Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dinner with Dad

Two Arizona residents, Cathy and Jim Kleeman, won the right to host a dinner party with Randy Johnson with 20 of their closest friends after winning a charity auction. You know who won’t be going to this party?

His estranged daughter who didn't have $7K to blow on dinner with dear old dad.

And don't worry, the money went to a good charity. One near and dear to Johnson's black heart—the notMYkid foundation. Seriously.

Okay, notMYkid might be a decent organization, but you would think they would want to back away from dude’s who have fathered kids out of wedlock. Just saying is all.

Theismann Lashes Out

Toronto quarterback Damon Allen is likely embarrassed to be a member of the Argonauts after listening to Joe Theismann’s diatribe on new teammate Ricky Williams. Theismann, a former Argonauts QB, is upset that Toronto would sign a “drug addict” like Williams.

Although it was cool when Toronto wanted to sign a 5-foot-10 midget from Notre Dame in 1971 because he couldn't compete with Bob Griese. Theismann did what most hippies did in the 1970s and avoided the draft by going to Canada after the Dolphins selected him in the fourth round.

Or maybe a lot of this stems from Theismann’s own self-loathing over the fact that his own son is serving a ten-year suspended sentence for cocaine possession.

“This is a feeble excuse for the Toronto Argonauts to sell tickets and I am embarrassed to have worn that A on my helmet,” Theismann told The Fan 590, a Toronto all-sports radio station. “To think they would stoop to this level to sell tickets, to bring someone in who is not worthy of playing professional football.

“He has insulted professional football players, he has insulted the game of professional football. He has been suspended by the National Football League, he doesn't want to play.”

It’s kind of funny coming from a guy who changed the pronunciation of his name to rhyme with Heisman when he was a college quarterback at Notre Dame. (His name was once pronounced THEEZ-man.) This coming from a guy who left his wife for his girlfriend and then—when he left his girlfriend-had the audacity to lecture her on “honor.”

Williams, as you can imagine, was able to shrug off the comments. Because, let’s face it, what credibility does Theismann really have anyway? Does anybody take this guy seriously? Williams didn’t.

“Every time he says something, this is what happens: He says a remark about me that's offensive, then when he has to do one of our games he comes and apologizes and says, ‘I'm sorry.'

“So, I'm sure next year when he's doing a game he'll come up to me and say, ‘I'm sorry,' and it will be the same thing over again. It will probably be next year when I go back to Miami and he's doing a game with ESPN.”

Theismann sure does have a propensity for being smacked down by “drug addicts.”

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Post Mortem

Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny is going to be ripped in the local media for his temper tantrum on Monday. But he should be applauded for it.

The Dodgers had jumped out to a huge early lead over Atlanta, but the Braves had closed the game to 8-5 and had runners on first and third when Manager Grady Little relived the Penny. But why would Penny be so mad?

He had only pitched 4 1/3 innings, meaning he needed just two more outs to qualify for his sixth win of the season.

Penny then had a complete meltdown as he trashed the Dodgers dugout like Billy Idol in a hotel room while yelling at Little and pitching coach Rick Honeycutt. (Seriously, Honeycutt is your pitching coach?)

Some might see something like this and think, Penny is a narcissistic a-hole. But he is our type of guy. The kind of guy that you would want on your fantasy team. Penny had pulled other shenanigans in his last start against Colorado when he asked to be taken out after the fifth inning despite pitching a shutout. Hey, no reason to ruin your ERA when you already have a victory in hand. Again, not great team baseball, perfect fantasy league baseball. You are now encouraged to make a deal for Brad Penny immediately.


  • Is it a coincidence that the lights at Long Beach’s Blair Field caught fire the night former Dirtbags pitcher Jered Weaver made his major-league debut? Not to get too excited about one start, but the Angels could have saved about $9M if they had just promoted Jered and neglected to sign Jeff. Did anybody see Jeff Weaver in the dugout? His cheering was about as sincere as Daniel Baldwin rooting on his brothers to win an Oscar. Oh well, maybe Jeff can now balloon up to 300 pounds to live off his more talented siblings.
  • At least Long Beach fans will have Weaver to root for as its team was snubbed for the NCAA baseball regionals. The Dirtbags do have a gripe as being swept at home by Cal State Fullerton (twice) should be viewed as more of an honor than anything else. Fullerton opens its regional with St. Louis as odds makers give the Titans the edge in coaching (George Horton over Tony LaRussa).
  • SI’s Peter King and Don Banks have already weighed in with their Super Bowl predictions. King sees the Cowboys over the Patriots. If Brett Favre was ever traded to a team coached by Bill Parcells or Bill Belichick, you would figure that King’s heart would explode. Banks is picking the Colts because it’s never to early to go with the chalk pick.


AND FINALLY

Remember how strange Ricky Williams seemed when he appeared bare footed at his return news conference with the Dolphins last year? Its seems like it is becoming a tradition. Click here to read a first-hand account.

715

Remember when Tony Dorsett passed Jim Brown on the NFL’s all-time rushing list in the late 1980s? CBS did not disrupt local coverage with Dorsett updates as he grew closer to Brown. Few even saw Dorsett reach the milestone live. Those who did will tell you that Texas Stadium was not equipped with confetti to celebrate the feat. A feat that would only draw a small blurb in the local newspaper.

You want to know why? He was the second guy to do it. Walter Payton already had the rushing title and—as a general rule—American’s don’t like second place.

Just ask Buzz Aldrin.

So why are ESPN pinheads such as Joe Morgan, John Kruk and other analysts surprised that America doesn’t care about Barry Bonds passing Babe Ruth? They can spend the better part of their airtime talking about what a great accomplishment it is, but nobody is buying it.

This isn’t about Bonds being a bad dude, a wife beater, or a cheat. Sure, those things don’t help, but it’s just not that interesting to be in second place. In a rare instance, Major League Baseball should be applauded for ignoring Bonds this past weekend. Not because the guy is more juiced than the Ferrari that Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. drove in Cannonball Run, but because it is a dull story.

If Bonds could keep his Balco-produced body in shape long enough to give Hank Aaron a run, give us a ring. Otherwise, nobody is interested no matter how badly ESPN wants us to.

Friday, May 26, 2006

The Weak Ender

You really have to feel for Danica Patrick. The world is starting to revolt against women competing in reality TV shows. First Kelly Monaco gets burned in a Dancing With the Stars rematch. Leggy Stacy Keibler can’t even break the top two the following year. Katharine McPhee loses out to George Clooney and Jay Leno’s love child in American Idol—though in fairness the AARP does vote in record numbers so it wasn’t that big of a shock. So expect Patrick’s entry in the IRL to end badly.

Patrick’s participation in the IRL is part of a reality show, right? Because there is no other explanation.

Actually, it seems like the IRL has chosen Patrick to become the Anna Kournikova of open wheel racing and she has. Patrick is still searching for her first win just like Kournikova. But that won’t stop the IRL from having her pose for "sexy" pictures where she looks about as comfortable as your average WNBA player in high heels. (The only headlights in those pictures is the vapid trance-like look in her eyes.) Patrick will be the top story of the Indy 500, despite ranking 12th in the standings (out of nine drivers) and finishing 10th in qualifying.

But hey, she people think she is hot, but others know better. Still, the IRL is going to beat this angle into the ground.

Just imagine if she ever wins a race.


  • American Idol prediction: McPhee did a duet with Meatloaf and she will end up looking like the portly singer before her 30th birthday. She’ll be pushing into Kristie Allie territory. Make as much money as you can now, girl.
  • Would really like to buy into the notion that the Ducks can rally from a 3-0 deficit to advance to the Stanley Cup finals. The question is, how come this hasn’t happened more times in the past? There have been plenty of teams that have lost the first two games of a series and still come back to win four consecutive games. It just seems like it should happen once in a while. The Ducks are going to win on Saturday night and then the pressure if going to be immense on Edmonton in Game 6. If this thing goes seven games, forget it.

AND FINALLY

Major League Baseball has suspended Michael Barrett for hitting Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski in last week’s brawl. Well, it was a brawl in the sense that Mike Tyson’s first 18 professional fights were brawls and not a savage beat down. The suspension shook the MLB hard, so much so that it reduced Washington manager Frank Robinson to tears when he heard the news.

eBay

Bought an old school Los Angeles Rams warm-up jacket (once owned by John Math) on eBay a couple of years ago. Now the inbox gets filled up with “other items you may be interested in,” most of them pertaining to the Los Angeles Rams like the sweatshirt on the right.

But seriously, what exactly are they selling? Check out the listing. (And no truth to the rumor that the model in the folder is former Rams beat writer Don Seeholzer.)

The highlight is the listing for a book on the history of the LA Rams. Check out the listing to see who the author is. Totally bidding on that bad-boy.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Palmer: A Real Hater

Carson Palmer sparred no details when he laid out his feelings during a recent Sports Illustrated story. Palmer said that he hated UCLA, but not as much as he now hates the Steelers—who he wished will lose every game next season. (Mike Holmgren likely agrees.)

Palmer also lashed out at the doctor who performed knee surgery—Dr. Lonnie Paulos—when he said that the doc likes to hear himself talk and see his name in the paper. (Was this guy on the Real World?)

But his most impressive blast was reserved for former Baltimore/Philadelphia Stars (along with Saints and Colts) coach Jim Mora. The current NFL Network analysts said that Palmer would probably not be ready to start the season. Palmer immediately went to the “He doesn’t know me card” and then asked if this was the same guy who would go on locker room rants about making the playoffs. (He is.)

So we would like to offer these heart-warming posters to Carson Palmer, to hopefully keep up his motivation during rehab.



Nash

Is there anybody who can explain why Steve Nash was allowed to leave the Mavericks and end up in Phoenix? Did they seriously think this guy was not good enough? Mark Cuban does not seem like the type of owner who pinches pennies on his team. Haircuts, maybe. Properly fitting clothing, absolutely. But not his basketball team.

Bill Stoneman gets a bad rap on this board for letting a few players go, but at least his moves seem a little justifiable. Nash, not so much.

This series should be a good one. Maybe enough to even catch a game or two (well, you maybe). The Suns will fold in Game 2, rally to win Game 3, lose Games 4 and 5 before winning the final two. (Sorry Bucky.)

You should have known better. Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach finally figured it out. Benny not so much. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed, too.

Always Liked That Kid

Huge Dallas McPherson fans here. Seriously. Ditto for the gritty Jeff Weaver. What a pick-up. That Bill Stoneman, he’s a genius.

Alright, let’s not get carried away. The Internet is great in which your opinion on a person (or team) can change quicker than Paris Hilton changes sex partners. But you can’t let Stoneman off the hook just yet.

The Angels were able to end a six-game losing streak by beating Texas twice. It seemed like the first time the Angels have won a season series since Mo Vaughn weighed less than 600 pounds. More importantly, the Angels pulled closer to Oakland (4.5 games) in the standings.

But remember as the Wolf said in Pulp Fiction, “Let’s not start (expletive) each other’s (expletive) just yet.

Stoneman may look good at the moment by the call-up of Kendry Morales (about time) or the late power surge by McPherson. But that’s even more reason to make a deal to get another stick. The Angels need one more guy who can fill that OF/DH slot, to spell Garret Anderson in the outfield and to platoon with Tim Salmon. Now it is imperative to make a deal instead of sitting on your hands. Still, it looks like things could be turning around.

Of course, if the Angels lose to Baltimore this weekend, Stoneman is a bum, Morales stinks, and McPherson is no Troy Glaus.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Why Not Give Him the Finger Instead?

Broncos quarterbacks have long been a menace to the general public in Denver. If a quarterback’s wife is not stealing some poor kid’s colon, another quarterback is busy head-butting your driveway.

Now the citizens of Denver are in constant fear of a rogue quarterback driving the city streets running over people in his Hummer Honda Element (seriously?) like the NFL’s version of Mad Max. (Or at least Michael Pittman’s wife.)

Jake Plummer has been summonsed for a hit-and-run driving/road rage incident two days after the NFL Draft. Both drivers have offered conflicting reports on the incident.

Plummer claims that he was in a rush to a charity event after he had discovered a cure for pediatric cancer. Plummer then said that he 'totally forgot the whole cure thing' when he was rear-ended by Doug Stone. Plummer then got out of the car, check for damage, fixed a dog’s broken leg, helped an old lady across the street, signed an autograph for Doug and noted that his tire pressure was a little low.

Stone said that Plummer cut him off in traffic and blared the horn at him. Plummer then got out of his sweet ride, kicked Stone’s truck, burned an American flag, punched a girl scout, urinated on a bible and yelled “Jay Cutler sucks,” as he sped away.

Yeah, we totally believe Stone in this case.

Sorry if you lost money on the predictions on this site. You should have known better. Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach finally figured it out. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed, too.

It Is Still No Fun

Thank God the NFL has finally restored order and smacked down Saints rookie Reggie Bush, who will not be allowed to wear No. 5 this season. It’s a good thing, too. Imagine the slippery slope that would have been created if Bush were allowed to wear No. 5. All hell would have broken loose and guys like Browns quarterback Charlie Frye would have tried to switch to No. 60 in homage to Otto Graham.

Bush had originally stated that, if the league allowed him to wear No. 5, he would donate part of the proceeds to charity. By refusing to go along with Bush, is Kayne West going to say that the NFL does not care about black people? (Bush said that he would still donate a portion of his jersey sales to Katrina victims and his parents hush money.)

Is this really the most important thing the NFL competition committee had to discuss this year? How about taking care of shoddy officiating or other real problems facing the league? It’s humorous that baseball has to fight the stigma of steroids every day. Yet the NFL has 6-foot-8 guys who weigh 400 pounds and run 4.4 40-yard dashes and NFL writers are all bent out of shape about the number a rookie running back should be allowed to wear. (And how great House is this season.)

Priorities, eh?

Sorry if you lost money on the predictions on this site. You should have known better. Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach finally figured it out. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed, too.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Running Numbers

Let’s see if we got this straight. The NBA has a struggling franchise in Toronto, that recently hired one of the league’s favorite sons—Bryan Colangelo—as general manager. And said team just won the NBA Draft Lottery, overcoming a nine percent chance to win the top pick?

Yeah, that is totally legitimate.

It’s nice to see that some traditions of the NBA are still alive and well. The Chicago Bulls just announced that they would be happy with Wayman Tisdale. Just kidding. Not like there is a clear-cut No. 1 in this draft.

But could the league at least try to seem a little bit more legitimate that Vito’s bingo game at St. Angelo’s in the old hood?

A Poster is Worth...












The motivational poster has now replaced “Calvin pissing” as the new way to express opinions. A new toy has been found. Our work day is screwed. It might be for a long time. Keep checking back for more posters.

Epidemic

Emergency rooms in Southern California have swollen beyond capacity as millions of sports fans have simultaneously jumped off of two bandwagons—one for the Ducks, the other for the Clippers. Now what are all of those Aliso Viejo soccer moms going to do with those Clippers flags they bought for their SUVs?

The Clips showed about as much fight as A.J. Pierzynski Monday night. What a sad performance.

What is it about Mike Dunleavy and Game 7? At least people will now forget that his Blazers blew that 15-point fourth quarter lead against the Lakers in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. (Seriously, don’t care if the year is wrong, you know what we are talking about.) Did the Clippers even practice during the week off between Game 6 and Game 7? It was as if Dunleavy was too busy watching the Sopranos instead of actually preparing a game plan.

Oh well. With the Clippers eliminated, the Ducks on the verge of elimination, and the Kings getting ready to start the “diving” era under Marc Crawford, it is safe to again ignore the NBA and NHL.

Sorry if you lost money on the predictions on this site. You should have known better. Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach finally figured it out. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed, too.

Monday, May 22, 2006

It's Game 7

This is why the Clippers acquired Sam Cassell. No really, this was all a part of the master plan. Honestly. The Clippers brought in Cassell to provide veteran leadership during the playoffs.

The Clippers point guard is the anti-Manning—he plays the biggest when the stakes are the highest. Cassell is 5-1 in game 7s during his career. As much as Elton Brand is the best player on the Clippers, Cassell will be the deciding factor.

Hopefully Mike Dunleavy will remember to play him in the fourth quarter.

The Suns have rested up the past couple of days, but how long can they continue to stave off elimination? Phoenix played three elimination games against the Lakers and has been outplayed in nearly every game by the Clippers in this series. Tonight will be the night when the Clippers put it all together and win easier that most people will believe.

In the other game we will miss while bowling—the Spurs will end up routing the Mavericks by about 40 points. Both games tonight will be let downs.

Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach finally figured it out. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed, too.

LA: You Can Keep 'Em

The old cliché says that you can’t fire the whole team. Think they would be willing to make an exception in the case of the Angles?

It’s hard to write off an entire season, especially with the AL West being as bad as it is. But the Angels would have a hard time winning the Big West with Robb Quinlan at first base. Chone Figgins has evolved into a modern day Gary Pettis. And Dallas McPherson combines the injury history of Troy Glaus with the hitting prowess of Rene Gonzales. (Look him up, that was funny.)

But don’t give the offense all of the discredit. The Angels pitching, led by Jeff Weaver and Ervin Santana, deserves some recognition, too. The Angels hitters have struggled so mightily this season, the only thing that might turn them around would be to have Weaver serve up batting practice.

So it has been a team effort. Like Darin Erstad said on Thursday night when Adam Kennedy and Figgins were involved in a slap-fight in the shower, do not point fingers—everybody on this team has sucked. Even Vladimir Guerrero has had lapses where his defense has resembled that of Pedro Guerrero.

Luckily for Angels fans Bill Stoneman is on the case. Remember that huge trade he made that one time? No, not the Kent Bottenfield for Ron Gant deal, the other one. Yeah, nobody can name another deal because he has never made one. You can’t fire the whole team, but Stoneman won’t even try. This weekend was evidence of that. One Los Angeles team has been successful in picking up free agents and promoting rookies who have exceed their building.

Just never figured it would be the Dodgers instead of the Angels.

Small Glimmer of Hope

If you heard that a genetically engineered, steroid-bred thoroughbred had pulled up lame just shy of reaching a career milestone, you would have thought it was Barry Bonds right? Like all of those steroids caused to leg to fall off or something? Instead, it was Barbaro who failed in his quest for the Triple Crown after suffering a life-threatening leg injury.

And unlike a Bonds injury, people were actually concerned about the health of Barbaro.

Bonds did tie Babe Ruth’s mark with home run 714 on Saturday, showing that God really takes this resting on the seventh day thing seriously. But it wasn’t all bad. Tyler Snyder, the 19-year old man who caught Bonds home run ball, redeemed those idiot A’s fans who cheered the accomplishment—by refusing to give the ball to Bonds.

“Hell no, I hate that guy” Snyder said.

Would you ever consider meeting Bonds to let him look at the ball? “Maybe. But I don’t really care for the guy.”

God bless him.

Link for the story: Inside the Bay Area.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Proof God Loves Us



And be honest, he had to do something to make up for the whole Barry Bonds thing.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Weak Ender

Southern California is swept up in Clippermania, but could the Miami Heat actually be the 21st Century version of the Lakers? Think about it. The Heat has the former Lakers coach (Pat Riley), the former Lakers center (Shaq) and a guard who actually tries to win games (Dwyane Wade).

Add the fact that the Miami Heat dancers (left) are a lot hotter (no 46-year-old dance veterans) and the case is overwhelming.

Steve “The Bish” Bisheff said that the Pistons were a lock for the Finals a few weeks ago, but look at the Heat now. The Heat quietly put away that team they played in the second round (seriously, who was it?) and are going to be well-rested for the conference finals. Detroit has been exposed by a very average Cavaliers team.

The Heat is now the favorite to win the Eastern Conference. And even worse, Lakers fans, there is a very real possibility that the Clippers and Heat could clash in the NBA Finals. Can anybody else imagine Shaq hoisting the NBA championship trophy (does it have a name?) in Staples Center wearing a Heat uniform?

  • The Ducks are finally set to begin their conference finals series against the Edmonton Oilers. Can’t wait to see that match-up. Oh yeah, the series will be played on OLN. That means nobody will see game one except for the lesbians who actually get OLN.
  • The Pistons and Spurs are both down in their respective series, but there is little doubt they will both win on Friday night, and eventually wrap up the series at home in game seven. It’s been fun, but neither the Mavs or Cavs have much hope to succeed—even at home. Don’t get your hopes up
  • Barry Bonds will be attempting to tie Babe Ruth this weekend in Oakland. A’s officials are expecting an over-flow crowd of almost 10,000 people.
  • There is something wrong with the world when Russ Springer is given a four-game suspension for having the audacity of pitching Bonds inside. Maybe if Bonds would remove that (as John Lackey would say) kitty-cat pad on his elbow and back off the plate, this would not happen.
AND FINALLY

The Angels held a closed-door meeting following another tough loss against Toronto in which Vladimir Guerrero displayed the fielding skills of Jose Canseco. The Angels hover just above last place as this experiment of trying to blend the spending power of the New York Yankees with the 1990s minor league model of the Indians just isn’t working. Nobody would have blamed Bill Stoneman if he had kept Dallas McPherson, Casey Kotchman and Jeff Mathis in the minors to take another run for a title. Now the Angels are not only left without guys like Troy Glaus who could provide some much-needed power. To make matters worse, do you think there is a trade value for McPherson or Kotchman now? Remember this when OC and Adam Kennedy are let go for two "can't miss" stars.

As if that wasn't a swift enough kick to the junk, the little sisters of SoCal baseball—the Dodgers—are going to have their fun with the Angels this weekend. You have hit rock bottom when Frank McCourt is running a tighter ship.

Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed.

Clippers Win: See You Next Week



Seriously.

Why doesn’t the NBA just postpone the playoffs until Kurt Thomas and Amare Stoudemire are healthy and ready to go? The NBA playoffs are now drug out longer than American Idol. We will announce the winner of the division series between the Suns and the Clippers…right after these messages.

The Suns have played something like 13 games in the past 25 days, but whose fault is that? Maybe if the Suns hadn’t fallen behind 3-1 to the Lakers, they wouldn’t be complaining about getting a day off.

But it is the small things like this that remind people why they were turned off to the sport in recent years. Everybody says that the NBA is back and that this postseason is fun. And it is. Little innocuous things, though, continue to bug. Like Sam Cassell mugging for the cameras instead of getting the ball over half-court in eight seconds. And the league still stretches out playoff series to nauseating levels. It’s a cheaper stunt than a two-part finale to Dancing With the Stars (only that show was less rigged than your typical NBA playoff game).

No matter, the Clippers will end this thing on Monday night. And gear up for the conference finals—slated to begin in June.

Bud Bummed By Bonds Boos

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig told reporters that while he is not surprised Bonds is the target of abuse, he wishes the fans would stop.

Fans in Houston, Philadelphia and Los Angeles lampooned the Giants slugger with signs and costumes targeting his steroid use. Fans in Houston cheered when Russ Springer plunked Bonds.

Selig—who admittedly is not a huge fan of Bonds—is embarrassed by all of the attention and wishes that the fans would focus on other things Bonds has proven to be quite good at.

“He was a tremendous wife-beater, too,” Selig said. “People tend to forget that. I see the fans with their signs, dressed up as juice boxes and syringes. It’s clever, but I wish the fans would show a little bit more creativity and start making fun of Bonds’ past spousal abuse.”

Bonds was charged with domestic abuse in 1993 when he kicked his wife (Sun Bonds) and grabbed her around the neck during an argument. Bonds also allegedly chased her outside, threw her against the car before again grabbing her around the neck and tossed her partially down some stairs. Bonds also allegedly threw Sun to the ground and kicked her in the buttocks according to a police report.

See, he was an ass-kicker before the steroids—something Selig would like fans to remember before they taunt Bonds.

“How about a few ‘wife beater’ chants,” Selig said. “Or maybe something like the ‘stair master’ or “hit the ball not your wife.’ Something that shows the fans they have done their home work and baseball fans are the best in the world.”

Thursday, May 18, 2006

A Picture is Worth...



Kobe hasn't looked this uncomfortable since he has holding hands with his wife trying to tell everybody he was innocent. That bulge in his pocket is from the $4M earrings he bought Charles Barkley. You can only imagine that his legal counsel—Jackie Childs—was pissed at him for not wearing the cardigan like he had asked him to.

Birds Warn Leinart

Cardinals top draft pick Matt Leinart has been warned by the club to cool his partying ways. The team is concerned that Leinart’s cavorting with slutty hotel heiresses will have a negative impact on the team.

And you know the Birds are all about business. Just look at all of those championships the club has won since 1947.

This is a bad move by the Birds. I mean, this is totally shocking that he is out partying with celebrities. Oh wait, it’s the Cardinals—it's not like they do any research. But for the first time in a long time, the Birds are actually interesting. For the first time in a long time we, living out in Sunset Beach, Calif., are not being burdened by season ticket calls.

Let the guy run around with who he wants. All quarterbacks go through this phase. Hell, Jim Kelly is still going through this phase. Let the guy cut loose during his rookie season. Of course, for every John Elway who hits the town too much, there is a Brian Griese who falls down drunk on his teammates driveway.

But let the kid go through this. And when it is time to start for the Cardinals, he can settle down with a gal like Brenda Warner—and he’ll never want to be seen in public again.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Running Diary of the Arsenal vs. Barcelona

Evidentially there is some huge soccer match going on in Europe, something that has a lot of people (like our friend Flash) really excited. If it is a sporting event this big, we might as well break out a running diary, which tends to be all the rage these days.


45:00 – The team in stripes has the ball. The one short guy passes to another guy. He passes it back to the guy. That guy now passes it to another guy. He passes it to another guy.

44:00 – Uh, more of the same.

43:00 – Still nothing happening. But the dude with the hair (pictured) is doing some Joakim Noah deal. Maybe he will blow kisses into the crowd.

42:00 – The other team has the ball. They kick it deep. Some dude in stripes hits it with his head. He passes to another guy on his team, and so the cycle continues.

40:00 – Somebody actually makes their way past center court/field/pitch. It may be the first time this has ever happened. Ever.

39:00 – Wait a minute, does soccer start at 00:00 and work its way up? No wonder nobody in this country watches soccer. Why not just use the metric system to keep score?

36:00 – Some dude is lying on the ground. He could be dead. He is carried off on a stretcher. They have him loaded up in a ambulance.

35:55 – The guy who left on the ambulance is back in the game. He takes a shot and misses a great scoring chance—he came within 80 yards of the goal.

20(something) – Holy lord, somebody scored a goal! Why is it anytime somebody scores in soccer it looks like an accident?

Halftime – Arsenal leads 1-0. In football terms, the Arsenal are in the middle of a route just like the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIX. Uh oh, Barcelona is replacing its key personnel position guy with Frank Reich. This could get interesting after all, but it would take a miracle to overcome this daunting deficit.

UPDATE

45:00 – Totally not going for that ridiculous running clock thing. But the team with the stripes is controlling the ball right now.

43:00 – Somebody hits the post. Ha, wanker.

42:00 – Somebody mentions that the Arsenal haven’t allowed a goal in like 20 games. Normally this would be a jinx. But 20 games without a goal is like a pitcher pitching a scoreless inning.

Or at least two-thirds of an inning.

36:00 – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

25:00 – Heard there was some obscure rule where if you are trailing with like 20 minutes left, the team behind gets to use their hands.

20:00 – A lot of close chances—Barcelona almost crossed midfield.

14:00 – Oh my God, goal! We are witnessing the biggest comeback in the history of professional sports. Forget the Music City Miracle, the Holy Roller, and others. This could be the greatest comeback of all-time.

Some time later – You have to be kidding. Barcelona now has the lead. To put this in terms for people who watch sports, this is like the Birds falling behind 70-0 in the Super Bowl, and coming back to win. Unbelievable.

0:00 – There is no time left on the clock (90:00) and they are still playing. What do they think this is, the 1972 Olympic basketball game between the United States and the Soviet Union?

0:00 – Alright, the just kind of stopped playing. That’s lame. Is this over? Barcelona wins, evidentially. It’s kind of like that one second that is still floating out there from Super Bowl XXXVI.

Oh well, so Spain wins this thing. Are they the new World Cup champs? That went quick. But this was easily the greatest comeback in sports history.

Déjà vu All Over Again

Los Angeles is up by three points, with a foul to give. The Suns need a desperate three-point shot to tie the game.

Why does all of this seem so familiar?

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. The Clippers obviously didn’t learn a thing from their compatriots across the hall. There is no way that you can allow Raja Bell to shoot that ball. If anything, the Clippers should have learned something about Bell’s defensive technique on Kobe and not only kept him from shooting ball—but also kept him from eating solid foods for a few days.

Clippers guard Sam Cassell agreed.

"We had a young guy in the game. It's not his fault that Raja made his shot, but we've got to know better in that situation," Cassell said. "We've got a foul to give, we've got to put Raja Bell in the fifth row with the popcorn man, but we didn't do it."

Stoneman, He Told Us

Troy Glaus and Bengie Molina returned to Angels Stadium for the first time since being let go to huge ovations—much to the consternation of Bill Stoneman. The embattled general manager felt that the team didn’t need a third baseman that already has 12 home runs (the Angels as a team don’t seem to have as many) or a catcher that can play a little defense and hit.

And who can argue with Stoneman’s results as the Angels dwell in last place and started a third baseman on Tuesday that is batting .106?

Stoneman felt that Glaus was too fragile to play every day. So he let Glaus go last year in favor of a guy (Dallas McPherson) who missed most of the 2005 season with a hip injury.

That is why you could feel Stoneman beaming in the stadium after Glaus had to leave the game following a beaning by Angels starter Ervin Santana.

It’s not to say that Stoneman ordered Santana to throw at Glaus, but the GM was seen roaming the stadium earlier with Jeff Gillooly. It was as if Stoneman was going to do everything in his power to prove that Glaus couldn't play an entire season without getting hurt.

You can imagine that Stoneman bought a round of drinks for guys at the Catch as he gloated and said, “I told you so.” Well, at least for one night. Hope Stoneman enjoyed it.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Will Eagles Be Grounded?

Bad news Eagles fans: Peter King likes what your team is doing. The Eagles, he wrote in his column yesterday, will be fine without Terrell Owens. Like, who really needs a wide receiver that catches around 80 balls a year and registers double-digits in touchdowns? Those guys are like totally replaceable.

Besides, the Eagles have Jabar Gaffney (right) and his seven career touchdown receptions now.

The thinking is that the Eagles don’t need Owens. That he was such a big distraction, his antics overshadowed anything he did on offense. And besides, the club was good back in 2003, right? The problem is, this is the same kind of thinking that led Minnesota to deal Randy Moss.

You remember how that worked out for the Vikings—the team King picked to win the NFC last year.

The Eagles are in just as much trouble this season as the Vikings were prior to 2005. Maybe even more. Donovan McNabb was the NFC version of Peyton Manning before Owens arrived. McNabb, who was getting tired in big games with T.O., is expected to lead the Eagles back to where—losing title games again?

The Eagles don’t have much of a shot this season based on the roster. Guys like Todd Pinkston, Brian Westbrook, and those other scrubs couldn’t get over the hump prior to T.O.’s arrival. These guys were just journeymen who were just good enough to be second best in a bad NFC conference in the three years prior to Owens’ arrival. Now people are to believe they will be better without him? No chance.

And when you add in King’s kiss of death, this team is doomed.

Proof God Loves Us



Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace rolls his ankle after predicting Detroit would end Cleveland's season. The Cavs defeated the Pistons to even up their series.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Texas Still On Top

The Longhorns have a Texas-sized envy of USC, despite winning the Rose Bowl. Noting all of the troubles the Trojans have had off the field in recent years, Longhorn running back Ramonce Taylor showed that things are always bigger in Texas as he was arrested for possessing 5 pounds of marijuana and a handgun. (More like Ramounce, as in the 80 ounces of bud he was holding.) Texas now feels this is just the latest example of Texas being better than USC.

“You see a guy like Bush and Jarrett being investigated for what, getting some free rent,” asked Texas coach Mack Brown. “I challenged our team to take it one step past that and show those Trojans once and for all who is the better team. A pot charge would have been cool, but he went that extra mile with a gun unlike those soft California players. And that rape charge by their backup quarterback? That’s so Duke lacrosse.”

When asked if this would taint the Longhorns season, Brown not only said that it wouldn’t taint the title, it also would give legitimacy to his program.

“You look at the Oklahoma program in the 1980s and you can see that is where we are heading,” Brown said. “Hell, Nebraska didn’t start winning in the 1990s until they started getting criminals such as Lawrence Phillips. This is nothing more than a rite of passage.”

Be Serious for a Moment

It has been quite a few years for Bay Area fans. The Giants fans have proven to be one step to the right of Jonestown or the Branch Davidians with their blind loyalty to Barry Bonds. The Oakland A’s fans have stayed away from the ballpark in droves, forcing the team to close the upper deck and bring capacity down to around 7,500—and the team still can’t reach that mark.

And do you really need to hear more about Raiders fans?

All of that pales in comparison to what happened on Sunday night when the San Jose Sharks fans booed the Canadian national anthem. Be an idiot and cheer for Barry all that you want, but leave the Canadian national anthem out of it. O Canada is a sweet soothing hymn, unlike our call to war—the Star Spangled Banner. Booing o Canada is something you would expect from soccer fans south of the border. Hopefully Angels fans can represent a little better when the club plays host to the Blue Jays this week.

Why the Long Face?

Danielle was the Lucy to Terry’s Charlie Brown. Instead of a football, Danielle pulled $1M out from under Terry in the latest episode of Survivor. It is hard to imagine who screwed Terry the most—his is wife during their conjugal visit, or Danielle. It was the smart play. A poll during the Survivor reunion show indicated that Terry would also have beaten Danielle Secretariat for the game’s ultimate prize, just like the ultimate Survivor, Aras.

The good news is that Danielle is rested enough to try to win the upcoming Preakness on Saturday.

Friday, May 12, 2006

The Weak Ender

Clippermania is so out of control in Southern California, Jessica Simpson has died her hair red. You do not want to know what she did to show her support for the Anaheim Ducks.

Life has been good to the “B” teams of Southern California this year. So much so, the Dodgers fans are starting to believe that this could be their year. (Keep dreaming.)

It’s hard to say which bandwagon is fully loaded right now. It is tough to even catch a Ducks game on television—even the deciding game 4 on Thursday night was only broadcast on OLN. It might as well be called SOL because nobody in the Southland is going to pay extra for that channel.

Lakers fans are also slow to fully commit to the Clippers bandwagon. And to be honest, most Lakers fans don’t even follow their own team until the conference finals (if that). So there is still time.


  • Baseball has thrown the book at Delmon Young for his bat tossing incident with a scab umpire. Baseball really sent a message by handing out a 50 game suspension. Major League Baseball also has made a statement by not suspending the Yankees Bernie Williams who beaned (as much as noodle-armed Williams could) an umpire with a batting helmet during the team’s 14-3 loss to Boston on Tuesday night. The moral of the story is, if you want to abuse an umpire, you had better be a member of the New York Yankees. They evidentally can do whatever they want.
  • Are the Ottawa Senators really the Indianapolis Colts of the NHL? Is there a bigger front running, less hockey-savy crowd than Anaheim? Check out The Universal Cynic and Divealanche.com. Seriously, do you want to trust us for your hockey news?
  • Maybe MLB is taking pity on the Yankees because that Japanese guy just broke his wrist and Gary Sheffield is nursing some sort of injury probably caused by all of the steroids he took while sharing a trainer with Barry Bonds.
  • Kobe Bryant was selected to the NBA’s all defense team. Well deserved after that epic playoff shutdown Bryant put on the Suns Steve Nash.
AND FINALLY


Have you ever been liquored up and thought to yourself, man, I should be a baseball announcer. Well Rick Sutcliffe beat you to it. The former Cubs pitcher, along with Bill Murray, showed up smashed for an interview on the Padres telecast. Good to see the memory of Harry Carey still lives on.

Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. What else do you have to do this weekend? Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed.

Lil' Hater: Nice Job Nancy Boys

Lil’ Hater has broken from his recent college speaking tour to speak out on Michael Cohen, the "man" suing the Angels for not being given a Mother’s Day promotional item.

What the [expletive]?

A Los Angeles man is suing the LA Angels for not giving him a gift bag last Mother’s Day? He should probably sue God for not giving him a set of balls, while he is at it. Important line of the story: “Women over 18 received the gifts.” So all men did not receive the gift. So A-Rod was able to walk out with a free bag from the game. That’s nice.

This is what Arte Moreno gets for trying to pretend the Angels are an LA-based team. Now you get a-holes from LA coming to the game and filing frivolous lawsuits in OC, wasting our county’s time and money. That’s what the Anaheim City Council is for.

If Moreno kept calling the team the Anaheim Angels, and marketing the team as such, the idiot psychiatrist would’ve gone to a Dodgers game instead. Then, when he bitched about not getting a free purse or whatever, he would have been stabbed to death by local Raiders fans attending the Dodger game.

The Angels are really stupid, though. The team is now giving away the women’s bags to the first 25,000 patrons through the door, over 18. So now this guy will have some kids complaining that they are be discriminated against. Way to buckle under, Angels. Maybe they should take a page from the Washington Redskins who won’t even change their offensive mascot name, much less give some jerk a purse.

It is hard to figure out who I hate more here, the Angels or this moron.

That’s it for me. It’s back onto my college tour to keep hooking up with these ex-Real World cast members.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Hate To Say We Told You So

Not really.

As mentioned on Tuesday, this was a perfect mail-in game for the Suns. Pity all of those poor souls who paid a lot of money for tickets to Wednesday night’s game. It was a complete domination by the Clippers.

And really, when did you ever think you would ever hear that?

That is the worst part of the NBA. Teams don’t come ready to play every night, even during the playoffs. You would never see that in the NFL.

The Manning family not withstanding.

Sticking with the original prediction of Clippers in five. This series really shouldn't be that close at all. Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed.

Sports Dork: Need More Cowgirl

The Sports Dork Bill Simmons has never been noted for his work ethic. Face it, the dude makes Steve Spurrier look diligent. But the Dork has been especially lazy as of late. His work resembles that of Mike Davis in his last days at Indiana. An resigned coach on his last legs. The current speculation is that he is mailing in the final days of his ESPN contract. Whatever the case, the dude has seemed to cut some corners.

Take the Dork’s recent offering on ESPN, a stale concept that women don’t like fantasy sports. The Dork said that his wife feels the same way about celebrity magazines as he does fantasy sports.

The Sports Gal loves Us Weekly. It's her bible. She devours it religiously each week. She examines every picture, reads every story and mutters stuff like, "My God, she's too skinny!" and "I just don't get why they're together!"… She likes seeing what everyone is wearing. She likes the gossip. She out-and-out loves the "Fashion Police" and the "Stars -- They're Just Like Us" sections. (Because, after all, stars are just like us! They go to Starbucks! They take out the trash!) There is nothing about Us Weekly she doesn't appreciate."

As noted, it was nothing Earth shattering and a little too familiar. Nobody realized just how familiar it was until this was point out by a poster on the Sons of the Sports, ah whatever they call that site. (The Dork has never been there.)

The Hater Nation favorite, Cowgirl, has been penning an advice column on SI.com and was asked for her take on fantasy sports in her April 24th column.

While I don't partake in fantasy sports, I do understand the draw behind them. I can also understand your girlfriend's perspective, too, being that my ex had an obsession with NCAA Football on PlayStation. When guys devote so much time to something other than us, we feel less important. The best way to get her to understand your point of view is to relate it to a hobby of hers you don't find particularly amusing, like her obsession with celebrity life and trash mags. Tell her that while she may not care who is being traded this week or how well your team is doing, you couldn't care less about what Brad and Angelina are naming their child or when Britney and K-Fed are splitting up.

So not only is the Sports Dork lazy, he is stealing bits from Cowgirl. That is what the Sports Dork has become? He’s fallen further than Dirk Diggler in the "Sister Christian" scene from Boogie Nights.

Obviously he misheard Bruce Dickinson who said “I need more cowbell,” not go steal a bit from Cowgirl.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Proof God Loves Us



Juan Pierre robs Barry Bonds of home run number 714.

Madden First Look

There are pictures of Madden '07 bouncing around the web and it is time for the obligatory, “Wow, these graphics look great,” moment. Yeah, we get it, the new images are wonderful.

The game does go into a lot of graphic detail as it painstakingly includes Mike Vick’s STDs, spit flying out of Bill Cowher's mouth and a blonde bimbo to follow around the Cardinals new rookie quarterback. Those things are great, and they make the game really enjoyable.

But paying so much attention to small details sometimes make you miss the big thing. Take this screen shot for instance. Notice anything wrong?



The Cardinals are playing host to the Seahawks at Sun Devil Stadium in this picture, despite opening a new stadium in Glendale, Ariz. Now it’s cool that the game includes a lump in Pacman Jones' sock from the ounce of blow he is holding, but do you think you could get the Cardinals stadium correct? John Madden, the game’s namesake, is growing senile. Didn’t realize that it affected the programmers, too.

Rest assured that the Birds will make EA Sports rue the day that they disrespected the franchise. Those jerks had better wait until Deadspin finds out about this!

Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl for other hackey jokes. Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed.

How About Them Padres?

Just kidding. But Angels fans need something to keep their minds occupied as the offense continues to limp along like Verbil Kint. It is becoming painful to watch the Angels offense. Tom Cruise’s turkey baster has done more scoring this year. Unless an Angels pitcher tosses a shutout, the team will lose. And if you know anything about Jeff Weaver, you know that is not going to happen.

The Angels three biggest liabilities are in centerfield, third base, and catcher. But where could the team ever find three players like that who could fill these spots?



Oh yeah, that’s right.

Trading Jim Edmonds is defensible. Fine. Adam Kennedy, three home runs in the ALCS. Yes, yes, yes. The club wins on a technicality there.

Allowing Troy Glaus and Bengie Molina to walk away with no compensation is inexcusable. Glaus rehabbed from a season-ending injury in 2004 to lead the Angels to the division title. His reward was no contract. Molina’s transgression was being the most clutch hitter on a dreadful offensive club in 2005.

Nobody gets timely hits in this version of Angels baseball.

Angels general manager Bill Stoneman felt the time was right to bring up some of the highly-touted prospects. That is the kind of thing that perennial losers such as the Dodgers should do. Teams competing for division titles should keep its players. It is not to say that the club should acquire aging superstars like the Yankees, but at least keep the guys you have. There were no reasons to let Glaus and Molina go.

Unless of course Stoneman wanted his approval rating to mirror that of the President. Then in that case, mission accomplished.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Athlete's New Secret

Victoria’s Secret is getting into the sports bra market. Unfortunately it is too late to save the failed WUSA women’s soccer league. Victoria's Secret, made famous by its lingerie models, feels that it has an active market in lesbians who want to feel sensual while they are breaking up two.

And the company has already lined up its first athlete to endorse its product.

Victoria’s Secret announced on Monday that it had signed Phil Mickelson to wear its line of sports bra. The Master’s champion admitted that he was wearing a Victoria’s Secret “Bro” (brazier for men) prior to donning the famed green jacket.

“I like the support and it really helps to keep my man boobs in check,” Mickelson said.

Sources close to negotiations indicated that the company was close to inking deals with golfer John Daly and Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells. The source said that a deal with Parcells would be a “natural fit.”

Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl for other hackey jokes. Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed.

Breathless

Anybody else out of breath after watching David Blaine attempt to hold his for nine minutes? The telecast was like a panic attack waiting to happen, and easily the most uncomfortable television viewing in quite some time.

But what do you expect when you cast Stuart Scott as a host?

It seems as though the execs at ABC feel that Scott has inflicted enough damage on sports fans and are intent on moving him into the mainstream. Give him a shot on The View and be done with it.

Speaking of breathless television, it was nice to see the Suns and Clippers actually play basketball. It was a breath of fresh air to see two teams hit open jumpers and actually attempt to outscore each other instead of the thug-like basketball that goes on in the Eastern conference.

Good game for the Suns. Hope they enjoy it, because it appeared that Phoenix shot its wad on Monday night. The Suns were riding the momentum of their upset of the Lakers (you read that right) on Monday and—in true NBA fashion—will be ready to mail it in on Wednesday. The Clippers will win both home games before closing this thing out in five games.

That’s right, five games. (If you are going to jump on the bandwagon, do so with both feet.)

Hot Rumor: Much like the Angels capitalized on the Rally Monkey during their World Series run in 2002, the Mighty Ducks are close to introducing the Steve Bisheff Rally Toupee. It could be the hit of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Nooooo!

The Bay Area is the home to one of the most disturbing sports stories in recent history. No matter how much we wish for this story to not be true, it is. The unthinkable is going to happen and the world will be better off if everybody just deals with it and moves on.

Of course, that big story is that Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has signed with the Oakland.

The Hater Nation avoided disaster when the Raiders passed on Matt Leinart in the draft. Not so lucky with Smart. The sports world died a little when one of the greatest players in XFL history signed Oakland. Forget Barry Bonds on the cusp of passing Babe Ruth. This hurts much worse. In fact, there is a conspiracy theory that the Raiders signed Smart in direct retaliation to this website. Who is next, Tommy Maddox?


But don’t worry, Rod.



We could never hate you.

Monday Post Mortem

It is hard to figure who suffered the worst beat-down on Saturday night—Kobe Bryant or Richardo Mayorga. The trash-talking loudmouth, although very talented, seemed to believe a little too much in his abilities. He probably also wished he hadn’t said a lot of the things that he had in the days leading up to the epic showdown.

Mayorga probably feels the same way, too.

You have to wonder if Bryant knows who Raja Bell is right now. Does he know this kid? You can say that Bell delivered a cheap shot with his lariat in game 5, but it is hard to argue with the results. The Suns won three consecutive games after the incident, despite Bell missing game six. Kobe can try to brush off the incident, but he scored only one point in the decisive third quarter. With the Lakers trailing by 15 points, a determined Bryant came out at halftime and did not take his first shot until 4:14 had passed. Kobe only took three shots in the second half total.

And people thought the Kobe was the NBA’s MVP?

It’s hard to imagine a star more afraid to shoot the ball in a game 7 as Kobe repeatedly avoided taking any shot. Even Duke guard J.J. Manning was embarrassed by Kobe. It was like Kobe was giving up and—by not taking a shot—could put the blame on his teammates instead of taking responsibility for the Lakers loss.

Mayorga ended up looking like one of those late 80s WWF villains who would run their mouth but end up getting creamed by Hulk Hogan. And it wasn’t even that close. At least Mayorga went out swinging. The same couldn’t be said for Kobe.

  • The Detroit Lions players have filed a grievance against new head coach Rod Marinelli for making them practice too hard. Lions president Matt Millen retaliated by filing a counter-grievance against the players for being too crappy.
  • Packers quarterback Brett Favre intimated that 2006 might not be his last season. That could only mean a couple of things. Favre either wants to go through another summer charade of playing Cindy Brady’s “I’ve got a secret,” about his retirement plans or he really wants to make the all-time interception record untouchable. Favre is only 22 picks away from the all-time mark.
  • The following was written after meeting up with Sulley and the HB Rugby Club at Mother’s in Sunset Beach. (If you need to see some pictures of Mother’s, open your Sublime jewel case for their self-titled CD to see it. Let’s just say it makes the Screamin’ Chickin’ in Devore, Calif., seem upstanding.)
  • Quote of the week: From Raja Bell’s mother: Need a hug, Kobe? Even the dude’s mother owns the Lakers superstar. Hopefully she never meets up with him in a Colorado hotel room.
  • The Ducks are up 2-0 over the Divealanche. Thank god somebody won that free Ducks hat at the National prior to the Big West basketball tournament. Any more room left on the bandwagon?
  • Anybody want two tickets to Clippers home game four? Anybody? They are super cheap?
YOUR MOMENT OF BISH

Here is the Bish’s take on the Angels pitching staff in his "Ask Steve Bisheff segment:" I think with the addition of Jeff Weaver, this staff is now stronger than the one last year.

Oh really? Here are the stats of Weaver and the man he replaced, Jarrod Washburn.
Jarrod Washburn: 2-4, 3.61 ERA, with a WHIP of 0.97.
Jeff Weaver: 1-4, 6.43 ERA, and hitters are almost batting .300 off of him. And yes, the Bish is making six figures to come up with takes such as that.

Some more news: Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed. Anybody been to the Screamin' Chickin?

Friday, May 05, 2006

The Weak Ender

Back in the day, players with inadequacies would opt for an extra large cup. Now they wear elbow pads.

Just like Jason Kendall.

The A’s slugger uses his elbow pad as a way to get on base. And if you were hitting .225, you would likely try to do the same thing. But Kendall should at least be honest with himself. If you are going to use your elbow pad instead of your bat, you likely molests collies.

Kendall proved that on Tuesday. Angels pitcher John Lackey threw a breaking ball to the plate that Kendall leaned in on and tried to do something he hadn’t done much this season—make contact. Lackey then pointed out that men with small genitalia wear kitty cat pads and lean into pitches like that (we are guessing). This, of course, caused Kendall to snap. You get the feeling that Kendall is the kind of guy that struts around in wife-beater tank tops and spends most of his gym time posing in the mirror. It would explain why Kendall, generously listed at 6-feet tall, reacted like a short guy who has watched too many UFC matches.

Maybe baseball should take the batting helmets off these guys to see how tough they really are.

  • The Los Angeles football situation is getting nuttier with each passing day. California governor Arnold Schwartenwhatever is proposing that Los Angeles should have two teams. Nice idea, why not ask for Kelly Monaco and a hover car, too? Of course the Governator is oblivious to the fact that the three California teams currently playing in the NFL need new stadiums. Why would he want to alienate Bay Area and San Diego voters seeing that the Raiders and Chargers are candidates for relocation?
  • The Chargers also have been linked to San Antonio and Las Vegas. If you have been a reader of this site, you know that if a professional sports team ever moves to Las Vegas, they should pay any amount of money to secure the rights to the name, “Rat Pack.”
  • If Los Angeles ever gets an expansion franchise they should take back the football name that brought the most civic pride to the area. Bring back the Los Angeles Xtreme. (Sure you saw that coming, but so did everybody else.) It will be time to realign the NFL name wise if the league ever does come back to Los Angeles. Put the Rams name back in Los Angeles, Colts name back in Baltimore, and Cardinals name back to the Morgan Athletic Club.
  • The Ducks are in the second round. Yeah, we are just as surprised as you. If you want to read more about hockey, take it from the experts (and not this site) at Divealanche or The Universal Cynic.
  • The Lakers series would be over if they had Terry from Survivor taking that final shot.
  • Former Saints and St. Louis tackle Kyle Turley is trying out with the Dolphins as a tight end. They obviously aren’t too selective in Miami as the club also announced they would give Marcus Vick a tryout, too. And Damon Allen could not got a shot in the NFL.
AND FINALLY

Flash Warner is reporting that Casey Daigle and Jennie Finch’s son will be named Ace. The couple also announced their second son will be named Gary because they really just don’t want to give their kids a chance.

Some more news: Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach can't figure it out, but maybe you will have more luck. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed. And seriously, anybody get the Morgan Athletic Club joke? Anybody?

So Much For That

Kiss the battle of Los Angeles goodbye. There is no chance that it happens now. No way. The Lakers are done.

That guy who plays for the Lakers—what’s his name—that No. 8 guy, he was pretty good on Thursday night. He scored like 100 points, which should be some sort of record. But that guy—are we supposed to know who he is?—missed the final shot in regulation that could have won the series for the Lakers, but it wasn’t too be.

The Lakers fate, however, was sealed much earlier in the day. Long before what’s his name missed out on being a hero again. The Lakers were doomed when yours truly purchased Lakers vs. Clippers playoff tickets. And not just any playoff tickets. Game 7 tickets for the battle of Los Angeles.

So not only did the Lakers choke away a 3-to-1 series lead; the Lakers blew our chance to see the deciding Game 7 in person because that will now be a Suns home game. (If Phoenix survives that long against the Clips.)

Thanks for nothing, kid—whatever your name is.