Friday, September 22, 2006

The Weak Ender

The Ryder Cup starts this weekend and that can mean only one thing—gratuitous shots of the hot wives and girl friends in the crowd. You really have to hate professional golfers. They get all of the perks of being a professional athlete—hot chicks and money—but they really don’t have to put their body on the line. Hell, some of them don't even work out their body at all. Instead, they get guaranteed money to play the nicest courses in the world and get to marry beautiful women.

And you even get the feeling that most golfers don't care if they win or lose. They are more than happy to allow Tiger Woods to win all the tournaments, to just keep cashing those sponsor paychecks, make that tournament money and go home to your hot wife. It is actually in a golfer’s best interest to keep Tiger winning because it increases ratings and tournament payouts. So they win for losing.

And of course, there is the thing about the hot wives.

For more on this developing story, see The Wade Blogs.

  • Tiger Woods was a little upset this week following an Irish tabloid running doctored photos of his wife, Elania (pictured), claiming that she had done porn. Yes, terrible, terrible story. So, um, where exactly can you find these fake photos?

  • Is there any less surprising news than Joe Namath's daughter being a home wrecker? Well, only if it was the husband of Suzy Kolber.

  • The Carolina Panthers are traveling to Tampa Bay this weekend. Do you suppose there will be drunk guys stationed all over Tampa-area restrooms on the look out for lesbian Panthers cheerleaders? The NFL has such few traditions, this certainly should become one. The University of Georgia and the University of Florida have the largest cocktail party in the world. The Panthers and Buccaneers could have the largets, ah, nevermind.

  • Seriously, is Cris Collinsworth mailing it in this year on

  • Injury update: News out of Pittsburgh this week is that Ben Roethlisberger is going try to play this week with a temperature of 987 degrees! Oh wait, that was 98.7. The way Roethlisberger exaggerates his injuries, we are going to find out that Big Ben was riding a Honda Spree (wearing nothing but a pair of splats) when he ran into some old lady's Rascal.

  • This weeks NFL lock: Take Bye (-6) and give the points against the Raiders.

  • St. Louis defensive end Anthony Hargrove was an unexcused absence from meetings and practice on Thursday, and the team has been unable to locate him. Hope he didn’t go swimming.

  • Your moment of Bish: What was The Bish's reaction to that great Dodgers game on Tuesday morning? Well, nothing. He weighed in on Wednesday. But that didn't stop Old News Bish from ramping up the hyperbole. The Bish said that Monday's game was the greatest game in Dodgers Stadium history, even comparing it to Kirk Gibson's home run. Yeah, it was just like that, except for the fact that it was a regular-season game and the Dodgers dropped the next series to the Pirates (as predicted in this space). All Gibson did was lead the Dodgers to a World Series title.

    But you can't really be mad at the Bish. Being mad at the Bish for writing horrible columns would be akin to being upset at him for not being able to play power forward for the Lakers. He is just not good at what he does. You have to blame the sports editor at some point. But he tends to just sit in the corner with a wad of tobacco wedged in his cheek, surfing the Net to make sure nobody is "Dishing the Bish." The sports editor makes Michael Scott from The Office seem like an effective leader.

  • The Yankees Jason Giambi has a torn wrist ligament; probably resulting from stabbing Alex Rodriguez in the back. Enjoy it now, Yankees fans, because A-Rod won't be there forever. Arte Moreno is going to spend some money this offseason. Tim Salmon and Garret Anderson were mentioned by A-Rod as two guys who defended him through the booing. Do the math.

  • College locks of the week: Take UCLA, give the points; take Michigan and give the points; take Boise State and give the points. To make life easier, there is now a Bet US link on the left so you can make some money. Your pro lock is going to be Ravens (-6½).

A fan ran into Bengals receiver Chad Johnson at a book store (for a Bisheff autograph signing?) and told him and Carson Palmer to do well because both of them were on his fantasy team. Johnson pulled out his phone, dialed Palmer, handed the guy the phone and said, "Tell him yourself." The startled fan left a message, but a bemused Palmer called Johnson back, who tracked down the fan and had him repeat the message. Hey, that kind of beats Marcus Allen hitting on your friend or having Jim Kelly tell you to "shut it down," right? Wow, maybe it’s time to rethink the whole Chad Johnson thing.

Especially after Johnson said that the hit by Browns defensive back Brian Russell was a clean hit. Johnson said that the Brownsy had been out to get more for a while and, "It's about time they hit me."

Yeah, Chad Johnson is a cool guy. Too bad the rest of the team (save Palmer) is a bunch of (expletive).

Link and thanks to Benny over at The Sports Pulse.


Anonymous said...

You are so full of shit.

Magnolia Fan said...

The Sports Guy used your Raiders joke.

Anonymous said...

Do you ever tire of being a douche bag?

NFL Jennifer said...

It is funny to me that you guys are so quick to the douche bag comment. I am just saying here, but the douche bag is really the cleanest part. You might want to start calling people a douche nozel. Just saying is all.

insomniac said...

oh made the Bruins a they're screwed...Thanks a lot!...on a side note...ellipsis are fun...and i'm a little drunk.

bucky said...

take Michigan and give the points;

Looks like there's gonna be a lot of partying on State Street this weekend. Sorry I'm gonna miss it.

Why couldn't you have picked Cal or Nevada?

daddy said...

Do you ever tire of being a douche nozel?

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

going against UW. bastard.

Anonymous said...

Hey Adam Rank. "Bish" still has a job at the Register. You got fired from the Register. I think he may know more than you.

Benny said...

Adam, you owe me a house. I put it on the Ravens -6. I'll take a double wide. It blends into Jacksonville nicely.

NFL Adam said...

Benny, owe you some money. Took a beating with the Baltimore bet this weekend. Wow, just killed. Time to double up on the Pats, people!

Zach, you owe THN for taking UCLA. That was the kiss of death. That BSU game might have been the first game THN covered this week.

See, that Drunk Freddy is tweaking again, claiming stories he knows are not true. Way to rep the 951, Freddy.

Drunk Freddy said...

Dude, you was fired at teh Registhar. I know for sures.

Hell is at 625 Grand said...

NFL Adam was NOT fired from the Register.

He walked away. It's a shitty place to work, with shitty management, shitty hours for low pay and, well, it sucks.

TJ Rubley said...

I've never lived in OC or worked for the OC Register, but I have read Steve Bishef's columns. The dope is to sports writing what I am to quarterbacking. My dog can't type, but if he could he'd produce better copy.