Have you ever noticed the frighteningly similar parallel between Cowgirl and the Sports Dork? The Net is littered with Sports Dork comparrison, but Cowgirl might be the best example. Both are Internet phenoms, both had the incredible fortune of being in the right place at the right time and both have unreadable columns on major media outlets. It is crazy. Of course, the Sports Dork is kind of a smug, self-satisfied a-hole, kind of like Dennis Miller in his post SNL years. Cowgirl at least seems like she is in on the joke with the rest of us. And let's face it, she looks much better in a tank top.

The Dork is now starting to take a lot of shots from around the web and, as pioneers in this field, it is nice to finally see. Kind of like the Lions fans who were against the Matt Millen hiring from the beginning rejoicing in the glow of all of those Fire Millen signs. (Though this might have taken too long.) At the current rate, it will only be a matter of time before the Dork is on the Surreal Life 10. Which, of course, would be the highlight of his life.

(And yes, THN would take Sports Dork money, so don't bother.)

• The 9-1-1 tape from the T.O. apparent suicide has been released. But many of you might not know that T.O. is doing a reality TV Show. If you want to check out the footage of what happened, you can watch it here.

• It would be really disappointing if T.O. did try to commit suicide by taking pills. You would expect something cool like the opening scenes of the Last Boy Scout, not something that had all of the drama of your average ABC After School Special.
  

• It's now safe for the entire world to no longer care about the Saints this week. So much so, that you should pick the Panthers to win on Sunday. Do not underestimate that emotional let down the Saints will have this week. It’s coming. That is your NFL lock of the week. The Patriots also are a goood bet for this reason.

• Was there a happier guy than Terrance Kiel this week? The Chargers arrest was timed perfectly with the T.O. scandal and it was bumped to the back pages. Who is his PR guy, Karl Rove? (C'mon, that was funny.)
  

• Apologies for actually getting a couple of college games right last week. So take these picks with caution: Ohio State, Oregon and Boise State to cover.

• Former Chargers defensive back Rodney Harrison is not afraid of running his mouth, even landing in a war-of-words with new THN hero Chad Johnson. Harrison's response to Johnson saying that he will knock his head off: “He's a funny guy. This is the way he brings humor to the game and keeps himself energized. I know it's all in fun. He didn't mean anything personal about it. This is kind of similar to the Freddie Mitchell gig, but Chad is not on that level of receiver," Harrison said. "He's not as good as Freddie." Point Harrison

• Whose rug is better, the Bish or Peyton Manning in that phone commercial?

• People are expecting an awful lot from the Chargers this week; especially quarterback Philip Rivers. But before you get too excited, remember that Ryan Leaf had an excellent first two starts before melting down against Kansas City in his third game, essentially ruining his career. If Rivers has a bad game this week, look for the Chargers to cocoon him from the media in the aftermath.

AND FINALLY
Did anybody see the reports that the league's interest in the Los Angeles has taken a hit since Roger Goodell took office. You mean that Goodell went back on his word about the NFL and Los Angeles? Why, that is just unprecedented. As it has been reported here on THN (for months), your only chance for NFL football in LA is the Raiders relocating in 2011. Embrace it, or fear it, it is the only hope.

Hey, it’s me, Pat the Patriot. I’ll be honest with you; most Patriots fans are like Raiders fans without the spiked shoulder pads. They won’t have much to cheer for this year. And while I have now doubt the Pats will win the AFC east, I have three reasons why they will not be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy this year. And it has nothing do with Cadillac not wanting to give Tom Brady another Escalade.

1) Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli make George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman look like the guys from Google: Did you see the sidelines during week two? A cameraman tried to get a shot of RB Corey Dillon being looked at by trainers, but some member the Foxboro Gestapo stood in front of the camera with his arms crossed like a bouncer at a strip club. (Believe me, I know.) With cryptic press conferences, fascist gag orders for players, no nonsense hard-nosed contract negotiations, Bill Belichick has created a Saddam-like cult of personality.

Losing popular stars Lawyer Milloy and Ty Law worked out well, but it will catch up with the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Trading McGinest was the good. Letting Vinateri get swooped up by the only real rival the Patriots is stupid. Matt Millen stupid. THEN Belichick and Pioli put their pride up against Deion Branch’s and now the receiving corps consists of untested rookies, a former Charger with hands almost as bad as Koren Robinson’s, Troy Brown, and a Raider, the WRONG Raider. The Patriots way of doing business seems to have finally caught up with them.

2) The curse of the star running back: I wouldn’t want to be rookie running back Laurence Maroney. Sure he is having a great year, but that just means his time with the Patriots is nearly over. There is another curse in New England sports and that is the football team never has a star running back. Don’t believe me, than what happened to this guy after he ran for 1,115 yards in 1998, or this guy after he became the only Patriot RB to string together three 1,000-yard seasons? I’ll tell you. One went on to be the Joe Theismann of beach football and the other went on to be one of the greatest RBs of all time — for the New York Jets! But back to this season’s running tandem, all those drunk frat boys from Boston with faux Irish pride will enjoy a one-two punch in the backfield until Corey Dillon goes down week six with a broken foot. Then Maroney will step up, have a great season, hold out for a new contract and get traded to the Buffalo Bills. Once there, he will go on to a Hall of Fame career and the greatest Patriot RB ever will still be Sam Cunningham.

3): Tom Brady is too preoccupied to lead the team. Brady claimed he was off his game this season because he was preoccupied with the Branch debacle. Hey Tommy, how about you are busier than Peyton Manning hawking products. Brady doesn’t do the big products that get all the exposure but he does the magazine shots for products like Movado watches, Nike and Sirius Satellite Radio. It will probably get worse after his movie star girlfriend blows up with her new television show Six Degrees airing Thursdays at 10pm ET on ABC (THN got big bucks for that plug) and Brady will have to show up at every premiere and follow her around like a kept man. Perhaps the QB with the movie star looks can take a page from endorsement whore rival Manning and learn how to sell play action and Visa cards.

Prediction: The Patriots go 10-6, win the AFC East and bow out wild card weekend against the Jags. Then finally real sports fans won’t have to listen to Patriots/Red Sox fans talk about their championship teams back home. While we are on that, if it is so great back there then why are you and your accents and crappy Red Sox hats living in California, Phoenix, Seattle or wherever. Go home!

Do you have a son that plays football? Do you want him to play well? Do you want him to receive the best instruction available? Do you want him to play at his very best? Do you want him to one day reach the NFL?

Do you want him to eventually be so good that he is doggedly pushed by his coach so hard that he eventually tries to commit suicide?

Then be the first on your block to order the Bill Parcells Backyard Drills for Future Depressed Superstars.



If your son does not reach the NFL and swallow a handful of pills by the time he is 30-years-old, you get your money back. Guaranteed.

Many of you likely had a similar reaction when you found out that Terrell Owens had attempted suicide last night:

I hope he is okay.

No, it was likely, "Who has him in our fantasy league? And please let it be that jerk (insert name here). "

You are not evil for thinking this. It's natural to think about this. Although many people who drafted T.O. might be looking for some spare pills in the medicine cabinet right now.

Although there are a few questions that remain to be answered that most of you are probably thinking of right now. Namely, where was Donovan McNabb when all of this went down? He and his mother had better have their alibis checked out. You know the CSI team is looking for cans of tainted Chunky Soup in his trashcan right now.

The next obvious question would be, what is Tom Cruise's reaction to all of this? We all know that Cruise was upset with Brooke Shields when she took anti-depressants. So is Cruise going to reach out to T.O. or is his relationship with Redskins owner Daniel Snyder going to make him remain silent? We will have our answer if Cruise recommends more drugs.

Bottom line, don't be ashamed for wondering about fantasy league ramifications. People have enough real-life worries without being concerned about NFL players who are either crying out for help or really desperate in their attempts for publicity. Either way, it is a sad story and people should be thankful for what they have and whom they didn't draft in their fantasy league.

The comments section is bugging out (what's new) so feel free to visit
The Hater Nation Forums.

ESPN erroneously reported during his Monday Night Football telecast that the Birds were going to replace Kurt Warner at quarterback with Matt Leinart. Turns out that it is not true. Dennis Green might have thought about it (as is natural in team sports), but that didn't stop ESPN, trying to remain relevent in the change climate of sports reporting, from running with the conjecture. (And they acuse other blogs of being irresponsible.)

Funny thing though, it turns out that the Cardinals are goign to go with Warner as their starting quarterback on Saturday.

So how does ESPN report the news: “Cards Change Mind.” Really? Outside of the fabrication of Chris Mortensen, when exactly did the Cardinals change their mind? The Cardinals never announced they would start Leinart, despite the misconceptions set forth by the World Wide Leader. Maybe the headline should read, “ESPN Tries To Cover Its Butt.” Shameful, but not surprising seeing that the same network broadcast a complete fabrication of the path to 9/11.

You know it is a big game when Ed “Big Guns” Hochuli is officiating. But here is a question that I have. NFL players get fined all of the time for not wearing a proper uniform. Players can’t wear cutoff jerseys or have their socks too low. The league has an official watching uniforms every game. So why in the hell does Big Guns get to wear an altered referee uniform? The sleeves hang past the elbow on all of the officials, but Eddie is running around with a practically sleeveless referee jersey. Like he is AC Slater or something. Or maybe Ed is wearing a child’s medium jersey, but in any event, he should be required to wear the same uniform as everybody else. Jerk!

Speaking of Eddie Guns, I personally would have liked to have seen a mug-off between him and Bono. Put them in a cage and watch them fight to see who could get the most airtime. Are there two people on this planet more in-love with their own voices than Eddie Guns and Bono? Oh, and nice musical selection, NFL. You jerks. When you think of the great jazz history of New Orleans, you think of U2 and Green Day. Yeah, yeah, Edge is helping buy guitars for people. Big deal. This was supposed to be about New Orleans. And isn't it curious that a large section of those affected in New Orleans were African American, but where was the Hip Hop representation? Kanye West wasn’t there. New Orleans native Master P wasn't there. Hell, even the Saints weren’t allowed to wear black jerseys. Jerks.

But I would be remised, when talking about mugging, if I didn’t mention an Archie Manning sighting. Is there an opportunity he won't pass up? It’s kind of ironic that Archie was in the building, seeing that he was like the Hurricane Katrina of Saints quarterbacks. That hurricane didn't come close to doing the amount of damage that Archie did during his tenure in the dome.

The game itself was a snore. Good God, there hasn't been a team that shutdown Mike Vick like that since his opponent in those Brisco County High School ads for Nike. (If you start a Falcons receiver in fantasy football, you deserve to lose each week. Just thought I'd throw that out there.) They also picked the wrong opponents for the Saints, too. They should have had the Cowboys in this game. America's team against the so-called America’s team. With T.O. there would have been a chance he could have done something totally tasteless when he scored a touchdown like poured a water bottle on the Saints logo, fake defecation in a box in the end zone corner, or maybe he could have looted a loaf of bread from underneath the goal post. At least the game would have been interesting.

And while I'm on a rant here, let’s just say you can see how much the hard times have hit Reggie Bush's family as they are now dressed worse than they were when he was in USC. He obviously isn’t making as much money now.

I would also be remised if I didn’t mention that the broadcasters wanted me to break the levees again. It might have been worth the damage to the city if we could have trapped Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann indefinitely in the Super Dome. Tirico, during the showing of pictures of devastation, kept talking about how, "you could never imagine this happening in America." Oh really, Mike? Have you never seen Cabrini Green in Chicago? Downtown Detroit? It happens in America all the time, Mike. This is just the only time you will admit that it does. And Theismann, for the second time in as many weeks, was saying that you can’t win the NFL without big receivers. This coming from a guy who won a Super Bowl with a receiving corps known as “The Smurfs.” Idiot.

I am just glad it is over. The Saints can go back to losing and the rest of you can now turn a blind eye as Tom Benson moves the team to Anaheim. Jerks.

Complain about this Hater Nation Forums

Where is your Messiah now? Eli is easily the best garbage time quarterback in the history of the NFL. Eli had three interceptions when the game was on the line in the first half. He followed that up with three touchdown passes when his team was down by 38 points. The national and New York media have killed Alex Rodriguez for padding his stats in non-clutch situations.

Eli is worse.

Much, much worse.

Even last week's game against the Eagles was a fluke. Eli had no problem heaving the ball when his team trailed Philadelphia by 17 points. Eli certainly would have found the hands of an Eagles receiver if the game was on the line. Even the game-winning touchdown pass was dangerously under-thrown and had it not been for a great athletic play of Plaxico Burress, that ball should have been picked.

You can't help by feel like Frank Grimes from The Simpsons when you hear the broadcast professionals (and Joe Buck) rave about Eli. Are they watching the same footage? How is it clear to anybody watching football that Eli is a fraud, but the guys paid to dole out their "expert" opinion can't see through this façade? No matter how much Buck and Troy Aikman want to lead viewers to believe that Eli was mounting "another great comeback," he was merely padding his fantasy football stats. Eli was a total non-factor and just a chip off of his losing father’s block.

• Jeremy Shockey may be a lot of things, but he is right when it comes to the Giants coaching staff. They have been completely undressed by the Eagles and Seahawks. But when Shockey is pointing his fingers, he ought to take a look at his quarterback, too.

• Congratulations to the Giants for finally taking Seattle's 12th Man out of the game by going down by 38 points. Nothing deflates a crowd faster than having an opposing football team roll over on its back and piddle on itself. That would be like cheering on the Seahawks to beat an eighth-grade flag football team.

• Is there a safer place to work in American than FOX? Think about it. They could never be the target for a terrorist organization because nobody has done more to inflict more pain on American than the FOX broadcasting. Who would you rather see in Camp X-Ray, Joe Buck or Bin Laden? The sad part is that you had to pause to think about it.

• Why does Carson Palmer hate his receivers? He gets Chad Johnson laid out last week and Chris Henry on Sunday. Oh, and did you happen to catch Henry's celebration following his second touchdown? Nice throw into the stands. It is surprising that he was not flagged for taunting Vince Young's throwing motion.

• Chris Simms had a ruptured spleen that had to be removed. Had to be his liaise faire upbringing.

• Congratulations to Europe for winning the Ryder Cup. Now lets see one of you wankers try to challenge Tiger Woods in a major championship. The Ryder Cup is only cool when the U.S. wins it.

• You can go away now: Dolphins.

• The Birds must be the most disappointing team right now. Legendary quarterback Kurt Warner fumbled away the game in the closing minutes, this coming on top of three interceptions. The crowd in Arizona is already calling for Matt Leinart, but they should not be so hasty. That offensive line is bad. The play-calling is horrible. Is it possible to have too many offensive weapons? Now Edgerrin James is calling for the football. It is turning into a bad situation, exasperated by a coach who really doesn’t get the most out of his talent. It is going to be sad watching them piss away this season.

• When the Angels fail to reach the playoffs this year, blame the front office. Arte Moreno has suggest that the team will be spending more money this offseason. It's time to finally make good on that promise. The good news is that the Dodgers are trailing in both the wild card and divisional playoff game.

• The Buccaneers are obviously going to need a new quarterback and only one name comes to mind, Tommy Maddox. That noise you just heard was Scott from Bucstats jumping off a ledge.

• Got to like the way that Panthers coaches really stuck it to the Buccaneers by having Keyshawn Johnson score twice, doubling his touchdown output Keyshawn had as a member of the Bucs. Oh, and they also stuck it to them by, you know, ripping up the quarterback’s spleen and stuff.

AND FINALLY
Congratulations to Notre Dame for clinching its BCS berth with its comeback over Michigan State? Is it the imagination running wild, or does MSU go up big on Notre Dame every year, only to fall apart at the end?

The Irish are now moving into the SEC-like preseason portion of its schedule where it will play the military academies, Stanford and any junior college they can get into South Bend. The Irish will have a date with the pathetic Bruins (who started their annual November swoon early this year) and get beat badly at USC. But it won’t matter. Notre Dame will have another two-lose season, entitling them to lose in their BCS game. Much like Oakland will likely choke in the AL divisional playoffs.

Everyone likes talking about parity ruining the NFL, but the real problem with the league is the large number of truly lousy teams out there, not the handful of just mediocre ones.

There were four games on Sunday featuring two 0-and-2 teams, each team deserving of their record. Add to that the two games between lousy 1-and-1 teams (the Cardinals and Jets games).

That’s 12 crap teams right there, and I’m not even counting the 49ers or Browns. Or the Raiders, who might be the worst of the bunch.

Half the league can just about give up their playoff hopes already, three weeks into the season. That’s not parity, that’s embarrassing. It pisses me off, and it makes Joe Paterno sick to his stomach.

What is happening to the league when Rex Grossman and Brad Johnson are the QBs for two of the better teams in the NFC? When JP Losman is starting? Christ.

It’s not just the bottom of the league that’s lousy. Last year’s Steelers might have been the most pedestrian Super Bowl winners of the past 15 years.

There is an upside: the NFL is still 1000% better than baseball. Won’t that f’ing season end already?

Ryder Cup Update: Sergio Garcia was great on Friday and Saturday, but gagged and lost on Sunday. Just like he does every week on the PGA tour.

Ad Report Card: I saw 94 commercials on Sunday for a new Robin Williams movie, “Man of the Year,” where I guess he plays a comedian who becomes President. Yet more unbelievable crap from Hollywood.

Williams becoming Prez isn’t the unbelievable part – recent history shows that any dude with a history of cocaine use can get the job now. But Robin Williams playing a funny comedian? Now that’s unbelievable. Dude, you suck. Call me when Mork & Mindy comes to the big screen, otherwise go away, jerk.

The Angels magic number is 11.

The Ryder Cup starts this weekend and that can mean only one thing—gratuitous shots of the hot wives and girl friends in the crowd. You really have to hate professional golfers. They get all of the perks of being a professional athlete—hot chicks and money—but they really don’t have to put their body on the line. Hell, some of them don't even work out their body at all. Instead, they get guaranteed money to play the nicest courses in the world and get to marry beautiful women.

And you even get the feeling that most golfers don't care if they win or lose. They are more than happy to allow Tiger Woods to win all the tournaments, to just keep cashing those sponsor paychecks, make that tournament money and go home to your hot wife. It is actually in a golfer’s best interest to keep Tiger winning because it increases ratings and tournament payouts. So they win for losing.

And of course, there is the thing about the hot wives.

For more on this developing story, see The Wade Blogs.

• Tiger Woods was a little upset this week following an Irish tabloid running doctored photos of his wife, Elania (pictured), claiming that she had done porn. Yes, terrible, terrible story. So, um, where exactly can you find these fake photos?

• Is there any less surprising news than Joe Namath's daughter being a home wrecker? Well, only if it was the husband of Suzy Kolber.

• The Carolina Panthers are traveling to Tampa Bay this weekend. Do you suppose there will be drunk guys stationed all over Tampa-area restrooms on the look out for lesbian Panthers cheerleaders? The NFL has such few traditions, this certainly should become one. The University of Georgia and the University of Florida have the largest cocktail party in the world. The Panthers and Buccaneers could have the largets, ah, nevermind.

• Seriously, is Cris Collinsworth mailing it in this year on NFL.com?

• Injury update: News out of Pittsburgh this week is that Ben Roethlisberger is going try to play this week with a temperature of 987 degrees! Oh wait, that was 98.7. The way Roethlisberger exaggerates his injuries, we are going to find out that Big Ben was riding a Honda Spree (wearing nothing but a pair of splats) when he ran into some old lady's Rascal.

• This weeks NFL lock: Take Bye (-6) and give the points against the Raiders.

• St. Louis defensive end Anthony Hargrove was an unexcused absence from meetings and practice on Thursday, and the team has been unable to locate him. Hope he didn’t go swimming.

• Your moment of Bish: What was The Bish's reaction to that great Dodgers game on Tuesday morning? Well, nothing. He weighed in on Wednesday. But that didn't stop Old News Bish from ramping up the hyperbole. The Bish said that Monday's game was the greatest game in Dodgers Stadium history, even comparing it to Kirk Gibson's home run. Yeah, it was just like that, except for the fact that it was a regular-season game and the Dodgers dropped the next series to the Pirates (as predicted in this space). All Gibson did was lead the Dodgers to a World Series title.
  
  But you can't really be mad at the Bish. Being mad at the Bish for writing horrible columns would be akin to being upset at him for not being able to play power forward for the Lakers. He is just not good at what he does. You have to blame the sports editor at some point. But he tends to just sit in the corner with a wad of tobacco wedged in his cheek, surfing the Net to make sure nobody is "Dishing the Bish." The sports editor makes Michael Scott from The Office seem like an effective leader.

• The Yankees Jason Giambi has a torn wrist ligament; probably resulting from stabbing Alex Rodriguez in the back. Enjoy it now, Yankees fans, because A-Rod won't be there forever. Arte Moreno is going to spend some money this offseason. Tim Salmon and Garret Anderson were mentioned by A-Rod as two guys who defended him through the booing. Do the math.

• College locks of the week: Take UCLA, give the points; take Michigan and give the points; take Boise State and give the points. To make life easier, there is now a Bet US link on the left so you can make some money. Your pro lock is going to be Ravens (-6½).

AND FINALLY
A fan ran into Bengals receiver Chad Johnson at a book store (for a Bisheff autograph signing?) and told him and Carson Palmer to do well because both of them were on his fantasy team. Johnson pulled out his phone, dialed Palmer, handed the guy the phone and said, "Tell him yourself." The startled fan left a message, but a bemused Palmer called Johnson back, who tracked down the fan and had him repeat the message. Hey, that kind of beats Marcus Allen hitting on your friend or having Jim Kelly tell you to "shut it down," right? Wow, maybe it’s time to rethink the whole Chad Johnson thing.

Especially after Johnson said that the hit by Browns defensive back Brian Russell was a clean hit. Johnson said that the Brownsy had been out to get more for a while and, "It's about time they hit me."

Yeah, Chad Johnson is a cool guy. Too bad the rest of the team (save Palmer) is a bunch of (expletive).

Link and thanks to Benny over at The Sports Pulse.

The Yankees celebrated their loss to the Blue Jays by pouring champagne over each other, pounding beers and taking swigs of whiskey. How was that different from any other post-game Yankees party? Oh, that's right, the Yankees clinched the AL East for like, what, the 20th consecutive year? Funny, Yankees fan likes to say that they only recognize World Series titles, but there seems to be a lot of celebrating going on.

It would have been cool to have been in that room, though. Not because these celebrations are cool. In fact, they are kind of dumb. Because the teams will again celebrate like this when the first-round is completed. (Could you imagine NFL teams celebrating with champagne after a wild card win?) No, it would have been cool to see a tipsy Jason Giambi, buzzing on a nice mix of cheap champagne, a couple of Coors Lights and Winstrol go over to Alex Rodriguez, put his arm around him and confess his love. Kind of like that one drunk fan that hangs out at Cal State Fullerton games.

"Alexsh, I loff yoush. You are the beshhhhhhhhht. You and me, were the beshhhhhhhht. We're the beshhhhhhhhht hittersh. But we're good right? I wash only trying to help yoush. Tancredi!"

You know it had to be a touching moment. Right before Giambi tried to dance with A-Rod's wife before he passed out in the middle of the clubhouse while his teammates surrounded him with syringes and took pictures.

So the Yankees are in, and here is a memo to the rest of the American League; If you don't think you can beat the Yankees, then you had better just loose out the string and let the Angels into the playoffs. Looking directly at you, Oakland. The A's are like your college buddy who would see a hot girl in a bar and say, "I've got dibs on her." Then he would spend the better part of the night trying to hit on that girl, but never get anywhere. That’s the Oakland A’s.

Congratulations to the Dodgers for not only falling to second place in the NL West, the Phillies have tied the club for the wild card. Glad to see that the Dodgers were able to capitalize on that captivating win on Monday night.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



Yes, it seems a little foolish to say the Chargers are not going to make the Super Bowl. Especially since Peter King thinks they are going to make it. Hey, if King picks your team they are a lock.

Or maybe not.

It is easy to make these predictions after the season has started. Luckily the NFL season hasn’t started for the Chargers, yet. The opening two weeks of the season were the equivalent of playing exhibition games. The opening two weeks of the Chargers season was as soft as an SEC teams non-conference schedule. And it really hasn’t proven anything.

Actually, the Raiders victory proved that the Chargers are not ready to make the leap. Marty Schottenheimer, who is so conservative he falls to the right of Sean Hannity, took a 13-0 lead and sat on the ball for an entire second half. You can do that against the Raiders. You can’t do that against an NFL team. If you have so much confidence in Philip Rivers that you will allow Drew Brees to walk to New Orleans, then at least have the confidence in him to throw the ball downfield.

The Chargers opened up the offense a little bit against the Titans. But that was more a result of who the Titans had playing quarterback, instead of a trust in Rivers. If you think that was a step forward for the Chargers, wait until they play the Ravens. Marty’s boldness will disappear faster than Tucker Carlson’s bow tie. No, this is the same old Marty. And no matter how dominant that defense is, he will never put enough trust in his offense to go win him a Super Bowl.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, Cowboys, 49ers, St. Louis and Colts.

Sports Illustrated has a pretty good story on Alex Rodriguez that quotes a bunch of anonymous Yankees talking about how lousy the reigning AL MVP is. The one player who was on the record was Jason Giambi who confronted A-Rod during a recent slump, telling him to snap out of it.

That’s great Juiceambi. Although it is hard to imagine A-Rod telling you to stick the needle back in your ass when you weren’t hitting your HGH-induced weight last season. Can’t recall hearing A-Rod uttering a peep when you cried and apologized for, wait, what were you apologizing for again? Nor did A-Rod saying anything when you obviously went back on performance-enhancing drugs last season (allegedly).

No Rodriguez has been the epitome of class. If there was ever somebody who should lash out on juiced up sluggers, like Giambi, it should be A-Rod. Instead he continues to put up MVP-type numbers every year. It’s a joke.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



It would be easy to sit here and make fun of Peyton Manning and his inability to win the big game. So that is exactly what is going to happen. Yes it is the obvious way out. Obvious like a Manning playoff loss.

Manning’s playoff futility is becoming something of legend. Manning’s playoff career closely resembles that of Charlie Brown trying to kick the football out of the hold of Lucy Van Pelt. Each time Charlie/Peyton believe the time has come—and each time he ends up lying on his back wondering what happened.

The entire blame shouldn’t fall on Peyton’s shoulders though. Give some discredit to his coach Tony Dungy—the black Marty Schottenheimer. It’s not to say that Dungy is wound too tight, but the dude did call for an onsides kick during the first play of the Colts preseason game. No, he’s not high-strung at all when it comes to coaching. Maybe if Peyton is lucky, the Colts will run Dungy off and bring in Jon Gruden to win a Super Bowl title. It worked in Tampa Bay.

The Colts believed they did the next best thing by brining in the most clutch kicker in the NFL. Surely the mere presence of Adam Vinatieri would make the Colts a little more clutch right? Or maybe an anvil would fall on his head. Or ankle problem with his plant foot; or the groin problem he as developed. It appears when it comes to choking, Manning and Dungy can bring out the worst in anybody.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, Cowboys, 49ers and St. Louis.

Or that is the impression that you get listening to the local sports talk radio today. There must have been a lot of confused sports fans who felt it was October already considering the way the Dodgers were carrying on. But when you last world championship came in 1988, it is only natural to take any small victory where you can get it. And true, the Dodgers haven't really had much success against the Padres this season, so it was no surprise to learn that the Dodgers clubhouse attendant was racing out for champagne.

Just kidding. Like you could find a restaurant or bar near Dodger Stadium. The only thing you could hope for is a few empties behind the LAPD shooting range next door.

It was a good win for the Dodgers. Not exactly erasing a five-run deficit in Game 6 of the World Series, but it was nice for them. And it hardly won the NL West for them last night, as one follicle-challenged co-worker championed. (And to be fair, the dude doesn’t really follow sports that closely, so it is understandable how he can get wrapped up in hyperbole.)

No, if you spent any amount of time watching the Dodgers this season, it is pretty clear that this team will not be able to capitalize on this momentum, likely losing the upcoming series at Pittsburgh. It’s coming.

It likely won’t make Chiefs fans much better to know that Chad Johnson was bloodied on Sunday. But you have to figure they will be sick to know that Browns cornerback Brian Russell will likely be fined for the hit. Maybe he should claim that Eddie Kennison pushed him into Johnson.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



There had been a movement afoot in the NFL to have the St. Louis football team change its moniker to something more appropriate—the St. Louis Al Qaeda. That way, if St. Louis wins a football game, the terrorists have won. That is the only way to describe owner Georgia Frontiere, the worst owner in professional sports history. She is an NFL terrorist. Think Marge Schott without the winning personality or smoker’s cough. Frontiere isn’t even alive. Word is, she survives in some sort of Terri Shiavo-like state of existence. The only time she regains consciousness is to cash yet another paycheck or taunt the football fans of Southern California.

There are those who will say that Georgia had the worst stadium deal in the NFL, and she had no choice but to abandon Anaheim Stadium to take the lucrative offer from St. Louis. But that is a mistake. In fact, Georgia should have picked another owner to marry and murder. Like she couldn’t have married Clint Murchison, Jr. who died of natural causes in 1987. She could have been the owner of the Cowboys had she not stumbled into the wrong hotel room when she was whoring herself out during owners meetings during the 1970s.

Sorry St. Louis fans, the devil already gave Georgia her one Super Bowl and completed the contract they had. Now the team is doomed to walk the rest of the days without any hope of winning a Super Bowl. Kind of like the Browns.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, Cowboys and 49ers.

The Raiders finally score, two NFC playoff contenders are seemingly out of the race and the Messiah rises from the dead. But the top story in the NFL, just how good are the San Diego Chargers?

The Chargers are the first team since the 1977 Oakland Raiders to pitch a shutout in the first seven quarters of the season. And really, Vince Young only got into the end zone because the Chargers were playing a soft zone after dominating the Titans all day. But is this defense legitimate?

Take a look at the competition—the Raiders and the Titans. Here is how bad the Titans are; they started a quarterback the Raiders didn’t think was good enough to play for their team. The Raiders brought Jeff George into camp this year as they let Kerry Collins walk away. It is a great start of the season, but there is still a lot of work to do with the Chargers before you start booking your tickets to Miami. (Those will be addressed during the finale of the Super Bowl Buzz Kill this week.) The Chargers will get their answer when they play host to Pittsburgh on October 8.

• How good was Eli’s comeback for the Giants? Eh. It seemed more like the Eagles choked rather than Eli leading a comeback. The Giants game-winning touchdown was more of a jump ball and a great athletic play by Plaxico Burress. Still that won’t preclude the talking heads of the NFL from declaring the Messiah as, well, the second coming. Thanks for nothing Philly. But as painful as it is to see the media gush over Messiah, it is equally as funny to see them make excuses for Donovan McNabb—who incidentally chokes so much, you are almost lead to believe that Archie Manning knocked up some Nubian princess.

• Even John Madden had to pipe in during the Cowboys/Redskins game to say that Messiah is going to be something. Hey John, you did the Manning Bowl last week. You can actually go an entire game without talking about the Manning family. Even Steve Tasker swooned about Peyton during the Ravens/Raiders game. Yeah, nice job beating up on the Houston Texans, Peyton. They should just allow Manning to play a bunch of fifth graders and then all of the NFL talking heads can get together and just rave about Manning’s poise.

• The Carolina Panthers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are done for the season. Only one team in the past three seasons has started 0-2 and gone on to the playoffs. And the Falcons and Saints are 2-0, with one of them will be 3-0 after next week’s Bono Bowl. Chris Simms might be the worst quarterback not wearing a Raiders uniform in the NFL.

• Speaking of the Raiders, it looks like the Andrew Walter era is set to begin as the Raiders scored six points (that means the Raiders will be ready to score 54 points in week 11). The Ravens have made a lot of changes since they won Super Bowl 35. But they still have that one play left in the playbook called, “Jump on the Raiders quarterback and break his shoulder” play. Stupid Ravens, though, Aaron Brooks was on the verge of setting an NFL record for fumbles after losing the football in two of his first three plays. It could have been a record-breaking day.

• The Angels are done and its not much of a surprise. Look for the Angels to bank on signing only one slugger this offseason and then not having a back-up plan if they lose him. Hey Dodgers, who is your Padre? The Padres are in first place and should take control of the lead on Monday.

• When Brent Lushberger labels an USC running at the next Reggie Bush, does he mean that he is going to take $100K from an agent?

• Somebody needs to let Madden know that the Redskins/Cowboys rivalry is done. Madden was throwing out all of the clichés on Sunday night with “these teams don’t like each other” and “the intensity for this game is pitched up a little bit because its Cowboys and Redskins.” That might have been true in the 1970s when players played on the same team for a generation. But you get the feeling that former 49ers cornerback Mike Rumph and former St. Louis safety Adam Archuleta give a damn about beating the Cowboys? Well, not like they need to worry about beating the Cowboys this year, but you get the point.
  

• The Terrell Owens era in Dallas just blows. He needs to start openly campaigning for Tony Romo or throw some powder in Bill Parcells' eyes. Something. Now he’s got a bust hand, obviously from too much masturbation. Kind of like that hand model that George Costanza replaced on Seinfeld.

AND FINALLY
Nobody gives you college-betting winners like THN. Another perfect week as both Notre Dame lost and USC failed to cover (depending on when you fired in). But that Auburn/LSU game was a joke as predicted in this space. Nice offense. How can the AP voters justify putting Auburn ahead of USC? It is obvious that the writers don’t watch West Coast games, but do they even watch the SEC games? How anybody could watch that Auburn game and think they were a Top 10 team, let alone No. 2 is beyond comprehension.

Congratulations to Boise State who finally cracked the Top 25. The Broncos could go undefeated but will be left out of a BCS bowl because one-loss teams like Notre Dame will be given the nod.

There had been serious consideration given to pulling the plug here at THN. With the Raiders being as bad as they are, it is just not that much fun to talk about them. When the Sports Dork, Bill Simons, starts to run the same jokes THN ran in February, it could be time to find some new material. But thankfully most of their fans continue to be some of the worst in the NFL as seen here.

The best part about Raiders fans (not including Jessica Alba) is that they enjoy the image of being the hard-core fans, until you call them out on it. Then they seem somewhat indignant about the whole thing. So don’t fret, THN will continue to live on and fight the forces of evil.

• Quick question, if Reggie Bush is forced to give up his Heisman Trophy, does it automatically go to Fred Goldman?

• Separation Saturday should just be renamed the Pac 10/Big XII challenge. It is time for the rest of the Pac 10 to show that they are a viable conference. The East Coast (meaning anything east of Las Vegas) tends to view the Pac-10 as USC and the nine twerps. It has to stop today. Oregon really needs to snot-kick Oklahoma. A close victory does nothing, they need to win huge and not so confident that they can pull it off. But the picks today are Notre Dame (huge) and Nebraska to cover. Here go make some money.

• The LSU and Auburn game seems like the most least interesting game of the year. *Yawn* The Mater Dei v. Mission Viejo game on Thursday night was more intriguing. And really, have we come to the point where they need high school games on TV? What’s next televising T-ball championships? So now we have to worry about agents coming on to high school campuses to recruit? That’s great.

• Take Eli Messiah and the Giants to win at Philadelphia this week. Never bet against a desperate (but good) team in the NFL. The Giants were picked by some to go to the playoffs (not here, but still) and if that is true, there is no way they start 0-2 with a date at Seattle looming next week.

Is there a tragedy that U2 will not turn into a media whoring event? U2, along with Green Day, will help reopen the Superdome when the Saints play host to the Falcons a week from Monday. Because when you think of New Orleans, you think of U2. It's going to be a busy couple of weeks for U2, who have unfortunately not figured out a way to cash in on the death of the Crocodile Hunter.

Wikipedia Fun Fact: New Orleans was founded by Irish settlers in 1945 who were looking to escape their country’s horrible rock music. New Orleans is actually Gaelic for "Self important jack ass" which explains why Bono has such an affinity for the place.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



Norv Turner.

NFL commissioner Opie Goodell does not have your back. The league will not fine or suspend Bengals Robert Geathers for his vicious hit on a defenseless Trent Green. The league reasoned that Green was not important enough to really be worth any trouble.

"Let me tell you, if Green had a dad who was a former quarterback or a brother playing quarterback in the league, we would have thrown the book at Geathers," said league spokesman Brian Gooberman. "Do you think we are going to go out of our way to protect a guy like Green? He has gray hair for crying out loud. Our commissioner dies his hair, and this quarterback thinks he doesn't have to? If anything, Geathers did us a favor."

Other low profile quarterbacks such as Chad Pennington, J.P. Losman, Brad Johnson, etc. have all been put on notice.

Almost a witness to history. In fact, it would have been something never seen by these eyes before.

The Angels were four outs away from not leaving a runner on base this season—something that has been extremely rare this season.

Oh yeah, Freddy Garcia was close to a perfect game or something. Not that Chicago fans sitting nearby weren’t reminded about after ever batter following the end of the fifth inning. It would have been cool to see a no-no. Especially with a couple from Scotland joining the party. It would have been cool for them. Kind of like an American going out to London, catching a Premiere League game and seeing a goal scored.

After Conrad Bain weighed in the Broncos, THN turned to another guest columnist for the latest version of the SBBK, Mr. Greg Louganis.

Hello America. I'm writing from the moist, dank confines of the man's chest himself. And I'm here to inform you, with two sweaty reasons, why America's Team won't win the Super Bowl.



Number One: Bill Parcells. He just doesn't know how to call a pass play, as was demonstrated in the Cowboys' choke job against Jacksonville on Sunday. Third-and-14? No problem. We'll run the ball and settle for a field goal. But wait, we don't have a kicker, as the "Idiot" is at home on the couch. You know, a lot of people question fellow C-cup-sized slob Phil Michelson for his ability to choke away golf tournaments, but give Lefty some credit for doing a bit of gambling. The same cannot be said for Tuna Tits, who calls run up the middle after run up the middle despite having the game’s best receiver in Terry Glenn.

And another thought on Parcells: What’s with the nasty cleavage? Seriously, you’d think Jerry Jones would sick his personal plastic surgery squad on the Tuna to get that chest tightened up a bit. You know, kind of like how Jones had his face stretched a bit.

Number Two: Maybe Parcells never calls pass plays because his quarterback is so horrible. I mean, Drew Bledsoe is seriously starting to look like Brett Fahhhhhvv-RAH, with missed throw after interception after sack. The guy’s about as mobile as this guy. If Bledsoe could actually get the ball on target, he’s got the best receiving corps in the league with Glenn and Jason Witten. Oh, and then there’s that other guy, but he won’t last. And of course, Bledsoe’s got the breast coach in the league. Ok, Ok, that was stupid.

So, in essence, for the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl, Tuna needs to drop from a C-cup to an A-cup, grow a pair B-cups with the passing game, and drop his D-minus quarterback, all of which won’t happen as long this is accepted in American culture.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, and Cowboys.

Greetings, the Hater Nation. I am Conrad Bain, and I am here to tell you why the Denver Broncos will not win the Super Bowl.



Before doing so, I'd like everyone to try an exercise pertaining to Method Acting. It's called the Polar Bear Game, and it's something we thespians do to strengthen our control over our perceptions. The rules are deceptively simple: just sit down in a chair in a quiet room by yourself and try to not think of a polar bear. Think of anything you want, but no white bears.

Sounds easy, right? It's not. Most of you will be sitting in that chair for weeks, because the more you tell your mind not to imagine a polar bear, the more your mind's eye will see the f-ing bear. Should you ever succeed in getting the bear to go away, the next drill is called the Nick Nolte Game. Try to think of Nick Nolte and not picture this.



So what does this have to do with Denver's Super Bowl chances? Who knows!

A collegue recently wondered aloud why so many people dislike Jake Plummer. Good question. I mean, it's not as if he viciously attacked a female columnist or anything, right?

Uh, that was one incident. One incident, people. Besides, Jake Plummer loves Denver. He would never say anything bad about Broncos fans. He would never say something like, "they aren't that great."

What? To the same reporter? Hmmm. But still, that's nothing to be upset about. It's not like he flipped off the stands at Mile High...

You're kidding me.

Bottom line, Jake's got no one to blame but himself for his growing rep as a dirt lip. It's been a while since I last perused my copy of The Encyclopedia of Bad PR Moves, but I'm guessing "Flip Off Your Fans" is ranked right up there with "Ask The Arresting Officer If He Is A Jew," or "Dare The Insurgents To Bring It On."

We won't even get into the one titled "Go Bonkers And Attack The Car Behind You."

Bad as Plummer's extracurricular antics may seem, things haven't been much better on the gridiron. Forget the fluffy stats he's racked up against tomato cans like the Raiders and Chargers. Going into the playoffs last year, the Donks had all the stars aligned for them: a healthy roster, home field advantage, and a banged-up Patriots team set for implosion. Amidst the volley of fansturbation that followed Denver's win over New England, few noticed that their man had put up the worst numbers of any QB in the second round. That's a shame. If Bronco fans had pondered the tendency of Jake The Snake to become Jake The Shrinky Dink under the influence of heat, they would've been emotionally prepared for the dump Pittsburgh took on them.

But enough about the past. This year, with the signing of Jay Cutler and the pressure on Plummer tweaked even higher, Jake will surely come back and respond with every drop of game he has in him.

Start warming up, Jay.

How is it possible that the Raiders are worse than last year? They might not score a single point this season. You can check out more here. Or you can pile on the Raiders here.

And be sure to vote in our Hater Poll on the left.

Finish this quote by Dan Dierdorf:
"The Rams' Leonard Little is single handedly destroying ____."
a) A 12-pack of Bud, and his Lincoln Navigator.
b) Another innocent bystander’s life.
c) The Denver offence.

Answer: C. It's still early in the season for stupid announcer remarks, but this one caught my attention. But I’m still holding out hope for someone to out-do Jim Nantz from this year’s Final Four, when he described LSU’s loss as "a tragedy for Louisiana." Morons.

Another early contender: Al Michaels eagerly playing up Tiki Barber's Hall of Fame credentials. Yeah, well he does play for the Giants. But otherwise, wtf are you talking about, Al?

What product doesn't a Manning brother endorse?
a) Satellite TV service.
b) Cell phone service.
c) Sports drinks
d) Credit cards
e) Enzyte, the natural male enhancement.

Answer: None of the above. "Bob,"
Enzyte's pitchman, is actually the oldest Manning brother, Cooper. It’s true. He's also the only one of the three to ever have an erection, according to Michael Strahan.

The Dallas Cowboys blow a big lead and lose. Where does Joe Buck place most of the blame for this loss?
a) The crappy Dallas defense.
b) Drew Bledsoe and his three crippling INTs.
c) The totally out-coached Bill Parcells.
d) An injured kicker who didn’t play.

Answer: D, Mike Vanderjack. He really did. That's big of you, Joe, taking a tough tone against a player universally thought of as a jerk, instead of stepping up and calling out the untouchable Parcells and the Cowboys for a lousy game. Moron.

What Monday night event will contain the most blatant fiction and outright lies?
a) ABC’s 911 movie - a shameful, Republican-funded rewriting of history.
b) Whatever Pet Goat reading W has to say during his prime-time campaign speech.
c) ESPN playing up the Raiders' season as a return to glory under Art Shell.

Answer: C. Almost a third of Americans still actually believe in Bush, according to polls. That's still more than those who think the Raiders will be competitive this year.

Most clearly overmatched QBs this weekend.
a) Texas Longhorn's Colt McKoy
b) Jake Plummer
c) Whoever the Browns QB is this year.
d) Chris Simms

Answer: Trick question – they all sucked equally.


Did you know, Bud Grant has returned to the Hater Nation Forums. Go ask him about his secrets of black jack.

Sit back and relax, this is an Ed Hochuli penalty explanation-length version of the Post Mortem.

There are some big changes happening in the desert. The Birds displayed a brand new home that was, surprisingly, filled to the rafters with Cardinals fans. Like, they were actually cheering and everything. It was like the Cardinals were one of the cool teams in the league, playing in a real NFL stadium for the first time ever.

But the biggest shock was the new hairstyle of Brenda Warner who ditched the matching crew cut with Kurt. It seems that the arrival of Matt Leinart has not only caused Kurt to step up his game on the field, but now his wife is trying to keep up with famed Leinart gal pal Paris Hilton. The real surprising part is that Brenda doesn't look bad. (Seriously.)

The Cardinals offense looked as good as advertised, too. Warner is still one of the premier quarterbacks in the NFL. None looked better than the former Barnstormer on Sunday. So maybe this is the Birds year.

Or maybe it's just playing the 49ers.

• Is Mike Nolan a gambler? The 49ers coach called for a field goal with 30 seconds left to ensure his team would cover the spread before going for the onsides kick and a touchdown. A sound strategy, but try explaining that to gamblers who took the Birds and gave the points.

• How long is it going to take for FOX to pull the Joe Buck experiment? That was more painful than the Joe Theismann leg snap. That was all sorts of awful. Watching Jack Buck’s corpse on a podium would not have been as bad. And that self-congratulating intro? “Hi, I'm Joe Buck and nobody is more self-satisfied with himself than I am. We will miss James Brown and the only person in the world who could possibly fill his shoes is the great one himself, Joe Buck. So I, Joe Buck, graciously accept one more opportunity to gravy-train off of my father's legacy and subject the world to my smugness.” Not even Frank Caliendo can save this car wreck.

• The Cincinnati Bengals grabbed headlines by being arrested at a Raiders-fan level this offseason, but the hit Robert Geathers delivered on a sliding (and defenseless) Trent Green was criminal. But that was not the worst part as Bengals players taunted the Chiefs bench as Green laid motionless on the ground. It is clear that Marvin Lewis has no control on this team. They make the 1980s Oklahoma Sooners look like a BYU mission team. Lewis tried to claim that Eddie Kennison had pushed Geathers into Green. Don't seem to remember any members of the Bengals buying cheap excuses like that after Carson Palmer was carted off the field in last year's playoffs. It is actually time to start fearing for Palmer’s knee because karma is a female dog.

• The Jay Cutler era will begin against Baltimore on Monday Night Football, October 9. The Broncos will beat Kansas City at home this week before losing at New England to be 1-2.

• There was no sadder display than watching the Cleveland Browns trot out its great players of the past, like Michael Dean Perry. Guess Andre Rison must have been busy.

• Chasing Maris: The man, Ryan Howard hit his 56th homerun of the season. Some skeptics are saying that Howard might be on the juice. Hey, how about turning that critical eye at Hochuli. Can he be natural?

• Boy, the Fighting Irish sure have changed under Charlie Weis. It was only a few years ago that Irish fans were crying about USC's fake punt against them late in the game. Now Notre Dame is running the fake punts. Seems like some team is trying awfully hard to prove that they are in USC's class. (Maybe they should try to prove it against, you know, USC or something instead of lowly Penn State.)

• Raven looked solid on Sunday, even displaying an actual offense and everything for the seemingly the first time in the Brian Billick era. And you thought the coach was insufferable when his team could not score. But don't get too excited, Kyle Boller is just one injury away from starting.

AND FINALLY
It was a tough weekend to be a football fan in the state of Texas. The Texans are still lousy. But look at the bright side, Mario Williams had two tackles while Reggie Bush went ran crazy on the Browns. Nice pick, Houston. How did Dom Davis do?

Terrell Owens was good in his Cowboys debut, but Drew Bledsoe was not. Would like to say that Bledsoe was awful, but that would be a disservice to guys that were. Bledsoe exceeded that. You have to imagine that T.O. would prefer Jeff Garcia right now.

And then there is the University of Texas, who were snot-kicked by Ohio State at home. Once again, college football picks will continue to be provided for readers to bet against.

But all of that pales in comparison to Bill Parcell's chest, which brought real shame to the state of Texas. There hasn't been a bigger pair of boobs that have brought so much shame to Texas since Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong started hanging out.

The Manning clan is the NFL’s first family. First family of losing that is. Archie Manning and his career in New Orleans was the epitome of losing. And his sons have followed in his footsteps.

In the tabbed “Manning Bowl,” you knew that it was going to come down to which Manning would choke first. The experts indicated that Peyton had been in many big games and choked in many big games, so it figured that Peyton would be the one who would choke away this game.

Only Peyton couldn’t even do that right. Peyton even chokes when it comes to losing. Instead it was Eli Messiah who proved to be the biggest choker as he threw away his team’s chances late in the fourth quarter.

When asked which son most exemplified the virtue of being a Manning, Archie was too choked up for words.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



Players chasing individual career marks are always a distraction to a team. And it appears that Brett Favre is going to be the distraction to the Packers. It is clear that Favre is intent on becoming the all-time interception leader, much to the detriment to the Packers. Favre tossed two interceptions against the Bears in the home-opener to put his magic number at 20 for tying George Blanda's all-time mark. (You have to figure that Blanda is spinning in his grave right now.)

The best bet for the Packers would be for Favre to break the record in the next couple of games (something that he has shown that he can do), and then put it behind him. Otherise the Packers are going to become a media circus until that record is set.

That or until the next Favre tragedy occurs. It seems like Favre’s life is like a Rocky movie where somebody seems to die or get sick with every sequel. The Packers have no chance until all of that get settled.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins and Steelers.

It is quite a surprise that some parents groups haven't protested the U.S. Open yet, especially when Maria Sharapova is playing. Sharapova is making the Monica Seles grunting era seem like a Disney Channel movie. Sharapova, on the other hand, is like that scrambled Cinemax channel you kids would "watch" back in the day, longing for that brief second when the screen would be clear. Only that Cinemax movie did not have John McEnroe droning on in the back ground.

Well, at least not all of them anyway.

Defeated opponent Tatiana Golovin might be that protester, though. It appears that Golovin didn't take kindly to Sharapova's, uh, competitiveness.

"It's OK to grunt, but you don't have to be that loud. Like I don't think the ball actually goes faster if she is grunting."

Whatever Frenchie. You let Maria play tennis however she wants to play it. She doesn't need any tips from you. Maybe if Sharapova had a masculine beak like you, she wouldn't have to grunt so loud. (Oh yeah, totally went there.)

• There is a maddening trend in sports where lazy broadcasters refer to injuries only by body part. Steve Smith might miss time with a hamstring. Carson Palmer is coming back from a knee. You get the picture. What would they say if a player was suffering from priapism?

• Did anybody else notice Joey Porter kissing Bill Cowher on Thursday night's broadcast? What happened to the good old days when only washed up quarterbacks tried to kiss sideline reporters? The Michael Strahanization of the league needs to stop now. But after watching Andrea Kramer on the sidelines, Cowher might have been the best option.

• Chasing Maris: Ryan Howard broke up a no-hit bid with his 54th home run of the season on Thursday. He is seven home runs away from tying the all-time mark. And nobody cares about this?

• Marquee Match Up: No, it is not the dreaded Manning Bowl on Sunday. At some point, execs from NBC just have to realize that the Manning brothers are just robots, devoid of any human emotion. It is bad enough that Peyton is challenging John Madden's all-time mark for products pitched, but there is no evidence that he will get over the hump. At least Jake Plummer fans have finally started to realize that he will never win. When will the Manning fans finally wake up? For the record, Texas will snot kick Ohio State this week in the real marquee match up.

• Boise State will play in a BCS bowl game this season. The Broncos have Fresno State at home this season and will walk into the BCS undefeated. Can you smell a West Virginia vs. Boise State final?

• Kobe said that Team USA needs more chemistry. No kidding, especially after Kobe ran off former Team USA member Pau Gasol who eventually won a gold medal for team Spain. Just kidding, but just barely.

• Your Moment of Bish: THN kids The Bish for always being a step behind the times. But he really outdid himself this week. The Bish, in picking the NFC Championship Game participants, chose the Panthers and Seattle. He knows these two teams played last year, right? Good lord, the Bish just picked the Steelers to win Super Bowl 40. BTW (this was stolen from the forums), did anybody notice that he and she have the same hairstyle?

AND FINALLY
An assistant coach for the Lions was arrested for driving thru a Wendy's nude, like he was caught in some Pink Panther movie. And no, it was not Mike Martz. Was he hanging out with Matthew McConaughey or something? Maybe Dateline should have an expose where they try to get NFL coaches to drive to QSRs (fast food joints) naked. Joe Avezzano would probably do it.

And seriously, why can't stories like this be about Sharapova driving around naked and grunting at a drive thru?

Thanks to Bucky and some dude who is not allowed to read this site for pointing that out to me.

So the refs went to the old, "I didn't see a thing," act. Even WWF referees were more observant. You have to figure that Bill Cowher is going to distract a referee at some point this season while Hines Ward throws sand into a defender's face on the way to the end zone. Or maybe a Steelers offensive lineman will use a foreign object. Or maybe Joey Porter will get the refs attention while another defender wrecks the opposing quarterback's knee.

Not that you would want to with Daunte Culpepper handing out turnovers like he was running a bakery. At least Culpepper has to be comfortable in the fact that Joey Harrington is his back up. If it were a real NFL back up, Culpepper could be in some real trouble.

Jeff George is still available if the Dolphins get really desperate. (For now.)

Although don't look for Nick Saban to be decisive in choosing a quarterback. At least not judging from his decision-making ability on when to throw the red flag. What are you waiting for? And geeze, nice toss. Saban looked like Johnny Damon trying to get the ball to second base and coming up way short.

Don't think that the challenge on Heath Miller's touchdown pass didn’t matter. It mattered to hundreds and thousands of fantasy football owners. It impacted guys who could have benefited from another touchdown from Willie Parker. And think about the guys with Miller on their own team. Of course, Charlie Batch could have fumbled on the one-yard line again. Maybe Saban believes that challenges accumulate over the course of a season and he can wait until week 17 and challenge every play from scrimmage.

Oh well, at least he was no belly aching about the officials.

Wikipedia Fun Fact: Cowher was in fact, at one time, a member of the WWF, playing Sergeant Slaughter and Mae Young’s love child.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



It’s become quite a soap opera for the Pittsburgh Steelers this offseason. You all know about Ben Roethlisberger and his refusal to ride a motorcycle with a helmet on. He might as well have gone David Blaine on us and stayed in a tank for three weeks. It couldn’t have been any worse. Then you have questions about Bill Cowher’s motivation to stay on the Pittsburgh sidelines after the recently retired Jerome Bettis threw him under the bus and suggested this was his last season as coach of the Steelers. First-round pick Santonio Holmes showed that he wanted to really be a member of the Cincinnati Bengals after a run-in with the law. It has been quite a couple of months since the Super Bowl.

None of that, however, is as detrimental as the loss of lineman Kimo von Oelhoffen. Now, the common NFL might see von Oelhoffen as just another defensive end. But what happens if the Steelers find themselves in a playoff game against a superior opponent. Who are they going to get to deliberately fall into the opposing quarterback’s leg? Not everybody has the lack of integrity exhibited by von Oelhoffen, and that is something the Steelers should have considered before letting him go to the Jets.


Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, and Dolphins.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



The Dolphins seem to be the critic’s choice. Everybody loves Nick Saban talking about how he is the next Bill Belichick—meaning that husbands in Miami should be suspicious if their wives suddenly develop an interest in Dolphins football. But people need to remember that Daunte Culpepper is on this team.

And Randy Moss is not.

Everybody is quick to point out that the Dolphins went 9-7 last season, but fail to recognize that five of those games were decided by four points or less. Meaning, they wasted a lot of good karma for a crappy season. And if that all wasn’t enough to persuade you, keep in mind that running back Ronnie Brown was the top pick in both THN fantasy football teams this year. Thank you and good night.

It didn’t take Opie Goodell long to start sucking up to the Giants. The new commissioner made his way to the Giants practice facility on Wednesday where he chatted with Tiki Barber, was handed his team jersey and received a hug from Michael Strahan. Rumors have persisted that Goodell is about as faithful as Jude Law, but didn’t realize he might swing that way.

Goodell said that, "He liked the 12th man, but…" But it was unfair to the undisciplined Giants who kept jumping offsides. So now there might be more rule changes coming, just incase, you know, the Giants ever have to play another important game in Seattle.

Funny, he didn’t seem to mind the home field advantage when the Giants fans were given an extra home game while the Saints were searching for a place to play. (And funny, nobody suggested the Giants or Jets play outside of New Jersey following 9/11.)

Goodell would like to explore some other rules options such as: Giants touchdowns count as nine points, Eli Messiah’s interceptions count only as an incomplete pass and the uprights will be expanded to 53-yards when the Giants are lining up for a field goal.



Wikipedia Fun Fact: Goodell played the role of Sam McKinney (son of Dixie Carter’s character) on Diff’rent Strokes.

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



It is true that a Super Bowl runner up has not won the following season since the Tennessee Titans following Super Bowl 34. But the Seahawks play in the NFC West, which should be good for at least four victories (two each against St. Louis and San Francisco). So it can't be that. And it’s not the idiotic Madden curse. John Madden was on the cover of his own game for years. If there really was a curse, Madden would be reduced to a doddering, incoherent old man who rambles aimlessly during broadcasts.

Moving on.

The thing that is going to hurt the Seahawks is the way the team cried about the officiating following the Super Bowl. Now, referees will not hold a grudge and it is stupid to even suggest it. But having coach Mike Holmgren complain publicly shows what a small person he is. Who acts like that? Even soccer moms and Archie Manning would show more restraint. It sends a bad message to your team. Not as bad as say, hiring Art Shell or signing Jeff George. But it is bad.

You must have a new appreciation for Brett Favre considering that he won with that guy. It’s no surprise that Dallas and San Francisco owned his sizeable butt during the 1990s.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals and Cardinals.

The NFL kickoff is just days away, another coma-inducing baseball season is thankfully winding down, and Tiger Woods may or may not be God.

In busy sports times like this, I think it's important to occasionally stepback and look at the bigger picture.

Namely, that Duke sucks.

Look at this quote from Shane "What's Wrong with My Forehead" Battier, following the Greece debacle:

"Give (Greece) credit. They play great basketball. They play like a championplays."

I don't know about that, Shane, but I do know how a champion doesn't play. And that would be by scoring all of one point in the semifinals, despite playing 12 minutes against a bunch of gyro-eating stiffs that couldn't score 50 measly points against Spain two days later. Spain.

But hey, at least Battier got one more point than fellow Duke loser Elton Brand scored that game, in another useless 12 minutes.

Duke's total contribution to the loss: 24 minutes, 1 point, one assist, zero steals. Christ.

To be fair, that's one more point than the one rival North Carolina player (Jamison) on the roster scored - but that's because Coach K didn't let Tar Heel Jamison see one minute of action in the game.

Great job playing favorites with your alum, coach, that strategy really paid off well. Not really.

Not to point out the obvious, but if Coach Karcrash had just picked two half-decent NBA players, instead of Duke flame-outs, the US would've won that game going away, despite an inability to shoot from the outside, terrible coaching, and a complete failure to defend elementary basketball plays like the pick & roll.

Instead, the team has joined Donald Rumsfeld as this month's example of complete and utter American incompetence.

Why does Duke hate America?

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



Do you really need any elaboration? It is the Cardinals. They have a new home, a new attitude and a new running back. There is no way this team could lose, right?

Wrong.

And it’s not just a cursed franchise. That is just stupid. There is no such thing as a sports curse. But as The Usual Suspects’ Verbal Kint might describe the Cardinals, “I don’t believe in curses, but I believe in the inability of Dennis Green.

Green is the black Marty Schottenheimer. Think of all the success Green had in Minnesota—and not just in getting his secretary to abort his love child. (It goes without saying that he had better not be giving Matt Leinart any fatherly advice.) Green was pretty good at getting the Vikings to hover around the 9-7 mark, they even went 15-1 in 1998. But no matter how good the Vikings were in the regular season, they always managed to end the season horrifically in the playoffs. It should be no different for the Birds this season.

If they, of course, even make it that far.

Because you know that Edgerrin James—the hot shot free agent signee—will end up with a season-ending injury early in the year because the Birds are cursed.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers and Bengals

Not sure what the Hooters Casino ever did to deserve the bad wrap that it has received since it opened in February. It is what you would expect from a Hooters, both good and bad. It is pretty clean, the staff is friendly and the girls are running around in orange shorts. It is not the Wynn, but it is not supposed to be. Its bars are pretty good, but the sports book could use a little work.

The only bummer is the crowd Hooters tend to draw. You know, the white trashy and the 30-somehing guys who still act like they are in a fraternity. The kind of guys that wear a baseball jersey with a name like “Thumper 69” and baseball pants to play softball. But those guys, as it was found out during the Notre Dame and Georgia Tech game, are easily neutralized with a round of Bacardi 151 shots.

Hooters Hotel and Casino gets a good recommendation here. The MGM has a really good set up to see all of the games in its sports book. But if you just want to watch a few selected games (they could use more TVs) it is a better option than some of the other casinos in the area.

• THN will continue to provide college football picks. But not for people to follow, instead for those smarter to bet against. USC and Georgia Tech were easy winners, but Utah was truly a let down. Luckily, the Cal and Tennessee game was taken off the board to save further embarrassment/money loss. But what the hell happened to Cal? It seems like they are living off beating USC a couple of years ago.

• It is safe to say that USC is going to be dominant again and only Oregon looks like they can handle the Trojans right now. For a half maybe. Notre Dame’s defense look impressive slowing down Tech, but it is hard to imagine them being able to hang with USC again.

• It’s time to dispel the myth that the SEC is the best conference from top to bottom. The bottom feeders in the SEC are terrible. The top teams are good, but overall the conference is just like the rest of them—a great team, some good teams and some awful teams. And no Tennessee is not a great team. You won a home game you should win (despite the hype), congratulations.

• You can never fault a player for coming out early to the NFL, especially after Louisville running back Michael Bush had his college career ended with a broken leg after only one half in the Cardinals romp over Kentucky.

• ESPN had a lot of different camera views for Monday night’s Florida State v. Miami game. They had the regular view, sideline view, etc. The best one? It was the Cowgirl boob camera.

• Would like to hear an explanation as to why an off-duty cop had engaged Steve Foley, instead of waiting for uniformed backup. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that things would have ended different had the driverd been Phillip Rivers.

AND FINALLY
Ben Roethlisberger is going to miss a couple of games thanks to an appendectomy. The Steelers should have responded by signing Brian Jackson who was arrested for impersonating Roethlisberger last year. He can’t do any worse than Charlie Batch. Seriously, take Jackson in your fantasy draft this week. It will be a hoot.

Where is the love for Ryan Howard? The Phillies first baseman is only eight home runs away from tying the single-season all-time record and yet he is receiving no attention. Ryan hit his 53rd home run of the season, leaving him eight behind all time leader Roger Maris.

Oh yeah, what about Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa? Yeah, not really feeling them anymore. Sure it would be naïve to think that nobody is using steroids (*cough*AlbertPujols*cough*). But baseball is testing right now, so you have to give Howard the benefit of the doubt. Something that can’t be said for Bonds, McGwire and Sosa. It is obvious that Major League Baseball will never admit a mistake (must be taking a cue from President Bush), so it is up to the fans to make the distinction.

Maybe baseball fans can take a cue from the writers of Dallas who long ago wrote off a bad season as a dream. In other words, the tainted accomplishments of Bonds, McGwire and Sosa are obsolete and THN will now be following the “Chasing Maris” story as it develops over the next couple of weeks. As an added bonus, all THN participants are encouraged to sport one of those ridiculous crew cuts that the Maris kids made famous in 1998.

• Your Angels update: The team actually gained two games on Oakland over the holiday weekend, meaning that they will only have to go 28-1 over the final month to move within five games of the A’s. Even Chokeland could not blow this lead.

• You knew Jered Weaver was eventually going to be roughed up like he was against Seattle last week. You didn't know how he was going to respond. Seven shutout innings against Baltimore shows that it really didn’t effect the phenom that much.

AND FINALLY
Tiger Woods was able to chase down Vijay Singh to win whatever tournament Tiger won this week. (Seriously, that was the offcial name of the tourney.) Vijay would be such a perfect foil to Tiger, seeing that he is already established as an (expletive). But it’s hard to take a guy like Vijay seriously seeing that he is afraid of a woman.

One hundred dollars says that the "off duty cop" that shot Chargers linebacker Steve Foley is a Raiders fan. Typical Raiders fan, shoots an unproductive Foley instead of going after Shawne Merriman or LT.

Editor's Note: You can send your angry letters to Lil' Hater, c/o Hell, PO Box 666.

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl:





When it comes to the Super Bowl, the Bengals are more cursed then Vincent Price’s Tiki idol. Never mind the fact that the Bengals have faced the best quarterback in Super Bowl history in both trips to the big game. There is always something that seems to go wrong for the Bengals.

The Bengals couldn’t hold onto the ball in Super Bowl 16, Stanley Wilson decided to pull a Dave Chappelle the night before Super Bowl 23 and Tim Krumrie broke his leg (in Theisman-like fashion) during the game. So when Carson Palmer was injured during the opening minutes of the Bengals playoff loss to the Steelers, it was no surprise. In fact, if the Bengals get close to the Super Bowl again this season, expect an anvil to fall out of the sky and break Chad Johnson’s foot.

Alright, here are the gratuitous Bengals/prison jokes:

The team would have a better chance if Michael Scofield could design a way to break all of the Bengals in prison.

Heard that the team signed Paul Crewe as a backup quarterback.

Happy now?



Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints and Panthers.

Welcome to a special edition of the Weak Ender!

Labor Day weekend will always have a special meaning to THN. For years it meant the kickoff of the NFL season, but that was taken away. But now Labor Day is about the Florida State and Miami game. And nobody could be happier. It was Labor Day one year ago that the world was introduced to Cowgirl. It is a day so momentous, it should be a national holiday.

And people knock Brent Lushburger all the time, but he was the one who made the quip that got her discovered. So maybe it’s time to give Lushburger some credit and stop making him the but of jokes. He did the world a valuable service.


So pour toast with a cold one in honor of ol’ Lushburger tonight.

• Terrell Owens made his Cowboys debut on Thursday night. Not impressive. T.O. didn't yell at his quarterback once. Obviously he is not in mid-season form. At least Mike Vanderjagt provided some entertainment as he missed two overtime field goals showing that he is already in postseason form. If he keeps that up, a suicide watch will be issued for Dallas.
  

• Sadly, Jeff George did not play on Thursday night. Just think, a week ago George was earning money by tossing passes to tourists in the Aladdin Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
  

• Shame on the media for labeling Greece’s victory over the USA in that basketball tournament as an upset. Seriously. Any team coached by Mike Krymmalcxvvbnmski is bound to choke. Just like Duke. But he will probably make a commercial about it.
  

• The Angels and A’s were idle on Thursday night, but Oakland did manage to add another half-game to their lead. Don’t know how that was possible.
  

• Account balance on Utah and the points at UCLA this weekend. It might not even be a bad bet to take the Utes on the money line. USC will struggle early, but should handle Arkansas pretty well. Georgia Tech covers against Notre Dame and Cal runs Tennessee off the field, causing Phillip Fulmer to eat his weight in ice cream and resign.
  

• Your moment of Bish: Dorrell, the Dodgers' J.D. Drew and the Angels' Garret Anderson would be difficult to separate on your basic languid meter. ... So what are you trying to say here, Bish, that Dorrell is boring? Hold on, there’s a call on the phone for you, Bish. It’s the pot and he is saying something about you being black. Seriously, if the Bish is calling you dull, then you have problems. Of course, all of this was a lot more entertaining when T.J. Simers poked fun at Dorrell's dull personality three years ago. But nobody has ever accused the Bish of being timely.
  

AND FINALLY
The Sun Devils are going to need to do a little bit of improvement after deceivingly defeating Northern Arizona, 35-14. It was a lot closer than that. They got rid of Bruce Snyder for this brand of underachieving? You start to wonder if anybody can make it work in Tempe. It’s too early to say that about Chuck Long and San Diego State who lost its home opener. But the Aztecs should be perennial favorites to win the Mountain West every year. There is no excuse for these two schools not to be top programs given their great location, weather and female student population. Cowgirl might never get noticed in schools like these. Cowgirl is hot, but she’d be a seven at places like ASU, SDSU and Cal State Fullerton.