Greetings ladies, gentlemen and plastic bobble heads. I am Dean Martin and I am very happy to be here. Because I'm dead. Seriously, you thought Jack Entratter was a stingy bastard, you haven't worked in one of God's show rooms. And for being the creator of heaven and Earth, you think he could add a little heat in the showrooms. I know he's not very found of the devil, but turn up the thermostat or something. That's probably because he has his son running the books.
But enough about that. I am glad to be here, when they said that they wanted me to host a celebrity roast for Steve Bisheff, I immediately jumped out of my seat and said, "Who the hell is Steve Bisheff?" I then went back and read a bunch of his columns, but by that time it was a little too late to pull out of the gig. And hey, it is just nice to get out of Heaven for a change. God my rest on the Sabbath, but he has me booked for three shows in the great big Sands in the sky. It's enough for me to want to turn Jewish. I'm thinking about joining a temple because when they say "High holy days, they mean high holy days." By the way, did you know that President Lincoln was Jewish? Sure, he was shot in the temple. Oh stop it, what’s the matter with you? I'm just trying to have a little fun here, folks.
But get ready folks, we hope to have a good show for you today, as we celebrate the final column of Steve Bisheff in the Orange County Register. And please, sign the petition to enshrine Steve Bisheff's toupee.
Look for this post to be updated throughout the day, as we celebrate the greatness of Steve Bisheff. And now ladies and celebraties (sic), here is our first guest, Lil' Hater.
It’s the end of an era this week.
From Brea to Camp Pendleton, from Huntington Beach's polluted waves to the skanky-smelling air that begins at the border of that (expletive) Inland Empire, slacker workers across Bish County USA will no longer enjoy the soothing feeling that comes twice a week.
You know the drill.
Opening the Bish County Register (which you subscribed to only to make those (expletive) high-school door-to-door sales schleps stop hassling you), noting the lack of actual news on Page 1. Or anywhere in the paper, for that matter. Doing your best to ignore the pathetic attempts at an opinion page. Throwing away the crappy ad supplement. Laughing at the perpetually irrelevant Marketplace section. Finding the ever-shrinking sports section.
And there it stood, proud, well-coiffed, irrelevant: The Bish's column. And then, after a good 10-15 seconds of reading and contemplation, thinking:
(Expletive), this guy sucks monkey (expletive).
It's a tradition passed on from father to son. I'd cut and paste a John Wooden father-son anecdote here from a previous Bish column, but those (expletive) at the Reg have already deleted his online columns. Christ, guys, his body isn't even cold yet. Jerks.
Like I said, it's the end of an era. And we'll miss it.
Because while the Bish covered no new ground, and never brought any new ideas to the table, and seemed to have peaked in the mid 60’s, and had Marv Albert hair, at least he was consistent. He brought the goods. You knew his column would suck, and would be irrelevant, and not particularly timely, and might ultimately make you stupider for having read it, but hey, you still read it.
Because it made you feel better about yourself, to know he sucked more.
Who will step up and take the Mighty Bish’s place at the paper? Youngam? Christ, even NFL Adam's take on who should play Ohio State for the title was better than this dope’s take.
Kevin Ding? Marcia Smith? Some loser surfer named Corky? The dude that only writes in all capital letters on the comments page of this site?
Jesus. Some days I wish I were illiterate.
Thank you Lil' Hater. That was just wonderful. I had no idea that Courtney Love's vibrator could talk. Just trying to have a little fun here folks. We are going to have another guest for you here in a second. It seems that Jack Buck took a wrong turn getting here, posting in the comments section instead. Good God, he's stupid. One time, Jack Buck and I were waiting a stop sign. Jack was driving and he kept waiting and waiting and waiting, finally I said, Jack, what are you waiting for. And he said, the sign to change. I think he might have had a few too many. But we've all been there. One time a cop pulled me over and asked me to walk that white line. I told him I would not walk that white line unless you put a net under it.
Before I get started, just let me say that if I had any idea how much of a pompous (expletive) my son Joe was going to grow up to be, I would have pushed his mother down a flight of stairs when she was pregnant with him. I’m sure the Bish's dad is feeling me right now. It is like being that mother from the Omen. And just like Damien did to his mom, my son killed me. Well, people think I'm dead, but I just went into hiding because my son is such a (expletive). It is like the (expletive)-son protection program.
Just kidding, I’m really dead. In fact, I was laying on my death bed and I was thinking to myself, "Dear God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't you take my son, Joe? Really. Take him will ya? He's a piece of (expletive)."
I walk around heaven these days and people will ask me, “"ey, your son is famous. Who is your son again?” You know who I tell them?
Believe me, I'd get my (expletive) kicked if people knew that (expletive) was my (expletive) son.
It figures Joe would do a Holiday Inn ad, too. I guess he gets a discount because of the number of hookers he takes to the place. It’s true. And that lousy (expletive) couldn’t get a deal with Marriott or Hilton. Anybody? Was Howard Johnson already over its budget?
A lot of people like to talk about all of my great calls. The most famous being Kirk Gibson's homerun in the 1988 World Series. But when I exclaimed, "I don’t believe what I just saw," I was actually taking my first look at Steve Bisheff’s head. Good God, it looked like Bea Arthur had shaved her back and dumped it on his head.
Thank you. Wow, and you are right Jack, your son is an (expletive). Did anybody see the retrospective of the Bish's rug through the years. It seems like the Bish's rug is older than many of the high school kids that they are covering. And what inspired Steve Bisheff to grow a beard? I haven’t seen a beard that malnourished and that skinny since Katie Holmes went on a diet. Oh, I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun here, folks.
And now we have a real treat folks, please give a warm welcome for Diamond Dave Lee Roth.
The first time I saw that Rug in the paper I was like, "When the (expletive) did Kevin DuBrow get his own column, man?" Then my body guard Animal's like, "No, Diamond Dave, that's Paul Stanley," and I said, "No baby, it's that kid from the E.T. movie, but he's all grown up with new hair." WOW! WHOA! Whatever, man. The Bish would like you to think that he and Diamond Dave are a couple of real Hannikah Henchmen from back in the day. No sir-ee-bop. Bish did watch Van Halen back in the club days. I remember meeting him — when girls were throwing their bras on stage at the Pasadena Civic Center, I got hit with what I thought was a merkin. What I thought was a rock 'n roll first turned out to be just a wig from a failed music critic at the Herald Examiner. When I quit the booger sugar and my hair started to look like that of one of those albino twins in that Matrix movie, Diamond Dave still kept it real. And now look at me. I got my natural color back and a nice, neat bowl haircut. And after the radio station fired me, Eddie's on the phone again wanting a tour. Uh huh. Next time Bish puts that thing on his dome I want him to think about the Yankee Rose video, "Gimme a bottle of ROGAINE! And a glazed donut! TO GO!"
Sammy Hagar, ladies and gentlemen. What, that was not Sammy Hagar? Well maybe Diamond Dave should lay off the Michael Anthony diet plan. Start taking drugs again, Dave. Now that you have failed in all three mediums of music, television and radio what is there left to do? Maybe you and Michael Richards can tour together.
And speaking of merkins, that rug on the Steve Bisheff's head is so bad, even Bea Arthur wouldn't wear it for a merkin. Oh come on, I’m just trying to have a little fun here, folks.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a surprise guest for you right now. He's been out all night partying with Steve Bisheff, put your hands together for Danny DeVito.
What they hell are you guys looking at? Put down those lights, too damn it, it's late out. I'm hear to talk about my good friend Steve Bisheff. People always ask me if Steve Bisheff's hair is real. I said hey, it could have been worse, he could have hair like my wife Rhea Pearlman. You might be surprised to find out that the hair around her (expletive) is straight. True story. I figured the first time I got her naked I would hear "welcome to the jungle" and see Gene Schalit or Gabe Kaplan or something done there. But it was as straight as Clay Aiken.
Anyway, I do want to share one story about Bishy. We were guests of the White House one time and we cruised the beltway, picking up chicks, and took a couple of hookers back to the Lincoln bedroom and went to town. Bishy was drinking Tequila Rose like it was water. Bishy then pulled his rug off and attached it to his chin and started running around the White House telling people that he was Sigmund Freud. I just hope that it was Bishy who was with me. And those hookers were women. In any event, we shared that one thing that one time and I’ll never forget it. So good luck Bishy, you son of a (expletive). Ow, my head.
People think I like to drink. I don’t drink as much as people think I do. If I drank as much as people thought, I would be dead by now. Oh wait, bad example. But the great thing about heaven is that you can drink all you want. Even when I’m sleeping. In heaven, you can put booze in a humidifier, so when you wake up, you inhale and you have it made. Why I woke up this morning and hit the floor only once. Anyway, thank you Danny. You have now surpassed Tommy Lasorda as the world’s most annoying Italian. Tommy couldn’t be here today, but he did send a video message about The Bish. Tommy let's you know how he feels about The Bish. You can view it here. But let me warn you, we could not edit the profanity on this clip, so watch it at your own peril.
Hey, who knew this was a telethon? Who do you think I am, Jerry Lewis? Just kidding, he quit show business a long time ago.
But we have another performer. You might have known him from "All Dogs Go To Heaven," but I will always know him as Mel from Alice, say hello to Vic Tayback!
I had the chance to see Steve Bisheff’s first column. It is still hanging on the cave where it was painted on. He talked about how to appreciated the ice age, you had to be around for the Mesozoic era.
Little known fact, Steve Bisheff’s first column paid him in fire.
And his rug wasn’t an endangered species yet, either.
Steve Bisheff was given a standing ovation during the USC/Notre Dame game after it was announced that it was his last event he would cover for the Register. It wasn’t a show of respect. It’s the fact that nobody wanted to sit next to him. Not to say he didn’t have any personality, but it must have been like sitting next to Terry Schiavo with a dead ferret on her head.
What, too soon?
They said that The Bish’s career took off like a rocket. Yeah, if Christa McAuliffe was driving. Think about it. I guess that is what happens when you start taking career advice from Dennis Miller and Mel Gibson.
They say that Steve Bish was perfectly suited for Orange County. And he was. His style was as bland as the beige stucco on the endless tract homes that sprung up during his reign of error.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you had a wonderful day today. This was really special. I know some of the boys here tried to get Steve Bisheff to stop by today and speak to his fans, but it appears that the Bish does not condescend to talk to his millions of Bishoholics. Before I go, I’d also like to recognize some of the celebraties (sic) who are here tonight. Norman Fell, Henry Silva, Telly Savalas, and Dom DeLuise, please take a bow. And to all of our presenters, you did a fabulous job. Thank you very much.
Remember the words of Joe E. Lewis who said, you are not drunk if you can lay on the ground without holding on! Good night.