Thursday, August 31, 2006

Lil' Hater: History Awaits!

SEATTLE The Oakland Raider will seek some feeble, pathetic attempt at gridiron immortality this week when they take on the Seahawks.

According to the schedule, it is the fifth and final Raider preseason game of a preseason that, in one good-looking bobblehead's opinion, lasted about five weeks too long.

T.O. has it just about right. Preseason is for suckers. And Raiders, it appears.

Five preseason games. Christ. Even my angry German Cousin Dieter's never-ending World Cup didn't last this long. And there was more real solid hitting by Zidane's bald head than there was this preseason.

(Editor – doggone it Lil' Hater, stop the soccer references now! The Cup is Over! OVER! I said stop!)

But whatever. The Raiders can go undefeated with a fifth win here, which has to be some kind of record, right? I mean, I thought the preseason only went four games. And yet the Raiders could manage to sneak, steal or otherwise cheat their way to an extra win this August. How did this happen?

Truly, this is the Raider Way. Once upon the time, in the early 70's I think, the Raiders liked to call themselves the Team of the Century or some other similarly silly name.

Now, they're the Team of August. How the mighty have fallen.

I understand A-Rod, the Manning Brothers, and a bunch of ex-Duke hoops players will be addressing the team before the Seattle game, to motivate them to go out and over-perform at the least important time of the season.

Did Art Shell get the memo that the preseason doesn't mean squat? And now he’s gone out and showed the opposing teams the entirety of the Raider's playbook (6 pages long, written in crayon) with his win-at-all-costs-in-preseason strategy. What is he thinking?

Anyway, I guess the Raiders should savor any wins while they can. A quick glance at the schedule puts the likely date of Oakland’s fifth regular season win sometime in early December, against Houston, or maybe two weeks later against that other expansion football team, St. Louis.

Anyway, 5-0 has gotta be some kind of record. But the question remains: If Seattle wins and ends the Raider’s perfect preseason on Thursday, will the remaining living members of the '97 Packers (and Reggie White's widow) along with the '97 Steelers celebrate break open a bottle of Night Train?


TJ Rubley said...

"the preseason doesn't mean squat"

True. If your name is Jay Cutler.

If your name is Vince Young, the preseason is the defining moment of your entire athletic career.

Anonymous said...

The Wonderlic was the definging moment of Young's athletic career. And his girly throwing motion.

TJ Rubley said...

Okay. So a retard with a woman's arm took down the Trojan 's pants and shit-tanked them out of a national championship that they were supposed to have in the bag.

Sounds good to me.

Seitz said...

What does this have to do with the Angels?

NFL Adam said...

For the record, Fresno State scored more points against USC's defense than Vince Young and Texas. It wasn't like the the Trojans D was compared to the 1985 Bears.

The only difference is that Floyd Reese and Bud Adams did not fall in love with Paul Pinegar.

Mike Holmgren said...

I once signed a retard with a woman's arm. To read about it, Google the words "audible," "Metrodome," and "Rubley."

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

the raiders' playbook resembles a 6-year-old's coloring was of course esembled by the beloved norv turner.

Diane said...

Wait - are the Raiders planning on actually playing the regular season?

Andrew Walters said...

Man fuck the seahawks, ow, that shit hurt.

NFL Adam said...

No, I think the Raiders are good for the year. Four wins is about as much as you would expect.