Friday, February 16, 2007

The Weak Ender

There is something about Beyonce on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition that falls flat. The cover has always been for unknowns such as Christie Brinkley, Paulina Porizkova, Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks. Not that they weren't famous as supermodels, but they weren't over exposed. The only time, other than SI, you could catch a glimpse of them was during a cameo in Vacation or a Cars video.

Beyonce is a movie star, recording star and no different from the girls who appear on the cover of Maxim or Stuff. Not that she isn't beautiful, but typically, you can count on Sports Illustrated to showcase the next Cindy Crawford or Stephanie Seymour (both who were never on the cover), not movie stars.

But you know who isn't complaining? Tim Hardaway. Because he is like, totally manly. He hates queers and loves the SI swimsuit edition because he is so hetero.

Actually, many are speculating that Hardaway is gay and that he now has to prove that he is straight. In fact, Hardaway is now trying to claim that he is the father of Anna Nicole's baby in order to prove that he likes chicks. True story.


Tiki Barber was forced into retirement by coach Tom Coughlin because he was a little too tough. From the New York Post:

"Coach Coughlin is very hard-nosed, and I didn't get a lot of time off, couldn't sit down and rest myself, and so it was a constant grind - a physical grind on me that started to take its toll," said Barber. "The grind took its toll on me and really forced me to start thinking about what I wanted to do next. And that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing, for me at least. Maybe not for the Giants, because they lose one of their great players, but for me, it is."

As the reader (name protected because he has a real job) who sent this story in noted:

He forgot to mention that he was a worthless fumbler and Tom Coughlin turned him into a 1,500 yard back. Well, Tom and HGH.

  • The best part of the SI swimsuit issue? The mail the following week by outraged mothers who are indignant because the magazine is peddling soft-core porn. Where is the sports in bikinis? Think of the children! (They still get those letters, right?)
  • The Sports Dork Bill Simons is going to Las Vegas for all-star weekend. These columns will be truly horrific, yet you will be compelled to read them. The Sports Dork is about as much of a Vegas insider than Tim Hardaway is a lady's man. Anybody else notice that he no longer allows comments on his columns? The Magic Hour lasted longer than his comments section. It is funny how people can dish it out, but can't seem to take some ribbing on their own.
  • Rex Ryan appears to be the top candidate for the Chargers job right now. The only negative for Ryan is that a.) his brother works for the Raiders and 2.) Peter King endorses him. But how funny would it be if Rex is hired and he brings his brother in to be defensive coordinator? (If that would even be possible.)
  • Still waiting to see a college football playoff? Our man over at One More Dying Quail has done just that. How can you not love a site that is named after a line in a Kevin Costner movie?


A couple of people emailed to ask what was meant by the Hardaway joke that "He is so homophobic, he broke up with his boyfriend when he found out he was gay." That, as mentioned, was inspired by a Dave Chappelle bit, and instead of explaining it, you can just watch it here. The ending will make it clear.

Dave Chappelle - The Black White Supremacist - video powered by Metacafe


Anonymous said...

Admit it, you wanted Cowgirl on the cover of the SI swimsuit issue

Fletch said...

Though I agree with your swimsuit edition thoughts, SI sold that idea down the river long ago. They've had "all-star supermodels" a lot lately, and Tyra Banks was well known by the time she graced the cover.

Beyonce's only real problem I see is that she's a little too, shall we say, not well-endowed.

Diane said...

Beyonce and her dad are working hard to try to make everyone forget she has been left in Jennifer Hudson's dust on Dreamgirls

Rex Ryan is Bob Ryan's brother? Which Ryan brother has better hair?

Anonymous said...

Every model in the issue is better looking than her too.

I would have liked me some 19yr old Brooklyn Decker on the cover, but if they wanted to stay with the theme of color, just put Jessica White on it, she's way hotter than Beyonce.

Blonde said...

THe SI cover has not been as popular as they thought it would be, so hopefully they will over-compensate next year with a super hot piece of ass.

What annoys me about the Hardaway comment, is that it is so hateful. Just becuase a guy is gay doesn't mean he wants every guy, for fucks sake. Trust me, no one wants Hardaway's gross ass anyway.

witty username said...

nice job, NFL ousider.

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Anonymous said...