Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and I normally write over at A Price Above Bip Roberts, but on Wednesdays I come hither to NFL Adam and pen this thing called "Mid Week Malaise," which is theoretically an investigation of people whose lives are currently worse off than yours are.

Here's the thing, though (are you listening, CAPPY? Mookie?): I'll admit - these posts have been stale the last couple of weeks. No doubt. Perhaps I'm having an existential crisis on par with Stephanie Tanner when she first realized she was caught between D.J. with a boyfriend and Michelle being too cute (en route to cocaine addiction). Perhaps I'm just not good at what I do. Perhaps it's a combination of the two. I'll see if this week can be a little bit better. Here we go now:

Pac Man Jones
I mean seriously, is this a (expletive) joke?

$1.99 Kobe Rant Videos
I think I would rather watch entire episodes of "Boy Meets Grill" via I-Tunes.

Kobe himself
On a continuum of interest-generating elements, this guy ranks between anything about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's relationship and how your newest friend to start dating met the girl of his (expletive) dreams. "And there she was, in line at the post office..."

Sam Perlozzo
If he had one of those machines that Urkel created and somehow transformed himself into a weird smorgesboard of Davey Johnson and Earl Weaver, I'm pretty he still would have lost his job. That happens when you have Aubrey Huff anchoring your power hitting section.

Joe Girardi
Sure, he might be on the verge of employment. I guess someone told him he isn't in line to start burning down the Bronx in a year, though. His career is now taking an oddly similar trajectory to that of Lee Mazilli, and I can't imagine that as a good thing.

Kevin Durant
At this rate, he's going to enter the NBA coachless, which is basically equivalent to having Rick Barnes. Oh, (expletive).

People in Cincinnati
The Reds are about to become (even more) unwatchable. Bengals are getting arrested again. Huggins is in West Virginia and ready to unleash his wrath. This place has become the socio-cultural sporting equivalent of that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer locked the Japanese in the drawers, and collectively everyone wondered, "What just happened to a thing that once had promise?"

Jason Giambi
The last time he had this many people telling him to scream nasty stuff, it was this girl and a few of her friends. George Mitchell's knockers just aren't that nice (Selig's, though...)

2001 World Series Heroes
Randy Johnson has a slipped disk (and is a massive asshole). Curt Schilling is having a MRI (and is an utter douchebag). Gonzo got herpes from standing next to Joe Buck in a broadcast booth last season. And the entire state of Arizona still has to deal with Matt "The next Tom Brady, in all the wrong ways" Leinart and his growing pains.

People on "Hang Time"
Reggie Theus takes over an uninspired Kings team far from the glory days of "More Cowbell" at ARCO. Daniella Deutscher (Julie) has appeared in 1 episode of "Las Vegas" in the last 2 years, and meanwhile, her name is a feminine vaginal care product. Megan Parlen (Mary Beth) did voice work in a Tony Hawk video game in '03, and may well be dead now. And Anthony Anderson (Teddy Brodis) has successfully replaced that other dude from "Kenan and Kel" as "the fat black guy who can occasionally get you to laugh."


mookie said...

Now that was funny! Hey, I commented before Cappy!

mookie said...

this is ironic, you write a funny post, and no one else besides me has commented.

NFL Adam said...

Anthony Anderson was great in The Shield. Well done, Teddy.

Diane said...

I tried really hard, and I still can't figure out the tie-in with Alton Brown of "Good Eats",unless you thought that was Bobby Flay of Boy Meets Grill . . .

NFL Adam said...

Yeah, I think young Ted got mixed up on that photo.

Fletch said...

I figured that was just some dude "taking it with a grain of salt" or something.