Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Chunky Curse Strikes Again

Add Matt Hasselbeck to the growing list of players affected by the Campbell’s Chunky Curse. The Hater Nation first discovered and has long trumpeted the Chunky Curse as the premiere sports curse, long since passing the Sports Illustrated and Madden Cover jinxes. The other may get the ink, but consider the impressive list of athletes that have been taken down by a brand of soup.

Terrell Davis: The former sixth-round draft pick went from the NFL’s most dominant back to out of the league in the blink of an eye. Made Gale Sayers and Bo Jackson seem durable.

Donovan McNabb: The Eagles quarterback went from being the golden boy of NFL quarterbacks to puking his soup at the Super Bowl. Lost to a 62-yard field goal. Yeah, of course he did.

Marcella Lowery: Had a promising career as “Miss Noble” on NBC’s The City Guys. Now she has disappeared quicker than the lady who played Miss Bliss on Saved by the Bell after appearing as McNabb’s mother in a few spots.

Michael Strahan: Garnered a bogus sack record when Brett Favre took a dive for him. It is hard to make Mark Gastineau look credible, but Strahan did it. He also was outted by his ex-wife during his divorce proceedings.

Brian Urlacher: Dated Paris Hilton, but didn’t star in any home movies. Remember that one big play Urlacher made last season to push the Bears to victory? Don’t feel bad, nobody does.

Kurt Warner: Two words—Brenda Warner.

Reggie White: The Minister of Defense morphed from perceived good guy to the black Rush Limbaugh with one trip to the Wisconsin state legislature.

Jerome Bettis: Tough call here. The dude did win a Super Bowl in his hometown recently. But remember that fumble against the Colts in the AFC Divisional Playoff Game? Tough call.

Ben Roethlisberger: Big Ben pulled a Super Dave Osborne on some lady’s windshield, had his appendix removed and miss Sunday’s game with a head injury. The ultimate curse? He has to live in Pittsburgh.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: The anonymous linemen also got some much-needed publicity this year thanks to Campbell’s. The team is now 2-4 and in danger of making the playoffs.

Matt Hasselbeck: It’s not to say that E.J. Henderson’s hit was a touch late, but even Charles Martin was offended. Well, he would have been if he wasn’t dead. (And really, it is too soon to pull another Kimo van Oelhoffen joke.)

Steve Bisheff: The Bish signed a six-figure deal with Campbell’s days prior to being released by the Register.

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13 comments:

Jake Plummer said...

Baloney. I eat Chunky Soup every day!

Diane said...

Even Reggie wouldn't stoop to accusing a victim of Parkinson's disease of faking. And don't forget Elizabeth Hasselbeck - the Brenda Warner of the 21st Century

NFL Adam said...

Yeah, but Reggie would have probably glowed about how Parkinson's victims are great for society because they can really churn butter.

(And Lizzy is the sister-in-law for Matt. She is married to his younger brother, Tim.)

Diane said...

oh damn! I've been hating Matt for no reason . . .

Diane said...

nfl adam - nice comment about Pat Tillman - I need to buy you and NFJ Jen a drink or 10 and hear some of your stories . . .

daddy said...

I thought the premier sports curse was being picked by NFL Adam.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

can i attribute shaun alexander's injury to his gapped teeth? is that cool?

Wang said...

C'mon now, Matt's mom is not THAT chunky. She's just big boned, and her weight issues are in no way a curse to the Seahawks.

NFL Adam said...

You might be right, Daddy. Although BSU has been covering!

Diane, any time you want to put out the Taco Surf/Shorehouse flag, let us know.

Rush Limbaugh said...

Get me some Viagra quick. I would love to fuck Matt Hasselback's mom in the ass. HELL YEAH!!!

Diane said...

cool - I look forward to it!

Jesterkid said...

Fuck You! Steeler hater!

Blonde said...

Donovan McNabb sucks donkey balls. Don't blame his lameness on some sorry ass soup made in a ghetto in NJ.

He is one of the most overrated players of our time.