Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Roast of Steve Bisheff

Greetings ladies, gentlemen and plastic bobble heads. I am Dean Martin and I am very happy to be here. Because I'm dead. Seriously, you thought Jack Entratter was a stingy bastard, you haven't worked in one of God's show rooms. And for being the creator of heaven and Earth, you think he could add a little heat in the showrooms. I know he's not very found of the devil, but turn up the thermostat or something. That's probably because he has his son running the books.

But enough about that. I am glad to be here, when they said that they wanted me to host a celebrity roast for Steve Bisheff, I immediately jumped out of my seat and said, "Who the hell is Steve Bisheff?" I then went back and read a bunch of his columns, but by that time it was a little too late to pull out of the gig. And hey, it is just nice to get out of Heaven for a change. God my rest on the Sabbath, but he has me booked for three shows in the great big Sands in the sky. It's enough for me to want to turn Jewish. I'm thinking about joining a temple because when they say "High holy days, they mean high holy days." By the way, did you know that President Lincoln was Jewish? Sure, he was shot in the temple. Oh stop it, what’s the matter with you? I'm just trying to have a little fun here, folks.

But get ready folks, we hope to have a good show for you today, as we celebrate the final column of Steve Bisheff in the Orange County Register. And please, sign the petition to enshrine Steve Bisheff's toupee.

Look for this post to be updated throughout the day, as we celebrate the greatness of Steve Bisheff. And now ladies and celebraties (sic), here is our first guest, Lil' Hater.

It’s the end of an era this week.

From Brea to Camp Pendleton, from Huntington Beach's polluted waves to the skanky-smelling air that begins at the border of that (expletive) Inland Empire, slacker workers across Bish County USA will no longer enjoy the soothing feeling that comes twice a week.

You know the drill.

Opening the Bish County Register (which you subscribed to only to make those (expletive) high-school door-to-door sales schleps stop hassling you), noting the lack of actual news on Page 1. Or anywhere in the paper, for that matter. Doing your best to ignore the pathetic attempts at an opinion page. Throwing away the crappy ad supplement. Laughing at the perpetually irrelevant Marketplace section. Finding the ever-shrinking sports section.

And there it stood, proud, well-coiffed, irrelevant: The Bish's column. And then, after a good 10-15 seconds of reading and contemplation, thinking:

(Expletive), this guy sucks monkey (expletive).

It's a tradition passed on from father to son. I'd cut and paste a John Wooden father-son anecdote here from a previous Bish column, but those (expletive) at the Reg have already deleted his online columns. Christ, guys, his body isn't even cold yet. Jerks.

Like I said, it's the end of an era. And we'll miss it.

Because while the Bish covered no new ground, and never brought any new ideas to the table, and seemed to have peaked in the mid 60’s, and had Marv Albert hair, at least he was consistent. He brought the goods. You knew his column would suck, and would be irrelevant, and not particularly timely, and might ultimately make you stupider for having read it, but hey, you still read it.

Because it made you feel better about yourself, to know he sucked more.

Who will step up and take the Mighty Bish’s place at the paper? Youngam? Christ, even NFL Adam's take on who should play Ohio State for the title was better than this dope’s take.

Kevin Ding? Marcia Smith? Some loser surfer named Corky? The dude that only writes in all capital letters on the comments page of this site?

Jesus. Some days I wish I were illiterate.

Thank you Lil' Hater. That was just wonderful. I had no idea that Courtney Love's vibrator could talk. Just trying to have a little fun here folks. We are going to have another guest for you here in a second. It seems that Jack Buck took a wrong turn getting here, posting in the comments section instead. Good God, he's stupid. One time, Jack Buck and I were waiting a stop sign. Jack was driving and he kept waiting and waiting and waiting, finally I said, Jack, what are you waiting for. And he said, the sign to change. I think he might have had a few too many. But we've all been there. One time a cop pulled me over and asked me to walk that white line. I told him I would not walk that white line unless you put a net under it.

Before I get started, just let me say that if I had any idea how much of a pompous (expletive) my son Joe was going to grow up to be, I would have pushed his mother down a flight of stairs when she was pregnant with him. I’m sure the Bish's dad is feeling me right now. It is like being that mother from the Omen. And just like Damien did to his mom, my son killed me. Well, people think I'm dead, but I just went into hiding because my son is such a (expletive). It is like the (expletive)-son protection program.

Just kidding, I’m really dead. In fact, I was laying on my death bed and I was thinking to myself, "Dear God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't you take my son, Joe? Really. Take him will ya? He's a piece of (expletive)."

I walk around heaven these days and people will ask me, “"ey, your son is famous. Who is your son again?” You know who I tell them?

Bin Laden.

Believe me, I'd get my (expletive) kicked if people knew that (expletive) was my (expletive) son.

It figures Joe would do a Holiday Inn ad, too. I guess he gets a discount because of the number of hookers he takes to the place. It’s true. And that lousy (expletive) couldn’t get a deal with Marriott or Hilton. Anybody? Was Howard Johnson already over its budget?

A lot of people like to talk about all of my great calls. The most famous being Kirk Gibson's homerun in the 1988 World Series. But when I exclaimed, "I don’t believe what I just saw," I was actually taking my first look at Steve Bisheff’s head. Good God, it looked like Bea Arthur had shaved her back and dumped it on his head.

Thank you. Wow, and you are right Jack, your son is an (expletive). Did anybody see the retrospective of the Bish's rug through the years. It seems like the Bish's rug is older than many of the high school kids that they are covering. And what inspired Steve Bisheff to grow a beard? I haven’t seen a beard that malnourished and that skinny since Katie Holmes went on a diet. Oh, I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun here, folks.

And now we have a real treat folks, please give a warm welcome for Diamond Dave Lee Roth.

The first time I saw that Rug in the paper I was like, "When the (expletive) did Kevin DuBrow get his own column, man?" Then my body guard Animal's like, "No, Diamond Dave, that's Paul Stanley," and I said, "No baby, it's that kid from the E.T. movie, but he's all grown up with new hair." WOW! WHOA! Whatever, man. The Bish would like you to think that he and Diamond Dave are a couple of real Hannikah Henchmen from back in the day. No sir-ee-bop. Bish did watch Van Halen back in the club days. I remember meeting him — when girls were throwing their bras on stage at the Pasadena Civic Center, I got hit with what I thought was a merkin. What I thought was a rock 'n roll first turned out to be just a wig from a failed music critic at the Herald Examiner. When I quit the booger sugar and my hair started to look like that of one of those albino twins in that Matrix movie, Diamond Dave still kept it real. And now look at me. I got my natural color back and a nice, neat bowl haircut. And after the radio station fired me, Eddie's on the phone again wanting a tour. Uh huh. Next time Bish puts that thing on his dome I want him to think about the Yankee Rose video, "Gimme a bottle of ROGAINE! And a glazed donut! TO GO!"

Sammy Hagar, ladies and gentlemen. What, that was not Sammy Hagar? Well maybe Diamond Dave should lay off the Michael Anthony diet plan. Start taking drugs again, Dave. Now that you have failed in all three mediums of music, television and radio what is there left to do? Maybe you and Michael Richards can tour together.

And speaking of merkins, that rug on the Steve Bisheff's head is so bad, even Bea Arthur wouldn't wear it for a merkin. Oh come on, I’m just trying to have a little fun here, folks.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a surprise guest for you right now. He's been out all night partying with Steve Bisheff, put your hands together for Danny DeVito.

What they hell are you guys looking at? Put down those lights, too damn it, it's late out. I'm hear to talk about my good friend Steve Bisheff. People always ask me if Steve Bisheff's hair is real. I said hey, it could have been worse, he could have hair like my wife Rhea Pearlman. You might be surprised to find out that the hair around her (expletive) is straight. True story. I figured the first time I got her naked I would hear "welcome to the jungle" and see Gene Schalit or Gabe Kaplan or something done there. But it was as straight as Clay Aiken.

Anyway, I do want to share one story about Bishy. We were guests of the White House one time and we cruised the beltway, picking up chicks, and took a couple of hookers back to the Lincoln bedroom and went to town. Bishy was drinking Tequila Rose like it was water. Bishy then pulled his rug off and attached it to his chin and started running around the White House telling people that he was Sigmund Freud. I just hope that it was Bishy who was with me. And those hookers were women. In any event, we shared that one thing that one time and I’ll never forget it. So good luck Bishy, you son of a (expletive). Ow, my head.

People think I like to drink. I don’t drink as much as people think I do. If I drank as much as people thought, I would be dead by now. Oh wait, bad example. But the great thing about heaven is that you can drink all you want. Even when I’m sleeping. In heaven, you can put booze in a humidifier, so when you wake up, you inhale and you have it made. Why I woke up this morning and hit the floor only once. Anyway, thank you Danny. You have now surpassed Tommy Lasorda as the world’s most annoying Italian. Tommy couldn’t be here today, but he did send a video message about The Bish. Tommy let's you know how he feels about The Bish. You can view it here. But let me warn you, we could not edit the profanity on this clip, so watch it at your own peril.

Hey, who knew this was a telethon? Who do you think I am, Jerry Lewis? Just kidding, he quit show business a long time ago.

But we have another performer. You might have known him from "All Dogs Go To Heaven," but I will always know him as Mel from Alice, say hello to Vic Tayback!

I had the chance to see Steve Bisheff’s first column. It is still hanging on the cave where it was painted on. He talked about how to appreciated the ice age, you had to be around for the Mesozoic era.

Little known fact, Steve Bisheff’s first column paid him in fire.

And his rug wasn’t an endangered species yet, either.

Steve Bisheff was given a standing ovation during the USC/Notre Dame game after it was announced that it was his last event he would cover for the Register. It wasn’t a show of respect. It’s the fact that nobody wanted to sit next to him. Not to say he didn’t have any personality, but it must have been like sitting next to Terry Schiavo with a dead ferret on her head.

What, too soon?

They said that The Bish’s career took off like a rocket. Yeah, if Christa McAuliffe was driving. Think about it. I guess that is what happens when you start taking career advice from Dennis Miller and Mel Gibson.

They say that Steve Bish was perfectly suited for Orange County. And he was. His style was as bland as the beige stucco on the endless tract homes that sprung up during his reign of error.

Godspeed Bish.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you had a wonderful day today. This was really special. I know some of the boys here tried to get Steve Bisheff to stop by today and speak to his fans, but it appears that the Bish does not condescend to talk to his millions of Bishoholics. Before I go, I’d also like to recognize some of the celebraties (sic) who are here tonight. Norman Fell, Henry Silva, Telly Savalas, and Dom DeLuise, please take a bow. And to all of our presenters, you did a fabulous job. Thank you very much.

Remember the words of Joe E. Lewis who said, you are not drunk if you can lay on the ground without holding on! Good night.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Great Commercial

You have to figure that most NFL players enjoy being immortalized on the Madden video games. Well, everybody except for the Colts Dallas Clark. As you have probably seen dozens of times on your typical NFL Sunday, Clark is the guy getting blown up by two Eagles defenders in the Madden commercials—much to the delight of the gamers.

Clark isn't so amused.

"I'm upset about it. It makes me look like a punk. Everyone is talking about my face and my grunting and the noises that I make. It sounds like I'm dying. I want to know why the people picked me. If they come and ask me, 'Hey, we’re going to make you look bad, is that OK?' but they didn’t ask me."

Actually Dallas, you would be surprised to find out that probably 90 percent of NFL watchers don't even know who you are. Which leads to another point and that is that the Madden people really missed a marketing coup. Yeah, if they were going to use anybody, why not somebody everybody would enjoy seeing lit up, like Terrell Owens, Keyshawn Johnson or Randy Moss? Heck, if you were going to opt for a member of the Colts, why not everybody’s favorite pitchman Peyton Manning? The one commercial Manning doesn’t do.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

More BCS Mess

Imagine if last year the NFL had reasoned that since Carolina had been so besieged with injuries, that they were going to face the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. The Panthers were without running back DeShaun Foster, and hey, they had to play the Seahawks on the road. It would only be fair to allow the Panthers another shot at the Seahawks on a neutral field right? Besides, the Steelers lost to the 6-10 Baltimore Ravens, so they didn't deserve to be in the Super Bowl.

You would all be in favor of this right?

Well, the people supporting Michigan for the BCS Championship Game probably would. The idea of Michigan getting a rematch with Ohio State is as lame as granting the loser of the AFC/NFC Championship Game another shot in the Super Bowl.

Michigan and Big 10 apologists feel that the Wolverines deserve another chance because a.) the game was close and 2.) Michigan had to play at Ohio State. First of all, if you felt that Ohio State was ever in danger of losing that game, watch it again. The Buckeyes were in control of that game throughout and Michigan's final touchdown only mattered to those who took the Wolverines and the points. As far as the home field thing goes, quit crying. It cycles in year after year. Besides, if you are going to grant Michigan a rematch, when is Wisconsin going to get its rematch? The Badgers played Michigan close, and you had better believe that if that game was at Camp Randal Stadium, things would have been different.

And Wisconsin did not lose to Ohio State, meaning they should be in line for a shot over Michigan. Right? Of course not. You know why? They lost to Michigan. Just like Michigan lost to Ohio State.

The bottom line is, if you don’t win your conference, you don’t deserve to play for the championship. Just like you can’t reach the Super Bowl without winning your conference, the same should apply to the BCS championship game. Sorry Michigan, you had your chance and you lost.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Mike Vick's "Bird" Form



It just seems a little too feminine. What, with the thumb out and everything. This seems more manly right here. What is the proper form to give somebody the finger?

Idiot Kicker Released

Mike Vanderjagt will be released by the Dallas Cowboys and replaced by, wait for it, Martin Gramatica. Great free agent signing, there. Not Gramatica, but all of the money Dallas threw at Vanderjagt in the offseason. That is going to set Jerry Jones back a couple of face lifts.

And really, how far has your career fallen when one of the Gramatica brothers is a more viable alternative? Maybe Vandy can make another David Letterman appearance.

The Post Mortem

Birth of a Dynasty

The Patriots rose to prominence on the wings of a "tuck rule," as they turned a controversial call against the Raiders into three Super Bowls. Could the Chargers do the same with Vincent Jackson's illegal forward pass? You really have to hand it to referee Mike Carey, whose strict interpretation of the rules was as baffling as it was rewarding to the Chargers. Like he went to the Greg Brady "exact words," card. A forward pass? Even Vince Young's throwing motion isn't that bad. And really, if you are going to be that literal with the rules, shouldn't Jackson have been flagged for intentional grounding?


While it was great to screw the Raiders, the call really let Jackson off the hook when he shouldn't have been. You would think that being around LaDainian Tomlinson day after day would give you a little humility, but you would be wrong in Jackson's case. LT is closing in on the all-time single-season scoring record, but he doesn't celebrate after touchdowns. And here’s Jackson, spiking the ball, err, illegally passing forward, after a 13-yard reception. Against the Raiders. Not only are you taunting after a first down, you are doing it against one of the worst teams in the league. Stay classy, Jackson.

BANDWAGON STOP

Look for the national media to jump off the Chargers bandwagon after that performance. But this was a perfect letdown game for the Chargers, who won tough come-from-behind games at Cincinnati and Denver. Playing down to the Raiders level was inevitable. Especially since the team had benched Marlon McCree, Luis Castillo and Keenan McCardell. It was like the Chargers just had another bye week. Which games against the Raiders generally are.

IT COULD BE WORSE, YOU COULD BE THE GIANTS

Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey, et al, have taken their shots at Giants coach Tom Coughlin this season. It was refreshing to see Coughlin throw the Messiah under the bus following the Giants 21-point meltdown against the Titans. The (expletive) Titans. Coughlin questioned Eli Messiah for his game-crippling interception deep inside Titans territory that set up the game-winning field goal.

Maybe it is time to question whether the Messiah is really Rick Mirer reborn.

Coughlin, of course, is not going to survive the season because nobody questions the Messiah and gets away with it. Look for Archie Manning to be installed as the Giants coach for 2007.

THE BCS MESS

USC moved into the No. 2 spot in the BCS, where they belonged. Michigan might be the second-best team in the country, and it is understandable that they would be pissed not to be in the championship game. Is Michigan better than USC? We don't know. But know what is certain? Michigan is not better than Ohio State. So somebody other than Michigan should get a shot at Ohio State.

Any hey, maybe Michigan will get that shot if USC is upset by UCLA. Try saying that with a straight face.

  • Before Raiders fans start, the tuck rule was interpreted correctly. Is the rule stupid? Absolutely. But the NFL told the 2001 playoff teams that the tuck rule was going to be enforced. Bad rule, correct call.

  • You knew the Raiders were going to find a way to lose the game. At least the bad call gives them something to complain about during the offseason. Yes Raiders fans, you were this close to beating a playoff team. Congratulations. Art Shell has restored the greatness of the Raiders.

  • Boise State had better win the Fiesta Bowl appearance or your college football expert is going to be might chagrined.

  • It looks like Mike Vick has taken some Jake Plummer etiquette lessons, after flipping the bird to the Georgia Dome crowd. And like Plummer, Vick will soon likely find himself out of a job. A lot of the blame should be on the Falcons receivers. But they see so many errant passes, they can’t handle it when one actually hits them in the hands.

  • The Chicago Bears are the NFC version of the Denver Broncos. Rex Grossman makes Plummer seem credible by comparison. You think the Raiders offense is bad, the Bears are just playing three-flies-up, waiting for a pass interference call.

  • (Expletive) the Panthers.

  • Are we ready to live in a world where J.P. Losman is considered clutch?




AND FINALLY
Arizona State fired coach Dirk Koetter and it was the right move. The Sun Devils have been too inconsistent and unable to beat ranked teams. There is no excuse for this. ASU should be one of the top programs in the country, based on facilities, weather, no academic standards, etc. And Koetter's failures at ASU should be a warning to coaches such as Bobby Petrino and Rutgers Greg Schiano who have been rumored to take more high-profile jobs.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Even Raiders Week Sucks Now



There is no bigger testament to how far the Raiders have fallen than the fact that the team is coming to town and nobody cares. Even local knives salesmen have not seen their normal sales spike that typically accompanies a Raiders visit to the Murph. Even the notoriously myopic Raiders fans have started to come to the conclusion that the Raiders are horrible. Begrudgingly, of course. There were still some holdouts, like Japanese soldiers living in seclusion 40 years following World War II. But those exceptions are now rare. Yes, even the most ardent of Raiders fan now recognizes that their team is about as relevant to the NFL as the Arizona Cardinals. Congratulations on that.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Weak Ender



Because somebody had to work on Friday!

Tawny Kitaen busted for drugs. Seems about inevitable as USC's impending beat down of Notre Dame. Kitaen has long denied that she has used drugs, but the truth says otherwise. As in having more coke in your house than they had onset for Bachelor Party. Likewise, many folks have tried to deny that USC is way better than Notre Dame, even when the truth indicates that the Trojans are.

Notre Dame has coasted through the season against the academy schools like it was the hood of a car in a White Snake video. The Domers have played one tough game against Michigan and how did that end up? It is time for the media to finally concede that USC is a pretty good football team. The Trojans are 43-2 in its last 45 football games, losing a heart-breaker to Texas in the Rose Bowl last year and a triple overtime contest in 2003. The Trojans, in the midst of a rebuilding year, are 120 minutes away from playing in its fourth consecutive title game.

Yet week after week, people keep saying that Cal, or Oregon, or Notre Dame is going to trip them up. It just isn’t happening. Make your dinner reservations early tomorrow night because this game won’t be close.

  • Two weeks in, and the Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson courtship is already tiresome. But did anybody wonder how awkward it must have been for Romo to shake hands with Matt Leinart a few weeks ago when these reports started to surface?
  • Anybody want to let Joe Buck and Troy Aikman know that it is Tony Romo, not Tony Roma, as his name was messed up repeatedly on Thursday. BTW, did you see Buck’s kids during the telecast? Pre-teen kids tend to be embarrassed by their parents, but it is sad to say that it won’t get any easier for Buck’s brood. In fact, it will get worse. What must life be like to grow up in that house hold. Imagine, in a few years, you are a guy calling one of those girls for a date. “Hi, my name is Joe Buck and my daughter will be along in a moment. But in the mean time, let me pontificate on one of my favorite subjects, that being Joe Buck.” At least he won’t have to worry about his daughters dating.
  • How bad are the Lions? Even Joey Harrington is beating them. Harrington slammed the Lions when he mentioned in his press conference that he enjoyed playing for the Dolphins, a team he could be proud of. And has anybody else noticed the Mike Martz is standing on the sidelines, while nearly every other offensive coordinator in the league is up in the booth? Seems like somebody is still trying to play head coach on the Lions sideline.
  • How will you remember the Jake Plummer era?
  • Dennis Green will not return to the Arizona Cardinals next season. Shocker. The team is reportedly interested in Steve Mariucci. That actually would be a good choice. You can't hold the Lions ordeal against Mooch. Compared to the Lions, the Cardinals would be an organization that Mooch could be proud of. Mooch had the 49ers in the playoffs seemingly every year and his teams always played well. Nobody would be able to get the Lions off the ground.
  • Terrell Owens said that he would not send any well wishes to Donovan McNabb following his injuries. This despite the fact that McNabb sent him a text message following T.O.'s accidental overdose. Peyton Manning, is not so callous, instead he called the fallen Eagles quarterback and left a message. How did McNabb respond? With a text message. What is this guy a teenage girl? Was McNabb too busy hanging out in the mall to return Manning’s phone call? You kids might not realize this, but there was a time when quarterbacks were, well, men. At least McNabb can now spend his time dog-sitting for the Barber brothers.



AND FINALLY
Warren Sapp
has said that he no longer fears food poisoning while playing for the Raiders. Sapp said, in the story, that he feared eating out while on the road, especially in places like Philly, because restaurant owners would try to tamper with his food.

"You get your food poisoned," Sapp said at Raiders headquarters. "They don't want you out there on Sunday. You don't think about it. It just got crazy."

He pointed specifically to three incidents: Before the NFC Championship Game in Philadelphia at the end of the 2002 season, which the Bucs won en route to the Super Bowl title; before a divisional playoff game at Green Bay in January 1998; and at New Orleans, where the Bucs played a game during the 1998 season.

"I know it's real, especially in Philly, come on," said Sapp, long an unpopular figure in the NFL for his play and his mouth.


You know, maybe they were just targeting Sapp because he is an a-hole.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Angels Sign Sarge Jr.

So this was the big splash Arte Moreno promised for this offseason? The Angels have signed Gary Matthews Jr. to a five-year $50M contract.

Seriously?

This will go down as one of the worst Angels free agent signings in history. And you know the Angels have made some bad free agent signings in the past. This will make you long for the days when the team traded top prospects for guys like Dave Parker and Von Hayes.

Matthews, 32, is a career .263 hitter who happened to hit .313 with 19 HRs last season. In his contract year. In Texas. It was the first time that Matthews had surpassed the .300 mark in his career. This was a total panic move. A panic move that would have never had to have been made if the team didn’t let go of Troy Glaus (a move that has cost the team at least one World Series title).

While you have to give the Angels credit for being good neighbors to the Dodgers and not making them feel bad about their over spending for Nomar and Juan Pierre, this is just ridiculous. The Yankees are supposed to be the team that gets suckered in by a .260 hitter having a career year, not the Angels. This also likely means that the Angels will not be making any trades to really get an impact bat.

Now you can imagine a lineup that has Matthews Jr. leading off and hitting .250, while slap hitting Chone Figgins plays third base. It is hard to imagine the offense being worse in 2007, and not only that, the Angels paid $50M to do it. Just a dumb move.

Cheating Broncos Fined

And not for the Scott Stapp haircut, either.

Broncos center Tom Nalen has been fined $25K for his cheap shot on Igor Olshansky and the subsequent beat down he received. Olshansky was fined $10K for playing the Tom Sizmore to Nalen's Heidi Fleiss.

The Broncos, for whatever reason, are livid about this. Really? Olshansky should not have decked Nalen in that spot because it cost the Chargers a 15-yard penalty. (Like really, did you think Jake Plummer was going to lead them to a touchdown?) But Nalen’s cut block during a spike play was far more cowardly. What a total female dog move. Nalen and the Broncos should feel lucky that all he got was a beat-down and a $25K fine.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Everybody Loves Tiki

Broadcasters really love Tiki Barber. It's true. NBC, FOX and ESPN have gone out of their way to give Tiki a sendoff that would be better suited for a guy who actually, you know, won a rushing title or Super Bowl or was at least considered the best player at his position. ESPN invited Tiki’s brother Ronde into the booth on Monday night. Not sure why, other than to prove—once and for all—that the Barber brothers are whiter than the Gumbel brothers. Seriously. Bryant Gumbel looks like 50 Cent compared to Ronde and Tiki.

The only question is why stopped at only inviting Ronde to the booth? Where was Tiki's wife, Yoko? Tiki's mother? They could have held a This is Your Life tribute to Barber during the game. And sure, you might reason that Ronde does have some football insight, seeing that he is an NFL player. But it wasn't like they were actually talking about football anyway. Instead they jabbered about who was born first, Tiki's major in college and hawked the twin's book (available in bookstores now). During that time Eli Messiah was throwing the game away for the Giants.

You have to give credit to Tiki. He has long had the reputation of being a sharp person with his eyes looking beyond football. The leak of his retirement was a perfectly orchestrated move to get people talking about Tiki. Instead of going out like Robert Smith, this retirement has built him into some sort of mythical figure. The retirement of Kareem Abdul Jabbar wasn’t this extravagant.


IS THERE anybody who would trade Philip Rivers straight up for Eli Messiah right now? (And the Chargers also received Shawne Merriman in the deal.) Rivers has started ten games and he looks much more polished than Messiah who has been a starter since his rookie season. This is going to doom the Giants franchise.

Messiah looked like a rattled rookie during points of Monday's contest. Though, that seems to be a genetic Manning-family trait. And how convenient was it that likely the worst play of Messiah's career was washed out by a dubious penalty, 60-yards from the play? (Hey, at least the Giants finally lost a challenge, but only because it was so obvious, they had no choice.)

Monday, November 20, 2006

Lil' Haters Tribute To Dirty Waters

“I never tried to intentionally hurt anyone.” – Andre “Dirty” Waters in a 2004 interview.

Yeah, tell into Redskins kicker Jess Atkinson, whose career was cut short by a Waters cheap shot to the leg back in those "glory years" of the Buddy Ryan-led Eagles. Those years when the Eagles talked the talk but never won anything of note.

Or tell it to Doug Williams, who was once sucker punched from behind by Waters, leading to surgery.

Or tell it to any of those other countless recipients of his cheap shots. At least Bill Romanowski needed to be in a roid rage to injure people. Waters, for all I can tell, was just an a-hole with no class.

Hey, I'm just amazed the bullet that Waters used on himself didn’t take out an innocent bystander or three. Autopsy reports are unclear on whether he was watching the Eagles suck again on Sunday before ending his life. If so, then a motive was pretty clear. Or maybe he was upset that he wasn't the one to ruin Donovan McNabb's career.

What? Is that too harsh? Perhaps I’m being too hard. I like other NFL fans, will take a moment to honor Waters. I also would like to think that the last thing that went through Waters’ mind—other than that bullet—was how Jess Atkins got the best of him.

Now I'm sure the league is already figuring out the best way to exploit this news for the benefit of the Giants.

The Post Mortem



Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer was much maligned earlier this season because of "Martyball." But it seems like he has finally found the perfect substitute, fall behind by large margins and then the team is forced to throw the ball to catch up. The amazing thing about the Chargers comebacks in recent weeks is not the fact that they rallied for victory. But it is the way they rally for victory. The Chargers are down huge at one point and the next moment, they are either tied or trailing by a few points. The Chargers got down by 17 points against Denver, but before you could walk over to the bar at O’Shea’s to get your $1 beer, the team only trailed by a field goal. And then, it was only a matter of time before the Chargers were going to go on to win that game.

So much for Martyball, eh?

The Chargers, as stated last week, are the best team in football right now. The Chargers finally climbed over the Mile-High hurdle, let’s see if Schotteheimer can get that Super Bowl chip off of his shoulder. Based on talent right now, San Diego is the best team in football. And it might not be close. Barring injuries or some sort of breakdown by Philip Rivers, there is no reason for this team not to be in the Super Bowl.

RIVERS IS GOOD

There was a lot of skepticism regarding Rivers prior to the start of the season, especially here at THN. It was hard to back a guy who couldn't beat out Drew Brees for two years. Plus you had some question marks at offensive line and a thin receiving corps. So it is easy to say that Rivers has far exceed expectations to this point. If you look at the quarterback class or 2004, Rivers is far-and-away the best quarterback right now. Ben Roethlisberger might have won a Super Bowl, but he was merely hanging around for the ride. Eli Messiah looks good when he can toss jump balls to Plaxico Burress. Rivers is winning games with his passes and football decisions.

Imagine where this organization would be if Rivers had not held out during the opening of the 2004 season.

COLTS STREAK ENDS

Don Shula can breath easy again, the Colts have lost. Has there ever been a less impressive 9-1 team? Peyton Manning again showed that he doesn't have what it takes to win the clutch. Who throws the ball away on fourth down on the final drive of the game? Except for Joe Montana who didn't have the arm strength to get the ball out of the end zone in the 1981 NFC Championship Game. But Dwight Clark was not there to bail out Manning on Sunday. Manning probably felt that there was a penalty on the play, but he at least needs to throw a catch-able pass. It kind of smacks of a guy who would rather take a lose than to ruin his passer rating. Not saying that he does, but it was an awful play.

Tony Dungy complained after the game that the Cowboys defenders were a little too physical with the Colts receivers, setting the stage for yet another playoff collapse. The Colts area lot like a feminine version of Elton John. They will continue to fold in the big games until they learn to butch up a little bit.

BCS NONSENSE

There is no panic with USC being the No. 3 team in the BCS this week. The Trojans, according to the experts, should jump to the second spot with victories over Notre Dame and UCLA. The notion of Michigan getting a rematch is completely ridiculous. But this is the BCS and the ridiculous often happens. Like the year when the consensus No. 1 team in the country did not make it to the BCS title game. But that's the problem with college football. It gets great ratings and draws a lot of interest. Yet it keeps shooting itself in the foot with this BCS nonsense. Having Michigan reach the BCS title game would be like the NFL finding the AFC (or NFC) Championship Game so compelling, they order a rematch for the Super Bowl and stick the other conference winner in the Pro Bowl.

And you all don’t want another "bad beat" story, because the Sports Dork corners the market on those. But it figures that Notre Dame would ruin the official THN parlay cards in Las Vegas this weekend.


  • Have you signed the petition to get Steve Bisheff's Toupee in the California Sports Hall of Fame? Make sure you do. This petition will eventually be turned over to the CSHOF, so make your voice heard.

  • Why is there nothing surprising about Donovan McNabb being out for the rest of the season? Obviously it was a fluke play that could have happened to anybody. But, at least in the last two years, it always seems to happen to McNabb when his season is going south. And this is the third time in five years that he has suffered a season-ending injury.

  • When did Brett Favre channel the ghost of Al Czervik? He knew when to get out of the game and that bump on his "funny bone" did look a little suspicious. And did you notice that Favre's protégé Aaron Brooks not only pulled the "Czervik," he also managed to return in enough time to lose the game for the Raiders. Obviously, Brooks didn’t trust Andrew Walter enough to lose that game.

  • The Broncos will make the move to Jay Cutler after the Chiefs game this week, giving him 10 days to prepare for his first start. Where is that guy saying the Broncos were going to win this game?

  • The Chargers are the best team in the AFC (sorry Baltimore), but who is the best team in the NFC? Maybe college football does have the right idea.

  • Sports Illustrated's Pete King couldn’t jump on the Rutgers bandwagon fast enough last season, and totally bailed on them this week. The Scarlet Knights are just another team that King has jinxed this season. Stay away from Boise State. But you can just smell a Nevada upset this week for the Broncos.

  • The O.J. Simpson television appearance and book about how he would have hypothetically carried out the murders has been canceled. When Rupert Murdoch calls an idea "ill conceived" you knew it was a bad idea.


AND FINALLY

The Cubs are spending a little money, huh? Hopefully the new owner (Tribune is on the blocks) doesn’t mind. Or maybe the new owner is the one ordering all of this dough to be spent so he can make a big splash when he signs. Somebody like say, Mark Cuban, for instance. Could Cuban really be inline to be the next owner of the Cubs? It might be a little far-fetched to actually think that, but stranger things have happened.

These moves are also leading to the inevitable that A-Rod will be a member of the Angels next season.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The Weak Ender

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson made news this week with a rumored romance. The couple allegedly had lunch together this week in an encounter more scripted than Simpson’s marriage.

Romo obviously is trying to follow in the footsteps of Troy Aikman, who led the Cowboys to three Super Bowl titles, but more importantly, had a couple of high-profile romances with Lori Morgan and Sandra Bullock before settling down with Cowboys PR chick, Rhonda Worthey. (Really, she was the reason for the high attendance for the NFL’s yearly PR meetings.)

And that is the point here. Romo could be have his pick of any women, as he is the quarterback for the league’s most high profile team. While Simpson is really attractive, that is a family tree you might not want to climb. Joe Simpson makes Marv Marinovich seem liaise faire by comparison.

Mandy Peete was recently snapped up, but there are still some solid choices out there like Jill Wagner, Ashley Judd or maybe Stacey Keibler. Hey, at least it wasn’t Paris Hilton, right?

Still, Cowboys fans had better hope that he makes some better choices on the field.

THE BIG GAME

The most anticipated college football game of the season is finally here—when USC plays host to Cal at the Coliseum on Saturday. And yeah, Ohio State and Michigan are also playing this week. Both games should help settle the BCS mess. Right. The loser of the Ohio State and Michigan game could remain at number two. You might think that is impossible, but anybody who suffered through that Miami vs. Nebraska title miss-match will let you know differently.

Jeff Tedford teams have been known to quit once they stumble during the season. Just look at Cal's bowl performance last year. So it won’t be a surprise when USC wins this game going away.
When you look at Ohio State’s schedule, you notice that their marquee wins just aren't that impressive. They beat Texas, who started a freshman quarterback. A freshman quarterback that lost to Kansas State last week. Iowa has proven to be garbage. THN recommends taking Michigan and the points, along with USC. But be advised, your college football expert is 6-1 in picking Boise State games and about 2-89 in other college games. So start partying in Columbus.
THE NFL's BIG GAME

Regular season NFL games never seem to have the importance as huge college games because of the league’s ridiculous instance on a playoff system. Wouldn’t the NFL be better if either the Broncos or Chargers were eliminated this week instead of making us wait for playoffs in January?

The Chargers have not faired well in Denver. In particular LaDainian Tomlinson. There are probably some Broncos fans who don’t think that LT is good at all. Not because Tomlinson’s career rushing high in Denver is 75 yards (2001) but because most Broncos fans are only one rung away from being a Raiders fan.

Everybody seems to be harping on the fact that LT struggles in Denver. Marty Schottenheimer struggles in Denver. And really, NFL trends have meant so much this season so that shouldn't even matter. The bottom line is that San Diego just has a better football team right now. But that almost seems to simple to break it down that way, right?

  • Breaking news: Former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passed away on Friday morning. Maybe this rivalry is more intense than us West Coasters give it credit for. But how pissed are you right now if you are an Ohio State fan? Not that they need any more incentive. But do current Michigan players really care about Schembechler? They probably remember him more for his GM stint with the Tigers. Will Schembechler’s obituary be written on a cocktail napkin.

  • Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis won't play against Atlanta this week. That's too bad, he just kills Atlanta. Oh wait, Lewis kills while in Atlanta. Our mistake.

  • Houston was award the Texans franchise after Los Angeles failed to get its act together. Nobody is more bummed about that than Texans guard Fred Weary who was shot with a Taser after being stop for speeding. Had Weary been playing for the Los Angeles Californians, he not only would have been given a police escort home, he would be on FOX, hosting a special explaining that if he was to hypothetically speed, here is how he would do it. Hypothetically, of course.

  • Jets running back Leon Washington's trading card caused a flap this week when it appeared that he was flipping the bird. Who does this guy think he is, Billy Ripken? Washington instead said he was giving a gang symbol. Yeah, because that’s much better. The sad part? It was perceived to be better.

  • Who is to blame for New England’s two-game losing streak? It's the grass. The Patriots will install FieldTurf in time for its November 26 game against the Bears. The Patriots also made news when the team signed Vinny Testaverde to a contract. But wouldn't it seem more likely that Testaverde owns a landscaping company and they will be installing the FieldTurf? That has to be the explanation because it would be hard to believe that a team would let Willie McGinest, Adam Vinatieri and Deion Branch go, and then sign a guy like Vinny.

  • Herman Edwards does not want to win the Super Bowl. Would he have stuck with Drew Bledsoe if he was the Patriots coach in 2001?

  • Albert Haynesworth returns for the Titans this week and he says that he is sorry. Still, it would be understandable for Eagles center Jamaal Jackson to be a little nervous.

  • Have you signed the petition to get Steve Bisheff’s Toupee in the California Sports Hall of Fame? Make sure you do. This petition will eventually be turned over to the CSHOF, so make your voice heard.


AND FINALLY

Coaches Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio will be allowed to wear suits this weekend. Nolan has long desired the chance to wear suits in homage to his father, who was formerly the 49ers head coach. But he was always denied by the NFL’s dress code. Yes, the same dress code that allows Bill Belichick to wear sweatshirts with his sleeves cut off, like he is some tow-truck driver. Nolan (and Del Rio) will be allowed to wear suits twice this season. Of course, the suits will be designed by Reebok. Yeah, there is no way those will look tacky. But hopefully this leads to a trend of people wearing suits more.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Maloof Brothers Can Go To Hell

The Maloof brothers have done a lot of the NBA. Really, for such a homophobic sport, it is refreshing to see the NBA and its players accept two openly gay owners. You must credit the Maloofs, who have opened the door for other minority owners such as Arte Moreno and Robert Johnson.

Recently, the duo have been twisting the arm of Sacramento for a new arena. Nice try. The Maloofs are the owners of the Palms Casino in Las Vegas. The same casino that sells rooms for $400/night. The same casino that has over-priced clubs selling you a $250 bottle of vodka, that is probably a watered-down brand in a Grey Goose bottle. The same Palms Casino that is building a new tower. These a-holes also appear in an insipid Carl's Jr. commercial where they chase down burgers with a $6K bottle of wine.*

And these schmucks want the rubes of Sacramento to pay for their new arena to house the Sacramento Kings? Again, nice try.

The city of Sacramento strongly voted down a sales-tax proposal that would have built a new arena to the Kings. So the crybaby brothers turned to David Stern in an attempt to get a new building. But you all know that this is nothing more than posturing that will allow the Kings to flee the California capital and end up in Las Vegas. These goons should not pretend and just move.

That way, their new dazzling stadium can be filled to capacity with LA fans who cheer when the Lakers eliminate the Kings from yet another playoff series. Seriously, do they actually believe that Las Vegas is going to support a team other than the Lakers? Ha. They might as well see if they can play afternoon games at Staples Center like the Lakers freshman team.

In other words, the Maloofs can go to hell. Kind of like how the voters of Sacramento already told them.


*Seriously, Martin estate. You can say "no" to some commercial endorsements.

California Sports Hall of Fame

The California Sports Hall of Fame was recently founded by Christian Okoye to recognize the top figures in California sports history. Because really, when you think of California sports, you think of Christian Okoye.

The Nigerian Nightmare.

The CSHOF is actually a good thing. It now gives guys such as Tim Brown something to shoot for. The inaugural class was pretty good, as you would expect. Chick Hearn, Magic Johnson, Eric Dickerson, etc., they are all there.

But there was one glaring admission.

Steve Bisheff's toupee. As first reported here on THN, the Bish was bought out recently and his last day will be November 30. So the Bish's toupee certainly deserves this honor now more than ever. When major California news has happened, the Bish's toupee has been there. Often scooping stories long before his owner got there.

So please, help us override this injustice and sign our petition to get Steve Bisheff's Toupee elected into the California Sports Hall of Fame.

And keep an eye out for your invitations to the Roast of Steve Bisheff.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

LT Is So Good

LaDainian Tomlinson is so good, that you get the feeling that he is going to reach the top of the mountain some day. Yep, there is going to be a time when we look at Tomllinson and say, "There goes a Dancing with the Stars champion."

Haven’t seen AC Slater this disappointed since he and Kelly lost that dance-off to Screech and Lisa at the Max. AC should have busted these moves. Ironically, Emmitt Smith and his partner won the contest with a dance called, the “sprain.” He should have grown back the mullet. Look for more Saved by the Bell alumni in reality shows this summer, starting with Rock Star: Zack Attack.

Not If You Were John Lennon

USC has made college football cool again. Like an NCAA version of a Lakers game. Once Snoop Dogg, Will Ferrell, Nick Lachey, et al started showing up on the Trojans sidelines, it seems that other programs scrambled for their own celebrities. Like the University of Texas and Mance (Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong).

Credit to Ohio State for saying enough is enough. The university denied a ticket request for Nickelback indicating that the boundaries for media whoredom does have its limits.

Hero and associate athletics director Steve Snapp was the man who turned down the request.

"I told then, 'Not that I don't appreciate your music, but even if you were John Lennon and calling for four for the original Beatles, I couldn't do it.

"Not even if you came out and sang, 'With Arms Wide Open' at halftime. Oh, and Sammy Hagar called; he wants his hair back."

Alright, that last part was embellished. But congratulations to Ohio State, karma is on your side.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Pupil Becomes the Master

Did you think that game-crippling poor decisions were only a specialty of Mike Martz? You are wrong. St. Louis football fans longing to the days of Martz and his inexplicable poor game caling were treated to a Martz-like moment from new coach Scott Linehan on Sunday. The St. Louis football team led 16-14 early in the fourth quarter when Linehan made a decision to pass on fourth-and-1 from the Seattle 12 instead of taking the chip-shot field goal. They play was bad on so many levels, not the least of which was that it did not go to Torry Holt. Instead it went to some anonymous tight end who was triple covered and needless to say, the play—like Martz's career—failed.

The St. Louis football team lost 24-22. Not like a field goal would have mattered or anything thing. It is like Martz never left at all.

Thank God.

The Panthers Can Make You Sick

Steve Smith spent the better part of Monday night on the sidelines, puking into a trash can. And he was one of the lucky ones, because he wasn't subjected to watching the thing on television. (Just kidding. This Monday night game is getting panned all over the Internet because it wasn't that entertaining. The game was actually quite enjoyable, but don't take our word for it, we like sports.)

You could have probably caught a YouTube video of Smith's theatrics, but Opie Goodell has put a clamp down on YouTube, because if you aren't willing to part with millions of dollars, then you are going to get a chance to see it. That's enough to make you sick right there.

The Panthers second-half rally kept their season alive, which is good, because Carolina needs to be in the playoffs.

Isaiah Thomas: Froot Loop

The Isaiah Thomas coaching era for the New York Knicks is almost enough to spark a little bit of interest into the NBA. And his latest indiscretion certainly justified that thinking.

Thomas called out the pride of Cal State Fullerton Bruce Bowen for, well, it’s not clear what he was upset about. Thomas believed that Bowen was sticking his foot under players attempting to shoot jump shots. That seems about as plausible as the Piston beating the Lakers in an NBA Finals with a healthy Byron Scott and Magic Johnson. Thomas let his anger management issues get the best of him when he threatened Bowen during a game last week. Things didn’t get much better when a reporter asked what Thomas would have done to Bowen if he was still playing in the league.

"I'd beat the (expletive) out of somebody," Thomas said. "Really, I would (expletive) murder them. There's certain things you don't do."

Yeah, this coming from a guy that once played for the Bad Boys. Coming from a guy who played for Bob Knight.

Somebody really needs to settle Thomas down. It was kind of funny (but at the same time pathetic) when he threatened ESPN’s Sports Dork Bill Simpson. But coming after the former Titan is just lunacy. Thomas even mentioned that it was a bit of gamesmanship on his part to motivate his team. In other words, Thomas admitted that he doesn’t know how to coach or motivate an NBA basketball team.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Post Mortem



One common thread in the NFL dictates that decent teams facing elimination will win at home.

In other words, the Bengals are not a decent team. But what does this victory mean for the Chargers? Normally, THN is highly critical of the Chargers. And Sunday was a game that the Chargers should have lost. (At least if you read The Weak Ender. Oops.) It even seemed to be going to plan when the Bengals jumped out to a 21-point lead in the first half. It was one of those things you hated to be right about, even if you saw it coming.

But what many fans didn't see coming was the complete beat-down the Chargers put on the Bengals in the second half. There is a point where teams play carefree with nothing to lose, but this was much more than that. The Chargers dissected a very talented Bengals team to remain in first place in the AFC West. It wasn't so much the Bengals choking, as the Chargers just dominating.

Nobody would have thought twice if the Chargers had kind of packed it in and prepared for Denver. It is the kind of thing that Marty Schottenheimer teams do. They don't win tough games like this, but they finally rose to the occasion. The Chargers with this win showed that they are the best team in the AFC.

Some might point to the Colts and their perfect record. And to be fair, you can't point out Peyton Manning's fault in the clutch without mentioning that Schottenheimer hasn't been so good with the chips on the line. But outside of the Patriots, do the Colts ever play a tough team? They play Houston, Tennessee and Jacksonville twice a year. It is like the NFL's equivalent of the Sun Belt conference. The Colts are never challenged during the regular season. Seriously, it is no wonder they fold in the clutch. And don't forget, the Chargers have the Colts number. They have a pressing pass rush and a run game that will expose the Colts defense. Just like they did last year.

There is no argument; the Chargers are the best team in the AFC.

NO PATERNITY TEST NEEDED

Eli Messiah was winning so many games that you thought that maybe he was not a member of the Manning family after all. But after (expletive)ing the bed on Sunday night, Messiah truly is a member of the family. Nice game, jerk. A couple of picks, no touchdowns. The Giants are the frauds that everybody thought the Bears were losing to the Dolphins last week.

(And before you bury the Bears for last week remember that people liked the Dolphins to go to the Super Bowl this season. So don't be surprised when they win a few games.)

And why should anybody be surprised that the Giants threw away a victory? The Messiah’s game plan of blindly throwing the ball up for grabs just doesn't seem to work against the team like the Bears or when his receivers are hurt. Messiah just doesn’t have the quarterbacking skills to fall back on.

BCS NONSENSE

The funniest thing about the BCS mess right now is that all of America would be rallying behind Rutgers and Boise State if this were March Madness. But because this is football, everybody is upset by Rutgers presence. Can anybody explain that? The country should be celebrating Rutgers and their chance to prove what a fraud the BCS is.

USC had the best Saturday ever, jumping up to the three spot in the BCS. The common thinking is that if the Trojans win out, they will move into the championship game. But what happens if Ohio State loses to Michigan on Saturday? Are you going to reason that the Buckeyes should fall below USC because they lose to the second-best team in the nation?

And shut up Florida fans. It is a crying shame that the SEC has an automatic bid in the BCS playoffs at all. That conference is as boring as it is overrated. Arkansas looked like garbage in the second half against Tennessee. Florida can barely hold off an awful South Carolina team. This conference has deceived you. It is the Mountain West with a better press agent.

Boise State rose to No. 12 in the BCS standings, ensuring an automatic bid if they win out. The Broncos struggled against mighty San Jose State, but nobody pushes the Spartans around. Nobody. And congratulations to San Diego State for beating UNLV.

  • Anybody want to take a break to go for coffee? This is going to be a long one, today.


  • Did anybody else catch Chad Johnson mugging it up with LaDainian Tomlinson and Keenan McCardell following the Chargers beat down? Why do NFL players never seem to care when they lose a game? Especially a game where you had a 21-point lead. Johnson can posture that he is all about winning, but celebrating after setting an individual receiving record following an embarrassing loss says otherwise. Cris Collinsworth would never do that. Bill Belichick would never do that. Did you see the warm reception he gave to his pupil, Eric Mangini? That handshake was as awkward as that Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's kiss on MTV years ago. But at least Belichick was pissed that his team lost the game. As it should be.

  • Marlon McCree's hit on T.J. Houshmanzadeh might have been a cheap shot. But nobody is really shedding any tears, especially after the way Johnson mimicked Shawne Merriman's sack dance. Johnson does get credit for creativity. But just don't act surprised when one of your teammates gets roughed up. And somebody might want to let Dan Dierdorf in on the joke, as he was clueless as to what Johnson was doing. Not that being clueless ever stopped him before.

  • Were you bummed that Houshmanzadeh was spelled correctly? It is because the Houshyourmama jokes have been played out. The lamest ever? T.J. HoushmanzaDUH. Painfully awful.

  • The Falcons second-half collapse is arriving right on schedule. Atlanta started 6-2 before finishing 8-8 last season. Losing to Charlie (expletive) Frye should make the Mike Vick bandwagon as empty as the stands at an Oakland A's baseball.

  • Aramis Ramirez resigned with the Cubs without listening to an offer from the Angels. Enjoy playing for a middle-of-the-pack team. Look for A-Rod to the Angels rumors to intensify.

  • Anybody want Drew Brees back? Philip Rivers has certainly silenced his critics. The first half of yesterday's game was eerily similar to Ryan Leaf's debacle at Kansas City that ended up ruining his career.

  • Conrad Bain's assistant sent in this note: If Brett Favre is going to break the all-time interception record, he might need to borrow some of Jake Plummer's picks. Packers coach Mike McCarthy wants Favre to play two more years. Yeah, he really wants him to push that record out of reach.

  • The playoff hopes of the St. Louis football team are sinking faster than their former owner.

  • Washed away in the Eagles huge victory over Washington is that Donovan McNabb completed less than 50 percent of his passes. But at least Marty Mornhinweg is starting to run the ball more. Which should also get Brian Westbrook injured much faster. But hey, it's the NFC, so everybody has a chance. Except for the Cardinals.


AND FINALLY

If you want to see your favorite band play their hits, don't come to a concert with me. Had the chance to see The Who in Palm Springs on Saturday. (For a full recap of the season, come see our 10 minutes at the Improv in the near future.) But The Who did not play any of their hits. No Sympathy for the Devil; no Fade to Black; no Jumping Jack Flash; no Under My Thumb.

Instead, The Who played three jingles from the CSI television series and a cover of Elton John's Pinball Wizard. What a rip.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Weak Ender

Critics suggest that golfers and NASCAR drivers are not real athletes, but they sure marry like they are. Jeff Gordon finally made an honest woman out of Ingrid Vandebosch, as the couple was wed in Mexico recently.

Gordon, you may remember, dumped the woman that stood by his side while he struggled in the dirt tracks in California and bagged himself a model.

NASCAR drivers might be real athletes after all.

BENGALS A MESS

What the hell happened to the Cincinnati Bengals? A preseason favorite, the Bengals have managed to tread water this season as players have spent more time in the court room than the end zone. Chad Johnson is pointing fingers. Carson Palmer looks dazed at times. And the defense has just looked awful. It appears that Marvin Lewis is running a renegade operation that makes the University of Miami seem regimented. That could only mean one thing:

The Bengals will beat the Chargers on Sunday.

The Chargers look like an obvious runaway in Sunday’s game. For everything that has gone wrong with the Bengals this season, fortune has smiled on the Chargers. Except, of course, for that whole Shawne Merriman steroid deal. So the Chargers rolling in at 6-2 seem like a lock, right? Wrong.

One common thread in the NFL dictates that decent teams facing elimination will win at home. It never fails. Just when you are ready to count a team out, they come out of nowhere to win a game that they shouldn’t. But don’t get fooled into thinking the Steelers will beat New Orleans. Pittsburgh is done this season. Joey Porter can guarantee a victory; but he also once guaranteed that his dogs wouldn’t kill a miniature pony, too. And how did that turn out?

  • Welcome to the party, San Francisco. Looks like your city will lose its football team, too, as owner John York announced that he was moving the club to Santa Clarita. Not that it is as bad as the NFL folding the Rams and awarding an expansion team to St. Louis with the same name, owner, players and logos, but it is close. York said that the team will still be named "San Francisco." Heard that one. In a few years, they will be known as the San Francisco 49ers of Santa Clarita.
  • The Raiders offensive line is so porous, they should be renamed the U.S. Border Patrol.
  • The Bills and Colts meet this weekend. Do you think that Peyton Manning will look over at the Bills sideline during the game and think back to the four Super Bowls that the team choked in the early 1990s? At that point, Manning will likely realize that he has a whole lot of choking to do before he can ever reach Jim Kelly status.
  • NFL.com's Andy Schefter does not believe that. The Bish may be retiring, so thankfully Schefter is picking up the mantle as one of the most generic and least-through provoking columnist. It must be payday because Schefter was really going to town on Manning for the second consecutive week.

    Manning is going to win a Super Bowl, maybe as soon as this season, and he probably winds up winning a couple before he's through.

    It doesn't matter if his team's run defense is one of the weakest in NFL history. Manning's will to win is far greater than any weakness his team has.

    You heard it here first, people. Manning is the only person who wants to win a Super Bowl. Philip Rivers, Mike Vick, Tom Brady…none of them care. It’s understandable that columnists for NFL.com are supposed to do some cheerleading, but even this is obscene.
  • Oh no, made the mistake of reading more of Schefter’s column. Be advised, this next passage might make you ill.

    But Manning is too thorough, too prepared and too meticulous to be denied the world championship trophy that, until now, has eluded one of football's royal families. And if Peyton can't get it for them, maybe Eli can.
  • The Falcons defense is trying to rebound from an embarrassing loss last week. Not, it was the Lions upset victory, it was the fact that Jon Kitna nearly beat the crap out of Michael Boley during an in-game fight. Boley must have had fun in film study this week.
  • Anybody else find it interesting that Jerramy Stevens was fined $15K for groin-butting Tyler Brayton’s knee?
  • Donovan McNabb said that he was not a stat guy, instead he was only concerned about winning. A winner? McNabb is such a loser, Britney Spears is planning on marrying him.
  • How do you ensure a Super Bowl season with Trent Green as your quarterback? You get him injured. Green missed the 1999 season with St. Louis and was replaced by Kurt Warner who led the team to a Super Bowl victory. Now the Chiefs are trying to regain that magic with Damon Huard. Herman Edwards is a genius. The Cowboys are doing the same thing, replacing Drew Bledsoe with a young quarterback in Tony Romo. Like Brady, the girls find Romo dreamy. Put your money on the Chiefs and the Cowboys meeting in the Super Bowl.
  • NBC flexed its muscle by switching the Bears and Giants tilt to Sunday night. Good thing too, the Manning family does not get enough exposure in prime time. And who were the ad wizards that wanted to put the Raiders in prime time three times this season. The Raiders have averaged one point per game in their three prime time appearances. Not surprisingly, last week’s game was the lowest rated MNF game, like, ever.
  • Remember when everybody was outraged that Brad Johnson was one of the lowest paid quarterbacks in the NFL? Don’t worry, nobody else does either. Johnson has committed six turnovers in the past two games. Things have gotten so bad, coach Ray Childress suggested that Johnson take some time off this week and go for a boat ride or something.
  • The relationship between Jets coach Eric Mangini and Bill Belichick appears to be strained after the two argued over the true owner of a lucky hooded sweatshirt. Belichick seems intent in following in mentor Bill Parcells’ footsteps by being a total (expletive) to his protégé. Can a “BRO” be far behind?


AND FINALLY
Leave it to Rutgers to really muck up the BCS which will now allow a one-loss team into the BCS title game. Because you know that Boise State and Rutgers have no chance of being allowed to play for the national championship. USC looks like they are in the best position if they can win out. Even-money says that Boise State will play Rutgers in a BCS bowl as it won’t allow either team a chance to beat a BCS-conference team.

The critics are going to hammer the Big East today, but Rutgers showed just how tough this conference can be. We will get our answers soon, just now in the BCS title game.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Bud Black New Padres Manager

Bud Black will be introduced as the new Padres manager at the team's banquet on Thursday night. If Black had to leave the team, at least he went to the Padres. Our boy over at Minor League Town had better appreciate this.

Add pitching coach to the list of the Angels need this winter. The club is rumored to be in the market for Sarge Junior (Gary Matthews) to play center and Barry Zito, then dealing Ervin Santana and Chone Figgins away. This comes on the heels of Adam Kennedy's release and Howie Kendrick moving to second base full time. Any other thoughts on the Angels moves? Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Joey Porter: Froot Loop

Joey Porter is not living on the same planet as the rest of us. If he is not allowing his dogs to rip apart some miniature ponies, he is making out with Bill Cowher on the sidelines of a nationally televised NFL game.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

But Porter might have really jumped into the deep-end recently. Porter has never really been a fan of the officials, as he accused them of favoring the referees in the AFC playoffs last season. And you know, he was probably right. Porter recently drew a $15K fine for unsportsmanlike conduct for remarks he made to an official. Seems harmless right? ESPN stated that Porter told a referee that he would "come after him."

Now, it's not like a referee doesn't deserve a smack in the face now and then. Especially with some of the play calls this season. Like it wouldn't have been out of line if, say, Roy Williams had smacked a referee after that ridiculous 15-yard face-mask penalty at the end of the Cowboys/Redskins game. That seems reasonable, right?

But Porter is a little too out there. The official could have just been asking Porter how his day was going. It is hard to side with him on this one because he is a full-fledged Froot Loop.

And She’s Single, Boys

Go ahead, make your jokes.

The game might have passed by Britney Spears, but these eyes will always view her in the same light as Kurt Warner. Sure, she might not be what she once was; her confidence might be shaken; she has a bad spouse and yeah, she might fumble a kid here and there. (Who hasn't?) But for a glorious three-year run, she was on top of the world. A fact that cannot be challenged even if she made another eight seasons of Chaotic.

So go ahead and make fun of her if you will, but remember this. The divorce from Brenda Federline only means that she is going to be getting back into the game. And you know what that means—a Playboy spread is coming soon. Oh yeah, laugh it up now, but you know you will be the first in line to buy that issue.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Fire Marshal Hates Duke

The Cameron Idiots are no longer going to be allowed to stand on the floor space behind press row, as deemed by Durham fire code. Coach Mike Krzygftokheitbgjmoreiski, in the interest of student safety, understood the rule and will comply.

Wait, that is exactly what didn't happen. How dare the fire marshal question Coach Krzysdhjhyerywlkjnhbugvski and his omnipotence? The Great One thinks the students should be allowed to stand wherever they damn well please. And if he had his way, Coach K would let the students stand in the lane. Maybe that way they could be North Carolina.

"Where were [the fire marshals] for the last 50 years?" he told the Durham Herald Sun. "It's like, 'Did we do something wrong? And if that is the case, then how might we be able to solve it without hurting the students?' They're on the team, too. They should be as close to the court as possible."

Doesn’t that fire marshal know that he is talking to The Mighty Duke, damn it? How dare he enforce the law? Coach K is trying to arm his kids for life. Doesn't the fire marshal know that Duke doesn't have much regard for the law? Just ask the lacrosse team. Or J.J. Manning.

Actually, maybe it is about time somebody at Duke starts to enforce the law. They could certainly use it. And a bit of advice for Coach K, you could learn a lot from the fire marshal. Mainly how to give his team the Heimlich maneuver during the Sweet 16.

Raiders Own Monday Night

Raider Nation finally invaded Taco Surf, the unassuming haunt for THN Monday Night Football. To think, all it took was two wins to scrounge up the dregs of humanity that could not be found during the first five weeks of the season. Well, most Raiders fans have always been idiots. A meaningless two-game winning streak brings out the most myopic. Of course, this lead to the colorful Raiders running commentary during the game. But hey, it could have been worse—you could be at home listening to Joe Theismann.

And listening to Raiders fan pontificate on football was more enlightening. To wit, here is how a Raiders fan summed up the evening, “(Expletive) (Expletive) Mother (Expletive). (Expletive) these mother (expletives).” That really captures the mood, huh?

There were various calls to hurt that mother (expletive), the refs are out to get them and such. But that’s just the Raiders way. As it is always the Raiders way to pay $4 for a bottle of Corona when a draft of Dos Equis cost $2.

The Raiders fans were asked to cool it. Like THN, Taco Surf is a family joint. But Randy Moss finally got to them. “That (expletive) (female dog). (Expletive) you. (Expletive) no, I won’t shut up. I’m (expletive) pissed. (Expletive) mother (expletive). (Expletive) him.”

Luckily, like a true Raiders fans, they left early when the Seahawks put the game away—when Deion Branch scored in the first quarter. Of course, they also have no grasp of sarcasm either.



HEY, AT least Tyler Brayton showed a little fight as he kneed Jerramy Stevens in the groin. Give Brayton a break, though, it was his first sack of the season. And did you notice that Stevens was laughing after the incident? It is because he has a vagina.



BRIAN BOSWORTH seemed good humored about the Bo Jackson incident years ago. Damn, you can’t make fun of him now. Or you could just go watch the movie Stone Cold. Kidding, Bosworth was great in that movie.