Thursday, September 28, 2006

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Hey, it’s me, Pat the Patriot. I’ll be honest with you; most Patriots fans are like Raiders fans without the spiked shoulder pads. They won’t have much to cheer for this year. And while I have now doubt the Pats will win the AFC east, I have three reasons why they will not be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy this year. And it has nothing do with Cadillac not wanting to give Tom Brady another Escalade.

1) Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli make George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman look like the guys from Google: Did you see the sidelines during week two? A cameraman tried to get a shot of RB Corey Dillon being looked at by trainers, but some member the Foxboro Gestapo stood in front of the camera with his arms crossed like a bouncer at a strip club. (Believe me, I know.) With cryptic press conferences, fascist gag orders for players, no nonsense hard-nosed contract negotiations, Bill Belichick has created a Saddam-like cult of personality.

Losing popular stars Lawyer Milloy and Ty Law worked out well, but it will catch up with the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Trading McGinest was the good. Letting Vinateri get swooped up by the only real rival the Patriots is stupid. Matt Millen stupid. THEN Belichick and Pioli put their pride up against Deion Branch’s and now the receiving corps consists of untested rookies, a former Charger with hands almost as bad as Koren Robinson’s, Troy Brown, and a Raider, the WRONG Raider. The Patriots way of doing business seems to have finally caught up with them.

2) The curse of the star running back: I wouldn’t want to be rookie running back Laurence Maroney. Sure he is having a great year, but that just means his time with the Patriots is nearly over. There is another curse in New England sports and that is the football team never has a star running back. Don’t believe me, than what happened to this guy after he ran for 1,115 yards in 1998, or this guy after he became the only Patriot RB to string together three 1,000-yard seasons? I’ll tell you. One went on to be the Joe Theismann of beach football and the other went on to be one of the greatest RBs of all time — for the New York Jets! But back to this season’s running tandem, all those drunk frat boys from Boston with faux Irish pride will enjoy a one-two punch in the backfield until Corey Dillon goes down week six with a broken foot. Then Maroney will step up, have a great season, hold out for a new contract and get traded to the Buffalo Bills. Once there, he will go on to a Hall of Fame career and the greatest Patriot RB ever will still be Sam Cunningham.

3): Tom Brady is too preoccupied to lead the team. Brady claimed he was off his game this season because he was preoccupied with the Branch debacle. Hey Tommy, how about you are busier than Peyton Manning hawking products. Brady doesn’t do the big products that get all the exposure but he does the magazine shots for products like Movado watches, Nike and Sirius Satellite Radio. It will probably get worse after his movie star girlfriend blows up with her new television show Six Degrees airing Thursdays at 10pm ET on ABC (THN got big bucks for that plug) and Brady will have to show up at every premiere and follow her around like a kept man. Perhaps the QB with the movie star looks can take a page from endorsement whore rival Manning and learn how to sell play action and Visa cards.

Prediction: The Patriots go 10-6, win the AFC East and bow out wild card weekend against the Jags. Then finally real sports fans won’t have to listen to Patriots/Red Sox fans talk about their championship teams back home. While we are on that, if it is so great back there then why are you and your accents and crappy Red Sox hats living in California, Phoenix, Seattle or wherever. Go home!


Anonymous said...

Good. Boston fans need to STFU sometimes. Or actually most of the time.

Tommy Tuck Rule said...

Doesn't Pat Patriot kind of look like Steve Young. Guy, New England sports fans suck, guy.

Diane said...

Has Junior Seau retired again yet?

Jon said...

I've lived in Seattle my whole life, so I really have no stake in this. But, something has to be said about a city that squeezes a World Series title in between two Super Bowls. I'd call that a pretty good 13 months. Then, throw another Super Bowl a few years removed in for good measure.

I'd be a cocky fan if I had that.

Anonymous said...

they were assholes before the championships.

JackTatumIsAPussy said...

tuck call still hurts ...huh...waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

AJ said...

who ever wrote this obviously did not see the Bengals game.

you are a fucking idiot. they are a top 5 team, and we didnt trade Mcginest, he left as a free agent you misinformed malfesence.