Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Little late this week, fo' sure. As a result, it'll be even less funny:

Daunte Culpepper
Not only is his career a shadow of what it was once was, his coach has mono. Read between the lines: Lane Kiffin pulls more tail than Daunte Culpepper. Damn, whitey. Ain't no fun if yo' homies can't have none.

Team USA Basketball
Bosh out with an injury. Hinrich withdraws. Pretty soon you're gonna see Scoonie Penn and Todd MacCulloch on this f'n team.

Milwaukee Brewers
Remember when people thought they had a real shot to be this year's Tigers? Ha. Bunch of drunks.

I'd kill every first cousin in my family right now if LSU and Mississippi State would just kick off.

Tim Donaghy
Twenty-five in the clink, potentially. I hear they take about as kindly in there to child molestors as guys that could have lost some of the other inmates thousands. I hope he has Sublime on his I-Pod. I won't take it any further than that.

This Summer as a Whole
Is it just me, or is Barry Bonds now a hero in the midst of all this other crap?

Jose Offerman
The key to retention of relevance in our society is going batshit crazy (see: Nolte, Nick). Offerman seems to grasp that. Now, if he'd only put down the bat for a second.

David Price
Nice contract from the D-Rays! You just lost all happiness from the formative years of your life.

Philadelphia Phillies
It's halfway to September. You think Manuel holds a meeting and says, "Alright, boys. We gotta
screw this to the wall in a brand new way this season. I want drama, huge flops..." and then Russell Branyan pipes up from the corner, "Maybe something with guns and midget porn?"

Everyone not named USC in college football
Have you looked at this roster? Booty, Sanchez, Mustain? Any pro coach in Florida would give their left testicle (and likely their right, come to think of it, since is the left alone really that effective?) to Pete Carroll for that trio.


Diane said...

"I hope he has Sublime on his I-Pod."

And my guess is you're not referring to 40 Oz to Freedom

Conrad Bain said...

Expectations for USC are very high this year, and with good reason. The team looks so damn good on paper that you almost want to give them the championship right now.

Wouldn't it be a shame, if...

Wouldn't it be a shame if, after being felated to near-complete jizz explosion, that red and orange pole fell limp?

Can you imagine the field day USC haters will have should this team settle for anything -- anything -- short of complete and total domination of the NCAA, from the first game to the last, ending with the national championship that is their rite?

I tell ya. I don't even like to think about it.

Titan Tim said...

Let's BEEZ friends (imagine a picture of a couple of buzzing bee's)

Paul said...

The most impressive part of having Todd MacCulloch playing on the US team would be that he's Canadian.