Friday, December 15, 2006

The Weak Ender

Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan have split up. Bad news for Brady, great news for Michael Strahan. Look for Strahan to seek a trade to New England in the offseason and switch to center.

Just kidding. He wants to be Brady's tight end.

There is nothing nearly as satisfying as having these two teams being the worst in the NFL. Some might think that a Chargers Super Bowl would be the perfect season. Nope, having the Raiders and St. Louis football team finish one-two in the 2007 NFL Draft order would be a thing of beauty. Unfortunately, that is not possible this season. But it is close.

The obvious question, in a situation like this, is "who do you root for?" Our man Grant M. gave us that answer in 2004:

"If the Rams play the Raiders, you cheer for the Blimp to crash into the stadium, enveloping the players, coaches, and fans in a horrific fireball. You also hope that Georgia Frontandrearie dies last, her lungs filling with puss as her withered, charred hand attempts to pull a quarter from the pocket of the lifeless body of the season ticket-holder next to her."

Some have suggested that Tony Romo is on a bit of a slide and are searching for answers. Look no further than Jessica Simpson. Is there a man that Simpson has been involved with that has had their career furthered by being involved with her?

Nick Lachey's solo career is about as successful as Michael Richards' solo career. He was pretty successful as a boy-bander, but he can’t make it on his own. Justin Timberlake has shown that it is possible to make the leap. Instead, Lachey has turned into a USC sideline lackey.

Johnny Knoxville co-started with the Rock in Walking Tall, starred in that Special Olympics movie. But after getting tangled up with Simpson, he has had to go back to making Jackass movies.

Nice work Yoko Simpson.

  • The dude filling in for Calvin Cowherd today had a nice straw-man argument, busting the myth that the Bears are not a good home football team. You mean like last week's Weak Ender that indicated that the winner of the Giants/Panthers match-up would go on to beat the Bears in the divisional round of the playoffs? Nobody believes that the Bears are a legitimate playoff team. Nobody.

  • Does anybody else feel like they could just start the NFL playoffs today? Do we need to drag this thing out for three more weeks? The best teams in the AFC are San Diego, Baltimore, Indianapolis and New England. Just let them start playing right now and get it over with. The NFC should just have Dallas play at Chicago with the winner going to New Orleans.

  • Drew Brees is approaching Dan Marino's single-season record for passing yards (5,084). Brees could do it if he averages 350 passing yards in the final three games. Or if he gets to the play the Cowboys three more times.

  • Anybody who considers Brees the MVP is doing a disservice to rookies Marques Colston and Reggie Bush. The former Heisman Trophy winner might not be putting up the rushing numbers most thought he would get, but the dude has nearly 80 receptions. It's hard to consider Brees the most valuable player on his own team right now. Much less in the league.

  • People who think Devin Hester is the rookie-of-the-year are completely nuts. Bush is at the top of the list, followed very closely by Vince Young. Yes, the dude is just a winner. Hester probably goes in the slot below Colston. And yes, THN hates defensive players. It's where they put dumb players who can't catch.

  • How did the Seahawks become worse once Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander returned? The saddest thing is that the NFC West is so bad, it deserves a 7-9 division winner. It really does.

  • Most ironic nickname: Tank Johnson being arrested on weapons charges. Much more so than Peyton, the Gay Cowboy, Manning. Who is writing these jokes, Joey Porter?

  • The accuser in the Duke lacrosse rape case has given birth. The defense asked that a DNA test be performed on the baby. Turns out the father is Coach Kryzkjadjhghleaski.

  • Allen Iverson should come to the Clippers. That would be about the only thing that would make disinterested NBA fans tune in for at least a few regular season games. Like Lakers v. Clippers games. Hey, that would be a start, right?

Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt passed away recently. Figures it would be when the Chargers are playing for them. THN gave a heartfelt tribute on its AOL FanHouse page.

Lil' Hater also has his own stirring tribute to Hunt.

I'm assuming the San Diego-Chiefs game will get moved to Kansas City now, right? And that the Chargers will get screwed over on all of the calls in the game. And Dale Carter will be enshrined into the Hall of Fame, right? Oh wait, it’s only important if a Giants owner dies. Sorry, forgot about that.

Oh quite down, like you knew him.


Martin Gore said...

We had to kick out Vincent Clarke for being gay. Because if Depeche Mode is about one thing, it's banging hot broads.

Martin Gore said...

Sorry, wrong thread.

Conrad Bain said...

"... her lungs filling with puss..."

I've been there.

Anonymous said...

Are you not a Raiders fan? I don't get it.

DAWUSS said...

Devin Hester nowhere near ROY honors? Dude, how many people can have such an impact in the KR/PR game? Not very many. Now, do I think his performance as a return man is limited to this year only (see: Dante Hall, 2003), but the fact that he's been able to have all those KR/PRTDs is something that is going to make him a strong argument for ROY

Anonymous said...

So Adam Rank is NFL Adam? I'm really, really stupid for not figuring that out on my own (always thought it was odd that "St. Louis football team" showed up in both blogs. . .).

Diane said...

How many more people will have to suffer before the fellas realize that Jessica and Georgia will suck the life spirit out of any man (or team) they come near

NFL Adam said...

Anonymous must feel like Andy Garcia in Ocean's 11, when he realizes that his vault just got ripped off.

NFL Adam said...

Hey Dawuss, wouldn't you say that Bush also has had an impact on the KR/PR game? He has won a game with a punt return. Bush is always on the field. Hester, not so much.

Anonymous said...

Hey now, I don't think I'm Andy Garcia bad. Your AOL blog is definitely weaker on the Raider hate and talks about UCLA hoops in a much more positive light, so it's not that surprising that I thought you weren't the same person.

But hey, great work over there at AOL. I love your coverage of the Big West, especially that retrospective post on UNLV and why the sport needs them to be good.

NFL Adam said...

Thanks, I'm glad you are checking it out. I'm going to link up that UNLV story here eventually.

Looking back, I have been cool to the Bruins, save Lorenzo Mata.

Chris said...

The fact that you think Reggie Bush should win the ROY over Vince Young shows how big of a retarded smug Southern Californian you are. Hell, I hate the fuckin' Bears and I think Hester is a better vote than Bush. Ok, Bush is always on the field, and I'm sure his 3.2 yds a carry and 8.7 yds a reception are really helping his team out unlike Maurice Jones-Drew's 6.1 and 10.1 are doing his team shit considering the Jags don't even have a quarterback.


Richard Cranium said...

YEEEAHHHHH! Jones-Drew Baby!!! Deal with it! How do you like a little Tapatio in your hot chocolate, BOOOOOYYYYYY. FOE LIFE!

NFL Adam said...

How many games has Jones-Drew played this year? Five? He's surpassed more than 10 carries five times. He's played great this half of the season, but we are talking rookie of the entire year.