Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Mid-Week Malaise

We've been doing this for three or four weeks now, so we'll keep it short and sweet in terms of an explanation. Basically, we've gradually come to the realization that all our lives suck, and Wednesdays are the epitome of that: half the work week down sure, but half remaining - and then honestly, what does the weekend hold? A whole lotta nuttin.

So yea, your life sucks. These 10 characters, though? Their lives suck more. Revel in it:

Eva Longoria
Let me get this straight: a) she can't get laid right now and b) her fiancee is clearly a bit more preoccupied with stopping Daniel "Boobie" Gibson than wedding plans. It's hard out there for a starlet.

Flip Saunders
Larry Brown: two straight trips to the NBA Finals (1-1). Lil' Flip: 2 straight trips to the Eastern Conference Finals (0-2).

The Chicago Bears
No Mo' Tank (for half the season). Cedric Benson is your lead back. And oh yea, Grossman is still under center. The Packers might win the NFC North.

Michael Vick
From a sheer math standpoint, if you own 66 dogs and 37 of 'em are dead on property you own, shouldn't that implicate you in something?

The Streets of Philadelphia
Phillies are .500 and 7 games back of a Mets team they'll never catch. Eagles are maybe the third most talented team in the NFC East. Sixers don't have a good enough pick to be relevant again next year. Flyers are - well, the Flyers.

Ken Griffey Jr
His Reds are 15 under the .500 mark, and here's what's worse - in 2 weekends, when Barry could be breaking the all-time record (if he can get hot again), Griffey will travel to Seattle in perhaps the most painful reminder in recent sports history of "what could have been."

The Orlando Magic brass
Don't cry for them. They're already dead.

Larry Bird
Every time a dude like LeBron comes around, he has to see multiple clips of Jordan going for 63 against him in the Garden and Magic's magical performances against the Cs. His back probably winces with pain on every frame of those video segments. Meanwhile, he hired Jim O' Brien to coach a Pacers team sorely in need of a kick-you-in-the-grill leader to right their ship.

The Orioles
Keep finding heartbreaking ways to lose (Vlad hits a walk-off against them on Sunday). Meanwhile, I'm headed down there on Friday night (against the Rockies!) to eat and drink them out of house and home. When I pass out on the field from my perch in the CF bleachers, at least they'll get some publicity.

COMMENTER CAPPY
WHY DOESN'T THIS GUY GO AND GET A LIFE? OR AT LEAST A KEYBOARD THAT WORKS? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP SPOOGING ON YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY, WHICH IS CLEARLY THE SOURCE OF YOUR BEST KNOWN CHARACTERISTIC.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

lyDONT START RIPPING ON ME YOU NO TALENT ASS-CLOWN. TALK ABOUT GETTING A LIFE, HOW BOUT YOU STOP RIPPING OFF ROME? GET YOUR OWN VOICE. I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING YOU "WRITE" ABOUT ON ROME'S SHOW THE DAY BEFORE. NOW, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO JACK OFF TO YOUR KIDDY PORN THAT YOU HAVE STACKED NEXT TO YOUR T.V. WITH ROME ON IT. YOUR POSTS SUCK AS MUCH AS ONE OF BUCZKOWSKI'S HO'S ON A GOOD NIGHT. WHY DONT YOU TAKE A BREAK AND GO FOR A JET-SKI RIDE???? TRUST ME, YOU'D BE DOING THE WORLD A SERVICE.
P.S. DIPSHIT, CAPS LOCK WORKS. see??? I CHOOSE NOT TO USE IT. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, DONT READ MY POSTS. LITTLE BITCHES WHINING ABOUT CAPS OR NO APS, IT'S STILL ENGLISH MORON!!!!!!!!

P.S.S.- I TRIED ADAM. THIS FUCKHEAD OPENED THE CAN....

Fletch said...

So...how 'bout them Angels?

DAWUSS said...

Can we just automatically name Caps Lock Anonymous as THN's 2007 Figure of the Year?

Diane said...

Would this be a good time to tell the story about when a friend of mine picked up Bird at CJ Brett's mid 1985 Finals with the Lakers?

Apparently he was pretty hot to trot because he had blown dry his hair and was hanging around the ladies restroom, propositioning each gal as she came out.

p.s. yes, my friend was hot
p.p.s. yes, she was from Boston

WCT said...

There seriously needs to be a poll and we need to name the comment monkey of the year. I nominate CAPPY, Tommy Tuck Rule (just for his name), the fake Tony Dungy, and the fake Will Leitch

mookie said...

Anonymous is funnier than you Ted, annoying as heck, but you have to add HUMOR to your malaise.

Tony Dungy said...

Wrath killeth the foolish man, and envy slayeth the silly one. But all except the gay man may attend the Indiana Family Council banquet this Sunday.

DAWUSS said...

I'll one up WCT: CAPPY, Tony Dungy, and possibly Joe Buck need to be a guest contributor.

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

I find it interesting that Anonymous leads of a comment about orginality by directly quoting "no-talent ass clown" from Office Space. Cappy's posts usually suck, they sound like pure hate. You know like the ones written by the bald, jaded, ex sportswriter who lost his job with but a wave of the Bish's hand. Everyone has one of those at work, right?

Anonymous said...

TOMMY, LITTLE JADED THAT I WENT TO THE "JET-SKI" COMMENT?? I HAVE YET TO SEE SOMETHING YOU'VE POSTED THAT REMOTELY MADE ME LAUGH.
HOW BOUT YOU GO TO N.E. AND MAYBE GIVE THE PATS A COUPLE LESSONS IN WATERSPORT SAFETY. I'M SURE YOU'RE "QUALIFIED" TO DO IT, SINCE YOU'RE POSTS USUALLY SUCK JUST AS BAD IF NOT WORSE THAN THIS ROME-A-BE HERE...AAAAAGGHHHHH. SPIT! DONT CHOKE ON IT. JUST LOVE IT.

Anonymous said...

MJ scored every single point on LB en route to 63. EVERY SINGLE POINT. True story.

Anonymous said...

uh...,tommy. you say that anonymous's posts sound like they are full of hate and you're ripping on him for it?? ummm. isn't that the whole point of this site? the HATER nation. wow.
east coast fans..........gotta luv'em huh?

BostonSucksMyBlog said...

eagles for the Supe this year, man.

NFL Adam said...

CAPPY, I understand. I do not fault you for lashing out. I also like Dawuss's idea for making you POY.

I want to hear more about Diane's story.

Great comments, WCT, Mookie and Tommy Tuck Rule. Maybe we shouldn't give CAPPY the crown just yet.

bucky said...

Eva Longoria can't get laid right now?

She's hanging out with the wrong crowd. I know a few people who could help her with her problem.

Kordell said...

I could solve her problem.

Kordell said...

btw, there should be an award for the comment monkey who taps the most hotties. I'd lock that one up, every year.

Conrad Bain said...

Any list of nominees for Comment Monkey of the Year has got to include The Hatriot.

NFL Adam said...

So true. Speaking of The Hatriot, I have an invite to kick out.

Kordell said...

I am the Tapriot!