In case you hadn't realized yet, it's Ted back again with The Mid Week. You can generally view my work here, but you can be subjected to my depressing lack of self-awareness and gawky sports knowledge on Wednesdays over here.
Here we go with 10 people whose lives make mine look downright promising:
I went to a wedding in June. On the dance floor, an old white guy tried to do the Crip Walk; a kid turned to me and said, "That guy can make anyone feel better about their upbringing." That's kind of how I feel about Wade Phillips.
Your team got rid of one steroid abuser, but kept another. In the meantime, your most consistent offensive force the past three years is gone. Your outfield is now Nelson Cruz, Frank Catalonotto, and Marlon Byrd. Kevin Millwood is your ace. Why do I have a sudden desire to watch Terms of Endearment? I'm so f'n depressed.
Couldn't they rename the team? In the grand scheme of American society right now, is the headline "Predators to stay in Nashville" what you want splashed all over the sports pages?
I don't understand the hood very well (urban plight confuses me), but isn't the whole deal with it that you protect your people? Seems like Tony Taylor mighta missed that TPS report. Crazy dog-killing African Americans!
The Home Run Chase
I had a criminology teacher in college who read from the book every class. Utterly boring, yet the class wasn't cuttable. You see, every once in a while, she'd go off on this tangent about sex or money as motivations for crime, and sometimes she'd get real into it, and it'd be like one of the most interesting things you'd ever see in a classroom in your life. Then, she return to the monotone: "Most criminals are a product of a broader societal framework..." That's Bonds: a criminal to society, and boring almost all of the time right now, but occasionally so exciting that you still need to show up.
I think Lindsay Lohan was in The Parent Trap with Miss Bliss when he got 299.
Teams named "Giants"
No one cares about the baseball version except for their society-destroying power hitter. The football version might start this season without Tiki or Michael, and with Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning. I can't really think of a joke for that which would be funnier than the actual truth of the matter.
Everyone knows that Boston hates black people as much as they hate New Yorkers.
He likes coaching from "the box." Hehe. Old people shouldn't be eating out coeds. It's dangerous! Didn't he see the central plot movement of 1992's Dave?
Any chance they had in the NFC West just went totally down the crapper with this Bill Walsh news. Niners are definitely beating them twice again, and finishing 11-5 to win that division. Plus, when you hire Jim Mora Jr, can you legitimately expect anything good to happen to you? I'm still waiting for him to be implicated with Vick under the stage name "Fountains of Wayne."