Friday, March 31, 2006

Phantom of the Final Four

UCLA backup center Lorenzo Mata broke his nose during UCLA's practice on Wednesday. Mata, who also broke his nose in January against ASU, announced he would wear a mask in Saturday's semifinal against LSU. Maybe these injuries are just God's way of telling Mata that he should be wearing a mask full time. You figure that Mata will be wearing one of those clear masks, which really won’t highlight his features. Instead, maybe Mata should consider wearing a mask like this, or this, or maybe even this. Maybe Mata could use one of those masks and then switch Mata with Bill Walton at halftime. The officials would be none the wiser.

Of course, there is a better opportunity for Mata. He could don the mask and revive Andre The Giant's "Giant Machine" gimmick from the WWF in the 1980s.



Maybe Mata could even make an appearance at WrestleMania this weekend when UCLA is eliminated by LSU. Is Mata the ugliest player in college sports history? Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

And She’s Single

If these kids couldn't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

Anna Benson has decided to part ways with her husband, Kris, after she finally had done her best to ruin his career. Troublesome sports wives such as Joumana Kidd, Jackie Christie, Elisabeth Filarski and Lisa Gastineau will all wear black bras in remembrance.

Evidentially Anna must feel that the time is right to strike out on her own career. What, with her being an aspiring model and soon to be Playboy playmate. Posing for the men’s magazine should help launch her career much like it helped Jose Canseco’s wife – ah, what’s her name? Or that one girl who was on that one show – we will never forget her.

Maybe Anna should reconsider what she is doing. She is exhibiting the same kind of thinking that led David Caruso to leave NYPD Blue. Or the Sports Dork to become a TV writer.

Or maybe she has the same agent as Elizabeth Berkley who convinced her not to return for one more season of Saved by the Bell. Maybe that’s the hook for Benson. The end of Showgirls (yes, it is embarrassing to admit to watching until the end) hinted at a possible sequel. We now have our future star of Showgirls 2. We know she already did a lot of her research at Scores. Well played, Anna.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

What A Country

Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik were the greatest wrestling tag-team of all-time, if not the most hated. As the evil Russian, and the wrestling generation’s face of the cold war, Volkoff drew a lot of heat.

Now Volkoff is looking to become an even more despicable character – as a politician.

Volkoff is preparing for a run for the Maryland House of Delegates in September. Do you think he will ask for the playing of the Soviet national anthem before each session? Maybe the Iron Sheik can join him in office and the duo can be the heels of the Maryland legislature. You can see the Sheik saying, “West Virginia, #1! The District #1! Maryland, patoo!”

Maryland is so lucky.

Talk to The Iron Sheik, a regular contributor to The Hater Nation Forums. (Don't tell that sports editor for the local Orange County paper that it's a parody. He thinks its real.)

Let's Dance

By now you have heard more “No Fun League” jokes that you can stand, so let's not go there. The league did recently announce — in case you have not heard — that it will again enforce rules to limit end zone celebrations. Which is cool, if you are from the school of thought that dictates you should “act like you have been there before” when you reach the end zone.

It always seemed like a pro-choice type of thing. It is classy to toss the ball to the officials. But you can’t really begrudge a guy for celebrating when he scores. He worked hard to get into the end zone. If the defense is so worried about a player celebrating — stop him. What is far more offensive is a defensive player who celebrates after making a tackle. Congratulations. You have the easiest job on the field. Walk back to your defensive huddle while the adults on offense plot their way to the end zone.

But the league has made its choice. A player can still spike, dunk or spin a football. You can’t use the ball as a prop or celebrate from the ground.

This is really going to take a toll on the league's top dancing king:



You can talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Family Feud

It’s been an eventful 2006 for the Mannings—and it’s not even April. The family that exudes big game futility has crammed a lifetime’s worth of disappointments into just four short months. Peyton, Eli, and J.J. (you can read more about J.J.'s lineage here) have all managed to exceed expectations for ineptitude. But which brother has really carried the flag of ineptness for the Mannings?

The cases are laid out before you. It’s up to you to decide in the Hater Poll in the left-hand margin.

  • Peyton Manning’s failures have been well documented back to his college days at Tennessee. The year 2005 was a new low—even for a Manning. Peyton went from the cusp of a perfect season to not even winning its only home playoff game. And don’t forget that interception he threw to Troy Polamalu. With Edge moving down to Arizona following the season, that might have been Peyton's best shot.

  • J.J. Manning had a growing reputation of a big-game choker, despite what Dick Vitale tried to tell you. His horrible performance on senior night gave a small indication of what was to come in the NCAA tournament. Manning went 3 of 18 in Duke's loss to LSU. In Manning's four career tournament losses, he shot 13 of 60 (21 percent). A true Manning.


  • Eli Messiah had quite the playoff debut. The guy he replaced, Kurt Warner, passed for like 800 yards in his playoff debut (while leading he St. Louis football team to the Super Bowl). Eli passed for 113 yards and three interceptions. The Giants had hoped they had acquired a younger version of Peyton. They did. But not in the way they had imagined.

It's a tough call. Make your case in The Hater Nation Forums and don't forget to vote in the Hater Poll.

Father of the Year

Randy Johnson has had sex. If that is not scary enough, he’s even produced a bastard. The New York Post reported that Johnson has a secret 16-year-old love child he's never spoken to. Which seems so out of character for this guy.

The a-hole, who is a born-again Christian, has seen his daughter only once - right after her out-of-wedlock birth in 1989. Johnson demanded a paternity test when the mother first sought child support in 1998. He has also ignored his daughter’s written pleas to meet him. The jerk now wants the girl’s mom to return nearly $100K he’s paid for day care.

That sure sounds like the Christian thing to do, eh?

While the thought of Johnson having sex and procreating is scary, you haven’t heard the worst part. The 6-foot-1 high-school student “Looks like him, walking and talking, a young girl with attitude,” the mother told the Post.
Seriously, that has to be one ugly kid. She should demand an extra $100K for being saddled with those genes.

UPDATE

Damn, we weren't kidding. She looks just like the dude. And he is not a handsome man.

Johnson’s daughter told the New York Post today that every time she wrote her father, he would respond with a baseball card with his signature, “Randy.” Like he couldn’t have put down “Dad?”

Hopefully Johnson will be scheduled to pitch against the Angels in the home opener.


Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums. A direct link to the story can be found here.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Basebrawl



When the Red Sox and Devil Rays get together, you have to just throw out the records.

(Picture shamelessly stolen from Deadspin like we were Zach or something.)

Lil' Hater: Not Done Yet

A couple more Final Four notes, because like totally, nobody has thought of these jokes before.

Been living in California for a little over a year, and I hate UCLA fans. You think Raiders fans live in the past—they have nothing on Bruins basketball fans. You just know some smart ass was sitting on a load of “Fire Ben Howland” T-shirts and firing up the www.firebenhowland.com domain name before Gonzaga choked against the Bruins. Don’t worry, though. There will be pissed alumni if the team does not win a championship this year. UCLA is all about the championships. You can just tell from all of the banners they won from 1976 through 2006. What a powerhouse.

Don’t rest Howland, those shirts and websites will spring up when you flame out in the Sweet 16 next year.

Between Uconn’s Josh Boone and Florida’s Joakim Noah, which player has the greatest chance of being drafted by a confused WNBA general manager? Most guys, I figure, would rather be intimate with either player before even considering Candace Parker.

Just saying.

Maybe I stepped away from the TV at the wrong time, but at what point in the weekend did Billy Packer get on his knee and propose to Vanillanova's Kyle Lowry? Did Lowry tearfully accept the proposal, and if so, does that explain his 1-for9, two assist choke job?

I've never heard more unnecessary gushing for a too-small point guard who averaged 8 points and only 2 assists for the tourney, and who can't shoot from the outside. On the bright side, maybe Isiah Thomas will draft him now.

I was rooting for George Mason, until with 5 seconds left in regulation, Verne Lundquist tried to sell as a heartwarming story on the plight of the poor Patriots player Tony Skinn. You know, the guy who had punched a guy from Hofstra in the nuts a couple weeks ago, and was now about to make the free throws to send his team to the Final Four. (Unlike the nut shot, he choked and missed, of course).

There's no good way to spin hitting a guy in the balls on purpose. Unless it's a Duke guy getting cock-punched.

There is something I'm supposed to plug here, The Hater Nation Forums, I believe. So go check it out, otherwise I won't get my check this week.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Chargers, Raiders on MNF

The Chargers will opens its' 2006 NFL schedule on Monday Night in Oakland. It's kind of a curious choice for ESPN and the league. There are some interesting angles: It's a great rivalry. (At least it was before the Raiders turned into the modern day Saints.) It will be quarterback Phillip Rivers first NFL start. (It is kind of the league to not start his career off against a real NFL secondary.)

But why does the league want to start its season, one of its premier games, in front of a half-empty crowd in Oakland? Obviously the league is banking that the optimism for Aaron Brooks and Art Shell's coaching—along with the general Raiders myopia—will be at an all-time high.

In fact, there is even a chance that maybe the Raiders could reach three quarters capacity for this game.

Dare to dream. So maybe it is prudent for the league to play this game early in the season when the front-running Raiders fans have not bailed out on the season as of yet.

Discuss it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Nice Route

It's obvious that Alfonso Soriano cannot play second base. Starting to receive word that left field isn't going to be much better for E4-onso. Soriano misplayed a ball in the first inning that led to an Astros run. Lefty Lance Berkman hit a ball the opposite way to left-center that Soriano misread. He charged the ball and it carried over his head allowing Willy Taveras to score from first base.

That has got to do wonders for the confidence of Washington pitchers this season.

"I try to catch the ball, but it was a line drive going up because of the wind," said Soriano, on a day where the wind blew straight out to center at 12 mph.

Another thing that is painfully obvious. Soriano is going to need to work on his excuse making, too. But manager Frank Robinson noted that Soriano didn’t go for the cheap “sun in my eyes” excuse, instead branching out to the underutilized “wind” excuse. That's progress.

Talk about it more in The Hater Nation Forums.

Lil' Hater: Celebration Day

“This is for the people of New Orleans and Katrina!”
-- LSU Tigers forward Glen Davis, after beating Texas, and reaching the Final Four.

Davis’ sentiment is truly heartwarming, and the storyline of LSU winning one for its waterlogged state is sure to be a well played in the next week.

(The Bish is probably having a hard time right now, deciding whether to be the 203rd writer to tackle this obvious angle, or going with his fresh ‘UCLA is good, but let’s not compare them to a John Wooden-coached team yet’ take.)

But let’s not kid ourselves. From a sporting angle, the best thing that happened to New Orleans residents played out over a week ago.

When their crappy QB, Aaron Brooks, left town.

And became a Raider.

That’s right, there was actually a team stupid enough to pay $8 million to have Brooks lead their team to somewhere just below mediocrity over the next two years. Of course, that team had to be the Raiders.

Even the Raiders can’t put a good spin on this signing. Brooks “provides us with a veteran presence,” Coach Art Shell said. That’s about as big an endorsement as you’ll see.

Those weren’t Mardi Gras parades you saw on TV the other week in New Orleans, they were actually parades celebrating their team actually having a decent chance at winning now, with Brooks gone. Between Brook’s poor decision-making skills, and what we will politely call Coach Shell’s clock management “issues,” it should be a great year next year. For Haters.

New Orleans, Aaron Brooks is gone. There is hope for your city, after all.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ask a Duke Fan

Here's a spin on our popular "Ask a Raiders Fan" segment where we troll message boards talking to idiot fans so you don’t have to. These statements are not exaggerated and come from the website, Devilsillustrated.com. We work hard so you don’t have to. (These answers also are unedited so excuse any Internet lingo or misspellings.)

Why did your team lose on Thursday?

Duke lost this game because the officials let this game be played by prison rules. Everytime Reddick even thought about getting the ball he was being tripped, held and hacked. It seemed the officials were out to prove a point that Duke was not going to get any calls.

Prison rules. Well you don't need a degree from Duke to find the underlying meaning there.

Would you say that J.J. Manning is a choker?

I won't say jj is a choker by any means. He has hit some great shots in past games. He has some off nights in the ncaa.

Hes been in a funk for a few weeks now, by NO means is he a choker!

Seriously?

No he is not a choker, but I don't buy the argument that the defense gets more intense. Baskeball analyst, announcers, and Duke fans have all said that the reason for his struggles is because he was either mentally xhausted or that the defense just started playing him tighter. The fact is that he was drained.

It's funny that nobody from Texas, LSU, UCLA, or Memphis are too mentally exhausted. It's those poor Dookies that are really feeling the pressure.

Could there be any other explanation for Duke's ability to choke?

It's the venue, stupid. Why does the NCAA insist on playing some of these games in football stadiums. It is so un-natural to play basketball in these places. It is hard for all the teams to adjust to the shooting backgrounds and "wide openness" of the surrounding environment.

How will you remember Manning?

Great player, great shooter, not overrated despite the comments of other fools who have little basketball intelligence, and one of the greatest college players ever.

Aren't the greatest college players measured by rings?

There's a ton of great college players that didn't get a ring. Maravich and O'Neal from LSU come to mind.

But did any of them fold in a championship tournament like Manning? Did those guys have a surrounding cast of McDonalds All-Americas, an easy bracket, and all of the other benefits that Duke has recieved?

Nobody has an answer for that.

You can talk about Duke in The Hater Nation Forums. And what do you know, there is a new Last and Ten on the left.

So Much for Mr. Clutch

J.J. chokes again. Now is not the time for who was right; who was wrong; or who choked in the big dance—again. To brag about predicting the demise of Duke in the tournament is akin to bragging about predicting the morning sunrise.

It was too easy. Besides gloating is so Sports Dork.

And don’t worry, Duke fans; we are sure that you will cherish that huge clutch performance over Texas in December. Or maybe you can celebrate that huge win over Boston College in the ACC tournament. Those will be your cherished memories of J.J. Manning. Not the bitter disappointment from his tournament appearances.

Like, nobody remembers that great run that Villanova put on in the 1985 NCAA tournament. Everybody remembers how great of a regular season Patrick Ewing had for Georgetown. Nobody remembers Lorenzo Charles, Danny Manning, or Tyus Edney. They remember superstars like Fennis Dembo.

Plus you have J.J.’s upcoming—soon to be stellar—professional career to enjoy. Maybe Manning can win a professional title in Italy. With so much to look forward to in the future, nobody will remember that J.J. Manning choked in the NCAA Tournament.

Again.



It would be hard to pick a favorite moment in Duke’s loss to LSU. You had J.J. crying when he left the game; Coach Krzymdbnmresxski talking about the “physicality” of the game (code for the refs weren’t giving us enough calls); and really any miss by J.J. Manning (his career NCAA tournament stats are above*).

The highlight was Glen “Big Baby” Davis standing on the free throw line by himself and rebounding his own miss while surround by four Duke players who refused to box him out. That showed that LSU had reached in and snatched Duke’s heart like that crazy dude did in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

And seriously, anybody finding those Coach K car commercials satisfying now?

*Scan for J.J.'s career stats come from our boy, Slade.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

A Shoulder To Cry On



Aaron Brooks is a Raider

And here you were worried the Raiders were going to do something smart following the release of Kerry Collins.

Aaron Brooks is a perfect Raider, actually. A nice blend of high potential and limited results. The New Orleans Saints faltered in recent years and it was because Brooks is not the type of quarterback who is going to take his team to the next level. And don’t say that Brooks wasn’t given a fair chance—he was armed with running back Deuce McAllister and receiver Joe Horn. Brooks just couldn’t deliver.

Brooks has put up good numbers over the past couple of years and he likely will for the Raiders, too. That’s great for fantasy football, but those numbers have never equated to more than nine wins for the Saints.

Then again, nine wins for the Raiders would seem like the Super Bowl.

The Raiders are obviously impressed with Brooks ability to throw the deep ball. Hmm, he throws a great deep ball; he racks up huge numbers but never seems to get his team over the top. Why does that sound familiar? He’s a mobile version Kerry Collins. But remember, Brooks was benched in favor of Adrian “The Hustler” McPherson* last year, for crying out loud.

You know they will be talking about this in The Hater Nation Forums.

*Brooks was actually benched in favor of Todd Bauman. As Scott from Buc Stats points out, that makes it much, much, worse.

Commercial Madness

The NCAA men’s tournament resumes today and that could mean only one thing—more Mike Krzybnmcvbiyugbski commercials for that car company. Great. It’s kind of ironic that the two themes of Coach K’s commercial are honesty and trust. They really cast that commercial well. Although he does look like a used car salesman much in the same vain as Larry from Three’s Company, he’s not exactly the model of honesty or trust.

In future commercials do the ad wizards that came up with that plan to have Paris Hilton talk about abstinence and respectability? The Bish hawking hair-care products? That car company should have sprung for a couple of videos of Osama Bin Laden from Al-Jazeera and used those images instead of Coach K. It would have been less offensive.

Now the fine folks at Mercury certainly have the right idea. Instead of hiring some scumbag coach, they went for a hot chick. This is Jill Wagner (right). Now this is what you from a spokes model. She’s appeared in Punk’d, strutted her stuff for a Stuff Magazine layout, and she is even an Internet geek as she just recently updated her IMDB profile. That's right, her last log in to her own personal page here was only a couple of days. Go for it Zach, you totally have a chance with her.

It's just a shame that Mercury isn't sponsoring the tournament. Instead of Wagner, we get Coach K and the dorks for that family casual chain. Perfect. They will also be playing games on Thursday. Here is a quick run down.

Duke vs. LSU: Alright J.J., it's time for the Manning finally deliver in the clutch.

West Virginia vs. Texas: Heard nobody on the Long Horns basketball team could score high on the Wonderlic Test either.

Memphis vs. Bradley: Don Chaney has threatened to kill Bradley coach Jim Les if they don't beat Memphis.

UCLA vs. Gonzaga:
It's said that former Steppenwolf front-man, Adam Morrison, is one of the biggest trash talkers in the game. Somebody should tell him to eat a candy bar and shut up.

What do you say about some more needless text as a desperate excuse to use another photo of Wagner? You wouldn't mind, would you?

Check out The Hater Nation Forums and Population Statistic for leading us to the Wagner info.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Adam Vinatieri How Could You?

Adam Vinatieri had a free pass here in The Hater Nation. The former Patriot kicked off one of the greatest sports calendar years of our lives in 2002. Vinatieri single-footedly eliminated both the Oakland Raiders and the St. Louis Football team in the same playoff season. Both in demoralizing and excruciating fashion. (And lucrative too, seeing we had the Patriots on the money line for the Super Bowl).

That started a year in which the Anaheim Angels would win the World Series. There were no bigger heroes than Troy Glaus and Vinatieri. Now Glaus is playing in Toronto which is cool because his can’t-miss replacement Dallas McPherson won't even make the (expletive) roster this year.

But what really hurts is Vinatieri leaving New England.

Actually, how could he join the Colts? There is a very real possibility that Peyton Manning could shake his choker status with Vinatieri on his side. The Colts would have beaten Pittsburgh if they had Vinatieri. Let's put it this way, Manning will not be referring to his new kicker as an idiot.

Can a kicker really make that much difference?

Yes. Without Vinatieri, Tom Brady is Jim Kelly. He is John Elway without Terrell Davis. The media has been telling us for years that the Patriots are smarter than us, but this is just a dumb move. What an error. This is not like cutting a favorite veteran who is past his prime. This is not cutting Junior Seau at the end of his effectiveness. Vinatieri has been his club’s most valuable player for the past five seasons. Who would you want more than anybody to line up for a game-winning kick?

This has the potential to end very badly. Hopefully the Patriots know what they are doing. Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Who is Getting the Better Deal?

Joey Harrington or Alfonso Soriano?

Harrington has taken a beating in Detroit, by both a weak offensive line and a fan base that hasn't enjoyed a winner since the last time Bobby Layne missed a happy hour. So Harrington went on vacation to Southeast Asia recently and came back to find the club had signed by Josh McCown and Jon Kitna.

It could have been worse Joey...they could have replaced you with Aaron Brooks.

Now Harrington is free to move to a team like the Patriots to be a backup where he will never have to deal with the pressure of being an NFL starting quarterback. Or he can just start for the Oakland Raiders.

Evidentially Al believes that Joey can go vertical.


Anybody who watches Soriano play second base knows one thing: Fonzie is not a second baseman. That just goes to show that Soriano does not watch any game film, at least not defensively. It’s no shock that the Washington Nationals want to move E-Four-so Soriano to left field, but maybe they could have discussed that transaction before they traded for him.

Then again, this was a team that acquired Jose Guillen last season. The former Angels outfielder is downright lucid when compared to Soriano who refused to take left field yesterday. Funny, Guillen pitched a fit when he was pulled out of a game by Mike Scioscia, but at least he was in the game. Soriano is behaving like, well, Terrell Owens.

Which only means that Drew Rosenhaus will get him a $25M contract with a new team when he is released. So Soriano will likely become a highly sought after free agent, get a huge contract, continue to play second base, and not have to deal with Frank Robinson.

Soriano definately gets the better end of the deal here. But you can debate it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Monday, March 20, 2006

A Date Which Will Live In Infamy



Japan wins the World Baseball Classic. Derek Jeter and A-Rod let down America's greatest generation. Hope they are happy.

March Madness Round Up

What do you believe was the biggest surprise of the NCAA weekend?

The Big Ten getting eliminated from the tournament?

Jim Nance and Billy Packer actually admitting that they feed from the teat of the big conferences and had to admit they were wrong on Selection Sunday?

A Nielsen brother being kicked out the Golden Nugget? (Sorry that should have been under the category of least surprising things of the NCAA weekend.)

North Carolina not making to the Sweet 16?

Or this broad throwing down a dunk?




Actually thought it was Florida's Joakim Noah on first glance, but this woman Candace Parker threw down a monster jam in Tennessee’s tournament victory. Can anybody again care to explain why Title IX exists? The NCAA men’s basketball tournament draws makes huge money and creates a lot of interest.

The women’s tournament is creating interest because a woman actually dunked a basketball.

Something that happens in your typical boys basketball game. But hey, it makes a lot of sense. Much in the same way the NCAA would allow a men’s basketball coach to make commercials for Chevy that run endlessly during the tournament. (And a close second to that family-casual chain that ran those annoying Something About Mary/Gilligan’s Island rip-off commercial). It’s also amazing that the coach who appears in those commercials always seems to get the calls. Kind of like, the NCAA would not want to have the coach in its most high profile commercial eliminated in the first two rounds.

Just saying is all.

Cap limits: As proven by the success of the Missouri Valley Conference and CCA, it’s time to put a limit on the number of teams that one conference can get into the tournament. And seriously, it’s time to turn the Big Ten into a one-bid conference like the Big West. Do you mean to tell me that Long Beach State couldn’t have been eliminated from the tournament in the same vein as Marquette, Seaton Hall, Syracuse, or Michigan State?

Biggest Upset: You can talk about George Mason beating North Carolina, or Iowa stumbling and falling. But by far the biggest upset of the tournament had to be San Diego State losing to Indiana. How many brackets did that ruin? Pretty sure most people had the Aztecs in the Final Four, or at least the Elite 8. Here’s a challenge to anybody to try to tell me that didn’t have SDSU in the Sweet 16. Sorry, not buying it.

Biggest Disappointment: This is easily Pacific. The Tigers went from a six-point lead in overtime, to not even covering the 9.5-point spread. I’ve seen Pacific play more times over the last couple of years than the rest of my March Madness party had seen non-tournament basketball games over the past decade. And I’ve never seen Pacific fold like that. Ever. It was hard watching Christian Maraker turn into J.J. Manning in front of our very eyes.

Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

You (Expletive) On My House!

Remember the scene in Can’t Buy Me Love where Ronald Miller throws crap on Kenneth’s house during a Halloween prank? Miller is forced to asked for forgiveness months later when nobody else would talk to him.

Does that sound familiar?

That’s Terrell Owens. The guy has worn out his welcome so badly in the NFL, the only place for him to peddle his wares in the place of his more infamous incident. This can only be a good thing.

Cowboys fans are going to look like the biggest losers here. The Cowboys fans were jeering him a few years ago, but they are already likely placing their orders for No. 81 jerseys. Cowboys fan can rationalize rooting for Owens all that they want, but they guy (expletived) on their house. And they will be welcoming Owens into their homes with open arms.

Put this one on owner Jerry Jones who is still trying desperately to make up for the fact that he fired Jimmy Johnson. The puzzling thing is why Jones gave Owens a $10M bonus. Who else was bidding for T.O.? Maybe the Broncos? Maybe the Chiefs? This is an awfully like the A-Rod situation where nobody knows who drove up the bidding price.

But that worked out well for the Rangers, eh?

Owens --in between all of the boasts -- paid all of the proper lip service and said that he has learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah. The prevailing theory is that Bill Parcells will put Owens in his place.

Just like Andy Reid.
Just like Donovan McNabb.

This is going to end up bad for the Cowboys. One great year, maybe, but Owens will not fulfill his three-year contract. Either that or Parcells will have a heart attack. In the end though, it seems like the Cowboys will just end up with a lot of (expletive).

Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Duke Nasty File

I hate Duke. I really do. If I would have pulled up to that ditch that Bobby Hurley was laying in, I probably would have left him for dead. Nah, I would have pulled a “One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest” and just finished him off. He would have been better off.

This year’s team is even more despicable than most. So that is why I’m stealing a bit from Mad Magazine called the Nasty File. This is a comprehensive look at Duke and some good fodder to throw around while you are watching those jerks not cover in the first round. So here is Lil' Haters Nasty File one Duke:

J.J. Redick (Manning) likes poetry. Here’s a haiku:

Archie Manning’s child
Referees give him love, but
Always fails in clutch

Redick reminds me of that dip(expletive) in those ITT commercials who talks about his poetry being more introspective. That might be a good alternative for Redick who clearly won’t pan out in the NBA. (More on that in a minute.)

Greg Paulus is quite a little (female dog). Did you see him on Sunday against Boston College? Guy took a swing at the Eagles Louis Hinnant and then he ran and hid behind Redick (Manning). What an a-hole. He is like one of those frat boys who keeps his mouth shut until Ogre shows up and then the little smart mouth gets awfully brave. Just check him out after he swings at Hinnant. Paulus walks away from him until Redick (Manning) holds him back. Then Paulus suddenly turns into Red Foxx, screaming “Hold me back!” What a (kitty cat).

Have you ever noticed that Sheldon Williams (right) looks like he was meant to be born retarded, but God changed his mind midway? As a consolation he was made to be good in basketball. Unfortunately he squandered all of that talent at Duke.

Seriously, what is up with Coach K's hair? It's Gene Keady-bad. It's Bish-level bad.

Why is Coach K's normal facial _expression akin to one who has just smelled a really bad fart? Do his assistant coaches really reek that bad? Other than their coaching record, that is.

Other than the Baylor coach who tried to cover up a homicide, the scummiest college coach in recent memory has been, hands down, Quinn Snyder, Duke alum. Not suprising, he learned all he knew from Coach K. Once you don't have the teflon shadow of Cameron to protect you, the truth comes out.

Has one Duke player that's gone to the NBA ever come close to exceeding, or even just meeting, expectations? Think about this. Laettner, Hill, Hurley, Jason 'Harley' Williams, Deng, Battier, whoever, they've all been huge dissapointments. (Don't try to bring up Elton Brand. He is a Clipper, and hasn't done a damn thing until this year, when he got Casell, Kaman, etc).

Yet they were all stand-out, can't miss McDonald's All Americans out of high school. And they all had their balls washed for them throughout college by Nance, Packer, Vitale and all the refs. But once they couldn't be sheltered, they were found out as frauds. They sucked once they went pro.

What does that mean? It means that 4 years (or less) of coaching from the "great" Coach K turned them from the consensus, absolute best of their age groups (in high school) to mid-level professionals in the NBA. That's right - he made them worse. Could you imagine how he would have wrecked Kobe's career?

Compare that to Dean Smith, Wooden, Bobby Knight. It's not pretty.

So there you go. You are all set to watch Duke’s game today. Feel free to add your own in The Hater Nation Forums. Or don't. I already got paid!

Hey Dook!

Many of you may remember me, Pete Gillen, the former head coach, of the University of Virginia’s men’s basketball team. If not, you will recall, that I am a very emotional leader, and my New England voice sounds, just like, President John F. Kennedy, his brotha, and Mayor Quimby from, the television program, The Simpsons, combined.

With Mahch Madness set to begeen, I am here today, to tell you of the greatness, that is Dook Univahrsity, men’s basketball. It is hard not to know about Dook in Mahch. As I told, radio personality Jim Rome a few yeahs ago, Dook is Dook. They’re on TV more, than reruns of Leave it to Beavahhhhh… reruns. It is a line that, will live on in infamy, or at least until, The Bish steals is and passes it off as his own in that crappy rag of his.

Now, in an attempt to stay relevant, since the Beavah’s show hasn’t been in steady reruns for at least 20 years, I will bring to you an original song of mine, sung to the tune, of another current, popular number, Mr. Paul McCartney’s, Hey Jude:

Hey Dook, don't feel so bad.
Take a bad bracket and make it bettah.
Remember to get off to a slow start,
Against a team that should be the Play-In winnah.

Hey Dook, don't be afraid.
The brackets were made so you’d play no one bettah.
The minute you play a Top 25 team,
You’ll pray for Christian Laettnah.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Dook, refrain
Don't blame your bad looks on Shelden Williams’ mothah.
For well you know that you’re gonna loose yah cool
When you check out that Shelden’s even uglieah youngah brothah.

Hey Dook, don’t be ashamed
You get all the calls, but its for the bettah
But, despite of all of the help
You have no chance of beating the Tiguhs!

Hey Dook, don’t cut those nets down.
Try to survive in the tourney, like an 11th-seedah.
Remembah to let the refs and bracket committee into your heart,
As well as your coach, with a name with too many f-ing leddahs.

So find a ditch, and like Hurley, drive right on in
So they see that Reddick ain’t no Laettnah.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Dook, you'll do,
Youh on TV mohr than Leave it to Beavahhhhhh.

Hey Dook, don't feel bad.
At least Florida State didn’t make it, eithah.
Remember it’s not the color of your skin,
It’s hard to win without players like Battiah, Boozah and
Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, Laettnah, oh!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK!

SING ALONG NAHW!

Na Na Na Naaaaah Na Na Naaaaaaah hey DOOK!!!

DOOK, DOOK, DA, DOOK, DOOK, DOOKIE DOOKIE!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Alirght, just the ACC fans now!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Alright, just the Duke fans now!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Everybody together!

Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na, Naaaa… Nah Nah, Nah, Naaaa, hey DOOK...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

NFL Roundup

The NFL is starting to prove that it’s own version of March Madness can be just as befuddling as trying to determine which No. 12 seed is going to be a big upset winner this year. (A hint: It’s Utah State.) Let us help you sort it out.

It all started on Tuesday with the huge signing of an NFL quarterback. Yes, the Lions signing of Jon Kitna started a chain-reaction that … alright just kidding.

The Miami Dolphins acquired Daunte Culpepper for a second-round pick. The team hedged off Drew Brees when somebody reminded Nick Saban that the Dolphins defeated the Brees-led Chargers during the regular season. With Gus Frerotte. So the Dolphins went with Culpepper and unless they acquired Randy Moss too, this might not work out too well.

And before the local columnist goes for this joke, let us be the first to use the “Culpepper is going to have better access to boats now, imagine the trouble he will get into now.” Although we would wager all of the money that San Diego State is going to win us on the money line that Deadspin already beat us to that joke.

The Saints have proven that they still wanted to inflict more punishment on New Orleans by giving a $60M contract to quarterback Brees—who is not exactly the second coming of Ken Stabler. You think the SuperDome was damaged during Katrina? Wait until you see what an errant Brees pass can do. Just kidding, he can’t throw that hard. Still Brees has a chance to be the best quarterback in club history. But that is not saying much seeing that Archie Manning is the best quarterback in club history.

The Saints move means that Norm Chow and Matt Leinart have a real good chance of being reunited in Tennessee. That is assuming that the Jets don’t try to jump ahead to take the former USC star. The Jets did make a trade for Patrick Ramsey and could be content with Jay Cutler.

That thud you heard was Vince Young’s draft stock continuing to plummet. But he's probably not bright enough to figure that out. Now it is time for a prayer.

“Dear Lord, I’ve tried to be a good person. Well, for the most part. Please find a way to deliver Vince Young to Oakland. And can you find a way for Pacific to win on the money line? Thanks. I mean, Amen.”

Not like that prayer is going to be answered.

The Raiders are probably going to end up with Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk. As one internets muser put it, Hawk is well on his way to be the next Andy Katzenmoyer. The Raiders and Hawk would be a good fit if for nothing else than his girl friend, Brady Quinn’s sister, wears enough eye makeup to be a Raiders fan (and she's quite the camera expletiver, too). As Charlie Sheen said in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you shouldn’t wear so much eye makeup, people will think you are a whole.



And Terrell Owens hasn’t even started his circus yet but it got kicked off with Keyshawn Johnson’s release. San Diego GM A.J. Smith would sign the enigmatic Owens or Johnson if he really hated coach Marty Schottenheimer.

Got all of that?

FINAL THOUGHT

You may laugh at the Cardinals acquisition of Edgerrin James. But remember this. The Colts traded Marhsall Faulk to the St. Louis football team in 1999. The St. Louis football team went on to win the Super Bowl. Hey, stranger things have happened.

If you have managed to stick with us this long, check out The Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The World Would Be Better Off Without You

It's time for round two of our new recurring feature. And it's timely, too. If you missed our first one on Jackie Slater, you can check it out

So please welcome our second guest of dishonor:

John Chaney

The recently retired Temple coach was one of the few guys who made Mike Kyzyzxcvewruoski seem likeable. Chaney was the kind of bully who made Bobby Knight seem huggable. So how will you remember Chaney?

Will you think of the time in 1984 when Chaney grabbed George Washington coach Gerry Gimelstob by the shoulders at halftime of a game and rattled him like an abusive parent?

Or last season when Chaney inserted a "goon" into a game against St. Joseph's. Chaney told one of his role players, Ric Flair, to go into the game and send a message? Chaney thought St. Joseph's was getting away with roughhousing. So like a good leader of young men, Chaney decided to take the law into his own hands. St. Joseph's senior John Bryant ended up with a broken arm. Chaney said it was a good thing they didn't use a foreign object. This kind of thing would be charming (and warranted) against Duke. Not so much against St. Joseph's. Bryant didn't get to play in the NCAA Tournament. Chaney will be collecting a huge pension from Temple. Life's fair.

Our personal favorite was the time when Chaney barged into then U-Mass coach John Calipari's press conference and threatened to kill him. And Calipari wasn't even returning the sunglasses of Chaney's ex-wife.

So John Chaney, the basketball world truly will be better off without you.

Add your own tribute to Chaney in The Hater Nation Forums.

Off Season Report:

Lil' Hater Revisits Old Friends

New San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Norv Turner is scared and confused.

With the Washington Redskins acquiring wide receiver Brandon Lloyd from the 49ers last week, Norv’s new team is left going into next season without its best offensive player.

Actually, Norv’s new team is now left without any good offensive players, period.

“Dear Lord, what am I going to do now?” Turner is believed to have said in between bouts of heavy sobbing last weekend.

“My whole coaching philosophy has been to ignore my team’s best offensive weapon, especially when the game is on the line,” Turner continued to moan, like a little girl, his crater-like face turning an even brighter color of red.

“I ignored Stephen Davis and the running game in DC, and put the game in the hands of dopes like Gus Frerrote. I did that for seven straight years. Then I totally under-used LT, the best running back in the league, when I was in San Diego. In my last game in Miami, I made Ricky Williams a decoy, and let Jay Fielder keep us out of the playoffs. Jay Fielder. Total genius that was.

“And in my piece de resistance, rather than just using him as a decoy, I often left Randy Moss on the sidelines altogether during big plays in Oakland. That was sweet.

“I was really looking forward to ignoring Brandon Lloyd next year. But now he’s gone,” blubbered Norv.

Last year Lloyd had his best NFL season, recording 48 receptions for 733 yards with five scores, despite being stuck with some truly awful quarterbacks. In 45 games with San Francisco, he had 105 catches for 1,510 yards and 13 touchdowns

Lloyd was traded to Washington in exchange for a 2006 third-round and 2007 fourth-round draft pick. The deal, combined with the rest of this year’s annual free-agent shopping spree by owner Dan Snyder, puts Washington approximately $7.2 billion over the salary cap for next year.

After regaining some semblance of composure, Turner said he would find a way to regroup.
“We’re going to have a good, spirited mini-camp and preseason,” Norv said, wiping tears off his face. “By the time the regular season rolls around, we’ll have identified our best player, I can assure you that.

“And by golly, I’ll do my best to not give that player the ball. You have my word on it.”

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. Jerks.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Maybe We Should Get Our Lawyers

The sports editor at the daily paper in Orange County is not a huge fan of The Hater Nation. (Must be a Raiders fan.) But it appears that other people from his paper, most notably one of his columnist (not The Bish) are huge fans of this site. This was from that local columnist on Monday:

Barry Bonds has ingested and injected every performance-enhancing drug known to man, including trenbolone (a synthetic steroid "created to improve the muscle quality of beef cattle") and Clomid (a drug commonly prescribed for women's fertility problems).

Is that why Barry showed up in training camp in drag one day this spring?


Funny joke. It was even more enjoyable when we ran the same joke (link) nearly a week ago.

The best part was when we wrote this passage after our original joke: C’mon, even the sports editor for the local Orange County newspaper would admit that was funny.

Evidentially he found it funny enough to let his columnist run it.

Maybe we should call the sports editor at the local paper and give him a piece of our mind. Nah, we have much better things to do than to worry about things like that. Who would stoop to threaten a lawsuit over a website?

Now That Guy Is Clutch

Duke fans are likely to congratulate themselves following J.J. Manning’s performance in the ACC title game against Boston College. But please Duke fans, don’t call him clutch. That term is reserved for Gerry McNamara.

McNamara put Syracuse on his back and led them—almost singled handedly—to a conference title victory in the toughest league in college basketball. McNamara made two clutch shots at the buzzer to knock off Cincinnati and Connecticut. And he was prominently involved in the other victories.

J.J. Manning not so much.

We will give J.J. some credit—he finally made his first ever three-pointer when Duke was behind. Manning is an “all-good” player. That means he will step up and knock down a couple of threes when Duke has a lead. Rare are the times when he starts a run or ends an opponent’s run. When Duke pulled ahead of Boston College on Sunday, there was Manning making threes, mugging for the crowd and his adoptive parents.

He was nowhere to be found when the Eagles went on its run. J.J. Manning did make a shot to put Duke ahead in the final minute. But when it came time for the Eagles to foul and send Dookies to the line, Manning was hiding. It’s funny. Manning has no problem getting open looks when Duke is up by 10. But when the game is on the line, Manning might as well be hiding beneath the announcers booth, returning a favor to Dick Vitale.

OPEN LOOKS

  • San Diego State has been given a free pass to the Sweet 16. The Aztecs will easily defeat Indiana and roll past Gonzaga in the opening rounds. The #11 seed was a shock, but what a favorable draw in regards to the teams they will face. State also has a great shot against UCLA in the third round. A round where Bruins coach Ben Howland has had a lot of problems. Look for our preview of SDSU on Deadspin.

  • Pacific was not so lucky drawing Boston College. Hopefully playing all of those extra games will hurt the Eagles. But it doesn’t look good for the Swede, Christian Maraker. Look for our Pacific preview on Deadspin.

  • To all of those people knocking Air Force—get over it. Illinois is going to have a lot of trouble on its hands. It’s an absolute disgrace that Billy Packer and Jim Nance can get on national TV and complain about “smaller” conferences while all of the cheaters in the big conferences can’t get eight teams in. Get over it. The RPI is already skewed because teams like Michigan would never go to Stockton, Calif., or Logan, Utah to play a game. Until some of these teams in power conferences decide to step up, go on the road, and play some mid majors, they should be denied bids. If Michigan is so pissed, let's see them go to Colorado Springs to play at Air Force next year.

  • Hate to break this to Zach, but Utah State is going to upset Washington. Texas A&M also might be too much for Syracuse, but it’s hard to bet against McNamara. Jim Boeheim is not so hard to bet against. Remember, Syracuse won the Big East tournament last year and lost in the first round.

  • How bummed is Phillip Fulmer right now?



Forced to make a pick and we would go with Connecticut. They were given a favor by losing in the conference tournament. But our final prediction is that we will not win our bracket. But you can get in on The Hater Nation tournament bracket. Find out more details in The Hater Nation Forums.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Kurt Warner is Very Happy

The Arizona Cardinals signed a top-flight free agent running back on Sunday. As an added bonus, the running back was not at the tail end of his NFL career. The Birds showed they are serious about making a run at the NFC West title with the signing of Edgerrin James. The former Colts running back signed a four-year $30M deal.

The move sets a bad precedent for small market teams. The Birds built a new stadium and now suddenly they are spending money on high-priced free agents. Who does that? Look at baseball’s Pittsburgh Pirates, Milwaukee Brewers, San Diego Padres, and Cincinnati Reds. They had the right idea about duping the public into building a new stadium and then just pocketing the profits instead of trying to make the team better.

Now people might expect the Birds to actually go out and win some games.

"It's a nice situation. All they really need was a back," James said. "They've got an MVP quarterback (Kurt Warner), they've got two Pro Bowl receivers (Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald)."

The naysayer will point out that the Cardinals need an offensive line. But just watch how much better the offensive line is next season with James. And Warner, too, who was effective but under duress without a running game last season.

How inept has the Birds rushing attack been?

The Cardinals haven't had a 100-yard rusher since Emmitt Smith gained 106 against Seattle on Oct. 26, 2004. They only topped 100 yards rushing as a team once last season. The Birds haven’t had a 1,000-yard rusher since Adrian Murrell in 1998. James gained at least 100 in 49 of his 95 games with Indianapolis.

We predict the Birds to win the division every year, but this year it could happen.

Give us your thoughts in The Hater Nation Forums.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Cheerleader of the Year Revealed

The voting is in, and the fans have voted for Renee Herlocker! The amazing cheerleader for the Denver Broncos.





But since we tend to run this site much like Vince McMahon runs the WWF, there is always a catch. And in the mode of Vince McMahon, we are going to make an executive decision right here. Seeing that a young lady was recently robbed during the voting of Dancing With the Stars, we are proud to announce that Stacy Keibler is The Hater Nation’s Cheerleader of the Year!



Register your outrage in The Hater Nation Forums. It's much easier than trying to catch us on the phone.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Collins Officially Released

Kerry Collins was officially released by the Oakland Raiders today, setting the stage for a Daunte Culpepper to become the team's new quarterback. This will once again get Raiders fans hopes up again, only to have them dashed against the rocks of reality during the NFL season. There is no way this can end well.

Talk about it more in The Hater Nation Forums.

Friday Caption Time



The funny thing is, Barry's new head size would need every square inch of that stove-top hat.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Culpepper: Future Raider?

Quarterback Daunte Culpepper has asked to be traded or released from the Vikings. It has some wondering if he will land in Oakland to be reunited with Randy Moss. That would be perfect. The duo can bring that same Minnesota magic to Oakland where they start each season undefeated and then miss the playoffs. Sex parties on Alcatraz, Whizzinators, and squirting water bottles. It would be perfect.

Heck, it's a shame the Raiders didn't hire Mike Tice when they had a chance.

But before you get misty-eyed at the possibility of the NFL’s version of a Martin and Lewis reunion, there is one thing to remember—these comments Moss had about Culpepper last year.

"When it comes to athleticism, Daunte has Kerry beat. But Kerry has pocket presence and knows how to read defenses. So Kerry has a slight step over Daunte."

It would be a shame to think that Moss was lying to us last summer.

Talk about more bad ideas in The Hater Nation Forums.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Barry Took What???

You've all by now heard or read the Sports Illustrated story about Barry Bonds latest steroid revelations. It includes excerpts from the new book, Games of Shadows. It blows the lid off to the extent of Bonds steroid use (which wasn't easy). As the morning talk show guy said today, you knew Motley Crue was crazy, but reading The Dirt let you know just how depraved these guys really were. Same deal here with Bonds. The most startling part might have been this passage here:

Bonds took such drugs as Clomid, a women's infertility drug thought to help a steroid user recover his natural testosterone production.

Strange, but at least it explains this:



C’mon, even the sports editor for the local Orange County newspaper would admit that was funny. Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Good Ol' State U.

The Internets move at a quick pace. What is hot one minute becomes passé the next. Like Cowgirl. One day you have Brent Musberger drooling, as you become an overnight Internets success. Then somebody is on your heels the next day trying to take that crown. That new sensation is Cal State Fullerton softball player Ashley Van Boxmeer.

If Cal State Fullerton sounds familiar to you, it's probably the old story of Leilani Rios (left), the former track star turned exotic dancer. (This will probably prompt an angry email from the CSF Alumni association, but who else are we going to talk about? Kevin Costner?)

Van Boxmeer has gained Internets fame, as her Myspace account has become the world's most famous non-porn site (which means she ranks 4,034,057th overall). Rios, you may remember, was suspended from the track team for being an exotic dancer. Van Boxmeer likely won't face any disciplinary action –mainly because she's good (she leads the team with 5 HRs and 20 RBI) and on scholarship. It's a lot easier to be morally indignant to a walk-on such as Rios.

Besides, her pictures have shattered the image that all softball players are all lesbians.



Oh well. At least she’s hotter than Jennie Finch. Talk about it in The Hater Nation Forums.

Lil' Hater: I hate J.J. Too

By now you’ve all heard about Jason McElwain, the 17-year-old manager of the Greece Athena High School basketball team in New York. The autistic manager gained national attention when he drained six 3-point shots and a 2-pointer in his only appearance of his life.

McElwain was carried off on the shoulders of his classmates and the video has made the rounds of the television networks. McElwain and his club are the only team that has received more coverage than those jerks at Duke. A greatful nation says "Thank you."

That has gotten me thinking, how does McElwain compare to say, J.J. Redick-Manning? Who would you rather have making the big shot for you in the end? Let's compare the two.

  • J.J. chokes on Senior Night. McElwain comes up huge in his only game of the season on Senior Day.

  • J.J. shoots like 20 percent from behind the 3-point line in a key rivalry game. McElwain shoots lights out in the biggest game of his life.

  • J.J. is hated by everybody. McElwain is loved by everyone.

  • J.J. let down his loyal fans. The crowd went totally bonkers watching McElwain play.

  • McElwain might look like a Manning, but J.J. plays like one in big games.

It figures that McElwain's team went on to win the state title. Duke isn’t even the best team in its own state.

It's not even close if you ask me. Maybe Coach K should think about hiring this kid to be Duke's manager; at least somebody could be counted on to make a big shot when it matters.