Thursday, August 23, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Giants

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The New York Giants

The Giants, to nobody’s surprise, managed to stay in the spotlight during the offseason thanks in no small part to a couple of fabricated controversies. For starters, the Michael Strahan saga is one of the most overblown stories out there. Honestly, some journeyman defensive end is holding out for more money. How is this news? The only thing Strahan likes more than Brett Favre taking a dive is any sort of media attention. Now that his wife has left him and he’s become about as interesting as a red balloon in front of Terry Schiavo, he decided to hold out. That is the kind of move traditionally reserved for the media whores who appear on Big Brother or The Real World. Next thing you know, Strahan is going to parade around the Giants practice facility in a red leotard. But here’s the scoop Mike, nobody cares. You could retire tomorrow and nobody would notice.

Then you have the alleged feud between Tiki Barber and Eli Messiah. And even Gomer got into the mix, making it the world’s lamest three-way since Charles Nelson Riley and Lyle Waggoner double-teamed Brett Somers. But please tell me that you didn’t believe, for a second, that the Barber Messiah exchange was legitimate. This was obviously a WWF-style work, and please, don’t be duped into it.

Hell, the fake feud between Elisabeth Filarski and Rosie was far more believable, and a lot more entertaining that showed that Barber and Messiah can’t play, nor fight better than girls. Sorry, the only way a Giant is going to the Super Bowl is if the Oxygen Network hires Tiki to do remotes from Arizona in February, because the team certainly isn’t going anywhere.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, come on. I'm a Giants fan and that was really weak.

DAWUSS said...

It wasn't too bad. Maybe a 6.75/10, where 5 is average

Diane said...

In that 3 some, I'm pretty sure it would have been Lyle and Brett tag teaming Chuck

Conrad Bain said...

Favre fell like a Merrill Howard Kalin soufflé, but who cares. The sack record is dumb to begin with. Didn't Deacon have more sacks than anyone in the days before anybody was counting?

james said...

you have to dumb it down coach. most of these jokes fly over the collective heads of sports fans (see yesterday's post). realize that you are targeting a group of people who swill bud light on a given sunday afternoon screaming "eli sucks" and high-fiving each other.

that said, this could have used a little more punching up by noting that tom coughlin's is more tightly wound than elisabeth hasselbeck's fart hole that is wrapped around a 34-inch louisville slugger.

Merrill Howard Kalin said...

I don't understand anything I read here. It goes right over my chef's hat!

james said...

you just sent anonymous on a google search of merrill howard kalin.