Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haterz. My name is Ted, and predominantly I write over at A Price Above Bip Roberts, but on Wednesdays - Hump Day - I come over to NFL Adam's joint and do this little thing called Mid Week Malaise. The concept is simple: your life absolutely sucks (OK, so I'm projecting my issues onto you; sue me, cockface), but the 10 people or concepts below? Their lives are markedly worse. So, take some solace in that.

David Stern
His hero for the last decade marched into his first Finals and led the boys over the better Lakers. His hero for the next decade is getting curb-stomped by a mixture of Tony Soprano and Tony Parker.

Frank Jackson, Mayor of Cleveland
Just as I'm sure Kevin Harlan periodically crank calls Tony and Eva's house and pants heavily into the phone (with a box of tissues at the ready), I'm fairly certain Mr. Jackson calls Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown thrice daily and just starts laughing. It's the only thing that can possibly make the pain go away.

CAPPY
YOU'RE STILL A FRIGGIN' FRUIT. (Or as you might write it, "UR STIL A FRIGCKIN FROOT")

Prince Fielder
Sure, he's having a great season. But in the context of this whole "I hate my father" thing (in the spirit of the time of the year it is right now, let's just say it: who doesn't hate their father?), wouldn't it have been nice for him to stroll into Detroit and just unleash some Cecil-style bombs, then hug his father after he crossed home plate on one of 'em? Instead, Justin Verlander no hits his team, further proving the difference between quality of various leagues denoted as 'Central.'

John Daly
Can someone just write a country music song about this dude? I mean, am I the only person to ever get baked and try to come up with one? "Rippin' beers and smokin' butts while playing on the green... Johnny Daly lived a life of more than 18... 18 Problems... 18 Problems." I played the violin for one year, and the guitar for two. I stopped because I wasn't good.

Josh McRoberts
Some of you guys might remember that CSTV Road Tripper video with the Duke girls. If you click on it, the one decently hot girl basically admits that she's nailing McRoberts by denying it. When he's schlepping Shelden Williams' duffel around for the Hawks next season, he'll miss those days.

Milwaukee Bucks
I wear Bucks shorts when I work out, and I'm still a fat ass. That's problem No. 1. Problem No. 2, that I was slow on the uptake to realize, is that this generally abysmal team has pick No. 6 when they should have pick No. 3 in the upcoming Draft. So, instead of NBA ready PF Al Horford, they'll get that Chinese freak or Corey Brewer, who idiots liken to Scottie Pippen but most know will be the second coming of Sean Respert. Meanwhile, the Bucks haven't done well with a pick since 2000 and Michael Redd. They got Dirk in 1998 and T.J. Ford in 2003, but they blossomed elsewhere.

Two Things about the movie "Knocked Up"
The movie is tremendous. I never wanted it to end. But, here's my two problems: 1) the inherent message is that if you practice unsafe sex with a beautiful woman, she will fall in love with you and ultimately want to marry you. Why would I ever buy a condom? and 2) How can Katharine Heigl be dating a farg like Josh Kelley in real life? Can't she be with Chuck Liddell or someone? She deserves a bad ass.

Daunte Culpepper
2004: 4700 yards, 39 TD. 2007: begging the Texans to back up Matt Schaub. That "arm roll" thing has become the professional sports equivalent of the duck walk.

LSU
The tiger is dead. Long live the tiger. Right before a year their football team is supposed to end up in a New Orleans-based BCS Title game, the Bengal tiger mascot perished, thus sending LSU officials on a world-wide search ("anywhere with an airport," noted one employee) to find a new one. They should just throw some paint on Ralphie the Buffalo. Colorado's going nowhere faster than CAPPY's career.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

NICE COMEBACK. DID THAT TAKE YOU ALL WEEK TO THINK OF? APPARANTLY YOU DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING FROM YOUR FORAY INTO VIOLIN AND GUITAR. YOU SAID YOU QUIT CAUSE YOU WEREN'T GOOD. WELL, NEWS FLASH DIPSHIT- YOU AIN'T ANY GOOD AT WRITING EITHER! PROBABLY SHOULD QUIT THIS TOO. I HAD MORE LAUGHS READING THE BACK OF BIP ROBERTS' BASEBALL CARD THAN THIS SHIT.
YOU'RE FUCKIN HORRIBLE.
THANK GOD I DONT HAVE TO PAY TO READ THIS SHIT.
ADAM, MAYBE YOU CAN GET ORAL ROBERTS TO WRITE ON WEDNESDAYS. ANYTHIN SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF A POST.

SINCERLY , YOUR DADDY, CAPPY

Fletch said...

Ted, the terrorists win when you play into CAPPY's hands. At the same time, I enjoyed the image you chose.

I'm also wondering how "Two things about Knocked Up" is having a worse life than me. It seems to be doing just fine nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

Ted, you suck.
Fletch, you are about as relevant and funny as Chevy Chase is now.
Cappy is right. This is a clusterfuck.

Fletch said...

Obviously, you didn't see Dougal or The Karate Dog. Heh, shows what you know.


Oh wait.

DAWUSS said...

Cappy writes THN's next article. Just to see if he can walk the walk.


Or at least have him be the subject of a new Last and 10

mookie said...

As much as I think that Ted's post are pieces of crap, dawuss is right, what can you do that's so good cappy? Obviously spelling isn't one of them.

Conrad Bain said...

This is quite entertaining. It's like a UFC contest between Jack Klugman and Tony Randal.

NFL Adam said...

I have to admit that I am having fun.