Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Post Mortem

Some people just never learn.

Daunte Culpepper has looked good during the preseason, and already the stories are out about the quarterback’s renaissance. Pep was amazing against the St. Louis football team and has played pretty well in the preseason leading to many proclamations by Raiders fans that the old Culpepper is back. Maybe the Raiders should consider trading JaMarcus Russell because Culpepper is the man, according to HowieLover75 on some Raiders message board. A thought echoed by many.

Hey morons, now it’s evident that using a crushed Coke can as a pipe has eroded your brain enough to allow you to be a Raiders fan. But it was only last (expletive) year that the Raiders were 4-1 in the preseason, leading all of the lemmings in the spike shoulder pads to believe that last year was going to be the Raiders rebirth under Art Shell.

How did that work out for you?

But hell, why tell you this? Yes, put your entire future on Culpepper’s shoulders and trade away Russell. Because winning preseason games seems like the only thing you are striving for and capable of.

The NFL has a new scoring champion, but no, it is not LaDainian Tomlinson’s record that has fallen. Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry is the father of nine children out of wedlock. That’s right Mrs. Bueller, nine children out of wedlock. Wow, who still has unprotected sex? After the third or fourth kid, the thought never occurred to him to wrap the thing up? Hell, a vasectomy would probably have been a better option if he wanted to continue to test fate. Speaking of which, knowing that Henry rides bareback should be comforting to those on the bottom of the pile.

And no, Henry didn’t harm any animals so that will thankfully keep people from thinking about the 18 lives that he might not have ruined, but probably put them at a heavy disadvantage.

And now, watching the NFL preseason so you don’t have to.

  • The St. Louis football team is playing a game at Oakland. Uh, does somebody need to send Al Qaeda a football schedule?
  • Damon Huard has been selected to be the Chiefs starting quarterback in Kansas City, not because he was so impressive. Hell, he didn’t even play this week. But rather, Brodie Croyle is just that awful. Wow, a quarterback from the SEC who blows. You never see that happening. So it will be Huard for the Chiefs. Might as well go ahead and spend that playoff ticket deposit now.
  • There was a LenDale White sighting. Hey, he might not be one of the most disappointing players in the NFL. But you know it’s preseason when Vince Young is actually completing passes.
  • With the birth of Tom Brady’s son this week, Hollywood should brace itself for the invasion of two quarterback Hollywood star (expletives) in 18 years when Baby Brady and Baby Leinart are hitting the club circuit and playing college football. And here is a little fantasy advice, stay away from any Carolina Panthers players. That offense is, well, offensive. That Panther of the side of the helmet should be viewed as a huge warning sign.
  • Again, you should never wager on preseason games, but putting your money on Gomer in meaningless games always seems profitable, probably because he’s the only one who cares. What are his numbers in the Pro Bowl and preseason? Probably staggering when compared against his playoff and Super Bowl numbers. Hell, even Jim Sorgi got into the act. You know it just kills Sorgi to have to show up to these games sober. They should have gone Pop Warner and had Sorgi suit up for the Lions. what the hell happened to all of the Lions quarterbacks? The team had toyed with the idea of exhuming the body of George Plimpton to play QB on Saturday night.
  • So God will give us a lightning storm to spare us the horror of watching a Redskins football game, and yet Dick Cheney is still alive? Something just doesn’t add up here. Then again, God's involved with more important things, like who is going to win the veto competition on Big Brother.
  • Rex Grossman seemed to have a little bit of redemption when he tossed two touchdowns on Saturday night. But then he had to throw that interception, which was returned for a touchdown. So really, he tossed three touchdowns. But maybe the Bears should look into a system where Grossman only plays half of a game, and Brian Griese can play the second half. Hey, that might work.
  • What are the Browns waiting for with Brady Quinn? He’s looked against third-stringers in preseason, but maybe you ought to give him a chance against the starters just to see what happens.
  • What was Norv Turner trying to prove by keeping Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates in the game so long on Saturday? But Chargers fans had better get used to those games coming down to the wire, and hoping that the team’s superior players can make enough plays to win the game, because San Diego will never out-coach anybody.
  • Looks like the Wanderers picked the wrong week to pull out of their funk. Especially for us die-hard Reading fans. But please, refrain from the Kansas City Royals jokes.
  • The Angels open a critical three-game series at Seattle this week, but the obvious question is where is ESPN for all of this? Heated division rivals and two of the top three teams in the American League (if not all of baseball). And yet, the ESPN hype machine is nothing but a whimper.Fifty three of 1,000 words, and THN will be accused of being a Angels blog again. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Leave it to Chad Johnson to add to the insanity of the whole Michael Vick situation with this gem.

"I love Vick," he said. "Everybody makes mistakes. The president of the United States made a mistake. To everybody that gets to see this: All y'all have made mistakes. Maybe not as big as this one. But we all make mistakes.

"We all have grown to love Vick the football player. I still love Vick the football player. I love Vick the person. He made a mistake. I'm going to support him regardless.

"And he will be back, man. You know he'll be back playing. He's one of the greatest athletes to ever play the game - ever. He'll be back, and he'll still be able to do the same things he's done on the field."

Yes, but did Haliburton get rich off the dog fighting?


Anonymous said...

thank god its football season again.

Ron Mexico's warden said...

He'll be back alright

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

I have disagree on the ESPN coverage of the Agnels as of late. All day yesterday they were talking about the series.

bucky said...

The Yankees are playing the Red Sox this week. There will be no mention on ESPN of the Angels, Mariners, Tigers, Indians, Twins, Diamondbacks, Padres, Brewers, Cubs, Cardinals, Mets, Braves, or Phillies while any Sox-Yankees series is going on. As far as Bristol CT (located midway between Boston and NYC) is concerned, the baseball universe does not extend beyond 161st Street in the Bronx.

WCT said...

"The St. Louis football team is playing a game at Oakland. Uh, does somebody need to send Al Qaeda a football schedule?"

quite possibly the best line in the history of this blog. Bravo Adam

Yiddish Steel said...

There goes your EPL feel good story of the year, Adam. Reading gets punked, 2-0, and my Tottenham Yids have a whopping 4 points 5 games into the season. That game against Man-U was already a "must win". They're playing just to stay top-10 in the league. Bollocks!

Anonymous said...

This is a fucking Angels blog.