Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Here's the drill, as always: my name is Ted, I normally write over here, but on Wednesdays I come by Adam's place and try my best (failing miserably often) to humorously and effectively summarize some people whose lives are a bigger joke than mine. And yours. I mean, don't think you're getting off the hook, you wife-carrying joker.

Another effort:

Bud Selig
Channeling my inner John Rocker for a moment, it appears Selig is going to be spending a lot of time in San Francisco in the coming weeks. Lord knows that's a place where you can't even hit up a gay bar at 4am without being next to some kid with purple hair, some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time...

Knut the Polar Bear
The cutest thing in America is now "too dangerous" for his handler to play with. This reminds me so much of Barry Bonds between 1992 and now, it's not even funny. Here's what is (dangerous, not funny): I think I'm really talkin' about Barry's nut sack.

Antoine Walker
You know that scene in Back to the Future III where the villians tell Marty to dance for 'em? I kind of envision that's what happened when Walker wuz robbed, except the guy was screaming: "Do the Wiggle! Do the f***ing Wiggle!" Also, I generally assume it was Jeff Sheppard who did it, provided he's graduated by now (seriously, was that dude on the bench for Laettner's shot and then the D-Wade game? I think he was).

The National League
Their run in All-Star Games is starting to be the professional sports socio-cultural equivalent of Mandy Moore's relationship history.

Andruw Jones
You want some 2008 campaign rhetoric? A black man fails at his job, so an Asian gets more money. Vote Tancredo!

Greg Oden
I look at this tonsil situation as a good thing for the rest of us; it's the first somewhat tangible proof we've had that he's not 47.

Kevin Durant
*CLANK*
That's Durant's professional career through two games.
*WHHIIRRRRRR*
And that's Clay Bennett's plane taking off for Oklahoma City.
*Xie_Xie *
And THAT's Yi Jianlian thanking the press for his ROY trophy.

The Pacers
Colts are Super Bowl Champions. Peyton Manning is apparently funny. Tony Dungy has a book tour. The Indiana Fever are the best team in the WNBA. Eric Gordon is going to IU. Ron Artest, the most glorious Pacer of 'em all, might be headed to NYC. Meanwhile, the leading item on the Pacers' website is a chance to buy a Mike Dunleavy replica jersey. Austin Croshere is taking over no more. The P-Men have jumped the shark.

A-Rod
Who wears a suit to the Home Run Derby? He looked ready to rip a few sets of "Karma Chameleon" with these cats.

The Phillies
I've probably hit on 10,000 girls if you count sophomore year of college. I've lost almost every one of those battles. Where's Bryant Gumbel at my f***ing door, huh?

O.J. Simpson
The murderer and one-time NFL star turned 60 this week. Meaning, there's a new Last and Ten.

8 comments:

Chris said...

Oh please, the NL's All-Star game futility isn't even close to approaching the futility of the AFC in the Super Bowl in the 80's and 90's.

DAWUSS said...

We want Caps-Lock-Anon back...

Diane said...

Once again I'm baffled by Ted's choice of accompanying photo - who's the geek with the hard on for Tancredo?

gaylord said...

Haha, everyone hating on the Mid-week malaise always cracks me up, keep up the good work Ted... and change the name to something involving hump day

Fletch said...

Who the hell saw Back to the Future III???

NFL Adam said...

There was a Back to the Future III? Just kidding. The played them back to back in theaters, but nobody could stick with the third one because it blew.

Conrad Bain said...

If the comment section gets any more sally, we'll have to buy it Dora The Explorer underwear.

Fred Goldman said...

Hey Fuck Stains--

If O.J. makes a fucking dime from this site, you had better send that shit to me.