Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Eagles

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Philadelphia Eagles

By Lil' Hater

Having good players is important, but if you want your team to gain Super Bowl Glory, the coach has to come up big with a new scheme no one has ever considered before.

I’m talking the Counter-Trey. The West Coast Offense. The 4-3. And in the Raider’s case, Cheating.

If you’re a coach ahead of the times, you have to expect copycats. And it’s pretty obvious what the coaching fraternity’s go-to method for winning the big game is going to be now: getting your f’ed up kids killed.

Tony Fundee’s (allegedly) piss-poor parenting led to a run on rope sales in Florida and the loss of his only gay (allegedly) son. But hey, the uptight baldy won a title, defeating the (this part is true) worst cast of playoff characters ever, but whatever.

Why bring this up for the Eagles? Simply put, Andy Reid’s kids really need to do better.

Yeah, Britt Reid has some gun issues recently and Garrett Reid is acting Lindsay Lohan-esque, but hey, they’re still breathing. If the team wants a winner, it’s clear a dirt-nap or two is in order here.

The fact that Coach Reid took a leave of absence to care for the kids isn’t helping either. Fundee would’ve spent that time preaching against the queers.

This methodology isn’t just related to the Eagles. The Hater Nation has learned that not only are Norv Turner’s kids not throwing toasters in filled-up bathtubs, some of them used the fact that they’re Norv Turner’s kids to pick up ladies. I’m not making this up.

Now, true, this was during the Norvster’s glorious Raider era (sponsored by Stridex). And true, Raider ladies may always not be looking for Brad Pitt, or a non-criminal, or even a live body, but come on.

Bottom line: It’s going to take a Andrea Yates-type episode for the Chargers to contend this year, even without a Marchibroda Line ™ Inductee on the sidelines.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Another reason the Eagles aren’t going anywhere: Donovan McNabb still blows chunks, and despite watching no preseason games, I feel confident in saying they still have no running game.

And with that, me and Bim Bim are tapping the keg and getting sauced.


10 Foot Pole said...

I'm out.

Grammar guy said...

That's "Bim Bim and I. . . . ."

Roger Moore said...

Eyebrows raised.

Conrad B said...

Let's just go ahead and nominate this one for "Best THN Picture Choice That Is Not A Near-Nude Female."

NFL Adam said...

I'm not sure how many people got it, but that is a great picture. Well done, LH.

Bim Bim said...

I heard Bain is backstage, refusing to go on!

Joey Bishop said...

What Lil' Hater just said goes for the Giants, too.

Lil' Hater said...

That kid in the Santini pic is totally a Manning Brother.

NFL Adam said...

I can safely say now that Santini surpasses the Ester Rolle picture as my favorite Not a Near-Nude Female.

John Amos said...

How about a near-nude photo of Esther Rolle?