Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Mid-Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and although you probably know and horrifically resent me by now, I still feel the need to tell you again that I normally write over here, but do some work for NFL Adam on Wednesdays.

Mid-Week Malaise is pretty simple: your life is an absolute joke, and nothing like you once envisioned it might become. But have hope: there are some people whose lives are worse. Like, uh, these people:

Chris Benoit and his family
Not to make light of a terrible situation (but we'll do it anyway!), but do you think he gave the Rabid Wolverine throat slash before he off'ed her?

Ozzie Guillen
Remember when his biggest problem was that his best friend (Ugueth Urbina) was a murderer?

Billy Knight
You just know this guy is going to absolutely screw this to the wall. When he wakes up Friday morning, half of the Dir-Tay will be fans of the Krunk. The other half will still be mastering the Bird on DDR.

Spencer Hawes
This guy declaring for the NBA Draft is akin to Partridge Family going on tour with Akon. It just doesn't fit, and meanwhile Joakim Noah is simulating sex with Adam Silver on the podium.

The Celtics
You know that kid you play pick-up with who misses 10 shots in a row, then when he hits the 11th, he screams out "ALL DAY!" and trots backward looking for high fives? That dude is the only guy Boston could sign right now.

Barry Bonds' son
He's on the DL as part of the March to the End of Society. It's alright, though - I hear a few needles in the posterior is always good for what ails ya.

Chad Knaus
Hendricks crew chief might have surpassed A-Rod as "Biggest Whiner in Sports," Pac-Man as "Biggest Idiot in Sports," and every major MLB power hitter from 1988 through 2004 as "Biggest Cheater in Sports" (I'm looking specifically at you, Brady Anderson).

20-Somethings
Our lives are utterly meaningless, there are no good jobs, and we're all going to die of liver poisoning or nuclear holocaust within 18 months. To make matters worse, 40 year olds are getting all the attention. 7 of them towed the mound in MLB on Wednesday. And their drugs were probably more potent, too.

The Kandi Man
This time of year has to substantially painful for him, kind of like the time Amare put a ball on his dome and his junk right in his face. Come to think of it, Mikey mighta liked that...

Tony Parker
Next year at this time, when he wants to go out on those riverboats with his MVP Trophy and Boris Diaw just to chillax, his evil wench of a wife won't let him. And he won't have had sex in 11 months. And the Suns will be the champions (or the Warriors!) It's a long way down, Frenchie.

16 comments:

ks said...

I should be watching this Code
Thank you very much

DAWUSS said...

No Caps Lock Anon bashing today?

Fletch said...

Benoit joke = too soon. Even the guy that robbed the mother of the dead Patriot thinks that was in bad taste.

Diane said...

Was Ugueth Urbina one of Guillen's Santeria/Voodoo buddies? Good news though, Guillen says he only sacrifices animals when he's out of the States. Most American folks, he finds, just don't understand the beauty of his religion.

WCT said...

when you make a joke about a dead guy before Adam you KNOW its too soon.

Conrad Bain said...

Benoit joke = too soon.

Yeesh, who let all these softies in here?

The only thing that could make the Benoit episode more ripe for humor is if he'd been married to Terri Schiavo.

Mookie said...

you're writing funnier posts, and CAPPY isn't here!

Conrad Bain said...

I should be watching this Code
Thank you very much


Great. The German nihilists have found THN.

NFL Adam said...

Are we going to be on some terrorist watch list?

Great posts and great comments today. I think I'll just let myself out the back.

NFL Adam said...

And about Benoit, how many of you sickos are waiting for Benoit to show back up in the WWF and tell people that he's no longer the Crippler, but that he is now known as the Strangler. Because really, that gimmick would get over.

Fletch said...

Yeesh, who let all these softies in here?

The only thing that could make the Benoit episode more ripe for humor is if he'd been married to Terri Schiavo.


You're totally right - killing 7 year olds is HI-larious. I was way off base.

Conrad Bain said...

Fletch is gonna cry!

Fletch said...

Uh, yea.

Are you Conrad Bain or one of his adopted children? So much for civilized discussion...

Conrad Bain said...

Told ya he would!

Fletch said...

Yea, you totally faced me. Kudos to you. Point, Connie.

CB said...

Uh, could one of you girls please walk Fletch to the ladies room so he can pull himself together?