Friday, September 07, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Bengals

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Cincinnati Bengals

Gay rumors are about as inevitable as a Bengals choke job, but Carson Palmer obviously doesn’t seem too concerned. Palmer has thumbed his nose at this conventional thinking by hosting his own Cornhole Classic each year. Çan't he go by the game's more masculine name, bags? Oh wait.

So with the hot dog ad and promoting Cornholing, Palmer can’t buy a gay rumor and that is what will ultimately cost the Bengals, here.

Sure, you could point to the fact that Marvin Lewis is, like, the defensive version of Brian Billick, a defensive coach whose teams can’t seem to stop anybody. Or that the Bengals have more collapses than, well, Bain already used a Minnesota bridge collapse joke this week, so you can’t really go there. But trust us, the Bengals collapse all of the time.

None of that matters because nobody thinks Palmer is a fruit. Palmer could have shown up at a Gay Pride festival sitting in the lap of Charles Nelson Riley and nobody would have even given it a second thought. Everybody thinks he’s straight. And the cold reality in the NFL is that more often than not, for an NFL quarterback to be successful, people have to think that he’s gay.

The lone exception being Kordell Stewart.

But look at some of the winning Super Bowl quarterbacks over the past 15 years or so: Troy Aikman, Steve Young, John Elway (you wouldn’t think so, but why did Janet Elway need a new colon?), Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

The only guy who didn’t bend Terrell Owen’s gaydar were Brett Favre and Kurt Warner who just seems to prefer ugly chicks with dude's haircuts. Ben Roethlisberger escapes this wrap, too, but he was outplayed by Matt Hasselbeck, who is a fruit. So much so that he passed of Elisabeth to his brother, Tim. And there is no way there will be a link to that shirtless photo shoot with Trent Dilfer, who also has been rumored to be a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

So nice try Carson, you really gave it a go, but you are just too straight to win a Super Bowl.


Fletch said...

Mark Rypien's gonna hunt your ass down for leaving him off this list.

NFL Adam said...

Wow, that and the porn stache of Hoss.

cornholio said...

I need TP for my bunghole!

Tony Dungy said...

The whole idea of a gay football player is ridiculous. What's next? A gay Republican?

TheNaturalMevs said...

NFL Adam,

I'm loving your site. I'll be back to see a lot of your Raiders stuff and NFL stuff in general. Can I get linked on your blog?

My site is an NFL site, the Nosebleeds NFL Blog. (

I would really appreciate it, and I've already got your place here on my blogroll. Thanks man and keep up the great work!

The Hatriot said...

Cowboy Honk, are you trying to suggest that Tony Romo has the "Mo" going into week one?

See what I did there...

My verification word is "Lniul" as in "Here, pass these out to the boys lniul of... uh... other things."