Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: St. Louis

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

St. Louis Football Team

Here is some sobering news for fans of the defunct Los Angeles Rams – if you have killed Georgia Frontandrearie in 1994, you would probably be out of jail right now. That is, assuming, that you would even have gone to jail at all.

Or if the police would have even bothered to find the real killer.

Hell, if the prosecution wouldn’t have cut a plea deal, straight up for a bag of potato chips.

If an actual NFL player had done the crime, then you know that he would not have had to go to jail. Although, Michael Vick has proven that the courts will lean on you pretty heavily if you kill a bitch. The point is, if you had killed Georgia Frontandrearie, you would be a free man right now and odds are, you would never have to buy a beer again in Sunset Beach (and probably the Catch in Anaheim, too). And that's just from Diane.

But what does any of this have to do with this year’s Super Bowl? Pretty much nothing, other than it’s safe to say that the Devil isn’t about to rip up that contract that he signed with Frontandrearie, and odds are that bill will come do and she will be pulling a train with Hitler and Pol Pot for eternity.

Evidence of that includes the fact that Orlando Pace is done for the season. Pace was probably the MVP of the St. Louis football team — the man they could least afford to lose. Sure, St. Louis had some success last year following the loss of Pace, but they also had Todd Steussie last year. Instead, St. Louis is going to go with Adam Goldberg at tackle. Now, Fletch can probably tell you that we’re all huge fans of Goldberg going back to his douche-bag character in Dazed and Confused. He was good in Saving Private Ryan. And hell, his character Eddie was decent on Friends (strange though, IMDB indicates that he also played a character on Joey, which seems weird unless they called back to the Eddie character).

In any event, decent actor, but odds are he isn’t going to be the dominating presence that St. Louis is looking for on the offensive line. Hell, he didn’t even play one of the football players in Dazed and Confused, how the hell can St. Louis expect him to lead the way for Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger.

Sorry St. Louis, your season is over.

11 comments:

Seitz said...

How dare you doubt the Hebrew Hammer.

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

Shit! Someone beat me to a Hebrew Hammer comment. Maybe i should have taped you writing this so i could get a jump on the comments.

Fletch said...

I came here to do two things: drink some beer and kick some ass.


Looks like I'm almost out of beer...

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

It is fitting that you use that line from Dazed & Confused, because the writer's cheated by stealing that line from Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live " I have come to chew bubble gum and kick ass and i'm all out of bubble gum."

Seitz said...

Yeah, but since D&C was set in the '70s, Nicky Katt really said it first. So when you think about it, Rowdy Roddy Piper stole it from him.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, you just blew my mind.

Anonymous said...

NFL Adam = Goldberg

Diane said...

Is Adam Goldberg the first NFL player with a glass eye?

And you're damn right on the free beers . . .

Fletch said...

They Live. What a tremendous bad movie. Roddy never got his due as an actor.

The other Goldberg line I might have used:

"I wanna dance!"

BTW, Goldberg = awesome in 2 Days in Paris. See it.

Anonymous said...

Fitting post for Rosh Hashanah.

tommy tuck rule said...

They Live also gets credit for the longest and therefore the greatest fight in film. That thing clocks in at over four minutes. "Just Put on the Glasses!"