Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

After Conrad Bain weighed in the Broncos, THN turned to another guest columnist for the latest version of the SBBK, Mr. Greg Louganis.

Hello America. I'm writing from the moist, dank confines of the man's chest himself. And I'm here to inform you, with two sweaty reasons, why America's Team won't win the Super Bowl.

Number One: Bill Parcells. He just doesn't know how to call a pass play, as was demonstrated in the Cowboys' choke job against Jacksonville on Sunday. Third-and-14? No problem. We'll run the ball and settle for a field goal. But wait, we don't have a kicker, as the "Idiot" is at home on the couch. You know, a lot of people question fellow C-cup-sized slob Phil Michelson for his ability to choke away golf tournaments, but give Lefty some credit for doing a bit of gambling. The same cannot be said for Tuna Tits, who calls run up the middle after run up the middle despite having the game’s best receiver in Terry Glenn.

And another thought on Parcells: What’s with the nasty cleavage? Seriously, you’d think Jerry Jones would sick his personal plastic surgery squad on the Tuna to get that chest tightened up a bit. You know, kind of like how Jones had his face stretched a bit.

Number Two: Maybe Parcells never calls pass plays because his quarterback is so horrible. I mean, Drew Bledsoe is seriously starting to look like Brett Fahhhhhvv-RAH, with missed throw after interception after sack. The guy’s about as mobile as this guy. If Bledsoe could actually get the ball on target, he’s got the best receiving corps in the league with Glenn and Jason Witten. Oh, and then there’s that other guy, but he won’t last. And of course, Bledsoe’s got the breast coach in the league. Ok, Ok, that was stupid.

So, in essence, for the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl, Tuna needs to drop from a C-cup to an A-cup, grow a pair B-cups with the passing game, and drop his D-minus quarterback, all of which won’t happen as long this is accepted in American culture.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, and Cowboys.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice job, Greg Louganis and Conrad Bain, this is like a bad version of The Love Boat. Who is next, McLean Stephenson?