Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Seahawks

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Seattle Seahawks

Injuries derailed the Seattle Seahawks who did the impossible last season—being a Super Bowl runner up that actually made the playoffs the following year. Though, when you really think about it, the Seahawks really did outplay the Steelers in Super Bowl 40, so it is only fitting that the Steelers choked like a Super Bowl runner up, while the Hawks gutted out another NFC West title.

And there’s the rub. The Hawks have ruled the roost in the NFC West, the NFL equivalent of summer school. But getting to the Super Bowl is another challenge because of the injuries.

Shaun Alexander last year tried to pray his way to health and that didn’t quite work out. Not to knock anybody’s spirituality, but this whole notion of God as a super hero is kind of offensive. A poster on some message board somewhere might have put it best when he/she said that God is not some genie in a bottle who grants wishes when you rub the bottle. God does not care about sporting events.

Or so you would think.

Turns out that God cares. A lot. Once knew a dude who was in God’s fantasy football league and he said that The Almighty was a serious competitor. He is also a big Kurt Warner fan, too, although he was pissed that he plugged his son instead of him after the Super Bowl, but God ain’t mad at him. Besides, after marrying Brenda is there really anything God could do to Warner at this point?

Don’t think that God doesn’t put a hand in determining the outcome of certain sporting events. God healed Terrell Owens leg because he knew it would be more painful for T.O. to actually be on the field and lose than to stand on the sidelines and think that he could have made a difference.

And do we even have to talk about the Buccaneers and Super Bowl 37?

Of course, the non-believers will point to Georgia Frontandrearie and Art Modell, and that’s tough to explain, but hey God work’s in mysterious ways.

But rest assured that God cares about sports (and reality TV… keep praying Amber), but that is going to work heavily against the Seahawks. And it has nothing to do with those lame uniforms. Turns out God is a huge Texas A&M fan. Huge. The deity doesn’t think much of the Seahawks stealing that whole 12th Man thing from Texas A&M. Seriously Seattle, why did you stop there? Why not go for a Gig ‘em Seahawks?

So there you have it. God hates the Seahawks, who have probably always suspected as much.


God said...

Don't diss me like that

Conrad said...

... The Almighty was a serious competitor. He is also a big Kurt Warner fan, too...

Oh hell yeah. One 'n' Done Warner and that ardvaark he married are doing the Big Guy's work, making sure that billions of embryos that might otherwise be used to cure Alzheimers are instead served as seagull food in fertility clinic dumpsters across 'Merica.

Thanks Kurt!

Pimp said...

wait.... was this crap about the Seahawks or the Rams? They got equal mention in this ppost try to pick a subject and stick with it, douchebag. When I want to hear about the rams or ex-rams I'll read the Rams buzzkill, dumbass.

JC said...

Kurt is actually a bigger fan of mine. Booyah.

Tony Dungy said...

While God may be a fan of the Seahawks, we were the one who won it all by doing things the Lord's way.