Mid-Week Malaise is pretty simple: your life is an absolute joke, and nothing like you once envisioned it might become. But have hope: there are some people whose lives are worse. Like, uh, these people:
Chris Benoit and his family
Not to make light of a terrible situation (but we'll do it anyway!), but do you think he gave the Rabid Wolverine throat slash before he off'ed her?
Remember when his biggest problem was that his best friend (Ugueth Urbina) was a murderer?
You just know this guy is going to absolutely screw this to the wall. When he wakes up Friday morning, half of the Dir-Tay will be fans of the Krunk. The other half will still be mastering the Bird on DDR.
This guy declaring for the NBA Draft is akin to Partridge Family going on tour with Akon. It just doesn't fit, and meanwhile Joakim Noah is simulating sex with Adam Silver on the podium.
You know that kid you play pick-up with who misses 10 shots in a row, then when he hits the 11th, he screams out "ALL DAY!" and trots backward looking for high fives? That dude is the only guy Boston could sign right now.
Barry Bonds' son
He's on the DL as part of the March to the End of Society. It's alright, though - I hear a few needles in the posterior is always good for what ails ya.
Hendricks crew chief might have surpassed A-Rod as "Biggest Whiner in Sports," Pac-Man as "Biggest Idiot in Sports," and every major MLB power hitter from 1988 through 2004 as "Biggest Cheater in Sports" (I'm looking specifically at you, Brady Anderson).
Our lives are utterly meaningless, there are no good jobs, and we're all going to die of liver poisoning or nuclear holocaust within 18 months. To make matters worse, 40 year olds are getting all the attention. 7 of them towed the mound in MLB on Wednesday. And their drugs were probably more potent, too.
The Kandi Man
This time of year has to substantially painful for him, kind of like the time Amare put a ball on his dome and his junk right in his face. Come to think of it, Mikey mighta liked that...
Next year at this time, when he wants to go out on those riverboats with his MVP Trophy and Boris Diaw just to chillax, his evil wench of a wife won't let him. And he won't have had sex in 11 months. And the Suns will be the champions (or the Warriors!) It's a long way down, Frenchie.