Thursday, September 06, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Chargers

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. And since we're cueing music now, below is one of The Bain's favorites to enjoy while you read.



San Diego Chargers

By The Bain

Last year I floated two claims that drew howls:

1) The Chargers were the most overrated team in the NFL.
2) New England, who I hate, would beat them in their own house.

I took a lot of crap for stating such nonsense, most of it from the direction of Chargerville. My SoCal friends are smart. They're always happy to lend a clue to flyover rubes like me who can't hang. I just hope my SoCal friends knew enough to wager on New England straight up, like I did, and didn't bet their hearts like some visor-clad couple from Des Moines who splits 10s because that's the age of their grandchildren.

The deed took sixty minutes. With pinky-raised white gloves, Tom Brady deposited Shawne Merriman's testicles into his smart Italian handbag, snapped shut the ornate pearl clasps, and boarded a jet to Indy, leaving his henchmen to subject the Charger's midfield logo to acts not seen since the reign of Caligula. Then the fun really started, with Phil Rivers doing his best Frank Burns imitation and LaDainian Tomlinson unveiling his inner pants pisser. And he couldn't stop! For a week afterward, LT showed up everywhere, summoning the world to rue his violation. I half expected him to run onstage at the Super Bowl, shove Prince off the mic, and whine "I'd like to say a few more things regarding the classless behavior of the New England Patriots..."

Everyone seems to be picking San Diego to win it this season. Their reasoning? Ask them, and to a man the reply will be, "Because it's the same team as last year."

That's like saying Kate Hudson will come back to you because you tried to kill yourself.

To be nice, let me assume that they mean, "Because it's the same team that looked like they could have won it all last year... until the post season, when they unzipped their Incredibles costumes and out stepped the Benoit family. Same bunch. Same streaky, unproven quarterback. Same defense whose most memorable play was a headbutt. Same running back on whose ligaments and tendons the whole franchise rides."

Same team as last year.

Well, there is one change. Norv Turner may be a marvel of evolution, but coaching requires more than the ability to peck bits of seaweed from coastal rocks and pose stoicly for German eco-tourists. Hoodie is in the Chargers' head now. Does anyone really believe Norv Turner is the surgeon to remove that mass?

If the Lombardi Trophy was awarded to teams because their honks thought they deserved it, the Chargers would have won twelve by now. The rest would have gone to the Vikings. And really, what is San Diego but Minneapolis with a few beaches and bridges that work? Forget about the Super Bowl, Whale's Vagina; you ain't getting it. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get back to the things for which you're famous: Tijuana, brush arson, Bush's flight suit, and annual scenes of gaudy tract mansions tumbling into the Pacific on rivers of E. coli.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Benoit joke is getting old...

Yiddish Steel said...

Ouch, Bain. That's cold. Now, show me your lightning bolt!

Diane said...

Damn, and just yesterday I picked the Chargers to win the Super Bowl in one of the local pools . . .

Still, it can't be any worse than my last season's pick - the Bengals

Anonymous said...

Getting rid of NFLA was a genius move.

My Hero Zero said...

"...what is San Diego but Minneapolis with a few beaches and bridges that work?"

The sound you hear is beer snorting from my nostrils onto the monitor. And it was good beer too, dammit!

Conrad Bain said...

I wouldn't worry too much yet, Diane. I picked New Orleans to beat Indy last night.

As a puplic service announcement, I should warn people not to play the sound clip more than once. Last night I had nightmares of Norv the Iguanaman singing Tiny Tim songs.

Fletch said...

Look at me!! I was right about something!!


Calm down, Bain - just playin'. Nice post.

Diane said...

Bain - Ha! Oh wait, so did I . . .

NFL Adam said...

Wow, back-to-back home runs.

Tony Dungy said...

I used to be a big fan of Tiny Tim's music. But then I heard a rumor that he was gay.

The Hatriot said...

Hey, you forgot that Tiajuana's Hat is also famous for blaming L.A. and O.C. because they don't know how to cut their own brush and they're too cheap to fund a functioning fire department. Don't get caught slippin'!

BTW, my verification is "litzyw" which I understand is Rush Limbaugh screen name at centralamericanboys.alt.sex.