Thursday, September 27, 2007

An Open Letter To Jamie McCourt


Jamie,
Let me be frank with you. Uh… let me put that another way. Here you are, the highest level female executive in the Major Leagues, and here am I, a guy with enough common sense to pour the piss out of his boots if the instructions are written on the heel. Apparently, you are in need of my services.

I don’t have to tell you. Things aren’t looking really good for the Dodger organization right now. I mean sure, you had hoped that the whole Rodents of Unusual Size issue with the vendors in Anacrime might take some of the attention away from your franchise. Let’s be honest. After the Angels sent the rest of the division out for coffee again last weekend, no one’s going to remember rat pellets in the nachos. Everyone will remember that your squad couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a shovel when it mattered. Anyway, I’ve worked up a couple of ideas to help Big Blue reclaim their place as SoCal’s favorite baseball team.

First, remind people of your great tradition. Picture this: three generations of Dodger catchers taking the field on opening day for the symbolic first pitch: Scioscia, Piazza and Lo Duca! Think about it, a quarter century of Dodger tradition- one heading for Cooperstown, one considered by many the best field general in the game and one just collected his 1000th hit, all wearing their Dodger uni… O.K. Let’s cross that one off the list. I may have been drinking when I came up with it, since it’s scribbled on a cocktail napkin from the Harp in the bartender’s lipstick.

Moving on, I couldn’t help but notice how your cross-town rivals have kids’ entertainment in the outfield pavilions. That got me thinking – your fan base isn’t going to go for balloon animals and face-painting. What if we offered them an experience that spoke to both their lifestyle and their love for the Dodgers? That’s right! How about we offer to give the first 200 fans a tattoo tear for each time the Dodgers traded away a future all-star for a handful of magic beans? What’s that? The human body can only handle about three hours under the tattoo gun in one sitting? Damn.

Let’s what else we’ve got in the notes… Lobby Selig for four strike rule… Have Petraeus testify that if the season is extended to 600 games you’ll win the wild card… Ah, here we go.

Now, I know that you and the Mister feel strongly about keeping names off the backs of jerseys to protect the innocent. And I know that what I’m suggesting revisits a moment in Dodger history some would like to forget, but bear with me. Are you ready to give millions of SoCals what they’ve been aching for since a certain NFL franchise let go of their star receiver? Are you ready to take the Next Great Dodger Marketing Idea straight to the bank?! Jamie McCourt, I give you THE KEVIN BROWN THROW BACK JERSEY! I don’t want to over promise on this, but if you’re willing to go with gothic lettering, I think I can guarantee a quarter of a million units shipped by Christmas. I take 15% of the licensing and Grady comes over to wash my car on Sundays. Do we have a deal?

3 comments:

DAWUSS said...

She's our Weak Ender girl?

Diane said...

She's better looking than Georgia or Marge Schott, so she's got that going for her

Fletch said...

I vote for Hope Solo for TWE girl. There's some promise on that women's soccer team...