So yea, your life sucks. These 10 characters, though? Their lives suck more. Revel in it:
Let me get this straight: a) she can't get laid right now and b) her fiancee is clearly a bit more preoccupied with stopping Daniel "Boobie" Gibson than wedding plans. It's hard out there for a starlet.
Larry Brown: two straight trips to the NBA Finals (1-1). Lil' Flip: 2 straight trips to the Eastern Conference Finals (0-2).
The Chicago Bears
No Mo' Tank (for half the season). Cedric Benson is your lead back. And oh yea, Grossman is still under center. The Packers might win the NFC North.
From a sheer math standpoint, if you own 66 dogs and 37 of 'em are dead on property you own, shouldn't that implicate you in something?
The Streets of Philadelphia
Phillies are .500 and 7 games back of a Mets team they'll never catch. Eagles are maybe the third most talented team in the NFC East. Sixers don't have a good enough pick to be relevant again next year. Flyers are - well, the Flyers.
Ken Griffey Jr
His Reds are 15 under the .500 mark, and here's what's worse - in 2 weekends, when Barry could be breaking the all-time record (if he can get hot again), Griffey will travel to Seattle in perhaps the most painful reminder in recent sports history of "what could have been."
The Orlando Magic brass
Don't cry for them. They're already dead.
Every time a dude like LeBron comes around, he has to see multiple clips of Jordan going for 63 against him in the Garden and Magic's magical performances against the Cs. His back probably winces with pain on every frame of those video segments. Meanwhile, he hired Jim O' Brien to coach a Pacers team sorely in need of a kick-you-in-the-grill leader to right their ship.
Keep finding heartbreaking ways to lose (Vlad hits a walk-off against them on Sunday). Meanwhile, I'm headed down there on Friday night (against the Rockies!) to eat and drink them out of house and home. When I pass out on the field from my perch in the CF bleachers, at least they'll get some publicity.
WHY DOESN'T THIS GUY GO AND GET A LIFE? OR AT LEAST A KEYBOARD THAT WORKS? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP SPOOGING ON YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY, WHICH IS CLEARLY THE SOURCE OF YOUR BEST KNOWN CHARACTERISTIC.