Friday, August 24, 2007

The Weak Ender

Justin Timberlake is going to portray a hockey player in some upcoming movie, with Jessica Alba playing his love-starved wife. (Sorry, FanHouse already made the Timberlake is bringing hockey back joke.) What is interesting to note here, is that Alba was, at first, going to play the owner of a hockey team. Not that she would be the first hot chick to play a professional sports owner in a movie. That title, of course, going to Timberlake’s ex, Cameron Diaz, who when she heard that Alba was going to play a female sports owner, threw a container of Clearasil across the room and screeched, “Whore!”

Oh, and if you have never had the opportunity to Google search Jessica Alba picks, just realize that Ms. Alba loves to sunbath while laying on her stomach. A lot.

THN was able to snag a copy of O.J. Simpson’s letter to Michael Vick, wondering why he turned himself in. No seriously, this is totally real.

Dear Mike,

What the hell are you thinking? Believe me I feel you. I know what it’s like to have to kill a bitch that is acting out. But damn son, all you have to do is prove to 12 idiots who couldn’t get out of jury duty that some racist cracker cop planted those dogs in your yard. What you should have done was have Warrick Dunn lead a slow-speed police chase through Atlanta, showed that the bloody leash did fit and then write a book entitled, “If I did run my own dog fighting ring.”

If you had done that, you and I would be sipping rum and cokes, drunk dialing Fred Goldman while burning $100 bills on the golf course in Florida while searching for the real backers of that dog fighting ring. You messed up man.

The Juice.

Wow, O.J. makes a good point. Always take the jury trial Michael.

  • All of the dogs confiscated at Michael Vick’s property will be put down. Say what you will about Vick, but at least he gave those dogs a fighting chance.
  • No legal expert here, but why wouldn't Vick just hire Lindsey Lohan or Nicole Richie's lawyers? He'd be out of jail in a day, and starting for the Falcons this week.
  • Who starts for the Raiders first, JaMarcus Russell or Mike Vick? You know that's where Vick ends up in 200.
  • The Angels took two of three from the Yankees and Red Sox, but dropped the final game in each series. That, of course, led to a wild celebration by Yankees and Red Sox fans who partied like it was the World Series. But you can forgive Yankees fans seeing it’s been so long since they won a world title.
  • NFL preseason football: Making life easier for Orioles fans.

Just completed a fantasy draft this week and took Gomer in the first round. (Hey, don’t be stupid, the guy puts up gaudy fantasy numbers.) What’s interesting is that Sportsline shows you statistics on the percentage of people who own certain players. For instance,
Gomer is owned in 99 percent of fantasy leagues out there. But what league is this 1 percent? Like, let’s say your quarterback goes down and you have to search the waiver wire… oh look, here’s Gomer Manning.

You have to image that 1 percent league is the Jim Sorgi family fantasy league. You just know that Jim Sorgi’s mother is convinced that her son is just as good, if not better, than that pretty boy, Gomer. You could just imagine Sorgi’s mom getting loaded during a game and screaming at Gomer. “Hey, put Jim in, you fundamentalist (expletive) Dungy. (Expletive) Peyton Manning. What? I don’t care if Archie is sitting over there. He should be out watching that (kitty cat) Eli, instead of showing up here. Plus he has two sons in the NFL, why can’t my boy play?”

Man, the Colts family section must be fun. Well, as long as one of the Dungy kids doesn’t take too many Advils or something.


DAWUSS said...

I dunno which was funnier, O.J. or the Sorgi family.

Jim Sorgi's mom said...

I didn't find it funny at all.