Any Given Sunday was on television the other night. Of all the outrageous stuff in that move, the most glaring was the thought of Cameron Diaz as team owner. Maybe if Barron Hilton had held on to the Chargers, we could be looking at a similar situation and of course there is Jeanie Buss. But for the most part, professional owners range from old hookers (Georgia Frontandreare) and the mother from Goonies (Marge Schott).
The ABA has a new expansion team—the Hollywood Fame—that includes a consortium of celebrity owners including Stacy Keibler.
Yes, two Keibler references in the past three weeks, don't worry, you'll live.
TIKI IS SENSITIVE
You media can talk about Tiki Barber; as long as it is a glowing tribute. Barber was none too pleased that Tom Jackson and Michael Irvin called Sir Barber a distraction to the team. Media whore? Sure. But don’t call him a distraction. In fact, Barber went on to call the ESPN duo a pair of idiots. And if you look closely enough, he stopped just short of calling Irvin a crack-head.
"I will call them idiots," Barber said. "That includes Tom Jackson on ESPN. That includes the ultimate character guy, facetiously speaking of course, Michael Irvin. Please get a clue on how to be a journalist. Don't make blanket assumptions about it (retirement). And obviously, as was evidenced (Monday) night, I am a huge distraction to the New York Giants."
Nice work, Sir Barber. And you know those people who say you belong in the Hall of Fame? They are idiots, too.
Warrick Dunn will surpass all of Sir Barber's numbers next season. But will Peter King and other members of the media stump for Dunn? No, but maybe they should. Dunn, like Sir Barber, is an upstanding member of the community and the ultimate scat back. If that's enough for Sir Barber, that should be enough for Dunn.
- Reader Rob in Tampa points out that Irvin has been the center of controversy for the past couple of years and that can only mean one thing—they will soon be fitting Irvin with a gold jacket to be in the Monday Night Football booth. You sort of heard it here first. It will be like the O.J. Simpson/MNF era all over again. But the Juice went from the MNF to being a criminal, while Irvin will be doing it in reverse.
- T.O. is happy to have Tony Romo as his quarterback. Yeah, of course he is. T.O. is like that high school girl that has a new boyfriend each week. She’s so in love with the new guy until, of course, something goes horribly wrong. And then that guy is a jerk. Or maybe he's gay or threw up in the Super Bowl. But will that girl ever look your way? Give you her number? No, that chick wanted the quarterback. That little… hey, um, moving on.
- Be careful at the water cooler today. The wife of the Cowboys receiving coach found a rat in her McDonald's French fries. That will lead to endless "Wow, I didn’t know that T.O. worked in fast food" jokes. Heck, expect that from ESPN’s Bill Simpson. You have permission to punch anybody who uses that joke in the throat.
- Has anybody noticed the laws of diminishing returns with Bill Parcells? Two Super Bowls with the Giants. A Super Bowl appearance with the Patriots. An AFC Championship Game with the Jets. And now a playoff birth with the Cowboys (in his first year). That makes him the perfect replacement for Dennis Green in Arizona at this rate.
- Do you think Bill Bidwell was pissed that the custodian didn’t change the locks before Green returned from Oakland? Like there was an uncomfortable silence when the two ran into each other at Cardinals headquarters? “Oh, Dennis, you um, are still here. Hey, that’s great.” Green has won 17 games since the 2000 season.
- We should finally get a good look at just how powerful the Broncos defense is this week against the Colts. And you have to figure, if the Broncos don’t play well, this could be the last game for Jake Plummer. Because if you can’t score enough to be one of the top AFC teams, what’s the point of keeping Jay Cutler on the bench?
- Chad Johnson wants to be known as “ocheta y cinco” in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. Carson Palmer already took the nickname “Chewy.”
- Ben Roethlisberger noted that the Falcons taunted him by saying that they wanted to smash his surgically repaired face. What, defensive players being jerks? But that was pretty low. You expect that kind of stuff when "The Swede gets out of the brig," but not on an NFL football field. And really, just imagine the things he is going to hear from the Black Hole when he takes the field on Sunday. Even the children will likely be running motorcycle crash jokes at Big Ben, while wearing "Stab Like a Champ" T-shirts. That was the one positive about last week's win for the Raiders. The idiots are revived and delusional like the first five games of the season didn't exist. We'll see if they are still around come Monday morning.
- Snoop Dogg was arrested for suspicion of carrying a fire arm, as America says only our NBA stars are allowed to carry guns.
- Presidents from the University of Georgia and the University of Florida have taken offense to the term, "World's Largest Cocktail Party" because it promotes alcohol. Well, they probably are not going to like the new name, "The World’s Largest Family Reunion." Cheap joke? You bet. Any chance to not use that? None. And it’s obvious that the university presidents will outlaw booze from their black-tie functions and fund raisers, right? Sure.
- If you are going to see one movie about the Grenada Conflict, make it Heartbreak Ridge. BTW, this is what happens when TWE starts being composed on Wednesday night.
- Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels of St. Louis for inching a game closer to the World Series title thanks to David Eckstein. Having Eck leave, while disheartening, was still the right baseball decision. It’s not like he was Troy Glaus. BTW, it looks like God hates Tony La Russa. His first title came during the Bay Area earthquake in 1989, and now rain threatens to postpone this celebration until November.
- Your Boise State Broncos are taking the week off in preparation to play host to Fresno State. So you're best bet is USC this week.
The final days of The Bish regime are coming to an end, and he is going out with a bang. The Bish is playing all of his hits. This gem from his Wednesday column. Here is his timely take on the NFL never coming back to LA. Well, guess what, gentlemen? We've managed to get over it.
Ah, but wait for it folks…
It has been harder for some of us than others, especially those of us who grew up in the late 1950s, when the Rams were the most enthralling franchise in town, and their owner, Dan Reeves, was a visionary who pioneered the idea of putting pro football on television.
So your opinion means nothing if you grew up following the Rams in the 1970s and 1980s. And he wondered why people wanted him fired. What a pompous (expletive). BTW, the Chargers had better pound the St. Louis football team. Those of us who still like to watch football (which the Bish admitted he does not) demand it.