Thursday, October 05, 2006

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Finale II

Wow, this is what Matt Parker and Trey Stone must have felt like after the famed “Cartman’s Dad/Terrance and Phillip April Fool’s Day” fiasco a couple of years back. It was just a joke people. But thank you for the comments, they were all, um, amusing. Very funny. But don’t fret, this thing has been prepared for a while (as far as you know).

Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl:



God bless the Oakland Raiders. The team stuck in a time warp. Watching the Raiders is like going over to your grandparent’s house to find a rotary phone on the wall and a television with no remote. If the Raiders offense was a piece of clothing, it would be a Member’s Only jacket.

Or do you have any friends that refuse to change with the times? Like their favorite band is Van Halen?

David Lee Roth’s Van Halen?

Odds are they are a Raiders fan.

The Raiders are that rotary phone. Literally. True story, the Raiders don’t have wireless headsets on the sidelines—they use a telegraph. Maybe that is why they didn't bother to challenge that Ronald Curry spot on Sunday—their TV upstairs didn’t get that channel. The Raiders do'’t change with the times. Nothing has changed since the early 1980s when Tom Flores was running the team. Except of course for that whole “Commitment to Excellence” thing. That is about as meaningful today as the name Datsun. Even Volkswagen had the common sense to redesign The Beatle.

The Raiders have tried to adjust with the times. Al Davis twice went outside the box to pick up two young hot shot coaches, Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden. Both coaches went on to win Super Bowls.

For the Broncos and Buccaneers, respectively.

Each time Davis has been jilted by a coach, he always ended up with Art Shell. An NFL coaching version of a booty call. Shell doesn't care if you use him one night, and don't call him back for a dozen or so years. He will still be waiting. It's not like anybody else wanted him during that time. But each time you are with Shell, you are dazed the morning after, wondering what the hell you were thinking.

And if Al Davis isn't wondering that right now, he never will. But what choice does Davis have anyway? Sean Payton turned him down. So did Bobby Petrino. Rumor has it that Fresno State coach Pat Hill wasn’t even interested in an interview. The coach of Fresno State did not even want to interview with the Raiders. Is that what the Raiders have been reduced to?

The Raiders are in no danger of reaching the playoffs, let alone even sniffing the Super Bowl as long as Shell is the coach. Some Raiders fans bought in to the myth that is Art Shell. They have become nothing but a bunch of enablers, allowing the Raiders to wallow in mediocrity because they continue to buy merchandise and give the Coliseum the occasional sellout. They act like the team has won a Super Bowl for the past 40 years. (Sorry, shouldn't have gone there.)

The Raiders are in no danger of winning football games as long as Art Shell is in charge. The Raiders are now synonymous with losing.

You know, that never gets old.

11 comments:

Sun Devil said...

Too little, too late.

Anonymous said...

Much better, asshole.

Diane said...

Less crap heaping on Art; more crap heaping on Al

Chad Vader said...

How is this Art Schell's fault? They were shitty the past 2 or 3yrs was that Art Schell's fault too? All of this falls on Al Davis, & the GM (not sure if Davis is owner and GM, if so then all of this falls on Al Davis), Art does not bring in players, he's got to work with what they give him. I think Art Schell violated your mom, that's where the hate stems from, mama NFLADAM had her shit pushed in by a big black dude wearing a hat 3sizes too small, he was probably croonin' just like chef the whole time too.

Anonymous said...

HEY CHAD, IT'S SPELLED "SHELL" NOT "SCHELL". GENIUS.... TYPICAL RAIDER FAN. CAN'T EVEN GET THE COACHES NAME RIGHT.

RaidersSuck said...

Are you stupid? or just stupid?

It's Art Shell.
Perhaps he told you to spell is Schell while he was teabagging you, while you were in the pink hole, er black hole.

RAIDERS SUCK!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

NFL Adam said...

Raiders fans are always classy. Those stereotypes are just wrong about them, as proven here by Chad Vader.

Rep. Mark Foley (R) said...

Shit pushing? Teabagging?

The Raiders under Art Shell sound a lot like the Congressional Page Office under Speaker Hastert!

Anonymous said...

chad (wanna be darth) vader,

are you enjoying the quality football being put forth on the field by the gayders????? no??
oh well. here's something to cheer you up-

RAIDERS SUCK DONKEY BALLS!
RAIDERS SUCK CHIEFS OFF
RAIDERS SUCK CHARGERS BLOW!

BRONCOS! YOU 2006 AFC WEST DIVISION CHAMPIONS! (AGAIN)

P.S.- WHERE'S ALL THE TALK ABOUT HOW AARON BROOKS WAS GONNA SAVE YOU TEAM?? THAT'S ALL I HEARD THIS OFF-SEASON. NOW, IT'S DISAPPEARED LIKE THE RAIDERS WIN COLUMN!

F'N LOSERS. GO DRESS UP IN YOUR SPIKED SHOULDER PADS AND PLAY MEAN WITH THE CHILDREN. THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES NOW THAT ARE AFRAID OF THE "NATION". BUNCH OF POSERS.

Anonymous said...

I hate the Raiders, but the Broncos are a bunch of thin-air sucking fags. So, they really can't say anything

Barrel Man said...

Q: Why did the Denver Broncos choose orange as their team color?

A: Their fans can wear it hunting on Saturday, to the game on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.