Thursday, May 31, 2007

Things You Didn't Want to Know

From the New York Daily News comes word that Alex Rodriguez likes his chicks buff like Chyna.

A petite stripper at the Hustler Club said A-Rod "likes the she-male, muscular type. They brought me up to the champagne room one time. I spun around once and that was it. I'm not his type."

Coincidentally, Tom Cruise likes his strippers muscular and with a little bit more penis. Hey, whatever turns you on. The story also goes on to state that A-Rod is the king of strip clubs, as he often shows up there with his wife.

She said A-Rod often brought his wife to the club "and she's very pretty. I'd rather dance for her any day."

And you know what? Who cares? A-Rod is doing nothing illegal. Besides, when you make that much money, you have to find a way to spend it. Even if it's only $20 at a time. People are offended that A-Rod is cheating on his wife, yet never stop to consider that his wife might be a horrible person. You don't know what is going on behind closed doors.

And as Chris Rock once said, a man is only as faithful as his options. Bloggers hanging around their homes blasting athletes probably don't have the same options as the best player in baseball. But that's just a guess.

Thanks to Titan Tim for the tip.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Kobe Bryant Implicated in Dog Fighting

That seems to be the only reason why Kobe would come out and demand a trade. Either that, or he's doing his boss, Old Doc Buss, a solid by taking the heat off his recent DUI. Whatever the case, this Kobe trade business is nonsense because Kobe won’t be traded. As T.J. Simers noted on Sunday, the Lakers need a superstar to fill Staples Center, and Kwame Brown and Lamar Odom won't quite cut it.

But Kobe needs to stand up and be accountable for the mess that he has created. Kobe didn't orchestrate the Shaq trade, and he is owed an apology from those (us included) that insinuated that he did. It's not like he signed his deal the very next day after Shaq was traded to Miami. Oh wait, that is exactly what happened. Must have been a coincidence. But let's play along and pretend that Kobe didn’t demand that trade. He could have made his own free-agent signing contingent on the team keeping Shaq. But it's clear he didn't want to be on the same team, and that's cool.

Don't cry about the team not having enough of a supporting class. Kobe could have signed with the Clippers who had much more talent than the Lakers at that point. And really, the deal for Shaq was actually good for the Lakers in that the team received Odom and Caron Butler who averaged nearly 20 points last season. The only problem is that he did it for Washington because Kobe insisted the team get Brown.

Kobe wanted to be the man on his own team. He might not have sent Shaq out the door, but he held it open for him to leave. Kobe created this mess and he’s not going to be traded. But hey, anything to get that Mike Vick dog-fighting scandal off the radio is alright by us.

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and I'm the primary author of the sub-par, no-need-to-read blog A Price Above Bip Roberts, but on Wednesdays I stop by Hater Nation to do a little thing called The Mid Week Malaise.

Here's the basic principle: it's Wednesday (duh), and if you have a "normal" work week, that means you're done with 2 days (yay!) but still have 2 days left (boo!), including the seemingly-drags-on-forever Friday afternoon block. And then honestly - what the hell do you have going on this weekend? Maybe a Pirates of the Carribean viewing? Maybe some porn downloading? Maybe watching the Yankees dynasty crumble before our very eyes? Whatever it is, it's probably not THAT exciting.

Face it: your life sucks. However, these 10 people's lives suck WORSE:

The Pistons Brass
Tidbit to Feast On No. 1: if the Pistons manage to lose this series, they will have served as fodder for the coronation of D-Wade and LeBron. Meanwhile, in '03 they took Darko (at least they got to beat his ass in a meaningless first round series!). What if Dumars suddenly starts looking like the new Isiah? That'd be hot.

David Stern and his arsenal of refs
Tidbit to Feast On, No. 2: if the Cavaliers manage to lose this series, does "The No-Call" (the end of Game 2) enter Cleveland lore with "The Drive" and "The Fumble" and "The Shot" and "The Hit?" OK, so no one calls Renteria's base knock in the 11th "The Hit," but it fit my needs for this section. The point is, Cleveland is utterly cursed.

Chauncey Billups
Note to "Big Shot Billups" - when in pursuit of a max contract, do a few different things. Take drugs (Gary Matthews Jr) or nail Alyssa Milano (Carl Pavano). Do NOT, under any circumstances, start playing like yourself circa 1999, when you were basketball's cross between Kenny Lofton and BJ Surhoff.

Danny Ainge
(This happened last Wednesday after I wrote Mid Week Malaise, so it still counts). Alright, so the Corey Brewer Era can begin in Boston. Sigh. Meanwhile, a team you helped make famous in the early 1990s - and who you assumed you had "hoodwinked" for Telfair - is about to start regularly beating your ass.

First Year Managers in Baseball
If the Nationals ever appeared as a tomato can for someone else on FOX's "Game of the Week," I think Manny Acta is at a point with his pitching staff where he'd go up to the booth and ask Thom Brennaman to warm up for the sixth. Meanwhile, Ron Washington has managed to make the Rangers the absolute least relevant team in baseball - an impressive feat, considering the amount of (theoretical) talent on that roster.

Carlos Boozer
It was a lot easier against Shane Battier and a rotating cast of Warriors, wasn't it Dookie?

Michael Vick
A few summers ago, I was chillin' with my friend from Richmond in DC. His brother showed up at the house. Began a sentence, "Man, I was at this dog fight last week..." No doubt that stuff happens in certain corridors of Virginia. No doubt Vick was involved, either. Now he's got this on his plate in addition to yet another new coaching system and having to anchor a team with absolutely nothing on defense. He'll be the NFL's answer to Darius Miles within 18 months.

Kobe Bryant
You want Jerry West back, huh? Do ya? You gon' cry about it? Why don't you go elbow another white player in the grill to make yourself feel better, Employee No. 24.

The NHL Brass
So, let me get this straight. You disappear for an entire season. You sign a TV deal with a network that pre-empts you for a bunch of guys standing in front of manure filing reports on non-humans. You put your championship round on a network that a few people in central Minnesota might know where to find on their TV set. And then - in the midst of all this irrelevance - you wait about six days to actually start the Cup Finals, despite the fact there was NO NBA playoff game last Friday night? Sheesh, Betts. Can I call you Betts? It'll make me feel better about pantsing you later.

Lindsay Lohan
No doubt she needed to make it. The only question of athletic relevance for her: how long until we find out she blew Doc Gooden for drugs? I'd put the over/under at four months.

Clemens to Return Against Sox

Too bad it will be against the Chicago White Sox, and not the Red Sox. Manager Joe Torre does not want Roger Clemens to pitch against the Red Sox because that would fly in the face of the skipper's strategy to fall behind the Sox by more than 20 games before June 1.

Now, some might want to pin this on Roger, but don't be that guy. Clemens is many things, chicken is not one of them. Remember, Roger took his beaning like a man when he went to Shea Stadium in the year following his head-hunting of Mike Piazza. So the dude isn't afraid of anything. And hey, maybe Torre's strategy is sound, considering he doesn't want to upset his murderer's row of front-line starters.

But how pissed are executives from ESPN right now, who would want nothing more than for Clemens to return to Fenway Sunday night? So close chumps. Maybe Roger can pitch in one of the networks other numerous showings of this rivalry during the summer.

Monday, May 28, 2007

The Post Mortem

John Miller is obviously still smarting from the Angels defeat of the San Francisco Giants in the 2002 World Series. Especially if the Giants broadcaster called the Angels sweep of the Yankees a “shock.”

Really, a shock?

The Angels have won 18 of their last 26 games against the Bronx Bummers, hardly a "shock." The Angels, much like the rest of the rest of the AL this season, own the Yankees. Nothing shocking.

Will the Yankees ever consider dealing some of its aging players as they continue to tumble further out of the race? The Angels could make a play for Alex Rodriguez for merely prospects at this point because the Yankees have no need for Major Leaguers. This season is over for New York. They have no prayer of catching Boston, but the Indians, Tigers and A’s are better teams. (And the A’s have that 25-4 August coming.) But hey, Roger Clemens is only going to make, what, $30M this season?

Orlando Cabrera took his shots at the Yankees fans in the LA Times on Sunday.

"They don't appreciate good baseball," he said. "They just appreciate the Yankees beating up on everybody." "In Boston, they admire baseball," Cabrera said. "In Anaheim, those fans are some of the best in baseball. They know you care there. They know you can't do it every day. I appreciate that. These people here, they're mean. And they're really mean to the other team."



Kobe Bryant's tenure as General Manager of the Los Angeles Lakers has been brutal. The guy gets Shaq shipped to South Beach, and now he is complaining that he doesn't have enough help? Trading Shaq was the right thing to do. But the Lakers hands have been tied in recent years because, let's face it, nobody is interested in helping the Lakers out in a trade. Now, callers to sports-talk radio have put together numerous packages that include Smush Parker, Brian Cook and a draft pick for Kevin Garnett, but that's not going to happen.

The team's only bargaining chip, Andrew Bynum, has become valuable considering that Greg Oden is in the division, so you can’t trade him. And remember, Bynum is only a year older than Oden, but he already has a couple of years of NBA experience under his belt. Jermaine O’Neal needed some time to develop, so be patient.

And that goes for Kobe, too. This is the team that you wanted.

  • Wow, hope you didn’t blink and miss that UFC main event title fight on Saturday night. How does that feel when you marquee personality is knocked out in less than two minutes, probably ending his career? Yes, human cockfighting mixed martial arts is the next big thing. At least this shows that UFC guys aren’t smart enough to fix its matches. Enjoy your next UFC title fight on the Vs. Network next year.
  • Maybe the UFC should look to groom one of Mike Vick's dogs as its next champion. The dog would be more articulate than Frank Trigg.
  • Peyton Manning wins a Super Bowl in the rain. Now the Indy 500, where Manning served as starter, was called early because of the rain. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing.
  • Did you notice that the Indy 500 coverage went overboard on the Ashley Judd front? Like the ABC execs said, "Listen, we are going to show one famous broad celebrating today." And Judd is with some Indy racing dude? Was this news to anybody else? Kind of figured she was the kind of girl who would end up with Richie Farmer or John Pelphrey.
  • Alright, how long has Cleveland had a dude who looks like Sideshow Bob? This obviously isn't news to anybody who follows the NBA (all six of you), but damn it, that won’t stop THN from making stupid jokes about it.
  • Justin Guarini. Yeah, that works, too. Sorry, this is a whole new window that was opened up. Kind of like somebody who just started watching Entourage for the first time back in March and won’t shut up about it now? And that becomes extremely annoying because, you know, the guy has still only seen the first season.
  • Wait a minute, Ottawa has a black goalie? Who else thought that was just some rapper in a Senators jersey? Hey, if the Suns can win with Steve Nash, then anything is possible.
  • There was a certain electricity in Anaheim on Monday night. Hockey is not dead in Southern California. Not enough to make a few of us refrain from going to the Angels game instead of watching the Stanley Cup finals at The National, but at least we cheered like hell when it was announced that the Ducks won. Hey, that’s progress.
  • ASU's Pat Murphy, as a member of the NCAA selection committee, didn’t put Fullerton into the Sun Devils’ regional, obviously still quivering from the shadow of the Titans. Good luck to the West Coast teams.


Thankfully the Duke lacrosse team lost its bid for a national championship on Monday. Now, those kids might have been innocent of sexually assaulting that exotic dancer, but looking at those kids, you know they were guilty of something. Seriously, those kids looked like the poster boys for Rohypnol Monthly. If they weren't guilty of this crime, they were guilty of something. It's only a matter of time before one of those punks are lobbying the president to go to war with some defenseless country in order to make a profit.

A Hater Nation Mourns

Dumb Donald was so dumb. (How dumb was he?) Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't realize that Charles Nelson Reilly was dead because his (blank) was always stiff.

It is with great regret that The Hater Nation must announce that Charles Nelson Reilly has passed away. Hang tough, friends. He has now moved on to that great big Match Game in the sky.

Sharapova: Potty Mouth

The Post Mortem will come to live Tuesday because of the holiday weekend. Or maybe late Monday depending on how many Miller High Life's are consumed. So check out Maria Sharapova cursing out an umpire. Don't be ashamed for liking this.

Thanks for the link, Deadspin.

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Weak Ender

Sorry for the delay, but Josh Hancock’s father is suing THN and the Gridiron Apocalypse for offering a six-pack of Hamms, which might or might not have been one of the contributing factors of the pitcher’s death.

Speaking of people who should meet the business end of a tow truck, Rosie O’Donnell is in the news again for picking a fight with our girl, Elisabeth Filarski, on The View. Has it dawned on anybody the way the producers have stacked that show with the lady on the right side of the isle being significantly more attractive than the gal on the other side of the isle? That’s the kind of stuff you would expect from FOX News.

Donald Trump, of course, had to weigh in claiming that Filarski is the dumbest person on television, oblivious that Keyshawn Johnson has signed a deal with ESPN.

Yep, that was quite a build-up for a Keyshawn joke.

  • There are rumors swirling that Donovan McNabb could be headed for Chicago. That is one of those deals that looks good on paper, but probably won’t happen. NFL teams just don’t seem to make many blockbuster trades. But how pissed would Trent Green be if this trade happened before he was traded? Still, don’t you’re your breath on this one.
  • Anybody else prepared for a Jason Giambi for Ervin Santana trade? Honestly, it’s coming. When you wake up and see a score like 12-0, do you even have to ask who was starting? But we aren’t covering any new ground here. But here’s a quick jeer for Columbia Sussex, the new owners of the Tropicana who do not have FOX Sports on its dish package. And if you look at the new plans, Columbia Sussex seems intent on ruining the Tropicana. Ask the former owners of the Aladdin how aping its casino and keep its name worked out for it. This is just depressing. Columbia Sussex also has a bad reputation for mismanaging casinos. Maybe they can get Rick Tocchet to run its joints, seeing that he needs work.
  • Kellie Pickler is the latest hockey groupie. This sport may live in oblivion on some obscure cable network, but these guys certainly score some attractive women.
  • The John Smoltz thing would be more impressive if the saves stat was more meaningful. Yeah, getting three outs against a National League lineup is quite a challenge. Well, for people other than Brad Lidge. But what is admirable is that Smoltz was willing to take any role for the Braves to win, and that is something you don’t see from baseball players every day. And hey, he shows up for the entire season.


  • Alright, the link for Bucs Stats was incorrect on Wednesday. Scott has been a Comment Monkey almost from the beginning, so please excuse the error.

  • Mark Cuban weighs in the draft lottery. But he drinks Bud Light? Seriously, he doesn’t want those gay rumors to go away.

  • Rumors and Rants laments when the Indy 500 used to be cool. Now it’s just a couple of chicks driving while talking on cell phones. How that is any different than your typical driver on the 405?


The Steroid Nation notes that Mike Vick could make a good deal of money franchising Pit Bull fighting here in the U.S. As disturbing as it is, that might not be far off. At least if the current direction with UFC is any indication. The only difference between a UFC fighter and a Pit Bull fighter is that the dog is probably a little bit smarter, and people actually care if the dog lives.

Obviously, the dogs are forced into fighting and the whole notion of raising dogs to fight is clearly despicable. But the point is that if America is embracing, as the Hatriot called it, “Human Cock Fighting,” how long before the bloodlust turns to dog fighting? Maybe Vick should be seen as a visionary and a step ahead of the curve.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Mid-Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and predominantly you can find me over at A Price Above Bip Roberts, although for the foreseeable future, I'll be doing a little Wednesday gig here at Hater Nation.

The name of the gig is "Mid-Week Malaise," and here's the essential premise: it's only Wednesday. If you have a normal work schedule, you got 2 days BEHIND you, sure - but also 2 days in front of you. And what are you gonna do this weekend, anyway? Go to Home Depot with wifey? Sit around and pretend to read something off a national best-seller list? My ass. You're gonna feel sorry for yourself.

In the process of doing THAT - and in the process of thinking to yourself hourly, "Man, another 2 days of this crap?" - The Mid Week Malaise is going to provide you with a list of people whose lives are worse than yours at present. Don't we all need to bask in the reflected sorrows of others from time to time to feel better about ourselves?

Hell yes, we do. And here we go now:

Danny Ainge
Alright, let me get this straight. You could have had Greg Oden (arguably the best big man in two decades) or Kevin Durant (maybe the best combo forward since Garnett) to lead your proud franchise out of misery alongside some other good young players. Instead, you're probably going to get Corey Brewer, Joakim Noah, or - if you're the idiot everyone wants to believe you are - that Chinese dude, Yi Jianlian. Sigh. What is it with good players from the 1980s having such a crappy run of luck as executives? What water is Joe Dumars drinking that the rest of you aren't? Oh yea. The fire water.

Marc Iavaroni
You were a favorite, according to some reports, to be the next head coach of the Sonics. Now, though, things might be different. They have the No. 2 pick, which means either Durant or Oden - pending a trade - is going to the Emerald City. That player, coupled with Ray Allen shooting healthy three balls, could be enough to keep the team there. I don't think Lenny Wilkens is about to hand the reins of this bus to a lifelong assistant with a few quick stints here and there doing more. He'll probably take the job himself, or give it to Rick Carlisle or (gasp!) Dwayne Casey or someone. So, Mr. Iavaroni, get ready for another season where you win 60 games out-gunning everyone and then lose in the Western Finals to a rejuvenated-by-their-loss-to-the-Warriors Mavericks team.

Joe Torre
Two wins in a row (Sunday and Monday) was nice and all, but it comes down to this: if you bite it to the Red Sox today, that means you'll have lost back-to-back series against your two biggest rivals - the one across the city, and the one up I-95. We realize it's not necessarily Joe's fault (have you seriously sat down and looked at this pitching staff?), but it might be time for things to change in YankeeLand eventually. Cashman should bite it, Torre should bite it, and they should just start over with the same philosophy they had in the mid-1990s: build through the farm, not through the drug-addled dollar.

The city of Denver
Let's summarize, shall we? The Nuggets win Game 1 against the Spurs. Guess what? The Spurs are en route to another Finals appearance, and the Nuggs didn't win another game. The Avalanche missed the playoffs for the first time in forever. The Rockies are in dead last in the NL West. The Broncos missed the playoffs on the final day of the regular season last year, and now there's a restraining order out on one of their tight ends. Sheesh. Mile Low is more like it.

Dominik Hasek
Hasek, arguably the best goalie of the past two decades, has a scant one Stanley Cup title (2002) to his name. He had a legitimate shot to add another this year, or so it seemed: after the hit on Tomas Holmstrom in Game 3, Chris Pronger was sat down (i.e. suspended) for Game 4. If the Wings had won that puppy, Game 5 would have been back at the Joe with a chance to take it home; instead, Detroit dropped that game, and in the deciding Game 6, Hasek let that red light behind him go off a bit too much early on as the Ducks made their second Cup Finals appearance in the past four years. This might have been Hasek's last best chance to reach the ice's promised land.

The good people of Buffalo
We won't belabor the point - Music City Miracle, Norwood, skate in the crease - but Buffalo has had some bad ass luck when it comes to sports. Perhaps more importantly, the city itself blows. I was out there once on a Sunday night back in 2003, and while I'm not claiming any city has a truly bustling social dynamic on a Sunday, Buffalo was just utterly depressing to be in. This year, the absolute best team in the NHL (theoretically) bit it in five games to a good Senators team made good by basically just their first line. And let's be honest here: the Bills, who lost almost everyone this off-season and gained a few rookies and also-rans, aren't going to contend in a pretty solid AFC East. Cry, cry Buffalo.

Jerry Sloan
Maybe if this was 1998, things would be different. You could take out the Spurs - heck, you did that year in the Western Semis, 4-1 - and there'd be no Michael Jordan awaiting you on the next step of the bracket, and maybe you'd win your first ever NBA Championship as a coach. As it stands, you've got a really solid roster that has no idea how to win in San Antonio or even to compete against the Spurs' Big Three in general. You might get the broom taken to you, Jerry, in the same year you were called by a former player, "... the absolute worst person..." he's ever met.

Barry Bonds
When you do this, the man you're doing it over (Aaron) won't be there, and there's a high probability the man who presides over the whole spectacle of your life (Selig) won't either. Not to mention, if you don't start sending some balls into orbit right about now, you're not going to be close enough to do it in Boston off of Schilling, which is a home run that would literally redefine the entire baseball world. Let's get cracking, B-Squared.

Michael Vick and Clinton Portis
One of you may have dogs beaten on your property; the other condones it. Both are you are idiots. Here's a bigger issue: both of you, on the field, are capable of so much more than you actually provide. Mr. Vick, you won a playoff game at Lambeau a few years ago, for chrissakes. What have you done for me lately? Mr. Portis, stop talking about your Mississippi roots and go out and run for a relevant 1,400 yards, lead the Skins to the NFC East title and the NFC Championship Game, and try not to get hurt in the process, and maybe then - and only then - I'll listen to you about your take on animal cruelty.

Roger Goodell
Sure, you make a lot of money, and run the most powerful sports entertainment product in the world. But do you really want all these clowns parading through your office? You need a couple of minutes to idly download porn with the screen aligned just so that no one can see, right? I mean, every busy man needs a chance to detox once in a while. "Oh, Marvin Lewis is in the lobby? Just tell him to hold on a second..."

Raiders Dedicate Season to the Executed

Thanks to Mark from West Side Slant and Scott from Bucs Stats, whho tipped this story of a prisoner, whose last words were Go Raiders.

Does this even surprise anybody? Like you have to decide if this is even news at this point. What else is this guy going to say other than maybe "Go Dodgers?"

The best part was this statement released by the Raiders today.

The Raiders organization would like to say that we are saddened by the sudden passing of Robert Charles Comer. He was a true Raiders fan. By that, we mean that he spent a lot of time in jail, like most of our great fans. Prison walls cannot contain the excitement over Raiders football.

The Raiders are pleased that Comer's last words were "Go Raiders" which shows the greatness of the Raiders organization. To our knowledge nobody has ever been put to death uttering the words, "Go Seahawks" or "Go Lions." That's because the Raiders are the most fearsome organization in the world. Though he leaves our world and his Earthly body, the Arizona prison system can't kill the spirit of the Raiders, who will return to greatness under Lane Kiffin. As for his victim, we hear he was a snitch and a Raiders Hater, anyway, so it's all good. Bless Robert Charles Comer as the Raiders will dedicate the 2007 season to his memory.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Proof That God Loves You

This isn’t about celebrating the misfortune of the Celtics once again. Nor is it a chance to rejoice in the fact that Greg Oden and Kevin Durant will live long enough to showcase their talents in the NBA. This is about celebrating David Stern, who went out of his way to fix the NBA Draft Lottery, as he ensured that three teams who tanked for position, Memphis, Boston, and Milwaukee were all left without a franchise super star next year. You can have your rigging of the Knicks/Patrick Ewing or Spurs/Tim Duncan. This was the crown jewel, and a valuable lesson to those who want to screw with the integrity of NBA basketball.

Wait, nah, this is about making fun of the Celtics and celebrated fan, the Sports Dork Bill Simpson. The Celtics are doomed once again, proving that God’s love is indeed wonderful. If for nothing else, but that idiot Cellbitch fan spent all of that money on a Oden jersey which he can hang in his closet next to that Len Bias jersey.

Durant, Oden Seek Life Insurance

The NBA should fix today’s NBA draft lottery for the LA Clippers, much like the league fixed the draft for the Spurs during the Tim Duncan draft. Celtics fans have long complained that the NBA is out to get the Celtics and purposely weighted the ping-pong balls, not necessarily to benefit the Spurs, but to keep him out of Boston. And that decision is probably the reason Duncan is alive today, seeing how the Celtics have a way of killing their top draft picks.

Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are likely suffering from anxiety today, fearing that the Celtics end up with the top pick. Pay up on those life insurance policies, boys. Though those premiums are probably more likely to do-in Oden seeing that he is, what, 45 years old.

The NBA should do the right thing here and give the Clippers the top pick in the draft. Though they would probably blow the pick by picking that 8-foot Chinese guy.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Peyton Still Mr. Chuckles

Peyton Manning was pissed when three veteran players didn't want to show up for a voluntary mini-camp over the weekend. From Peter King's column (before the pontification about the Red Sox, girls softball and coffee):

I think this is the sign that Peyton Manning is not satisfied with winning one Super Bowl, courtesy of Tony Dungy: When he reported to the offseason program, Manning was told that three veterans had not reported to the voluntary workouts and did not plan to report. "Give me their phone numbers,'' Manning said, and he called them, and he got at least two of them to come in for some of the workouts. "He hasn't changed a bit,'' Dungy told me. "His love of the game is so great to see.''

Dungy's probably just happy that Peyton's work ethic keeps him away from Kenny Chesney concerts. But maybe Peyton should have leaned on his coach, who ducked out of Sunday's practice to attend his daughter's graduation. Graduation or a cruise with Herman Edwards, basically the same thing.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

The Post Mortem

Let’s all take a moment to pour one out for Barbaro. Our boy, Zach LS still is having trouble with the news. The NHL might not be the most popular sport in the world, but how can you knock an overtime playoff game for horse racing? That was actually the worst decision the network could have made. The Preakness gets higher ratings for hockey, that is for sure. But 60 Minutes gets higher ratings than NFL games, so would you be in favor of CBS dropping an overtime NFL game for the news program?

Thankfully viewers in Southern California were able to watch Anaheim's stunning comeback over Detroit. The Ducks and the Wings seem to have a little bit of a spirited rivalry brewing, in the eyes of a novice. Which is funny when you consider that the Wings are the premiere team in NHL history and the Ducks, even though they dropped the Mighty, are named after a Disney movie. But once again, it stands repeating that playoff NHL hockey is much more entertaining than the Western Conference Finals. And there is probably less mugging in the Ducks series. Seriously, there will come a day when the NBA fades into oblivion and has its playoffs interrupted by a dog show.


Angels Stadium was relatively incident free this weekend, much to the chagrin of some out-of-town guests who were looking for a little action. But the subdued Dodgers faithful were thanks in no small part to the Angels absolute beat-down of the Angelinos. (The one’s that actually play in Los Angeles.) Although beat-down might be an overstatement, considering the amount of seeing-eye singles and the Dodgers lack of fundamentals led to a lot of Angels runs. Derek Lowe must now know how let down his wife felt when he was shacking up with Carolyn Hughes after the Dodgers defense wasted a complete game from Lowe.

The sweep should not put the Angels offensive deficiencies under the rug, either, as a quality third baseman would still go a long way for this year. (Now rumors are swirling about the Dodgers acquiring Troy Glaus, adding further insult to injury.) Of course, the Angels will wait to see what Howie Kendrick can add to the mix for this team.

  • When did NHL home teams start wearing dark uniforms at home?
  • Maybe you don’t want to pitch to David Wright anymore, Yankees. And hey Tigers, yeah, it’s a little too late to beat the Cardinals now, but congratulations on the sweep.
  • The Yankees have considered voiding Jason Giambi's mega contract because of his recent omission. The league office is considering a suspension. Can you really blame Barry Bonds for not telling the truth?
  • Plaxico Burress walked out on a $2,000 bar tab because the women weren’t paying attention to him. If that's the case, Eli Messiah has never paid a bar tab.
  • Which movie was superior, Armageddon or Deep Impact? Not that anybody would mind if Mary McCormick or Jessica Steen traveled 900 miles in soiled Depends to see you. Of course, the correct answer is Independence Day. (Sounds like something for Blog Cabins to decide.


Count Jeff Kent among those who hate interleague play. "It's not the way I grew up playing the game. I just wish it would be a little more old-school and it's not. It's too bad that we're chasing the dollar around instead of chasing the integrity of the game."

Where was the integrity of the game when Kent lied to his team when he told him that he injured himself washing his truck instead of the truth, which was Kent was riding a dirt bike? O.K., cheap shot.

Kent has played for six Major League teams, often leaving to play for the highest bidder. An old school Giants player would rarely play for the Dodgers, but Kent is doing it, in his pursuit for the almighty dollar. Old school baseball showed that players rarely switched teams and hardly switched leagues, something that doesn’t happen today. Not that the players shouldn’t get their slice of the pie. But don't cry about the integrity of the game when you are a part of the problem.

Friday, May 18, 2007

The Weak Ender

Kate Mara might be the hottest woman in the world. Now, you might think THN has finally lost its mind, but keep in mind that this broad is an heiress to the New York Giants. Not only could you possibly trade Eli Messiah, but you could be just one swimming incident from moving the team to Los Angeles or Las Vegas.

Mara was a member of Maxim’s Top 100, which has received a lot of flack recently for listing Lindsay Lohan as it’s No. 1 girl. And really, who could vote against a girl that likes to (reportedly) strip down to her G-string and do lines of coke after a night of clubbing? The funny thing is that blogs and radio personalities have panned the decision, which is probably the reason why Maxim chose her No. 1 in the first place. Nobody would have even mentioned the list if Jessica Alba was the top selection.


Leave it to a near-do-well friend from out of town forcing yours truly to go to one of the Angels v. Dodgers games this weekend at Angels Stadium. Going to Dodger Stadium is not an option. But even Angels Stadium can be a little hostile. You don't want to use blanket statements about an entire group of fans, but a lot of misplaced Raiders fans have traded in their silver-and-black to bleed Dodgers blue and are looking for a little blood come game day. This could be a fun rivalry, but some Dodgers fans have taken it a little too far. As Stitch Jones said after reaching for one of Gunny Highway’s beer, “I just wanted a beer but the (expletive) ain't worth dying over.”

  • Playoff hockey still rules after watching the Ducks the past couple of nights. The networks seemed to have basketball and hockey confused. The NBA should be the one playing its game on the Oxygen Network, or whatever. The Ducks were able to win a crucial game despite having one of its top players suspended. The Suns wilted under the heat like a frozen margarita at the Tropicana pool.
  • Was that Hugh Jackman in the crowd during the movie, Youngblood? Could have sworn that was him. And nothing will get you in the mood for a hockey game faster than this Rob Lowe vehicle.
  • Kyle Farnsworth has publicly taken issue with Roger Clemens’ lucrative deal, leading many baseball fans to say, “Who the hell is Kyle Farnsworth?”
  • Lil’ Hater’s Friday Take: The must-have jersey this fall will be a Seung-Hui Cho Virginia Tech jersey with the No. 32.
  • Send your comments to Lil’ Hater, C/O Hell,


No idea what Doug is talking about here, but he used a picture from Cannonball Run and that's enough to get you listed in the Links.

Fletch has your summer movie preview. No mention of Ocean's 13 which is going to rule.

Happy Birthday to Awful Announcing. Hopefully you enjoyed the roast.

Brock Lesner is going to UFC. How dare anybody say that the UFC isn't on the up-and-up.

The Sports Hernia is at it again.

A McLean Stevenson post. This time he muses on Shaq.


When people wonder why guys like Jason Giambi seemingly gets a free pass, it’s because he actually has the balls to admit that he used steroids. But turns out Barry Bonds is going to pen a book called, “If I Took Them,” where ponders how life would be like if he actually took steroids.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Now This Is A Hit

This is a real hit, not that little nudge that forced Steve Nash to make like Rey Mysterio Jr.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

It’s Raining Men

Michael Strahan has found a clever way to date two men at the same time. He set up his own date auction and was upset when two dudes bid won a date with him. From the New York Post.

GIANTS defensive end Michael Strahan put himself on the charity auction block the other night at Buddha Bar's first anniversary. He hoped to get a date with a lady, but the male sports fans in the crowd weren't having it. Two guys outbid 13 gals, leaving Strahan to agree to take both men to dinner for the price of $10,000 each.

Yes, he hoped to get a date with a lady because it is just way too hard for a football player worth millions to find a date with a woman. At least this is more creative than paying some Hollywood starlet to have your baby.

Hat Tip: With Lethur

Suspend Nash

Read an interesting point today in that Steve Nash would make an ideal member of the Colorado Divalanche the way he flops around on the floor. Having never seen the video of the so-called cheap shot by the Fresh Prince of Inglewood until today, here it is.

Did Horry even touch the guy? You can't really tell the way Nash just kind of flops around there. And to be honest, that flop was barely at a WWF level as Nash just kind of lunged into Horry and fell down trying to draw a flagrant foul. Once again, as mentioned in this space previously, there have been three incidents in this series, and the common denominator is Nash. From the gash on his nose, the ball-butt on Bruce Bowen's knee and now this flop. Nash is just some Canadian punk who is using all of this b.s. soccer techniques to try to draw fouls.

The Suns should feel fortunate that Nash is still allowed to play in this series after all of that cheap stuff.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Packers Hate Favre

That is the only logical conclusion after hearing that the Packers have an interest in Keyshawn Johnson. Actually, that wouldn't be a horrible move, all things considering. Johnson is probably a better option than Randy Moss at this point in their careers. Keyshawn is an a-hole, but the dude had a solid 2006 season and he didn't quit on his team. Maybe the most impressive thing about Johnson is his ability to block. That is something Moss has never really shown an appetite for.

There were some early reports that Keyshawn denied the Packers, but you can never say never in this league. If the Packers really want to keep Favre happy, they would make this move.

And all of this means a new Last and Ten.

Monday, May 14, 2007

More Suspensions Coming

Roger Goodell has ruled the NFL with an iron fist during his opening months as NFL commissioner, recently handing down suspensions the way PacMan Jones tosses dollar bills at a strip club. And there are more suspensions to come. But there is one person who has escaped Goodell’s wrath, but probably deserves to be suspended more than anybody for damaging the image of the league.

That man is Tony Dungy.

Dungy deserves a lengthy suspension for his thoughts on discrimination, mainly against homosexuals who are denied basic human rights. Funny, people wonder if a gay athlete could ever come out of the closet during his playing career. But it's not so much the players, but coaches such as Dungy who make that scenario unlikely.

Players such as Jones, Mike Vick and Tank Johnson have fed the NFL’s renegade image, it's the actions of Dungy that are much more damaging. The players might possibly be good guys who have made poor choices, but Dungy has made a conscious decision to segregate homosexuals. What's worse is that Dungy believes that he is a good guy.

"We're not anti- anything else. We're not trying to downgrade anyone else. But we're trying to promote the family -- family values the Lord's way," Dungy said in March.

You mean Esera Tuaolo doesn’t deserve to raise his family and his children because Dungy doesn’t believe in homosexuality? Forget all of the trouble with drunk driving, speeding and guns, this seems much more disgusting. And if Goodell really wants to clean up the image of the league he will suspend Dungy.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Post Mortem

Obviously Alex Rodriguez got a little carried away during "pink bat" day on Sunday.


Brett Favre wanted to be traded from Green Bay Packers and somehow this has people in disbelief. Like they can't believe that a player like Favre would ever end his career in any place other than Green Bay.

Like Johnny Unitas finished his career in San Diego.

Like Joe Namath finished his career with the Los Angeles Rams.

Like Joe Montana finished his career leading the Kansas City Chiefs to the playoffs.

Notice a trend here? Favre ending his career in, say, a Dolphins uniform would probably be more fitting considering how other Hall of Fame quarterbacks have gone out. Besides, there will always be us group of fans that will always see Favre as a member of the Atlanta Falcons anyway.

  • Great point by one of the guys over at the Sports Frog, but does Favre only make huge announcements at his charity golf tournament each year?
  • Can't wait for the Peter King article this morning where he chronicles how he was talking to Favre the other night, blah, blah, blah. Does anybody else waste their resources more by trying to prove to everybody how dialed in he is? He name drops like some loser whose career has taken such a turn for the worse that the only work he could get is writing for restaurant industry newsletters.
  • How foolish do those who doubted the Gary Matthews Jr. signing feel right now? Alright, it does feel kind of silly. My bad. Matthews has been huge for the Angels. Stick with whatever you are taking right now Gary, as it is obviously working. Will this deal still make sense in a couple of years when Matthews nears 40 years old? Who cares. The Angels need to win now.
  • The umpire who tossed Hector Carrasco on Sunday really made a mistake. Sure, Carrasco hit Ian Kinsler in the head after Matthews was nailed after homering twice, but it was a bloody offspeed pitch. But you know what, it was nice to see a Rangers guy get hit in the head after all of the Angels players who have been plunked by those head-hunters. Look for Vlade or Matthews to get the dose today.
  • Phil Mickelson probably needs to stare down Tiger head-to-head before people will fully buy into his new swing. As a golf fan, that would be awesome to see. But not as awesome as it was to watch Sean O’Hair make like a weekend hacker on No. 17 at Sawgrass. Of course, most of us do that at No. 7 at Meadowlark Golf Course, but sometimes it can be reassuring to know that the pros can go through the same thing that we do.
  • Took to the time to seek out the Ducks and Red Wings game on Sunday, even though it was nearly impossible to find. Let this be a lesson to all of those MMA fans who keep hyping “human cockfighting” as the next big thing. There was as time when you couldn’t throw a wrench without hitting a hockey rink, be it ice or roller. Now those things are as hard to find as Britney Spears fans.
  • Terrell Owens actually showed up for a voluntary mini-camp this weekend. While the blogging community seeks a self-fish excuse for T.O.'s actions, maybe they should remember that this dude was the guy who played in the Super Bowl with a broken leg. Unlike the guy the Patriots just acquired, Owens does want to win.
  • Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell denounced the Eagles drafting of quarterback Kevin Kolb, saying that the club will "rue the day they passed on Dwayne Jarrett." That's a smart man right there. A THN fan, for sure. People believe that politicians should probably keep their sports opinions to themselves. Kind of like the way Tony Dungy should keep his political statements to himself.
  • Bruce Bowen is not a dirty player. As you can see in the video here, Steve Nash just needs to back up a little bit. Nash is the common denominator in a busted nose and now a knee to the groin, so maybe he deserves the blame.
  • Couldn't get into the Warrior/Jazz game on Sunday because those new Jazz uniforms are too disconcerting. When did they make that change? And when did Jazz guards start wearing shorts so big?


The Donald Trump/Mark Cuban feud has to be the nerdiest feud in the history or sports. At the very least it has the worst hair. (Especially since his feud with Vince McMahon losing his.)

And who even knew that they were at odds?

Nobody is quite sure what this current spat is about, other than Cuban thinks Trump is poor and the Donald has questioned Cuban’s ownership style. Trump really has no room to question Cuban’s ownership skills, seeing that Trump was the guy who overpaid for Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie for his USFL team, the New Jersey Generals who failed to win a championship. Jim Mora of all people actually won two USFL titles.

And why are people so annoyed by Cuban? At least he really cares if his team wins. Cuban should be the model Would you rather he act like the owner of the Royals or Pirates whose seasons are over by mid-April? Although, his teams probably would use pink bats all year.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Weekend Malaise with Ted

Don't worry folks, Liberace will be back next week, so we have Ted pinch hitting today with the Weekend Malaise. Once again, thanks to A Price Above Bip Roberts for pinch hitting here.

So you thought your week was bad, Ted has found some people whose lives are worse than yours. So while you are spending your weekend shuffling from Costco to cleaning out the attic, at least you know your lives aren't this bad.

Dallas Sports Fans
Pop quiz, hot shot: if you're QB of the Dallas Cowboys, and you go through a stretch of the season where Jessica Simpson is showing up to see you play, what DO you DO? Answer: nail her in as many positions as Texas law theoretically allows. Apparently, if you're Tony Romo, the answer is: put that on the back burner, and start canoodling with Carrie Underwood, mere months after you became only one of a handful of Dallas sports figures to crush your city's heart with one move (in your case, you couldn't hold onto a ball in a crucial situation). You got off the hook a little bit when the Stars lost first round, Dirk suddenly became Dirkina, and the Rangers - well, when the Rangers season began.

Tracy McGrady
We're big fans of those in-game statistics that track "the swing" of events - for example, if a team misses a three ball, and the rebound is passed up the court for a wide open three, that's a "swing" of six points. Your swing, T-Mac, is abysmal. You could have swung from "never won a first round series" to "appearing in the Conference Finals," ala another HS-to-NBA prodigy, Da Kid, back in 2004. Your path was clear, because even though Yao is slow, we think you guys would have had a shot against the Warriors - and the Warriors had already punched their Conference Semi ticket when you got run off the court last Saturday night. So, your swing coulda been from "irrelevant little hack" to "on the verge of the Finals," but instead you're right back at the hack status. Sigh.

Zack Greinke
We won't badmouth Greinke too much, because he legitimately had social anxiety disorder last year. Facts are facts, though: in 2002, Baseball America called this kid "the future of pitching," essentially proving that if you use the word "future" in relation to someone on the Royals, the word "no" better be somewhere in that sentence too. Greinke, who led the AL in losses two years ago with 17, has now been moved to the bullpen.

Manny Acta
We love you, Manny, but we'll be honest: maybe you shoulda waited just one more year to take a manager job. Jumping at this Nationals thing is cool and all, but there's a good chance you'll reach 30 losses before you reach 10 wins, and that's not - uh, how you say? -a good thing. By August, you might be running the winner of the White House Easter Egg Hunt, that dog that Bush's father had, and Strom Thurmond as your 2-3-4 pitchers, with Joe Theismann immediately after his Lawrence Taylor Moment of Zen as your set-up man. The sad thing is, even though that joke wasn't funny in the least, we weren't kidding.

Joel Zumaya
First, you expose yourself as a total dork by getting hurt playing "Guitar Hero" (we'll admit, some cool people play that game, but usually only if they're trying to get laid that night). Then, because you grip your fastball too tightly, you're out for 12 weeks. In the meantime, the Tigers are on an eight-game tear, essentially proving that your 103 MPH gas is superfluous to everything the team has the potential to accomplish. Use this time wisely, Joel: learn the chords to "Patience," and then get some out there on that clump of dirt.

Scott Skiles
This was it, right here. Your year. You were about to come more than "the guy with the most assists in one game." You were about to come an Eastern Conference winning coach. Yea, dogg! You ran the defending World Champions off the court in embarassing, almost "new-king-is-getting-coronated" fashion. Here come the Bulls! Then, uh, you ran into a team that was the defending champions none too long ago, and they've essentially made you look worse than the Heat did in some respects. You go, boy... go right the heck home.

Barry Bonds
When Bonds got 661 to pass his godfather, or when he homered in his first game back after his dad's death, do you think he possibly could have realized that his (supposed) actions would eventually lead him to this? He's on the verge of a record that represents everything America is fascinated with: power, excess, and the long ball itself - and all anyone wants to do is hate on him.

Chris Drury
What's this, you say? Drury's having a great week. He tied the game last Friday night against the Rangers with 7 seconds left in regulation; the Sabres went on to win in OT, then close out the series Sunday afternoon. No, he's not on this list because of looking back; he's on because of looking forward (we do both here, see?). Drury is about to enter a series against the Senators, a team that hates the Sabres perhaps more than Donald hates Rosie, and also knows full well that Drury is their emotional leader. Do you remember when the Red Wings and Avs were huge rivals, and Claude Lemieux absolutely destroyed Kris Draper in one of their pivotal playoff games? (I think it was 1997, but I might be wrong). Drury is going to get mercilessly head-hunted during this series. He better watch his back, neck, and other assorted parts.

Donovan McNabb
Not only are you almost unquestionably now the NFL athlete with the biggest monkey on his back - after Peyton won it all - but your team goes and drafts Kevin Kolb, apparently without even telling you. You claimed to be "shocked" on a Philly radio station on Tuesday.

Billy Beane's Nurturing Soul
This isn't necessarily specific to this week, but consider some of Beane's main mentees since his baseball-philosophy-changing crusade in Oakland began: Paul DePodesta is unemployed, and the Dodgers are doing just fine, thank you very much with Ned Colletti; J.P. Riccardi, who seems to have abandoned "Moneyball" altogether, has a team bringing up the rear of the AL East during the 15th anniversary season of their first World Series; and all the scouts Beane left in his wake are probably slowly dying of cigar fume intake (you know, we'd guess).

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Weak Ender

The Internets are abuzz this week with news that Amanda Beard is going to be posing for Playboy. And the only word that really comes to mind here is over-compensation. Beard has long tried to shed the image of sun-soaked teenager carrying a teddy bear to the Olympics into an international sex symbol. Posing for cheesy rags such as FHM did not have the desired effect so now she must divulge the full-monty in Playboy. The winners in this case are those who enjoy this type of voyeurism.

Now where does Beard rank among athletes that have bared all for Playboy, including Gabby Reese, Amy Acuff and Kelly Monaco. (Hey, dancing is a sport.) Beard has always been kind of cute especially, as Zach LS notes, when the airbrush is in heavy use. But she looks a little long in the mouth, almost John-Elway like making it seem she might be better suited for the WNBA.

If you would like to weigh in, the Big Picture is having its latest poll.


Ricky Williams has failed yet another drug test, ruining any chance he had to come back to the NFL. You really have to admire his determination and admiration for the chronic. Sure it has likely cost him millions of dollars, but you have to be impressed with the commitment. The only question is, why is Williams still subjected to drug tests? He was out of the league last year. There is no way the NFL can enforce its drug policy when the dude isn’t even in the league.

But is Williams a bigger dope than say, PacMan Jones who went to a strip club on the eve of a hearing in which he was being reprimanded for attending a strip club? Wow. It’s not hard to imagine why these guys make such bad decisions. Not that attending adult establishments are illegal, but damn, use just a little common sense. If a little light didn’t go off in Jones’ head saying, “This might be a bad idea,” there really is no hope for him.

  • Speaking of dopes, the Falcons are going to get “stern” with Mike Vick. Quick question, is there anybody left out there who thinks that the LT for Vick trade was a bad idea for the Chargers? There were a sprinkling of holdouts even as late as last season, but those have to be gone by now.

  • So much for the Golden State Warriors. The first round upset was nice, but it really sets up some bad basketball.

  • Derek Fisher is on the Jazz? Excuse the ignorance on NBA finance and the salary cap, but why did the Lakers let this guy go?


Blog Cabins has one of the most important posts you will ever read. A look at the Cannonball Run.

Steroid Nation notes that baseball players still pop greenies.

Seventeen games for the NFL?


The Angels showed some power on Thursday afternoon, even as Jose Molina stole home. The Angels actually won with the long ball on Wednesday night with home runs from Gary Matthews Jr. and Kendry Morales. But something still needs to be done about the third base position, where Chone Figgins clearly isn’t cutting it. The San Diego Padres will be in the market for a third baseman this summer, too, and one of the names that already is surfacing is Troy Glaus. Would the Angels be able to swallow their pride and make a deal to bring back Glaus? Probably not.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tony Parker Rejected

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are abstaining from sex prior to the couple's July nuptials. Funny, most couples abstain from sex following marriage.

But those Hollywood types just have to do it differently. Like Tom Cruise, who has sex with a turkey baster.

The link above notes that Longoria was seen paling around with Jessica Simpson. The two were probably getting pretty chummy back in Simpson's dressing room. And then Eva's hair fell in front of her eyes. Jessica slightly stroked Eva's hair, looking longingly into her eyes.

Oh sorry Tony, did you not want to hear this? Nevermind.

But keep in mind that Eva also was hanging around with Mario Lopez. Yeah, that's the kind of thing you want to think about prior to getting married and your future bride is holding out, because we all know that Lopez takes wedding vowels pretty seriously.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Don't Mess With Mr. Booze

Some Major League baseball teams have responded in its typical knee-jerk reaction to Josh Hancock's irresponsibility by banning beers from the clubhouse. The Angels will not be one of those teams. And if you have ever witnessed the drinking prowess of owner Arte Moreno, that isn’t much of a surprise.

The Angels should be applauded for their stance on individual responsibility. Maybe if the Cardinals really want to make a stand against the abuse of alcohol, the club can remove the Busch name from the stadium, or maybe no longer sell the product. Or maybe once, a team will suspend a manager who passes out drunk in an intersection. Or maybe a football ball team based in St. Louis will stop employing a player who not only killed a mother from drunk driving, but got popped again a few years later. Banning alcohol is an empty gesture because as long as booze continues to contribute to the bottom line, the teams will not make a change.

At least the Angels aren't playing into the charade.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Shut Up Schilling

Some people are trying to hate Barry Bonds, and you are not helping. Curt Schilling is probably the only guy in the world who can make Bonds likable by comparison.

Don't make us choose, Curt.

Schilling lambasted Bonds for cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes and cheating on the game of baseball. So says the guy who is as sanctimonious as Mark Foley. Schilling's accusations are pretty ironic, considering how he recently flipped out when somebody suggested that he might have doctored that bloody sock in the 2004 ALCS. The only enjoyable part is the people who speak out the most, often have the most to hide. Period.

If Schilling wants to ostracize a player, who about taking aim at his own teammate, David Ortiz, who sad that he might have taken steroids?

Photo stolen from Boston Dirt Dogs.

MMA v. Boxing

The world of mixed martial arts and boxing collided when Oscar De La Hoya admitted that he sparred with renowned mixed martial artist, A.C. Slater.

You can see here that the Golden Boy wanted to box, but Slater couldn't wait to take it to the ground.

Thanks to The Feed for the video.

Monday, May 07, 2007

The Post Mortem

Memo to HBO: Maybe it’s time to update your exterior shot of Las Vegas, considering that you could see the Stardust lit up in all of its glory. You know, the hotel that was imploded back in March. Actually, if you looked closely enough at the exterior shots HBO was using, you could see the Sands and the Dunes. What would have happened if this fight had taken place in New York? Just asking.

The fight itself was pretty entertaining, though the decision was a bit of a let down. Oscar was correct, to be the champion, you really have to come out and take the fight to the guy. Boxing is not like baseball or football where you can unseat a defending champion by a run or a point. Boxing requires its challengers to come out and take over the fight. Floyd Mayweather never did that. Instead he counter-punched his way to a championship. So the ending was pretty week.

But what was with Jim Lampley comment at the end of the fight? Why even give any legitimacy to the UFC nonsense by even mentioning it? But Lamps had a similar reaction when professional wrestling had its surge around the mid 1990s. Still, the UFC is trying to get Mayweather to fight one of its champions which is so ridiculously stupid, because there isn’t an UFC guy who could match up Mayweather in a boxing match. None. And if they want it as a UFC style match, they are just kidding themselves. Why would a seasoned professional risk his livelihood on some bare knuckles brawl that is better suited for the sanctuary of a trailer park instead of the squared circle? That would be akin to some archer challenging Mayweather to a duel with bows and arrows. Holy Hell, the UFC really is the WWF.


Speaking of professional wrestling theatrics, the Yankees introduction of Roger Clemens only lacked themed music and hair match between Johnny Damon and Jason Giambi. While this will be a nice gesture for the Yankees, they still aren’t going to make the playoffs. Unless Clemens has found a way to clone himself. And with all of the steroids that he has pumped into his body, that might not be far off. Clemens is going to get $28M for the year, and that is called “F-You” money. Because Clemens can give a big “F-You” to all of the fans and Major League Baseball in general by sitting out spring training and the first month of the season.

The question is, why would the Yankees give all of this money for a mercenary when they probably could have just paid a little bit more for Dice K? You know, a guy that is a lot younger and actually plays an entire season.

  • What kind of videos do you think Paris Hilton can make in jail?

  • The New England Patriots are 2-1 favorites to win the Super Bowl this year. The Chargers are 6-1. Vegas knows that Norv Turner is the Chargers coach, right?
  • A recent race-baiting poll by ESPN shows that African-Americans are rooting for Barry Bonds to break the home run record. This isn’t so much a black-white thing as it is Bonds just being an a-hole. And this should be kind of an insult to Hank Aaron who legitimately battled race when he broke Babe Ruth’s record.
  • Warren Sapp has dropped 50 pounds coming into the upcoming season. At least now he won’t literally be the biggest a-hole in the NFL.
  • Did that one feel forced?


Everybody (including Dr. Doug who doesn’t know how to read an evite) knows that you don’t bring K-Rod into a tie game. Everybody except for Mike Scioscia .Why he always insists on doing that is anybody’s guess, but the bullpen faltered again. Giving up a couple of key runs to a team that is actually worse offensively than the Angels. To make matters worse, it was A.J. Pierzynski who had a two-run home run to tie the game, and eventually win it with a bloop single. Pierzynski, of course, is the guy who might be able to surpass Bonds for most hated in Major League Baseball. Well, maybe if he was a little bit better. Which he was on Sunday.

BTW, Troy Glaus hit his fourth home run in six days on Sunday.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Somebody Loved Stockton's Shorts

He's back, once again on loan from A Price Above Bip Roberts, this time with a look at a guy on the Utah Jazz that may or may not be gay. Fitting. Utah is likely home to a few repressed fundamentalists who are dying to come out of the closet, but instead channel their energy into truck driving and "hunting little Mexican girls."

And if you don't get the Karl Malone reference by now, you never will. But here is our man (and he's all man), Liberace with his weekly look at the world of sports.

Oh, Andrei, you silly boy, you. Your "wife" made national news last year when she said you could indulge with one groupie per year on the road with the Jazz. I got news for everyone out there: the groupie in question? Probably male.

See, Andrei is a fine physical specimen, but not necessarily on the b-ball hardwood. He has soft, gentle skin; a frame that at once says "could play professional sports" but also "wouldn't judge those who don't, and may even like them more as people;" and in his interviews, he comes across as dim-witted enough to be convinced of almost anything, yet cute enough to get away with murder.

Frankly, that's just how I've always liked them.

If you want to go with the trite assumption that a homsexual male can't hold his own in an intense NBA playoff series between two 50-win teams, well, AK-47 keeps proving my point. The Jazz have held their own - the series is 3-3 before Saturday night's Game 7 - but Andrei - oh, sweet, sweet prince - really only showed up for Game 6. Before that, his game mirrored his personal life: hiding behind another (in this case, the brutish Mr. Boozer), unsure of his urges and place in the world. Should he want to slap Mr. McGrady in the face because of the quality of opposition, or grab T-Mac's grill and smooch it, because of the quality of upkeep? He didn't know; he still doesn't, and as such, he's a scared little boy looking for his place in this cruel, unjust universe.

Much was made of Andrei's crying in the early part of this series, supposedly showcasing a weakness. Nay, you boorish animals! AK was simply displaying a fine sensitivity, which in turn placed him light years ahead of virtually every one of you beer-guzzling, Kobe-poster-hanging, YouTube LeBron-mix-making wanna bes, and his coach himself. Mr. Sloan seems like a perfectly fine gentleman on the surface, but when one of my own - John John, as I'm wanton to call him - decries him as "the absolute worst person I've ever met," I can only assume he isn't kind to my stock. That's probably why Andrei was crying. After a while, a man can only take so much. I've been down similar voyages throughout my existence.

As a final note, while some would deem it ironic that the most notable gay NBA'er of the past few decades is most commonly associated with a team out of Utah, and that another one - the Russian Rocket, in ways that Pavel Bure could only imagine in the tarnished, dog-eared romance novels of his youthful dreams - might be playing for them now, to you I say this: "surprise" is defined as "surprise" because you least expect it. No one jumps out of a cake at a birthday party - mine was Wayne Newton, by the by, and it was yummy - and screams "Expected!" They scream "Surprise!" because that's the whole point: it blindsides you. Kind of like the graceful limbs of Kirilenko, poetry in motion down the baseline, swooping in for that all-important block.

Friday, May 04, 2007

The Weak Ender

That didn’t take long. Alyssa Milano promised to be diligent with her “Touch ‘em All” blog and she’s already flaking. Yeah, hard to see that coming at all. But why is this news? This isn’t news, but rather an opportunity to show that our Charmed one has finally seen the light (or it’s just a bad photoshop job.) And it's still better than The Bish's blog over at the


Keyshawn Johnson was interested in joining the San Diego Chargers. Yeah, keep dreaming (expletive) head. The Chargers passed, and good thing, too. Seriously if you were going to pass on a new model like Dwayne Jarrett, then why would they want the old beat-up version that’s had like 20 owners? That’s all the Chargers need, a receiver demanding the ball when the team has all these offensive studs like LT and Gates.

The New England Patriots have sure acquired a lot of talent, what with Randy Moss and everything. But this team is starting to reek of the recent Lakers team that added Gary Payton and Karl Malone to its roster. So while some will be quick to anoint the Patriots as the Super Bowl favorite, that likely won’t be the case. Especially when people think that Bill Belichick can just wave his magic wand and make people believe that everybody is going to fall in line. Remember, this is the same organization that ran off Deion Branch and other players through its frugalness. And really, do you think Moss cares that much about winning?

  • The Angels actually went 4-3 during a seven-game road trip. It’s hard to put a happy face on losing two consecutive games in Kansas City. But at least the rest of the AL West sucks this year. And Seitz continues to be the most pessimistic Angels fan, ever.
  • College hoops is considering moving back the three-point line an additional foot for the men’s game, while leaving the women’s line at the 19-feet 9-inches. Yeah, wait until the Title IX attorneys get their hands on this. How dare you disrespect the women’s game like that?
  • One great draft story ignored here on THN was the Eagles selection of quarterback Kevin Kolb. Not only did the Eagles trade with the Cowboys, but the club burned its first pick on a quarterback. Especially since Donovan McNabb now becomes the leading choker in the NFL. Maybe the Eagles are starting to see things the Blonde's way after all.
  • Ducks mania. Can you feel it?

  • Zach LS has a tribute that is really in poor taste. This is just too soon, Zach.
  • Fletch's latest movie review. And next week, THN will be breaking down one of the all-time great movies at Blog Cabins.
  • You find a cool Simpsons YouTube, you will likely get linked. Well played Five Tool Tool.


The Oscar De La Hoya v. Floyd Mayweather Jr. is going to be an epic battle. Many people are calling it a last gasp for boxing before the UFC finally takes over. Whatever. The UFC’s rise in popularity is reminiscent of the rise of hockey out here in Southern California. There was a time when you couldn’t swing a Marty McSorley-curved stick without hitting a hockey facility. Now they are as hard to find as your typical frozen yogurt stand. The UFC is at best another one of those niche sports that will be popular with those who, how can you say this, not very bright. NASCAR and Raiders fans might always be a target audience, but don’t look for the UFC to ever go mainstream.

For starters, where are the marketable stars in the UFC? Most mixed martial artists have the personality of a lighter. They are as articulate as David Hasselhoff in a drunken stupor on the floor of his hotel room. And when you get down to it, UFC is boring. Unless you like two guys laying around in a submission hold for hours. There is a reason professional wrestling became scripted, because people want to be entertained. Boxing will make a comeback before the UFC ever goes mainstream.