So seek out Vanessa Hudgens nude photos if you like, you just aren't going to find them here.
Where we will instead lust after the 18-year Hooters girls serving more free wings, thanks in part to the worst cleanup hitter in baseball, Garret Anderson. Thanks again to Jonah Keri for that.
Everybody believed that the Saints were going to have one of the top offenses in the league this season. So the Colts defense goes out and holds the Saints offense to three points and the Madden Horse Trailer player of the game goes to... Peyton Manning? It's like the damn Super Bowl MVP voting all over again.
Not sure how many of you get to watch the live feeds of these games, but during one commercial break, John Madden and Al Michaels were discussing giving it to a defensive player, but they reasoned that Manning was the face of the organization so he should get it. And that's how you end up with stuff like Manning getting the Super Bowl MVP award.
That being said, the Saints are going to be a bad, bad ball club this year. Pity those of you who took Drew Brees in your fantasy league. The guy has one great year, followed by a clunker. He did it in San Diego, he's going to do it in New Orleans.
Anyway, let's get ready for the weekend.
- Two key college games this weekend, Oregon at Michigan, and Boise State at Washington. Looks like it could be a merde sandwich for the Pac-10 this week. There is no possible way that Michigan can start the season 0-2 at home right? Oregon is going to get beat something fierce. If not, Lloyd Carr just might as well resign if they lose. The Broncos are also going to kick the tar out of the Huskies, too.
- Hard to believe, but Boise has a better program than Washington right now. Not quite as down on Ty as, say, Notre Dame fans, but Boise is a national power. This actually would be a great win for the Huskies to get back to respectability, but just can't see it.
- Some other good games to look forward to include Miami at Oklahoma. This one would be much better if Miami was a touch more gifted offensively. The defense should be good enough to keep it close, though.
- Fresno State at Texas A&M could be cool, too, if the Bulldogs could find a way to stay in this thing. And by Bulldogs, that means the Aggies cheerleaders.
- Notre Dame is also looking at 0-2 but, unlike Michigan, they just don't have the talent to pull off the victory. And there would be something satisfying to have Washington become better before Notre Dame picks itself off the mat. Well, if they ever do.
- Thankfully, the NFL will put the Cowboys vs. Giants game on Sunday night, since the whole Manning family seems a touch under-exposed. And has anybody else noticed that mother Manning has more speaking parts than Eli? Smart move. But you know who should get a commercial Jim Sorgi's mom. She should be on one of those DirecTV commercials, all loaded, saying, "I used to go to the games. But that (European cigarette) Peyton always plays. Even in a blow out loss, that homo is still throwing bombs to Reggie Wayne. So I have DirecTV, just in case that little jerk breaks his ankle, and my boy has to come in and save the day. And really, I don't want to sit next to that (female dog) Mama Manning, who thinks she's so big."
- Hard to tell whose fall from grace is more enjoyable, Tony Dungy or Tiki Barber? You can fool the public only for so long before you eventually reveal yourself as a fundamentalist racist, or a selfish jerk. Barber should have dedicated a chapter of his book to how Tom Coughlin saved his career by teaching him how to carry a football.
- How is the Detroit and Oakland game not the Monday night game? They could have dubbed it the ImpossiBowl and had great ratings. And for those of you looking for Calvin Johnson to have a break out game, it ain't happening. At least not against Oakland.
- Chargers prediction coming from Lil' Hater is that LaDainian Tomlinson will either have 50 carries this week, or five. Which seems possible. But remember that Michael Turner is nursing an injury and Norv is probably going to run the ball a ton. But this can't be pretty. You'd almost have to think that Turner's season is on the line already. If the Chargers don't beat the Bears he is in serious danger of losing the team.
- The Buccaneers are in a similar situation going up to Seattle. Probably not quite as dramatic for Patron Saint Gruden because they are on the road, but if the team is going to be as good as some people (like yours truly) believe, a road win like this would be a very good start.
- And other than that, while it's great to have football back in our lives, there isn't a lot of compelling or must-see matchups in the first week of the season, other than the previously mentioned games.
For starters, Dave Serrano is rumored to be leaving UCI for Cal State Fullerton. This has to happen. But the biggest beef is with the show Big Brother. Yes, it's just a reality TV show, but if yours truly was on this season (and no truth to the rumor that an application was submitted), there would be a lawsuit because of the unfairness of having a father/daughter on the show, basically working together all season. This goes far beyond Showmance and stuff, because they would never break that alliance.
And for Eric, that poor America's Player deal ruined his game. But it also might have saved him because the producers begged people not to eliminate Eric back when he was on the block. He can complain about the Denatos turning on him, but they saved him weeks ago, so don't get all indignant. Still, that would be a pisser to have that thing hanging over your head each week, and he should demand another shot at the game.