leaving this letter on his locker at Valley Ranch.

Dear Reporters,

Due to the magnitude of this week's game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81, I will be taking all questions immediately following Sunday's game.

Sincerely, Terrell Owens 81

p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready

That's cute. But Owens also handed out a similar note to quarterback Tony Romo.

Dear Tony,

Due to the magnitude of this week’s game and high volume of balls that I drop (roughly 81 percent), please throw the ball to the Original 82. I will be there to help him celebrate when he scores touchdowns on Sunday.

Terrell Owens

p.s. I’ve learned a new position called the popcorn machine I thought I could show you later.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Lil' Hater: Desperate Times

A broken collarbone will keep Matt Leinart from being able to put a condom on properly, so expect to see him impregnate a lot more wannabe WNBA wildebeests and other C-list actresses. If you're on the USC girls rugby team, watch out is all I'm saying.

Of maybe Brittney Spears will seek out Leinart so she can have a baby's daddy who doesn't want to be around the kids.

This injury will also keep Matt from throwing a good deep ball ... oh, wait, he couldn't do that before. I saw that firsthand this summer. Hey, Daddy Leinart, instead of spending your offseason directing your misplaced anger at plastic bobbleheads, maybe you could've spent your time taking Matt to a gym after his offseason arm surgery. That could have helped prevent this year's flame-out. Jerk.

Hey, at least he gets to use the injury as an excuse for losing his job to the Warner Machine, which would've come in a week or two anyways. You win the Al Czervik Award for most well-timed injury.

Memo to Chuck Price: Yeah, its probably safe to RSVP for that Feb. 2 party. Your client works for the Cardinals.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Post Mortem

Wonder what Frank Caliendo is up to these days? That dude should have his own show.

The Angels are out of the baseball playoffs and it’s not a shock or surprise to anybody who knew that the team just didn’t have the punch to compete in the AL. The Angels roster is great to win, day-in, day-out over 162 games, when you see fourth and fifth starters on a weekly basis. But matched up head-to-head with big time pitchers, that lineup is easy to shut down.

The most disappointing thing, however, is that David Ortiz and/or Manny Ramirez are not eating out of a feeding tube. At least one of them (or both) deserved to be ear-holed for Friday night. Teams hit Vladimir Guerrero at will, with no fear of retaliation. Talk about the lack of a big bat all you want, but not protecting Vlade with bean balls is way worse. This also makes the Angels look weak. Well, not as weak as being swept out of the playoffs again by the Red Sox because your third baseman weighs 150 pounds (and hits much lower than that).

Now we can spend the offseason with a wish list that includes Adam Dunn, but odds are the team will end up with another Shea Hillenbrand-type of signing and the promise of another prospect.

Let’s see if you have heard this story goes. A starting quarterback goes down and Kurt Warner rides in to save the day. In St. Louis, no less. The Warner Machine, who has looked good in his quarterback platoon with Matt Leinart, will be the full-time quarterback for the next six-to-eight weeks after the starting quarterback fractured his left collarbone.

Warner should be good, but it seemed like he really thrived in his change-of-pace roll. The fear is now teams will be able to key on Warner and really use his lack of mobility to get to him.

Or he could just shove it up everybody’s ass, win another MVP award and lead the Cardinals to the Super Bowl. Whatever the outcome will be, this is one of the most interesting storylines for a league that is desperately seeking some.

How bad is your college football weekend when San Diego State’s victory over Colorado State is the highlight? Funny thing about the USC loss to Stanford, but the credit should go to Bill Walsh. Weeks before the legendary coach passed away, he placed two phone calls to Pete Carroll to tell him to take it easy on Jim Harbaugh, according to a report in the Orange County Register.

That message was take it easy, Pete, not give them the game. Carroll seemed so intent on not blowing out the Cardinal, he let them into the game. Either that of John David Booty just blows. Remember those Booty for Heisman campaigns? Nobody else does either.

And how about Karl Dorrell. That didn’t take him long to completely dismantle all of the good will that he had built up following his upset of USC. Dorrell might already be fired by the time you are reading this, so just in case, good luck Karl.

Laugh it up Pac-10 haters, you've earned it.

  • If Kansas City isn’t the worst team in the NFL, they are damn close. That makes San Diego’s loss last week even more pathetic. But don’t be sold Chargers fans.

  • The NFL was in need of another dude to taunt a motionless player, like Houston's Travis Johnson did to Trent Green. Chuck Bednarik obviously appreciated that.

  • Roger Clemens career is probably done. But don’t look now, they are going to come back and win the series. That’s a guarantee. One that would be much better than THN’s college picks. Wow, those things are awful. Remember, those are just for entertainment purposes only.

  • Don’t let the score fool you, Cleveland was making things uncomfortable for New England. Somebody is going to get to them, soon.

  • St. Louis Football Team is chasing history. Can they do 0-16? That would be fitting.

  • That lack of a running game was bound to catch up to the Packers eventually. But don’t get too giddy Bears fans, you aren’t going anywhere. Nobody is going to catch the Packers. Like who do you think would, the Lions? What happened Detroit? Shaun McDonald disappeared and it had better not cost yours truly a win in fantasy football.

Credit the Arizona Diamondbacks for a pretty hilarious spoof of the Kiss Camera.

From With Lethur.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Shanahan: Evil Genius

The Chargers looked like a real life NFL football team on Sunday, as the team rushed for more than 200 yards in a win over the Broncos. Everybody on the Chargers roster seemingly had a rushing touchdown. So this was obviously a bad day for Mike Shanahan.

Or was it?

Even A.J. Smith would have had to relent and admit that Norv Turner blew if the Chargers couldn't muster anything against the pitiful Broncos run defense. So Shanahan probably played it coy, and allowed the Chargers to rush at will against his team, ensuring that Turner was going to be retained to be the coach of the Chargers. Sometimes you can win through losing, and the AFC West will win as long as Turner continues to put up these small, meaningless victories that will keep him employed.

Turner is on pace for that magical 7-9 mark that should win the AFC West and put the Chargers in the playoffs as the first sub .500 team to ever do so. And even the Chargers can fire a coach who took the team to the playoffs for the second consecutive year.

Don't look now, the media will start to fawn over the Chargers again and have you believe the ship has been righted.

Which was probably Shanahan's plan all along.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The Weak Ender

The baseball playoffs have started. And while you may think you don't care who wins, you really do. Mainly because you are going to have to deal with the fans of one of the eight teams. Who will be bragging about their team. But who is the worst?

Obviously not the Yankees or the Red Sox. While you might figure that Boston is the lesser of two evils, think again. You can never root for the Yankees, but figure that a Red Sox championship will be compounded if the Patriots win the Super Bowl this year. And remember the Boston Celtics have Len BiasKevin Garnett, too and all of that hardware he won in Minnesota. So Boston could use a daisy cutter right about now.

The loveable loser quotient is filled by the Cubs and Indians. Well, the Indians and the whole city of Cleveland are losers, not so much lovable. Besides, Drew Carey won the Price is Right job, isn't that enough? And remember what happened when the Bears went to the Super Bowl last year? Imagine that obnoxiousness multiplied by about 3,600 if the Cubs win the World Series.

The Angels? Yeah, you aren't going to need to worry about that after Sunday.

Ditto for the Phillies. Not that anybody would pull for Philadelphia. That would be akin to pulling for Bin Laden or Iraq during the cold war against Russia. Oh wait ... never mind.

The Rockies are sentimental favorite right now. But you would be semi-mental if you pulled for the Rockies. Remember, the people who root for the Rockies are the same people who pull for the Broncos and Divealanche. Denver, outside of our beloved CAPPY, have some of the worst fans outside of Oakland. The only reason you don't hear more about them is because they are trapped in cabins in the Rockies, much like the Unibomber.

That leaves the Arizona Diamondbacks. A great choice because really, how many of you actually know a Diamondbacks fan? Word.

BTW, Alyssa Milano said that she will no longer date athletes (via With Lethur), and will instead focus on bloggers. Awesome.

Four NFL teams have the chance to move to 5-0 this week. A feat so rare that it has not happened since 2003. Hey remember when the NFL was supposed to be this league based on parity and MLB was supposed to be watered down to only two or three real contenders for the World Series?

Consider, the Colts go like 5-0 every year. The Patriots have been at the top of the NFL for a number of years now with three Super Bowl titles since 2001. So much for your lack of dynasties in the NFL. Yet, seven of the eight teams in this year's baseball playoffs did not make the playoffs last year. Only the Yankees appeared in the 2006 playoffs. Major League baseball has not had a repeat World Series in a number of years. So for all of the sanctimonious b.s. about the lack of competitive balance in baseball. At least the World Series will have two good teams going at it, while the two best teams in the NFL will play in either the divisional or conference championship.
  • The undefeated team in the most trouble this week? Indianapolis. Safety Bob Sanders is hurting and if he doesn't play, that makes the Colts defense as vulnerable as it was during the later stages of the regular season in 2006. Besides, the Bucs are do for that one miracle game in the wake of Cadillac Williams' injury, where Michael Pittman pretends that he's playing against the Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII.
  • LaDainian Tomlinson must be excited to play against the butter soft Broncos rush defense this week. Look for Tomlinson to rush for about 200 yards and a pair of touchdowns -- in the first half. Then he will be completely ignored in the second half as the Chargers go down to defeat again.
  • Before everybody goes crazy over Selvon Young, don't forget to add Mike Bell, too. At least now Travis Henry will have some time to spend with his 18 kids. Just don't ask him how he's going to pay for all of them.
  • Oh, and if you want another fantasy stud this week, Brandon Marshall. He'll have like 200 receiving yards against the Chargers defense and because Jay Cutler has some sort of crush on him.
  • St. Louis has resorted to Gus Frerotte at quarterback, while the Kurt Warner Machine comes back to Arizona as a part-time quarterback. This quarterback situation could be his Pulp Fiction. Matt Leinart, however, seems to keep griping. And if he keeps that up, he can find himself permanently on the bench.
  • If Frank Caliendo did his over-the-top John Madden impersonation, would it be hard to tell the difference from the over-the-top three-hour orgasm we are going to witness on NBC's Sunday Night Football? Just be thankful he didn't break the record with Madden and Peter King in the same building.
  • There is something about Brian Billick that just makes you want to punch him in the face, because he seems so arrogant. Nobody is a bigger mark for their own work, than Billick is of himself. But now Trent Dilfer gets a chance to comeback to remind Billick of the greatest mistake he made of his career -- taking Dennis Green's secretary to Planned Parenthood. Oh wait, no, letting Dilfer go after Super Bowl XXXV. How did the whole Elvis Grbac era treat you? Dilfer was the perfect quarterback for that system and Dilfer has swallowed his pride to be the bigger man in the Dilfer/Billick feud. Dilfer should be pissed. How do you think Favre would have reacted if he was let go after leading the Packers to the Super Bowl because he threw too many interceptions?
  • The Seahawks and Steelers will meet on Sunday to remind us of the most boring Super Bowl since the Steelers beat the Vikings back in Super Bowl IX.
  • The Cowboys will face the 1-3 Bills on Monday Night Football this week. Damn, the Cowboys have eaten more cupcakes this year than Valerie Bertinelli.

Normally Big Ten football is a tremendous letdown, as evidenced by the Rose Bowl and last year's national championship game. So you probably have to temper your enthusiasm for the big Ohio State vs. Purdue game this weekend. You do have to pull for Joe Tiller who has tried to bring the conference into this century by actually focusing on the offense, for a change. So look for the Boilermakers to pull the upset this week against the Buckeyes. Book it. Purdue probably has the most offensive talent of the Tiller era and will cause some match up problems for Ohio State, who struggled early against Washington.

  • Like Illinois to get by Wisconsin, who has survived one too many scares this week. But remember, we've blown on our college football picks, so you are welcome Badgers fans.
  • Remember when Jim Harbaugh was running his mouth about USC? Yeah, he's probably going to wish he had never said anything. Don't think that Pete Carroll has forgotten about that, either.
  • UCLA is going to destroy Notre Dame. Funny, tickets for this game were going for about $100 before the start of the season. Now, you would have trouble finding anybody who would take them off your hands for free.

Lions receiver Roy Williams is a good guy. Apparently the backlash from his refusing to tip the pizza guy was so great, that Williams has seen the light. After finally getting a copy of the Kristie Alley-Patrick Dempsey vehicle, Loverboy, he has finally seen the errors of his ways. But just don't expect him to pick up the tab at Red Lobster.