Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bills

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Buffalo Bills

Coming up with a Super Bowl Buzz Kill for the Bills really isn’t necessary because can anybody really remember Buffalo winning anything?

Actually, that’s not true.

The Buffalo Bills cheerleaders, the Jills, always won the annual tug-of-war contest thanks to the cheerleader pictured to the right. Seriously, your team isn’t going to win a lot of games when your cheerleaders have bigger arms than your starting offensive linemen.

And how Buffalo of them, they have three broads named Amanda. Of course they do. And you’ll notice if you look at the photos, these girls buy their lipstick from the Ronald McDonald collection over at the local McRae’s Department store. Do they use a plunger to apply that?

But maybe we should lay off Buffalo—the only place in America where even New Jersey residents think they wear too much acid wash clothing. A town where you are almost guaranteed of hearing Sister Christen at any time of day. A town so low on self-esteem, even Canada feels sorry for them.

There is a co-worker from Buffalo who likes to point out that, unlike Southern California, Buffalo has seasons. Yeah, they have two of them—the Hoth Ice Planet from September to April, and scorching heat and humidity the rest of the year.

Then there is the whole matter of the team, which has a talent level that even Buffalo fans would find depressing. Marshawn Lynch is already planning his escape through free agency, while most Bills fans realize that J.P. (as in J.P. Losman) stands for “just punt.”

But be grateful Buffalo, if you don’t go to the Sper Bowl, at least you can’t lose the Super Bowl.


Anonymous said...

I understood that THN has no concept of grammar, but you just confused right and left in your own column.

Anonymous said...

yet again