Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Greetings, the Hater Nation. I am Conrad Bain, and I am here to tell you why the Denver Broncos will not win the Super Bowl.



Before doing so, I'd like everyone to try an exercise pertaining to Method Acting. It's called the Polar Bear Game, and it's something we thespians do to strengthen our control over our perceptions. The rules are deceptively simple: just sit down in a chair in a quiet room by yourself and try to not think of a polar bear. Think of anything you want, but no white bears.

Sounds easy, right? It's not. Most of you will be sitting in that chair for weeks, because the more you tell your mind not to imagine a polar bear, the more your mind's eye will see the f-ing bear. Should you ever succeed in getting the bear to go away, the next drill is called the Nick Nolte Game. Try to think of Nick Nolte and not picture this.



So what does this have to do with Denver's Super Bowl chances? Who knows!

A collegue recently wondered aloud why so many people dislike Jake Plummer. Good question. I mean, it's not as if he viciously attacked a female columnist or anything, right?

Uh, that was one incident. One incident, people. Besides, Jake Plummer loves Denver. He would never say anything bad about Broncos fans. He would never say something like, "they aren't that great."

What? To the same reporter? Hmmm. But still, that's nothing to be upset about. It's not like he flipped off the stands at Mile High...

You're kidding me.

Bottom line, Jake's got no one to blame but himself for his growing rep as a dirt lip. It's been a while since I last perused my copy of The Encyclopedia of Bad PR Moves, but I'm guessing "Flip Off Your Fans" is ranked right up there with "Ask The Arresting Officer If He Is A Jew," or "Dare The Insurgents To Bring It On."

We won't even get into the one titled "Go Bonkers And Attack The Car Behind You."

Bad as Plummer's extracurricular antics may seem, things haven't been much better on the gridiron. Forget the fluffy stats he's racked up against tomato cans like the Raiders and Chargers. Going into the playoffs last year, the Donks had all the stars aligned for them: a healthy roster, home field advantage, and a banged-up Patriots team set for implosion. Amidst the volley of fansturbation that followed Denver's win over New England, few noticed that their man had put up the worst numbers of any QB in the second round. That's a shame. If Bronco fans had pondered the tendency of Jake The Snake to become Jake The Shrinky Dink under the influence of heat, they would've been emotionally prepared for the dump Pittsburgh took on them.

But enough about the past. This year, with the signing of Jay Cutler and the pressure on Plummer tweaked even higher, Jake will surely come back and respond with every drop of game he has in him.

Start warming up, Jay.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sun Devil is going to get you.

Sun Devil said...

Go Broncos!!!

Denver Element Salesman said...

This is going to kill my business.

Jake's Flakes Salesman said...

Anybody want to buy some cerial?

Anonymous said...

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW OUR FANS KEEP BACKING THIS DIPSHIT. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL HE'S GONE. SHAME ON SHANNY FOR KEEPING HIM AROUND ANOTHER YEAR. THIS DUD IS A PERRENIAL LOSER. PROVED IT IN ARIZONA, KEPT IT STRONG SO FAR IN DENVER. CUTLER NEEDS TO BE IN THERE NOW. GET RID OF THE WANNA-BE MALE PORN STAR QB.