Monday, August 06, 2007

The Post Mortem

Milestone weekend was upon us, Alex Rodriguez hit number 500, Tom Glavine notched 300, THN posted number 1,004, and Maria Sharapova did, well, does it matter?

But obviously the big story this weekend was the return of the NFL, a positive sign to football fans and degenerate gamblers everywhere. And whether you like him or not, Michael Irvin delivered one of the most memorable induction speeches in quite some time. For somebody known as The Playmaker, he certainly delivered when he needed it the most.

But there was something else that happened this week, oh yeah, the Diamondbacks swept the Dodgers.

Reputed drug abuser and all-around bad guy Barry Bonds tied the record, disappointingly in front of a cheering San Diego crowd, and our long national nightmare is close to being over. There is no reason to cheer for Bonds. And it’s not because of the whole steroid deal. That might be one of the overplayed stories of this era. The question isn’t whether Bonds used steroids, because he admitted to a grand jury that he did. The question isn’t if steroids were banned during the 1990s or not. Because steroids are illegal without a prescription. But baseball having a rule about steroids would be akin to baseball having a rule unleashing a white bengal tiger loose on the field, because harboring an endangered species is illegal unless you are working a show at the Mirage. And yes, the hatred of Bonds goes beyond him be wife-beating prick. Because, seriously, if that women sitting in the front row of PetCo Park is willing to take a leap off a few flight of stairs or few lashes with a coat hanger, so be it.

The real problem with Bonds, as pointed out by The Hatriot years ago, is that piece of armor that he wears on his arm. That alleged protective device looks like he sliced a metal trash can in half and put it on his arm. That, probably more than the steroids he admitted to taking, gives him a bigger competitive advantage more than anything.

Well, that and the umpires seemingly refuse to ever call a strike on Bonds.

Lord knows that if Don Drysdale ever saw that catcher’s gear on Barry’s arm, he would have aimed right at the dangling cross hanging from Barry’s ear and probably left him feeding out of a tube like he was baseball's version of Terry Schiavo. If Bud Selig should ever be blamed for something, that would be allowing Bonds to get away with wearing a mattress on his arm.

  • What were the odds that Bonds would hit his record-tying home run off a known steroid user. Well, pretty good seeing that most of baseball was juicing. But did you see that Bonds sent an autographed bat to Hensley? If Bonds had tied the Major League record against Drysdale and sent him a bat, Barry would like be wearing it today out of a major orifice with a red balloon tied to the end.
  • Things we’d like to see: Bonds beaned in the head. And after he was lifted unconscious into the ambulance, the pitcher who hit him takes off in the vehicle like a bad WWF storyline.
  • Milton Bradley has accused the Oakland A’s of being racist. Seriously, this stuff would be more meaningful coming from guys who haven’t played for dozens of organizations. But they, the A's do wear white shoes.
  • The Angels dropped two in Oakland over the weekend, and face the reality of being swept by Boston. There are some that believe the Angels have enough hitting to get it done, but those dreams will be dashed soon enough. The Angels rank fifth in the American League in scoring runs. But keep in mind the Angels are third in the Major Leagues with a .284 average, yet have scored 100 fewer runs than the Yankees who have baseball’s highest average. The Angels would be in serious trouble of losing the division, if Seattle wasn’t as inept at scoring runs. Although it seems strange to complain about the Angels when just competing for the division was a dream during the last 1990s.
  • Angel Stadium is infested with rats. Authorities say the problem stems from all of the sunflower seeds behind Section T222 and Steve Bisheff’s toupee.
  • How does Kurt Busch race for Miller Lite?
  • Elton Brand will miss have the season with injury he sustained while working out. Figures. The guy couldn’t even make it to Team USA before ruining his career. You have to wonder if this kind of stuff would still have happened if Kobe had signed with the team a few years back.
  • How bad were the Saints on Sunday night? They had the same energy you would expect to see in your typical NBA playoff game. Meaning, they had none.
  • How big of a star should you be before you slap hands with one of the Hall of Famers introduced prior to the HOF Game? Because seriously Charlie Batch, do you think Irvin even knows your name?
  • Jake Gyllenhaal is expected to be cast as Joe Namath in the Broadway Joe story. Expect Heath Ledger to play Suzy Kolber.
  • An exotic dancer revived a patron who had suffered a heart attack during a performance. Strippers, are there nothing they can’t do? Well, besides finally graduating from junior college and gaining their father's love?

The battle for best theme park is over, and the winner is Sea World. Now, the allure of Sea World probably similar to that of NASCAR in that the shows are entertaining, but deep down the whole crowd is rooting for Shamu to go, you know, killer whale on somebody. And after listening to the sanctimonious b.s. speech from the head trainer, he immediately becomes the ideal target.

But Sea World rules for one reason—free beer. Even though they are Budweiser products. Be honest, the Anaheuser Busch products blow, but if they are going to offer you free swill, odds are you are going to drink it.

Unless you are some sort of a jackass to turn down free beer just because it isn’t the brand that you drink.

So when you combine free beers, the threat of animal violence and the chance to spray anonymous strangers riding on the roaring rapids, well that’s just a winning combination right there.


Rush Limbaugh said...

Some old guy passed out on oxy while watching a stripper? Wasn't me.

Anonymous said...

Gaylos suck.

Seitz said...

There are some that believe the Angels have enough hitting to get it done, but those dreams will be dashed soon enough.

You can only hope.

Diane said...

Did you go get a pearl from the girls who dive for oysters?

The Hatriot said...

I'll say that induction speech was memorable. My favorite part was when Irvin pulled out the homemade crack pipe he'd fashioned out of a cardboard roll from some wrapping paper, the J-trap from the HOF men's room sink, and the rubber bowl from a toilet plunger (presumably also from the HOF men's room). When he sparked up an entire 8-ball and began circling stage, exhaling puffs of smoke and making choo-choo sounds, I saw Jimmy Johnson's eyes well up. I think we all teared up a little when he closed his speech with an accapella rendition of "White Lines". Rang dang diddley dang a dang, indeed.

Next week on Cowboy Honk Home Companion: T.O. explains that he was just trying to help his young quarterback over the fence. My verification word is "nfonq" which, oddly enough, is the name of the night watchman at the hotel where Irvin got caught going Abu Ghraib on that stripper. Of course, that was before he found Jeebus at the same drive-through church that Deion uses to get his diamond-encrusted dollar sign pendant blessed.