Thursday, July 26, 2007

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Texans

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Houston Texans

There's an old joke about a man who goes hunting in the woods. He takes aim and shoots at a bear, but misses. The bear, in turn, takes the gun away from the hunter and has his way with him sexually. The hunter returns to town, gets a bigger gun, and returns to the woods. The hunter takes aim, misses, and suffers the same result. The cycle continues a few more times with the hunter getting a bigger gun, but missing each time. Finally the bear just stops and says, "Hey, you aren't here for the hunting are you."

That's the Texans. They just aren’t here for the football. With seemingly no direction or plan, other than to keep the Arizona Cardinals company, the Texans are treated like that hunter, year after year.

It's almost as if they aren't trying. Forget passing on Reggie Bush and Vince Young, they would have failed here because the team refuses to address the offensive line that has been a problem since the team started in 2002. The Texans drafted a defensive tackle this year. And a wide receiver. And a cornerback. And a safety. Hey look, they drafted an offensive linemen with its second pick in the fifth round. The club also signed, uh, Jordan Black in free agency. A guy so bad, even the Chiefs didn’t want him.

So lets, just for a moment, pretend that Matt Schaub is not going to be the second coming of Doug Johnson. Or that Ahman Green did not play his best football in 2003. Who the hell are going to block for these guys?

At least the defense is equally as miserable, ranking 24th overall in 2006.

Sorry Texans fans (both of you), no matter how big of a gun you get, you are just going to end up getting bent over. Again.


Fletch said...

I'm telling ya...this year, this is the year that Andre Johnson busts out in a big way! This is the year that his counterpart is finally good enough to draw some of the coverage away so that he can finally get 150 catches, 2000 yards and 15 TDs. It's gonna be great!

[/Delusional Texans Fan]

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

Andre Johnson busted out last year didn't he? But when the rest of the team is a bunch of Arean League grads, one wide receiver won't win you games.

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

Sorry that was supposed to say ARENA league. I must be a Raider fan now.

Anonymous said...

I propose the next 4 teams being the Chargers, Falcons, Seahawks, and Colts

Anonymous said...

Is there a set order because I went back and looked and the Jets and Browns started last year too.

Bud Grant said...

The Four Queens casino used to be called the Four Kings before Bud Grant made the place his bitch.