Friday, June 30, 2006

The Weak Ender


You still think life is fair? This young lady, Alex Leigh, was the guest of Colin Montgomerie recently at Wimbledon. Yes, the golfer with the bigger rack than Phil Mickelson and Natalie Gulbis pulled this underwear model. Word is, this is girl is also deaf and dumb and oversexed and she operates a liquor store. (Props if you get that reference.)

You can reason all that you want that golfers are not athletes. But they attract women like they are. Hell, he is pulling better than Michael Strahan.

Hey, what do you want, it's a holiday weekend!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Strahan Stars on Broadway

Michael Strahan is not gay, but his boyfriend sure is. Just kidding. As noted in the New York Daily News today, Strahan has done a pretty good job of downplaying the gay accusations. Instead of holding a press conference to announce he is straight (like Mike Piazza) or impregnating Katie Holmes, Strahan has been pretty cool about the whole thing.

But having the world find out about your liposuction surgery is not going to help those rumors at all. Not that there is anything wrong with that. You can kind of see Strahan’s dilemma. Once weighing in at 275 pounds, Strahan needed to drop a few pounds to get meaner and leaner to keep pace in the NFL.

It's not like the quarterbacks are just going to lay down for him anymore.

And new Last and Ten is ready for you!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Bad Apples

A Raiders fan being drunk and arrested is not really newsworthy. Unless of course that fan is Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose, who was arrested in Stockholm after reportedly biting a security guard on the leg. Appetite for Bouncer anyone? Obviously, Rose was a huge fan of Matt Millen. Rose reportedly bit the security guard after he broke up a fight between Rose and a woman. (Yeah, why should baseball players have all of the fun beating up women?)

Rose faces charges of damaging property, assault and threatening police. Rose was said to be so drunk, he couldn’t even communicate with police who tossed him in the drunk tank, waiting for him to sober up. In other words, it was just your average day in the Raider Nation.

Hey Axl, how about more work on your new album and less biting security guards. Guns N’ Roses hasn’t put out a record since the last time the Raiders won the Super Bowl. Or maybe it just seems that way.

The Hater Nation will keep you updated on this case.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Wimbledon Hates Men

There are leagues that flat-out ignore its core fan base (looking at you WNBA) and pretend that it's the sport that sells. Then there is women's tennis that has thrived in popularity because it features hot women in skimpy outfits. There are those who will try to reason that women's tennis is more popular than the men's because it has better competition and is more compelling.

Those people are idiots.

And, unfortunately, those people are the stuffy Brits in charge of Wimbledon. Officials have warned players like Maria Sharapova, Tatian Golovin and Maria Kirilenko (right) saying they could be disqualified if their clothing deemed inappropriate. Just to be perfectly clear to those officials, nothing worn by Kirilenko should be deemed inappropriate. Ever. If she wants to play tennis in a burlap sack, let her.

Be realistic.

Making sure that Lindsey Davenport is wearing conservative clothing. Good idea. Making sure the Williams sisters are wearing conservative clothing. (Expletive) great idea. (Burqas maybe?)

But like how the NBA always gave Michael Jordan all of the calls, tennis officials need to let superstars like Kirilenko and Sahrapova wear pretty much what they want to.

Colleges Preparing Future NFL QBs

Cal coach Jeff Tedford has developed a knack for turning out quarterbacks who can’t quite make it in the NFL—at least on the field. Tedford’s latest protégé, Steve Levy, has proven that he has the same bad-decision making skills of guys such as Daunte Culpepper, Drew Bledsoe, Brian Griese and Ben Roethlisberger.

The Cal senior was jailed this weekend in San Francisco on suspicion of felony assault for allegedly throwing a pint glass at a doorman who asked him to leave a North Beach pub, police said Monday. Levy has been suspended from football activities.

Levy was involved in a dust-up and was asked to leave the bar when he picked up a pint glass and tossed it, hitting a doorman square in the forehead. Tedford was said to be impressed with Levy's accuracy even though he had already pounded a few beers. Levy spent his junior season as a backup, but Tedford said that he could work his way to the starting lineup if he could continue to hit his receivers between the eyes.

Maybe Levy should just have a few shots before practice to get his skills sharp.

Levy is rumored to be using the famed "Hollywood defense" claiming that he got the idea of hitting the doorman in the face by watching John Moxon in the movie Varsity Blues. Levy was heard yelling, "I don't want your life dad," as he was hauled away to jail.

No word on if Levy ends up with Amy Smart or that slutty cheerleader. If the whip cream bikini scene is not in the YouTube Hall of Fame, that's a crime.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Fun With NFL Shops



Found this via via Office Pirates. You knew this was going to happen eventually. This is kind of low class and really harsh. In other words, we love it. In fact, kind of bummed not to think of it first. It’s not really that bad seeing that Roethlisberger brought this on himself. If this was say, a bloodied Jerome Brown jersey with a Corvette patch, that would be over the line. (But damn funny.)

You can actually get a jersey like this customized at NFL Shops. The only problem is that Toothlessberger is a little too long. (And they might do some sort of Ron Mexico-type of ban on this.) So here are a few suggestions for Browns fans really looking to stick it to the Steelers.

The suggestion here would be to get the white jersey and really bloody this thing up. Rips and teethblack would really sell this concept. Have any suggestions? Leave them in the comments section.




The Post Mortem

The media never ceases to amaze. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen calls a reporter a name and the sporting world tilts off of its axis. Really, has more ever been made out of a non-story like this?

Yet, the White Sox have been accused of cheating by using a center field camera to tip off pitches and nobody cares. Either it was the centerfield camera, or Crash Davis finally made it to the big leagues. But this still remains a non-story because Guillen called a reporter a name.

Of course, the Cardinals might just be whiners. But isn't cheating a bigger issue than calling a reporter a name? Well, not cheating in the sense of steroids because baseball reporters ignored that forever. Maybe if Barry Bonds had called some reporter a "fag," the steroid case would be been uncovered sooner.

Philadelphia pitcher Brett Myers smacks his wife up in public and he made his start on Saturday. Talk about giving baseball a black eye. Guillen is expected to attend sensitivity training for calling a reporter a name, but Myers has no repercussions for hitting a woman. Anybody in the media want to tackle this issue? Where is Jay Mariotti calling for a two-week suspension? Oh that's right, Myers didn't call Mariotti a name so it is no big deal.

Bud Selig could pull out a firearm and shoot up a school, but it wouldn’t register a blip in the news because Guillen called a reporter a name. And you wonder why nobody is reading newspapers anymore. (Actually, it's probably The Bish's fault.)
  • It's really hard to imagine the White Sox as cheaters, especially after watching A.J. Pierzynski play the game. There is a guy who plays the game the right way. The right way if you are fifth grader playing kickball and you want the entire class to beat your ass.
  • Does Ozzie seem like the kind of guy who would be sophisticated enough to pull off an elaborate scam like using a center field camera to tip off pitches? Not to say that he is stupid, but he's always seemed like the kind of guy whose brain is always flashing "12:00."
  • Looks like North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams is trying to challenge the K-Dawg for the College World Series’ biggest camera (expletive).


  • AND FINALLY
    The NCAA is looking to expand the men's basketball tournament field from 64 to 128. Good to see they have the student's best interest in mind and is not all about the money. The only good news that could possibly come from all of this would be to expand the women’s tournament, too.

MexiCHOKE

Fans of Mexico’s national soccer team, much like Raiders fans, are among the most delusional in all of sport. Yet, not as smart though just as ugly. And believe me, my country produced Steffi Graff and even I would not go out with a fan of Mexico’s soccer team. The mustaches are too thick—and that’s just the women.

For the Raiders, one win in early September against the Texans has their fan base booking their Greyhound tickets for the Super Bowl.

Confusion eventually arises for Raider nation in late February when their team is nowhere to be seen near the big game (this is the hidden reason why Super Bowl Sunday is often cited by women’s support groups as the day in the year more domestic violence is committed than any other - apoplectic Raider fans often turn on their ladies that day when they sober up long enough to realize their team was eliminated from playoff contention in October).

Likewise, Mexican fans were roused from their siestas earlier this month when their overrated team had to come from behind to beat an embarrassingly poor Iranian (they play soccer?) side, in their first World Cup Match.

Based on this one meager win, victory parades were planned, piñatas were beaten, and certain fans who made their way to Germany jumped over the remnants of the Berlin Wall in joy. Or for practice.

But then Mexico and went out and were fortunate to tie a short-handed Angola team. Angolan players may or may not have shown up for the game with soccer shoes, we’re still looking into this.

And then Mexico got their asses handed to them by a Portugal team with nothing to play for, but they still snuck into the Round of 16 because they were undeservingly placed in the worst group in the tournament.

And in the knockout round … Mexico lost, just as I said it would happen a couple weeks ago. Outclassed by the classless Argentineans, 2 to1. But hey, give Mexico credit, they held the lead in the game for almost four minutes. And, to be fair, they were the better team for the first six minutes of the match. Kind of like how the Raiders were better than the Buccaneers in the opening minutes of Super Bowl XXXVII.

So, to recap, here’s Mexico’s World Cup in Review: One near-loss against an awful Iran team, one embarrassing tie, and two beat-down losses. And they were the first (and only) of the eight #1 seeds in the Cup to get kicked out early, too (was Mike Kzshexvsksky their coach?).

That, my friends, is a Raider-like tournament.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Weak Ender

Gotta dance!

Boston Celtics fans derided Lakers fans during their glory years for being too soft, too Hollywood, and having two many Paula Abduls dancing around on the sidelines. Boston was about basketball, not celebrities and pom-poms. But times, they are a changing. The Celtics are joining the rest of the NBA in the 1980s with the formation of the Celtic Dance Team.

You have to figure that Red Auerbach is spinning in his cigar-ridden grave right now.

The Celtics becoming hypocrites is bad. But having to choose a dance team from a talent pool like New England (which isn’t especially deep) is quite another. You can check out the pictures here. But your eyes might hate you. Not quite the Chargers Girls.

Thanks for the tip Sports By Brooks and especially Flash Warner.

  • Sad news about the U.S. soccer team. This country was on the verge of getting into soccer. Now it is likely lost forever. At least America can now turn its attention to the Stanley Cup playoffs.
  • Quote of the Week: "It's been different when you'd had a guy behind you for seven years."—Michael Strahan on his divorce. Oh wait, it was Peyton Manning in regards to Edgerrin James.
  • The Angels are holding a summit with its brain trust to figure out a way to right the ship according to the Los Angeles Times. This should be good. The sad truth is that you are only as good as your last team, and the memory of 2002 is starting to fade. Only two moves are needed to help the offense. Dump Chone Figgins, a glorified nine-hole hitter. And how about getting a new hitting coach? Why is it that these prized minor leaguers never seem to improve when they get to the big club? Maybe they can bump Mickey Hatcher down to Rally Monkey.
  • Where the hell is Ghana? Is that where this guy is from?

AND FINALLY
The final word on Shaq. The Lakers did the right thing in getting rid of Shaq. The Diesel was going to be motivated to win one title without Kobe and it would have been nice to do it in a Lakers uniform. But not at the expense of crippling your team, salary wise, for the next five years. Selling out for one title makes sense for a team like Miami where a single title means the world to them and the city. One extra title means nothing to the Lakers. When you talk about Lakers and championship, only multiple titles matters. The Lakers have a better chance for multiple titles with Kobe than they did with Shaq. Happy for Shaq and Riley, but it just wouldn’t have made sense for the Lakers to keep him.

What is the over/under on Shaq’s weight next year? He could be pushing King Kong Bundy type of density.

    Happy now, USA?

    Feeling good after blatantly screwing over my Hasselhoff-digging homeboy, Dirk Nowitzki?

    Still giggling with glee after seeing the refs give All-American Dwyane Wade every, and I mean every, conceivable call in the NBA finals, to ensure Dirk's Team Teutonic lost?

    Think it's funny that I have to hear another f'ing joke about how the Germans started strong, but couldn’t finish the job? And all because the freakin refs couldn't come close to doing their job?

    Well, turn-about is fair play, because our German ref Markus Merk just single-handedly ensured the elimination of the US soccer team from the World Cup. Take that, capitalist swine!

    Pay-back is an uber-bitch, as we like to say here, in between bites of bratwurst.

    Today Merk issued one of the world's worst penalty kick decisions in the history of mankind, gifting Ghana a goal just when momentum was going in the US's favor late in the first half. Hilarious. Yeah, that might have been a foul, just like it might have been a good idea for my country to continue invading Stalingrad in the winter of 1942.

    And that was after allowing Ghana to score their first goal moments after crippling the US captain Claudio "Backpass" Reyna on the play. Nope, no foul there, Gringos. Sorry about the ACL, though.

    Ha! Merk was almost Knick Bavetta-like in the game. At least now Uruguayan ref Jorge Larrionda (he of the dubious red cards in the US-Italy fiasco) has someone to compare favorably to.

    Keep that in mind the next time Wade gets 93 free throw attempts in his next game against Dallas.

    In the meantime, I, Lil Dieter, say to my American soccer friends: Get the hell out of my country!

    Thursday, June 22, 2006

    Ozzie Guillen: Froot Loop

    And no, that is not meant as a question to Ozzie's sexuality. The White Sox manager, as many of you have likely heard, has gotten into hot water for using a derogatory term for homosexuals when referring to columnist Jay Mariotti.

    But who hasn't?

    Of course, Guillen was forced to apologize and he went to the standard, “I’m not homophobic, my boyfriend is gay.” Actually, Guillen asserted his openness to homosexuals by saying that he will be attending the Gay Games (don't buy your tickets on Stub Hub), goes to ton of WNBA games and even went to a Madonna concert.

    Seriously, a Madonna concert. And at this point, the WNBA should just drop any pretenses of who its league caters to and should put rainbows on their jerseys.

    But still, Ozzie could be a little bit more convincing. Here are a few suggestions on how Ozzie could prove to the world that he is not homophobic. Because really, just going to a Madonna concert isn’t good enough. Please feel free to weigh in on the comments section.

    I'm not homophobic, I watched Will & Grace.

    I'm not homophobic, I belong to PETA.

    I'm not homophobic, I watched Top Gun.

    I'm not homphobic, I like the original line-up of Van Halen.

    I'm not homophobic, I served on a Greek submarine.

    I'm not homophobic, I hang out with Michael Strahan.

    Wednesday, June 21, 2006

    It's Raining Giants

    One of the most disappointing parts of the Mavericks losing out on the title was the trophy presentation from David Stern to Mark Cuban. Had long imagined that Stern would end up getting back at all the trouble Cuban has caused by pulling a line from Matt Dillon in the movie In-and-Out.

    "Congratulations to Mark Cuban for having the tenacity to finally lead the Mavericks to an NBA title. Mark truly is an inspiration… and he's gay!"

    Not only won’t that happen, but Michael Strahan’s wife stole his bit. Jean Strahan has accused the disputed sack king of having a romantic relationship with TV doctor Ian Smith according to the New York Daily News.

    Both Strahan and Smith vehemently denied the rumors.

    "We're not gay," Strahan said. "We might catch a Tom Cruise movie together and then spend dinner discussing window treatments, but that doesn't mean we're gay. And sure, we have taken showers together, but that's just water conservation. Not gay. Of course, we do share the same bed, but I was kicked out of the house by my wife. See, I'm totally not gay."

    Oh man, Strahan is going to get killed in Philadelphia. The over/under on the amount of Brokeback Giants jokes is approaching one million.

    This Is Getting Absurd

    If the Titans run in Omaha was developed into a screenplay, it would seem so far fetched, even the K-Dawg himself — Kevin Costner — would have to pass on it. (Although rumors say the K-Dawg will be in the picture about a killer-robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard has signed on to direct.)

    The Titans were down to their final out on Sunday night and the three-run game-winning rally was highlighted by Corey Vanderhook hit a ball that took more twist and turns than your average CSI episode. Fullerton held on to eliminate Georgia Tech. It was an act of redemption for Hook who was the goat in Friday night’s loss to North Carolina.

    Tuesday was more of the same. A’s center fielder Mark Kotsay made his name in the College World Series by driving in seven runs as a freshman against Florida State. Current freshman David Cooper conjured up images of Kotsay with a 5-for-5 performance — including a two-run shot and the game-winning hit.

    But the biggest story yesterday was closer Ryan Paul who was hampered by the same stomach virus that slowed Lauren Gagnier over the weekend. Paul did not arrive to Rosenblatt with his teammates, instead getting there in the seventh inning. But that enough time to notch the biggest strikeout of the season, fanning Clemson’s dangerous Andy D’Alessio for the first out of the bottom of the ninth. The game was closed out by Wes Roemer. And in keeping with the script, Roemer will be the starter today.

    What is in store for today? It’s hard to imagine. At this point, it wouldn’t seem unusual for the Titans season to be saved today by a talking pie — who will play K-Dawg’s buddy in that killer-robot driving instructor picture.

    And hey, it’s been a long time since we pimped
    The Hater Nation Forums.

    Tuesday, June 20, 2006

    Jim Otto: Froot Loop

    Browns center LeCharles Bentley wanted to honor the legend of Jim Otto when he petitioned the league to wear No. 00 as a homage to the Raiders center. One problem — Otto is a crazy (expletive) (expletive) hole.

    Otto obviously played too long without a helmet when he replied with this:

    "To let him wear my number that I built into a legacy, all it takes is one ounce of coke up his nose, and that legacy is gone," Otto said to the Contra Costa (Calif.) Times.

    "I don't know who he is. I played 15 years with the Raiders. He's played, what, three or four years in New Orleans? What kind of legacy would he give double zero? I don't think he should wear it, and I don't think anyone in the NFL should wear it.”

    Yeah, because these comments are just doing wonders for old No. 00. Like double-zero was the former center’s Wonderlic score or something. Either that or he is suffering from untreated syphilis.

    Bentley — a two time Pro Bowler in his first four years — even apologized for even suggesting such a thing. He should have beat the old coot's ass.

    Monday, June 19, 2006

    The Mick

    CBS commentator Ben Wright might have been on to something when he said that golfing is tough enough without the boobs getting in the way. Otherwise, how do you explain how both Phil Mickelson and Colin Montgomerie tanked in the U.S. Open? (Yes, we’ve used that joke before.)

    So that means we have a brand new Last and Ten.

    Can you feel the excitement?

    The Truth of Ratings

    I almost choked on my weinerschnitzel when I saw this post.

    Nice job with the selective editing, Gunther. I haven't been this disappointed in one of my heroes since Falco refused to play Rock Me Amadeus at the sold-out Berlin County Fair in 1998. Even for the second encore.

    A couple points you forgot to mention:
    1) The 2.4 ESPN2 rankings you snickered at were the channel's highest ratings for anything this year. Yes, that included dog shows, poker tournaments, and spelling bees. And baseball.

    2) The games are on at 6:00 a.m., not prime time.

    3) Soccer fans watch matches in packed bars, not the basement of their parents' house, like wresting and baseball fans, so those numbers are underrepresented.

    3a.) You didn’t factor in the ratings from Univision (5.5 for Mexico-Iran, making it the most watched sporting event in Spanish-language TV history). I'm guessing half of their audience is made up with Gringos who can't bear to listen to the Joe Theisman-Paul Maguire of soccer announcers, Dave O'Brien and Marcel Balboa. Jesus they're bad.

    4) If Reggie White taught us anything, it is that you can fit a family of 30 Mexicans into a small apartment, so even Univision's ratings are vastly underrepresented.

    5) Hockey averaged ratings of 0.2 on OLN this year.

    6) In Los Angeles, Univision’s ratings were 12.5 for the Mexico-Iran game, and 4.9 for ABC.

    7) Combined, that’s more than double the 7.1 the NBA got for the finals last year.

    Your poor math and lazy deduction skills are exactly the reason we will CRUSH you in WWIII! You have no chance, capitalist pigs!

    The Post Mortem

    Do you Believe in Miracles?

    Cal State Fullerton coach George Horton might have said it best when he noted that hard-working teams tend to create their own luck. The Titans might be the hardest working team in baseball.

    Unless two-run infield singles happen everyday.

    Fullerton was down to its last out when it scored three ninth inning runs with two outs to oust Georgia Tech, 7-5. Cory Vanderhook, the base-running goat from Friday night, had the game-winning hit — a ball bounced off the plate and through the infield. Like Pete Vuckovich said in Major League, “You really knocked the crap out of that one.” Thankfully, this game wasn’t a beauty contest.

    “That’s a record, the best 90-foot hit I’ve ever seen,” Horton added.

    Never a doubt, eh?

    It’s hard to imagine where this game ranks amongst the all-time greats, but it is right up there. There are exciting games. Come-from-behind games. And there are destiny defining games. A game like Game 6 of the 2002 World Series. Moments after Troy Glaus hit the go-ahead double, you knew the Angels were going to go one to win the World Series. There was no doubt.

    It’s hard not to draw a similar parallel to Fullerton’s game on Sunday. Of course, the Angels had the benefit of playing the same team in Game 7. The Titans will play Clemson on Tuesday, a team that already had its own comeback magic against Tech. But sometimes the difference between winning and losing is a swagger. The Titans definitely got it back.

    • Was that Jeffrey Maier wearing a North Carolina hat on Sunday? You might remember Maier who threw himself into a Yankees/Orioles playoff game by reaching over the fence to give the Yankees a home run a few years ago. The same thing happened on Sunday when some punk kid reached over the fence to take Matt Wieter’s drive away from Titans outfielder Danny Dorn. Luckily, that play was not a factor. Or was that hard work that it was not a factor?
    • So the Angels couldn’t pitch Jered Weaver on Sunday, and then push Bartolo Colon's start to Monday? Did that make too much sense? It looks like Colon has been hitting the HGH — hamburgers, grease, and Hershey. Colon gave up four runs to the Padres on Sunday. That’s like giving up 10 runs to a Major League Baseball team.

    AND FINALLY
    Leave it to the NBA to have a Finals game go into overtime, be settled in the final seconds and still not be exciting. Maybe it was the Fullerton game earlier, but there was nothing interesting in that series. There is no way the Heat win a game in Dallas. No way.

    Saturday, June 17, 2006

    Mexico Could Learn from Chuck

    When USA Basketball’s Dream Team played Angola (which may or may not be a country, we’re still checking into this on Google) in the 1996 Summer Olympics, Charles Barkley had these comments:

    At a press conference before the Dream Team played Angola, Barkley said: "I don't know anything about Angola, but I know they're in trouble."

    Barkley was true to his word, and the US obliterated Angola, 87-54, showing its dominance in the sport. He also threw in a total cheap shot at one of Angola’s players, just to remind them who the boss is.

    On throwing that elbow at an Angolan, Barkley replied: "Well, he might have pulled a spear on me." Nice, Chuck.

    Fast forward to this year’s World Cup, and RaiderNation South, aka Mexico’s national soccer team, was presented with its own opportunity to teach Angola a lesson in the sport that they care about most.

    Instead Mexico crapped the bed, like their Oakland-based brethren. The game ended tied 0-0, despite Mexico playing with an extra dude for the last 15 minutes.

    So much for winning the World Cup, Mexico will now have to work just to make the next round – where it now looks like they’ll play Argentina, who humiliated Serbia (we think that’s in Europe, or maybe Asia) 6-0.

    This should end very badly for Raider/Mexico fans. As it always does.

    As for the Team Whopper with Cheese USA Soccer Ball Kickers, Presented by Mastercard, their European Vacation effectively ends tomorrow at the hand of our fellow Axis Power Italy. We’ve been waiting 53 years for this day! World domination will once again be ours! Heh heh heh….

    Whoops, did I say that out loud? Where’s that edit button? Ah, f**k it, these lazy American readers won’t make it this far down the column anyway.

    Anyway, tomorrows US-Italy match should be a rout. I will sit back and watch with malicious glee at the misfortune of the Americans, who are bound to get drubbed.

    I wish I could better explain what we Kraut-rockers will be feeling, but we don’t have a word that corresponds to your English term for this phenomena, I believe you Americans call it schadenfreude.

    Friday, June 16, 2006

    The Weak Ender

    ESPN released its list of top celebrity sports fans with Jack Nicholson ranking No. 1.

    At least they didn’t take the easy way out with the most obvious pick.

    The alleged Lakers fan who was found rooting for the Clippers during the second round of the playoffs is your top celebrity fan. Right. Eva Longoria also ranked high on the list. Really? Her interest in the team seems about as sincere as Anna Benson. Does Longoria even understand the rules of basketball? As a poster on a message board said, “She is one deep (expletive) from a non-Frenchman away from not being a Spurs fan.” Hard to disagree.

    The top celebrity sports fan is Ashley Judd and the contest is not close. She appears to have a sincere rooting interest and be honest, who would you rather see sitting on the sidelines wearing shades?

    The list was as little bit too long because, let’s be honest, if you are resorting to using “The Rick” as one of your top celebrity sports fans, you are really reaching. And where the hell were the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Does anybody want some of Magic Johnson—a song made famous by the band in the 1980s?

    But the most disappointing omission was the K-Dawg himself, Kevin Costner. Like Judd, the K-Dawg is always down for his alma mater. When the Cal State Fullerton basketball team blitzed through NIT tournament a few years ago, the K-Dawg was there every step of the way. Or maybe not. When Cal State Fullerton needed some extra dough to finish the baseball stadium, the looked to the K-Dawg. And that is why the Titans play at Jerry Goodwin Field. But hey, when it comes to opportunistic camera (expletive) at the College World Series, the K-Dawg is your man. You would think that with the amount of face time the K-Dawg is set to receive today (starting tonight at 4 p.m. PST), ESPN would have recognized that.

    Photo shamelessly stolen from the Sports Column.

    The following excerpts are only opinions, but someday they might belong to the Bish.

    • It was a striking contrast watching the Angels and CSF Titans on side-by-side televisions last week. One team had timely hitting, clutch pitching and flawless defense. The other team was the Angels.
    • The Angels looked more relieved than anything else after being the Royals in extra innings on Thursday night. This was the most underwhelming series, ever. It is unacceptable to lose even one game to the Royals, a team that would have problem winning the College World Series. Even OC admitted as much in the post game interview after driving in the game-winning run.

    • It’s hard to blame athletes for being allured to motorcycles. If anything, blame Hollywood…and this guy.

    AND FINALLY
    It appears that Tiger Woods has missed the cut at the U.S. Open, ending a string that rivaled the Atlanta Braves dominance of the NL East/West. You might wonder how Tiger could have fallen so fast, but there are two words — the Bish whose column on Thursday obviously jinxed Tiger. Thanks, jerk.

    Last Chance

    America’s first World Cup game drew nearly 2.14 million television viewers, for a 2.4 cable rating for ESPN 2. To put that in perspective, the re-launch of Extreme Championship Wrestling on Tuesday night drew a 3.4 cable rating on the SciFi Network.

    So don’t say that Americans are not buying into this whole soccer craze.

    The big indicator will be the American’s match against Italy on Saturday. (And we are still looking for Lil’ Dieter. But you know what happens when Germans and Italians get together.) There is a lot on the line here for the Americans in terms of the tournament and for soccer in general here in the states. Now, if soccer were a real sport—like the NBA—the Americans would come out with their best effort ever. All of those old, out of shape Americans would actually play a lick of defense and look like they care for the first time in a championship series. And if soccer were a real sport—like the NBA—the Italians would just not show up at all, mailing in their effort. Because that is what better teams do in real sports like the NBA.

    What probably is going to happen is that the vastly superior team (Italy) will show up, give its best effort and probably win convincingly like a good team should. Which, once again shows that soccer really has a thing to learn about being a real sport. Maybe then soccer can get such lofty ratings as the NBA.

    Or at least WWF numbers.

    Thursday, June 15, 2006

    Model Citizen

    Bengals receiver Chris Henry has never backed down from a challenge. With Ben Roethlisberger and J.J. Manning making the news for being idiots, Henry has taken it to another level. Henry was arrested for the fourth time in seven months after he was charged with providing alcohol to underage females.

    Henry was compared to Michael Irvin when he first entered the league. He has lived up to that billing off the field, at least. But even the Pleamaker knew to make sure that his “self-employed models” were of age.

    At this point it is a distinct inevitability that Henry will end up on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator.”

    Wednesday, June 14, 2006

    Duke Suspends Hoops Program

    Duke University has announced that it has temporarily suspended the men’s basketball program after star J.J. Manning was arrested for drunk driving early Tuesday morning. The university stated that it wanted to take time to look into the matter and make a fair and accurate decision. Mike Krzydgvihjorfgdcrtski also is facing pressure to resign as men’s basketball coach and an announcement could come as early as the end of this week.

    “We had to do something,” a Duke spokesman said on a request of anonymity. “We would look like [expletive] tools if we dropped the hammer on a club sport, but went out and released a statement backing a basketball player who was caught red [expletive] handed. No respectable university would ever do that. No sports program is bigger than Duke University.”

    Krzymaduyiueuaski also issued a statement that backed his former player who will appear in the upcoming NBA draft on June 28. The coach noted that Manning was one of the most skilled players he ever had at Duke and should have a bright future in the NBA.

    “Hey, we need to be serious here for a second,” Krzymklfdjreauski said. “J.J. is a great kid, who I armed not only for basketball, but for life. It’s not like he rapped a couple of black girls like the lacrosse team. Remember them? How about an update there. Really.

    “Besides, this won’t even have an impact on his NBA career. If anything, by being able to handle a car when he is drunk, he showed that he is already a better driver than Bobby Hurley.”

    Soup, Not Good For You

    Winning a Super Bowl means many things—fame, fortune, and of course, commercial opportunities. That is what Ben Roethlisberger (left) has found out after winning Super Bowl XL. Roethlisberger has signed on for Campbell’s Chunky Soup and will appear in a video for the PovertyNeck Hillbillies. That’s fitting. With no teeth left, Roethlisberger will have to eat soup for months and will look the part for a Hillbillies video.

    The only problem is that Campbell's Chunky might be a little too thick for him.

    Of course, long-time readers of this site will note that this is all a part of the dreaded Campbell’s Chunky Curse. It is the least publicized of the sports curses (behind Sports Illustrated and the Madden Cover), but it might be the most hurtful. Careers have basically ended by being associated with the soup and Roethlisberger is just the latest member. Here is a quick look at some of the Chunky spokesman.

    Terrell Davis: The former sixth-round draft pick went from the NFL’s most dominant back to out of the league in the blink of an eye. Even Gale Sayers and Bo Jackson thought he was frail.

    Donovan McNabb: The Eagles quarterback went from being the golden boy of NFL quarterbacks to puking his soup at the Super Bowl. If McNabb thought T.O. was bad, look at the Eagles receiving corps for this season. It isn’t going to get much better.

    Marcella Lowery: Had a promising career as “Miss Noble” on NBC’s The City Guys. Now she has disappeared quicker than the lady who played Miss Bliss on Saved by the Bell after appearing as McNabb’s mother in a few spots.

    Michael Strahan: Former sack master relegated to mop-up duty on the Best Damn Sports Show, Period where he played the straight man for Tom Arnold.

    Brian Urlacher: Dated Paris Hilton, but didn’t star in any home movies. Remember that one big play Urlacher made last season to push the Bears to victory? Don’t feel bad, nobody does.

    Kurt Warner: Two words—Brenda Warner.

    Reggie White: The Minister of Defense morphed from perceived good guy to the black Rush Limbaugh with one trip to the Wisconsin state legislature.

    The only guy who seemed to do well was Jerome Bettis, who finally won the Super Bowl. But what do you think caused that fumble on the goal line in the final moments of the AFC Championship Game?

    These players just never seem to learn.

    Tuesday, June 13, 2006

    Family Values


    What is it about the Manning brothers and their inability to hold their alcohol? You really have to feel for Archie Manning today. And so close to Father’s Day, too. The former Saints quarterback has run a pretty tight ship. His boys, Peyton, Eli and J.J. (if you are confused so far, read this) have been pretty good kids. Archie’s boys are perennial losers and chokers, but good kids nonetheless.

    And then J.J. had to go and bring disgrace to the family by getting charged with a DUI. That’s the kind of thing that will get him run out of the family. Sure Eli can’t seem to hold his MGDs, but he never got arrested for it.

    But the news wasn’t all bad for J.J. who had some time to really sit down and write some poetry while sitting in the clink. Now for J.J.'s Haiku:

    Daddy is pissed off
    Brothers won’t return my calls
    Swearing off Zima

    This will really teach
    me To take the advice of
    Dookie Jay Williams

    More Cheerleaders Gone Wild

    Those wacky Canadians.

    This comes via the Universal Cynic. It turns out that even CFL cheerleader controversies are lame. While the NFL has lesbian cheerleaders having sex in bar bathrooms, the CFL has cheerleaders being suspended for appearing on the Howard Stern Show. The Hamilton Tiger Cats suspended Ashley Harrison and Deanna Garraway for claiming that they were still virgins, dancing provocatively and riding a sex toy on Stern's radio show.

    If the rumors about Canadian strip clubs are true, maybe they just weren’t wild enough.

    Sorry CFL. The NFL has set the bar on cheerleading sexcapades pretty high. This, much like the signing of Ricky Williams, is just a cheap imitation.

    Mexico Wins World Cup


    Sunday’s World Cup match between Mexico and Iran was truly one of those moments where you are pulling for both teams to lose. Or at least for the stadium to burn down. Unfortunately, somebody had to win it (though, there could have been a draw, but roll with us).

    It is even more unfortunate that the winner had to be Mexico.

    It is really not fair to put the Iranians in this class. Mexico, as mentioned by Lil’ Dieter last week, has the worst fans in soccer. They make Raiders fans look respectable—and a little less delusional.

    While Raiders actually believe they win the Super Bowl after each victory, at least they don’t parade in the streets after one damn victory. Which is what the Mexican soccer fans did on Sunday following their victory over Iran. Even Ohio State fans would show a little bit more restraint following one win.

    Can’t wait for this Bin Laden-cheering, Star-Spangled Banner-booing, urine bomb-throwing fans to have their team eliminated.

    Monday, June 12, 2006

    Crash Gordon

    Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was involved in a motorcyle crash on Monday morning. The Super Bowl hero and future organ donor ran head-first into a SUV after he flipped over the handle bars. NFL linesman Mark Hittner initially ruled that Roethlisberger’s head had not crossed the windshield, but the official changed his mind as he drew closer to the accident and as Roethlisberger had some extra time to crawl into the windshield.

    Roethlisberger, as you could expect, was not wearing a helmet. Because otherwise he would no longer be a professional athlete if he did wear one. Roethlisberger has been reprimanded previously by former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw for riding a bike and obviously took the accident of Kellen Winslow II to heart. And at what point does Bill Cowher have to make like James Caan in The Program and take his keys away from Joe Kane, err, Roethlisberger?

    But cheer up, Big Ben. Because of the U.S. men’s soccer team, this wasn’t the biggest car wreck of the day.


    The information on this site is intended for entertainment only. Any reprints by balding columnists is discouraged.

    Happy Anniversary

    O.J. Simpson was just another former athlete appearing in bad commercials 12 years ago. Then he decided to kill his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ronald Goldman, turning into one of the world’s most notorious murderers. Allegedly. Nobody knows for sure. There are experts who believe that if we knew Goldman’s last words, we would know what happened on night. It was Norm MacDonald who postulated that Ron’s final words were probably, “Hey look, it’s O.J. Simpson.”

    Not only was the Simpson story an American tragedy, it pretty much killed the Naked Gun series of movies. That might be the real tragedy in all of this.

    Well, other than two people being murdered. But other than that, it’s the Naked Gun thing. That and the fact that our justice system was proven to be a huge joke. So after two murder victims and our justice system being bought off by the highest bidders, the Naked Gun thing hurts the worst. Actually, the celebrity of Kato Kaelin needs to go in here somewhere. So it’s dead people, failure of the justice system, Kato and then the Naked Gun thing.

    The information on this site is intended for entertainment only. Any reprints by balding columnists is discouraged.

    World Cup Recap

    Greetings, my good American Friends!

    It’s me, Lil' Dieter, and I’m here to give you Happy Meal-eating, Wal-Mart-shopping, moron-electing Jesus Freaks a World Cup update from Deutschland.

    Well, the first weekend of matches is over – and here’s what we’ve learned so far.

    Best Player to date: Dutch winger/forward Arjen Robben. Not so much for his great goal in the Serbia match, and dominating attacking play throughout the game, but for the Chelsea player’s steadfast refusal to pass the ball to his team’s two other attacking partners – who just happen to play for his club team’s most bitter rivals in England, Manchester United and Arsenal. Funny stuff. This will end badly.

    Worst Player to date: Trinidad & Tobago’s Avery John. Totally outclassed on the field, the New England Revolution (the biggest thug team in MLS) club player was lucky to not get a red card earlier than he did, in the 46th minute. It says something when T&T began playing better with him gone, even though they were a man down.

    Best Team to Date: England. After scoring in the 3rd minute, totally sleep-walked through the rest of their match, a 1-Nil victory over Paraguay. Smart strategy - you don’t want to play your best match early on, if you’re a title contender. England’s in a joke group – there’s no reason to expend extra energy until the knock-out stages.

    (Their world-class hooligans know this too – the real destruction won’t be needed until later this month.)

    Worst Team to date: ABC/ESPN game announcers. Just awful. Imagine if the Super Bowl were announced by Fox’s 7th-string football announcers (or Joe Buck), and then multiply that suckiness that by 100. Millions of Americans are unintentionally learning Spanish by switching to Univision’s broadcast to avoid these dopes.

    And if you’re going to put a know-nothing chick soccer player in the studio, at least get an attractive one like Heather Mitts, not Julie “Unibrow” Foudy. Christ.

    2nd Worst Team to date: Poland. A non-existent game plan, and no urgency whatsoever in their efforts against Ecuador, even with the home field/hooligan advantage. Embarrassing. This team is going the way off the Polish Navy … straight to the bottom of the ocean.

    Team Most Likely to Get Raider-like Delusions of Grandeur after One Win: Mexico. In another joke group with Iran and Angola – which may or may not be an actual country – Mexico is guaranteed to get through to the next round. But no matter what they do against these creampuffs, they’ll end up playing either Argentina or the Dutch in the Round of 16. This means: an early Raider-like exit once the real games start.

    Anyway, as we Germans like to say: let’s not dwell on the past, please. Especially when discussing years 1939-45.

    Instead, let’s look to the future, namely Team USA Cheeseburger’s first match on Monday, against the Team That No Longer Likes to be Called Czechoslovakia.

    What will it take for the scrappy Americans to advance in the hardest group in the tournament? Basically, they need a miracle. But crazier things have happened. Here’s a quick run-down of the key issues on the team’s roster:

    * Landon Donavan needs to stop deferring to less-talented but more experienced teammates, and lead the team. And he needs to play up front, not as a mid-fielder.
    * Once promising midfielder DaMarcus Beasley needs to stop dicking around, and play better. Same goes for forward Eddie Johnson too.
    * Eddie Lewis needs to not suck at left-back, or at least score on a couple free-kicks to compensate for the mistakes he’ll end-up making on defense.
    * That 33 year-old center back Eddie Pope needs to find the fountain of youth, and avoid Jeff Agoos-like screw-ups.
    * That 24 year-old stud center back Oguchi Onyewu needs to stay out of foul trouble, and dominate on both ends of the field.
    * Either Bobby Convey or Clint Dempsey needs to provide an unexpected spark, either by starting or coming off the bench.
    * Josh Wolff, Greg Berhalter, Brian Ching and Chris Albright need to provide a spark by staying on the bench, and not getting anywhere near the field of play. Seriously, they are all terrible.
    * A combination of perpetually-injured midfielders John O’Brien and Claudio Reyna need to give the team 90 minutes a match, and try not to spontaneously combust or anything. O’Brien also needs to cut his hair.

    Prediction: USofA 2, Check Please 2.

    Friday, June 09, 2006

    The Weak Ender


    Maybe we should give this soccer thing a chance. The woman above is Daniella Cicarelli, famous ex of Brazilian star Ronaldo—the most well-known soccer player outside of that Spice Girl’s husband. But don’t cry for Ronaldo who is now courting renowned super model Raicia Oliveira.

    So maybe there is something to this whole soccer thing after all. FOX Sports has a photo gallery of soccer wives and girlfriends you can catch here. Some of these girls are your typical Euro trash. The kind with heroin-sculpted bodies you see outside of clubs in Newport Beach bumming cigarettes and asking, “Dooo you have a vite?” But a number of them are hot. Really hot. So hot they make Anna Benson look like a media-whoring former stripper. And you have to give soccer credit there. Baseball players date former strippers, soccer players are dating current ones.

    • The news is not all good on the soccer front. Oliveira publicly announced this week that she will not be posing nude. Listen, if you ever want soccer to become big in this country maybe Raicia should rethink her position.
    • Email of the week from James in SRC: Hip-hop artist always pour out part of their beer for fallen colleagues. So in retrospect do you think umpires were spilling quarts of ranch dressing for Eric Gregg? What is wider, Gregg’s casket or the strike zone he gave Livan Hernandez in Game 7 vs. Cleveland? That was uncalled for. What's the matter with you people?
    • The women’s College World Series had higher ratings than Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Fitting.
    • Anybody catch the opening of the Omen remake on June 6? That little kid looks really creepy. You figure when he grows up he is going to look like this.

    AND FINALLY
    Soccer fans—outside of the sports editor of the OCR—are some of the most defensive people on Earth. Like they are literally offended if you don’t like the sport. Sorry. Just don’t see it taking off here. If it didn’t happen after the World Cup in 1994, it ain’t happening. (Altough the pictures of Ronaldo's girl friend don't hurt.)

    People who bash soccer for its (lack of) scoring and intricacies are lame. If you awarded six points for every soccer goal, it wouldn’t seem so low scoring. As for boring, have you ever seen the Baltimore Ravens play? And if they can understand it in third world countries, it’s not as complicated as you think. The scoring isn’t a problem; the game isn’t hard to understand. It’s three things.

    Offsides. Imagine Terrell Owens beating a cornerback in a one-on-one coverage, getting wide open and then having the safety stop running, letting the receiver get by him. Owens would then be called for offsides and the play would be nullified. The Packers tried that strategy to no avail last year.

    No upsets. Everybody says the U.S. does not have a chance and odds are the team won’t make it out of its division. If this was the NFL, the top U.S. player would be injured. His replacement—a former backup in college and late-round pick—would lead the U.S. to the quarterfinals. Then the U.S. would apparently lose a playoff game on a controversial call—a call that would eventually be overturned by replay. The U.S. would then convert two corner kicks in the snow, win the game, and win the Super Cup!

    That's a sport. And that said player would then have to fight off rumors he was gay proving that he has really arrived in America.

    Nobody roots for the U.S. You have a bunch of Orange County-born, non-Spanish speaking dudes named Fernandez pulling for Mexico. Guys who have never even had pizza outside of Chicago pulling for Italy because their great-great-grand parents immigrated from there. It’s stupid. We are probably the biggest U.S.A. fans in the world. Not so much because of the sport. No, the quicker America dominates this sport, the quicker the world will participate in another sport for us to ignore. Like hockey, which at least had the good sense to go to OLN where it belongs, getting beaten in the ratings by women’s softball.

    Thursday, June 08, 2006

    Welcome to Dallas, Jerk



    Terrell Owens wasted no time endearing himself to Dallas by fans by showing up to the NBA Finals in a Miami Heat jersey. Of course this was the same dude who wore a Michael Irvin jersey to a press conference when he was a member of the Philadelphia Eagles. Owens, to his discredit, did wear a Mavericks hat that smacked of the same sincerity of an apology from a scolded child. Which, you know, kind of fits Owens. And really, he could have worn the Shaq jersey combined with a pair of Rolando Blackman’s shorts so maybe we should consider ourselves fortunate.

    Lil Dieter’s World Cup Gambling Guide: Day 1

    Gesundheit!

    I was just listening to some old Scorpions eight-tracks, when Lil' Hater called and asked me to talk more soccer. No way, I said – I never got paid for my last posting. Cheap bastards.

    But then I thought: did my country give up pursuing World Wars after the Treaty of Versailles? Hell no. And I can't stop posting, either, especially if it keeps the boss of the website from writing about Dancing with the Stars or some other nonsense.

    I say, America needs – nay, demands – an idiot's guide to gambling for these matches. And scantily-clad picture of Brazilian Soccer Babes. We're working on the second part. But in the meantime, here are some useless thoughts on Friday’s kick-off games:

    Germany vs. Costa Rica:

    Lil Dieter says Germany coach Jurgen Klinsmann is the smartest coach in the World Cup. It's not because of his game tactics, motivational skills, or personnel choices. It's because the dude lives in Huntington Beach, Ca. (He's a big fan of Taco Surf, I'm told.) Although I'm sure Kaiserslautern, a mere 5,000 miles away, was his second choice. Not.

    Costa Rica played champions Brazil better than anyone in 2002; they won’t be afraid of taking on the hosts. But they're still scarred from the brief tenure of shambolic American ex-head coach Steve Sampson, which nearly kept them from qualifying.

    Prediction: Germany 2, Costa Rica 1

    Poland vs. Ecuador.

    Two mediocre teams. Ecuador is no good when they’re not playing at home on top of a 10,000 foot mountain, and Poland is said to be trying out a new formation a week before their first match – never a good sign. But since this is more or less a home game for the Poles and their hooligan fans, I'll go with the mediocre Euro team whose fans attend matches with bike chains and rusty knives.

    Poland 1, Ecuador 0, Arrests 30.

    Family Circus

    Angels fans had better prepare themselves for some bad news. Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon is returning from the disabled list soon which means that Weaver is going to be out of the rotation.

    That should be good news. But the only problem is that it is going to be the wrong Weaver. Despite going 3-0 with a 1.86 ERA in his first three starts, look for Jered Weaver to be the odd man out of the pitching carousel.

    Unless of course Kelvin Escobar gets a hangnail or something.

    You would love to give the Angels the benefit of the doubt in this situation, but their recent history in personnel moves has not been inspiring. This is the same club that let Troy Glaus, who just recently crushed like this 60th home run of the season, leave via free agency. This is the same club that kept Casey Kotchman and Jeff Mathis in the majors, and Mike Napoli and Kendry Morales to AAA.

    And of course, this is the same club that signed Jeff Weaver to begin with. So while common sense says that it will be Jeff Weaver who is the odd man out—Angels fans know better.

    Wednesday, June 07, 2006

    Reason #451 to Hate the NCAA

    Iowa quarterback Drew Tate completed a feat more rare than leading the Hawkeyes to the Rose Bowl (to be fair, Iowa was there as recently as 15-years ago). Tate hit a hole-in-one at a charity golf tournament last week, entitling him to $25,000 toward the purchase of a new car.

    But instead of barreling down the Iowa highways on a new Harley-Davidson, Tate is ineligible for the prize because it violates NCAA rules. Yeah, because that has been a huge problem in the NCAA over the years were groups of players have been routinely sinking holes-in-one and collecting prize money because it is just that easy.

    And of course, there is no way Duke coach Mike Krzygbvdryuyedwski is collecting free wheels for participation in those Chevy commercials. That would be unethical.

    This news came on the heels of a compliance email received last week from the Cal State Fullerton athletic department. Did you know it was against the rules, according to the release, to provide any transportation to NCAA athletes including giving rides to players? So not only can you not give a player a new car for hitting a hole-in-one, you have to make that guy walk, too. Hopefully nobody gets injured during a game and requires an ambulance. That would be some trek.

    The ball-busting of the NCAA has gotten out of hand.

    Tuesday, June 06, 2006

    Lil' Dieter's Guide to the World Cup

    Greetings from the Land of Chocolate!

    My American, Hasselhoff-hating cousin, Lil' Hater, asked me to stop by and say a few words about the World Cup. As you may know, the planet's biggest sporting event starts Friday in my – as he said – "lederhosen-wearing, Sproket-dancing, metric-loving, no-good country." His words, not mine.

    No problem, I said. If there's one thing a German knows, its soccer. Well that, and beer. And waging unprovoked, destructive wars against innocent countries.

    So Americans, we can at least bond over two of those things! Let's see if can learn soccer together, too. Achtung!

    Also, Lil' Hater mentioned that I should keep it simple, based on the appalling lack of knowledge about the Beautiful Game on the site, as evidenced by his boss’ embarrassing attempt at 'humor' last month.

    Nice try, Der Kommissar, but I'll take it from here. But you can keep on blogging about those all important college softball games and reality game shows geared towards women viewers. Not that there's anything wrong with liking those things. But let's just say that you made Dean Martin cry.

    So, anyway, here are a couple bits of background info before Friday's first games, based on reader’s questions.

    Question: Is it true that Frankfurt has a NFL Europe team?
    Lil' Dieter: What a stupid question. The answer is yes.

    Question: Would Frankfurt beat the Raiders?
    Lil' Dieter: Another stupid question. Yes they would. And they'd cover the spread, too.

    Question: I really, really hate the Raiders. Who should I root against at the World Cup?
    Lil' Dieter: Mexico. Like the Raiders, Mexico's soccer team is known for two things: cheating, and choking. And yes, there may be some crossover in the fan bases.

    Question: How would a stereotypical Raider/Mexico fan stack up against some of the world's more notorious soccer hooligans?
    Lil' Dieter: They would be made to look (more) like dopes. English, Dutch, Turkish, and the up-and-coming Polish hooligans wouldn't even bother beating on a Raider fan. It would be like starting a fight with Scrappy-Doo. Why even bother.

    Question: Which big-name coach at the World Cup has the best chance of pulling a Norv Turner, and losing in a truly embarrassing fashion?
    Lil' Dieter: No one will be as bad as Norv, but keep an eye on France's coach, Raymond Domenech. Like Norv, he likes ignoring his best player (Arsenal striker Thierry Henry) by playing him in a central forward role he’s not suited for. Like Norv, he's already lost control of the team, by letting over-the-hill players like Zidane, Thuram, and Barthez return to the National Team and dictate the shape of the club. And like Norv, he's bound to be out-coached by someone who exploits France's lack of midfield width and speed.

    Question: Was that actual analysis? WTF? Say something funny, bobblehead.
    Lil' Dieter: Ok. Let's just say that in its dealings with Germany, France's isn't exactly known for its courage, or coming out on top. Expect the same in the World Cup.

    Now, I hope that helps. And if not, just remember the old Germans saying: Shut Up, Or We Will Crush You! Whoops, I meant to say: Enjoy the Match!

    Who Needs T.O.?

    Certainly not the Eagles. Speculation on The Hater Nation a month ago was that the Eagles were in deep trouble at wide receiver. But an apology is in order because that has been proven wrong. Dead wrong. If anything, the Eagles will likely resemble the second coming of the early 1980s Air Coryell Chargers this season.

    Sure, the Eagles have been flirting recently with Olympic sprinter Justin Gatlin about the possibility of joining the team as a receiver. And why not, the club selected Olympic freestyle skier Jeremy Bloom in the fifth round of this year's draft.

    (Word to the wise boys, keep an eye on your Olympic medals with Jabar Gaffney around.)

    Anybody around during the Ron Brown-era for the Los Angeles Rams knows that sprinters make absolutely seamless transitions into the NFL. Bullet Bob Hayes was a once in a lifetime kind of athlete. The best they could possibly hope for is a Renaldo Nehemiah situation— who incidentally is the Gatlin’s agent—where not even Joe Montana could help that guy.

    Nice staff, Eagles. Philly is lucky that Eli Messiah is in the division or they would be looking at fourth place. But hey, at least T.O. won't be a distraction.

    Monday, June 05, 2006

    The Post Mortem

    It wasn’t a good weekend for the University of Texas. The men’s baseball team (seeded third nationaly) was eliminated from the Austin regional. The women’s softball team was eliminated as Cat Osterman ended her nine-year career at the university. Seriously, it’s as if she was taking remedial classes with Vince Young and managed to extend her college career for nearly a decade. Even Jennie Finch wasn’t able to stick around this long.

    Out in Fullerton, the K-DawgKevin Costner—made his appearance at Goodwin Field which means that the ESPN cameras were obviously there. Security was intense as fans lined up deep to demand their money back from Rumor Has It.

    Just kidding, nobody saw that movie.

    Fullerton does take its law an order seriously. Security was so strict, it wouldn’t have been out of place to see this sign: “Re-elect Sean ‘Kill A Commie’ O’Scanlon—God, Guns and Guts Keep Us Safe From Hippie Nuts.” The security was friendly, kind of like the staff in Roadhouse, just not as personable. Fullerton somehow managed to find enough people with the abrasiveness of Principal Richard Vernon (RIP) combined with the Napoleon complex of a hall monitor.

    The only reason CS Fullerton would need this much security would be if Chris Henry was in attendance. Otherwise, it’s just overkill. Like do you really need to shake down the five-year-old carrying a backpack? If the kid is being used to mule in alcohol for his father, so be it. The head of security must have been beaten up a lot as a kid.

    • It seems a right of passage for NFL quarterbacks to fight off rumors that they are gay. (Blame Billy Crystal and his character on Soap.) Carson Palmer is not making it an easier holding functions like this. Even Kordell Stewart would have more sense than that.
    • An American made a splashy debut in the CFL this weekend. Former Chapman quarterback Patrick Josten completed 3 of 4 passes for 50 yards and 1 touchdown for Hamilton.

    • Hmm, Albert Pujols body is already breaking down, eh? That ought to help steroid rumors. Of course, the guy is inching closer to 40 (he has to be at least 38) so maybe this is a case of an older man’s body breaking down.

    • Other celebrities in attendance on Saturday night at Goodwin Field—the sports editor for the local newspaper in Orange County. Heard he was haranguing a writer for the St. Louis Post Dispatch.

    AND FINALLY

    There are those who will argue that the Simpson have lost something. Nothing could be further from the truth, as evidenced on Sunday night. The NFL was deciding who to award the league’s next franchise to, Los Angeles or Springfield. An elderly blonde announced that she “didn’t kill her husband to take control of his team just to let Los Angeles have another team.” If cartoon shows were NFL quarterbacks, the Simpsons would be Otto Graham and the Family Guy would be Kordell.

    Don't Be So Glum

    Sure, Maria Sharapova was eliminated from whatever tennis tournament they are currently playing. But her imagine will continue to linger in the endless loop of commercials she is currently appearing in. But what are these poor kids going to do?

    Friday, June 02, 2006

    The Weak Ender

    Ping! The college baseball playoffs have started and this is the time of year that Cal State Fullerton alumni can be proud of their alma mater (and not pretend that they went to USC).

    That goes double for super fan Kevin Costner.

    The K-Dawg has become college baseball’s top fan, the King of Ping if you will. But now he is facing some stiff opposition for a pair of competitors who might be best described as the Queen of Schwing.

    Pamela Anderson has become the super fan of Pepperdine and the Malibu resident has become a fixture at regular season games. The K-Dawg, conversely, only shows up to mug for the ESPN cameras during the playoffs.

    Anderson has become such a fan of the Waves; you almost expect a sex tape with the vixen and catcher Chad Tracy (son of Jim) to surface at any time. And while Anderson has made a habit of taping herself during sex, her partners were willing unlike the masseuse the K-Dawg allegedly performed a lewd sex act in front of.

    You really have to feel for the Titans fans here. First Pepperdine defeated Cal State for the College World Series title in 1992. Now Anderson is quickly becoming the face of College Baseball. If Anderson ever makes a $1B blockbuster where she plays a gruff but likeable loner in a post-apocalyptic world, Titans fans will have nothing to hold on to.

    • The Angels have pulled one of the biggest bait-and-switches in the history of shaddy business. Angels Stadium of Anaheim has a Hooters inside of the facility. But it is staffed by Aramark workers. Let’s say they are not Hooters girls. Some aren’t even girls. And be honest, Hooters food sucks. It does, especially the wings. Not having the endowed, would-be Waves fans working the shop just makes it worthless. It’s just another over-priced concession.
    • The Twins are wearing patches with No. 34 on it to honor the late Kirby Puckett. It would have been more fitting to have a patch depicting an electrical cord—the object he used to choke his ex-wife. Allegedly.
    • The NBA playoffs have turned into a big bummer. The last three games have featured a desperate home team (Phoenix, Detroit, Dallas) blowing out a disinterested opponent. So much for the NBA being back. That was quick.
    • Eric Gagne has returned from his injury. Where are those conspiracy theorist who will claim that Gagne was secretly suspended for using steroids, but was allowed to cloak it with an injury? The Dodgers did just play their 50th game.
    • Dirk Nowitski—ball hog.
    • A poster on Cal State Fullerton’s message board noted that the Waves got to go to Pamela Anderson’s house for lunch on Friday. Not a bad gig. The K-Dawg had a screening of For Love of the Game at Omaha a few years ago. Yeah, totally even.


    AND FINALLY

    Anybody else finding the Spelling Bee a little disturbing? Like ESPN couldn’t find more hours of Bonds-on-Bonds to run. There is something wrong about watching these little kids getting traumatized on national television that is a little perverse. Not to be one of those guys who wants second place trophies and participation ribbons handed out, but this is a little over the line. Those poor kids are going to be ridiculed by their peers.

    Some might argue that these kids will be perceived as heroes just for being on TV. Sure How much ribbing do Peyton Manning and Alex Rodriguez take for failing on the world’s biggest stage? Seriously, nobody remembers who won the thing two years ago, but they sure remember that kid who fainted on stage. Yeah, this is really a good idea. Maybe ESPN should really ramp up its coverage and show a kid’s first visit to the orthodontist or optometrist.

    Oh My God

    The Colorado Rockies, according to the USA Today, have turned into a team of God Squaders. The team has forsaken Playboy, Maxim and cursing—you know things associated with a clubhouse—in favor of prayer meetings. It is refreshing to hear. In an era where players have rap sheets longer than the local teamsters, it’s nice to hear about players who are trying to take a moral stand. Not to mock anybody's faith, but something doesn't seem right.

    It seems a little disingenuous and figures to crap out like a Bill Bennett dice roll.

    Denny Neagle is kicked off the team for solicitation. It’s not a tough decision when the guy in question has a 7.90 ERA. But what if that player was Todd Helton? (Or the hooker was at least attractive?) What if Albert Pujols wanted to sign a free-agent contract with the Rockies, but was found to be a practicing Buddhist? Or maybe agnostic? Would the Rockies still sign him?

    Sorry, been burned too many times by family values politicians who have children out of wedlock, or caught with prostitutes, or start wars. Don’t want to be disappointed when some of these Rockies turn up on the Smoking Gun because—let’s face it—they are ball players.

    Besides, if God really was the Rockies co-pilot, don’t you figure they could do better than two games above .500?

    Thursday, June 01, 2006

    A Major Let Down

    And no, it was not the pitching performance of Ervin Santana. When you hear that an ousted member of American Idol is singing the national anthem—that’s good. When you find out that its not Katharine McPhee or Kellie Pickler—that’s bad.

    Instead, it turns out to be Ace Young (who looks like he could be the fourth Hanson brother). And don’t act like you don’t know who he is. There is nothing worse than those insecure tough/short/bald guys who try to impress people by saying, “I don’t know that dude, I never watched the show.” Right. Those are the guys who follow it the most. The kinds of guys who play in garage cover bands and secretly love the writing of The Bish.

    Listen, nobody watches the NBA but we all know who is playing in the playoffs. It’s the Pistons versus the Heat, and Mavericks versus the Lakers.

    (See, it is annoying to pretend not to know.)

    The point is, if you were at the game, you only had to deal with Ace for the national anthem and a round of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” Only, viewers in Minnesota got a little more as Young was taken into the Twins broadcast booth to be interviewed by Bert Blyleven. According to The World of B (via Deadspin), Blyleven was so stumped for topics (and who wouldn't be), he blurted out, "Let's talk about Paula Abdul... Did you get lucky with her?"

    Seems like a legitimate question. And surely it beats Rex Hudler asking if he was holding.