Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and I'm the primary author of the sub-par, no-need-to-read blog A Price Above Bip Roberts, but on Wednesdays I stop by Hater Nation to do a little thing called The Mid Week Malaise.

Here's the basic principle: it's Wednesday (duh), and if you have a "normal" work week, that means you're done with 2 days (yay!) but still have 2 days left (boo!), including the seemingly-drags-on-forever Friday afternoon block. And then honestly - what the hell do you have going on this weekend? Maybe a Pirates of the Carribean viewing? Maybe some porn downloading? Maybe watching the Yankees dynasty crumble before our very eyes? Whatever it is, it's probably not THAT exciting.

Face it: your life sucks. However, these 10 people's lives suck WORSE:

The Pistons Brass
Tidbit to Feast On No. 1: if the Pistons manage to lose this series, they will have served as fodder for the coronation of D-Wade and LeBron. Meanwhile, in '03 they took Darko (at least they got to beat his ass in a meaningless first round series!). What if Dumars suddenly starts looking like the new Isiah? That'd be hot.

David Stern and his arsenal of refs
Tidbit to Feast On, No. 2: if the Cavaliers manage to lose this series, does "The No-Call" (the end of Game 2) enter Cleveland lore with "The Drive" and "The Fumble" and "The Shot" and "The Hit?" OK, so no one calls Renteria's base knock in the 11th "The Hit," but it fit my needs for this section. The point is, Cleveland is utterly cursed.

Chauncey Billups
Note to "Big Shot Billups" - when in pursuit of a max contract, do a few different things. Take drugs (Gary Matthews Jr) or nail Alyssa Milano (Carl Pavano). Do NOT, under any circumstances, start playing like yourself circa 1999, when you were basketball's cross between Kenny Lofton and BJ Surhoff.

Danny Ainge
(This happened last Wednesday after I wrote Mid Week Malaise, so it still counts). Alright, so the Corey Brewer Era can begin in Boston. Sigh. Meanwhile, a team you helped make famous in the early 1990s - and who you assumed you had "hoodwinked" for Telfair - is about to start regularly beating your ass.

First Year Managers in Baseball
If the Nationals ever appeared as a tomato can for someone else on FOX's "Game of the Week," I think Manny Acta is at a point with his pitching staff where he'd go up to the booth and ask Thom Brennaman to warm up for the sixth. Meanwhile, Ron Washington has managed to make the Rangers the absolute least relevant team in baseball - an impressive feat, considering the amount of (theoretical) talent on that roster.

Carlos Boozer
It was a lot easier against Shane Battier and a rotating cast of Warriors, wasn't it Dookie?

Michael Vick
A few summers ago, I was chillin' with my friend from Richmond in DC. His brother showed up at the house. Began a sentence, "Man, I was at this dog fight last week..." No doubt that stuff happens in certain corridors of Virginia. No doubt Vick was involved, either. Now he's got this on his plate in addition to yet another new coaching system and having to anchor a team with absolutely nothing on defense. He'll be the NFL's answer to Darius Miles within 18 months.

Kobe Bryant
You want Jerry West back, huh? Do ya? You gon' cry about it? Why don't you go elbow another white player in the grill to make yourself feel better, Employee No. 24.

The NHL Brass
So, let me get this straight. You disappear for an entire season. You sign a TV deal with a network that pre-empts you for a bunch of guys standing in front of manure filing reports on non-humans. You put your championship round on a network that a few people in central Minnesota might know where to find on their TV set. And then - in the midst of all this irrelevance - you wait about six days to actually start the Cup Finals, despite the fact there was NO NBA playoff game last Friday night? Sheesh, Betts. Can I call you Betts? It'll make me feel better about pantsing you later.

Lindsay Lohan
No doubt she needed to make it. The only question of athletic relevance for her: how long until we find out she blew Doc Gooden for drugs? I'd put the over/under at four months.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

how long until we find out she blew Doc Gooden for drugs? I'd put the over/under at four months.

And it counts!

Anonymous said...

THIS IS HORRIBLE!
GET THIS ROME WANNABE OUTTA HERE. I'D RATHER READ ABOUT THE FUCKIN ANGELS THEN THIS SHIT. HELL, I'D EVEN WORK THROUGH A DOLTS PIECE THAN THIS CRAP. THIS DUDE IS A FULL ON RIP-OFF. FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THIS.
THIS GUY STINKS WORSE THAN HE YANKEES PITCHING STAFF!
NOW THAT SAYIN SOMETHIN..

Fletch said...

The Pistons can't be feeling all that bad. Sure, they botched a high pick (horribly), byt they're still the class of the LEast and will probably make the Finals again. Let's not feel too sorry for them.