Monday, August 27, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Broncos

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Denver Broncos

By The Bain

Sometimes I bag on THN. What do you expect? I've been here since the ground was broken. Like the dirty-mouthed old drunk who's watched his watering hole gentrified by a neighborhood influx of yuppies, I sit at the bar smoking Dutch Masters through my tracheotomy hole, rolling my cankered tongue at the young women, and loudly deriding the new brass rails and ferns, some of them planted in pots, others planted at keyboards. I keep it real, as you white children say.

I'm a ballet enthusiast. Used to don the satin codpiece myself back in the day and am quite versed in all technical aspects of dance. Perhaps the finest pas de doh I've ever witnessed unfolded right here at THN last season, after the Denver Broncos used their first draft pick to select Jay Cutler, a move that shocked Jake Plummer as much as it did his fans. And there used to be some very big Jake Plummer fans twirling on their toes here at THN.

To those of us who recognized early in his career that Plummer is a sh*t hook, the move was no surprise. In 2006, after watching the aspirations of his perfectly healthy Broncos team get pissed away at home in the AFC Championship because of the phoned-in effort of a smelly, unkempt, foul mouthed, bird-flipping punk with the arm of a penguin, Mike Shanahan saw the writing on the wall.

"Anyone can fling it ten yards," Coach huffed to reporters after that game. "Janet Elway's colon can fling it ten yards."

A dig at Plummer?

Not if you asked the Cult of Jake. No, to hear it from Plummer fans, there were dozens of possible reasons why the Donks cashed out on a quarterback — because they wanted Jake to know he had a good backup, because they wanted to season Cutler for a lucrative future trade, because Cutler has amazing clipboard strength, because Cutler has brown hair, because Arthur Godfrey's dick was huge — not one of them being that they had a problem at QB.

Of course, that was it. Halfway through the season, Dirt Lip got the cane, freeing him to play professional handball, a sport perfectly suited to Plummer in that it a) has no fans, b) can be played drunk, and c) seldom requires passes of more than seven or eight feet.

Enough ancient history, you say. Why won't the Broncos win the Super Bowl now that they have a quarterback who can launch it? Answer: because their defense is going to be awful. In lunging for Cutler, the Donks neglected some glaring D problems, leaving them with a pass rush so flaky the Pillsbury Doughboy could use it for a fifi. In the secondary, Lynch and Bailey can still bring it, but they're getting old. Employing this pair as the last line of defense between LT and the endzone is like hiring Chris Benoit to manage a Bed Bath & Beyond. Mishaps are inevitable.

And that's why history matters. Had Denver said "no thanks" when Jake's Snake Oil Show rolled past town, their roster wouldn't be so flimsy. As it stands, the Donks approach this season like Steve Irwin bobbing toward the Barrier Reef... wild-eyed, misguided, and certain to be penetrated.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

MORE CRAP COMING FROM THN GUEST WRITERS! WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

Anonymous said...

bain, couldn't have said better myself. Our defense in horrendous. especially now that wilson is no longr here. sad. although i must say, and i hope plummer reads this--

FUCK PLUMMER!

james said...

the cappy seal of approval. that dude's career was sunk the moment he decided to buy a honda element.

Lance Briggs said...

What kind of pussy drives an Element?

West Side Slant said...

Nice job Bain. CAPS LOCKED anonymous can go eat a bowl full o' cock as far as I'm concerned.

Conrad said...

Damn it. I didn't find out Owen Wilson tried to kill himself until after this went live. And he did it over Kate Hudson!

The only way that one could be teed any higher is if Hudson dumped him for Kordell Stewart.

NFL Adam said...

Wait, Owen Wilson tried to kill himself over Yoko Hudson? Damn it, the GA banner already went live.

DAMN IT.

NFL Adam said...

BTW, WSS makes a good point. Everybody enjoys (maybe too strong of a word there) the SBBK until it's there team.

And then they act surprised like, wait, you are doing every team? No way.

bucky said...

Dammit!!

I have an external meeting in 10 minutes and was just taking a sip of a much-needed afternoon-coffee when I read this:

The only way that one could be teed any higher is if Hudson dumped him for Kordell Stewart.

Thank god for Tide pens.

NFL Adam said...

Clarification, the second anonymous poster is our beloved CAPPY, not to be confused with the fake at the top of the list.